Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do

April 29, 2012 Kellie Jo Holly

Abusive people, men and women, say and do similar things to control their victims. The delivery may vary in tone or type, but the effect is the same. Read this.

What does verbal abuse sound like? The tone and content vary from abuser to abuser, but the words affect the victim in similar ways. Victims hear horrible things from their abuser and they feel small, withdrawn, angry, helpless, sad, ashamed, and a hundred other horrible emotions - sometimes all at once.

At the beginning of my abusive relationship, I felt anger and stood up for myself leading to loud, circular verbal altercations that had no solutions. Later, after coming to believe that he was my hero, my savior, and my provider, I felt stupid and wanted to fix myself so he would love me. Much later, I turned away and left the house for a while which eventually led to increased physical violence and leaving forever.

Sometimes my abuser's words hurt when he jabs and attempts to provoke me on the phone. Mainly, the memory, the countless memories of the abusive things he's said to me rear up and try to convince me that his remembered voice is my own.

This list is only a partial list of the things verbal abusers say. It's not limited to my own abusive relationship. It takes into account what others report hearing, too.

Things Verbal Abusers Say:

  • "Why don't you get a job so you understand the real world? Oh, wait - I forgot - you can't get a job because you're a stupid sh!t.
  • "Quit your whining and crying. You have no reason to cry or complain! Your life is perfect because I made it that way!"
  • "Bitch" (and the countless other names I won't bother to list)
  • "I should have left you at the club with all the other whores."
  • "If you were more like my mother I could worship you."
  • "I hate it when you act so pitiful. Stop the waterworks and talk like a human being."
  • "I can't stand to look at you. You make me sick."
  • "You're such a great actress! You know how to get what you want, don't you?"
  • "I can't believe I have to come home to you every day. How did I get involved with such a train wreck?"
  • "I must be the first a$$hole to love you. You don't know how to please a man!"
  • "You're fat and miserable and you make me hate you."
  • "You always look like God stomped on your face."
  • "Why do you care what I want for dinner? My favorites taste like crap when you make them anyway."
  • "You used to be as beautiful as my ex, but geesh - time hasn't been good to you, baby!"
  • "Those children are mine, will always be mine, and if you leave you'll never see them again."

Things Verbal Abusers Do:

  • Deny they said anything similar to the list above.
  • Defend what they've said.
  • Analyze what they've said out loud, explaining that the words they used do not have the definitions you seem to think they do.
  • Block you in a room so you can't leave and thereby avoid what they're saying.
  • Talk horribly to the television but are really speaking to you.
  • Flip open their knife to open a piece of gum while looking at you under knitted brows.
  • Leave to do something else at the last minute when you had plans together.
  • Take you out for your best birthday ever and then wind up berating you on the way home for not appreciating their efforts enough.
  • Tell your children you need more happy pills to be a good mom.
  • Change the topic of the conversation so you bounce from one place to another, never getting to the core of the issue.
  • Accuse you of being a whore or a dummy or a _________ so often that they no longer need to say the words but can offer up a "look" and you know what they're saying (then they may deny it).

Okay. I have to stop. My stomach is literally upset right now after digesting the utter contempt and hatred some people spew on a daily basis.

If you're still living in this nonsense, learn about detachment and how it can benefit you. Maybe in time you'll choose to leave your abuser, and maybe you'll choose to stay. No one here will judge you for staying (I've been there and it can feel hopeless!), but please work on ways to make yourself feel better in the process.

Start here:

You can also find Kellie on her website at Verbal Abuse Journals and can buy her books from Amazon.

*Both women and men could be abusers or victims, so do not take my pronoun choices as an implication that one gender abuses and the other is victimized.

APA Reference
Jo, K. (2012, April 29). Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, July 13 from

Author: Kellie Jo Holly

Male: Mark
April, 23 2013 at 2:17 pm

Being male, it is hard to see that you are the one being abused. Men are easily tagged as an aggressor, domineering, a narcissist or misogynist. I have been married for 24 years and simply believed my wife's on-going analysis of me, especially now that our two teenage kids parrot her diatribes-- it was just like a religion -- Dad is not making money like other providers (then comparisons to other Dad's in the subdivision or what other women at her job say -- Their husbands ______ (fill in the blank with how better their wives & kids have it - which is why their kids have it better than ours and an answer to our kids for why they are deprived of something financially). The kind of abuse I have been under is not easy made explicit-- It isn't a word like "bitch," rather an on-going character critique & assassination through comparisons & moralizing. I am diagnosed with Complex Trauma, Depression & ADHD (recently, realized that I have a severe executive processing dysfunction). If that's not enough, I am also an alcoholic (been recovering- going on my 10th yr of sobriety). So it's complicated, She & the kids are giving themselves the reason for why we don't have it as good as others around us-- because of me being "mentally ill" or "can't hold a job" or "If someone really loved his family, that person would change." Change is then reiterated in terms of what I should be. After years of hearing that "Everyone agrees that They don't know how I've stayed with you...Nobody would be able to live with you unless they where __________ (fill in the blank with my past (they grew tired of me staying in the marital tension) friends who are criticized as "low-life." Seeing how the only place I find some peace and acceptance is in a support group, she says, "Those people don't really know you and their mostly losers...). It is much more pervasive and subtle than the snippet explained here. As a guy, the one of the most difficult is the lack of any sex or sensuality. So after 24 years, now I see that believing it's all my fault because I don't make enough money or not like the other better guys is abusive. I tried marital counseling, But when the therapist hit on resentment & forgiveness, she refused to go back. Due to her professional success, she despises therapists, thinks Al-anon is for pathetic people. Just to add another issue: She will quote biblical passages that put me in an implied or intimated category of not being the man...

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

March, 16 2024 at 4:50 am

Hope your left her, very toxic for you. Hope you are ok and be proud bro

April, 3 2013 at 9:55 pm

Kellie, I left an abusive relationship 2 years ago. I have been reading your blogs for about 6 months now and just wanted to let you know that what you write and have written has helped me through some of the tough times and helped me to understand things that I could never work out. Thank you.

