My name is Kris McElroy, and I am the new author of the Dissociative Living blog. I received a diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder (DID) in 2013 when I was 28 years old. Since then, I have been navigating the complexities of living with DID, especially in relation to parenting, coexisting with alters, professional pursuits, and interpersonal relationships. I aspire to foster a shared understanding through the exchange of our experiences as we navigate the journey of dissociative living together.

Kris McElroy's Diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder

My mental health journey began during my freshman year of college, a decade prior to receiving my diagnosis. I navigated through a tumultuous period marked by numerous diagnoses, more than 30 medications, cycles through various treatment programs, and the persistent struggle to establish lasting stability. As my understanding of dissociative identity disorder (DID) deepened, it became apparent that, although formally diagnosed at 28, I had been contending with symptoms and living with the condition since childhood, stemming from chronic severe trauma.

My initial encounter with DID unfolded within the confines of a psychiatric office situated in a hospital's psychiatric unit. Experiencing disorientation, confusion, and fear, I found myself there without clarity regarding the events of the preceding three days, providing conflicting personal details to different staff members. These episodes were growing in frequency, each occurrence leaving me unsettled. A DID diagnosis was determined during my stay in the general inpatient unit, leading to my transfer to the trauma disorders inpatient treatment program.

The subsequent three years were dedicated to active participation in a specialized dissociative disorders trauma program and intensive therapeutic intervention. During this period, I applied for and was granted social security disability, sought support for independent living, and strategically distanced myself from sources of trauma. My primary focus shifted towards grounding, crisis management, and engaging in internal family systems work.

Learn more about me and my goals for Dissociative Living in this video:

Dissociative Living is Possible for Kris McElroy

Most days, when I wake up, I still can't believe how far I've come living with DID. I've been a volunteer for two years. My wife and I will soon be celebrating our four-year wedding anniversary together. I am a parent to an amazing three-year-old. I have re-entered the traditional workforce and have been holding down a small part-time job for almost a year. My alters and I are still learning to work together by attending weekly therapy sessions to continue growing our communication and widening our window of tolerance. We are in this together, taking it one moment at a time.

Verbal abuse can affect many areas of life, including your view of body image and diet. Because this abusive tactic targets your self-esteem, experiencing negative comments about your weight can directly impact how you manage food consumption. In short, verbal abuse can affect your diet choices.

Although I've managed to maintain an average size most of my life, there were times when I was overweight. During these periods, I was vulnerable to remarks I received about my body.

Verbal Abuse Can Alter Your Self-Image and Diet Choices

Some comments were purposely hurtful, while others came from individuals who were not verbally abusive and had good intentions. However, my heightened anxiety made me more sensitive to any mention of my size or food. They included ones like these:

• Are you still running every day? (I thought they were saying I looked like I had stopped exercising and was out of shape.)
• There's only enough food for everyone to have one plate. (I thought they were saying I would eat too much.)
• Are you having chips for lunch? (I thought they were judging my food choices.)
• Do you know how many calories are in that? (I thought they were saying I looked like I should have restricted my calorie intake.)
• I could never eat that stuff. It's too sweet for me. (I thought they were saying my food choices were not healthy.)

Although these individuals may have just been trying to strike up a conversation, my history of verbal abuse continued to affect my reactions. The way my brain processes comments can be exaggerated, creating more anxiety and a lower sense of self-worth. 

Healing from Verbal Abuse Changes Dietary Choices

It can be challenging to move on from verbal abuse when you're sensitive to topics like your weight or food choices. I've realized that I can control what I eat, even if I can't control someone's behavior. For some individuals, developing an eating disorder might be one way to combat the verbal abuse they've received regarding their size. 

Unfortunately, I've taken drastic measures in the past to try and lose weight and limit my diet when I thought I was too heavy. After years of therapy and proper dietary coaching, I've realized that there are healthier ways to manage my food consumption without beating myself up about it. 

A few strategies I've used to keep those negative feelings at bay while struggling with my weight were: 

• Drinking a full glass of water before every meal
• Putting my fork down between bites
• Increasing my fruit and vegetable intake
• Monitoring my daily activity
• Allowing myself to enjoy small treats in moderation

I still struggle with that voice in my head that mimics the verbal abuse around diet I had received. When I overindulge in unhealthy foods, I have to push away thoughts surrounding my lack of self-control. I can hear my abusers from the past mocking me for taking another piece of cake, but I'm slowly getting better. 

If you find it challenging to follow a healthy diet because of sustained verbal abuse, you aren't alone. Getting the support you need is vital to building better habits and improved self-worth. 

