Depression - I'd Rather Be Sleeping
"Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." ~The Princess Bride
Life is pain. Or, at least, it can be. I've found that during severe episodes every breath, is, in fact, pain. There is nothing else. Just pain or unconsciousness. I prefer unconsciousness.
Not Sleeping with Depression
We're expected to be awake most of the time. The trouble is, not sleeping with depression is horrendously painful. It is the pain that makes pain scream. And there tends to be nowhere to hide. Depression checks behind rocks, it seems.
And the thoughts or the lack of thoughts that go with that depression haunt every blink. This ridiculous struggle not to die moment after moment. Don't slit your wrists. Don't overdose. Don't jump off a building. It's all so entirely exhausting.
Sleeping When You Have Depression Is Less Painful
But being asleep is different. Somehow, in my dreams, I am never in the agony of depression. Somehow in my dreams I'm normal. I fall in love. I smile. I do the impossible. I feel happy. I have no idea how my brain manages it. But somehow it doesn't register the pain.
And flickering in and out of sleep is almost as glorious. It's just enough unconsciousness to drone out the angry, hateful voices and yet enough consciousness to enjoy it. It's your brain, on sleep.
So I'm Tired, A Lot
And so I find the lure of sleep to be that of a siren. Something that calls to me with inescapable tone. Why would I ever want to live in a world where the air is acid when I can simply lay my head on goose down feathers and close my eyes?
And while I know it's difficult to get work down or clean the kitchen while asleep, it's so much better than many of the other options. When asleep, my heart, my wrists, my bones are intact. Not getting any better. But not getting worse. And not getting dead. That's something.
Tracy, N. (2011, October 20). Depression - I'd Rather Be Sleeping, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2020, July 13 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/breakingbipolar/2011/10/depression-id-rather-be-sleeping
Author: Natasha Tracy
I've searched and searched for the reason why I don't feel depression when I dream. I want to understand what is happening chemically and physiologically in my brain as to why. Of course, I try to sleep as much ass possible. I have back issues so I have pain meds and antianxiety drugs that can knock me out. When I am awake, the whole in my chest of pain is so hard to deal with. I am even on two depression meds. This all started with PTSD. I don't know how to feel anything other than pain when I am awake. It is getting harder and harder for me to fake "okayness" enough during the day to function at my small part time job. I use to be a person whose heart was full of joy and flowers and love. It's nothing but holes. I attend therapy weekly just to make it week to week. Does anyone know the "mechanics" of feeling normal during dreams?
I'm 50ish I'm a man, and I'm anxiety ridden about my lack of tasking ability to make a living.
That is, I sleep to hide from worry of loosing my home???
I have no energy or drive to get out on jobs to fix my financial situation and tell myself I will catch up later when I feel better.
I can sleep 15 hours a day on average and have slept as many as 20 hours just to not think of problems that seem to be a great mountain for me to level all alone.
My depression brings on lac of drive to get up and be responsible, that brings on financial problems which causes anxiety as im loosing everything and I'm stuck!!!
I'm seeking help and taking meds for depression and anxiety and going to classes on depression and anxiety and hope to soon function again and be the social butterfly I used to be.
I'm told the meds don't do everything and getting out of bed is a process of forcing myself to get out of bed to get in rithum again.
I'm in fear of failure so bad I just want to hide, eat and sleep in comfort until the antidepressants start working and hope for the best in recovering.
Wish me luck as I do you all:)
Im in the same boat. In my 50s raised kids on my own with a career ans when thwy moved away i lost it all. Cant find a purpose in life or a reason to go on. I sleep constantly qnd it has messed up my mind. Ready to end it all just dont have the guts. I remember wakimg up and loving to live the day. Its gone now and the day terrifies me. Everyday. I dont lnow how to fix myself.
