Leaving An Abusive Relationship: Why Can’t I Just Leave?

I live in a foreign country & don't know how to leave my live in boyfriend, who exactly fits the description of an abuser. I didn't know it until I wept at some of the descriptions.
There are no women's abuse groups where I live, certainly no shelters. What do I do????? Whenever I think of leaving him I cry.

There is a reason why we cant leave our abusers....it's called Love Addiction. I had to do some research to find out why I get sick when my boyfriend threatens to leave me. I can't eat, sleep, or even think straight when he tells me that he no longer wants to be with me(which is like every other day). I literally feel like I go into withdrawl symptoms when we're not together....the pain is so unbearable that I always call him begging him to take me back, even though I know that i'm not the problem. It started out wonderful, I thought he was my soulmate. He told me how much he loved me, wanted to marry me, and he wanted me to have his baby. Well Mr. Wonderful had me fooled for a whole year. He asked me to get his name tattoed on me(yes i did it

Im going through it now. First, the verbal abuse and now I'm being threatened that if I call the police he will kill me before they get here. He has to control my every move every second of the day. I have no power, and if I even give my daughter (his stepdaughter) permission to go to her friends house for an hour, he freaks out and days she has to go through him, not me. He calls us bitched, vermin, dirty animals. Im losing my mind. His mother won't talk to me anymore because she expects me to make excuses for his behavior like she does. You know--because he is her son. I will tell you one thing--my son will never be like this. I won't allow it. Im saving up for divorce as we speak. I deserve better than this. I make all of the money, pay all of the bills. He hords his money from his measly $9an hour job (which I filled out his application because he won't do it by himself). I make more than he does and do well. Maybe thats why he gets crazy. I dont care. He has tried taking my phone away, I have lost all of my friends. I am scared. Because I will have to learn how to make new ones after he leaves. Yes, he will leave. The police will end up giving him a ride. I will be looking over my shoulder as he has threatened to kill us when he would get out. But nobody will be calling me a bitch in my own home after he is gone.

Green Pixie you just described my life. I have rented a house and have most everything in place to go and I am terrified that I will stay. No physical abuse , but subtle threats, constant insinuations that I am lying or cheating, unrealistic anger, constant negativity. He can be very nice, says I love you and thank you for dinner and asks about my day but I realize those are just words, there is no intention behind them, no partnership, no compassion. He is not there when I accomplish things, when a relative dies, when I am having a bad day...he can't be, I think he is incapable of being a partner. He has such rage and anger, over what I have no clue but I am tired of the roller coaster, the anxiety, the trying to be better so he will be happy. I can't fix him...but I can't seem to get past the guilt and the pain I think he will feel when I leave, boy that's sick... I can't get past his imagined pain. I guess I need to work on fixing me.

I am in an emotional, verbal and on occasions physically abusive relationship and I want so desperately to leave but just can't find the strength to do it. My husband has threatened me with knives, beer glasses, his fists, threatened suicide, cheated on me with prostitutes and escorts and called me the most hurtful things imaginable. He flies off the handle for the smallest things and makes me feel constantly on edge. I began 2014 with the resolution that I did not want to waste another year of my life in this situation, yet here I am in November and what has changed?
I have been seeing a therapist for almost a year now, and the support helps, yet I find it hard to truly open up about my situation. Maybe it's shame or embarrassment, or maybe I just don't want to admit that the man I fell in love with, the man who I thought was my soul mate, who would always protect me is actually the one who has hurt me and frightened me more than anyone I have ever known.
This blog has really hit at the heart of how I am feeling and what I have been going through. I am sorry to hear that anyone else is going through this heartache, yet at the same time it gives me strength to know that I am not alone.
I hope that 2015 brings us all the strength we need to move forward with our lives and to break out of the cycle of abuse.

My husband has been abusing me for many years. I want to leave him so badly but i cant leave because my son is autistic and My son and I have some health issues. I need money for my child treatment. He said if our relationship is over, he will never take care of our child and he never iur child again. My life is shit!