April, 2 2013 at 2:22 am

You must remember. Attorney's only do what you asked them to do, they don't strategize, or really care what is fair, just, or to protect you, they don't realize if they are not "aggressive" you are toast, no matter what.
When you have been kept in the dark about hubands investments, pay, and all how do you KNOW what you can ask for or how to bargin, or how to protect yourself. I considered myself pretty smart, I tried to find out. The places where husband worked police/military aren't very cooperative. They see you as the enemy. It is "mob mentality" against the wife. They protect the employee, it is a brotherhood. I am out more than I can ever hope to pay back just getting a temp order. Husband is in contempt over and over...give them MORE money. All credit. Can't find or keep a job and take care of home and raise young daughter AND run after husband and be told by attorney, keep kissing his and ex's a and just be a "good girl"...while you go deeper and deeper into despair, and frantically try to run faster than an old woman can (me 58, now). I am so bitter, resentful and does this happen? I got an attorney and now I have to keep THEM happy too, and watch the abusive liar manipulate all this to his favor too. It is too much. Oh, he wants his guns, WHAT? Give him his guns too. For real? No wonder this is a problem in our society.

April, 2 2013 at 2:09 am

I almost envy those that are physically abused, at least they are believed, their children are on their side.....then I was hit, funny I am still not believed. Why didn't I call the police? HE IS the police, who do you think they would believe? Now both get arrested no matter who has the marks, they would NOT have believed me, so I didn't call. I locked HIM out, held seige for days, guess what, he is old, guess who they will believe? the Ex cop or the young "golddigger"...No win, my OWN attorney collaborates with him and his version, conned him too. He has everything he wanted, me serving him, and my attorney helps him do this..Why still fearful, I wanted to seperate solve finance them money adults....look where that got me holding the bag for everything including all our debts and responsibilities. He lives scot free in an apartment and I have to pay HIS bills too, out of what I fought to get for my daughters security, the home, some money. I get no child support, no alimony, just all the responsibility in temp orders. He "allows" the check to come here, like a court order didn't, and MY attorney says I got it so good so give him money for HIS husbands expenses.
Husband lies, says he will settle debts, but won't...seperated a year and I am worse off, and taking care of husband who lives the life of riley and has NO worries. Otherwise, I guess I will get nothing after thirty five years of 'support" and home front duty. how did that happen?

April, 2 2013 at 1:56 am

He has most of our children, who he ignored when small, only noticed them when old enough to use against me, his sister everyone we know, hating ME, cause "he was so good to me", that is how it "looked" he took credit for all I did, was a workalcoholic, alcoholic (closet binger) and utterly neglectful of me and his children. Abused us all with negative behavior, lies and triangulation..secrets and chaos making, finally turned most of the girls against me (never diciplined always the good guy, manipulative and cruel.....they KNOW some of what he is but he has messed with their perceptions, and sadly standing up for me and them made ME look abusive, as he was so helpless, sick and kind hearted. Yep, so kind that what he did privately was only known by me and him and he keeps it up, through out this divorice. sick sick and more sick these people are mental, cruel, sneaky and just full of evil intent. no one sees them for what they are, and unless you wear a wire, or go with a witness constantly they have you imprisioned, even by your own attorney. We it not for my daughter who needs me still, I would have left, disappeared and never looked back, I sure wouldn't be where HE could find me and work his evil to make me his property doing what HE wants and getting nothing but the blame for the trouble.

April, 2 2013 at 1:37 am

Oh, the vindictive people user insisted we had as our wedding day, 2,2 exactly one year to the day of his final divorice from wife one and two, never knew my wedding date was his divorice date. What a shit, no woman wants to share that date, certainly not that way. I honestly NEVER knew, tarnishes ANY good I thought there might have been, made me guilty of something I didn't even know. sick from the beginning. Why would I have thought of that? Only in looking at vital statistics did I find out, within the last cruel to me wife three and her wife one and two. Made me sick to my stomach......just to think that others assummed I knew this and participated in such sickness. I was only 23, so young and naive and trusting. Want kind of NORMAL person does such a dirty trick?

April, 2 2013 at 1:30 am

I often questioned myself. Like most people I like to be liked. I loved my children beyond measure. I lived my life, hoping one day to be a stay at home mom. I met a man at my workplace, who was "perfect", or so it seemed. My neighbor in the apts I lived as a single woman was killed by her husband. I found the body after he came upstairs and told me she was sick. She had always told me if she was found dead Dennis did it, clearly he had killed her. It took the PD weeks to even arrest him. My husband to be and I worked at a major police department. He met me for lunch on the day I had to testify in this murder trail. We started dating after this trail, tired of being hit on by married men, I made him show me his divorice decree. He said he had been divoriced 5 years. I mostly looked for a decree with his name on it. 35 years later and much verbal and economic abuse,,,after a horrible seperation (my insistance) I find he lied. He had barely been divoriced a year when we married, guess on what day same exact day as his divorice was final. He had married and divoriced the same woman twice, five years together, five years divoriced, remarried, and divoriced less than a year, which meant he was dating others while still married to her, he was officially divoriced when we met, be not for the five years he told me, barely one. He lied from the beginning, probably went back to this woman frequently during our marriage though he denied it. His family and everyone always treated me like a mistress, now I know why...liar from the start, what a shock it was to find this out 35 years later. Trouble is doubt anyone would believe I never knew.......he probably showed me the firs decree, but then I was looking for names not dates....he was ten years older. Classic abuser, but no one believes anything I say. I am broken and will never be free. currently I am forced by the court to give HIM money, though I haven't worked in 35 years, but off and on, he forces me to pay his bills, the court didn't order me to, and my attorney says pay him...I don't know why except he has made it look like he is being good to me, when he has barely left enough money to support me and daughter, and our huge debts and expenses. Many of these are in my name as he insisted I used credit cards in my name for major better insulate HIS pension from use...He took major money for his expenses when we seperated......he hit me I locked him one cares what they do EVER you are just "stupid", there is no freedom ever. Even with seperation or divorice. violence against women doesnt help or they are so overloaded, all they do is tell you get an attorney, only the worst cases of physical abuse are even welcome, and they usually end up dead pdq, after leaving. The rest of us just sol. good luck, it is not great leaving and you have to deal with them the rest of your life, that is why I waited till kids grown, funny he still has my kids convinced I am the problem her. Life is shit, my sister's similiar story, her son (not by her abuser) won't even speak to her now, her abuser won, she can't see her only grandchildren, my girls treat me like the plague.......this is a sick way to live. Never marry, cannot know what you have gotten into till it is too late to EVER get out. Had to do it over, (I didn't want to marry so soon but he had me convinced he would lose his job if we didn't, lied about that too) I would never ever ever marry. sad life for sure, alone, and broke in old age with ex still having me on the hook though seperated. One teen child, and me put all eggs into a losing basket, can't run, hide, or escape the control and humilation, or sad of watching a "good life" fall apart when I said enough. You may escape physical death, but you will be dead and all you love taken from you. Hard to rise up again.when old.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

