How to Keep Going When Mental Illness Treatment Doesn't Work

I'm 60 years old, have heart issues and poor vision due to cataracts that i have not been able to get treated. I had to give up my last job and now I am destitute.
I can't get any help at all. I'm going to be homeless, will lose all my things and most painful of all, give up my pet who I've had for 10 years.
I've no hope left. I have PTSD, depression and anxiety, and I am blacklisted. No one will help me and I am being destroyed.
I'm not going to make it.

I've been suffering from severe mental illness for the majority of my life and would describe it as absolute horror at this point. It's really upsetting that after having tried every treatment short of ect and well over a dozen pills along with a dozen or so different combos of all those pills without any improvement, I'm still expected to act like my other option is the irrational one and will be locked up in a psych ward if the wrong person thinks I intend to get out of this mess my way. I'm all for others making their own decisions and continuing treatment but why must I be tortured endlessly when it is my life and my welfare at stake and no one else's?

I've been dealing with treatment resistant depression, ComplexPTSD and anxiety for over 30 years. I have little faith in mental health treatments. They work for many, but I'm not one. It has gotten to the point I fear hope because every treatment has failed or stops quickly. I don't leave my house, am a shell of a once happy human. Mental healthcare is a shot in the dark for some of us. I need structure, I need purpose, I need a reason. No medication or talk therapy has helped.
I want to run away, I have no friends, they don't understand mental illness, same with family. I've tried every possible treatment known and yet I am worse. Now in my mid 50's, unable to work and a failing memory from treatments.
I need a team of help and like minded folks to help me remember and to push and pull. I'm all alone even though married. My spouse doesn't understand nor does she want to.
She just wants me fixed. I have money, I have insurance, but still everything is fraught with how to make it more difficult to get care. I end up spending so much money out of pocket it is insane. I'm starting to think Shrinks are just poking in the dark and collecting a check. Heck many don't even take insurance, cash only.
The system is broken and so am I. All the treatments, torture, pain, suffering trying everything under the sun.
So what now? Seems us treatment resistant folks are just lost and on our own. Their has to be a better way.
This can't be just a life of suffering, with long term effects from all the meds.
I'm sick of waiting, hopingm trying, pushing. I want my life & I'm already mid 50's my physical health is affected now as well. Talking won't help, so now what.
Honestly Fed Up.

At some point, the “professionals” need to finally face the hard truth that 2+2 will never add up to 5, the square peg will never fit into the round hole, etc. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Well, that’s what constantly piling failed treatments on top failed treatments is—insanity. None of us like seeing our loved ones anguishing with mental illnesses, but at what point do we finally put our own feelings aside and think about the individual doing the suffering? Many of you can retreat away from those individuals’ troubles when it becomes too much, but those poor souls struggling get no such luxury. Lucky for you, not so much to them. Does it ever dawn on you that maybe, just maybe, their lives are not yours to “save”? As kids, many of us are told that our lives are ours to make of whatever we dream, but that only seems to be the case when we want to be cowboys or astronauts. No, when someone is suffering from a debilitating mental illness that they can’t find any relief from after dozens of even hundreds of treatments don’t work, we opt instead to take that choice away and force them to do what *we* want with their life. Why? I mean, if your 5 year old daughter came to you and said she wanted to be a ballerina when she grew up, would you tell her, “No, you’re going to work a dead end customer service job where people will verbally abuse you all day, and learn to like it”? Of course not! At what point do we finally acknowledge that this person just might *never* get better? At what point do we acknowledge that maybe, just maybe, letting someone go, as undesirable to us as it may be, is just as compassionate as trying to help them? Maybe it *is* helping them? Yeah, some people say the mentally ill aren’t “in their right mind,” but who are we to say what the “right mind” actually is? What real evidence do you have to say you’re thinking clearly? Maybe a mentally ill person realizes something about life we just can’t comprehend? Maybe the modern societal norm that we should enjoy being alive is completely wrong and we’re the ones that are batcrap insane? No one that doesn’t suffer from one of these debilitating illnesses can truly know what it feels like, so who are we to tell those that do what they should think and do? Maybe instead of forcing upon them the treatment we think they need, we let them have the relief that they want even if it’s to die?
Sorry for the long post, but I feel this is a POV that should be considered even if it’s unpleasant for us.

Thank you for sharing this. I have been in the "nothing works" journey for 26 years. I was able ttyl maintain some semblance of hope until about 2 months ago at which time even my hope failed. Since then I have felt something weird, a type of apathy that scares me. I've always have chronic suicidal ideation, but it's become such a casual thought process now. Without hope I feel more apt to self destruct than ever before. Your message made me feel less lonely. It was a breathe of fresh air and for that, I thank you.

