Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do
What does verbal abuse sound like? The tone and content varies from abuser to abuser, but the words effect the victim in similar ways. Victims hear horrible things from their abuser and they feel small, withdrawn, angry, helpless, sad, shame, and a hundred other horrible emotions - sometimes all at once.
In the beginning of my abusive relationship, I felt anger and stood up for myself which led to loud, circular verbal altercations that had no solutions. Later, after coming to believe that he was my hero, my savior and provider, I felt stupid and wanted to fix myself so he would love me. Much later, I turned away and left the house for awhile which eventually led to increased physical violence and leaving forever.
Sometimes my abuser's words hurt when he jabs and attempts to provoke on the phone. Mostly, the memory, the countless memories of the abusive things he's said to me rear up and try to convince me that his remembered voice is my own.
This list is only a partial list of the things verbal abusers say. It's not limited to my own abusive relationship. It takes into account what others report hearing, too.
Things Verbal Abusers Say:
- "Why don't you get a job so you understand the real world? Oh, wait - I forgot - you can't get a job because you're a stupid sh!t.
- "Quit your whining and crying. You have no reason to cry or complain! Your life is perfect because I made it that way!"
- "Bitch" (and the countless other names I won't bother to list)
- "I should have left you at the club with all the other whores."
- "If you were more like my mother I could worship you."
- "I hate it when you act so pitiful. Stop the waterworks and talk like a human being."
- "I can't stand to look at you. You make me sick."
- "You're such a great actress! You know how to get what you want, don't you?"
- "I can't believe I have to come home to you every day. How did I get involved with such a train wreck?"
- "I must be the first a$$hole to love you. You don't know how to please a man!"
- "You're fat and miserable and you make me hate you."
- "You always look like God stomped on your face."
- "Why do you care what I want for dinner? My favorites taste like crap when you make them anyway."
- "You used to be as beautiful as my ex, but geesh - time hasn't been good to you, baby!"
- "Those children are mine, will always be mine, and if you leave you'll never see them again."
Things Verbal Abusers Do:
- Deny they said anything similar to the list above.
- Defend what they've said.
- Analyze what they've said out loud, explaining that the words they used do not have the definitions you seem to think they do.
- Block you in a room so you can't leave and thereby avoid what they're saying.
- Talk horribly to the television but are really speaking to you.
- Flip open their knife to open a piece of gum while looking at you under knitted brows.
- Leave to do something else at the last minute when you had plans together.
- Take you out for your best birthday ever and then wind up berating you on the way home for not appreciating their efforts enough.
- Tell your children you need more happy pills to be a good mom.
- Change the topic of the conversation so you bounce from one place to another, never getting to the core of the issue.
- Accuse you of being a whore or a dummy or a _________ so often that they no longer need to say the words but can offer up a "look" and you know what they're saying (then they may deny it).
Okay. I have to stop. My stomach is literally upset right now after digesting the utter contempt and hatred some people spew on a daily basis.
If you're still living in this nonsense, learn about detachment and how it can benefit you. Maybe in time you'll choose to leave your abuser, and maybe you'll choose to stay. No one here will judge you for staying (I've been there and it can feel hopeless!), but please work on ways to make yourself feel better in the process.
*Both women and men could be abusers or victims, so do not take my pronoun choices as an implication that one gender abuses and the other is victimized.
Holly, K. (2012, April 29). Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2019, September 19 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2012/04/things-verbal-abusers-say-and-do
Author: Kellie Jo Holly
There is no other way.
I'm separated from my husband. Upon exchanging babies for visitation he calls me names, accuses me of being late (which is not true), hovers over me, sends me texts to get me to not follow our court order for custody/ visitation along with guilt trips as I say no. There is always a punishment even still that we are separated. He successfully turned his family against me when he abandoned us. He accuses me of taking the kids from him when, in fact, he left us and moved to another state! It's terrible and I pray for his salvation through Jesus Christ. He calls me sick, the devil, wicked, vile, ugly, beautiful, dream girl, too emotional, lazy, fat, etc. I am an active mom of 2 toddlers who works, stays at home and competes in running. I finally heard the Gospel last year-that God so love the world that He sent His only Son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life. John 3:16. God's Son is Jesus and He paid for us sinners on the cross. He was resurrected and will return again. Jesus is our hope and heaven with God (who cannot lie or sin) is our home. God wants our heart, our faith. My husband claims to be a Christian but NEVER once told me the Good news that I might believe and be saved! I got saved right after he left when a girlfriend he didn't know of invited me to a bible church. Now I know my standing with God is good bc of what God did for us thru Jesus. Now I have to keep detaching myself from this man more and more as he grips for any bit of control. He's so good to other people. So charming, so kind even. God sees what these men are doing and if they don't turn from this and humble themselves to the cross they will pay eternal consequences. I pray these men would be exposed and all of us women would be protected by the mighty hand of the Creator. The One who made you, me and the earth we stand on.