Schizoaffective anxiety and recovering from surgery are a particularly bad combination. Yesterday, I was picking up some packages from the mail room. The mailroom is down a flight of stairs from our apartment. Only one package of four free COVID tests would fit in my tote bag, so I had to carry the other one by hand. I have a system for getting the mail on such occasions since I just had double knee surgery, and it’s hard for me to get up and down stairs. Schizoaffective anxiety in recovery makes it harder because I'm scared.

My system is that I use my cane in one hand, and I hold onto the railing with the other. The tote bag is so that I can put the mail in it but still hold onto the banister.

Well, since I had an extra package in my hand, it was hard—but not impossible—to hold onto the railing. So, despite my schizoaffective anxiety, I decided to take a chance and go up the stairs with everything.

All seemed well at first. But as I got closer to the top of the stairs, I felt scared. I don’t know if this was my schizoaffective anxiety kicking in. It was almost as if I could feel all the stairs below me breathing up my back. I was so afraid I would fall. I was terrified when I had to take my hand off the railing to reach up as I progressed up the stairs. Finally, I got to the top of the stairs. Right before I got there, I threw the package I was holding in my hand into the hallway that led to my door. What a relief.

My Coping Skills for Schizoaffective Anxiety During Recovery

I was shaken about my surgical recovery after that because of my schizoaffective anxiety. Luckily, I had a glass of ice water on the table and Scarlet’s Walk by Tori Amos in the CD player. I tried to calm myself down with that, but finally, I needed to take a tranquilizer prescribed for anxiety. I also had a chocolate from a box that was a Christmas gift. Then I put on a ring that comforts me because it’s from my great aunt who passed away, and I ate a small serving of apple sauce. It took a lot of ritual to carry that one extra package.

My psychiatric nurse practitioner and I are working on lowering how much of the tranquilizer I take in one day. I’ve already gone from three pills a day to two. Other than that, I just wish I didn’t turn to food for my schizoaffective anxiety during recovery. That’s why music is so important to me—listening to music takes the edge off, and Scarlet’s Walk is one of my go-to albums for when I need to calm down. Hopefully, in the future, I won’t need to rely on tranquilizers or food when my schizoaffective anxiety acts up.

One of the most significant symptoms of anxiety that I have struggled with has been hypervigilance. Hypervigilance pertains to being on guard and alert for threats in the environment and may result in engaging in behavior with the purpose of preventing danger.¹

Unfortunately, though, I've noticed that this hypervigilance has taken many forms. For example, it has pertained to being on the constant lookout for things that are of physical danger in the environment. But this has also pertained to being extremely sensitive to my environment and those around me. It has also related to feeling as though I have to tiptoe around other people, watching what I say, do, or how I behave, for fear that I may be judged by others.

Additionally, it has led to overthinking, feeling like something bad is going to happen, and, at times, withdrawing from those in my environment. Because being around others has led to heightened anxiety and that constant feeling of something being wrong, the oversensitivity can be exhausting. As a result, isolating from others becomes appealing in order to avoid having to feel that overwhelming level of discomfort that comes from anxiety and hypervigilance.

How to Cope with Hypervigilance and Anxiety

Over time, I have worked on my anxiety and hypervigilance as I realized it has, in the past, led to not taking advantage of opportunities, both personally and professionally. Through years of working on this and continuing to work on it, I've found that the following strategies have been helpful:

1. I've acknowledged and accepted this is part of who I am and the anxiety I struggle with. Being aware of anxiety and hypervigilance, instead of trying to avoid it, was the first step in successfully coping.
2. I've identified situations that seem to trigger my hypervigilance and anxiety. By doing so, I can be mindful of specific strategies to use in these situations. For example, I know that being in the middle of chaotic situations can be a trigger. Therefore, I will often try to avoid being in this type of environment.
3. I've found deep breathing and mindfulness both help to calm my nervous system. Deep breathing helps to slow my heart rate, and mindfulness helps me to ground myself in the present moment. 
4. I've noticed practicing self-care has been instrumental in building my resilience in challenging situations in which I might experience hypervigilance and anxiety. This includes sleeping well, eating well, and regular exercise.
5. I have continuously worked on managing my emotional reactivity because my hypervigilance often involves fear and other strong emotions. Sometimes, this involves attempting to shift my perspective or viewing things in a logical, objective manner.

These are strategies that have been helpful for me in coping with hypervigilance. In the video below, I discuss these strategies. If there are techniques that you use that are helpful for you, please share them in the comments below.

