My 9th grade year in high school I went from 150 lbs. to 115 lbs. in less than 2 months. My mom knew something was going on because I was losing so much weight, but she only saw me eat dinner, which I threw up anyway (I was at school for the other 2 meals, so she never knew that I never ate them).

When she found out from the school guidance counselor, she made me eat, and she wouldn't let me flush the toilet without her checking it first. So I became desperate. I hid plastic bags under my bed, and after dinner I'd lock myself in my room, ridding myself of the little I'd eaten. Then, the next day before my mom would come home from work, I'd flush the contents down the toilet.

I thought everything was good, then I started getting dizzy spells. I passed out twice in one day, then my mom took me to the doctor. They did an EKG and found out my heart rate was 41. I didn't know what that meant. They put it in my terms by saying that if my heart rate goes below 40, I'd be a vegetable. One more day of my horrible habits and I would've finally got my wish to die.

- Anonymous

Often it is difficult for adults to recognize that a child is experiencing problems related to the intake of food and control of weight. It can be even harder for parents to believe that their own child might have such a problem. However, an increasing number of children in our culture are developing eating disorders, and, if left untreated, eating disorders can lead to serious physical and mental health problems, including death. Early detection and treatment of an eating disorder increases the likelihood of a full recovery and return to a healthier and fuller life.

What Are Eating Disorders?

The word "eating" in the term "eating disorders" refers not only to a person's eating habits per se, but also to his/her weight-loss practices and attitudes towards body shape and weight. However, such habits, practices and beliefs do not, in themselves, constitute an eating disorder. A "disorder" results when these attitudes and practices are of such an extreme nature that one develops the following:

• An unrealistic perception of body weight and shape
• Anxiety, obsession and guilt related to weight and/or eating
• Potentially life-threatening physiological imbalances
• Loss of self-control in regards to eating and weight maintenance
• Social isolation

The development of an eating disorder may be caused by several factors, including biological or genetic susceptibility, emotional problems, problems in relationships with friends or family members, personality problems, and societal pressures to be thin. Such pressures include both blatant and subtle messages from the media, friends, athletic coaches and family members. While eating disorders tend to occur more often in females than in males, males are not immune. A growing number of young males are being diagnosed with eating disorders. Gay adolescents and certain types of athletes may be especially susceptible.

The diagnostic manual used by mental health practitioners currently recognizes two primary types of eating disorders: Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia Nervosa. Consideration is also being given to officially recognizing a third type called Binge Eating Disorder.

Anorexia Nervosa

The essential features of Anorexia Nervosa are:

• A refusal to maintain a minimally normal or healthy body weight. An adolescent suffering with Anorexia Nervosa is literally capable of starving him or herself to death.
• An intense fear of gaining weight. Calories, food, and weight management are the controlling factors in the person's life.
• A significant disturbance in the perception of the size and/or shape of his or her body. Where others may see a starving, emaciated body, a person with Anorexia Nervosa will see herself as "fat".
• A female with Anorexia Nervosa who would otherwise have regular menstrual periods will experience the cessation of her menstrual cycles.

While the term anorexia refers specifically to a loss of appetite, this is rarely the case with people suffering from this disorder. Those with Anorexia Nervosa actually experience extreme hunger and some may even engage in binge eating on occasion. However, eating binges are inevitably followed by some sort of "purge" activity that is intended to compensate for the earlier binge. A purge may be accomplished through a number of means including self-induced vomiting, overuse of laxatives or diuretics, or excessive exercise.

Bulimia Nervosa

Bulimia Nervosa is marked by binge eating, and excessive and inappropriate compensatory strategies to prevent weight gain. Also characteristic is an extreme concern about body weight and shape. Binge eating is defined as eating a quantity of food that is well in excess of what most people would eat during the same time period and under similar circumstances. In addition, there is a sense of lack of control over eating during the binge as well as an absence of the physical sensations that signal that the stomach is overly full. The binge may serve as an escape from unpleasant feelings, but eventually it ends and the person is left with an intense anxiety about weight gain. In order to compensate for the large quantities of food just ingested, the individual will "purge" the food by self-induced vomiting, excessive exercise, use of laxatives or diuretics, engaging in a highly restrictive diet, or some combination of these methods.