bjbirdie Renken
May, 31 2023 at 3:21 pm

Dear Sister we are but one in the same, my husband 9 years my senior, I'm his 5th wife and he is my first husband it's been 23 years of what you speak and when I thought help came it was CPS to take them away and then I was charged with neglect for failing to remove them from a violental environment. There is never a win win always a loss because they are sneaker, and deceitful beyond a normal person's capabilities and victims just keep getting victimized from the man and from the very programs that are to be a safe haven are just traps to make a broken person jump through hoops on broken legs and Spirit. I'm sorry & I understand your struggles... wish I didn't. Peace be with you Sister. ✌️😑

March, 29 2013 at 3:47 pm

The thing about me is that I really do get out if the relationship is abusive. I was just dating someone who seemed so sweet, but it seemed his ADD would make him misinterpret things and he would go off in a million directions. I gave him 3-4 chances and then told him never to contact me again after the last time. Under the heading you have there, "Things Verbal Abusers Do", when I got to #10, I said, "YES!!!" It was impossible to calmly discuss the issue because he would bring in things that had nothing to do with what the issue was, say that I said things that I didn't say, etc. It was like a verbal ping pong ball going all over the room. The passes I gave him initially were because I figured I hit a sensitive nerve each time. But the last time? NOOOO.......!!!! I did absolutely nothing wrong, was very nice and polite, and he just made things up that I did and said, criticized me about something that was none of his business, and was downright verbally abusive. Disappointing, but that was the end of that.

March, 19 2013 at 6:45 am

Perhaps your article is meant to be for women, but it's important to remember (and perhaps include?) the kinds of verbal abuse men encounter as well.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Holly
March, 21 2013 at 9:01 pm

Men encounter the same types of abuse, and the abuser attacks them in whatever way it will hurt them the most. For example, my ex called me a whore, told me I was a housewife and nothing more. The meaning of those words wouldn't hurt a man as they hurt me, so of course the wording is different when an abuser attacks a man. Why call a man a whore? It just doesn't have the same impact. Calling a man a "player" or a "gigalo" or "man-whore" or ???? There is no word that compares because "whore" is specific to females, meant to label females, and meant to be derogatory. I'm sure you can think of other examples like that.
Men are *stereotypically* bread-winners, protectors, and aggressive. Until an abuser knows how to push his specific buttons, they would probably call them "weak" or "sorry providers (?)" or "wimps" or tell them they're horrible lovers. The abuser would attack his manhood, the essence of what the victim considers the definition of a "man" to be. All abusers go for what HURTS the INDIVIDUAL the most, and that theme is the same no matter what the gender or sexual orientation of either the abuser or the abused.

March, 16 2013 at 1:52 am

When I read your article I knew that although a bit different the words meant the same. He never called me a whore Just things like negative, sexless, frigid, stupid couldn't look after myself without him you get the gist I'm sure. This went on for 30 years then before xmas we bought a block of land with a house on it, we do already have a house that we live in this has acreage for a deer farm never meant to be lived in. I took a friend out their and he was behaving very funny he said he was drinking lights later but I saw him drinking heavy beer. I thought he won't do say anything in front of her so it was ok. Well it wasn't he went into this rant abusing the hell out of me in front of her, we left. I was very angry and wouldn't talk to him when he came home. She was so upset she told her husband he was furious, he rang my son well xmas came we still weren't talking then it all blew up when his sister came up our son had a big blowup with his father. My friends husband also had a go at him on the phone about his behaviour and drinking, while his sister consoled him. He stayed at the new block for a month then told me I could have the house that was it go to centre link. So I went to see about benefits and found out I'd have to go on a disbality payment as I have a chronic illness. I told my husband who then decided he would look after me and pay the bills. We started talking and I went to visit him one day and stayed the night he said he was extremely hungover and barely spoke, the next day he said he was trying to teach my daughter a lesson for not talking to him. So I explained she was not happy with what had happened and she doesn't like your yelling when you drink. He exploded and told me that's why he was staying here so he could drink what he wanted and wouldn't have to yell at us and he doesn't give a rats...what we think about anything. I left once again. It's been 3mths and he has not come home for a night. Then he gave my daughter a rather large sum of money for her birthday thinking it would be fixed. He now comes over quite often has been very well behaved I know he wants to reconcile and I do miss him. He makes fleeting little remarks that I know he is trying but I would like to trust him but I can't. I also at the moment cannot become intimate with him because of all this. I feel he let me down so much while I was sick and made me feel so helpless. The problem is that this has worsened over the years from every so often to every 2nd month to everyday, He came from a very physically violent home and he feels he is different to his father as he doesn't hit me. His whole family just think drinking till you are incoherent or blackout is normal and so is aggressiveness. Heaven help me I still feel he isn't a lost cause. Can alcoholics change Or is it just a fantasy of mine?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Holly
March, 18 2013 at 7:52 am

Cynthia, yes, alcoholics can change. Yes, abusers can change. This doesn't mean that your abusive alcoholic will change. "Little fleeting remarks" of kindness may be all he can muster. Ever.
I think you should decide what your husband must do to prove he is changing. Words mean nothing - you must see absolute life changes before you can trust him. Things like attending AA meetings, finding a therapist (for himself, not a marriage counselor) and apologizing to you FOR REAL. Here's a hint: If an apology sounds like this, "I am so sorry for hurting you Cynthia, BUT..." It doesn't matter what follows the "but" because the "but" means an excuse for his behavior will follow. He must take responsibility for himself and his actions. The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change? by Patricia Evans is a great book for you to read. It will help you figure out what to look for when an abuser says they will change. Your library should have it.

