Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do

April 29, 2012 Kellie Jo Holly

Abusive people, men and women, say and do similar things to control their victims. The delivery may vary in tone or type, but the effect is the same. Read this.

What does verbal abuse sound like? The tone and content varies from abuser to abuser, but the words effect the victim in similar ways. Victims hear horrible things from their abuser and they feel small, withdrawn, angry, helpless, sad, shame, and a hundred other horrible emotions - sometimes all at once.

In the beginning of my abusive relationship, I felt anger and stood up for myself which led to loud, circular verbal altercations that had no solutions. Later, after coming to believe that he was my hero, my savior and provider, I felt stupid and wanted to fix myself so he would love me. Much later, I turned away and left the house for awhile which eventually led to increased physical violence and leaving forever.

Sometimes my abuser's words hurt when he jabs and attempts to provoke on the phone. Mostly, the memory, the countless memories of the abusive things he's said to me rear up and try to convince me that his remembered voice is my own.

This list is only a partial list of the things verbal abusers say. It's not limited to my own abusive relationship. It takes into account what others report hearing, too.

Things Verbal Abusers Say:

  • "Why don't you get a job so you understand the real world? Oh, wait - I forgot - you can't get a job because you're a stupid sh!t.
  • "Quit your whining and crying. You have no reason to cry or complain! Your life is perfect because I made it that way!"
  • "Bitch" (and the countless other names I won't bother to list)
  • "I should have left you at the club with all the other whores."
  • "If you were more like my mother I could worship you."
  • "I hate it when you act so pitiful. Stop the waterworks and talk like a human being."
  • "I can't stand to look at you. You make me sick."
  • "You're such a great actress! You know how to get what you want, don't you?"
  • "I can't believe I have to come home to you every day. How did I get involved with such a train wreck?"
  • "I must be the first a$$hole to love you. You don't know how to please a man!"
  • "You're fat and miserable and you make me hate you."
  • "You always look like God stomped on your face."
  • "Why do you care what I want for dinner? My favorites taste like crap when you make them anyway."
  • "You used to be as beautiful as my ex, but geesh - time hasn't been good to you, baby!"
  • "Those children are mine, will always be mine, and if you leave you'll never see them again."

Things Verbal Abusers Do:

  • Deny they said anything similar to the list above.
  • Defend what they've said.
  • Analyze what they've said out loud, explaining that the words they used do not have the definitions you seem to think they do.
  • Block you in a room so you can't leave and thereby avoid what they're saying.
  • Talk horribly to the television but are really speaking to you.
  • Flip open their knife to open a piece of gum while looking at you under knitted brows.
  • Leave to do something else at the last minute when you had plans together.
  • Take you out for your best birthday ever and then wind up berating you on the way home for not appreciating their efforts enough.
  • Tell your children you need more happy pills to be a good mom.
  • Change the topic of the conversation so you bounce from one place to another, never getting to the core of the issue.
  • Accuse you of being a whore or a dummy or a _________ so often that they no longer need to say the words but can offer up a "look" and you know what they're saying (then they may deny it).

Abusive people, men and women, say and do similar things to control their victims. The delivery may vary in tone or type, but the effect is the same.Okay. I have to stop. My stomach is literally upset right now after digesting the utter contempt and hatred some people spew on a daily basis.

If you're still living in this nonsense, learn about detachment and how it can benefit you. Maybe in time you'll choose to leave your abuser, and maybe you'll choose to stay. No one here will judge you for staying (I've been there and it can feel hopeless!), but please work on ways to make yourself feel better in the process.

Start here:

You can also find Kellie on her website at Verbal Abuse Journals , and social media pages on Google+, Facebook and Twitter. Buy her books from Amazon.

*Both women and men could be abusers or victims, so do not take my pronoun choices as an implication that one gender abuses and the other is victimized.

