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Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do

April 29, 2012 Kellie Jo Holly

Abusive people, men and women, say and do similar things to control their victims. The delivery may vary in tone or type, but the effect is the same. Read this.

What does verbal abuse sound like? The tone and content varies from abuser to abuser, but the words effect the victim in similar ways. Victims hear horrible things from their abuser and they feel small, withdrawn, angry, helpless, sad, shame, and a hundred other horrible emotions - sometimes all at once.

In the beginning of my abusive relationship, I felt anger and stood up for myself which led to loud, circular verbal altercations that had no solutions. Later, after coming to believe that he was my hero, my savior and provider, I felt stupid and wanted to fix myself so he would love me. Much later, I turned away and left the house for awhile which eventually led to increased physical violence and leaving forever.

Sometimes my abuser's words hurt when he jabs and attempts to provoke on the phone. Mostly, the memory, the countless memories of the abusive things he's said to me rear up and try to convince me that his remembered voice is my own.

This list is only a partial list of the things verbal abusers say. It's not limited to my own abusive relationship. It takes into account what others report hearing, too.

Things Verbal Abusers Say:

  • "Why don't you get a job so you understand the real world? Oh, wait - I forgot - you can't get a job because you're a stupid sh!t.
  • "Quit your whining and crying. You have no reason to cry or complain! Your life is perfect because I made it that way!"
  • "Bitch" (and the countless other names I won't bother to list)
  • "I should have left you at the club with all the other whores."
  • "If you were more like my mother I could worship you."
  • "I hate it when you act so pitiful. Stop the waterworks and talk like a human being."
  • "I can't stand to look at you. You make me sick."
  • "You're such a great actress! You know how to get what you want, don't you?"
  • "I can't believe I have to come home to you every day. How did I get involved with such a train wreck?"
  • "I must be the first a$$hole to love you. You don't know how to please a man!"
  • "You're fat and miserable and you make me hate you."
  • "You always look like God stomped on your face."
  • "Why do you care what I want for dinner? My favorites taste like crap when you make them anyway."
  • "You used to be as beautiful as my ex, but geesh - time hasn't been good to you, baby!"
  • "Those children are mine, will always be mine, and if you leave you'll never see them again."

Things Verbal Abusers Do:

  • Deny they said anything similar to the list above.
  • Defend what they've said.
  • Analyze what they've said out loud, explaining that the words they used do not have the definitions you seem to think they do.
  • Block you in a room so you can't leave and thereby avoid what they're saying.
  • Talk horribly to the television but are really speaking to you.
  • Flip open their knife to open a piece of gum while looking at you under knitted brows.
  • Leave to do something else at the last minute when you had plans together.
  • Take you out for your best birthday ever and then wind up berating you on the way home for not appreciating their efforts enough.
  • Tell your children you need more happy pills to be a good mom.
  • Change the topic of the conversation so you bounce from one place to another, never getting to the core of the issue.
  • Accuse you of being a whore or a dummy or a _________ so often that they no longer need to say the words but can offer up a "look" and you know what they're saying (then they may deny it).

Abusive people, men and women, say and do similar things to control their victims. The delivery may vary in tone or type, but the effect is the same.Okay. I have to stop. My stomach is literally upset right now after digesting the utter contempt and hatred some people spew on a daily basis.

If you're still living in this nonsense, learn about detachment and how it can benefit you. Maybe in time you'll choose to leave your abuser, and maybe you'll choose to stay. No one here will judge you for staying (I've been there and it can feel hopeless!), but please work on ways to make yourself feel better in the process.

Start here:


You can also find Kellie on her website at Verbal Abuse Journals , and social media pages on Google+, Facebook and Twitter. Buy her books from Amazon.

*Both women and men could be abusers or victims, so do not take my pronoun choices as an implication that one gender abuses and the other is victimized.