Please, I beg you, leave him now.
everything was great. well now that we have had a baby he changed.
he is the worst person ive ever met. he calls me dumb a** stupid bit** he tells me im a bad mom and that he doednt give a sh** about me calls my kids and I
mother f-ers. it is so hard to leave bc i moved to b w him and i dont have any1
here. is this considered verbal abuse?
I can't pinpoint when the abuse began... But I'm pretty sure it doesn't even matter. A couple months into our relationship, I noticed him getting rough with a pet of ours, and had to give it up for adoption. In the future, he would shut my cats in the basement and resulted in one of them dying. This was a couple of years ago and he won't completely admit he was wrong, but I feel like he realizes it since he's grown a little compassionate toward animals.
I'm not sure if that's relevant but it was maybe necessary for characterization here.
Anyway, verbal and emotional abuse. He is very jealous and sees every male as a threat. I'm a bartender and he gets extremely jealous when I talk to people, especially if I don't make it clear in the first minute that we're engaged or something. I'm very modest, and I usually engage in conversations about my customers rather than myself. I have a ring on my hand for all to see and if we somehow talk about me I will tell them. Every night if I'm not out of work by the time he wants me to be (we close pretty early for a bar, too.. this could start around 8pm with the texts) he will begin to accuse me of shmoozing at the bar with guys or "having someones dick in my mouth" or whatever his montra of the night happens to be. Sometimes before I'm even out of bed in the morning he will start with the abuse. He didn't like a person I accepted a friend request on Facebook from and started saying I should just continue being a hoe scumbag sketchy slut and go fuck him again. He's also always liking other girls pictures of their "selfies" or fake tit jobs and it makes me ill to think he's into these girls. If I were to do this, I can't even imagine.
Oh have I mentioned I've caught him cheating... twice?
Yeah, the first time was with my friend that was supposed to go to a concert with me one night but said she was just going to go to my house with a group of people and hangout there for the night. Her and my boyfriend ditched me and I went with my best, oldest friend. He spent the night accusing me of cheating when I found out months later that he spent his night making out with my friend.
Last year, he got extreme with the abuse and ended up sleeping with a 18? year old? Maybe? I'm not usually nosey but I knew there was something going on and I had to look at his phone. First thing I see to this young lady is "Whatsup sexy."
I called this girl, she admitted to sleeping with him a few weeks ago and staying overnight in my bed. I had stayed at my mother's house that night because he was being so abusive.
So pretty much, he is the one who is guilty and is doing everything he possibly can to keep me down and make me lose all my self esteem because he knows he screwed up... I think? Maybe he doesn't want me to go out and do what he did? It wouldn't even matter because he always says I'm out slutting around.
I am a very forgiving person, but I'm beginning to really hate that quality. It's weird that I mostly trust him, even though he's betrayed me so many times. He's brought me to the point of involuntarily starving myself. I couldn't eat for weeks after the second cheating incident. I'm about 5'2" and weighed about 118 and dropped to around 102. Quickly. He felt no sympathy and just became more abusive. Eventually we got back together and he promised things would never get like that again. He semi admitted to what he did but I know the truth so it doesn't matter. I just wish he would own up to what I know as a fact.
I could go on and on and on. I love him so much. Obviously we have our good times, but an overwhelming amount of my life is spent dealing with his insecurities. He got in trouble for harassing me in public and now has to take domestic abuse classes and I feel like they are teaching him to be a master manipulator. I don't even know what to do. I would like nothing more than for someone to put him in his place and make him have some sort of epiphany. I doubt that will happen but I guess some support or advice would be helpful...
By the way, we moved across the country together and I'm pretty stuck. I guess I could leave but I don't think he would ever let that happen for real. And I don't want to.