Hey Alexis. I am sorry about the loss you have faced in your life. Life is a painfully pleasant journey. A mind trip in my opinion. The heartache we face everyday is not easy to suffer through. You will find somebody amazing in your life girly, but the thing we must ultimate come to settle within ourselves is, everyone who lives will one day will die, and die alone. (Brand New)
I am here as a friend! I too have faced many tough trials along my journey thus far, married, divorced, wealthy to poverty, all within a decade. But I will tell you one thing. Life goes on. We will once again live for the great (moments) in this mortal life. I woke up today from some crazy wild thoughts that occured in my dreams. Thus what got me here. You seem like a sweet girl Alexis, we all desire love, I know I do. Being alone is an inevitable fear. Keep your head up my dear. Good things are only to come :) I love being asleep because it does, it blocks out the pain from reality. But I can see that is me, being fearful of this one oppurtunity at this mortal life! Fishing, basketball, outdoors, laughing at silly MOMENTS :) falling in and out of love. I promise girly, there are billions of guys out there that would be lucky just to get to know you. Do things that you enjoy, do something for you! You have a sweet heart that has been hurt, but is still beating!
Life is not measured by the breaths you take,
But by the moments that take your breath away...
Hi I hope you are well and doing OK just read your post and the way you were feeling then I hope you in a better place life is a b*tch it throws stuff at us but we are not equipped to deal with a lot of it but by God sleep is my only escape some times I don't want to get out of bed ony for the 2 kids I have left in my life I know I sound mental telling a complete stranger I prefer to sleep but everyone has their own problems so they just tell you move on. Well that's what I'm going to do thanks for listening if you're there
IM DEPRESSED. and my relief to all the pain is sleep, but at night all i do is cry and think but then when I'm asleep, i never want to wake up because ill know i don the same every night.
it all started, when i was at a young age. always witnessed my parents violently fighting. i knew they would divorce sooner or later, mum had an affair, it happened. i had to process it. they divorced. i had to accept for the rest of my life a different and new man would take over the roll of my father, because mums always win custardy of their children.
as they split and we moved houses, my mum changed. and her boyfriend was horrible. mean to me. violent. hatred.
my mother had changed into this monster. she and him both, called me names. and violently hurt me. i was told i was fat. i was going through a hard part of life, and i had to accept being bullied at school swell. my mum and her boyfriend decided to have a child. my mums boyfriends ex- wife was a physcho path.she followed us and lots of other stuff. we had to stick up with her. one day i hear my mum was in a car crash, she was pregnant at the time. my mum had to give birth to my baby sister…dead. she died. i was looking forward to seeing and watching my new little sister. but that time never came. further on in the year, my great nanna, who i was very extremely close with, died. i still miss her to this day, i dearly miss her smile. i miss her smell. i miss the advice and long talks we had, i miss her coffee and i miss how she used to give me jelly beans out her jelly bean bar. i miss how we used to knit scarves together. i miss how she loved me and i loved her. i miss how she was all i had at the time. i saw her dead body in the cophen which was a mistake, i wish i said my goodbyes to the nanna i remembered her as. not as the dead version. it toar my heart out into a million pieces. and shaded it and stabbed me in the heart and left me to bleed. further on, in life, i got verbally and violently child abused by both my mum and my stepdad. later on down the track, i fell in love with this guy. he was something different, i know i was only 11 years old, but i knew it was more than just a helpless crush. he was all i thought and cared about, he was all that made me smile. i spoke to him every single night. but then something changed. he started to ignore me all the time because i became obsess with him. he blocked mde on social media for roughly 5 months. throughout the middle stage of those 5 months my stepdad developed cancer. it effected my whole entire family, all the hospital visits, questioning his life time, witnessing him in a comah, him pale,him sick, him struggling, him ill. him connected to all these tubes, my little sister will grow up without a father, i could not let my siblings go through more pain, as i thought about how much we have all already been through, although i lost all love and respect for my mother as everyday i took punches, words and hits