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Verbal Abuse in Relationships

Has your co-worker or loved one ever given you a beautiful gift, but then acted offended that you didn't appreciate it enough, claimed that you were lying about how much you liked it, snatched it back saying you didn't deserve it at all, or any other action that changed your happiness into some other feeling? If so, you've experienced an abusive incident aimed at destroying your sense of reality. How could your lovely, heart-felt reaction be interpreted in some other way? Did you react to the gift "wrong"? Should you have felt more appreciative, more grateful, less selfish? Suddenly your reality, the truth as you know it, doesn't make sense. What is going on?
Many abuse victims suffer from posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), me included. The other day in the middle of writing the post about my ex's abusive anger, I had to take an hour break before I could finish it. My body reacted the same way it did when my ex ran up on me--panicky, wobbly, . . . fearful. It helps to know what is happening at times like these. If I didn't know that PTSD influenced me both physically and emotionally, I may think I was just plain stupid for still being this way. As it is, I recognize the PTSD symptom and take necessary steps to ground myself and bring myself back into the present to deal with the PTSD and the memories of abuse.
When I began my website way back in 2008, I chose the title "Verbal Abuse Journals" because, somehow, the word Verbal seemed to soften up the word Abuse. Back then, to me, "Verbal Abuse" was the name of a band or the type of angering insult one might hear from a stranger on the street. Verbal abuse was almost a joke, a simple case of mama-not-teaching-you-how-to-talk-nice, as far as I was concerned. I felt comfortable using the term verbal abuse to help describe my marriage because it wasn't really abuse. It couldn't be scary abuse--it was just an ugly vocabulary. And people can change their vocabulary.  
All of us survivors know that our ex will at least verbally and emotionally abuse our children. We survivors also know how hard that type of abuse is to prove, and even proving it doesn't mean your ex will have less time with our children. Proving non-sexual or non-physical abuse typically results in therapy if it results in anything at all. Therapy doesn't work unless the abuser wants to change. They don't want to change which is the reason you left them in the first place.
Kasandra Perkins and about ten other women died at the hands of their partner on December 1, 2012 (4000 women killed by partners/year divided by 365 days/year = 10 - 11 dead women per day). Yet today, Internet news sources remember Kasandra Perkin's boyfriend, the man who killed her before killing himself, and the jest of the commentary is, "We didn't see this coming. He was such a great guy!" Typical. Newsday reported "Friends of Perkins have said there was tension between the two that escalated after the birth of their daughter, now 3 months old, and a police source said the two argued about money." Abuse escalates or begins after the abuser feels that the victim cannot separate from them. For example, after the birth of a baby.
I feel responsible for teaching my oldest son that it is all right to act out physically when things don't go his way. I allowed him to watch his father and I perpetuate the cycle of violence in our home. I didn't walk away from my marriage as soon as I now wish I could have. My son learned that when a grown-up man doesn't get his way, it is normal for him to physically intimidate everyone around him until they submit to his wishes. Then, it is okay to forget it happened without an apology or discussion so long as some of his behaviors improve. So long as he turns on the charm and pretends to go along, there is no need for further conversation or remorse. The other day, an argument with my son reminded me that doing what is right makes me feel as scared as doing what is normal makes me feel numb. The altercation began with Marc's violent push of a full coffee cup that spilled across the table, instantly dripping into the laps of all who live in our home (except for Marc's). The four of us immediately jumped up from the table in surprise; I instinctively ran to the kitchen to grab a towel to clean up the mess.
'Tis the season for increased abuse, ladies and gentlemen. Hold onto your stockings, it could be a wild ride! Many of you could have experienced the beginnings of your holiday "bliss" this past week during the celebration of Thanksgiving, leaving you to wonder exactly what there is to be thankful for when your significant other can't seem to enjoy a holiday, no matter what amount of thought you put into making it enjoyable for them.
Way before I understood that my (now ex) husband abused me, he asked me if I was stuck on stupid, and I thought to myself, “No, I am stuck with Stupid.” Saying that statement aloud did not seem like a good idea, so I kept it to myself. Although quite pleased with the internal right-back-atcha dialogue going on inside my head, I didn’t take the time to reflect on the insults I’d wished I had delivered aloud until recently. Any insult I once wished I said would have escalated the abuse. I knew it back then, and that is why I kept the nastiness to myself. In hindsight, the insults I did not deliver held value to me. They kept my mind busy so I could not absorb his words into myself. Instead of wondering if I was “stuck on stupid” or believing I was stupid, my mind protected me from that nonsense by making up insults. Busy in my own head, his words could not harm me; his words couldn’t penetrate the shield.
Children in abusive homes often learn how to abuse without really knowing what they're doing. It's another tragic effect of abuse that can seem hopeless to overcome. But it isn't. Children in abusive homes aren't lost to us parents who have learned about abuse and can recognize abuse when it comes from our children. Granted, it's easier to teach children of abusive homes how to behave appropriately when they're no longer exposed to abuse. But, as that's not usually the case with family court being as it is, it's up to us non-abusive parents to teach children how to behave well. Here are some ideas on how to help children in abusive homes unlearn abuse.
When it comes to the statistics about domestic abuse, it doesn't matter to me how many men to how many women experience domestic violence. Domestic violence is a power issue more than a gender issue. Intimate Partner Violence affects men and women, and I really do not care in what proportion. Domestic violence will not end until no person seeks power over another person, or every person learns to recognize the tactics of control and manipulation early in a relationship so they can make the decision to get out before the abuser hurts them (more). I do not see the day when no person seeks power over another. I believe the majority of people want and work for equitable relationships, but I also believe there will always be those who do not. I think the desire for power over another person is a temptation all of us battle with at times. Some of us win that battle, and some of us lose ourselves in it.