I Don't Need False Hope, or Fantasy: Mental Health Recovery
Most days I feel like I'm breaking and entering -in search of a place I fit. A narcissistic fantasy? The inverse reflection of all the pain I've kept on ice... The parts of the story that are hoped for, soon forgotten, and incredibly unlikely to come true.
Living with anxiety: control?
I can prop my life up with all sorts of CBT skills but I can't predict when or what 'well' will be; I can get past anxiety but I can't rely on that feeling.
Fact is, I don't know what mental health recovery would look like because what it feels like is closer to the sky is crushing me, than that it's simply falling. Like I should be stripped of all my privileges and locked in a biohazard containment suit.
Mental Illness: Half a history
The world is filled with golden-haired girls and boys. They're laid bare in magazines, on TV screens, billboards, in our longings and dreams.
So sometimes people look at me, and they'll say things, imply things: She's not helping herself, is she? Could be doing better. Room for improvement. Weak. Strange.
Comparatively, I'm sure that's true; Comparing me to the golden-haired girl I'm not.
Maybe I'd run out of options, maybe there are things you can't imagine, living in my head? Maybe I just want what the Joneses seem to have and I don't know how to get there. Anxious. Alone. Because you can't tell what's happening to me, and you stopped listening at "comparatively".
I just think that's one of the set-ups of modern society. What happens next, and what came before -It's so rarely filled in.
Mental health is rarely seen
We grow up thinking they exist, those golden-haired boys and girls. That they're perfectly perfect, even when that's killing us softly and we're slipping away because we stare far too long.
I spent a long time thinking I could become the best Barbie in the bunch and that would be enough to bring me back from the brink. That's the way it works, isn't it? If we're good little kids, not a hair out of place. Dying ever so excellently.
Waiting for whatever comes next, not understanding how we got here, or what makes us worth saving in the first place.
Anxiety: I do not need fantasy
I need more than the best pill in the batch. I need more than good advertising, and a sales pitch from a well-groomed Harvard degree with the ability to tell me the same things he tells himself to get to sleep.
I can't keep going, and I'll never get unstuck, unless I start chipping away the fantasies that stand in my way.
I don't want to stay trapped in the eyes of a stranger. I need substance, and fact: to strip away the layers of who I might be - the ideas that fill me till I can barely think, let alone move because perfect isn't perfect unless you can get there with what you already have.
Because panic takes too much away from me.
Pills, booze, therapy - other people's stories- aren't the same as feeling sure. But maybe I'll learn something from history: my history.
Maybe I can get beyond the packaging, and the promises of a 60-day anxiety free guarantee?
Which is where I think treating anxiety truly begins.
White, K. (2011, March 29). I Don't Need False Hope, or Fantasy: Mental Health Recovery, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2022, July 2 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/treatinganxiety/2011/03/i-dont-need-false-hope-or-fantasy-mental-health-recovery
Author: Kate White
In term of psychiatric treatment, it might said that complete recovery didn't exist in any case. This an healthy fiction, which in complex mental health service should avoid as encouraging promise to patient with mentally problems, to any kind. Furthermore, when it is well-known that in psychiatric practice didn't exist ideal mental health state, but only mature psycho-social condition, to which depend our life efficiency. And this premise might be satisfactory or inadequate for respective person as well as for social milieu. Indeed, there is successful psychiatric medication that improves our life functionality, when it is seriously injured. Essentially is to achieve an optimal degree of mental health, in order to respond in bountiful manner to primary life demands. At all events, this current psychiatric intention couldn't accomplish with false and attractive engagement to mentally ill person.
Nice, Kate. I resonate with the crushing sky when I was depressed, and now that I'm manic, can I use it to come back to Mr. Ken, Barbie's big, buff BF. Do I I have the staying energy? Do I even wanna be that guy, pre-depression anymore? So much as changed... Thanks for a good blog!
i have severe anxiety and PTSD as well as DID.
currently i am feeling so discouraged that i can't seem to overcome my anxiety symptoms. it's hard to get through the day and even harder to do things outside of the house. it feels like an accomplishment to dress and shower and go for a walk around the block.
is it because i'm not trying hard enough at the CBT? is it because i'm not trying hard enough? that's what i keep thinking and then i become even more discouraged.
i am in treatment and on meds. i suppose i just needed to rant a little.
thanks for listening.
dogwatcher(used to be...can't even work anymore)