I have seen many familiar comments & stories here. I strongly encourage many of you to research NPD & NVS. Years of ambient psychological,emotional & verbal abuse can do untold damage to your psyche & self esteem. It can cause you to question your own sanity & reality and it is by design. It can also cause PTSD. ( which I do have)
If you are divorcing one of these sick characters, I also strongly encourage you to go do your homework and to protect yourselves. Please be aware that in more cases than not, they are & have been covertly spying on you by hijacking your electronics, installing spying, monitoring,tracking & key logging hardware, software & apps on your computers & cellphones. They also commonly place hidden cameras in your home & record your in person & phone conversations. My narcissist did all of the above and then some, (even though I never cheated or gave him any reason to do so, he was projecting & mirroring his own bad behavior onto me). He also had remote access for camera & mic turned on my laptop with all settings & notifications off so that he could watch & listen to me cry & have a nervous breakdown as he played his sick game out over Facebook.
These sickos will lie, spin, mirror, project, manipulate and gas light to try to get reaction or emotion out of you because they are emotional vampires. Then they mix in a few compliments or make you think you are over reacting or too emotional & are misreading or misinterpreting their words or actions. You literally question your own mind, thinking, sanity, reality all while they laugh their ass off & plan the next step of their game. And make no mistake about it. It is a game to them and they want to win at any cost. The best way to deal with these creepers is to go NO CONTACT. Absolutely positively NONE. When you cut off their fuel supply, things often times escalate, so be prepared. Do. Your. Homework. Have a plan. Stay ahead of the game. Mine became so intense, I literally had to hire an expert consultant to help me get out. She was a godsend & is likely the only reason I am here taking about it. Her name for anyone interested or in need is Diana Iannarone. Her website is www.standingup.us. Please watch her videos. They are very helpful and hopeful.
Read, research & protect yourselves!
My child's father has shown signs of narcissistic personality disorder and he is verbally abusive. I have seen him act a little paranoid at times too about stuff.
We had a disagreement recently, his eyes were full of anger in a way I had never seen and he grabbed me forcibly. And he told me not to raise my voice at him. I was so scared, I thought he was going to hit me. It was this day I realized, he could get worst. He has no respect for women and he is abusive.
Before I found out I was pregnant I was thinking of leaving him. I stayed after I got pregnant. He got worst after I got pregnant. He started trying to control me, my family and my finances. I have not talked to him since the argument in which he grabbed me.
He even called me a stupid b.... I have never been called that by any man. I have never been grabbed roughly either by any man I have dated. This had proved to been the worst relationship I ever had.
it!He was 17 years older than me, he had hit me so much that if he moved
his hand I jumped. He said all the things that Abusers say to their"loved ones"
Such as"You know how I am, why do you make me hit you?" I had a bump on
my nose I am sure was the result of him breaking my nose, I told him one day
I was going to have Plastic Surgery on it and there is a chance it might look
worse. He said" You couldn't look any worse!" He did all this when we were
alone, why didn't I take my two sons and leave? Because I thought if I kept
quiet we could still have Birthdays and Christmas for the family and I was
worried the families would blame me for making trouble by telling what he
did. I didn't have any money or anywhere to go, there were times when he
was nice and loving so maybe if I kept quiet he would not get angry but he
still did. In the end he had Alzheimer's and Diabetes and Heart Disease.
I was his sole Caregiver his three grown children ignored him except to try to
get all they could get his belongings. About a Month before he died he said to me "You are the best Wife a man could have". He said"I don't know why I
treated you the way I did, you didn't deserve it." Then he went back to his
Alzheimer's world and didn't mention it again. But those words meant so much to me. When he died I suddenly realized that I loved him! I had buried
my feelings for years so I would not get hurt when he said mean things. So
at the Funeral Service I went to his Coffin and said" I thank you for the good
times and forgive you for the bad". I grieved for him and for the wasted time
that was spent in anger. I just hope he Rests in Peace and knows that I love him.
please give me advivce about what to do.
Am unhappy woman and am just 23years of age going through all this pains and sorrow above all i have giving birth to a girl again who is 1year 6month always threaten me that if i leave the marriage he was not going to give me the baby and even the first child who is with my grandma i have not finish taking care of her ,infact am in a mess right now i need a serious advice .
for me i want to leave the marriage but dont know where to start from ,any help i will be greatful ,as for the beaten is uncountable and i live in fear that he may oneday kill me . thanks
Last night, we went to dinner with a few friends. I was on my phone, scrolling through Facebook, when I saw a comment he left on a girl's picture WHILE we were sitting there at the dinner table. The comment read: "You've got some eyes on you, huh?" I don't know why, but that went right through me. It hit me right in the gut, and I could feel my self esteem crumble. I suddenly wasn't laughing and having fun with my friends anymore, and I confronted him about it right there at the table. Maybe that wasn't appropriate, but I wanted to let him know that it isn't acceptable to me, his wife, when he gives random girls flirtatious comments like that. Maybe I was overreacting (which is what he thinks), but I just simply don't like it when my husband says things like that to other women, or if he puts his hands on other women. (He has done that before as well. This past New Years Eve he kept hugging some girl in a bar, and long story short - I ended up walking to my parents' house in around 2am covered in tears) Anyhow, the fact that I was upset about his comment started an all out war. He told me I was "crazy". And he never has anything to say for himself. He didn't last night, and he didn't on New Years Eve.
