The Twelve Steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous: Step Four
Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Once I decided to abandon my way and my will in favor of God's way and God's will, I needed direction. I had a plan, but I needed definite goals and tasks by which to begin achieving that plan.
I only knew one way: my way, and it only managed to get me stuck. Now I was ready to get unstuck. I was ready to start growing.
The next logical step was to take inventory of my life. What did I have and what did I need to lose? What could I retain from my experience, and what did I need to release?
I did not work Step Four; Step Four worked me.
I sat down and started listing all the traits I was aware of about myself. The traits I was ready to give up; throw away; or change. I bought a blank book, and started listing the negative traits, one to a page.
What was on my list?
(This compilation initially took about four months of intensive journaling and counseling): Attachments, advising, accusations, arguing, bitterness, complaining, criticism, comparisons, conditional love, captiousness, doubting, denial, despair, discontent, exaggerations, fear, hypocrisy, impatience, intolerance, indecisiveness, irritability, guilt (unearned), guilt (inflicting), negativity, over-eating, presumptions, people-pleasing, perfectionism, resentments, regrets, rigidity, scolding, self-pity, stubbornness, self-righteousness, slothfulness, worrying, willfulness, and whining.
I meditated and prayed about each of these traits (and others) and asked God to show me how to overcome them or change them or lose them. I also asked God to continue showing me issues and personality traits that, as yet, I could not see or was not ready to see.
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Someone had given me Serenity: A Companion for Twelve Step Recovery. This book had very specific guidelines for working Step Four. I followed them carefully, under the guidance of my therapist.
Next, I took inventory of the positive legacies I had obtained from my childhood: strong work ethic, strong morals, strong sense of family, sense of humor, creativity, appreciation and respect for authority, faith in God, strong, healthy paternal and maternal role models.
I took inventory of the positive survival mechanisms I had developed: a can-do attitude, self-reliance, teachable, flexible, adaptable, well-organized, good public speaker, teacher, writer, focus, setting and attaining goals, etc.
I took inventory of my unique talents and abilities: friendly, caring, compassionate, relaxed, accepting, approachable, honest, able to express myself, confidence in my creative and artistic abilities.
I took inventory of the positive permissions I granted myself: living one day at a time; focusing on the present; loving my inner child; letting go of past shame; feeling OK about myself; continuing my self-growth and self-actualization; relaxing in my leisure time; letting go and letting God; taking care of myself first; trusting God; being OK with less than perfection; letting others live they way they want; being un-dependent; keeping a light heart.
I also looked at all my relationships and determined how I had contributed to making those relationships work or not work. This included: parents; grandparents; teachers; mentors; friends; and romantic interests. This was especially enlightening, now that I was willing to admit I had both helped and hurt other people by my actions, words, and influence.
The more I discovered about myself, the more I learned about God. The more I learned about God, the more grateful I became to God for showing me that I needed to make the decision to change my will and my life. I became grateful for every situation which had brought me to the point where I was ready to make the change. I became grateful for all the people and circumstances in my life. I began to turn from being bitter to becoming better. I became grateful for my life.
Step Four began the transformation process that God has been working in me ever since.
APA Reference
Staff, H.
(2008, December 23). The Twelve Steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous: Step Four, HealthyPlace. Retrieved
on 2024, September 7 from https://www.healthyplace.com/relationships/serendipity/twelve-steps-of-co-dependents-anonymous-step-four