APA Reference
Jo, K. (2012, April 29). Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2020, November 30 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2012/04/things-verbal-abusers-say-and-do



Author: Kellie Jo Holly

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Vicky
April, 12 2018 at 8:41 am

Brirtney... I don't know why some people do this. But not everyone does. And if you leave, it hurts, but you start to realize it's not normal, and you don't have to live with that shit. That's the point where I am now. Woke up this morning thinking about him and wondering if I could've done better and made it all work... and remembering being called a slut, fucking stupid, and actually the worst thing was that he'd say things hadn't happened-- "I never said that"-- and I started to think I was crazy. If you are smashing electronics, it's because your situation is so frustrating that that is a rational response. Having someone lie to your face, about something you KNOW is true, that he should know is true since *he said it to you*? Having someone cause you all kinds of anguish, but barely ever apologize, insist he's done nothing wrong, etc? Having someone embarrass you in public, put you down, and call you crazy? Yeah, I don't know why he's doing that, but if you ask me, your blood *SHOULD* be boiling!
I don't know much about your situation, what you need, what your options are... it sounds like you *haven't* let him cut you off from friends and family and you have people in your life who know you deserve better, so you've got that. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, just... you aren't crazy. Trust yourself. It's way harder than anyone else understands, looking in-- AND you can do this.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Ethyl
May, 5 2018 at 10:01 pm

Your young not married, if he is doing this now it only get worse. And it ruins you. My only saving grace was I had a good job, so the abuse was there but I tolerated it for 28 years then an accident and I lost my Job. After that the flood gates opened to the real hard core abuse. I got another better Kobe but the months of constant put downs took its toll. I'm still in the marrage but hopefully will end it soon. I'm just scared to start ver at 60 years old. That in itself breaks my heart. The point it get out before your in to deep. RUN!

Lynn
March, 29 2018 at 7:08 pm

Am I wrong to call the abuser moronic, evil or pathetic? He accuses me of being abusive because I’ve called him these words when he has been abusive. I’ve never used those words normally but those are true descriptions of people who are abusive. I was not even allowed to use he word stupid growing up so I know these are not words I would prefer to use but I cannot call abuse nice sweet and considerate. I’ve asked him what he would call a person who has treated someone so bad and he will not answer. He just expects an apology for using those words only when he has acted abusive. We are currently separated, thank goodness. I’ll gladly apologize if I am wrong.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

March, 31 2018 at 3:03 am

Hi Lynn,
Thank you for your comment. I think it's difficult to contain the anger and hurt we feel when someone abuses us, and I would never want to censor someone who was a victim. However, I think we have to be careful not to emulate the abuser's language in our own behavior, because isn't it always wrong to call someone pathetic or moronic? It's easy to pick up on and even copy the actions and words of someone who abuses us, so I don't think you're in the wrong per say. I just wonder if there's a better way for you to explain how you feel, such as getting to the root of WHY his behavior is hurtful.
Can you say instead, "Your behavior is inappropriate and you need to treat me with more respect?" or "When you say that, it makes me think you don't respect me."
I don't think there are any magic words that can change abusive behavior sadly, but I do think we have to be careful not to retaliate with yet more abuse. This creates a vicious cycle that's toxic for both parties. What do you think?

Lynn
March, 29 2018 at 7:00 pm

When I give adjectives to discribe the abusers......

Chasity McDonald
March, 11 2018 at 6:19 am

I get called a b**ch a prostitute a dumba** whore. A retard . I get called fat . I was told by him I'm not worth his investment. He always says he could hit me and in the blink of an eye I'd be dead cause of how strong he is. He humiliates me in public. He watches porno . he don't like me buying myself anything . he always tells me I owe him . he makes me feel like I'm the problem .. I've been with him for 6 years .. It used to not be like that but of course they never really say who they truly are in the beginning .. I have to sleep alone . he's always looking at other women .. Rapping about women's private parts in front of my face .. He makes fun of me .. Saying I look like a dude when I want to feel comfortable I always have to wear makeup . I had to get rid of my dogs he doesn't want to marry me or have children . I feel like I get treated like a slut . just yesterday after intercourse .. He didn't give me a hug or a kiss nothing he's playing his video game and told me good job .. I cry most the time from feeling insecure depressed stressed all of the above emotions .. I don't know how to leave .. I always keep coming back I want this to be the time I finally walk away

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Chasity McDonald
March, 11 2018 at 6:28 am

He never apologizes for hurting my feelings . he always takes credit for when something g good happens in my life as if I didnt accomplish it myself . he tells me I'm worthless. I'm not responsible. I will always have nothing .. Calls me psycho a crazy bitch . he tells me I'm going to go to hell . that God font love me . that he's died 500 times . that he's the only man that could possibly love me .. One minute he loves me next he's being rude and disrespectful to me . he hides his phone he's very secretive . with everything . he expects me to cook and to clean and pretend to be his wife while he says so many bad things about me .. I think I've grown to hate him

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Liz Anderson
April, 24 2018 at 8:04 am