Anonmys from october 23. Put your children in the car and drive to the nearest battered womans shelter andNEVER LOOK BACK. Save yourself and your kids. You are dying a slow death and the children are suffering with you. Move change your number. And your name. Reinvent yourself

Reason 1. In the beginning ,As an 18 year old immigrant leaving behind all family friends & support I never had to financial means or transport to hop back on a 12 hour plane ride when the physical violence began. i knew something wasnt right when we eloped and when the ceremony was over he walked out of the service with out saying a word. The minister was mortified and make a comment of what person leaves their young bride at the aisle without holding their hand and walking in togetherness. The fact that he was swallowing vicoden like candies and giving them to me too to "make me feel better," made every thing blurry and less painful. i see it CLEARY now.
Reason 2. I can't now leave my job my car my pets my possessions apt etc. Ive worked so hard to get my visa permits SS # enrolled in college. Done everything legit. All the while being lazy stupid worthless crazy pathetic disgusting ugly white trash. Underminig. Gas lighting. Crazy making. Mirroring. Traumatic bonding. Multiple dometic violence arrests from neighbor calling the police. Why wasn't I ever offered a dv shelter ? A restraining order? Any kind of programme ? Follow up from the police report? Being cut off from people. Literally not having a place to run and hide for me was obviously his game from the beginning.
Reason 3. Now. My children. My preemie tiny son from the stress of the constant cheating lying stds ,debilitating aggravation. Verbal assaults that are really from the bottom of a black dead souless reptile cold blooded sub human. now I have no job. No financial power. No child minder. Still no parents. Zero family. Afraid of my young children goibg to a dv home. Taking government money. Low income housing. Food stamps. Wic. Afraid to take a the plunge. Because really isn't he "such a nice , giving, hard working man who supported your life and gave up everything for you", with all the charm, fake plastic smiles, mirroring and emotional intelligence as your typical American psycho / sociopath.

here I am 65 yrs old and realize I hate my husband, who I have left control my every move, and verbally abuse me daily. I am a miserable old lady, who wish I had the balls to go, but no money, and where too? I am afraid of him, I know what he can do, people don't realize my situation, or maybe they do since my whole family has been dysfunctional. so read this younger women, and think this could be you one day, get out before your 65.

I tried to leave him,got a order of protection.But he called me saying he's so sad.I felt like how can I go on.I moved to another state w him n dnt know anyone here but him.I felt lonely,isolated.As crazy as this may sound I was happy he was sad n missed me
I really shouldve stood firm n not went back.I have no real support from family.They have no clue what's been happening.

Thank you so much for this article.
GREEN PIXIE - you said everything I could never put into words. I am in a 21 year marriage, and have been controlled, accused, and treated as though I've always had to prove who I am as a woman. I have checked out of my marriage emotionally...I just need to find the strength and courage to get out for good and be happy while I am still young. I have faith I will do this soon. I would love to talk to other women that are in the same situation. I feel it would be very therapeutic and empowering.

I'm a battered mother who has been in a abusive relationship for almost 13 yrs been married for 4.Yes we have kids together, three,8,4,3.Yes you can say I've been busy.My life started when I first meet him.He was the most charming man ever until he first hit me.Yes I though it would stop after the first time but it didn't it got worse.He tells me I'm shit I don't deserve to be alive he wish I die.And I still stay.Plenty nights he keep me and my kids up wanting to fuss about him thinking I like the next door neighbors.SMH!!! The landlord,The man at the store my child football coach yes the list goes on.And I forgot to say he drinks and when he drinks he start accusing me off crazy stuff.Many times my kids wakes up 2,3 in the mourning because he lost something he miss places during his episode of his drinking.I remember one night he said I peed on him while he was sleep he was just that drunk.He hit me,spite on me,slap me and pour beer on me and I still stay.Why???? I feel so alone my sister moved 4 hours away,my brother stay 4 hour away my mom had back ans hip surgery.I really don't have help I'm not living off the government so its hard to find somewhere to.stay and pay for daycare if I leave.He took me and the room one night and choke. Mr until where I could not breath but God spared my life the police got call. plenty times and I didn't want him to go to jail so I lied to cover it up can somebody please listen to me and help me overcome this faze in my life!!!! Its all a dream right that's not happened to me. I want the picture perfect life but instead I got the road to hell!!!SMH :(