March, 12 2013 at 2:27 am

I'm not sure if I am verbally/ emotionalally abused or having many pitty parties. I was caught cheating years ago..and I was always being accused for it anyway. I am very outgoing and my spouse is not. He has forgiven me but since then have done some things that he thinks are wrong. I lie to him about things I've done or who I talk to to avoid making him upset. There have been serveral timeswhen we have sex that he asks me why I'm so loose. He also always asks who I'm talking to EVERYTIME im on the phone. He has made negative comments about my body and sometimes tell me how hot I am. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a bibble and need to escape. I have expressed that to him and he is very good at manipulating my thoughts to make me feel like I am wrong. So much more...any advice?

March, 11 2013 at 3:54 pm

Sounds like you're more grinding an axe than actually helping people. You can't fix other people and it's pointless to try. The best thing you can do is fix yourself, and then you can be more empowered. Are you the victim, or the victor? You decide, don't let other people make choices for you. And this is geared towards women, which may be the case most of the time, but there are also many men who have overcome abuse and need to be related to when looking for help, or some encouraging words.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Holly
March, 14 2013 at 1:15 am

Kent, check my public facebook page at I often post links "just for men". However, I am a woman and I write from my own perspective AND most people who report and talk about domestic abuse are women. You, Kent, are a pioneer and I suspect as more men open up about the abuse in their lives, there will be more men to write from that perspective. What about you? You could start a blog and make a difference if you want.

lee purvis
March, 7 2013 at 5:16 pm

I mean no disrespect towards anyone.Are you people men or mices (women or wices). If you knew anything at all of my life you would think you were at Disneyland everyday. Only because that is the way you see it. The lady that is so upset at her husband for verbal abuse just suffers the other side of the same coin, you were abused as a child an so was he. Run away from each other as fast as possible and quit blamming everyone else. PLEASE GO TO CHURCH AND OPEN YOUR HEART (HONESTLY)TO GOD,PLEASE. That is the ONLY answer. Don't have hate, that will kill you faster than bad words. GOD BLESS !

March, 7 2013 at 5:11 pm

I was in an abusive relationship for approximately 2 1/2 years with my youngest child's "father". Everything started as any normal relationship does I suppose. We got along good and never had any sort of arguments. Then everything changed and he changed right before my eyes. It started with "jokes" in public about my appearance or personality. If I said something that was naive he would make sure he commented on it to embarass me but in the form of a joke. That behavior went on for quite awhile. When I mentioned it to him he told me that I was being too sensitive. For awhile I actually thought that could be the case so I let things go. Just ignored the comments you could say. Then came the sarcasm. I was never sure if he was trying to be humorous or hurtful. My self esteem started dropping drastically while these things were going on. I ended up getting pregnant and I remember him telling me to get an abortion. I stood up for myself and told him there was no way that was going to happen. We got into an argument one night and he grabbed me by both if my arms so hard he left black and blue marks. I remember trying to find clothing that would cover it up even though it was summertime. I thought the bruises had gone away and my mom saw them. Like many abused women I told her I hurt myself at work. Then, while still pregnant, he threw me down onto a bed. He was constantly looking at other women in front of me. He would tell me it was my problem and to just "deal with it." Then I had my daughter and man was she beautiful. He didnt stay in the hospital with us. He told me itvwasn't comfortable and he was going home to sleep. Once home he would constantly yell at me and get in my face with these crazy looking eyes. Most abused women will know what I mean. He has spit on me, choked me, pushed me, thrown me down, cut himself in front of me, threatened to call the police due to marks I put on him defending myself, threatened to take my daughter from me, threatened to call CPS on m, said he should've killed me, has broken my drivers door to my car, punched my rearview mirror breaking it while I was driving down the highway at 65 miles an hour WITH my daughter in the car. When I went to leave the first time he said he was buying shotgun shells and he was going to kill himself. That time was before the physical abuse. Alot of emotional abuse transpired as well. Every name in the book and things like "I look at other women cause you have no breasts", "I'm looking at other women to replace you because you aren't attractive to me anymore". He said that one while we were out with my daughter who was a few months old. I don't view him as a dad so I use "my daughter". When I left him I had my daughter in her stroller as I was bringing things out to put into the car. That way I could keep her with me at all times. He started throwing our things out of my car, including her car seat. His mother was there and totally confused so I told her I was leaving cause her son was abusive towards me. Of course he denied it. I continued pushing her in the stroller while gathering my things. He got in my car and claimed he was going with me cause he had things at my mom's house. I told him to "get the f out if my car". Once he got out I had both my daughter and myself locked in the car. He was trying to get in and slapping the windows and trying to open the doors. Once he realized he was locked out he stood behind my car. I got out to tell his mom to make him move. He ran up and pushed my drivers door so far forward he bent the hinges and I couldn't close it. His mother helped me close it and I left without the stroller. I now have a wonderful man who I am engaged to who has NEVER raised a hand to me or my daughter. It took some time but I found him. To all the women out there going through this......please leave! Don't wait hoping he will change. You or your children can afford to stay in that kind of environment. You know what else? You ARE beautiful. You ARE smart. You ARE special. It's not your fault so don't you EVER think it is! Leaving a relationship like this is scary but its sooo worth it. You deserve to be happy and never settle for less. Much love ladies. Stay true to you or no one else will. Leave and start getting back to you. Stop hurting and blaming yourself. They are not even close to being worth your time or energy. Take it from someone who knows.

March, 6 2013 at 9:11 am

This is great to see help out there!
But I'm a bloke and it say nothing that can help me!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Holly
March, 14 2013 at 12:21 am

Why not, Rik? You don't see the patterns of abuse in your relationship?

March, 6 2013 at 7:46 am

I feel so lost and battered lately. Five years ago I left a physically/mentally abusive relationship, and fell into the arms of one of my closest friends. At first, everything was great...he made me feel awesome and special. But there were little he'd flip out if I panicked about something or if he yelled and I cringed he'd get mad and say He's not my ex...don't treat him like he is. We have been engaged for 4 years, we live together, we have pets together and our finances are intertwined. Things get better for a while when I break down and fall apart and threaten to leave. He tries...but over time he falls into playing video games every night, ignoring household chores, and flipping out about my animals, or my spending, or my friends. He's always been a jokester, but lately he calls me things like "cunt" (I HATE that word and he knows it), then when I get upset he says "IT's just a have to be an adult and not let words get to you." Or he says "I just don't feel like sex anymore..with anyone" and will go days without even giving me a kiss or hug...but when I cry and tell him I feel lonely and unloved he says he doesn't want me to feel that way; he's sorry. He will be more careful what he says. My family hates him (he's made fun of my little brother and insulted them too), my friends don't want to do things with both of us (they don't like him either), but I love him. I feel like he doesn't mean to treat me badly; his mom physically and mentally abused him as a kid...I know he grew up not knowing love....
I feel torn..I have friends and family that keep telling me to get out; it won't get better. But I feel like I'll be letting him down if I leave. I'm physically sick and emotionally destroyed....

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Holly
March, 14 2013 at 12:23 am

You are "physically sick and emotionally destroyed"...and you're worried about letting him down? He's let you down. The relationship isn't what you signed up for. You have to take care of yourself first.

March, 3 2013 at 8:17 am

I have been in a physical, emotional, mental abuse marriage for years. My children are grown and I have left and came back several times. Such a cycle. Even got divorced and remarried after lots of counseling with our minister. About 3 years later its is all back again. Now have one home with a grandchild for a few months for personal reaaons. I need to get out and I know this, just very scary and need someone to talk to. Its so hard because a few weeks go by and its good then bam here it comes again. I have alot of bills and such and am afraid cant make it on my own. I have taken care of everybody so long and now dont know how to take care of mayself. Anyone else have this happen?

March, 2 2013 at 7:20 pm

I am so concerned for my daughter. Before she got married she was full of life, bubbly,TRULY HAPPY, and just no care in the world. Then she began pregnant and was over the top with excitement,her husband not so much!
Now 2 months after the baby is here, T is just a jerk. Your cheating on me, I can't trust you, why don't you get a job? Get off your lazy butt and doing something.
She is sooooo depressed!!! She just crys,not happy at all. I encourage her to get out but she doesn't want to break her family up. What do I do? I love her so much.

Maryjo Morrison
March, 1 2013 at 8:38 am

For Barney...Find a church where you can be surrounded by love and care...Good one's do exist, I am a living testament to that. Just as Women do, so also do Men need guidance and nurturing so don't recoil or isolate b/c you might be afraid someone won't think you've not been Man enough to take her on! God thinks your Man enough and he should be the only one your concerned with How he might think of you or perceive you...Run to Him...God loves you so much...Mj

February, 28 2013 at 7:37 am

In my case verbal abuse was a part of me since the age of five. I grew up around my mom and stepdad and witness it for a couple of years and than when she was upset she would act the same towards me. became a man at the age of 31 to understand life and what we have and then in minutes it lost because of immaturity and the way i reacted to a simple problem.both were mellow type of couple so we let anger built for years but there is always a breaking point.My ex had every right to feel like if i was cheating on her because of my past yet when my first daughter jasmsine came into our life.I look at her and told myself i wouldnt want nobody cheating on her so i made her a promise not to cheat on her mom but the scar were already there ex.This was at the age of 17...our fights were like 10 minutes a hurrican bad word eachother you name it got worst i started using drugs to ignor the problem she used verabl insult me and i kept kool until the drug was all addition made see the anger that i held in her...But then we would be happy it worked for 15 years..I modivated her to get her licence to go to school..But when i went to school she thought i was flirting with all the girls.I didnt attend graduation cause i didnt want to hear the nonsense.Yet when she graduate she went i felt she was neverous i found phone number of guy and i was upset were i looked like the idoit fighting infront of her family.So i started calling her names now i realize and i feel bad because she was always really on my side we always help one another apart from the negative.. i think as a couple we need to listen and understand one another we live in a world where there no time for that..So i got in trouble with the law went to prison at the 33 first time and my only freind cause i was a family man was drifting aways and that when i made inventory of my flawsto realize i was wrong and thing with my heart not with my brain..and karma is real and its not funny at age 35 i got with this girl within a week of being together verbaly insulted me i was like last 3 months she got pregenat with shyala my lil girl..jan 2013 i get call social service that shyala mom shook her and she rushed her to the ememergince room her excuse was shayla was cryen and they had a photoshoot and she was stress out...i am just finding that she has always been a escort and her mom and sister..she told my family i gave her a std....I havent called her name but i told this not the life i want so i walked away when she told me she was pregnat but i been there bought the baby and its alway been a fight so i stayed aways i thought i was the problem so if i stayed aways maria would be stressed out and take out on the baby,iam finding out she lives the baby with stanger. now i now my ex didnt deserve me calling her names over something that she wasnt i stay aways from shyala mom i went to seek for help from differnce resource and it suck i got to wait till court date now i find out she named shyala as her ex boyfreind initials...verbal abuse is not ok but as a human you could only take so much and words scar and never heal but if you have communication any thing can be done cause it take two to start a fight and take a real man or man to walk away from it and not judge the other person that comes along to be the same every one deserve the benifit of the doubt..a quick view of my own personal life

February, 27 2013 at 10:31 am

I can't assess my situation and would like to read comments. I started smoking 2 1/2 years ago after several years of stress (fighting for his kids from a previous marriage). I also had undiagnosed situational depression. I never smoked in the past nor has my husband. He won't touch me anymore and has said things like "Smokers are as close to scum as you can get." I get constant comments and dirty looks. I smoke about 4-6 cigs/day and do it outside. He said that I must think smoking is more important than my relationship. That is not true. I would never treat him like dirt if he started smoking.

February, 21 2013 at 12:22 pm

Thank you for this. Even though I am not in a verbal relationship my last one ended. I honestly thought it was because I had a panic attack and said some awful things I didn't mean. I cried and cried and apologized and agonized over it and felt horrible, but the guy wouldn't accept it. I thought I was a "verbal abuser." But I admitted I was wrong, apologized, and never denied any of it. On the flip side, he blamed the whole thing on me and wouldn't even take responsibility for his part so maybe it's a good thing as that could have gotten very bad emotionally. I am so sorry for anyone that has gone through stuff like this. I had a friend that had a verbally abusive husband which later turned into physical abuse.