I'm also mental Resistant tried many meds feel good for a couple weeks then I'm flat on my back, nothing is helping, I'm Lonley for one house bound and couch bound for 3 yrs now, everyday I ask why, why can't I clean my house, cook food, leave the house? Been seeing a therapist or psychiatrist caseworkers your name for years nothings helped! I think if I had a friend slash care taker come with positive attitude may help I don't know but your employment definitely controls my depression, what do I do next ???

I am a 63 yr old female, and can only remember one at in my life I wasn't depressed - the day my daughter was born. Other than that, my life has been continual, severe, unrelenting depression, despite a gazillion different medicinal treatments, therapies, hospitalizations, and even ECT. I have come to the conclusion that, for many of us "treatment-resistant" folks, it is preferable to accept that this is the way it is, instead of tossing our life savings down a black hole.

While the article was published 5 years ago I have to say that at that time the author based on how I am able to feel and function, is doing great. She was able to actually write down an article about this subject and her relations to it. Then she was able to put it online. And get some intelligent responses plus mine. From where I am. That is the picture of good mental health. But I imagine that there is a person who is unable to write a comment although they would like to. All the best

I am at the end of my rope. The last medication gave me horrible side effects - a first for me, and something I don't need to happen again. I'm on a new med now and we resume the ECTs after I'm back from holidays with my SO.I haven't been this depressed in a very long time, and am seriously thinking about readmitting myself instead of going away, but that would let my partner down one more time. A lifetime of depression with the occasional bout of hypomania (not often enough to my liking, although the crash is not really worth it) is enough. I've had enough. Sometimes I think a rest home is the only way to go. Trying to live a life this way is brutal. Painful. And even more depressing when a new med poops out. We're probably going to move to bilateral ECTs now, given the limited effectiveness of the unilateral ones. There goes my memory and who knows what else. I know my psychiatrist would fix me if she could - she's been an unending source of support and compassion, for which I am truly grateful. But how much more can one person take? I know there's no magic fix, and I have tried so much over the years. But it's all disintegrating again and I can't keep pretending that things are all right. I'm tired, I cry all the time, and we're cranking the dosage of the newest med up as fast as is reasonable. I've come to consider my depression as me, not just an ailment because it IS who I am. It's unrelenting, it's interminable. I'm utterly fed up. I appreciate reading all these comments because it's awfully nice to see little rays of hope shining in the murk. Don't let me bring you down. It's probably just me. It's always just me. I'm so done. I can't find it in me to be hopeful any longer. Sorry for the downer post, but thanks for letting me share.

I've never read such utter crap in my life as I have on this page.
Hilarious was the part about the friend that can tell them self to go outside LMAO.
That's not mental illness thats plain old boredom.
Try not to post things as such and act like you know anything about what its like to suffer and not be able to EVER feel good for over 30 years.

P.S. There is nothing painful about the treatment.There MAY be some short term memory loss but my memory was hampered by sever depression prior to E.c.T. there is no damage to neuro transmitter's. They grow back. They are reenergized after week's and month's of depression and lack of activity and stimulation. A doctor wrote his story about his receiving E.C.T. The Electric Man. haven't read it yet .too busy. :) That is a great thing! Peace and commitment to a life worth living.. Bless you,friends.

I had experienced severe depression from the time i was assaulted, my dear friend died,my mother died and my husband nd I moved away from my close relatives. I went from depression,to isolating to wanting to hide till I felt better.Quit my job,impulsively instead of taking a medical leave. Began month's of medication that did not work returning to a medication that once worked and then did not..I felt I was in a cave... I believed that I would never get better... I took sleeping pill's hoping to sleep till I was better. I could not reason and felt other's would be better off without me if I could not function again or joke and tease. After three hospitalization's, I went into a great residential treatment center and therapeutic farm and horticulture setting.I had to get out of bed... I did receive E.C.T. and at that point of my existence, I did not care about what the future held for me if i had E.C.T. I wanted a life worth living again. Thankfully,it worked!! I had no strength to object or even question. I gave my trust over to the E.C.T. Team at an excellent University Hospital and I have no doubt it saved my will to live. It was frightening,however the support and educating i received from the team was so comforting .

ive tried every therapy and medication too im seeing my gp tomorrow but its getting e down too.
a new medication is lined up but it didnt work last time and i am snookered and confused as to how i will get better. i have anxiety and ocd but head tension mainly

~N, I totally relate to your friend who forces himself to go outside. With me however, I take my trusty weed puller. It is a task that I can completely focus on and I can turn around and see some immediate results. Of course here in the Great Pacific Northwest, we have no shortage of weeds! But, if I am in a particularly difficult state of mind over a long period of time, I've told all of my neighbors not to be surprised at seeing me on my hands and knees in their front yards cutting a swath of dandelion destruction. They don't seem to mind.