My tears wont stop while reading this article.Im in abusive marriage for years.verbal and physical.where couple of times I was thinking of killing myself.I caught my husband cheating on meany times and even we are together he still do it.He never think of me.He is a military and coz of my love for him i give up my job and stayed as house wife.For 5 yrs of marriage all he do is cheat lie say bad things to tear me down and afterwards beated me.I want to get some help from authority but knowing he will get in trouble everytime Im telling him I will talk to his commander he is threatening of killing me.I love my husband but i see tht he never love me...I need help...

I am 17, which is pretty young. My mother was in an abusive relationship with a man for 12 years. I grew up with it. I learned to hate it. I told myself I would never let it happen to me. I was wrong. I like this article because it presents a side to the story that people don't often understand. Everyone says, "Just leave," as if it were the easiest thing in the world. It's not. I care so deeply about him, that I worry what he would do if I left him. He has threatened to hurt himself and so I run back to him. I don't want to be in the relationship, but I don't want him any worse off than he is. I don't know what to do. I'm stuck and I'm young. We haven't been together for long and he says he wants to propose. The idea scares me terribly, but I missed him so much that I said yes. (He had left to basic training) Now I'm afraid to tell him that I am not ready. I'm afraid of the side of him I like to forget. I don't know. I feel really stuck. If only it were easy, right?

I really like your blog this was very eye-opening for me. I am in a relationship that is abusive and I am really confused. Sometimes I don't know what to do. But this viewpoint really got me thinking and I appreciate you for writing something so real and raw and something that a woman in my shoes can relate to. Because these situations are very hard to understand unless you live it/ or live past it.

I meet a guy 5 years ago who I had fallen in love with but the first 2years were a complete lie. He lived and dated other women and lied to them about me. I know this was a sign to leave but I couldn't help it, he loved more than any man had loved me....well I thought at the time. So as time went on the truth of he doulble life came out. We fought a lot from verbal to physical. We even had two children together. So now the physical abuse has stopped but now verbal is an on going thing and his threats to hurt me continued. He says mean and nasty words to me and is always throwing my past in my face I just can't believe I'm with someone like this. Im starting to be like him in defense. I've noticed I've changed and I hate myself because I've let someone so evil effect me. He

When we first met he used the tactic of making me feel sorry for him. He was sick with COPD and a slow type of cancer (so he said), and was broke and needed a place to stay. I took him in and cared for him and helped him get well and find a job. He was so grateful and sweet and for a while everything was fine. But then, gradually, I noticed he began to change and gain power over me. He took over my house, my time, and even tried to take over my finances. Luckily I didn't let that happen. Then, he started telling me I "wasn't thinking right" - belittling me, manipulating me, and now he has isolated me from all my friends. He gets angry and yells obscenities at me. He throws things and has tantrums. I want to throw him out of my place, but now I'm scared what he will do. I found out he has a history of violence. He has a gun here in the house. I think maybe I should get rid of the gun first, an then tell him to leave. I know when he finds out I got rid of the gun, he will go berserk. I am so scared.

Please leave, as hard as it seems. I have been through a similar experience for past 5 years. Loved the man and he did not treat me right by any means. I ended up leaving and it was unbearably hard. You have to read on violence and abuse of women and educate yourself on how to spot and avoid abusers. Everytime you wish to call him or go back, you need to watch videos or read messages from abused women, it empowers you. It has been a year and I have finally regained my life, and it is definitely possible to be free. I am not even thinking of ever looking back. You need support from anywhere you can get it, and don't be ashamed to ask for it.