Once we were home I was called tons of names. I was told that I am worthless, and that all I do is sit around on my a**. I am currently a full time nursing student, and I work every single weekend at a hospital - pretty much a 50 hour work week once you factor in my time spent in clinicals/classroom settings. I was told that I'm a "4" unless I have on nice clothes, apply layers of makeup, and tan for a month straight. I was told I've gained 20 pounds in the past month. Yeah. My husband said all that to me. He also told me he shouldn't have married as he threw his wedding ring on the floor, and that he doesn't want to have a child with me, because it will probably have a "huge forehead" just like I do, and it will probably be just like my mother. I was told my parents were probably both on drugs when I was conceived, and the entire time my mother was pregnant with me. Yeah, all of this, because I asked my husband to please not give other women flirtatious comments. He never has anything nice like that to say to me. So of course, I felt a pang of jealousy and hurt when I read the comment. I just don't understand. Why was it so dire that he tell some random girl who he doesn't even know that she has "some eyes on her."??? What did he accomplish? He made some other girl feel good about herself, and made his wife feel like crap.
After being told I'm basically fat and ugly, I asked my husband why he even married me since he thinks so little of me, to which he replied: "because, you are going to make me money." I started crying, and all he could keep telling me was to get out of his face and to go to bed. He told me I'm pathetic and that he doesn't feel sorry for me when I'm crying like that. While all this was going on, he couldn't even take his eyes off of his fantasy hockey crap on the computer, or the Notre Dame game that was on the television. I finally relented and went to bed, since I knew I was going to have to get up in a few hours to work a twelve hour shift. We have been married for nearly three months.
Sorry for such a long post, but after something like that, I find it comforting to vent. When he says stuff like that, it kills me. We have been together for about 8 years. Like I said before, when we get along, things are fine. He tells me I'm "cute" a lot, which I don't really care for, since I'm a 23 year old woman, not a 3 year old. And I admit, I have gained some weight since I started school, but I wouldn't call myself fat. I'm 5'3" and about 130lbs. I'm used to weighing anywhere from 110-120. He makes me feel like I weigh 500 pounds or something. I just don't understand how someone can be so cruel to someone they are supposed to love. And marriage is a huge deal to me. It is sacred, and for him to act as if it means so little to him just smashes my entire being. I don't know if I should see a therapist to discuss my feelings or what.
Again, sorry for such a long post.
I fear for my kids but can't seem to let go of this doormat mentality to show them that he can be successfully stood up to. I hate myself, just like he does.
Think of your daughter, children are very perceptive and will detect the slightest emotions and disdain in an environment. Your daughter will learn from your actions and when she grows up, I am sure you do not wish for her to be in anything but healthy friendships or relationships.
You must find the strength to leave this abuser for yourself, your future, your daughter and your daughters future.
As long as you remain in this unhealthy relationship, a truly loving person will never be able to show you what a real loving relationship is all about. However, when you do leave this person, I would suggest you take time out for yourself and your daughter to heal, grow and learn. After all, if we never learn from history, it is doomed to repeat itself.
I have gone through almost 2 years of trying to get a divorce while living in the same house - it can be done, I wouldn't recommend it but it can be done.
We went to marriage guidance because he insisted and looking back now I can see it was just stalling tactics, but I didn't want him to be able to say to people that I threw the marriage away without trying to save it. It was dead in the water, it was only him who couldn't see it.
Prior to getting a solicitor I had been called names, he never laid a hand on me, never hit me, but I was called a witch, the bitch wife from hell, told I had ruined his life and other events - HIS holidays, HIS days out, it was never our events, always his.
I have been told to F off, F off out of his sight, I'm an embarrassment, he told his own daughter she was too stupid to get anywhere in life and would end up stacking shelves in a supermarket. All in private, NEVER in front of other people.
When we first got together he really was "too good to be true" but once I moved in with him he started to change, nothing major, just little niggles that I couldn't put my finger on, I began to think I was crazy, I must be because he never spoke to other people the way he often spoke to me, so I thought I must be what he said I was and that everyone else who had ever known me must have been too scared to tell me I was a crazy bitch.