February, 19 2013 at 5:40 pm

My heart goes out when I hear these storys.I was abuse from my father always hitting me, would tell me I came out like my mother.She had an affair with his brother. Always blame me.His parents help raise my sister and I was 5 years old when they got divorse.I had so much shame growing up at 17 i hooked up with a older guy who worked and would take me out later got pregnet and he started abusing me.We were together for 8 years.One day while he went to work after having two children ages 5 and 3 i desided to plan to leave him before he kill me or I would kill him. Then months later I met another guy which didnt hit me but had a drinking problem but loved and care for my children and that was the only reason I got close to him. Well he cheated and spend all his money at the bars and on whores.But later he promise he was going to change we started going to church and got married.Well that lasts only a year but again another relationship.I kept going to church and I ask Jesus Christ into my heart and would get stronger. So last straw was when after being married he stayed out all night and I saw a hicky on his neck I ran into the kitchen and grabed a knife to kill him.He ran out the door after that I desided I needed to stay alone for awhile to heal from all my broken hearts.I got strong worked and raised my sons.But I do have to say to everyone who stays it will effect your childrens.My sons have anger problems and the oldest always blames me.For everything that goes wrong in his life. I am now married again to a man who dont drink or cheat loves me but I view him has a weak man never sticks up for him self and i find my self being the abuser now which I hate but working on it with Gods help.Life is strange but I promise my self no man would abuse me ever again.God bless

February, 19 2013 at 8:12 am

me and my boyfriend have been together for 3years there is an 11year age difference between us he is 30 and im 19.
It all started when i left home 3 months after being found out we are seeing each other from my mother i then had a choice him or my family i chose him , we then stays in a flat on the top floor that was over 100 years old it was cold and gloomy he always worked and i stayed at home with no family just him, we then started arguing over silly things and with my emotions being all over the place it didn't help , i started to get depression and anxiety all i wanted to do was lock myself away and never go out i have a dog as well and because of her she was the only reason i would get out of bed each day so i could walk her , feed her etc...
so we lived in this flat for 6 months arguing constantly and me keeping my secret of having depression on the 6month of living there one night he was working and i just broke down i wanted to kill myself police came my bf had me down to the ground so i could not move i had been secretly self harming , my bf had to get into contact with my family to let them know and my gran and mother come running in the house with a neighbour i had to go see help etc..
they then got me put into a new flat where i felt so much happier and my head was alot lighter but after maybe a month our arguments slowly started to happing and they have now increased alot , he doesn't realise and provokes me and i tell him to walk away or leave the room and i can calm down and breathe but he doesn't he keeps going threatening to call my family or saying i need help etc... i then reply back to defend myself and it gets more heated we swear , scream and shout at each other and a good few times he has got in my face and calling me names or grabs my ankles and knows i dont like it so i would hit him but to defend myself to break free from him now its gotten to the point where it will end up in things getting chucked across the room or me thinking about death and trying to kill myself , i just dont know what to do anymore.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Holly
February, 20 2013 at 3:43 am

It sounds like you do need to seek professional help to figure some things out. I don't mean to imply your relationship problems are your fault! I am encouraging you to seek therapy so you can get a handle on what is happening in your life and to treat the possible depression you experience. Can you go back to your family? It would be great if you could start to sort things out in a more supportive environment far away from your boyfriend. Your boyfriend does not care that saying "you need help" in a derogatory way DOES NOT help you at all. I hope you find a healthier environment sooner rather than later.

alejandra n
February, 16 2013 at 6:28 pm

i really need some advice on my relationship with my husband can you please tell where I get help?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Holly
February, 19 2013 at 10:09 am

Go to The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a valuable resource in and of itself BUT they can also tell you where to find local help. It sounds like you need to talk and the volunteers at the hotline are great listeners!

Nancy Fox
February, 12 2013 at 1:44 pm

I want to know how to fix me. I have never had a man treat me good. I've been beat, tormented and verbally attacked my whole adult life. I AM NOW 48.
The latest tells me what's funny is to take my clothes off and look in the mirror. He calls my psycho bitch, cunt, whore , stupid just to name a few. He cheats, stands me up and has never bought me a gift. He doesn't pay my bills. I know I shouldn't be with him, but I don't know why I stay. I know he is bad. I want to be happy

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Karen Lorentzson
September, 5 2022 at 10:35 am

You deserve to be happy and healthy please he will not change! I have been going through same with a renter! I am a senior and he is a very abusive male who breaks stuff and when drinking steals. Please leave him and meet someone who has the same values and really knows what love is about! This is a reply to a old post hope you have done this and have good life now!