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Other Eating Disorders

Many people with "eating problems" do not quite meet the criteria for Anorexia Nervosa or Bulimia Nervosa. Some people control their weight by vomiting and abusing exercise but never binge. Others may repeatedly binge or gorge without purging. Even though these people do not purge, they may engage in repetitive diets or fasting in an attempt to control the weight gained from the repeated binges.

Who Develops An Eating Disorder?

Eating disorders are most commonly associated with adolescent females. While it is true that eating disorders of all types tend to be more common in this group, adolescent males are not immune to developing dysfunctional and dangerous eating habits and weight management strategies. Conservative estimates suggest that 5 to 10% of adolescents in the U.S. suffer from some form of eating disorder. About 1 in 10 of these adolescents are male.

A number of factors are associated with the prevalence of eating disorders among certain groups of adolescents:

Rates of Anorexia Nervosa are higher among those from a higher social economic status

Rates of Bulimia Nervosa tend to be highest among women at college, and may even be considered the "cool" or "in" way to control one's weight in certain settings

Both male and female athletes who compete in certain sports may be at greater risk for developing eating disorders due to the extreme pressures to maintain a given body weight in order to be competitive. It is important to note, however, that weight control for the purpose of athletic success does not constitute an eating disorder unless the athlete develops some of the core psychological disturbances that mark the presence of an eating disorder. (For example, distorted body image or binge eating.) Some of the sports where pressures to maintain certain weights are especially high are:

• Dance
• Wrestling
• Gymnastics
• Swimming
• Running
• Body building
• Rowing

The prevalence of eating disorders tends to be lower among non-Caucasian populations. However, there is evidence to suggest that the more these populations become acculturated into American mainstream society, the higher the risk becomes.

Children who suffer from chronic diseases, such as diabetes, who have been required to modify their diets for medical reasons may be more likely to develop an eating disorder.

Eating disorders tend to run in families. Children with parents who have an eating disorder are at a much greater risk of developing a disorder themselves. A family history of depression and/or substance abuse has also been recognized as a risk factor for the development of some eating disorders.

A history of sexual abuse has been observed in a high percentage of those with eating disorders.

Negative self-evaluation, shyness and perfectionism are traits that may increase the likelihood of developing an eating disorder.

Girls who enter puberty early may be more likely to develop eating disorders, possibly due to teasing from their peers about the shapes of their developing bodies.

Overweight children may be more likely to develop an eating disorder as they enter puberty and appearance becomes more important. It is interesting to note that overweight girls are also likely to enter puberty earlier, making them subject to the additional pressures mentioned above.

Warning Signs

How does one know when a child's eating habits have become dysfunctional? Given the extreme social pressures to be thin, dieting is not an uncommon occurrence among adolescents, and even children, in our society. In fact, researchers have found that as many as 46% of 9- 11 year-olds are "sometimes" or "very often" on diets. Given this prevalence of "acceptable" patterns of restricted eating habits, it can be quite hard to distinguish between normal dieting behaviors and abnormal or destructive eating behaviors. The early stages of an eating disorder can be especially difficult to detect, because the behaviors can seem quite normal for a dieting, health conscious individual. However, early detection and treatment of dysfunctional eating patterns increases the likelihood of a full recovery. If dysfunctional eating patterns persist and develop into second-nature behaviors, the individual will have much more difficulty changing the behaviors later in life, and may suffer from serious health problems. People who have eating disorders do not necessarily present with all the behaviors and symptoms listed below, but they are likely to exhibit several of them.

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Behaviors Involving Food

• Skips meals
• Eats only tiny portions of food
• Does not eat in front of others
• Develops ritualistic eating patterns
• Chews food and spits it out
• Cooks meals for others but will not eat
• Makes excuses not to eat (not hungry, just ate, ill, upset, etc.)
• Becomes a vegetarian
• Reads food labels religiously
• Goes to the bathroom after meals and spends an inordinately long time there
• Begins and ends diets repeatedly
• Large quantities of high-calorie foods are missing, but the child is not gaining weight
• Uses large quantities of laxatives or diuretics (money may even be stolen from family members to purchase these drugs or the large quantities of food needed for a binge).