How can you "love" someone that so obviously hates you. I'd rather him beat me daily then to make me feel so worthless. I asked him if I'd ever be good enough for him and his response was to ask myself that. Man of my dreams is now the star of my nightmares.....hard to let go when I'm so desperately wanting someone to love me for who I am.

I think i abuse my boyfriend. I dont know why i do it. I truly love him and dont want to hurt him. But dont know how to stop myself.

I dont know where to start except. That im scared to leave we never had issues until we lost everything. Money home cars and he says its all my fault he began to hit me about two years ago sometines i get brave enough to talk back when there is people around and then i catch myself and i know its best to shut my mouth i know in my heart that he will never stop my son has seen it and yet i stay because im scared i know that if i could one day have the courage. To leave me and my son will be just fine

I'm 27 yrs old and I've been putting up with my husband since I was 16 I don't know anything else but him. So it scares me to leave I've never worked in my life I got to small kids and I can't seem to leave them so I can work and plus he doesn't let me anyways.this really helps to have someone understand what I'm going through I can't leave him because my children love their dad and he's a good father don't get me wrong. I can't leave because of my children that's my reason but inside I'm screaming to get out.

Green Pixie and at, I am in the exact same boat as well... thank you for writing this so clearly.

what do you do when you are in an extremely physically and mentally abusive relationship where the man doesn't care if you leave and you are desperately hanging on just wanting to be loved and accepted by him? or maybe he actually will flip out if you leave and his method of keeping you is to make you feel like he doesn't care about you and you are worthless and have to constantly fight for his approval. maybe that's his tactic. when i started dating him, he saved me from an abusive relationship. it took me almost a year to open up to him but he kept telling me every day what a beautiful human being i was and how i deserved to be loved and spoiled and he told me every day that it was ok to love him and that he wouldn't hurt me. eventually i believed him. he made me feel so safe. i eventually discovered that he is very bipolar and at times i believe he is a sociopath. he has stabbed me with a tv antenna, puched me in my neck twice, once so hard that he blew out my eardrum, stabbed himself in his arm to the bone in front of me and my children with plans to kill us both but he stopped because the children were witnesses, he has choked me, punched me, broken a chair over my head, punched me repeatedly in the stomach until i vomited, drop kicked me onto pavement, and said unimaginable things that would make any human being feel so worthless that they contemplate ending their own life because their feeling of self worth has been brought down to zero. how do you leave a man that you love so much that when you do have little break ups, you lose 10 lbs in 6 days from the devistating heart break and have to see a doctor because you can't even hold down water? how do you rationalize loving someone with every ounce of your soul when they are so horrible to you? how do you not question your own sanity for feeling this way? he is very very calculating and manipulative, he almost reminds me of charles manson with the way he can make you believe anything he wants you to believe even though you know in your heart it's not the truth. why is it that my fear of the pain i will endure if i lose him is stronger than my fear for my life? i feel like i am desensotized and i'm just riding the wave until he eventually kils me. he tells me almost every day that he wants me to die and he wants to kill me and has urges to cut my belly open and play with my organs. how do you even cope with something like that being said to you? i think it is just so unbelievable to me that the man i have loved for 8 years and have known for almost 20 years is actually that crazy so i just disregard the things he says because i can't begin fathom him actually being serious when he says things like that. he hid that side of him very well for years. he told me his soul purpose of making me fall inlove with him was so he could break me down and destroy me because he felt as though i had rejected him once when we were younger. i have continued living this insane torturous life with him for so long that it has robbed all of my hope, energy, and dreams in life. i feel like my life is worth nothing and that i will die and my children will be without a mother, yet i have absolutely no strength and no desire to leave him. he said he read books on how to make a woman fall inlove with you so that he could make me fall head over heels just so he could hurt me. my head tells me this is very wrong but my heart won't allow me to let him go and i just can't make sense of it. he can be so good when he wants to be, the sex is amazing and he can make so many promises and have me convinced that if i prove myself to be worthy, he will be good to me. i find myself constantly giving and trying and loving him with everything in me that i have nothing left for myself, my family, or my children. i need help but how do i get help when i can't help myself. how do i leave when i am so terrified of the pain i will feel when he is gone? i desperately hold on to the good moments because i know they don't last long and i have myself convinced that the suffering i endure in this relationship is less than the pain i endure when he leaves. we had split up for 3 years at one point and the second he showed back up on my doorstep, all the feelings came back and i was back inlove or what i think is love anyway. i can't get over him, i have tried and tried but all it takes is to see his face one time and i'm back to where i started. how do you end such a toxic, dangerous relationship? how do you break free from something like this? i feel like no matter what happens, he wins and i lose. if i leave, i will be the broken one and he will just move on with someone else without even flinching and i will just be left alone with no one. please someone tell me what to do!