from her, enough was enough, i was damaged. clearly. i started to take cuts to my skin, school didn’t make anything any better. still being in love with the one guy that wanted nothing to do with me. few moments onwards, he unblocks me on social media, after like 5 months, and suddenly takes interest in talking to me. and because i am 1 year below him, i was in primary (year 7) and he was in high school (year 8) so i didn’t know anything about his school life. but me being crazy in love with him, obviously seazed at the chance i had to be with him. but not knowing about his school life what i didn’t know was that he had a girlfriend, but she didn’t know me and i didn’t know her, so hew as smart and came to realise he could use and play us both without us finding out he is 2 timing us. eventually i found out, but he broke it off with her and stayed with me which made me feel special. my stepdad still having cancer and me still getting abused at home, everything was pretty rough, me and him last a few months together, then everything fucked up. after a few months, there came the day everyone was dreading. my stepdad died. cancer took him. and we all suffered the pain of death. but i suffered a different kind to everyone else, despite the grief i also had hatred aching inside me, the fact he just got the easy way out, he abused me all those years, and just got the easy way out, and his last few words he said to me as he took his last few breaths he held my hand and apologised for all the horrible things he ever did to me and said to me, and said he will always love me and look down on me, it toad me apart, why couldn’t he be this nice earlier, why did it take cancer to show is true colours. its all my fault everyday that he ever abused me i wished him dead. my wish came true. it haunts me for the rest of my life.well the day my dad died, i go to my boyfriends house ( the guy i have lasted with for a few months) and that same day he asked out a different girl that morning, and that night he invites me over, and wanted sex from me, buti wouldn’t go that far, so he dumps me, and he had already got a new girlfriend that morning so thats the second girl he has cheated on with me. i felt so depressed and fucked up that night, the day my stepdad died and he dumped me. how worthless, and depressed do you think someone who experienced that would be? i didn’t want to live. i wanted to be taken above where pain does not exist. from then on, i was seriously drowned in depression, and i had an eating disorder where when i looked in the mirror all i saw was discust, and i tried to starve myself, but then got over that sooner or later.
2 months on from this it was the new year and start of high school, i see the guy. at school. everyday. still with his girlfriend (the one he dumped me for) and i am still deeply in love with him, even after everything he had put me through, then a few months later, he shows interest in me again, but we start off as just friends, but whenever me and him try to just be friends it can’t work, its either more than friends or enemies. and even know he had his girlfriend, me not in control of my feelings, let him cheat on his girlfriend with me. we hooked up and he fingered me. not to mention this guy is the same guy as the guy i have always been in love with this whole time, then he lies about it, ever since he fingered me. so i gathered he used me. and he lied about it and ignored me ever since. when everything me and him ever did always meant something to me. then we didn’t talk for a couple of months. then he dumped his girlfriend and got a new girlfriend, then me and him started talking again (this was only a couple of months ago from now) we started off as just friends but that only lasted all of a few days, we just can’t control ourselves when in contact with each other there is just something there. and me once again, letting him use me, i let him cheat on this 3rd girlfriend, with me, but this time it wasn’t just a hookup or me getting fingered, this was only a few days ago from now, even know he has a girlfriend, me and him had sex. he cheated on a 3rd different girl. an i let him all once again. and this time i am more hurt and broken and depressed than ever before because we went all the way. i thought he was the one. i gave him my everything. and now he is ignoring my messages and ever since he has ignored me. feel worthless and used. and i feel sick. and i have lost my appetite. i stay up all hours of the night and early morning in hope for him to message me, but that message never comes. he is the only person on earth that i love and need to make me complete and happy. my wrists and arms are full of scars, and i would just like to update the present moments of my life to these days, my mum has already had a new boyfriend for like 6 months now. and she has already moved on and it has only been like 9 months since my stepdad died. and i hate how she already has a new boyfriend. :’( and not to mention, my step-grandpa which is basically my grandpa, has cheated and left my grandma, and now i never see him ever and he has unfriended me on Facebook and doest even make effort to keep in contact with me and i don’t see my cousins or family form that side of the family anymore, and not to mention the fact that my real grandpa died when i was like 1 yrs old. and i have never been able to see him, and people still question it to this day if he was murdered or not. this is my life, i am alexis. i suffer form depression, and i have only recently come to realise that I’m an emo, but trapped in a body covered in fake smiles, makeup, slutty clothes and scars of hurt and broken pieces of my heart. i struggle to find someone who understands me and how i feel. i feel like cutting cos its addicting now, its like my drug and the scars show who i am. and my heart has been put through so much, its numb and in need of that one guy to cure me. i live off tears, and heart ache. i need the cure, and i knw what my cure is more than anyone else does, and I’m telling you now, its just for that guy to feel the same way about me, because i need love. and no matter how many times people say it or how many people say it, ‘’people care’’ ‘’your not alone’’. well i actually am. because who is here when I’m crying? no one. who is here when I’m cutting? no one. ho is here when I’m getting beaten? no one. who is here when i scream? no one. who is here when I’m silent? no one. who is here when no one is here? no one. i just need his love, because atlwast that can repair the damage he has made. everything else and all my past trauma is un fixable only he can help me make a start to pick myself up.
I know this is an old Post but I felt compelled to reply... Life is hard and dealing with the death of loved ones and heartache makes things seem so much harder. I've dealt with my own similar problems and the one thing I can tell you from experience is that you cannot rely on anyone else to make you happy. No man will fix you. Before you can truly love anyone else, you have to love yourself first. If you expect other people to make you happy, you will always be disappointed.
Do you have any hobbies or passions? It's important to have an outlet for all the emotions you feel. Music and art are very important to me for that reason.
Exercise is the single most important thing that can help you feel self love. Cardio is theraputic. Feeling strong physically, will give you strength mentally. I know it's easier said than done but I promise, you will feel better after a run or my favorite, spin class. I literally cry during some runs and spin class because of the strong emotional release. It's the best feeling in the world!
Just know that things will get better. Let go of the past. Today is a fresh start. Focus on you. Love yourself. Do the things that make you smile. You are strong! Be strong! Not for anyone else but for you!
I too work retail, and I too sleep pretty much allllll day on my days off. While awake I am a pretty happy person. I'm not currently taking any meds for depression or anxiety, but I do drink a shit ton of caffeine. I don't think it's depression, and even if I am depressed I handle it quite well through positive thinking and meditation.... I think it's because I am lonely, living paycheck to paycheck, very few friends, no girlfriend, and a family far away that I just prefer to not communicate with on a regular basis. I prefer who I am while I am asleep because in sleep I am not struggling to just make ends meet, i'm not constantly trying to find more money just to have and do what I want to do when and how I want to do it. Sleep for me is great because it is free, and I can't really afford things that aren't free these days, almost all of my income goes towards rent food and gas... nearly 90%. The remaining 10% may buy me a night on the town, or a dime bag... I know I am not alone in this... Thank you all for sharing your posts/comments... is there anyone who has experienced an actual solution to this whole notion of "sleeping to avoid life" yet?
Andy, I wish. I am like the others who enjoy my dreams more than my actual life. As I type this I’m realizing just how bad that sounds. I have my dogs and my bed to make me happy and not much else. Clearly I need to work on that. But for now... I’m just going to take a nap.
I've been in this sleeping pattern for as long as I can remember. It doesn't help that I have shift work disorder and ADHD. So I go to work and I sleep. I hate my job but on my days off I sleep instead of being productive. My house is beyond messy but I don't have the motivation or energy to clean and when I do its usually because I've hyped myself on so much caffeine. I drink energy drinks to stay awake at work and I work retail so I don't get off until 11 pm. Does anyone here work nights?