Leave now

April
November, 24 2017 at 1:34 am

I just found this website what if your abuser is a family member, I’ve taken both verbal and physical abuse for 36 years. Yesterday I blew up. I felt awesome at the time but then realize I didn’t want to become that person either. Now this abuser is starting to abuse my husband and children as well. What do I do? I’ve already moved away, but their still family and every time we see them it starts. :(

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

November, 24 2017 at 8:13 am

Hi April,
Thank you for your comment -- I am so glad you found us here at HealthyPlace. it's true that abuse from a family member can be especially hurtful and difficult to deal with, so you have my sympathy. I would suggest you try to move on from your "blow up" and forgive yourself for your entirely natural response to your family member's abuse. What this person is doing to you is dangerous, and he or she needs to be called out on it.
Next time you're together, sit this person down and explain that while you're sorry for the way you reacted, his or her behavior was absolutely unacceptable and you won't be standing for it any longer.
Yes, this person is family, but you still need to set boundaries -- especially when there are children involved. However painful it is, tell your abuser that unless he or she can change, you won't be able to spend time together anymore, that you're not willing to put yourself or your husband and children at risk. Suggest counseling, but don't take ownership of this person's problems: they're not yours to deal with.
If this person truly values your feelings, he or she will take action to try and repair the relationship by getting help. If not, there is nothing you can do but walk away and explain to the other members of your family that from now on, you and this abusive family member won't be able to attend the same events. It may be difficult, but any situation where you're in physical danger is not worth pursuing, family or not. Good luck.

Summer
November, 18 2017 at 7:56 pm

Another thing according to him I can't even do the dishes right. He will litteraly redo them or tell me not to because im too stupid to do them. Just tonight he asked me to cook but said nevermind you will mess that up too. I'm not sure why I'm dealing with this am I just used to it? He later says oh what i say when I'm mad doesn't count.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Bliss
November, 23 2017 at 12:52 am

One day, you will realize you deserve to be treated with love and respect. Abusive people don't miraculously change into decent humans. An abuse support group can help you gain strength and knowledge. You are not alone. So many women and men in relationships like yours. I was, too. I never realized I had a choice to stay or go. Whatever you choose is up to you. I do urge a support group and/or therapy. Much love.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

November, 25 2017 at 12:31 pm

Yea, what a cop-out. He sounds like he has a ton of issues. Hang in there, girl! If you're able to start working on a safe exit strategy, go for it! If you're not ready, that's okay too. Just remember you deserve to be valued and no one can define you.

Summer
November, 18 2017 at 7:51 pm

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 yrs. When we first met I was a nurse and in school to become an nursing aenethasis I had only 6 months before graduation and was diagnosed with Kidney Disease and then hit with fibromyalgia. He was ok with it at first but this is going onto the second year. I get called a stupid bitch, simple cunt, worthless, lazy, not a real woman, a pig, thst i need 2 scales to weigh on- i gained some weight this year due to meds, he can do much better, there are so many prettier women etc..i could go on forever. I'm not on disability tho my long term people have me applying but as of right now i have no income. He is the only income. I'm dealing with it the best I can snd i cane aross this site. Even if I can't do anything yet it feels good not to be judged. I was s very independent woman. I have no children because I was too focused on my career so having to depend on someone else especially this person is almost more than i can take

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

November, 25 2017 at 12:27 pm

Summer, I'm so sorry for your unfortunate circumstance! Wow, you really have your plate full considering everything you're going through. Those are terrible names to be called, no one needs to hear that kind of garbage, especially with what you've been coping with. I hope everything goes well with your application, that may be a real help. Your life doesn't have to stay this way and it sounds like you know this. Here are a couple articles I think may interest you: Verbal Abuse Coping Skills for When You Can't Just Leave, Reasons to Leave A Verbally Abusive Relationship, Ending Verbal Abuse, 5 Steps To Take.
I hope those are helpful! Also, I'm really glad you reached out, please do so anytime! Hang in there, Summer! Thanks, Emily

Michelle
October, 15 2017 at 10:16 pm

My husband calls me names and blames anything he does on my attitude, apparently standing up for myself and our son means I have an attitude, I've opened up a secret account in my sons names and I'm working hard to save enough to leave as I have a home business, but it's taking awhile. He's hit me before and now since we had our son he threatens too. He grabs at my body one min then calls me names the next. I don't like him touching me nor do I think I love him at all anymore. I'm scared to leave but more scared to stay.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Hidden for safety
November, 6 2017 at 4:57 am

