I have schizoaffective disorder, meaning, simply, that I have a combination of bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. And I experience auditory hallucinations, even on Easter. I accept hearing voices, but I don't like that it happens. It’s hard to say what brings them on. Sometimes it’s a mix of anxiety and overstimulation; sometimes it’s one or the other. But, whatever the cause, as anyone who hears voices will tell you, hearing voices is not fun. It's difficult to accept hearing voices, but sometimes that's the only way to cope.

My schizophrenia (or, more accurately, schizoaffective disorder) revealed itself to me in the form of a psychotic episode around this time of year. It happened 17 years ago, when I was a sophomore at the Rhode Island School of Design. Having your first schizophrenic or schizoaffective psychotic episode in college is pretty typical. But if it happened so long ago, why does it still matter?

I have schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. It’s very common for anxiety to accompany bipolar disorder. So that means I have to deal with all the stress, obsessive worries, and other pitfalls of anxiety while dealing with my schizoaffective disorder (and many are in this same situation with schizophrenia). Let me give you a breakdown on what it's like living with schizoaffective disorder and anxiety.

I have schizoaffective disorder and I hear voices. The first time I heard them 16 years ago, I thought they were faeries. Sometimes I still think that. Faeries are troublemakers. So are my voices.

Several years ago, I made a video in an attempt to explain the complexities of my condition (Schizophrenia). When I made this video, I was starting to successfully control my illness. Even this, however, did not quell the anger that burned inside of me towards both the world and myself. I began to ask questions. Why was I chosen to carry this burden? What did I do to deserve this?

I wrote the poem “The Great Deceiver” yesterday in honor of my fifth year of good mental health. It is about the false world that I had lived in as a result of my Schizoaffective disorder. I am writing it in response to all the lies it told me over the years. The Great Deceiver Lies Lies Terrible Lies Don’t you think I know better You tell me this You tell me that I listen not I don’t believe you at all

It was Halloween night, and I was dressed up in costume waiting my turn to read poetry in front of 40 patrons at a local coffee shop. Despite my anxiety, I knew I had a battle to fight. Five minutes remained, my palms were sweaty, but there was no turning back now. I got up on stage, and my first words were “Hello, my name is Dan Hoeweler and I am here tonight on a mission.” I then turned on my stereo system which blared scary music from the movie “Saw”, and began to read the following poem, inspired by my mental illness, schizophrenia, completely unsure how the audience would react. Watch.

Hello, my name is Dan Hoeweler, and thank you for visiting my blog, Creative Schizophrenia. The purpose of this blog is to help bring hope to those whose lives have been touched by schizophrenia and create a further understanding of one of the most stigmatized and misunderstood of all mental illnesses.