Help and advice for high school students with ADHD wanting to enter college.

Developing Self Knowledge

Successful college students with ADHD or learning disabilities, college advisors, as well as campus Disability Support Services staff agree that developing knowledge about one's self - the nature of one's ADHD or learning disabilities as well as one's personal and academic strengths and weaknesses is vital in getting ready for college.

Students need to become familiar with how they learn best. Many successful students with ADHD or learning disabilities acquire compensatory learning strategies to help them use the knowledge they have accumulated, to plan, complete and evaluate projects, and to take an active role in shaping their environments. They need to learn how to apply strategies flexibly, and how to modify or create strategies fluently to fit new learning situations. For example, compensatory strategies may include:

• allowing more time to complete tests, papers, and other projects
• listening to audio tapes of text books while reading
• making up words to remind students to use the knowledge they have

For example:

• F.O.I.L. (First Outer Inner Last) to remember the sequence of steps in solving algebra problems when in school
• P.A.L. (Practice Alert Listening) when talking with friends and family, at work, and in school
• U.S.E. (Use Strategies Every day)

All students learn from experience. Those with ADHD or learning disabilities need to exercise their judgment, make mistakes, self- identify them, and correct them. Learning new information in a new setting, such as a college classroom or dormitory, can be frustrating. Setbacks are an inevitable part of the learning process, but can impair self-esteem, which is essential to taking responsibility for one's life. Self-esteem is built and rebuilt one day at a time. Students need explicit strategies to monitor and restore their self-esteem.

Some students have difficulty understanding or making themselves understood by their peers, families, and instructors. For example, some ADHD symptoms or learning disabilities may affect timing in conversations, or decisions about when to study and when to socialise. Students need to really think about how motivated they are. They should ask themselves these questions:

• Do I really want to go to college and work harder than I ever did before?
• Am I really ready to manage my social life?

In order to gain self knowledge check out the following ideas:

Become familiar with one's own difficulties. Since the professional documentation of the ADHD problems or learning disability is the vehicle for understanding one's strengths and weaknesses it is essential that each student has a full and frank discussion about that documentation with his or her parents as well as the psychologist or other expert who assessed the student. Students may want to ask questions such as:

• What is the extent of the disability?
• What are my strengths? How do I learn best?
• Are there strategies that I can use to learn despite these disabilities?

Learn to be "self-advocates" while still in high school! Self-advocates are people who can speak up in logical, clear and positive language to communicate about their needs. Self-advocates take responsibility for themselves. To be a self-advocate, each student must learn to understand his or her particular type of learning disability, and the resultant academic strengths and weaknesses. They must be aware of their own learning styles. Most importantly, high school students with ADHD or learning disabilities need to become comfortable with describing to others both their difficulties and their academic-related needs. At the college level, the student alone will hold the responsibility for self-identification and advocacy.

Practice self-advocacy while still in high school. Many students with ADHD or learning disabilities develop self-advocacy skills through participating in the discussions to determine the Individualised Education Program (IEP) and/or the Individualised Transition Plan (ITP). Armed with knowledge about learning strengths and weaknesses, the student can be a valued member of the planning team.

Develop strengths and learn about areas of interest. Students with ADHD or learning disabilities, as do others, often participate in sports, music, or social activities after school. Others try working in a variety of jobs or community volunteer projects. Activities in which a student can excel can help to build the self-esteem necessary to succeed in other areas.

ADHD and Understanding Legal Rights and Responsibilities

Recent legislation protects the rights of people with disabilities. In order to be effective self advocates, students need to be informed about this legislation. It is especially important to know about the Disability and SEN Act. High school students with ADHD or learning disabilities must understand their rights under Disability and SEN Act The school is responsible for identifying students with disabilities, for providing all necessary assessments, and for monitoring the provision of special education services. These special education services, which are described in detail in a student's Individualised Education Program (IEP) and Individualised Transition Plan (ITP), could significantly alter the requirements of the "standard" high school academic program.

The Disability and SEN also applys to higher education. Colleges and universities do not offer "special" education. Colleges and universities are prohibited from discriminating against a person because of disability. Institutions must provide reasonable modifications, accommodations, or auxiliary aids which will enable qualified students to have access to, participate in, and benefit from the full range of the educational programs and activities which are offered to all students on campus. Examples which may assist students with learning disabilities include, but are not limited to, the use of readers, note takers, extra time to complete exams, and/or alternate test formats.

Decisions regarding the exact accommodations to be provided are made on an individualised basis, and the college or university has the flexibility to select the specific aid or service it provides, as long as it is effective. Colleges and universities are not required by law to provide aides, services, or devices for personal use or study.

---

---

---

Understanding the Changes in Level of Responsibility

Students with learning disabilities need to know that the level of responsibility regarding the provision of services changes after high school. As mentioned above, throughout the primary and secondary years, it is the responsibility of the school system to identify students with disabilities and to initiate the delivery of special education services. However, while Disability and SEN Act requires postsecondary institutions to provide accommodative services to students with disabilities, once the student has been admitted to a college or university it is the student's responsibility to self-identify and provide documentation of the disability. The college or university will not provide any accommodation until a student takes the following two steps.

Step 1. The enrolled student who needs accommodative services must "self-identify." That means he or she must go to the Office of Disability Support Services, or the office (or person) on campus responsible for providing services to students with disabilities, and request services.

Step 2. He or she must provide documentation of his or her disability. For the student with a learning disability, such documentation is often a copy of his or her testing report and/or a copy of the IEP or ITP.

Understanding Your Rights to Privacy

Students and their families are often concerned about who will be able to see their educational records. They want to be sure that written records will be confidential and available only to those with a legitimate interest in them. To protect the privacy of student records, the Education Act and also the Data Protection Act is there to enforce privacy. These give students the right to have access to their educational records, consent to release a record to a third party, challenge information in those records, and be notified of their privacy rights. This affects all colleges and universities which receive state funds. These rights belong to the student regardless of age (and to the parents of a dependent student). A "student" is a person who attends college or university and/or for whom the institution maintains educational records (former students and alumni, for example) but not applicants to the institution or those denied admission. The college must inform students of their rights, procedures to allow a student access to his or her record, and procedures to consent to release a record to a third party. Publishing this information in a catalogue or bulletin satisfies this requirement.

Any information regarding disability gained from medical examinations or appropriate post-admissions inquiry shall be considered confidential and shall be shared with others within the institution on a need to know basis only. In other words, other individuals shall have access to disability related information only in so far as it impacts on their functioning or involvement with that individual.

For example, tutors do not have a right or a need to access diagnostic or other information regarding a student's disability. They only need to know what accommodations are necessary/ appropriate to meet the student's disability-related needs, and then only with permission of the student.

Disability related information should be kept in separate files with access limited to appropriate personnel. Documentation of disability should be held by a single source within the institution in order to protect the confidentiality of persons with disabilities by assuring such limited access.

Transition Planning for College

Leaving high school is an eventuality that all students face. Under the the SEN & Disability Act preparing for this transition has been formalised by requiring that the IEP for each student receiving special education services include a statement of the transition services needed. In many locations the IEP becomes an Individualised Transition Plan, or ITP. It documents the student's disabilities, describes specific courses for the student to take, accommodative services for the school to provide, notes post-high school plans, and identifies linkages with relevant community agencies. Students with ADHD or learning disabilities planning to go to college are encouraged to take an active part in the transition planning process. Of particular importance in transition planning are the following:

• College Options
• Documentation of a Learning Disability
• Course Selection and Accommodative Services

College Options

Students with ADHD or learning disabilities who are planning to go to college should make themselves aware of the general categories of post-secondary educational institutions. Knowing the type of college one will attend affects the student's course selections while still in high school. In addition to varying in size, scope or program offered, setting (urban, suburban, or rural), residential or commuter, and cost of attendance, there are several factors of special importance for students with ADHD or learning disabilities.