Source

1. Burgess, L. (2017, September 7). Hypervigilance: What you need to know. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/319289

For the longest time, I felt something was wrong with me for being an introvert. While most kids my age loved noisy parties and socializing, I preferred quiet one-on-one conversations and the company of books. In tenth grade, when an unimaginative bully called me "boring," I took her jibe to heart. It took me a couple of years to realize she was dead wrong. I am not boring; I am an introvert. And there is nothing wrong with being an introvert. 

Introversion Is a Personality Type, Not a Choice

According to SimplyPsychology, 

"Introverts and extroverts are two contrasting personality types, introduced in 1910 by Carl Gustav Jung, existing as part of a continuum with each personality type at separate ends of the scale. Introverts prefer solitude and find energy in alone time, while extroverts thrive on social interaction and seek external stimulation."¹

As the above definition indicates, introverts and extroverts are polar opposites. While introverts feel relaxed in small social settings, extroverts prefer big groups of people. While introverts recharge by spending time alone, extroverts feel lonely and drained when they are by themselves. I know this because I am an introvert who knows a couple of extroverts, and it never fails to surprise me how much we differ.

Introversion is a personality type, and personality is determined by one's genetics and their environment. Before I turned 11, I was an extroverted child. I loved being around people and always needed to be in the spotlight. Then, anxiety and bullying turned me into an introvert. When depression entered my life at 13, the transformation became permanent. And today, at 33, I remain an introvert. Are there days when I want to change into an extrovert? Yes, there are. The world is built for extroverts, after all. But these days are few and far between. For the most part, I have accepted who I am -- and so should you. Watch the video below to learn how I accepted myself for being an introvert.

Being an Introvert Is Normal, and You Shouldn't Hide It  

Society perpetuates extroverts as the ideal personality type, which is why we introverts often feel like misfits. But think about it: the world needs listeners/introverts as much as it needs speakers/extroverts. Plus, nobody should have to pretend to be someone they are not. If you are an introvert, please do not put on the mask of an extrovert to fit in. I have never done this myself, but I have read horror stories of introverts who had to deal with fatigue, anxiety, mood swings, loneliness, and even depression -- all because they spent years pretending to be extroverts. Instead of trying to pass as an extrovert, why not focus on your strengths being an introvert? Like I said, there is nothing wrong with being an introvert. Own it. 

Source

1. MSc, O. G. (2023). Introvert vs. Extrovert Personality: Signs, Theories, & Differences. Simply Psychology. https://www.simplypsychology.org/introvert-extrovert.html

I fell into habit tracking because in a world that is constantly changing, having clearly defined action steps is comforting. I’m able to trick my mind into creating a productive routine that feels more like a game than a chore. Sticking to healthy routines has a tremendously positive impact on my mental health, and it’s never been easier to do because I found a way that I enjoy. (Who doesn’t like the feeling of being able to check off boxes?)

What Is Habit Tracking and What Do I Track?

Habit tracking is exactly what it sounds like. Select a few tasks to do daily, and then track each day that they are accomplished by creating a grid or chart that labels each day of the week and the tasks selected. Progress and trends can be tracked over days, weeks, and, in my case, even years.

It’s overwhelming to decide what to track, and there are so many small habits that can improve your mental health. There are physical and nutritional goals, self-care acts, social needs, and more.

I start simple and choose tasks that will improve my headspace. I know when I don’t get enough sleep, my anxiety and depression symptoms are heightened, so I try to get at least seven hours of sleep. I know meditating helps me relax, so I track what days I meditate.

How to Habit Track

There are several ways to habit track. It can be done online, in a journal, in a spreadsheet, or whatever seems to work.

Mine is tracked online, and here’s how I have set that up:

Using Habit Tracking to Create Goals

After tracking for weeks and months, trends start to appear. As an example, let’s say I want to meditate four times a week, but I haven’t hit that goal in a month. No problem -- I will lower that goal to three times a week.

The point is to make weekly and monthly goals feel doable, not intimidating. If I start to see that I’ve hit the goal repeatedly and don’t have to put much thought into it, I’ve successfully made it part of my routine and can stop tracking. For example, I stopped tracking taking my medication when I started doing it automatically.

Things to Keep in Mind While Habit Tracking

Habit tracking should be helpful, not hurtful. It’s easy to try to take on too much, so it’s important to stick to doable tasks and focus on only a few at a time that are going to be helpful for mental illness recovery.

I miss tracking days all the time; It’s not a big deal. Sometimes, I’ll even miss weeks of tracking, and that is okay. I remind myself that this tool should be helping me recover, not making it harder, and it’s okay to take a break.

Habit tracking is a great way to feel accomplishment and pave the way to recovery, but it needs to be done in a way that is mindful and comfortable. When done successfully, it can help create a routine that makes recovery easier and more entertaining.