Are you ok Michelle?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

November, 6 2017 at 11:32 am

Michelle, I'm really impressed with your resilience, it can be so hard to stand up to someone abusive. I'm also impressed you're taking measures to develop a safe exit plan. How are you doing? I see you left this comment mid-October, I hope you and your son are well. Hang in there! You can do this! -Emily

Kat
October, 4 2017 at 8:29 am

After reading all this I'm literally crying because my husband does so many of these things. Im 21 and this is my first marriage, he's 45 and this is his 7th. I love him but like not an hour ago he told me go "get the f*&k out! Why don't you bail like you always Do! I f(*king hate you!" That's all I get.. I get called stupid, I get told how horrible and lazy I am. I get told how I'm all these horrible names and I make his life hard. When I cry he goes 'awwwwwww is your p%*sy hurt? Stop acting you don't have any feelings!" Then he says it's all my fault. Years before i met him i was severely beaten and raped, my husband tells me i need to go back to my rapist, he tells me my rapist needed to just finish the job. How if i try to get help my husband will either beat me or kill me... I don't know what to do...

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Danielle
October, 9 2017 at 11:30 am

:( i feel your pain i need to get out of my verbal and emtional relationship. Its starting to affect our 3 yr old son. Im currently pregnant with baby number 2 hes comming next month and im afraid i know hes not going to help me at all like he never helped with our 3 yr old... he called me a whore today just to say it because i told him im unhappy how he yells at me all the time. Sped down the road with our son in the car. Lord knows i want out.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Hidden for safety
November, 6 2017 at 5:00 am

That’s horrible sometimes I worry about having kids with my husband as he thinks I’m a b***h all the time but I’m not I just ask questions. Even to people just to clarifiy. It used to be if you don’t like my wife there’s something wrong with you. Now I am the one who gets the short end of the stick. I’m always in trouble and always at fault.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

November, 6 2017 at 11:45 am

Danielle, That's awful! I'm so sorry. I feel so sick that you're dealing with that while you're pregnant. Hang in there! And I know how scary it can be to weigh the options of leaving with the realization that you're signing up to be a single parent... it can be a very real reason to hold anyone back from leaving. I was a single mom of twin babies for 2 years, and although it had it's own set of challenges, I was the happiest I'd ever been and I found myself again, I learned to like and appreciate myself again. You and your babies deserve a happy life, a stable life, and to feel loved and treasured always. Again, I'm so sorry for your struggles. -Emily

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Defeated
May, 10 2020 at 1:45 am

I’m 23 my husband is 60. He can be so charming and sweet. He is attractive for his age. But he has called me a stupid b**** and has said he hates me. He has called me a prostitute, lesbian, stripper and all tours of things. I have sinned in my past. But I’m so hurt that he still holds things over my head. I really love and respect but it literally feels like my heart and chest are being cut when he says harsh things to me. Christ said husbands are to live your wives. Where is the love?

Kelli
September, 2 2017 at 2:33 pm

My husband of 4 months, together for 5 years, constantly verbally abuses me, raises his hand at me like he will hit me. He calls me harsh words and berates me everyday. A part of me wants to leave but invested so long I don't have the strength to leave. We don't have any children and while I was trying to get pregnant, I am not actively trying now He will call me trash, tell me my nursing job is not good enough and he makes the real money. Says he wants me out of his house and that I don't deserve to live there. Says my mouth is the reason he hates me because I tell the truth and try not to accept what he says to me. I never say a word to him because I don't want to trigger him, i walk around on eggshells and here I am his doormat. I let him treat me like crap and beat me down to feeling worthless. I sometimes want to die and makes me feel everyone would be better off if I did. I'm so unhappy but cannot face the shame and embarrassment of leaving him. We don't have sex, he won't touch me, he won't say a kind word to me. I feel like I married the devil. I need help but don't know to get it.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