I can really relate to this article. My husband complains that I sleep all the time and he doesn't understand that sleep provides an escape from my draining thoughts and emotions. I feel guilty for sleeping as much as I do. I should be spending time with the kids, doing house work ect... I am trying to manage it better by exercising and I do notice a difference with the way I feel and my thoughts are better too. It's hard to make that effort when what you would rather do is curl up and sleep and not worry about anything, but I think that I have some pretty great kids and they deserve a mom who is active, alert and awake to be with them.
Nancy, that's the best thing about sleep, but like I do with it or other things like drugs, it's only a temporary fix like I'm sure you have heard or have recognized. Being able to sleep through the day is amazing and it gets you through just that, the day... but how you react to everything else gives the people around you the reason they are able to keep doing what they do. My girlfriend does the same thing and I am doing it more myself and it is the hardest thing to get over, but why keep living that life when you have the ability to do anything you want. Being able to take the leap you are so afraid of doing is what makes life so worth living and why you should be awake to do so. Take the chance, love the pain, give strength to the fear inside and hopefully you'll find what it is you are missing/looking for... I'm trying that myself
wow....you worded it perfectly. being unconscious is the next best thing to death when depression overwhelms every moment of every hour of each day. I cringe when I wake from my drug induced nightly reprieve. I wish I could be anesthetized. When I had ECT done the anesthesia made me too out of it to care about feeling sad...maybe it kept me from feeling sad/feeling anything. I felt horrible as soon as I went home and wasn't getting anesthesia every other day anymore.
So very well expressed. I also use reading or watching show/movies as an alternative to sleep in avoiding reality. Truly a struggle, a battle if you will. Thank you for sharing this!
Hi, I used to sleed a lot throughout the day.... This is because I hate my reality life.i have no friends.if I do they only backstabbing me.i always failed in my exams.my lecturers scold me.my family are tearing apart.im afraid to talk with new person.im alone.when I am asleep I found happiness through dreams but when I am awake I am sad and I hate my reality life.do this will affect my life.?
sleep well my friends
I am alone in this world. True I have family but I have no friends to go out with or talk to. I find myself sleeping a lot and hardly eating ever since I got laid off my job. I am happy in my dreams but when reality kicks in life is bland. I'm a nice hard working simple guy who would like a friend but I've come to the conclusion that life stinks and I'm going to be alone. No, I will not kill myself cause of my belief but I think sleeping all the time may slowly be killing my body.
Lopez, The ability to find a friend is so hard to do as an adult, and as sleeping seems the only way to distract yourself from what is going on, I do it myself, but it just wastes your life and the things you may be able to bring to someone else's life. The ability to find a reason for why you're here or to keep going is the most painful thing one can imagine when it comes to yourselfs worth vs. been able to find the happiness in helping others or seeing them happy. But it's there in one way or another my friend and I hope you find it. I've been bartending for years now and I am still looking for my happiness even though I have found my reason to live and keep going through all the evil I see every day and I believe eventually it will come if I'm just patient enough. It's hard to see all that you may have done for someone you have just had a 30 second or 30 min interaction with. But you have done something for someone you will never know... it's the belief you can do something that keeps most people going and hopeful... I hope you find yours
From the moment I wake up in the morning I can't wait until I go back to sleep again at night, but I dread having to live the time in between.
Sleeping is my escape. The escape from the lonliness, the pain, the emptiness, the people who refuse to understand, the thoughts constantly swimming in my head. It's just me, my pillows, blankets, and my bear. And yes, i've had days where i wished i wouldn't wake up. And lately i've been having very weird dreams...i don't remember them usually..but they kind of hang there when i wake up...making me feel off-kilter. Or it makes me feel "disjointed". Maybe it's my meds or my messed up life. I just know they don't make any sense and don't seem to correlate to anything in my life.