In my life, embracing setbacks has been a recurring theme. Setbacks are the unexpected twists in my mental health journey. Embracing setbacks has been a transformative experience, prompting me to reconsider their nature and my response to them. 

Embrace Setbacks by Redefining Them

One crucial strategy in embracing setbacks lies in how we choose to understand them. Rather than viewing setbacks as inherently negative, I have found it more useful to see them as detours challenging our expectations. These unexpected turns become opportunities for self-reflection, urging me to reevaluate my expectations and grow through the process. 

I continually remind myself that I lack complete control over life's unfolding events. By embracing the uncertainty and acknowledging that situations may not align with my initial expectations, I have learned to navigate setbacks with resilience. This shift in perspective has enabled me to embrace setbacks as integral parts of the larger journey rather than disruptions to my path. 

A Perspective Shift to Embrace Setbacks

In my journey, setbacks have evolved into stepping stones for personal growth. Seemingly negative turns of events have, in many instances, led to positive outcomes later on. This shift in perspective has allowed me to appreciate the intricate and unpredictable nature of life, fostering adaptability and a positive mindset. 

Setbacks, far from being solely adversarial, possess the power to humble us. They serve as reminders of life's complexity, emphasizing that our individual narratives are merely small threads in the grand tapestry of existence. This humility has become a grounding force, encouraging me to approach challenges with openness and a genuine willingness to learn. 

Moreover, embracing setbacks has instilled in me the importance of resilience. Navigating through difficult times has consistently strengthened my mental and emotional fortitude. Each setback faced has contributed to building a foundation of resilience, empowering me to confront future challenges with newfound confidence. 

In conclusion, I encourage others on similar journeys to consider embracing setbacks as inevitable and transformative components of the path to self-esteem and mental health recovery. By understanding setbacks as detours rather than roadblocks, we can approach them with curiosity and an open mind. Through these setbacks, we have the opportunity to grow and adapt and ultimately enhance our self-esteem. Life's journey is unpredictable, and by learning to navigate setbacks with resilience and humility, we can discover the strength within ourselves to face whatever challenges lie ahead. 

A few weeks ago, a friend asked me to edit an article that caused great stress and anxiety. I agreed to do this, not knowing how complex the text would be. After a few minutes, I stressed out about why I couldn't comprehend the content. My stress soon morphed into anxiety, pounding my head with thoughts like, "I'm so stupid, and If I can't edit this piece, my friend will be disappointed." I was tempted to give up and apologize to my friend. But before I did, I remembered that my stress and anxiety didn't have to consume me. To learn more about my experience with stress and anxiety and how I have learned to deal with them, continue reading this post.

My Childhood Experience with Stress and Anxiety

I have dealt with extreme stress and anxiety for my entire life. During my childhood, I stressed out about grades, friendships, bullies, relationships, etc. I thought that if I made one mistake or said one wrong thing, everyone would think I was stupid. I thought bad things would happen, like being abused by classmates and failing my classes. My dad often reminded me that I worried about things that might not even happen.

But looking back, it was beyond worry and stress. It was anxiety that stemmed from a series of embarrassing and stressful experiences. They became so heavy that I couldn't enjoy my life or improve my self-esteem. My dad was right. I worried too much about things that didn't even exist at those moments.

My Anxiety Diagnosis Helped Me Grow from Stress

Now that I am in my 30s, more than nine years after my anxiety diagnosis, I have learned so many things about stress and anxiety. For one, I have become more mindful of when the feelings become all-consuming. It's easier to rationalize my mind by telling myself affirmations like the following:

• Mistakes make me human. They do not predict my future.
• I have succeeded at difficult tasks in the past. I can do the same now and in the future. 
• My trials give me opportunities for growth and wisdom.
• Simply making an effort to excel at stressful tasks will lead to progress.
• Everything in life is stressful sometimes, including my passions. It is better to enjoy the process than stress out about the results.

I am not saying that stressful situations must be confronted and embraced all the time. It is important to validate my feelings. When a stressful event triggers full-blown anxiety, it is often best to step away from it for a while. My anxiety sometimes needs to simmer enough for me to process it.

Taking a Break During Stressful or Anxiety-Provoking Tasks

After reading part of my friend's article, I took a break from it. To relax, I did some art and took a short walk. After returning to the article, I understood some of the content more. Even though I still couldn't edit it before my friend's due date, it was okay. She was happy that I tried. Now, I can breathe, knowing that my stress and anxiety do not define reality.

Now that you know about my perspective on stress and anxiety, I'm curious to know about your views on the struggle. Have you ever overcome a stressful or overwhelming situation? How has it impacted your life? How can you use it to your advantage in the future?