Two-year college courses are most frequently public community collages. Most are open admissions institutions and are non-residential. Community colleges attract students who choose to take either a few selected courses in their interest area, vocational courses to train for specific jobs, as well as those who pursue higher education courses such as A levels - BTEC and others.

---

---

---

Course Selection and Accommodative Services

Students with ADHD or learning disabilities should consider various college options as well as their academic strengths and weaknesses in planning their high school program. Students seeking admission to collage MUST meet the criteria set by the college.

Successful college students with ADHD or learning disabilities report that high school courses teaching keyboard skills and word processing are especially important. A high school record of achievement folder displaying successful completion of a wide array of courses (science, math, history, literature, foreign language, art, music) is attractive to the college admissions staff. Involvement in school or community sponsored clubs, teams, or performances also enhance a college admission candidate's application.

Accommodative services are essential to the success of most students with ADHD or learning disabilities. Prior to the ITP meeting, at which the services will be listed, students should try out various accommodations which have proven successful to others. These may include:

• listening to a tape recording of written material while reading it
• using extended time to complete exams (usually time and a half)
• using a computer to write exams or papers
• taking the exam in a quiet place without distraction from other students or intrusive noises.

In addition, students with ADHD or learning disabilities may benefit from mini-courses in study skills, assertiveness training, and time management. The importance of listing the accommodative services for each student in the ITP cannot be emphasised strongly enough.

College Application Process

For students with ADHD or learning disabilities to assume responsibility for college application processes, they need to have an accurate idea of what they have to offer colleges. They also need to have an accurate idea of the academic requirements and admission procedures of the colleges or universities in which they are interested. Successful college students with ADHD or learning disabilities advise that the actual college application process should begin as early as possible - in the final year of high school. That is the time to review the documentation of the learning disabilities and work on understanding strengths, weaknesses, learning styles, and accommodative services. In addition, the following activities are part of the process and will be discussed in this section.

1. Creating a Short List
2. Admissions Tests and Accommodations
3. Application and Disclosure of ADHD
4. Making a College Choice

a. After the first version of the short list is created, bring disability-related concerns back into the picture. Now work to refine the short list by becoming familiar with the services that are provided to students with ADHD or learning disabilities at each of the colleges including the behaviour policy on the list. Most colleges today have a Disability Support Services Office (which may also be called Special Student Services, or Disability Resource Centre, or a similar name) or a person designated by the college president to coordinate services for students with disabilities. Some schools have comprehensive learning disabilities programs.

b. Personally visit, preferably while classes are in session, so that you can get an impression of campus daily life, or talk by telephone with the staff of the Disability Support Services Office or the learning disabilities program. Campus staff may be able to give only general answers to questions of students who have not yet been admitted and for whom they have not reviewed any documentation. Nevertheless, a student can get a good idea about the nature of the college by asking questions such as:

1. Does this college require standardised college admissions test scores? If so, what is the range of scores for those admitted?
2. For how many students with ADHD or learning disabilities does the campus currently provide services?
3. What types of academic accommodations are typically provided to students with ADHD or learning disabilities on your campus?
4. Will this college provide the specific accommodations that I need?
5. What records or documentation of a learning disability are necessary to arrange academic accommodations for admitted students?
6. How is the confidentiality of applicants' records, as well as those of enrolled students, protected? Where does the college publish Data Protection Act guidelines which I can review?
7. How is information related to the documentation of a learning disability used? By whom?
8. Does the college have someone available who is trained and understands the needs of young people with ADHD or learning disabilities?
9. What academic and personal characteristics have been found important for students with ADHD or learning disabilities to succeed at this college?
10. How many students with ADHD or learning disabilities have graduated in the past five years?
11. What is the tuition? Are there additional fees for learning disabilities related services? When do these need to be applied for?

In addition to talking with college staff, try to arrange a meeting with several college students with ADHD or learning disabilities and talk with them about the services they receive and their experiences on campus. Such a meeting can be requested at the time of scheduling the interview with the college staff.

While you will certainly be interested in the answers to the questions, the impressions that you get during the conversations will be equally important and may serve as a way to make final refinements to the short list.

---

---

---

Application and Disclosure of ADHD

Once students have decided on the final version of their short-list, it is time to begin the formal application process. To apply to any college, candidates must complete a form -- usually one designed by the particular college -- formally requesting admission. Such forms cover basic information about the prospective student. The form may not, however, require the student to disclose whether or not he or she has a disability. In addition, the student must usually supply the college with an official transcript of high school exam grades.

At this time the student will need to decide whether or not to "disclose" the fact that he or she has ADHD (a disability). However, should a student decide to disclose his or her disability, this information in and of itself can not be used as a basis for denying admission. Colleges can not discriminate solely on the basis of disability. On the other hand, colleges are also under no obligation to alter their admissions requirements or standards. This means that having ADHD or a learning disability, or any disability, does not entitle a student to admission at any college. Students with disabilities, like all other prospective applicants, must meet the admissions criteria established by the college.

Disclosure of a learning disability does not guarantee admission. It can, however, offer the student the opportunity to provide the admissions committee with additional insights. For example, in a covering letter, the student may explain his or her learning disability, and how the disability accounts for any discrepancies in his or her academic record. Students might convey an understanding of their ADHD and the problems this can cause or learning disability, and how academic strengths and weaknesses mesh with interests in specific courses and fields of study. Students may also go on to state plans for managing their ADHD symptoms or learning disability at the college level, and describe how they would work with the Office of Disability Support Services, noting their understanding of the student's responsibilities in making his or her college career successful.

Once students have decided on the final version of their short-list, it is time to begin the formal application process. To apply to any college, candidates must complete a form -- usually one designed by the particular college -- formally requesting admission. Such forms cover basic information about the prospective student. The form may not, however, require the student to disclose whether or not he or she has a disability. In addition, the student must usually supply the college with an official transcript of high school exam grades.

At this time the student will need to decide whether or not to "disclose" the fact that he or she has a disability. However, should a student decide to disclose his or her disability, this information in and of itself can not be used as a basis for denying admission. Colleges can not discriminate solely on the basis of disability. On the other hand, colleges are also under no obligation to alter their admissions requirements or standards. This means that having ADHD or a learning disability, or any disability, does not entitle a student to admission at any college. Students with disabilities, like all other prospective applicants, must meet the admissions criteria established by the college.

Disclosure of a learning disability does not guarantee admission. It can, however, offer the student the opportunity to provide the admissions committee with additional insights. For example, in a covering letter, the student may explain his or her learning disability, and how the disability accounts for any discrepancies in his or her academic record. Students might convey an understanding of their ADHD and the problems this can cause or learning disability, and how academic strengths and weaknesses mesh with interests in specific courses and fields of study. Students may also go on to state plans for managing their ADHD symptoms or learning disability at the college level, and describe how they would work with the Office of Disability Support Services, noting their understanding of the student's responsibilities in making his or her college career successful.

Making a College Choice

After understanding his or her particular academic strengths and weaknesses, narrowing down the short list, visiting campuses, taking standardised college admissions tests if necessary, and completing the applications, students will be faced with making a choice among those colleges which have offered admission. Students who have worked hard at getting ready for college will be able to identify the school which seems "right."

In the Meantime

In addition to becoming familiar with all of the tips and procedures discussed in this paper, there are a number of additional ways that high school students with ADHD or learning disabilities can prepare for college. In order to make themselves more attractive candidates, students should consider the following:

• Take courses in high school that will help prepare for college. If appropriate, take foreign language credits and computer training while still in high school.
• Consider aprentiships, or part-time jobs, or volunteer community service that will develop necessary skills.
• Consider enrolling in a summer precollege program specifically designed for students with learning disabilities in either the summer before or after the high school senior year. Such short-term experiences (most programs are designed to last anywhere from one week to one month) have been shown to be incredibly helpful in giving students a feel for what college or university life will be like.
• Become familiar with, and practice using, the various compensatory strategies identified earlier in this paper. For example, students may want to practice talking to their high school teachers and administrators about their academic strengths and weaknesses and the ways in which they compensate for their ADHD symptoms or learning disabilities.