APA Reference
Jo, K. (2012, April 29). Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2021, December 5 from

Author: Kellie Jo Holly

Barry Salvitore
June, 11 2018 at 2:01 pm

I am very curious about something.
If someone is abusive , is it something that would most likely happen for years and years, or can it start suddenly, even after 20 years?
There is a situation where I know someone since basically the time I was born as the person has been friend with an older sibling since they were in preschool. I know him, his parents, his siblings, etc..
I realize of course it is difficult to know 100% what goes on behind closed doors, but when I have to choose whom to believe. I must believe the person with more credibility.
the person's spouse made claims that the husband was abusive to her, phycially and mentally. the person said stuff like "this will be hard to believe, I know it is hard to believe" however, t is also stated that the husband treats the couple's child very well, no abuse whatsoever and never has and cares for them.
they claimed the husband grabberd her. now sh ealso said she filed a claim, but the medical examiners showed zero proof of any bruises.
also says she is diminished etc.. the person says their own parents and siblings and everyone else takes his side, and not hers. well all people who know her very very well.
I do also know this idiivdual has some sort of bipolar and other similar issues for a long time. I also know one time they did something such as leaving work early, driving for no apparent reason , to some other state, every one was worried, work didn't know anything, nobody did, she was found to be ok, they were all very worried about her. then after they decided to start medications . and she had been mostly fine for awhile although still did some weird things.
recently she started having some episodes again, and I was told they sent her to a place that deals with mental illness to help her get better. I don't think she wanted to go.
she accsued her huband, her parents, and of course all the doctors of conspirting against her.
now she doesn't want to go home acting like she is all scared. but I asked both for the aprens andt he husband, were they always like this? or did this start recently. she seemed to indicate recent.
none of that really adds up to me. I am thinking she is deluding herself into thinking something is happening that is not. but I think the fact they made her go get help, was the trigger for her being so accusatory and wants to take a stand.
so I am wondering, what are some thoughts on this?

May, 23 2018 at 10:26 pm

Wow! So many people going through what I am going through. First off, I am a firm believer in putting love into action. Because I have studied love I took his mistreatment of me as a challenge to love him more, because he seemed like he never had anyone to love him. 3 years of misery, 1 miscarriage, a 2 year old and a 2 month old later, I now see that he is not the person for me. Even when he wished I would die in the hospital after giving birth to our son I stayed. Even though his behavior in the operating room while the doctors were giving me a c section had us all super alarmed because he was so angry that I wanted our sons middle name to be after my father. We thought he was going to hit me in my stomach while I was cut open on the operating table. Thank God he just stormed out, but I stayed. Even though he hoped our daughter wouldn't make it stayed. I left for a short while but I returned and it seems things are worse. He calls me worthless, ugly, he tells me he never liked me, refuses to pay the bills ontime and give me money to take care of the kids and house. I know I made the wrong decision to come back, but I'm to ashamed to go back to my sisters house. I feel so alone, sad and depressed. I know the cure is to leave him and focus my attention elsewhere but where do I start? How do I start? I have no money, no job 2 babies and a van that needs a new engine.

May, 12 2018 at 2:04 pm

I’m so glad it is not me being crazy, neither the problem. I am called everything under the sun, then he wants sex. Then he is charming until I say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing, or simply ask him to clean after himself. How dare I tell him what to do!! Then I am the problem. I’ve been called everything during my 8 years of hell marriage. Unfortunately, where I live, I have no relatives or friends who can help me. I feel trapped. He threatens me with everything. He has even been violent sometimes. He constantly shouts at me. I’m never asked how am I. I need to work, clean, cook and shop. If something in the house is dirty, then I should go and clean it again. I feel ugly, unloved, disrespected, sad, isolated as I don’t have many friends either and I cannot really turn around to the few ones I’ve got and tell them what he really is like when they see me a bit sad. I feel extremely lonely. I really feel I have nobody to talk to. I just wish I had never met this man. That I had never married him. He was so much nicer when I met him, but he has gone worse and I really regret ever meeting him. No. Leaving is not an option. I’ve tried that before and I have had to come back due to money and children problems. Yes, I work. No, it is not enough for maintaining a child and myself. Do not judge. It is very easy to tell people to leave, especially when you’re not in their shoes. As I said before, I tried it and it did not work. Renting, the cost of daycare for a child, working and studying. I simply could not cope make ends meet. Now I work and still I struggle with the money, but I have a roof over my head and I am saving some money. One day, I’ll be free and happy again. Someone will give me a big hug and will tell me it wasn’t my fault and that everything will be ok.

May, 23 2018 at 10:55 pm

My heart breaks for what you are going through, what we all are going through and others have gone through. It's not your fault I'm praying for you, please pray for me. You are loveable and loved. Saying this to you makes me feel better. I am going to start to counteract the negative by making self affirming statements to myself regularly.