September, 11 2017 at 12:33 am

Hi Kelli,
Thank you for your comment, and well done for speaking out about what you're going through. My heart goes out to you because your situation sounds terribly familiar. There was a time when I thought I was pregnant by my abusive ex-partner, and now that I'm free of him I thank the universe every day that didn't happen. Since then, I became engaged to a wonderful, caring man and we had a child of our own. Even so, I find motherhood challenging at times, and without a supportive partner by my side I would have struggled even more. I know it is not my place to say, but please think twice before you bring a child into the world with this man. If he abuses you, there is a high chance he will abuse your children. Parenting is wonderful, but it really tests your patience and resolve. This can be dangerous for those who are used to being in control; babies and children are so unpredictable.
Please consider opening up to someone about your relationship. Whatever he makes you believe, the way he treats you is not OK. I know it feels shameful and embarrassing to admit what's been going on, but trust me: you're not the only one.
i would recommend talking to a trusted friend or family member and getting someone on your side to help you with the next step. You should also research some domestic violence helplines and organizations where you live and get in touch with one of those. It's also worth contacting a counsellor or therapist who is specially trained to help victims of domestic violence. Those are the first steps to take. I know it can feel overwhelming, but you can do it. It's not an easy journey, but it's definitely one worth making.
Good luck!
Emma

MB Ladi
August, 2 2017 at 6:24 pm

I just got called a f****ng idiot by my fiancé of 7 years in front of my 20 year old college kid home for three weeks. The house flooded due to her forgetting the water was running in the sink. Previously, her and I argued. He says it was my fault because we often argue and i should leave her alone; if I would've have left her alone she wouldn't have been frazzled and forgotten that the water was running in the sink. The house is a mess! He told her don't worry about it, but hasn't said much to me. I asked what I could do, but he basically implies not to worry about it. He's been a fiancé this long for a reason, right?! Lol! Finding humor even with a wounded heart.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

September, 11 2017 at 12:21 am

Hello MB Ladi,
Relationships are so challenging, and people can often say things in the moment that they don't really mean, or that they will later regret. Have you managed to talk to your fiancé about how his comment made you feel? I recommend you read my post, The Difference Between Arguments and Verbal Abuse, and watch out for other verbally abusive behavior.
Good luck! Emma x

Anonymous
July, 23 2017 at 5:12 pm

I have been with my husband for 10 years. He has cheated on me several times. He corners me and verbally attacks me. He acts like he is going to hit me. He tells me I front of our children that I am a f***ing bilplar B** ch and a horrible mother. He tells me he is the only one that works to give me the life I have. But if I get a job it has to be on his schedule. I feel hopeless I don't want to take my kids from him. But I can't take any more.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

September, 11 2017 at 12:17 am

Hello Anonymous,
I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. The situation you're in sounds like it could be dangerous. Consider calling one of the domestic violence helplines on our Help and Resources page -- these are people who can help you when you feel stuck and don't know where to turn. It may also be worth contacting a lawyer so you can plan for the financial implications of leaving your husband (if that's what you plan to do). Please continue to use this site for support and reach out to others when you can. Good luck to you.
Emma x

Anonymous
October, 16 2017 at 4:29 pm

My father is at the end stages of early onset Alzheimers and is only 63. I moved back in with my parents after 13 years because my father requires 24 care, and I promised him that he would not end up in a nursing home. So now I work from home and so does my mom so that we can take care of my father. My father is priority, but for three years now at least 2-3 times a week I get blamed for his Alzheimers by my mother. I get called everything but my name, and am told on a daily basis how sorry I am and that this world and her life would be better if I was gone. There is a lot of other things she says that I don't think are appropriate to even type. When she starts in on me I listen and keep my mouth shut and when I have had enough I will walk away or go sit outside and bring my dad with me. It seems like walking away makes it worse and when I agree with her about how sorry and pathetic I am it makes the situation worse. I have thought about just leaving and going my own way, but then I think of my dad and how selfish it would be for me to leave. These verbal attacks are the reason I left home in the first place and was almost the reason my dad divorced my mom. Faith and prayer has brought contentment to me and I can tell it's rubbing off on my dad as well, but the attacks still hurt. Its like if someone day after day keeps telling you that you are worthless and that your birth was the biggest mistake, sooner or later you start to wonder if it's true. I do get scared sometimes that she is just going to loose it all one day and hurt me or my dad, but that is just a "what if" at the moment. I know not everyone is religious but I always refer to the book of Romans chapter 12 verses 9-21, it helps me, maybe it can help someone who reads this comment. No matter what anyone does or says always be quick to forgive and love with an attitude of gratitude in any situation. All the abuse and hate in this world will never conquer love. God bless!