February, 11 2013 at 10:26 am

Iam very confused about my relationship me and my partner have been together for 7yrs now I have been with him since I was 16 Iam now 23 and have two children with him I know that when we first got together it was amazing I was so in love with him I'm not the prettiest girl so I used to be so grateful I had a bf that was so nice to me and loved me so much there were times when I would look at him while he was sleeping and just cry because I was so happy to have him months went pass and he started to say really mean things and make me think he didn't love me anymore he would tell me I don't think I can be with someone so obsessive your to full on then a few months went by we would argue and he would always kick me out of his house and watch me from the window as it rained outside calling me the most horrible names. I used to feel so helpless I started to cheat I was seeing this other guy and tried to break up with my x but he came to the guys house and smashed my car and put me on show I front of him i know I have ruined this relationship by cheating but the guy I was seeing made me feel like a princess and I was so young I didn't know any better yrs went by and our relationship turned to shit he was always looking up Internet girls and porn cheating and lies was all our relationship was built on at 19 yrs old I feel pregnant to him I was undecided on wether to have the baby because he was also very hooked on pot and talked shit and never took anything serious but he promised me he would change I was going to change for him to I had all my goals and plans set out we moved into a unit together and tried to change our lives but he just wouldn't stop with the abuse calling me names 24/7 telling me I was a fat bush pig even tho I was pregnant I put up with it hoping he was going to change when the baby came but things only ended up getting worse he was hiding a phone that I got of my mom and I just went missing one day I always thought I left it in the car and it got stolen and he everyday he was saying
To me oh next door stole our phone and he took my car too work one day and there it was sitting under the seat I was so angry it all made sense of why he was abusing me so much I rang my landlord and told him I was moving the. He said we both have to move then we were pretty much split up and I was a single mom that was lost one of he's friends that I had never liked started to see what he was doing to me he then became so nice to me and when my x would abuse me he would tell me that I'm not what he says and we became really close he would treat my son so good I ended up falling for him and we were seeing each other for a while anyways my x found out and because it was he's mate things got even worse my x wanted me back so we got back together I have had another kid to him and everyday I get abused over small things he constantly brings up me cheating but has forgotten what he has done to me everyday he calls me a big nose fat bitch tells me things like he hates sleeping with me because he watched me have two kids and it grossed him out he tells me things like rooting chicks in brothels have tighter vaginas then mine says he hates looking at my body because I have scars all over my stomach and that makes him sick He tells me I'm a piece of shit of a mother I need to kill myself and the thing is when we got back together we agreed no more cheating and no more abuse I have stuck to my promise but I still get abused everyday when I say to him there's no need to call me names he brings up the past and says its my fault I have to watch what I say to him like yesterday I spoke up for myself and all I said was what's taking you so long hurry the F up and he got across the road and started to yell shut up ya fat slut you knew we had to come over here ya fukn bird beek talking about my nose I have finally had enough my daughter used to walk around saying fat bitch mommy fat bitch she's 2 and my son at 3 calls me big nose every day I want to kill myself I have even wet myself in the corner crying my eyes out and my partner comes over the top of me tips water in my hair spits on me and tells me to stop whippering he has hit me pushed me and even tells my kids when I go in the room and cry ohh don't worry kids your mothers doesn't give a shit about yous and then wallks around muttering to himself ya can't even attend to your own children ... My mother not long ago was raped and he says things like suck shit ya mom got rapped that's what need ps to happen to you I'm so scarred from all this but I can't help to think is it my fault even tho I kno now because I have tried so hard and the abuse doesn't stop I try to do everything for him and just get shat on I'm. Not aloud out I have no freinds left I just want to kill myself

February, 10 2013 at 8:25 pm

My mom calls me a stupid whore and bitch and you mother fuck ans pushes me around and threats me that she will call the cops on me and lots of other thing I have thout about killing my self 43 times 19 times I've almost did. She doesn't even remember my birthday. Plus when she messes up I get blamed for it and punished for it.then she says if I don't shut the f-up she is going to choke me out. Then gets my uncle and my uncle comes in my room and beats me. This is all because I tryed to stand up for my self against my mom. Then I go under my blankets and cry my self to sleep. Then my uncle tells me to shut my fucking mouth before he goes in there and shuts my mouth for me. I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I was born with with ADHD,ODC,ODD,I'm otistic or how ever you spell that. Yeah I suck at spelling. Plus a belly

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Holly
February, 12 2013 at 9:44 am

Do you attend school? Or go to church? Please tell someone what is going on at home. You need some help, Tanika. It isn't your fault what they're doing to you.
Remember that you can always call the police. You can reach them via 911, and if it isn't an emergency they will direct you to the correct place to call.

February, 4 2013 at 3:40 am

Hello, I had move to west coast from east coast, with only knowing my boyfriend and this were great for a couple months. then he started calling me names and saying i was lying. my mom is very sick with a stroke back east so me and my daughter packed up to spend time with her. granted i was only to be theit 3 months but turned into 6. anyway he rushed me back. my son was still on the east coast with his dad so i had brought hum back with me. things have got bad, he always picks and bullys my daughter, calls her names, she 11 and going through the changes soon, calls her baby and even said shes a peice of shit. my son 17 and he calls him lazy and a fag, which hes not neither. anything you ask my kids to do,they do. i am called a bitch, trash, no good, free loader, but i work. good for nothing, whore,he says he feels like stabbing me,i need to go, get out, go away, we dont even have sex you are like a dead fish, well ofcourse be called all this and treat my kids like crap to, how do you expect me to be. i cook,clean and my job is to take care of his mom and i do that 24-7 with no help from him. its sad.i drove my car from east to west and he only gave me money to sleep in a hotel 1 night, so i drove and it took me 2 and a half days, with two kids. i drove my car into the ground and its been sitting since aug of 2012, he will not help me get it fixed, his broke and got it fixed the next day. he brings almost 3000 hime every month, compared to my 1000 and askes me for money. whats with that, i dont mind helping but i cant respect someone who talks like that to me or my kids. when i talk to my friends, i get who you talking to. i have no friends here. im told to bow to him, he says its a joke though. i dont even have no one here to talk to. i have no where to go. in need of a frined to talk to. please email me at

February, 1 2013 at 6:58 pm

I went down hard with a brain tumor in November of 2011, and have since had a hard time coming to terms with being brain injured. I have very little memory because of the damage that was done in the surgery and because of the hydrocephalus that I developed because of the tumor. My husband has since decided that it's fun to make fun of me for being brain damaged. He has publicly poked fun at me because of my memory issues. He denies that this is mean when someone says something to him about it. He has gone so far as to tell me that as hard as my recovery is for me, it's twice as hard on him, because I'm not able to work the way I used to. Would this behavior count as abusive?? He says it is not when my daughter tells him off for it, but other people seem to be really offended and uncomfortable when he is saying these things. I just don't know...I do know that before I got sick, I would never have put up with being treated this way.

January, 31 2013 at 5:38 pm

kmr, get to your local hospital there are couselors that deal with domestic abuse and there is a domestic abuse hotline somewhere you can call. I don't know where you live but starting with counseling is a good idea. Hospitals should take you even if you don't have insurance, by sliding scale and if you have no money, try your department of transitional assistance to apply for temporary money, they are run by the state, tell them your situation too, maybe they can help you. You can get food stamps too, and stay away from married men, and just stay away from men for a while if you can, no one deserves to be insulted . You did not deserve the treatment you got. Good luck

January, 27 2013 at 7:41 am

My husband was continually abused verbally by his mom growing up. He is still reeling from it, and since she still does it on occasion which I have witnessed. She even does it when she is speaking to me some times when he isn't around. I have been looking everywhere for a book that we can read so that he can get a grip on his feelings regarding this issue and so we can work it out together, but so far all I have come across is books on men abusing wives. Does anyone know of anything that exists that could be of some help to him/us? Thank you.