May, 5 2018 at 9:38 pm

I have been married 31 years to a verbal abuser, didn't realize it was that until the last 5 years. I married for Better or worse but, abuse does not count. I have been called every name n the book, but things have taken a new twist, I begged for counseling and he won't do t because I'm the one fucked up, I'm toxic, have my head up my ass. If I try to defend myself against his words he is an expert at blame shifting. The newest thing is he can be a nasty insulting person, I'll walk away, because confronting him makes things worse then in 2 minutes it's like nothing happened. I'm still angry and hurt but don't say anything. It's almost like he is two people. I'm still in the marrage that is loveless, I try to hug or kiss but after being rejected so many times I don't even try that seems to suit him just fine. Currently our arguments over the dumbest things, where he says says terrible things is about every other night so I do believe I should end this whole thing, but it is scary.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

May, 5 2018 at 9:49 pm

Wow arter rereading this is is so toned down to what is really going on, I can't have any friends, and the two I have I have to see in secret, he won't get close or let anyone get close to us. A few time we did and they stopped being our fiends because they couldn't stand the way he treated me and were mad because I put up with it. According to hubby we don't have any friends because I push them away. I could go on and on it it is all because of me, he has stripped me of any self confidence. Ruined anything I care about but it is my fault. This has gone on the whole marriage, but yeah something must be wrong with me because I stay. I'll admit I stay because I'm scared, ashamed for putting up with it, afraid of what he will say. I have no kids a job and am financially able to leave so there should be no excuse right.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

April, 29 2019 at 7:29 pm

Hun its perfectly normal to be scared, weither you have kids/a job or not. Im only 15 and was in an abusive relationship that i finally ended almost a year ago. A lot of people weren't happy with me either since i was 'letting it happen' it's a very dark and terrifying place to be. Ima be honest tho, i really hope you leave, and soon! Leaving my ex was one of the best decisions I've ever made. It was a hurdle cuz i was scared too and im not gonna lie, after you leave him (if you choose to) your prolly gonna feel anxious about it for a while like 'did i make the right decision?' But one day you'll realize you did and it'll all be behind you. If he tries to rope you back in...Stand. Your. Ground!
Also something kinda ironic: you posted this the exact day i left that ex 😂
I'll be praying for you dear!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

July, 18 2021 at 7:57 pm

Its sad to say but this is howvive treated my wife for a long time,and now that ive lost my family im a complete empty mess ! Never did I realize the person I had become and all I had to do was stop!I feel bad for you and your situation since it foes relate to mine and im one of those men that will not q u it or give up on my wife and my family ,I wish I hadn't said or done all the things I have but I did and now I'm the one lost,take it from me some men do admit as nd figure out whats important and meaningful to them but sometimes we figure it out too late!!

May, 4 2018 at 8:50 pm

It took me reading this to see my first husband was a narcissist and my second husband not far off. I feel anyone that can relate to this is dealing with a narcissist, they lack feelings. You can try until you’re blue in the face to get them to understand but they are unable to feel empathy. My first husband committed suicide. If you are reading this- You Deserve Better!! Please leave this man that is tr sting you this way! You are strong and beautiful!

April, 21 2018 at 3:52 am

My husband called me pathetic because I enjoy taking my son to work because I get to spend time with him, then when I wanted to talk about it the next day he brought up a kiss & hug my son gave me for my birthday a year & a half ago a quick kiss my husband made out it was some torrid affair I was having with my son told me if a father kissed their daughter like that he'd be in jail made me feel like a paedophile & told me I was disgusting. I was just getting very the fact he kicked me out in September we got back together because he agreed to marriage counseling but only went to two sessions. He's been sucking up but today called me a sour puss I sad I was just sad I said an apology will help but he said i will never get one because he meant it. He cuddled up to me cause he wants sex I have in my head why would he want that with someone he believes s pathetic & disgusting. He never tells me he loves me, never kisses me because he says it's disgusting & sloppy. I don't know what time do I believe my love for him is dieing I want to leave but can't afford to as i don't work and he says its his money & his house & I won't be entitled to anything about if I left.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

April, 21 2018 at 3:55 am

Sorry few minutes spell check mistakes but you get the jift.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

May, 4 2018 at 8:54 pm

That’s not true about not being entitled. He’s using the word entitled to make you think you don’t deserve something. How long have you been married? You could very well be “entitled” to a lot!!