Misty
July, 23 2017 at 5:10 pm

I have been with my husband for 10 years. He has cheated on me several times. He corners me and verbally attacks me. He acts like he is going to hit me. He tells me I front of our children that I am a f***ing bilplar B** ch and a horrible mother. He tells me he is the only one that works to give me the life I have. But if I get a job it has to be on his schedule. I feel hopeless I don't want to take my kids from him. But I can't take any more.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

MB Ladi
August, 2 2017 at 6:17 pm

Misty - I'm being hypocritical, but plan your departure soon.

kristen
July, 20 2017 at 2:59 pm

My Husband and I have been together for almost 10 years now. We have beautiful children. He was the first man I had ever been with sexually. He calls me names and downgrades me constantly. I have been going through this for a very long time. I recently found out that he has been cheating on me as well. I kicked him out. He was only gone a week and I begged him to come back. So he did. He didnt do it for me tho he did it for our kids. I really just dont understand why I cant let him go. Why everything is just so hard for me. I finished high school and moved in with him right away. I'm about to be 28 years old and still have done absoulutly nothing with my life. When he left I felt like everything was my fault. I begged and pleaded for him to come back. I'm so stupid!! since he has came back NOTHING has gotten better. I have tried but nothing is ever good enough he has no remorse for what he has done and he is making my life really hard right now. He keeps calling me a stupid F****** C*** over and over. He lays in bed and plays games on his phone and he laughs like he has no worries. I dont know what to do anymore. I love him but more so I love the man he used to be. I dont know if he ever really loved me.

Pam
July, 10 2017 at 7:33 am

The man who lives with me has a bad temper. I thought it was my fault for a long time. We have been together two years and he flies off the handle and blames me. Like a couple days ago I texted him one message while he was at work and he blew up and still is mad. He says he hates me and calls me a stupid b**** and even says he hates my kids, thankfully they are grown. He got drunk a couple months ago and came home and hit me so many times in my arm that I had bruises for almost a month. Then he can be a loving man and its like nothing happened but he always says I made him do it. He always threatens to leave me. I feel like even if he leaves it won't solve the problem. What about the next woman he abuses?

Barbie
July, 6 2017 at 11:56 pm

My fiance and I have been together a little over a year now. And in the beginning we both would call each other names,we'll he has asked me to stop and I have but yet he won't stop calling get me names. I'm not sure what to do. I love him to death and would do everything and anything for him. I don't understand... Am I not good enough or does he do this cut he wants me to leave or he wants to leave I'm so hurt and confused right now Idk what to do say at this point. I love him to pieces he's my angel from above he took me out a bad situation and bow he's starting to do simular things my soon to be ex husband did.

Jade
July, 5 2017 at 7:57 pm

My boyfriend is in his late 40s and I'll be 20 soon. He calls me a narcissistic, attention wh**e, and is always accusing me of lying and/or cheating. He can make me feel like the greatest person on the plant. And then lower than dirt the next. If I don't reply to a text or answer everytime he calls, he gets extremely upset. He says my entire generation are narcissists. If I tell him how this makes me feel either by getting upset or calmly explaining it always ends up my fault. I've tried to talk to him. But I feel like there's no changing his mind ever. So what should I do?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

July, 6 2017 at 3:45 am

Hi Jade,
Sorry to hear you're going through this. What you're describing is a classic emotional abuse situation. I have been in your position and learned that there is nothing you can do within the relationship to change an abuser's behavior. You — the closest person to him — are the perfect scapegoat for his own issues, and the person he will project all of his mistrust on to.
I know that leaving the relationship feels impossible, but you may come to realize that this is the only way you'll be able to feel like yourself again. My experience was very similar to yours, and I felt like my life wasn't worth living when the relationship ended. A few weeks without him in my life made all the difference: I finally felt free to be myself for the first time in years and went on to meet my fiancé, who treats me with respect and love 100% of the time. That is the kind of relationship we all deserve, not one in which we're constantly walking on eggshells.
This article will give you some guidance on where to go from here, and how to go about finding support.