Green pixie you explain the way I feel so perfectly I feel the same way.

I want to leave. I have divorce papers ready to be filed. The trouble is he is not letting me go. He is doing everything he can to keep me. I feel like he locked himself in and now refuses to let go. I've experienced everything from him crying, begging, pleading, threatening to take his own life to now being the "model" husband and father. He knows I don't want to involve the police and expose that situation to my children. Especially considering he has said that he will "make" the police shoot him. So now what?

Thank you for this article and for your supportive, non-judgemental approach. It has only "dawned" on me recently -much to my surprise and horror- that my partner could possibly be abusive. Previously, I was fairly judgemental of people who stayed with abusive partners but now I can understand just how complex, confusing and difficult it can be to leave an abusive situation.
My own experience is that leaving can be so very difficult because:
* Sometimes emotional abuse is very difficult to identify and even name. Some abuse is so subtle and "clever" that people may not even realise it's abusive (myself included). It can just be that sickening feeling deep down that something is wrong and feeling terribly upset/distressed by certain behaviours or words from your partner but you can't think straight or even articulate WHY you feel this way.
* Abusive people can be highly intelligent and convincing in their arguments so that you do really end up believing the problem is YOU and that the difficulties in the relationship are due to your own issues, faults and failings. Therefore, you keep trying to make things better, "work" on the relationship and "improve" yourself etc.
* It is still possible to truly CARE about the person who is abusive (though maybe this is an illusion?). He obviously has some deep issues and as a compassionate person, I can see his pain and find it hard not to want to help him, even if he sometimes deeply hurts or frightens me.
* These relationships overall are very "difficult", taxing and draining. I can feel so engulfed by my relationship and all its complexities that I don't even have the energy to begin to do all the things necessary to leave (finding a new house, buying a car, getting a different job and whatever else...)
* My partner CAN be incredibly sweet, caring and look after me well. We DO have some fun/interesting/nice times together. So when abusive behaviour does happen, it is so disorientating, confusing and almost surreal that I am paralysed by shock and disbelief. When things go back to "normal" and he is being sweet again, it almost feels like it never happened so I deny or lessen it in my mind or start to believe, "perhaps I am the crazy one" (overreacting, imagining things, being too sensitive, being "forgetful" etc - as he has suggested).
* You do just feel SO alone when awful things happen and "paralysed" as to where to go or what to do so it can feel like the best/easiest thing is simply to stay, try not to say or do anything to "set them off" again and simply hope things improve.
Reading blogs and information like this is so helpful in feeling less alone; in feeling less "crazy"; that perhaps it's not ME and that it's not my fault I've ended up in this situation. I am not going to beat myself up for choosing to stay for now. I do hope to have the strength and courage to leave if/when the time is right and if things don't change. Until then, I will definitely try to use your suggestions to lessen the impact of any abusive behaviours/words that may occur and to use this time in my life to become a stronger person.