The Predictability of Domestic Abuse

The predictability of domestic abuse is, overall, easy to see; but case-by-case, domestic abuse eruptions are unpredictable. The predictability of domestic abuse exists because you know that the abuse will happen again, following a pattern; the unpredictability is in when it will occur.

Predictability, Domestic Abuse And Why You Get Caught Off Guard

The abuser is as unpredictable in her moods and actions as any other person. But when she realizes you can't read her mind, then you are not who she thought you were. She gets scared because if you aren't who she imagined you to be, because then she can't control you. And if she can't control you, her reality shatters.

The abuser becomes upset when there is any trace of evidence showing that you are not being, doing, or thinking like she does (Patricia Evans, Controlling People). The evidence showing that you are a separate person from her causes her world-view to tremble and she lashes out in a variety of abusive methods to regain control of you (and her fantasy reality).

Domestic Abuse And Predictable Methods of Control

The methods the abuser uses to abuse vary depending on her personality, the current situation, and the intended victim. But there are predictable behaviors abusers use to regain control.

Isolation: If the abuser isolates you from the rest of the world as best she can, you are easier to control. There are fewer people to hear you, validate your feelings, or tell you outright that she doesn't treat you well. Additionally, isolation from other people increases your reliance on the abuser and can make you feel like Rapunzel who must let down her hair for the witch so she can eat (survive).

Erasing: The abuser seeks to erase the "true you" and replace you with her version of who she thinks you should be. The abuser attempts to make you less than you are in your own mind, too. My abuser said that if I would do what a woman was supposed to do (blindly follow him), then we wouldn't have any problems. He told me that I didn't know about the real world (so my opinions meant nothing). Abusers try to erase you from their reality. They much prefer the imagined you that is under control.

Verbal Abuse: All types of verbal abuse is designed to control your thoughts, actions, and feelings. Verbal abuse includes everything from accusing to threatening, undermining, name-calling and more. The cumulative result is emotional abuse and brainwashing.

Predictability of Pattern in Domestic Abuse (aka Cycle of Violence)

Several sites describe the cycle of violence and abuse. The pattern is predictable, but each phase can last minutes or years. For example, I endured four physical assaults in 18 years of marriage. However, the verbal violence cycle repeated much more frequently. The honeymoons I experienced were typically short, but some couple's honeymoons last a very long time.

The cycle of abuse goes something like this:

1.) Incident. Any type of abuse qualifies as an incident.

2.) Calm. Abuser claims the abuse wasn't as bad as you made it out to be and/or blames you for "making me hurt you." Or, the abuser may pretend nothing happened at all and expect you to do the same. Or there may be simply a blissful silence and separateness. The abuser is gauging your response to determine how nice she has to be to make you stay.

3.) Honeymoon. Abuser may apologize, maybe won't. The idea of the honeymoon is to make you believe it will never happen again (again). Abuser is sweet and kind; you may receive gifts. You soften and come to believe or hope the abuse will not occur again. You may get confused and think that maybe the abuse wasn't as bad as you thought.

4.) Tension building. Tension builds because the abuser gets tired of acting like a normal person who accepts you have your own ideas, feelings, and desires. She gets tired of you being you. At the same time, you feel the shift and want to keep the abuser calm and placated. You probably spend a lot of time guessing what the abuser's mood may be so you know how to act. You may feel frightened, as if you're walking on eggshells, suffer anxiety or panic attacks, and/or withdraw from life to become as small and unnoticeable as possible. It won't work.

5.) See number 1.

Victim Behaviors That Spark Abuse

Is there anything a victim can do to prevent an abusive attack? Sure! All you have to do is

• agree with the abuser about everything,
• do exactly what she would do in every situation, and
• anticipate her every need.

Also, be wary of asking her simple questions that you should know the answer to yourself. Avoid asking,

• "Where are you going?"
• "What do you think about that?"
• and "What do you want to eat for dinner?"

You should know the answers to all of those questions. Right?

Also, there is one emotion you should probably avoid at all costs: happiness. Be careful of being too happy when she is in a good mood (she may wonder what you're so darn happy about when she's only partly jolly). Be especially wary of being happy when she is not happy at all (my ex-husband thought that I wanted to piss him off when I said, "I love my job!" with a smile. He acted out on that "insult" for a month). And please remember: A truly happy, joyful person is centered - he controls himself. THAT is an especially threatening emotion for an abuser to witness because happy people are very difficult to control.

Above all, remember that your abuse follows a predictable pattern. Begin to observe it, my friends. But for the love of Pete, stop believing you can control it.

Knowing what stage of the cycle of abuse you're living in enables you to better insulate and detach yourself from an unpredictable person. At least when faced with an "Incident" you can nod your head and comfort yourself with the knowledge that you knew it was coming, you just didn't know when.

*Both women and men could be abusers or victims, so please do not take my pronoun choices or my experience as an implication that one gender abuses and the other is victimized.