Sonja
July, 5 2017 at 8:06 am

I probably won't see these reply's but I felt I needed to talk to someone, anyone about what has been happening to me.. I'm 21 years old and my fiance is 22 we have been together since we were 15 years old. We have always had small fights, but several months ago I started talking to this girl from my job, we never had sex but it was an emotional affair that could have turned into something more. Anyways he found out and wanted me to quit, but I was the only one working at the time so I didn't quit immediatly. I ended up quiting and trying to stay with him and make things better because I genuinely love him so much. But the the anger started, and at first I was like okay I deserve this completely I really hurt him bad. It's been 3 months or so and it has progressively gotten worse. He calls me a w***e and a s**t, and things similar that I don't feel comfortable telling strangers because it's too painful. He has call me a lazy fata$$, a stupid b***h, and things like I don't love you anymore and good luck finding anyone that will deal with you. He has told me he hates coming home to me and being near me. This has all put me in a deep depression that I can't climb out of, and he's even mad at me for being depressed, saying things like you're pathetic and you suck the life out of every room you walk into, everyone hates you, and I'm embarrassed to take you in public. I think the worst part is he never says sorry just explains why he thinks it's okay to make me feel small and destroy any self confidence, self worth, or dignity I have left. I know I hurt him but I want to feel loved and wanted again so badly but he hates me. I feel like I love him too much to leave but he doesn't see or doesn't care how bad he is hurting me. It seems the more I tell him I need him or miss him he pushes me further away. I feel desperate for his affection to feel accepted, but all I get is shut down and berated when I try to talk about feelings. I know you will tell me to leave but I can't for some reason he has this sad hold on me I'm his willing prisoner. I just need him so bad, I feel so guilty and sad that I ruined our life and I'm worried we will never be happy again. I just miss him so bad I miss who he was I can't stop crying because I destroyed the only good thing I had left in my life now I'm feeling alone and broken.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

July, 6 2017 at 4:10 am

Hi Sonja,
Well done for speaking out about what's happening to you. Your situation sounds eerily familiar — in fact, it is the exact situation I found myself in five years ago. Firstly, know you are not to blame for how he is treating you. I'm not surprised you sought an emotional connection with someone outside of your relationship, given the way he is withholding affection and verbally and emotionally abusing you. The things he is saying to you are dreadful and you don't deserve to be spoken to that way by someone who is supposed to love you, regardless of whether you have emotionally or physically been unfaithful.
I can't tell you to leave your partner, even if I think that is what you should do. Trust me, I know how hard this is. I put up with this kind of behavior for years and waited until he left me. I had no dignity left and could barely remember who I was. I don't want that to happen to you, Sonja.
But know this: this relationship you're describing, it's not love. A loving relationship is mutually respectful and supportive. You will never get what you need from this man. Also, you're not crazy, and don't let him manipulate you into thinking you are. My previous partner convinced me I had all kinds of psychological issues when we were together, but it wasn't true. Remember the real "you" underneath — you will need her.
You can always come to this site for support. I'm a new blogger for HealthyPlace and I'm going to be writing about a lot of the struggles you've described. You can find me here.
Good luck, and big hugs. You can do this.

anonymous
June, 5 2017 at 2:14 pm

If I disagree, get upset about anything, or express a different opinion than my husband has... he more often than not ends up raging and yelling "f*** you you f***ing b****" and storms out. I never swear at him, and I have told him dozens of time that it hurts me so much when he calls me that. I've even said that it feels like he's sticking a knife in me when he calls me that. I basically just feel numb afterwards. This doesn't happen often, because I try to avoid any conflict by just agreeing with him, or not saying anything at all. If I get upset and express my feelings , he says things like "settle" (isn't this what people say to their dog?) ... or "you're out of control". He gets mad if I don't walk the right way, which means right next to him and I feel like he wants me to "heel" like a dog. Last night he got mad I didn't walk exactly where or how he wanted me to and said I had "crossed his line"...? What's made me so upset today is that last night my 18 yr old son disagreed with him and was expressing his opinion on how a sport is played. After a minute of discussion - there wasn't yelling involved at all.. my husband raises his voice and yells "F***" at our son! I was sitting right next to both of them! For a moment, no one said anything... my husband then just started to talk like nothing happened.. I decided it was time to stand up to him... I said "hold on! that was uncalled for. Our son is entitled to have different opinions than you and he's entitled to express them. He wasn't trying to hurt you or anyone. What you said was wrong!". He looks at me, not our son, and says angrily "Sorry". He never looked at our son an sincerely said sorry. Our son, replied calmly and sincerely. "I'm sorry too..." and then a long, long, period of silence started. I was so upset, but didn't say anything. I went to bed early and this morning I told my husband that I was disappointed and upset about how he reacted last night. His reply "He (our son) was out of line"! what? for expressing his opinion? I said "He can express his opinion, and if it's different than yours, too bad. He wasn't trying to hurt you. But you hurt him by yelling at him. That's unacceptable. He said "out of line" a few more times.... I am so angry right now this is all I can think about.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Jennie
June, 29 2017 at 9:44 pm

Oh my God, please leave this horribly abusive man if you have somewhere to go. I am so sorry this is happening to you. I hope you find a solution, you will never be happy walking on eggshells for the rest of your life. Praying for you.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Bose
July, 8 2017 at 9:12 pm

I'm living your nightmare as well except i have been married for 16 yrs and it hasn't stopped. I have been called every derogatory name you can imagine. Sit hurts like hell and it makes you love him a little less each time. Get out if u can.