---

---

---

A Message to Students with ADHD

Awareness of your strengths, your advocacy skills, and persistence are among the most important tools you can use to build your future through education. You can maximise the range of colleges that may admit you by playing an active role in high school, getting appropriate support, continually assessing your growth, and carefully planning. Students may be admitted only to colleges to which they actually apply.

A Message to Parents of Students with ADHD

One final thing is that parents play a very important part in the whole process of choosing a collage or collage course for their young person with ADHD or Learning Difficulties. You can help by talking openly and frankly about their strengths and weaknesses and how they can use their strengths to help them choose the right course.

Parents can asls help by checking through the collage prospectus and helping the young person to choose the right course for them. Along with looking and advising on the admissions criteria and by helping to check out the collages policies for special needs - data protection - behaviour and other things which may be of need for the particular young person.

Perents can also help and advise with the application forms to help ensure that the full information requested is actually written on the forms. They can also attend the visits to the collage to ensure that all of the correct questions and information is given.

---

 

---

 

Depression and Spiritual Growth

F. GRACE

The idea of Grace in the sense of a free, unexpected, undeserved, gift from God to Man is a very old tradition in Christianity. But as just defined, it could be almost anything: a pretty flower, a mild sunny day. Yet clearly it means something much more deep than that. The problem with defining Grace is that definitions are fundamentally verbal and intellectual, whereas Grace itself is spiritual; there is a severe mismatch between these two spheres of our existence. In harmony with Quaker tradition, I think it is more fruitful to try to describe Grace experientially than to try to define it. The following poem is the result of my attempts at such a description.

Grace

Grace is:

• when you can look through, and beyond, even the deepest darkness into Light ...
• when you discover the heavy burden you have carried these many miles is actually your gift ...
• when you willingly endure the burning in order to give Light ...
• when you understand, finally, that you can defy death, by dying to be reborn and live ...
• Through Grace not only can we go on despite our disabilities, but also be nourished by them.
• John Newton's wonderful hymn Amazing Grace has a couple of remarkable lines:
• Twas Grace that taught my heart to fear And Grace my fear relieved.

I used to puzzle over the meaning of those two lines; I don't any more. During the deepest, darkest days of my 1986, it was Grace that revealed to me my worst fears; my most feared flaws; the utter unimportance of my existence as a single denizen of a tiny planet bound to an utterly unremarkable star in a galaxy of 100 billion other stars, itself unremarkable in a sea of 100 billion other galaxies; how much there is to learn, know, and do compared to how much I could ever hope to do. It was Grace that forced me to break out of my stifling self-centeredness and face my separateness in this vast system. Thus it taught my heart to fear. And it was also Grace that led me to realize that none of those fears mattered once I made the leap of faith to go on living despite my "insignificance" and "worthlessness''.

Grace is the topic of the last chapter in Scott Peck's amazing book The Road Less Traveled. Peck describes how he has treated patients who present with signs/symptoms of minor maladjustment, easily dealt with; but who, when they tell their life stories, easily should be, in his psychiatric judgment, seriously neurotic. Likewise those who show neuroses, but who, on the basis of their life history, should be floridly psychotic. And finally, those who come in with psychoses, who, by his best reasonable judgment, should be dead! He asks the question (paraphrased here) "Why should this be so; how does this happen?" His analysis leads to the conclusion that there can operate in our lives, a very powerful healing force, which he identifies as Grace.

Peck's book is a gift to all who read it. In fact, it seems to me that the wisdom and insight it can impart is nothing short of a miracle. I urge all readers of this essay to read his book. From his discussion, and what I have said above, one sees that it is when Grace touches us we can be healed; permanently. It it then that we can give to one another, comfort one another, be with one another, bear together the ups and downs of our lives, and life's limit by our mortality. It's a gift. It is when Grace is present that Light appears everywhere, and we learn how to pour Light from our lives into the lives of others. For me the experience is impossible to describe. I can only say that the world looks different: where I saw only problems before, I now also see solutions; where I felt weakest and most insecure, I have learned to rely on the strength and security of the rest of you. Guilt, grief, anger, and disappointment have been burned away. The void has been filled with Light.

I am an astrophysicist. I treasure knowledge of the laws of physics and the compelling picture they help us construct of the nature of the Universe. Yet I have often told my students that in the human arena, the most powerful force in the Universe is not among the four known forces of physics: gravity, the electromagnetic interaction, the nuclear "weak" and strong interactions. Rather it is Grace. Once touched by Grace, ones life changes forever. With apologies to Eugene O'Neil, it now seems like most of my life has been "a long night's journey into day".

next: Purpose and Meaning
~ back to Manic Depression Primer homepage
~ bipolar disorder library
~ all bipolar disorder articles

Knowledge of these grief issues helps both the bereaved and those who want to help them.

Writing to an advice columnist, a woman expresses these concerns about family members who are in grief: "My brother and his wife lost a teenage son in an auto accident six months ago. Of course, this is a terrible loss, but I worry they're not working hard enough to get on with their lives. This was God's will. There's nothing they can do about it. The family has been patient and supportive, but now we're beginning to wonder how long this will last and whether we may not have done the right thing with them."

That woman's concern is shaped by a faulty understanding about bereavement. She, like many others, does not have accurate information about the grieving process. The woman incorrectly assumes that grief lasts a short duration and ends within a specific time frame. Whenever there is a death-spouse, parent, child, sibling, grandparent-grievers struggle with a variety of confusing and conflicting emotions. Too often their struggle is complicated by well-meaning individuals who say and do the wrong things because they are uninformed about the bereavement process.

Here are nine of the most common myths and realities about grief. Knowledge of these issues is extremely helpful for both the bereaved and those who want to help them. The bereaved gain assurance that their responses to a death are quite normal and natural. Simultaneously, family, friends, religious leaders and other caregivers have the correct information about grief thus enabling them to respond more patiently, compassionately and wisely.

Myth #1:

"It's been a year since your spouse died. Don't you think you should be dating by now?"

Reality:

It is impossible to simply "replace" a loved one. Susan Arlen, M.D., a New Jersey physician offers this insight: "Human beings are not goldfish. We do not flush them down the toilet and go out and look for replacements. Each relationship is unique, and it takes a very long time to build a relationship of love. It also takes a very long time to say good-bye, and until good-bye really has been said, it is impossible to move on to a new relationship that will be complete and satisfying."

Myth #2:

"You look so well!"

Reality:

The bereaved do look like the nonbereaved on the outside. However, at the interior, they experience a wide range of chaotic emotions: shock, numbness, anger, disbelief, betrayal, rage, regret, remorse, guilt. These feelings are intense and confusing.

One example comes from British author C. S. Lewis who wrote these words shortly after his wife died: "In grief, nothing stays put. One keeps emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I m on a spiral? But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?"

Thus, when people comment in astonishment "You look so well," grievers feel misunderstood and further isolated. There are two much more helpful responses to the bereaved. First, simply and quietly acknowledge their pain and suffering through statements such as: "This must be very difficult for you." "I am so sorry!" "How can I help?" " What can I do? "

Myth #3:

"The best we can do (for the griever) is to avoid discussing the loss."

Reality:

The bereaved need and want to talk about their loss, including the most minute details connected to it. Grief shared is grief diminished. Each time a griever talks about the loss, a layer of pain is shed.

When Lois Duncan's 18 year-old daughter, Kaitlyn, died as a result of what police called a random shooting, she and her husband were devastated by the death. Yet, the people most helpful to the Duncans were those who allowed them to talk about Kaitlyn.