April, 17 2018 at 6:31 pm

My husband tells me I have enemies and nobody likes me... Calls me stupid.. Gets angry easily and blames me for everything... I'm no angel and I always right my wrong of I'm wrong.. But he never apologies .. I'm so hurt... I just want to hide... I had a job and he started accusing me of being in men face and I never in my life ever did.. Even questioning our five year of he ever seen me do that :(

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

June, 25 2021 at 3:04 pm

You do not deserve this. Talk to him on how you’re feeling and what you need. Look for progress and lack of occurrences / extremes, if there is no growth, try your best to leave if this is something you cannot live with. I am currently in a relationship where I’ve been told “you’re not marriage material” “you embarrass me” “I wouldn’t ever have kids with you” and the list goes on. I am still in this relationship, we have discussed that the extremes most stop or I cannot feel respect or love.

Jolly holly
April, 7 2018 at 5:16 pm

Well life is short it must really suck for them to be so uncomfortable in their own skin that they have to put another down constantly and smirk and ? and get off on it there the ones who are truly morally bankrupt

April, 5 2018 at 7:23 am

It's so crazy to read other people's stories alnoat exactly like mine....I am 25 and my bf is 34. I've never left comments on a website before but I feel like I need to at the point I'm at right now in my relationship.
My boyfriend gets mad at me when I want to hang with my friends and family...almost to isolate me. He never wants to hang with his friends either. He always has to be around me which is great I love being with him but I believe time apart definitely helps a relationship so u can miss and appreciate the person u are with. He tells me things ...and then when I say what did u say he will deny ever saying anything. Like tonight he said he wanted to go to Sheetz bc they have the best subs ( but he always wants to go to Rutter's bc he says THEY have the best subs) so it confused me. So im on my way to Sheetz and he's like where are u going and I say Sheetz..he's like I never wanted to go there I told u I wanted Rutter's. I said NO u didn't so of course we argued about that. Why does he do things like this? To f**k with me?? I do not understand. Wev been together almost two years...he wasn't always like this. He started about a year in messing with my head and calling me crazy. He's always been kind of a jerk tho. Making fun of me and always thinking he's better than me. Makes me look stupid in public and is a [moderated] in front of other females which ticks me off. Like why does someone do this to someone they love! Or say they love at least. He has his good and bad Days tho. A couple days can pass with NO I just don't understand. Everyone now is telling me to leave bc it's getting worse it's just so hard to hard to except :(
I've started breaking our TV's and electronics and I've never been this way. He just really gets my blood boiling. He never does anything wrong. Barely ever apologizes to me. And always turns everything around on me. I'm just at my breaking point and feel so drained. I love him to death and wanna spend the rest of my life with him but now idk. His family and friends think I'm the bad guy and think that he never contacts them or hangs out with them bc of ME! And that's not the case I tell him to hang with his friends and he just don't. I'm just so sick of this like do I just have to accept the fact and eventually leave. I think I do have to but I just can't now. It's nice and not nice to know others go thru this. I feel for all of u ladies ....!!!
Do they get off in doing this?!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

April, 12 2018 at 8:41 am

Brirtney... I don't know why some people do this. But not everyone does. And if you leave, it hurts, but you start to realize it's not normal, and you don't have to live with that shit. That's the point where I am now. Woke up this morning thinking about him and wondering if I could've done better and made it all work... and remembering being called a slut, fucking stupid, and actually the worst thing was that he'd say things hadn't happened-- "I never said that"-- and I started to think I was crazy. If you are smashing electronics, it's because your situation is so frustrating that that is a rational response. Having someone lie to your face, about something you KNOW is true, that he should know is true since *he said it to you*? Having someone cause you all kinds of anguish, but barely ever apologize, insist he's done nothing wrong, etc? Having someone embarrass you in public, put you down, and call you crazy? Yeah, I don't know why he's doing that, but if you ask me, your blood *SHOULD* be boiling!
I don't know much about your situation, what you need, what your options are... it sounds like you *haven't* let him cut you off from friends and family and you have people in your life who know you deserve better, so you've got that. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, just... you aren't crazy. Trust yourself. It's way harder than anyone else understands, looking in-- AND you can do this.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

May, 5 2018 at 10:01 pm

Your young not married, if he is doing this now it only get worse. And it ruins you. My only saving grace was I had a good job, so the abuse was there but I tolerated it for 28 years then an accident and I lost my Job. After that the flood gates opened to the real hard core abuse. I got another better Kobe but the months of constant put downs took its toll. I'm still in the marrage but hopefully will end it soon. I'm just scared to start ver at 60 years old. That in itself breaks my heart. The point it get out before your in to deep. RUN!