Matt Johnston
May, 2 2017 at 1:07 am

Omg. I am a man, my wife calls me an abusive husband. I complain about the filth we live in. I work long hrs. We do have children. Therefor i understand what it takes to care for small children(I was a stay at home dad for 5 years). I love my wife. I really really do. After she started calling Me abusive. I started reading articles
and reasearching abuse. As i read this list above. Im shocked. Never have i berated my wife. I dont call her names. I dont tell her shes worthless. I have no regrets marrying her. These are the things says and does to me. Im to blame for everything. Im far from perfect. Ive made mistakes.ive excepted responsibility for my mistakes. Never has she. I wish i had hidden. Cameras in the house so people could see the truth. I feel like im the one being gaslighted. Please help. My marriage depends on it. I dont want to lose her

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Sue
June, 28 2017 at 11:45 am

Please see a professional- you need help and that, in turn, may help her - or at least, maybe you can then safely convince her to see what she's doing.

Jenny Shaw
April, 17 2017 at 11:42 pm

I've been married for 20 years, my husband had turned verbally abusive when his grandfather died 4 years ago. He just calls me some awful words when he's drunk or upset with me. Can he be removed from the house if he's business is ran from the garage?

Notbuyingit
April, 4 2017 at 1:10 am

Hell no these abusers know what they do many of them are narcissist or sociopaths who could careless the pain and suffering they inflict on others. I would say all of them not most get off on hurting others because they are sadistic. Not one of these abuser deserve understanding of why they do it or love period!!!!!

Shannon
July, 10 2016 at 7:55 am

I've been with my bf for 3 yrs now.hes 33 and I'm 38, i Do love him with all my heart but first yr he moved in to my home and it was all good for a little while instill he would shrw me no emotions. And never would tell me he loved me first ever so i started looking on chatlines for someone to say the words that i wanted him to say to me. Ur beautiful, sexy , i would love to have u has my gf But i was getting it from chatlines Instead Of him well my bf find out that i was on the chatlines. And down the line i find out that he was on chatlines too .i wouldn't tell the hole truth to him about my x bf my baby's dad that i was dropping off the kids cause he would tell me that i was wrong for being so nice to him .ok i understand some of it but everyday i got told that i was cheating with his friends or family members on his side. i would tell him not true i would never cross that line im not like that at all . i don't know what to do anymore. Getting very sick and everyday i don't talk to him cause i don't want to fight with him so i stay away maybe im wrong for staying away but i hate fighting with him .we don't. Sleep in the same room any more cause he has kicked me out to many times so i just say fuck it any more not kissing his ass and put all my stuff back in the room for him to kick me out again so now i stay in the other room .what should i do i dropped all my friends cause he says they r no good i have 2 girl friends left that i still talk to i don't even see my side of my family cause they hate him and don't want nothing to do with him cause of all the past history between me and him . so all i have left is my kids that aren't his and he fights in front of them with me so i just walk away so we don't fight in front of them . i fell in love with him never had fallen in love with anyone like i did with him this is so hard to leave him been through alot with him in the pasted 3 yrs .i just don't know what to do anymore going crazy trying to fix this relationship please help me find the right thing to do

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kellie Jo Holly
July, 11 2016 at 11:21 am

Leave him. It takes two people who want to change a relationship for it to change. He doesn't want to change himself and he doesn't want to change the relationship for the better. Look at your lifetime: how long is three years, really? Not long. Get out so you can find yourself, learn to love yourself, and make a healthy home for your children.

Anonymous
July, 8 2016 at 2:02 pm

The father of my kids has said almost everything on that list. I dont work because I have 3 small daughters and will have to pay Alot of childcare. So he constantly tell me I'm worthless, bad mom, and a piece of you know what. I try not to let him get to me but he does. During my pregnancy he would tell me horrible things and after was worse. I believe I have fallen into depression and at one point even tried to end my life because I was starting to believe what he said was true. I try to reason with him but he hurts me emotionally and I cry. I ask him why he says those things to me he responds by telling me it's all my fault l. Is there a way I can get through to him or is it a failing cause?

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