January, 9 2013 at 9:01 am

since my teen years I've dated and married men that wanted to take care of me, would not let me pursue employment. if I did get work I would be accused of things, and my earnings taken, forcefully, than they would yell what a worthless whore I was. skank etc.(I learned to hate myself the way they did) I dedicated my life to husband, every waking moment to his wants and needs. while mine left ignored. now I am 46yrs old abandoned in 09... still have needs, medical (lupus & cancer), dental, accused of many ugly things. no support. I have no vehicle, or career, do not recognize the computerized world I been thrown into and have no clue how I will survive. me or my child who is eleven and may have talent I could not explore in his younger years. husband wouldn't allow it. i was told that this is how it's always been for women when husbands deny them, the women become whores and that is my destiny so accept it. truthfully, I would make a terrible whore, I hate sex (I am bad at it)and traumatized by people, rejected and not taken seriously, beaten, raped, there is more. I isolate. is there anything to help overcome? Turn this around to a successful end? New beginning for child and I as success for leaving him? I left everything except my child. Child is counting on me and prayers being answered to help his mom help us... He prays someone has a truck or car to release it to mom, and someone willing to train mom on a job will pay the bills and not need any help from another man financially so mom don't have to give away the money for a black eye or broken nose again. no more cleaning up blood. and a peaceful, enjoyable life in these last years with mom my child so much. also be surrounded by a few good people in life, not haters

January, 1 2013 at 5:35 am

am i in an abusive relationship. my partner calls me a slag and a slut constantly throws my past in my face. i walk on an egg shell if its not what he wants to hear he has a go or puts the phone down on me. he calls my kids spoilt brats and does nowt but snap and snarl at them. he doesnt help around the house and wined i got a job i did and now am stupid for gettin one! hes now telling me am abusive cos i try amd stand my ground when he has a go. i used to cry when he had a go and call me names now i silently cry other wise he just says turn the water works off he constanly threatnss to leave and at pay day threatnes to gake all the wages so i cant pay the bills. my kids used to fink the world of him my youngest now tels him to pack his bags
to add to the above he tells me he doesnt sleep with me cos he cant stand me but then nights later hes over me like a rash. i call him fat cunt when he has a go and al he ever replies with is u need surgery the state a u i lost ten stone but now wish i hadnt.

December, 18 2012 at 9:20 am

I think I'm in a verbal abusive relationship when we started dating everything was the best thing ever but by time passed he started tellin me things like if I were talkiN to a guy friend is because I wanted to fuck him or I had already done it would bring me down in seconds an ill cry an hell tell why am I cryin theirs nothing to cry about if I'm gonna be loike just go home and cry somewhere else. We can't have a nice conversation without him tellin me something about me having sex with someone else I try everything soo that he can stop treating me the way he does I'm not gonna lie theirs days when he's the nicest an I remember wen we first started but that only last for a couple of hrs he checks my phone which I don't care cuz I'm not hiding anything but if I want to look at his he doesn't let me he get mads an tells me things an endups telling me to go home that I don't need to be lookin at he's phone he says he luvs me he took me to meet his family but he started telling me things that supposely I like his brother which I just had met an dat hurt soo he left me alone da whole time I was there with his family an I have a really hard time hiding my feeling an cry real easily but he doesn't care he will say that I started I luv him but I don't know wuyt to do his mom tells me that he does luv me an dat he's stupid but still it hurts that he treats me like shit an dat he brakes up with me for wutever reason help me please

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Holly
December, 18 2012 at 9:45 am

The only cure is to remove him from your life. Let him go. No one can make him change, but if you leave and he wants you back, he may go into treatment and change his ways. FYI - he'll be one of the few abusers who do.
I'm sorry that I can't help you any further. Read the blog and get an idea of what you're facing. Abuse is no joke and there is no easy cure. There is NO CURE you (victim of abuse) can impose on him.

December, 17 2012 at 11:49 am

I would like to let everyone know that there has been someone that has caused me emotional agony these past few days "Example" messing with my car, not being able to take walks without guys looking at me weird, females and males looking at me and grinning at me when that happens bad things happen me or to my car. My kids saying things like I have been punished enough and other things like the such. I feel sometimes that my life and my health is in jeopardy everyday I wake up from bed. I hate feeling this way, not knowing what is going to happen to me. I feel that this is not a life for me. I feel that I am going to end up in the hospital in the mental section because of people being abusive. I say that it is "REALLY" sad that men cannot take a hint when they are not invited into my circle. I am not saying that every man wants me. No, just saying that desperate men are willing to kill me emotionally at any cost to get it their way. Someone told me that I am being paranoid and I am not. I know what I see and I know what people are doing to me. I hope the police catches whom ever is causing me emotional stress towards me. This person must be good in finding ways to provoke me and frighten me. He will never leave me alone I already know that.
I feel like this person will never leave me alone. I spoke to someone and this person told me that I was paranoid and that is not true. someone has tampered with my car and my kids say weird things to me like I heard something like ” I was punished enough” after finding out that someone had tampered with my car again! and I have emailed the police and still things have happened. Someone told me that I think that all men want me and that is not true. I know that all men don’t want me. I wonder how people can live with themselves doing things to me. I feel violated and really stressed out. I would be very happy to let the police know who has been harassing me. I have been told that it is my fault that I am being harassed and stalked by these men. I don’t need this aggravation in my life. Will they stop, who knows.
I never thought for one second that every man wanted me. But here comes someone that I thought that would be a nice person and says all these things like I am paranoid,I am not. I really don’t give a dam if a man looks at me or not. I could care less. I don’t care if they can offer me the moon and the stars, I don’t give a dam! frankly I have a brain that still works even if it is injured. But there will be serious consequences for them when they get caught. I don’t care if they laugh right now but they will legally get it. There are consequences to aggravated harassment that is a crime, and they will get theirs.

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