My oversimplified understanding is that many time diagnosis is determined by what you actually respond to--so if you're bipolar you should respond to mood stabilizers but stay away from anti-depressants. So if someone is not responding to meds sometimes it is easier to change diagnosis than to wait for the next drug that is being put on the market. Especially if you are woman or person of color for which the classic symptoms might present differently.

I've been dealing (unsuccessfully) with depression and bipolar for many years. After surviving suicide attempts and finally getting a job with insurance and seeing a psychiatrist on a regular basis, just when I saw a light at the end of the tunnel, my psychiatrist hit me with the "you'll never be whole" thing. Gee. Thanks. Just what a depressed person needed to hear. Then my Aspergers son tried to kill his little brother--twice. Anyway, there is help out there, and I am proof of it. Yes, my current doctor just spent an hour trying to reason with me that I am psychotic, but not enough to commit me (already been down that road), and my eldest son hasn't killed anybody yet. Yes, there are many downs like having to quit my job, and devoting many hours to counseling, and everybody involved is taking medications, but it's worth it. I refuse to accept that I have a masters degree and can't find a workplace to "fit it". I remain optomistic that with continuted treatment, I won't off myself, my eldest won't kill off the family, and eventually we will all attain some type of success in our personal lives.

I've tried and had several medication failures. Some ended in hallucinations, while others triggered a severe mania. The worst failures I've found are the ones where instead of side effects, it just stops working. As depressing as those failures can be, I've always tried to remain realistic. Every time I've tried a new drug, I learn more about myself; what I'm willing to tolerate, what sort of symptoms I tend to get, any life style changes that have improved my stability regardless of the drug. I see each medication as a chance to learn a little more about myself, and that stays with me even after a failure.

Hi Natasha,
Thank you for telling your story. It certainly can be a long path towards getting the right medication and sometimes it can be a very lonely journey.
My lifesaver was lamictal. I hope you find yours soon.
MB xx

BipolarBlogg and Natalie,
Thanks for the positive feedback. Glad I could help with perspective; it's a challenge for anyone.
- Natasha

Hi Alistair,
Great comment.
"It is frustrating at times but patients need to know that if care providers had a magic solution they would not hide it."
Yeah. I've felt like they were "hiding it" before. Not because I really thought they were but because I couldn't get better and I was desperate and I knew that other people got better. It _seems_ like they're hiding it, but of course, they're doing the best they can. (Which I tell people all the time and yet people find it hard to believe.)
- Natasha

So often we approach treatment with unrealistic expectations, especially when we are new to the game. Frequently we are coming from very painful and scary places - we look to treatment for salvation. We forget that treatment is more art than science, and that a cure is not a binary thing, like throwing a switch. The patients that do best are the ones that think of treatment as a process which requires a lot of trial of error, fine-tuning, and even experimenting. It is frustrating at times but patients need to know that if care providers had a magic solution they would not hide it. -- Those who crave certainty should remember that, while no treatment is infallible, what IS certain is that if they continue to do nothing, they will certainly continue to suffer.

Hi, Natasha:
Great post. I just want to say that I have been following you for a while on HealthyPlace.com and on your website. I appreciate your honesty on the topic and am glad to be part of the blogging team. Thank you for, as they say, keeping it real.
Natalie
@ http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/recoveringfrommentalillness/

Hi Natasha,
I started on a new treatment programme for my bipolar this spring with high hopes and a really positive recommendation from my psychiatrist. It didn't work. I got to a stage where I was feeling upset with myself for not responding as expected to the meds, which I know is crazy, but that's how it was. I'm changing meds now and have been on the new one a couple of weeks. I know I am going to be really disappointed if this one doesn't work either, but reading your post has helped me get a bit of a sense of perspective back, thanks!

Hi Robin,
This is really, really common. When treatment doesn't work it feels like your fault - but it isn't your fault. Mental illness can be very difficult to treat and you just haven't found what you need yet.
It's natural to blame yourself, but please know, that's just the disease talking. It's not you.
I recommend discussing this in therapy because a therapist is always there to back you up and fight the nasty things your disease tells you.
- Natasha

I have been struggling with the idea of being treatment resistant for a while now. I go back and forth between thinking i have an illness and its stubborn OR maybe, I don't and this is how I am- healthy but feeling shitty and this is how everyone feels and i just am weak?
I wonder about this- a lot. I wonder if its my job, not an illness, if its my relationship and not an illness, I even wonder if maybe i am just dehydrated!!!
Today, Im in treatment, but still feeling shitty and depressed and anxious. I wrestle everyday with it and someways- i feel like its not worth the effort.

I'm also treatment resistant and it's been over 3 years since I felt good. But I won't give up. I really like what you said gives me hope.
Michele

Darren,
I generally consider it an accurate assessment of the glass, but that's me.
- Natasha

Now that's looking at the glass half-full, isn't it?