March, 29 2018 at 7:08 pm

Am I wrong to call the abuser moronic, evil or pathetic? He accuses me of being abusive because I’ve called him these words when he has been abusive. I’ve never used those words normally but those are true descriptions of people who are abusive. I was not even allowed to use he word stupid growing up so I know these are not words I would prefer to use but I cannot call abuse nice sweet and considerate. I’ve asked him what he would call a person who has treated someone so bad and he will not answer. He just expects an apology for using those words only when he has acted abusive. We are currently separated, thank goodness. I’ll gladly apologize if I am wrong.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

March, 31 2018 at 3:03 am

Hi Lynn,
Thank you for your comment. I think it's difficult to contain the anger and hurt we feel when someone abuses us, and I would never want to censor someone who was a victim. However, I think we have to be careful not to emulate the abuser's language in our own behavior, because isn't it always wrong to call someone pathetic or moronic? It's easy to pick up on and even copy the actions and words of someone who abuses us, so I don't think you're in the wrong per say. I just wonder if there's a better way for you to explain how you feel, such as getting to the root of WHY his behavior is hurtful.
Can you say instead, "Your behavior is inappropriate and you need to treat me with more respect?" or "When you say that, it makes me think you don't respect me."
I don't think there are any magic words that can change abusive behavior sadly, but I do think we have to be careful not to retaliate with yet more abuse. This creates a vicious cycle that's toxic for both parties. What do you think?

March, 29 2018 at 7:00 pm

When I give adjectives to discribe the abusers......

Chasity McDonald
March, 11 2018 at 6:19 am

I get called a b**ch a prostitute a dumba** whore. A retard . I get called fat . I was told by him I'm not worth his investment. He always says he could hit me and in the blink of an eye I'd be dead cause of how strong he is. He humiliates me in public. He watches porno . he don't like me buying myself anything . he always tells me I owe him . he makes me feel like I'm the problem .. I've been with him for 6 years .. It used to not be like that but of course they never really say who they truly are in the beginning .. I have to sleep alone . he's always looking at other women .. Rapping about women's private parts in front of my face .. He makes fun of me .. Saying I look like a dude when I want to feel comfortable I always have to wear makeup . I had to get rid of my dogs he doesn't want to marry me or have children . I feel like I get treated like a slut . just yesterday after intercourse .. He didn't give me a hug or a kiss nothing he's playing his video game and told me good job .. I cry most the time from feeling insecure depressed stressed all of the above emotions .. I don't know how to leave .. I always keep coming back I want this to be the time I finally walk away

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Chasity McDonald
March, 11 2018 at 6:28 am

He never apologizes for hurting my feelings . he always takes credit for when something g good happens in my life as if I didnt accomplish it myself . he tells me I'm worthless. I'm not responsible. I will always have nothing .. Calls me psycho a crazy bitch . he tells me I'm going to go to hell . that God font love me . that he's died 500 times . that he's the only man that could possibly love me .. One minute he loves me next he's being rude and disrespectful to me . he hides his phone he's very secretive . with everything . he expects me to cook and to clean and pretend to be his wife while he says so many bad things about me .. I think I've grown to hate him

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Liz Anderson
April, 24 2018 at 8:04 am

Leave now

November, 24 2017 at 1:34 am

I just found this website what if your abuser is a family member, I’ve taken both verbal and physical abuse for 36 years. Yesterday I blew up. I felt awesome at the time but then realize I didn’t want to become that person either. Now this abuser is starting to abuse my husband and children as well. What do I do? I’ve already moved away, but their still family and every time we see them it starts. :(

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

November, 24 2017 at 8:13 am

Hi April,
Thank you for your comment -- I am so glad you found us here at HealthyPlace. it's true that abuse from a family member can be especially hurtful and difficult to deal with, so you have my sympathy. I would suggest you try to move on from your "blow up" and forgive yourself for your entirely natural response to your family member's abuse. What this person is doing to you is dangerous, and he or she needs to be called out on it.
Next time you're together, sit this person down and explain that while you're sorry for the way you reacted, his or her behavior was absolutely unacceptable and you won't be standing for it any longer.
Yes, this person is family, but you still need to set boundaries -- especially when there are children involved. However painful it is, tell your abuser that unless he or she can change, you won't be able to spend time together anymore, that you're not willing to put yourself or your husband and children at risk. Suggest counseling, but don't take ownership of this person's problems: they're not yours to deal with.
If this person truly values your feelings, he or she will take action to try and repair the relationship by getting help. If not, there is nothing you can do but walk away and explain to the other members of your family that from now on, you and this abusive family member won't be able to attend the same events. It may be difficult, but any situation where you're in physical danger is not worth pursuing, family or not. Good luck.

November, 18 2017 at 7:56 pm

Another thing according to him I can't even do the dishes right. He will litteraly redo them or tell me not to because im too stupid to do them. Just tonight he asked me to cook but said nevermind you will mess that up too. I'm not sure why I'm dealing with this am I just used to it? He later says oh what i say when I'm mad doesn't count.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

November, 23 2017 at 12:52 am

One day, you will realize you deserve to be treated with love and respect. Abusive people don't miraculously change into decent humans. An abuse support group can help you gain strength and knowledge. You are not alone. So many women and men in relationships like yours. I was, too. I never realized I had a choice to stay or go. Whatever you choose is up to you. I do urge a support group and/or therapy. Much love.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

November, 25 2017 at 12:31 pm

Yea, what a cop-out. He sounds like he has a ton of issues. Hang in there, girl! If you're able to start working on a safe exit strategy, go for it! If you're not ready, that's okay too. Just remember you deserve to be valued and no one can define you.

November, 18 2017 at 7:51 pm

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 yrs. When we first met I was a nurse and in school to become an nursing aenethasis I had only 6 months before graduation and was diagnosed with Kidney Disease and then hit with fibromyalgia. He was ok with it at first but this is going onto the second year. I get called a stupid bitch, simple cunt, worthless, lazy, not a real woman, a pig, thst i need 2 scales to weigh on- i gained some weight this year due to meds, he can do much better, there are so many prettier women etc..i could go on forever. I'm not on disability tho my long term people have me applying but as of right now i have no income. He is the only income. I'm dealing with it the best I can snd i cane aross this site. Even if I can't do anything yet it feels good not to be judged. I was s very independent woman. I have no children because I was too focused on my career so having to depend on someone else especially this person is almost more than i can take

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

November, 25 2017 at 12:27 pm

Summer, I'm so sorry for your unfortunate circumstance! Wow, you really have your plate full considering everything you're going through. Those are terrible names to be called, no one needs to hear that kind of garbage, especially with what you've been coping with. I hope everything goes well with your application, that may be a real help. Your life doesn't have to stay this way and it sounds like you know this. Here are a couple articles I think may interest you: Verbal Abuse Coping Skills for When You Can't Just Leave, Reasons to Leave A Verbally Abusive Relationship, Ending Verbal Abuse, 5 Steps To Take.
I hope those are helpful! Also, I'm really glad you reached out, please do so anytime! Hang in there, Summer! Thanks, Emily

October, 15 2017 at 10:16 pm

My husband calls me names and blames anything he does on my attitude, apparently standing up for myself and our son means I have an attitude, I've opened up a secret account in my sons names and I'm working hard to save enough to leave as I have a home business, but it's taking awhile. He's hit me before and now since we had our son he threatens too. He grabs at my body one min then calls me names the next. I don't like him touching me nor do I think I love him at all anymore. I'm scared to leave but more scared to stay.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Hidden for safety
November, 6 2017 at 4:57 am

Are you ok Michelle?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

November, 6 2017 at 11:32 am

Michelle, I'm really impressed with your resilience, it can be so hard to stand up to someone abusive. I'm also impressed you're taking measures to develop a safe exit plan. How are you doing? I see you left this comment mid-October, I hope you and your son are well. Hang in there! You can do this! -Emily

October, 4 2017 at 8:29 am

After reading all this I'm literally crying because my husband does so many of these things. Im 21 and this is my first marriage, he's 45 and this is his 7th. I love him but like not an hour ago he told me go "get the f*&k out! Why don't you bail like you always Do! I f(*king hate you!" That's all I get.. I get called stupid, I get told how horrible and lazy I am. I get told how I'm all these horrible names and I make his life hard. When I cry he goes 'awwwwwww is your p%*sy hurt? Stop acting you don't have any feelings!" Then he says it's all my fault. Years before i met him i was severely beaten and raped, my husband tells me i need to go back to my rapist, he tells me my rapist needed to just finish the job. How if i try to get help my husband will either beat me or kill me... I don't know what to do...

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

October, 9 2017 at 11:30 am

:( i feel your pain i need to get out of my verbal and emtional relationship. Its starting to affect our 3 yr old son. Im currently pregnant with baby number 2 hes comming next month and im afraid i know hes not going to help me at all like he never helped with our 3 yr old... he called me a whore today just to say it because i told him im unhappy how he yells at me all the time. Sped down the road with our son in the car. Lord knows i want out.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Hidden for safety
November, 6 2017 at 5:00 am

That’s horrible sometimes I worry about having kids with my husband as he thinks I’m a b***h all the time but I’m not I just ask questions. Even to people just to clarifiy. It used to be if you don’t like my wife there’s something wrong with you. Now I am the one who gets the short end of the stick. I’m always in trouble and always at fault.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

November, 6 2017 at 11:45 am

Danielle, That's awful! I'm so sorry. I feel so sick that you're dealing with that while you're pregnant. Hang in there! And I know how scary it can be to weigh the options of leaving with the realization that you're signing up to be a single parent... it can be a very real reason to hold anyone back from leaving. I was a single mom of twin babies for 2 years, and although it had it's own set of challenges, I was the happiest I'd ever been and I found myself again, I learned to like and appreciate myself again. You and your babies deserve a happy life, a stable life, and to feel loved and treasured always. Again, I'm so sorry for your struggles. -Emily

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

May, 10 2020 at 1:45 am

I’m 23 my husband is 60. He can be so charming and sweet. He is attractive for his age. But he has called me a stupid b**** and has said he hates me. He has called me a prostitute, lesbian, stripper and all tours of things. I have sinned in my past. But I’m so hurt that he still holds things over my head. I really love and respect but it literally feels like my heart and chest are being cut when he says harsh things to me. Christ said husbands are to live your wives. Where is the love?

September, 2 2017 at 2:33 pm

My husband of 4 months, together for 5 years, constantly verbally abuses me, raises his hand at me like he will hit me. He calls me harsh words and berates me everyday. A part of me wants to leave but invested so long I don't have the strength to leave. We don't have any children and while I was trying to get pregnant, I am not actively trying now He will call me trash, tell me my nursing job is not good enough and he makes the real money. Says he wants me out of his house and that I don't deserve to live there. Says my mouth is the reason he hates me because I tell the truth and try not to accept what he says to me. I never say a word to him because I don't want to trigger him, i walk around on eggshells and here I am his doormat. I let him treat me like crap and beat me down to feeling worthless. I sometimes want to die and makes me feel everyone would be better off if I did. I'm so unhappy but cannot face the shame and embarrassment of leaving him. We don't have sex, he won't touch me, he won't say a kind word to me. I feel like I married the devil. I need help but don't know to get it.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

September, 11 2017 at 12:33 am

Hi Kelli,
Thank you for your comment, and well done for speaking out about what you're going through. My heart goes out to you because your situation sounds terribly familiar. There was a time when I thought I was pregnant by my abusive ex-partner, and now that I'm free of him I thank the universe every day that didn't happen. Since then, I became engaged to a wonderful, caring man and we had a child of our own. Even so, I find motherhood challenging at times, and without a supportive partner by my side I would have struggled even more. I know it is not my place to say, but please think twice before you bring a child into the world with this man. If he abuses you, there is a high chance he will abuse your children. Parenting is wonderful, but it really tests your patience and resolve. This can be dangerous for those who are used to being in control; babies and children are so unpredictable.
Please consider opening up to someone about your relationship. Whatever he makes you believe, the way he treats you is not OK. I know it feels shameful and embarrassing to admit what's been going on, but trust me: you're not the only one.
i would recommend talking to a trusted friend or family member and getting someone on your side to help you with the next step. You should also research some domestic violence helplines and organizations where you live and get in touch with one of those. It's also worth contacting a counsellor or therapist who is specially trained to help victims of domestic violence. Those are the first steps to take. I know it can feel overwhelming, but you can do it. It's not an easy journey, but it's definitely one worth making.
Good luck!