Its only become crystal clear in the past 3-4 years that its not me but him. Oh yes Mr Nice Guy comes back now and again, says nice things or does something nice, but he can't keep it up, he goes back to his normal behaviour and Mr Nasty appears again.
He spent 2 hours on the phone yesterday to his mobile phone provider, ranting and raving, raised voice, ordering the person at the other end of the phone to get their manager, he was going to cancel his contract, cancel the bank paying it, then changed his mind as they offered him some free calls, he uses that phone for about 5 minutes a month so he is paying a huge amount for those 5 minutes, I had to put my fingers in my mouth to stop from laughing, he was so ridiculous and I hoped the person at the other end of the phone would hang up on him. I told him he could have gone to the bank, spent 2 minutes and got it cancelled, but he preferred to spend 2 whole hours talking to about 6 or 7 people and repeating the whole story to each one. What an idiot.
Bottom line for anyone, Mr Nice Guy (or Nice Woman) appears now and again, either they forget to not be nice or its part of the plan when they see you not being attentive to them, they might lose you, it doesn't last, its impossible for them to keep up the "Nice" part because ITS AN ACT, its not natural or normal for them, the vindictive, name calling, swearing, that's the real them.
I woke up after all these years and realised I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like shit, having to walk on eggshells and changing my behaviour so as not to "set him off", cleaning up his mess, watching him get blind drunk at weddings and events just because he can drink more than anyone I have ever met, being the drunkest person in the room or venue, what do I need that crap for, my daughter doesn't need it either.
I am really hoping to be "OUT" by the summer, my daughter has been to the local child and adolescent mental health service because she was self harming due to her father's treatment of her, the name calling and swearing and being told she was stupid, she attends counselling once a week and the local youth counselling service, she has counselling at college too, He can't see why she needs to go as He is incapable of understanding that it was his treatment of her that made her self harm.
They never change, they never will change, so best thing is to get out and stay out, run if you have to but just get out and don't look back.
When you have been kept in the dark about hubands investments, pay, and all how do you KNOW what you can ask for or how to bargin, or how to protect yourself. I considered myself pretty smart, I tried to find out. The places where husband worked police/military aren't very cooperative. They see you as the enemy. It is "mob mentality" against the wife. They protect the employee, it is a brotherhood. I am out more than I can ever hope to pay back just getting a temp order. Husband is in contempt over and over...give them MORE money. All credit. Can't find or keep a job and take care of home and raise young daughter AND run after husband and be told by attorney, keep kissing his and ex's a and just be a "good girl"...while you go deeper and deeper into despair, and frantically try to run faster than an old woman can (me 58, now). I am so bitter, resentful and ANGRY...how does this happen? I got an attorney and now I have to keep THEM happy too, and watch the abusive liar manipulate all this to his favor too. It is too much. Oh, he wants his guns, WHAT? Give him his guns too. For real? No wonder this is a problem in our society.
Husband lies, says he will settle debts, but won't...seperated a year and I am worse off, and taking care of husband who lives the life of riley and has NO worries. Otherwise, I guess I will get nothing after thirty five years of 'support" and home front duty. how did that happen?
Men are *stereotypically* bread-winners, protectors, and aggressive. Until an abuser knows how to push his specific buttons, they would probably call them "weak" or "sorry providers (?)" or "wimps" or tell them they're horrible lovers. The abuser would attack his manhood, the essence of what the victim considers the definition of a "man" to be. All abusers go for what HURTS the INDIVIDUAL the most, and that theme is the same no matter what the gender or sexual orientation of either the abuser or the abused.
I think you should decide what your husband must do to prove he is changing. Words mean nothing - you must see absolute life changes before you can trust him. Things like attending AA meetings, finding a therapist (for himself, not a marriage counselor) and apologizing to you FOR REAL. Here's a hint: If an apology sounds like this, "I am so sorry for hurting you Cynthia, BUT..." It doesn't matter what follows the "but" because the "but" means an excuse for his behavior will follow. He must take responsibility for himself and his actions. <a href="http://www.amazon.com/s/?_encoding=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&field-keywords=the%20verbally%20abusive%20man%20can%20he%20change&index=blended&linkCode=ur2&tag=verbabusjou02-20" rel="nofollow">The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change? by Patricia Evans</a> is a great book for you to read. It will help you figure out what to look for when an abuser says they will change. Your library should have it.