"The people we found most comforting made no attempt to distract us from our grief," she recalls. "Instead, they encouraged Don and me to describe each excruciating detail of our nightmare experience over and over. That repetition diffused the intensity of our agony and made it possible for us to start the healing."

---

Myth #4:

"It's been six (or nine or 12) months now. Don't you think you should be over it?"

Reality:

There is no quick fix for the pain of bereavement. Of course, grievers wish they could be over it in six months. Grief is a deep wound which takes a long time to heal. That time frame differs from person to person according to each person's unique circumstances.

Glen Davidson, Ph.D., professor of psychiatry and thanatology at Southern Illinois University School of Medicine tracked 1,200 mourners. His research show an average recovery time from 18 to 24 months.

Myth #5:

"You need be more active and get out more!"

Reality:

Encouraging the bereaved to maintain their social, civic and religious ties is healthy. Grievers should not withdraw completely and isolate themselves from others. However, it is not helpful to pressure the bereaved into excessive activity. Erroneously, some caregivers try to help the grieving "escape" from their grief through trips or excessive activity. This was the pressure felt by Phyllis seven months after her husband died.

"Several of my sympathetic friends who happen to have not yet experienced grief first hand have suggested that I interrupt my period of mourning by getting out more," she recalls. They say, solemnly, 'What you must do is get out among people, go on a cruise, take a bus trip. Then you won t feel so lonely.'

"I have a stock answer for their stock advice: I am not lonely for the presence of people, I am lonely for the presence of my husband. But how can I expect these innocents to understand that I feel as though my body has been torn asunder and that my soul has been mutilated? How could they understand that for the time being, life is simply a matter of survival?"

Myth #6:

"Funerals are too expensive and the services are too depressing!"

Reality:

Funeral costs vary and can be managed by the family according to their preferences. More importantly, the funeral visitation, service and ritual create a powerful therapeutic experience for the bereaved.

In her book, What to do When a Loved One Dies, (Dickens Press, 1994) author Eva Shaw writes: "A service, funeral, or memorial provides mourners with a place to express the feelings and emotions of grief. The service is a time to express those feelings, talk about the loved one, and begin the acceptance of death. The funeral brings together a community of mourners who can support each other through this difficult time. Many grief experts and those who counsel the grieving believe that a funeral or service is a necessary part of the healing process and those who have not had this opportunity may not face the death."

Myth #7:

"It was the will of God."

Reality:

The Bible makes this important distinction: life provides minimal support but God provides maximum love and comfort. Calling a tragic loss the will of God can have a devastating impact on the faith of others.

Consider Dorothy's experience: "I was 9 years old when my mother died and I was very, very sad. I did not join in the saying of prayers at my parochial school. Noticing that I was not participating in the exercise, the teacher called me aside and asked what was wrong. I told her my mother died and I missed her, to which she replied: 'It was the will of God. God needs your mother in heaven.' But I felt I needed my mother far more than God needed her. I was angry at God for years because I felt he took her from me."

When statements of faith are to be made they should focus upon God's love and support through grief. Rather than telling people "It was the will of God," a better response is to gently suggest: "God is with you in your pain." "God will help you day by day." "God will guide you through this difficult time."

Rather than talking about God "taking" a loved one it is more theologically accurate to place the focus upon God "receiving and welcoming" a loved one.

---

Myth #8:

"You're young, you can get married again." Or "Your loved one is no longer in pain now. Be thankful for that."

Reality:

The myth is in believing such statements help the bereaved. The truth is that clich©s are seldom useful for the grieving and usually create more frustration for them. Avoid making any statements which minimize the loss such as: "He's in a better place now." "You can have other children." "You'll find someone else to share your life with." It is more therapeutic to simply listen compassionately, say little, and do whatever you can to help ease burdens.

Myth #9:

"She cries a lot. I'm concerned she is going to have a nervous breakdown."

Reality:

Tears are nature's safety valves. Crying washes away toxins from the body which are produced during trauma. That may be the reason so many people feel better after a good cry.

"Crying discharges tension, the accumulation of feeling associated with whatever problem is causing the crying," said Frederic Flach, M.D., associate clinical professor of psychiatry at Cornell University Medical College in New York City.

"Stress causes imbalance and crying restores balance. It relieves the central nervous system of tension. If we don't cry, that tension doesn t go away."

Caregivers should get comfortable at seeing tears from the bereaved and be supportive of crying.

Victor Parachin is a grief educator and minister in Claremont, CA.

next: Medical Illness and Depression
~ depression library articles
~ all articles on depression

Interview with Dr. Eve Bruce on Alternative Medical Practices

Tammie: Dr. Bruce, first I want to thank you for taking time out of your very busy schedule to share some of your thoughts and experiences with us. Although you've been living and practicing medicine in the U.S. for several years, I understand that you were born and raised in Kenya. I'm wondering how your experiences in Kenya have influenced who you are today?

Dr. Bruce: In Kenya, we were surrounded by the splendor and the wonder of the world around us: the wildlife, the landscape, the trees, and the people. There was also a constant reminder of the stark destruction that exists, carnivores, birds of prey, tribal wars, and death and disease were part of every day life. The duality of nature was even more important. While I was growing up there was the sense that we are nature, we are part of the great cycle of life, the food source, not separate from nature and its laws.

Tammie: You've shared that as a physician and surgeon you've witnessed significant changes in the medical profession first-hand. I'm wondering what changes you've found to be the most significant?

Dr. Bruce: There have and continue to be incredible advances both in our basic scientific knowledge of the workings of the human body, and the highly technological methods of diagnosis and treatment. Despite all of these advances, the medical profession has gone through great turmoil in the business of medicine; managed care, third-party payers, increasing costs, and decreasing earnings. Also, in the general atmosphere in this country; increasing litigation, a decreasing sense of personal responsibility, a sense that medical care is a right, not a privilege or a service for which one is grateful. There's also less time to spend with patients, an increasing distance from patients, and increasing communication problems. This can sometimes create an adversarial atmosphere between patients and their doctors. I have great compassion for those in the field of medicine.

---

continue story below

---

There is also a growing public interest in "alternative" medicine, creating competition for patients as well as engendering a rift between these complimentary fields. Many doctors don't have a sufficient understanding of many forms of alternative medicine and are often truly concerned for their patients safety, fearing the possibility that their patients are being "duped." A number of these difficulties are signs of the times, but many stem from the time of Descartes. Descartes introduced the theory that there is a separation between our physical bodies and out mental, emotional and spiritual bodies. It was at this point that the field of medicine took a turn to the purely physical, the mechanical anatomic and the biochemical.

The change that I consider most important is the growing realization that Descartes separation is an illusion, that there is no separation between our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual bodies. That all are equally important in life and in health, that all need to be addressed and nurtured.

Tammie: What led you to Shamanism?

Dr. Bruce: In 1996, I went on a trip with Dream Change Coalition to Ecuador. Just before leaving I became ill, and in Ecuador this progressed to the point that I couldn't walk. I was taken to a Shaman, Alberto Tatzo, who healed me with stones, feathers, and smile in a traditional Shamanic healing that took only about 20 minutes. Nothing was ingested, nothing was manipulated either physically or biochemically. Nothing I had learned in all my years of training prepared me for this, or could allow me to explain this. It was at that time that I was forced to view the world, life, our bodies, health and healing in a whole new light. I was introduced that day to a whole new world, one which was here all the time, but which I could not and did not see, because I had no context in which to put it.

Tammie: How has Shamanism impacted you personally and professionally?

Dr. Bruce: Since that healing, I have spent years training under Shamans in the Andes and Amazon. I have changed in many ways, shapeshifted. I now lead trips for Dream Change Coalition to take people to witness and experience Shamanic healings in the Amazon and Andes, to see how the indigenous people live, to experience their "dream", to access deep connection to Pachamama (Quechua for mother earth/universe/time.) I teach workshops on shapshifting worldwide. I perform traditional shamanic healings, and I facilitate the understanding that when we ask for any change, even plastic surgery, we are at a wonderful opportune time, a magical moment with portents of transformation, of shapeshifting, and that we ourselves are the only ones who hold the key to the gateway.

Tammie: You co-founded the "Healing Circle" in Baltimore, can you tell us a little about the "Healing Circle?"

Dr. Bruce: The Healing Circle was short lived. It doesn't exist. I do have a practice in Baltimore with an educational center where people can get such diverse services as facials, chemical peels, ayurvedic massage, threading, reflexology, nutritional counseling, and workshops on shapeshifting, on creative visualization, and on body image.

Tammie: You conduct workshops which address such techniques as dream change, psychonavigation, Shamanic journeys, and utilizing sacred objects. Would you share just a bit about these techniques and more about your upcoming workshops?

Dr. Bruce: My workshops are about shapeshifting. Shifting one's shape. Examples of shapeshifting at a cellular level include when a shaman turns into a jaguar or a bat, when we gain or lose weight, when we age, look younger, grow a tumor, or shrink a tumor.

When we lose an addiction or quiet a neurosis we're shapeshifting on a personal level. Shapeshifting on an institutional level refers to changes such as those in the medical field, changing business practices toward sustainability, or the fall of communism.

We are all energy, and we are all one. This is the basic concept behind shapeshifting. It's all about shifting energy, being rather than becoming. In my workshops we work on the barriers to shapeshifting such as denial and fear. Through psychonavigation and dream work we find the answers we need to shapeshift, and build a support system to help with long term shapeshifting.

Through Shamanic journeys we speak to our inner self, to our guides, and begin a lifelong relationship with them to access at any time and anywhere for help. By using these guides and "Huacas" or sacred objects, we can journey to other realities in order to bring back energy, power and information to be used to create the change in this reality. Thus participants are introduced to powerful and effective ways of creating change, or shapeshifting, throughout their life.

Participants have used these methods to cure diseases such as fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, back pain, depression, addictions, or to create physical changes such as weight loss, a more youthful appearance, to access charisma, and inner beauty, or to change our communal dreams such as saving the rainforest. The intent of the shapeshift is up to the individual, the techniques are the same.

I work for Dream Change Coalitior, a nonprofit organization started by the great shamans of the andes and amazon and John Perkins in the early 1990's. We are a nonhierarchical organization with three basic tenets: to change our communal dream to one that is more earth honoring, to preserve forests, and to utilize indigenous wisdom to foster environmental and social balance. I developed and maintain its website, www.dreamchange.org.

Tammie: Thanks Eve, thank you so much for taking the time to answer my questions.

Dr. Bruce: Tam, you're so very welcome.

next:On the Titanic, Mark McGwire, and Love

I've been a recovering co-dependent for a little over three years. I was married 12 years, separated, got back together 22 months, and am now separated again since September, 1995. My divorce is in the final stages.

Knowing who is responsible has been one of my issues. I must discover and admit, as the steps point out, where I need to improve and work on myself in areas of conflict; however, it would be unhealthy for me to accept total responsibility for all the problems in the relationship. At the same time, I must avoid finger pointing and blaming. Somewhere in the reality-middle is my self-growth, my recovery, my assuming responsibility for the areas where I can grow and change. I want to be sure I never use my recovery as the ultimate form of denial and say things like: "Well, my ex is not in recovery and it's up to her to deal with her stuff, blah, blah, blah."

It is true the other party must deal with their stuff. But as the person in recovery, I have a responsibility to live the steps (as Step Twelve suggests), and find the path of serenity for myself and in so doing, lovingly point others to the path of serenity as well.

What if a relationship is so bad that I can't stay and professional help is not an option? (For example, my ex-wife refused to consider counseling.) Then it's my responsibility to take care of myself without using recovery as an excuse to abandon the other party or inflict more pain than necessary in the process of leaving.

For me, the insanity begins when justifying and defending my perspective of reality becomes more important than discovering God's will and waiting patiently in the calm center.

---

continue story below

---

next: The Twelve Steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous

Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 28

1. The Digital Narcissist (SEX)
2. Eye Contact
3. Narcissism Forming
4. The Human Maelstroms
5. More about the False Self and the True Self
6. Detoxifying
7. NPD, AsPD

1. The Digital Narcissist (SEX)

After years of being convinced that I invented a digital (finger) version of Kama Sutra, I was told lately that I actually HURT the women thus penetrated.

It shocked me somewhat.

Also, rhythm-wise I am absolutely out of synch with my partner.

I can't dance and I can't mate. I have no sense of harmony or beat.

And - though trying to be as altruistic in sex as I can - I usually end up a total egotist.

This is why, INVARIABLY, all my women refused to have sex with me after a year or two and deteriorated to furtive lovemaking with strangers.

Do you know that not a single woman ever wanted to have a child with me?

I find this STUNNING. In prison, women begged MURDERERS to impregnate them.

I NEVER met ANYONE, including real psychos and the retarded, who was actively avoided by women where procreation is concerned.

It is so outlandish - as though they felt an alien presence, had a frisson of natural abhorrence.

We are sad people.

2. Eye Contact

Avoiding eye contact and evading conversation is the narcissist's haughty way of saying: "I am above these people who are so undeserving of my company".

The narcissist - by avoiding other people who might contradict and shatter his or her grandiose fantasies - is actually employing a DEFENSE mechanism.

A narcissistic injury is a horrible and interminable pain and provokes in the narcissist rage, indignation, hate, envy, and other disagreeable emotions. Slowly, the narcissist learns to isolate herself from potential sources of narcissistic injury (basically, all humans and human situations).

Many narcissists become schizoids (see FAQ 67).

3. Narcissism Forming

Pathological narcissism develops during the formative years of the narcissist (1-6).

A narcissistic reactive formation, or narcissistic regression is possible following later-life trauma - but that would be a short term affair and would not alter the underlying personality.

I, therefore, tend to doubt the linkage between late life trauma and personality change.

There is a lot of material about the formation of narcissistic pathology in my FAQs.

Additionally, only a qualified mental health professional can render a diagnosis of NPD.

Even then I would recommend at least one more (second) opinion.

NPD is a new mental health category, there is no experience in treating it, almost no research.

4. The Human Maelstroms

Narcissists are human maelstroms.

They suck others around them into their turbulent lives with irresistible ferocity.

---

---

---

They invent a narrative - or use one - and force others to play their parts within it ("emergence").

To remain healthy in their presence, one must have a strong inner core, a set of immutable principles, and to apply them unflinchingly.

You cannot live by your daughter's or your son's reactions or potential reactions.

Humans are take it or leave it propositions (with minor modifications around the edges).

Let them make the decision to take you or leave you.

In truth there is nothing much you can do about being who you are.

The worst you can do is collaborate and become a statist in someone else's scenario.

5. More about the False Self and the True Self

("Ego" and "Self" are used here interchangeably - I do not apply Jung's or Kohut's distinctions)

The False Self is a device invented by the narcissist in order to support his grandiose, compensatory delusions, to shield him from hurt, and (more importantly) to attract other people and lure them into fulfilling ego functions for him.

This attraction is the result of the mental make-up of those attracted to the narcissist - and of his ability to excite, thrill, project certainty, etc.

So, the narcissist's False Ego is far more rewarding than his dilapidated, dysfunctional and immature True Ego.

The non-narcissistic person has no False Self.

His ego (the True one) is integrated into his personality and is functional, realistic, and mature.

The "normal" person does not need others to help him to be himself, to properly gauge his talents and limitations, to support grandiose fantasies, etc.

