I am at an impasse, with my writing and with my feelings.  Of course, these issues are related. Last month, I began writing here about mending my relationship with my ex-boyfriend Bob, and we've been getting along very well in the meantime.  We've reached a point of sharing that is different than at any time in our past:  I've been able to share my feelings - past and present - with Bob and he has admitted a level of honesty I never expected from him.  I was very happy, until I sought to write a long piece about our relationship for my personal blog and I couldn't come up with a way to tackle the topic.  That's when I knew that I had some negative reactions mixed in with my warm fuzzies.

In business school, I slept with my best friend Bob and then proceeded to fall in love with him. As these things go, he didn't return my feelings, we fought a few times then left town without speaking to each other.  A few years ago we reconnected - figuratively and literally - with similarly disastrous results.  Now, Bob and I are speaking again and I'm committed to making the friendship work.  No, I'm not a glutton for punishment.  Rather, I believe that making amends will help me be healthier and better manage my bipolar disorder.

In my last video post, Emotion Regulation and Dating with Bipolar Disorder, I talked about what I thought was a burgeoning relationship or something with Erik.  Well, that something has become a nothing and I'm crushed.  Not because I was in love with him or anything, but because in spite of my new-found emotional health I ended up where I've generally been:  alone.

Sometimes people with mental illness aren't the most self aware.  Some of us have a tendency to get consumed by our internal drama that it's hard to listen to other people.  We spend so much time listening to our feelings, processing our emotions, talking about ourselves in therapy to figure out how to stay healthy.  I'm not suggesting that we give up time-tested methods of self regulation, but I think that our relationships with others - not always that with ourselves - can tell a bigger picture about our mental health.

Many people aren't good at relationships, particularly at the beginning.  What might be a time of excitement and optimism for the average person can turn to anxiety and depression for someone with bipolar.  In this blog post, I compare the feelings I experience during the beginning of a relationship - in this case, with Erik, a new love interest - with the mood fluctuations of bipolar disorder.

Everyone has a story about a couple they know who've argued openly on Facebook.  Or the person who was ostracized by their followers on Twitter.  Online social networks can bring out the worst in public behavior for some people, spurred on by anonymity and groupthink.  The average person might be plagued by the public nature of social networks.  However, when you have a mental illness, particularly one with a component of anxiety, tools like Twitter and Facebook can become breeding grounds for obsessive behavior.

On Monday, I told my psychiatrist that I wanted to start dating again. Since  I said it aloud, it must be true or at least close enough to my conscious mind for it to spill out of my mouth. Though I've had a few bad dates, I haven't had a relationship since before my bipolar diagnosis. So brimming with self-awareness off I go back onto the market...but what am I looking for?

Have you seen the commercials for the new movie, 50-50? If not, here's a synopsis: Guy 1 tells Guy 2 that women will like him better when they find out that he has cancer.  Cut to Guy 2 disclosing his cancer to Girl at the Bar. Now imagine what it would be like to use your mental illness as a pick-up line? Not really the stuff of one-liners, is it?

My last boyfriend had no clue that I suffered from depression. Some people may find that difficult to believe, but it's actually very easy to mask your feelings and symptoms. In my case, it was very easy to choose a partner from whom I could hide the truth and, therefore, to prevent myself from having a healthy and successful relationship.

Maintaining all relationships is difficult.  Dating is even harder.  But I think it takes a special kind of person to begin a relationship with a person who has a mental illness.  This fact hit home for me this weekend when I adopted a cat.   You might not immediately see the parallel between getting a pet and, say, dating someone with bipolar.  However, I adopted a cat who may have heart disease and it was a gut-wrenching decision.