Physical Changes

• Chipmunk cheeks (swollen salivary glands)
• Bloodshot eyes
• Tooth enamel decay
• Considerable weight changes not attributable to a medical condition
• Intestinal problems
• Dry, brittle hair, or hair loss
• Bad breath
• Calluses on knuckles
• Nose bleeds
• Constant sore throats
• Irregular or absent menstrual cycles

Body Image Concerns

• Constantly tries to lose weight
• Fears weight gain and obesity
• Wears over-sized clothing
• Obsesses about clothing size
• Complains of being fat when he or she is clearly not
• Criticizes body and/or body parts

Exercise Behaviors

• Exercises obsessively and compulsively
• Tires easily
• Consumes sports drinks and supplements

Thinking Patterns

• Lacks logical thinking
• Cannot evaluate reality objectively
• Becomes irrational
• Becomes argumentative
• Withdraws, sulks, throws tantrums
• Has difficulty concentrating

Emotional Changes

• Difficulty discussing feelings, especially anger
• Denies being angry, even when he or she clearly is
• Escapes stress by bingeing or exercising
• Becomes moody, irritable, cross, snappish, touchy
• Confrontations end in tears, tantrums, or withdrawal

Social Behaviors

• Socially isolates
• Demonstrates a high need to please others
• Tries to control what other family members eat
• Becomes needy and dependent

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What Can A Parent Do?

If you've noticed behaviors in your child that may indicate an eating disorder, you should discuss your concerns with your child.

Plan to approach your child in a place that is private and stress free. Be sure you have set aside plenty of time to talk.

Tell your child what you have observed and what your concerns are in a caring, straightforward and non-judgmental way.

Do not focus on food and weight, but instead focus on feelings and relationships.

Give her plenty of time to talk and state how she is feeling. Accept what she says without passing judgment or reacting with anger.

Avoid commenting on appearance. This perpetuates the obsession with body image.

Know that anger and denial are often part of an eating disorder. If faced with these reactions, restate your observations and concerns in a caring way without accusing your child.

Do not engage in a power struggle over whether or not a problem actually exists.

Do not demand change or berate the child or adolescent.

Examine your own feelings about food, weight, body image, and body size. You do not want to convey a fat prejudice or exacerbate your child's desire for thinness.

Do not blame the child for his or her struggle.

How Can Parents Prevent Eating Disorders?

Do not engage in power struggles over food. Do not insist that a child eat certain foods or limit the number of calories your child consumes unless a physician recommends this due to a medical condition.

Encourage children to remain in touch with their appetite. Resist statements like "If you eat now, you'll spoil your appetite" and "There are starving people in Africa, so you had better clean your plate."

Do not use food as emotional comfort for your children; don't try to feed them if they are not hungry.

Explore how your own feelings about body image, body size, and weight have been shaped by society. Discuss with your children how genetics plays a significant role in body size and weight and how detrimental social pressures can be to perceptions of body image.

Do not promote unrealistic ideals involving slenderness and beauty. Make sure that your attitude does not convey to your child that she would be more likeable if she were thinner. Do not allow your children's unrealistic comments about others' weight and body shape to go unchallenged.

Educate yourself and your children about the dangers associated with dieting. Remember that 95% of all dieters regain their lost weight plus more within 1 to 5 years. The vast majority of people will remain thinner if they never diet in the first place. Additionally, dieting slows down one's metabolism, making it easier to gain additional pounds.

Set a good example for your children. Exercise because it feels good and you enjoy the movement of your body. Don't avoid activities such as swimming or dancing just because they draw attention to your body and weight. Don't hide your body shape or size in clothes that do not fit or are uncomfortable.