So, he has only True Ego and no False Ego to prefer to it.

6. Detoxifying

Detoxifying is never joyous.

There is always pain associated with flexing one's atrophied muscles of self protection.

Training for the marathon of life is often bone breaking and we never even get to race.

Meaninglessness, circularity, entrapment hurt.

The agony of saying goodbye is often nothing compared to the anguish of saying hello.

Unfortunately, we learn by error conceived in constant trial.

Call that taxi. Sometimes, the shortest phone calls take us the longest way.

It takes a total stranger to soothe and drive you in the right direction.

And even then one has to pay the fare.

This is a consolation. The togetherness of solitude, the communion of the solitary, the solitaire of life.

7. NPD, AsPD

I have written extensively about NPD versus AsPD but, in a nutshell, the important differences, in my view, are:

• Inability or unwillingness to control impulses (AsPD)
• Enhanced lack of empathy on the part of the AsPD
• Inability to form relationships with other humans, not even the narcissistically twisted ones
• Total disregard for society, its conventions, social cues, and social treaties

As opposed to what Scott Peck says, narcissists are not evil - they lack the intention to cause harm.

They are simply indifferent, callous and careless in their conduct and in their treatment of their fellow humans.

We often crave abuse because we mistakenly identify abuse with purification and growth (abuse retards personal growth).

It is an erroneous assumption that you matter to him.

You don't. You are a representation, a silhouette, a shadow, a statistic.

---

---

---

To him, appearances notwithstanding, you are utterly interchangeable, dispensable and replaceable.

I know that you find this difficult to believe - isn't the very essence of pride the belief that we are INdispensable, IRreplaceable, unique?

Yet, to the narcissist we are mere instruments for his gratification.

He derives pleasure from humiliating others, basks in their pain (which he interprets as proof of his omnipotence), derives narcissistic supply from their attention and adulation.

Your departure will only vindicate him and validate his basic distrust of humans and human nature.

There is nothing you can do about this deep seated misanthropy.

Your staying will not stay it - and your departure will not enhance its venom.

 

---

---

next: Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 29

Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 27

1. Types of Narcissists
2. The Inverted Narcissist - A Masochist?
3. Love
4. It is not What You DO
5. You Know What You Have to DO
6. Presumptions
7. Humanizing the Beast

1. Types of Narcissists

There are a FEW TYPES of narcissist. Thus, there are narcissists who are predominantly sexual communicators and others who are predominantly transactional communicators (this taxonomy roughly corresponds to the "somatic" and the "cerebral" narcissists). The only difference between narcissists and normal people is that where the latter experience real emotions, the narcissist either IMITATES their behaviour or mistakes his addiction to narcissistic supply and to narcissistic accumulation - for the Real Thing, for LOVE. Narcissists do not and absolutely cannot love in any meaningful sense of the word. By the way, "falling in love" or infatuation should be distinguished from "loving". But the narcissist experiences neither.

2. The Inverted Narcissist - A Masochist?

The Inverted Narcissist (IN) is described in great detail in both FAQ 66 and in many of the Excerpts.

The IN is much closer to the co-dependent. The archives of the Narcissistic Abuse Study List contain a lot of material regarding this similarity. The archives address is: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/messages

Masochism is a whole different ballgame. Strictly speaking it is only of a sexual nature (as in sado-masochism). But I assume that you mean masochism not in the strict clinical sense but in the wider use of "seeking gratification through pain".

This is not the case with co-dependents or IN. The latter is a specific variant of codependent who derives gratification from a relationship with a narcissist or an anti-social personality disordered partner. But the gratification has nothing to do with the (very real) emotional (and, at times, physical) pain inflicted upon the IN.

Rather, in the case of the IN, the gratification has to do with shadows of the past re-awakened. In the narcissist, the IN feels that he found a lost parent. The IN seeks to re-enact old unresolved conflicts through the agency of the narcissist. There is a latent hope that this time, the IN will get it "right", that THIS emotional liaison or interaction will not end in bitter disappointment and lasting agony.

Yet, by choosing a narcissist, the IN ensures an identical outcome of the relationship. Why should one elect to FAIL in his or her relationships is a deep question. Partly, it is the comfort of familiarity bestowed upon the IN by repetition. It seems that the IN prefers predictability to emotional gratification and to personal development. There are also strong elements of self punishment and self destruction added to the combustible mix that is the dyad narcissist-inverted narcissist.

3. Love

If reciprocated - it is love.

If not reciprocated - it is a torment.

If you persist in loving someone even after he humiliates you, refuses you, rejects you - then you do not love him.

You objectify him. Your "loved one" becomes the object of your "love".

By ignoring HIS emotions, his statements, his preferences - you dehumanize him, you reduce him to little more than a trigger for your transferences and mental disorders.

Such "love" is a cruel, ugly, repulsive, and dehumanizing experience.

Because it ignores the "loved one" completely.

He/she does not exist but as a two dimensional notation.

This is narcissism at its worst: the abstraction of the other.

Never mind what the "loved one" says, it will not sway the "lover".

This proves that the "loved one" does not really exist, as far as the "lover" is concerned.

Because had he or she existed, the "lover" would have respected their fervent wish not to be loved, not to be imposed upon, not to become an instrument for the satisfaction of the "lover's" needs.

---

---

---

4. It is not What You DO

This is what you fail to understand:

It is not what you DO to a narcissist.

It is not what you SAY to a narcissist.

It is that you ARE.

Sufficient reason for abuse.

5. You Know What You Have to DO

You know what you have to do: get rid of him as fast as you can.

You are also aware of your inability to do so.

When we are unable to seek our own welfare and consent to being abused and threatened - we need help and should seek it.

This is not agape - this is masochism.

Read FAQ 66

6. Presumptions

I have been thinking a lot about my behaviour last night (my time).

I think it has to do with your presumptuousness which leads to my dehumanization.

I will try to explain:

You presume to be my friend, on intimate terms with me.

You presume to understand me.

You presume to understand me better than I understand myself.

You presume to "feel" me even at a distance of thousands of miles.

You presume to be able to predict my moves and my behaviour.

When I protest and tell you that you are wrong - you forgivingly smile as though you know better than to believe me.

You give me a cyber-wink.

You tell me that I am lying or cognitively defunct.

This is demeaning, humiliating and dehumanizing.

It is a continuation of past abuse I suffered, sugar-coated.

So, to summarize:

Don't dare decide for me.

Don't dare doubt my sincerity.

Take me at face value.

Or buzz off.

7. Humanizing the Beast

You are in the throes of a constant and panicky effort to humanize the beasts in your life, to appease and sign truces with the monsters that passed for humans in your biography.

And you wish to believe that it is only because you withheld from them the supreme sacrifice they demanded (you, your needs, your children) that you failed in transforming them from what they are to what they could have been.

People make the mistake of thinking that in my writings about narcissism (or geopolitics, or whatever) I represent a moral stance. Of course I am not.

Lacking empathy, I am a completely amoral person. I have no moral position.

I observe dispassionately and describe what I have observed indifferently. I am an entomologist observing the black widow, a historian documenting Auschwitz, a professor of medicine diagnosing a brain tumour. Needless to say that many historians, brain surgeons, and entomologists are possessed of moral stances - but, to me, this is a contamination of their science, not an enhancement of it.

---

---

---

You accuse me of sadism in my effort to see "how far she would reach, how much she can suffer in her love to you, a monster, an alien". Ignoring the compliments for a minute, I beg to differ. In my interactions with women I am not an experimental scientist. I am an emotional sadist. There is a big difference between the vocation and the avocation. I have no interest in determining "how far" they will go in their obsession or "how much" suffering they can endure. There is nothing to be learned from the answers to these questions because each individual has her own threshold. No, I simply enjoy the momentary ability to inflict traumatic pain (emotional pain - I am not the physical type and will never harm a woman physically). It is as close as I can get to omnipotence. It is the perfect gender revenge.

As a Jew I would have done the same to Nazis. As a victim of a woman, I celebrate with unrestrained glee my ability to degrade women, to humiliate them, to frustrate them, to make them beg for life itself, for they see their (often imagined) relationship with me as life itself. This is why I abstain from sex. This is why I dazzle them with my intellect and charm and wit and knowledge, with unprecedented intrusive interest in their petty, boring, housewivish lives - and then I let go abruptly. At this stage, they are so brittle, so vulnerable that they crash to a million shreds with the crystalline sound of agony.

 

---

---

next: Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 28

Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 26

1. Women
2. Do not be Afraid
3. The Information Addict
4. Aggression
5. To Live and to Grieve
6. Anticipatory Panic
7. My Warden
8. Love, this Bastard
9. Going to Therapy
10. Official Psychology and NPD
11. Loving Narcissism

1. Women

I was 19 when I first masturbated and 25 when I had my first sexual encounter with a woman.

Mostly, I abstain, but every few years, I have bursts of sexual activity which last 1-3 months and are followed by years of abstinence or very infrequent sexual activity.

This is true even when I have plenty of Narcissistic Supply and when I am actively courted by women (for instance, when I am rich, or famous, or powerful, and look relatively good).

It is not that I don't want to have sex. I want to very much. I am unusually sensual and sensuous. I have the most delicious imagination.

But it is all mixed with murderous rage towards women. You cannot begin to fathom the depths of hatred and disdain, the contempt I feel towards these mermaids: half predators, half parasites.

My only consolation is the ease with which I can tease and then subjugate and then frustrate and then humiliate them. It is such a sweet revenge, such gratification that it often outweighs the pleasure of sex itself.

I am not a physical type, so I will never harm a woman physically. But, wherever possible to inflict pain and to drive a woman to the limits of her sanity - I do a good job of it.

I never stalk or threaten or do anything to impose myself.

I don't need to.

Women get addicted to me effortlessly.

All I need to do is to be my maddeningly frustrating and inaccessible self.

And the self-destructive mechanisms of the woman do the rest.

2. Do not be Afraid

Do not be afraid of your former husband. The only way not to be harmed by a narcissist is not to interact with one. AT ALL.

Narcissist sense your weaknesses and attack them viciously and rapaciously.

They are dangerous predators. One does not compromise with a tiger or accommodates a snake.

Moreover, narcissists understand ONLY the dual language of fear and hate, of threat and bait. Disengage, be firm, threaten him (within the law).

3. The Information Addict

I hate sleep.

For an information addict, sleep (or sex, or food, or any other bodily function, or any social function) is a torture.

Yet, lately, I oversleep (up to 11 hours in every 24).

It makes me rageful, resentful and misanthropic.

I decided to implement a strict regime of waking up and getting up.

My body is starting to betray me. It is utterly dilapidated, no musculature, no tonus. It is rhythm-less.

The flabby memory of excesses.

I feel certain that I have only a limited time left to say and do what I have to say and do.

In typical narcissistic fashion, I don't know what it is that I have to say or do (that is of such importance).

But my magical thinking assures me that the time will come and I will know.

And my omnipotence tells me that I am capable of saying and doing everything.

I feel deprived that I cannot have sex. I realize that it is - to use legal parlance - an unusual punishment, especially for someone so wildly sensual as I am.

---

---

---

4. Aggression

We often attribute other people's aggression to ourselves.

This way we do not feel threatened.

We often release frustration through aggression.

This way we feel threatening.

But very often we feel threatened when we feel threatening.

And so often other people's aggression is so frustrating ...

5. To Live and to Grieve

With me, it is a vicious circle. To live, I must first grieve. To grieve is to put life on hold. This enrages me. My rage causes losses. My losses lead to grieving and to further rage. In this mayhem, life is completely forgotten.

In my case, this is because I was treated as an instrument. Machines are repetitive and "insane" in that they go nowhere (they "import" their "personality" from the user - think about the inane term "user friendly").

Maybe I am falsely consoling myself but I keep telling myself that I have MY ride which no one shares or can share. As to the banquet - I have been there, I have done that. It's fake.

I think you enter relationships (the ones I witnessed) with the wish to give more than to receive. This is imbalanced and leads to emptiness. I wish you could think more about you and less about all those who need you and use you and finally (some of them) abuse you. A hefty dose of self-interest would have helped here (NOT narcissism - which is OTHER orientated - but SELF INTEREST which is the result of self love).

6. Anticipatory Panic

It is one of the main traits of the narcissist that he instills his rage in his victims and it is manifested as anticipatory panic.

7. My Warden

As for me, I know that I am my worst warden.

This was my big discovery in jail (of all places):

That I have the keys (the keys that matter) to my self-constructed cell.

That I create my burdens.

And that only I can imprison myself as my SELF is in my head and to there no one has total access - nor should anyone have.

Once these lessons are REALLY and FULLY assimilated, there are very few emotional upheavals afterwards.

I give no one the power to be my judge, I pick the jury, and I even then decide whether to accept their verdict or not.

Never hand to others the power to tell you what you are or what you should be.

8. Love, this Bastard

Love, this bastard of the twin monsters of fear of abandonment and neediness, is of no import to me.

I proclaimed its pathology long before it came to be in vogue to do so.

It is an addiction which is requited only by the ficklest of substances - the mind of another human being.

It is an affliction of reason, an emotional rash, the pretext for narcissistic reproduction.

It is vain and blind and ugly in its partiality.

I hate religion and there is none more superstitious, no god more cruel, no commandment more onerous, no scriptures more inane than love.

It is a relationship of one exploited and its master.

There is no equality between the junkie and his syringe.

Love is the continuation of hate and fear, the emotions provoked by our parents, by other means.

It is to look for omnipotence through impotence.

I much prefer hate and fear.

---

---

---

They are as potent as love, yet so ever more purposeful, crystalline and honest.

There is no hypocrisy in terror, nor is there pretence in hatred.

In them, we seek the ruin of our tormentors, thus to obliterate our addiction.

We seek to be freed from the shackles of dependence.

You ask me what would have been my choice if I could live one day as someone else - to be a Hitler or a Mother Theresa. The choice is easy. I always prefer the true (however evil) over the fake (however "unselfish").

You write to me that never having experienced love, I am hardly in the position to pass judgement.

This, needless to say, is a fallacy. My position is privileged in that, indeed, I was never infected.

Immune to it, I can observe with perfect factual objectivity, the basis to my utterly subjective views.

But I am subjective - not prejudiced, there is a big difference between the two.

You grieve over my "loss". You compliment me: I am attractive and intelligent and powerful and famous (wherever I live, that is). You cannot understand how I deny myself the joys of love and sex.

And I cannot understand how you deny yourself the joys of the intellect which are far superior to the obsessive and farcical exploration of orifices that is human sex. I cannot fathom how you are so irrational as to believe in the possibility of communication between minds - a philosophical impossibility, Wittgenstein notwithstanding. And if minds cannot communicate, how could psyches?

What is the currency of emotions? The legal tender of pain? It is with ourselves that we communicate, mistaking echoes for replies and our own reflections for others'.

Yes, you are right, I do live in a concentration camp. And so do you. Only you deny it.

9. Going to Therapy

There is no way to convince anyone to go to therapy - nor is there a point in doing so.

The decision to seek help must be the result of insight (often brought on by crisis and ego dystony, of "feeling bad"). It must be the eruption of the will to live FULLY.

You cannot provoke it in anyone and it is not a function of how much you love someone, devote and dedicate yourself to him.

10. Official Psychology and NPD

Official psychology (whatever that is) claims that the prognosis of NPD is poor but that psychodynamic talk therapies (=psychoanalysis mainly) can be of help.

I think that narcissists (especially what I call "cerebral narcissists" of which I am one) should be treated with a cocktail of supportive therapy and CBT/DBT.

11. Loving Narcissism

It looks as though it is not your wife that you love - but her narcissism.

The excitement, the unpredictability, the capriciousness, the torment, the agony - she is a sole and exquisite provider of all these.

You need not worry, she will never leave you for long.

Narcissists are sadists and inverted narcissists are both rare and the perfect match.

Concentrate on your problems and on your healing - NOT because you are "sicker" or "sick", but because this is your only way out.

Ignore her problems - she is as much your instrument as you are hers.

She is irrelevant, a symbol of your own imperfections.

Your wife does display traits borrowed from a few personality disorders (mainly the histrionic but also the narcissistic and the borderline).

Your behaviour is typical of a co-dependent and inverted narcissism (or "covert narcissism") is, indeed, a type of co-dependence.

You are compatible, in that you satisfy each other's psychological needs.

It would seem that this IS what you enjoy: the thrill, the fear, the pain, the dissolution.

Otherwise, why haven't you stayed with the other woman?

You are attracted precisely to your wife's ability to mimic a capricious, omnipotent, unpredictable, and arbitrarily sadistic parent.

I am NOT saying that you don't crave compassion and affection. I AM saying that you find a woman who offers you ONLY compassion and affection, understanding and kindness - unbearably boring. You need the drama, the excitement, the punishment, the adrenaline of a rocky relationship.

---

---

next: Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 27

The following is an excerpt from the book Unattended Sorrow: Recovering from Loss and Reviving the Heart
by Stephen Levine
Published by Rodale; February; $23.95 US; 1-59486-065-3
Copyright © 2005 by Stephen Levine

WHAT WOULD IT BE LIKE TO AWAKEN TO A DAY WITH OUR HEARTS open to our pain?

What would it be like to approach the mean habit of rejecting our pain, which turns it into suffering, with mercy and awareness? When we are no longer mesmerized by our wounds or making a religion of the pain by which we so often define ourselves, we stop running for our lives.

Some years ago, sitting next to a fifteen-month-old child whose cancer had begun in her mother's womb, as I prayed for her life, something very deep inside told me to stop, that I didn't know enough to make such a prayer. It said that I was just second-guessing God. That I could not really comprehend what her spirit might have needed next, that only this pain in this fleeting body, which was being torn from the hearts of her loved ones, might teach her as she evolved toward her ceaseless potential. That she, like us all, was in the lap of the mystery, and that the only appropriate prayer was, "May you get the most out of this possible!"

---

continue story below

---

Sharing our healing, we send wishes for the well-being of all those who, like ourselves, find themselves in a difficult moment, as the heart whispers, "May we all get the most out of this possible."

And we can say to ourselves, in appreciation of the healing potential of approaching with mercy and awareness that which so recently may have been an aversion to our situation, "May I get the most out of this possible."

It is said that nothing is true until we have experienced it, so as an experiment in sending love where the fear is, we can use the presence of mild pain to test the truth of softening and sending mercy into an area of our body that is perhaps captured in the constriction of fear. Knowing that working with physical pain demonstrates a means of working with mental pain as well, we can let go of the tension around physical discomfort.

If you watch closely, you'll notice that when you experience physical pain, you ostracize and isolate that part of yourself. You close off what is calling out for your help. We do the same thing with our grief.

When you stub your toe, more than physical pain is generated; grief is released into the wound, followed by a litany of dissatisfactions and "poor me's," a damning of God sent heavenward. When we trip and fall in the darkness, we are all too ready to curse ourselves for being so clumsy, as well as for not being able to hold our bladder until dawn, for not counting the hours in our just-expended 1,000-hour lightbulb, and the bruise is suffused with self-judgment and an irrational sense of responsibility.

The next time you have a minor wound, such as a stubbed toe or bumped elbow, note how long it takes that wound--when you soften to it and use it as a focus for loving kindness--to heal. Then compare it with the number of days it takes a similar wound to heal when you turn away from it, allowing the fear and resistance that rushes toward it to mercilessly remain. Contrast the healing of an injury in the mind or body in which loving kindness has gradually gathered to one that has been abandoned.

This softening and opening around pain has been shown in several double-blind studies to provide greater access of the immune system to an area of injury. It opens the vice of resistance into a never-considered acceptance of the moment. It denies hopelessness a home. It proves we are not helpless, that we can actively intercede in what we previously believed we had only to endure.

Working with our pain, or the pain of loved ones, cultivates a mercy that allows us to stay one more moment at their bedside when we are most needed. It allows us to not run away.

To open some of our healing potential, soften around the pain to melt the resistance that isolates it. Enter it with mercy, instead of walling it off with fear. Pass through the barricades of fear and distrust that attempt to defend the pain. Let what seems an improbable love--the ultimate acceptance of our pain--enter the cluster of sensations that so agitate the mind and body.

It takes patience to let go of doubt. So many fears warn us against opening beyond the numbness that surrounds pain. But when we allow ourselves to be open to and investigate these fears, we come to see them and our negative attachment to them, our compulsive warring with them, as a great unkindness to ourselves. As we open into our pain we may weep with gratitude when at last the pain does not so much disappear as become dispersed through the gradually expanding spaciousness of awareness.

As pain teaches us that fear can be penetrated by mercy and awareness, from some inherent knowing there resonates from our suffering a perfect teaching in compassion. We find in our pain the pain we all share. Softening around pain with mercy instead of hardening it with fear, the heart expands as "my' pain becomes "the" pain. Odd as it may sound, when we share the insights arising from our pain we become more able to honor the pain.

Following a tributary from the personal to the universal, we can find in our pain the pain of others as well. In our own wish to be free of suffering, others are calling out to be freed from their difficulties. Finding them in ourselves, the loving kindness that we extend to all sentient beings moves Earth toward heaven.

When we meet pain with mercy, there is a silent sigh of understanding and relief that can serve the whole world. There is exposed a meaning to life, a connection through ourselves to all others, that proposes a balm to the suffering in the world.

Reprinted fromUnattended Sorrow: Recovering from Loss and Reviving the Heart by Stephen Levine © 2005 by Stephen Levine. Permission granted by Rodale, Inc., Emmaus, PA 18098. Available wherever books are sold or directly from the publisher by calling (800) 848-4735 or visit their website at www.rodalestore.com

next:Articles: A Lesson in Change that Changed My Life

Codependence and Alcoholism

"When I first came into contact with the word "Codependent" over a decade ago, I did not think that the word had anything to do with me personally. At that time, I heard the word "co-dependent" used only in reference to someone who was involved with an Alcoholic - and since I was a Recovering Alcoholic, I obviously could not be Codependent.

I paid only slightly more attention to the Adult Children of Alcoholics Syndrome, not because it applied to me personally - I was not from an Alcoholic family - but because many people whom I knew obviously fit the symptoms of that syndrome. It never occurred to me to wonder if the Adult Child Syndrome and Codependence were related.

As my recovery from alcoholism progressed, however, I began to realize that just being clean and sober was not enough. I started to look for some other answers. By that time the conception of the Adult Child Syndrome had expanded beyond just pertaining to Alcoholic families. I started to realize that, although my family of origin had not been Alcoholic, it had indeed been dysfunctional.

I had gone to work in the Alcoholism Recovery field by this time and was confronted daily with the symptoms of Codependence and Adult Child Syndrome. I recognized that the definition of Codependence was also expanding. As I continued my personal Recovery, and continued to be involved in helping others with their Recovery, I was constantly looking for new information. In reading the latest books and attending workshops, I could see a pattern emerging in the expansion of the terms "Codependent" and "Adult Child." I realized that these terms were describing the same phenomenon."

---

continue story below

---

next: Alcoholism and Co-Dependence