I'm ALWAYS tired. I could sleep 12 hours a day and still be tired. I have drugged myself through weekends so i would sleep through the boredom and being awake with the constant thoughts or worries in my brain. Before i went back to work i would sleep through the day. My husband would wake me up only to eat, then i'd go right back to sleep. If it weren't for sleep i think i'd lose what's left of my mind or kill myself.
yes..i am the same...I only sleep now when I drink alcohol...I am suffering mental abuse too from my ex. The local mental health team have cut bck on thei support workrs..I ws healing but now she has gone I don't want to wake up..if not for my two doggies I wouldn't. x
Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to mention that I have truly enjoyed browsing your blog posts. After all I will be subscribing in your feed and I am hoping you write once more soon!
Absolutely spot on.
I've suffered with clinical depression for years and I'm tired all the time. Sleep is my friend. Unfortunately, sleep's not much use when it comes to functioning in the world, acid though it may be.
Now my doctor's (who have been wonderful) have diagnosed bipolar disorder.
If only I had the brilliantly creative and feverish bursts of energy associated with the manic phase!
Getting out of bed about takes all my energy. You have my sympathy and my thanks for sharing.
My very best wishes, Gareth
Great article and so many other wonderful links within this one. Thank you for sharing your personal story and how you feel, I think it will help many and I like that you also touch on the thoughts that accompany depression and the struggle to stay alive and keep on going.
I'll share this on Twitter and Facebook!
I have the opposite when it comes to sleep. The more depressed I am, the more likely I am to have nightmares. Not scary, but obviously not real nightmares. I have dreams that the ones I love don't love me anymore, or that someone is bullying me and no one stops them, or that I'm trapped someone alone. I'm so tired, but I fight sleep because I know I'll only wake in a few hours crying and having a panic attack. It's not fair.
On Oct 15, 2011 my nephew took his life. I have been very torn up, confused, with him and his parents wanting to blame someone and why would a 18 year that appeared to be ok on the outside do this- I didnt even know he was add,bi-polar until after his death. After lots of investigating on my own through his "facebook" I'm pretty sure I know why and I cant really blame him or his parents (they had problems werent getting along he out and I felt my sister was too hard on him) I found several "lyrics" 8 total that he had wrote at different times since oct of last year. He spoke of Heartache,darkness,sleep, his mind not shutting down,hollow,misery and his last entry on sept 28th called forgotten battle -all these "as others that read them thought they were just song lyrics were actually the story of his life for the last year and pretained to thoughts of death, and his planning his death all the way up to his death here last weekend just put a front that no one seen so just to comment to these people that are dealing with it and getting treatment and please find someone to talk to dont be alone- Austin was and now he's gone and doesnt know exaclty how many people this has hurt and effected (lots) his facebook and family and friends has gone crazy with sympathy and shock of his death, There is hope and help but its up to you to ask for it and for the families to see the signs- none of us did until too late now on Sun Oct 23, 2011 we have to bury him and then I'm suppose to enjoy my 19 year olds birthday
At least when I'm asleep, the thoughts stop. This is why I usually load up on meds and force sleep when I'm depressed. Definitely not the healthiest thing to do, but it keeps me from dying. Though I sometimes wish I'd never wake up. Maybe end up in a fantasy dreamland, like limbo in Inception. :P
I just want to sleep all the time, too. I have all these "ghost" pains. And Natasha, when I dream I'm not depressed either. Unless I have a nightmare, sleeping is such a releif!
Yes, unfortunately, it's like any "quick fix" it doesn't actually solve a problem. But sometimes the break from thinking about the problem is worth it anyway.
I completely agree and this couldn't come at a better time. My husband has colon cancer just diagnosed one week ago. All I want to do is sleep to make the problems go away. The problems and depression are still there in the morning, that's the problem. I went to bed last night at 7 pm and still feel exhausted but at least for all those hours (because I woke up at 6 am) I didn't have to think, didn't have to worry, no depression. I just wish all problems would go away when I'm awake.