Teach your children how television, the media, and magazines distort our views concerning the body and do not accurately represent the diverse body types that actually exist. The average American woman is 5'4" tall and weighs 140 lbs., while the average American model is 5'11" tall and weighs 117 lbs. That is thinner than 98% of the women in America.

Promote your child's self-respect and self-esteem in athletic, social, and intellectual experiences. Children who have well-rounded personalities and have a solid sense of self-esteem are less likely to engage in disordered eating and harmful dieting.

Treat boys and girls the same‚ give them the same encouragement, opportunities, responsibilities and chores.

Treatment Of Eating Disorders

While it is often a long and difficult process, eating disorders are generally treatable. Depending on the severity of the disturbance and the physical health of the child or adolescent, an eating disorder may be treated in either an outpatient setting consisting of individual, family and/or group therapy, or, in more extreme cases, in an inpatient or hospital setting.

Individual counseling - Individual counseling usually takes place in a therapist's office for 45-50 minutes, 1 to 3 times per week. It is critical to choose a therapist who has experience working with both children and adolescents, as well as eating disorders. Treatment philosophies will usually take one of three approaches, or, quite often, some combination of them.

Cognitive Behavioral - Cognitive behavioral therapy is a combination of cognitive therapy and behavioral therapy. Cognitive therapy deals primarily with identifying and changing problematic or distorted thoughts and beliefs, such as distorted body images and over emphasis on the importance of thinness. Behavior therapy works to change maladaptive behaviors such as binge eating.

Psychodynamic - The goal of a psychodynamic approach is to help the adolescent come to understand the connections between her past, her personal relationships, her current circumstances and the eating disorder. Psychodynamic theory holds that eating disorders may develop as a way of protecting one's self from anger, frustration and pain one may experience in his or her life.

Disease/Addiction - This model views eating disorders as an addiction or disease similar to alcoholism and is modeled after the Alcoholics Anonymous program.

Family counseling - Family therapy not only benefits the person with an eating disorder, but the other family members as well. Living with a person with an eating disorder can be difficult for all involved. Good family therapy will address the concerns and problems of all the family members as well as teach the family how to assist in the healing of the family member with an eating disorder.

Group therapy - Group therapy may be effective for some, but harmful for others. Some people with an eating disorder are too withdrawn or anxious to effectively interact in a group setting. Others may benefit greatly from the support and acceptance they receive from other group members. It is critical that a group dedicated to the treatment of eating disorders be run by a qualified professional who can gauge individual members' reactions to the group experience.

The Team Approach - For long-term treatment of, and recovery from, an eating disorder a multidisciplinary team approach with consistent counseling and support is essential. The team may consist of a physician, dietitians, therapists, and/or nurses. All of the individuals on the team should be specifically skilled in treating eating disorders.

Medication - Medications may be used to treat a number of aspects of eating disorders including:

• Treatment of depression and/or anxiety that may co-exist with the eating disorder
• Restoration of hormonal balance and bone density
• Encouragement of weight gain or loss by inducing or reducing hunger
• Normalization of thinking process

Hospitalization - People who suffer from extreme anorexia are most often admitted to a hospital or eating disorder treatment center for an extended period of time so they can be stabilized and treated for medical complications. People with bulimia are not usually admitted to a hospital unless their behaviors have developed into anorexia, they need medication to help them withdraw from purging, or they have developed major depression.

Weight Gain - The most immediate goal in the treatment of an anorexic individual is often weight gain. A physician should strictly set the rate of weight gain, but the usual goal is 1 to 2 pounds per week. Initially the person is given 1,500 calories per day and eventually it may go as high as 3,500 calories per day. Individuals may require intravenous feeding if the amount of weight loss has become life threatening and he or she is still unwilling to consume adequate amounts of food.

Nutritional Therapy - A dietitian is often consulted to develop a strategy for planning meals and educate both the patient and the parents.

next: Talking to Your Teen About Eating Disorders: Mother and Daughter
~ eating disorders library
~ all articles on eating disorders

Find out why failing at losing weight may be a good thing. Click here. How can negative thinking actually make you feel better? