Happy, Joyous, and Free

Which brings me to what I wanted to talk about.   I am so incredibly grateful for this path I am on.   The miracle of the Twelve Step Recovery Program Spiritual Principles first saved my life when I was trying to kill myself - then saved my life again when my Codependence was close to killing me.   My Codependence Recovery then turned living from something which was miserable and unbearable for me into a Glorious Exciting Adventure.   I am so glad to be alive today - and have a life work that I passionately believe in, Love doing, and which brings me great Joy.   I am not sure how I am going to pay my rent next month, haven't had anything close to a Love relationship for several years, and have some health problems - but those don't matter today. I am free to be Happy and Joyous in the moment for the majority of the moments of every day.

What I can see now is that my response to my car breaking down last month (Newsletter 10-25-98) broke me through to a whole new dimension of existence.   I have for years had a bumper sticker on my car that says Happy Joyous and Free - and I have had increasing tastes of what that means over the years - but now I am Truly living in a space where that is my reality most of the time.   I am Free to be Happy and Joyous in the moment most of the time because I am also free to be angry or sad or scared or hurt in the moment.   I am Free because I have let go of the "What ifs" and "If only" which are just my disease wanting me to feel deprived and victimized.   I am Free because I know in my heart and in my gut that I am Unconditionally Loved and I don't have to earn it.   I am Free because I know the future is not in my control - and I know that I am doing all of the seed planting and footwork that the Universe is prompting me to do.   I am Free to relax and enjoy life because the Spirit is guiding me.

Years ago I ran across a saying that I really liked and wanted to set as a goal - "Serenity is not Freedom from the Storm - Serenity is Peace Amidst the Storm."   I had always thought that I had to stop the storm.   Now I can be serene and peaceful no matter what the storm brings - life events like car breakdowns, other peoples behavior which is just them dancing with their own wounds, apparent financial insecurity, that I am still doing some unhealthy behavior health wise, whatever - I don't have to be perfect, I don't have to have money, I don't have to be in a relationship, to be happy.   I am Truly Free in this moment and in most of the moments of my life for these past weeks - this too will pass into something different at some point, but I know that once I have attained a new level, I will return to it often.   There is still going to be pain and fear and anger and hurt sometimes (a part of me just got real scared because the last time I felt something close to this good for a long period of time I got into a relationship - which was wonderful and very, very painful and a incredible gift package full of opportunities for growth - I guess if I can face burning at the stake and Heidi that I must be ready to deal with the old fear of intimacy issues again.)   Oh well, the adventure continues and keeps getting different.   I LOVE IT SO MUCH!!!

I guess it is pretty weird to be processing here on my computer and then sending it out for the world to read - but that is what I do.   The Truth is so powerful and wonderful and by doing the process work we get to start being allies with the Spirit where Love lives instead of with the disease where fear rules.   Fuck the fear I say - full speed ahead in the direction of Love."

I am doing the service at a Metaphysical New Thought church tomorrow and my topic is going to be Happy Joyous and   Free."

So, when the thought of getting involved in a romantic relationship hit me in the paragraph above - it seemed to come out of the blue.   I wasn't at that point thinking of the date the next day or having a date for the wedding in 6 weeks - I was just processing.

We had our date the next day and I could see that though we came from very different backgrounds and had different types of Spiritual Paths, we were both very dedicated to our Paths and might have some Karmic business together.   I left on my trip with an awareness that she and I might be getting involved in a relationship - and that it could be a very important powerful connection or it might be a painful lesson/opportunity for growth that could be preparation for a relationship to come.   I sent her a card when I got to Phoenix and called her on Thanksgiving - she was waiting for my call.   When I got back to Morro Bay is when the Adventure kicked into high gear.

Back to the e-mail of December 7th:

"I have of course been led to do a ton of work in recent months to open up to receiving Love, success, abundance, etc. - and to Loving myself even though I am overweight, still smoking, and pretty financially poor.   And once I reached the place where I could be happy and Joyous in the moment today despite all of those things - this new plateau of acceptance and letting go of all of my dreams and hopes and fantasies - then of course, they started to pour in (well the money isn't exactly pouring in yet but that will come soon). This new plateau is another paradigm shift that changes my relationship with everything again, and also involves reaching a deeper level of emotional honesty which will peal away another level of denial and expose some more of the deep core level grief to be released/terror of intimacy to be healed - more tears coming up - but there is so much more Joy now than pain.

BRING IT ON UNIVERSE, I SAY - A WHOLE NEW SET OF OPPORTUNITIES FOR GROWTH.   I AM SO INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL FOR THIS SPIRITUAL PATH.

So like I say - Nothing much happening here - What's with you.  Robert"

Boy, reading that now - I had no idea.   The part about "This new plateau is another paradigm shift that changes my relationship with everything again, and also involves reaching a deeper level of emotional honesty which will peal away another level of denial and expose some more of the deep core level grief to be released/terror of intimacy to be healed - more tears coming up - but there is so much more Joy now than pain."   - I didn't have a clue as to how much Joy was possible then - I was just entering a whole new world, a dimension of existence that I did not know was possible.   And I also had no idea of relatively how little power the core level grief had in my life anymore.

next: The Amazing, Magnificent, Miraculous, Magical, Fiery Eruption of Joy & Love & Dazzling Light