MB Ladi
August, 2 2017 at 6:24 pm

I just got called a f****ng idiot by my fiancé of 7 years in front of my 20 year old college kid home for three weeks. The house flooded due to her forgetting the water was running in the sink. Previously, her and I argued. He says it was my fault because we often argue and i should leave her alone; if I would've have left her alone she wouldn't have been frazzled and forgotten that the water was running in the sink. The house is a mess! He told her don't worry about it, but hasn't said much to me. I asked what I could do, but he basically implies not to worry about it. He's been a fiancé this long for a reason, right?! Lol! Finding humor even with a wounded heart.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

September, 11 2017 at 12:21 am

Hello MB Ladi,
Relationships are so challenging, and people can often say things in the moment that they don't really mean, or that they will later regret. Have you managed to talk to your fiancé about how his comment made you feel? I recommend you read my post, The Difference Between Arguments and Verbal Abuse, and watch out for other verbally abusive behavior.
Good luck! Emma x

July, 23 2017 at 5:12 pm

I have been with my husband for 10 years. He has cheated on me several times. He corners me and verbally attacks me. He acts like he is going to hit me. He tells me I front of our children that I am a f***ing bilplar B** ch and a horrible mother. He tells me he is the only one that works to give me the life I have. But if I get a job it has to be on his schedule. I feel hopeless I don't want to take my kids from him. But I can't take any more.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

September, 11 2017 at 12:17 am

Hello Anonymous,
I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. The situation you're in sounds like it could be dangerous. Consider calling one of the domestic violence helplines on our Help and Resources page -- these are people who can help you when you feel stuck and don't know where to turn. It may also be worth contacting a lawyer so you can plan for the financial implications of leaving your husband (if that's what you plan to do). Please continue to use this site for support and reach out to others when you can. Good luck to you.
Emma x

October, 16 2017 at 4:29 pm

My father is at the end stages of early onset Alzheimers and is only 63. I moved back in with my parents after 13 years because my father requires 24 care, and I promised him that he would not end up in a nursing home. So now I work from home and so does my mom so that we can take care of my father. My father is priority, but for three years now at least 2-3 times a week I get blamed for his Alzheimers by my mother. I get called everything but my name, and am told on a daily basis how sorry I am and that this world and her life would be better if I was gone. There is a lot of other things she says that I don't think are appropriate to even type. When she starts in on me I listen and keep my mouth shut and when I have had enough I will walk away or go sit outside and bring my dad with me. It seems like walking away makes it worse and when I agree with her about how sorry and pathetic I am it makes the situation worse. I have thought about just leaving and going my own way, but then I think of my dad and how selfish it would be for me to leave. These verbal attacks are the reason I left home in the first place and was almost the reason my dad divorced my mom. Faith and prayer has brought contentment to me and I can tell it's rubbing off on my dad as well, but the attacks still hurt. Its like if someone day after day keeps telling you that you are worthless and that your birth was the biggest mistake, sooner or later you start to wonder if it's true. I do get scared sometimes that she is just going to loose it all one day and hurt me or my dad, but that is just a "what if" at the moment. I know not everyone is religious but I always refer to the book of Romans chapter 12 verses 9-21, it helps me, maybe it can help someone who reads this comment. No matter what anyone does or says always be quick to forgive and love with an attitude of gratitude in any situation. All the abuse and hate in this world will never conquer love. God bless!

July, 23 2017 at 5:10 pm

I have been with my husband for 10 years. He has cheated on me several times. He corners me and verbally attacks me. He acts like he is going to hit me. He tells me I front of our children that I am a f***ing bilplar B** ch and a horrible mother. He tells me he is the only one that works to give me the life I have. But if I get a job it has to be on his schedule. I feel hopeless I don't want to take my kids from him. But I can't take any more.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

MB Ladi
August, 2 2017 at 6:17 pm

Misty - I'm being hypocritical, but plan your departure soon.

July, 20 2017 at 2:59 pm

My Husband and I have been together for almost 10 years now. We have beautiful children. He was the first man I had ever been with sexually. He calls me names and downgrades me constantly. I have been going through this for a very long time. I recently found out that he has been cheating on me as well. I kicked him out. He was only gone a week and I begged him to come back. So he did. He didnt do it for me tho he did it for our kids. I really just dont understand why I cant let him go. Why everything is just so hard for me. I finished high school and moved in with him right away. I'm about to be 28 years old and still have done absoulutly nothing with my life. When he left I felt like everything was my fault. I begged and pleaded for him to come back. I'm so stupid!! since he has came back NOTHING has gotten better. I have tried but nothing is ever good enough he has no remorse for what he has done and he is making my life really hard right now. He keeps calling me a stupid F****** C*** over and over. He lays in bed and plays games on his phone and he laughs like he has no worries. I dont know what to do anymore. I love him but more so I love the man he used to be. I dont know if he ever really loved me.

Leave a reply