I know it can be hard to believe sometimes, but needing help with eating disorder (ED) recovery is not a sign of weakness. It's one of the bravest actions you can take. Internalized fears or anxieties might whisper in your ear that asking for help means you are a failure, a burden, or a lost cause. But I hope you can trust me on this: Those inner voices aren't telling you the truth. It's okay to need help with ED recovery.

In my own experience, healing is intensive, painful, and humbling work. No one I've met (including myself) has been able to successfully pursue it alone. So, if you could use an extra boost of care, support, advice, or encouragement, don't allow fear to intimidate you from reaching out. I promise needing help with ED recovery is not a sign of weakness.

An Example to Illustrate the Bravery of Needing Help in ED Recovery

Earlier this week, a friend sent me the following text: 

"I'm having a difficult time with body image, but I feel embarrassed asking for help. I've been in recovery for three years now. I thought that I was finally past these issues. I want to be helping others, not seeking it out myself. I should know how to manage this on my own." 

I allowed her clear frustration and raw vulnerability to settle in for a couple of minutes. It struck me how, in just a few sentences, she articulated the emotions I have wrestled with countless times in my own healing process. I marveled at her honesty, then I offered a response:

"I am so sorry to hear this has been such a physical, mental, and emotional challenge for you. But needing help with ED recovery is not a sign of weakness. It doesn't cancel out all the progress you have made. It doesn't mean you will never reach the other side of this particular obstacle. All it means is you're a human being who was not built to carry the suffering alone. I admire you for reaching out. I think it shows courage, resilience, and a commitment to heal. How can I support you here in this moment? It's alright to ask for what you need."  

Here's Why Needing Help with ED Recovery Is Not a Sign of Weakness

My friend set her fears aside to request the ED recovery help she was looking for. But after our conversation drew to a close, I was left with the question: Why is needing help so often viewed as a sign of weakness? Humans are imperfect—none of us can shoulder the full weight of pain and turmoil ourselves. There's no shame in this fact, but it can be terrifying nonetheless.

The reason I continue reaching out for help with ED recovery is that, after spending most of my life in the anguish of silence and isolation, I've experienced how liberating it feels to share the load with others. Realizing when I need help (then humbling myself to seek it from someone I can trust) is the not-so-secret sauce to my hard but worthwhile healing journey.

If not for a support network of friends, therapists, mentors, and family members, I would not be able to sustain my own efforts long-term. I need accountability to buttress me through the difficulties or uncertainties ahead. So do you. So does everyone else—it’s that simple.

Gambling fixation doesn't look the same for everyone. Very quickly into my gambling escapades, I realized that each person’s journey is unique, and this is determined by their motivations, vulnerabilities, and circumstances. Looking back at my own experience, I see that I became an interplay of personality traits. Through the winning, losing, and desperation phases of my journey, my emotional struggles, personality, and attraction to the allure of gambling unlocked in me the chaser, escape artist, risk taker, denier, and isolationist. These are types of gambling fixation.

The Chaser Gambling Fixation Trait

I started my fixation on gambling as the chaser, which remained my identity throughout the winning phase. I was driven by the thrill of the win and was at such a high that I was convinced I would never lose. I believed I had unmetered luck until I didn’t, but even through the losses, I was still stuck chasing the thrill of the win. This bottomless desire led me deeper into the clutches of addiction.

The Denier Gambling Fixation Trait

When I dropped into the losing phase of gambling, I embodied a new personality trait: the denier. Despite mounting evidence of my quick descent into gambling fixation, I became adept at denying the severity of my compulsion. The denier within me constructed a shield to protect me from the stark truth of my problem gambling.

The Isolationist and Escape Artist Gambling Addiction Traits

During the desperation phase, I evolved into an isolationist, risk-taker, and escape artist. With my fixation over gambling escalating, I became more impatient and fueled to escape life and disappear into the glitzy world of casinos and the allure of possibilities. At the same time, I became increasingly isolated. To hide the extent of my gambling fixation, I distanced myself from those close to me. To forget the harsh realities and chaos I had unleashed on my life, I dug myself deeper into irresponsible gambling. Combined, these personalities became my undoing, which made my recovery journey excruciatingly difficult.

When I began reconciling the rift between my gambling compulsion and the reality I tried to escape, I kept switching between personalities to justify the need for even a little gambling. Any money in my hand would call out to the risk-taker in me, begging for the adrenaline rush of placing a bet.

My recovery journey took a lot of learning and unlearning. Understanding the type of gambler I was in each phase has been a crucial aspect of my recovery and has also helped me avoid relapses.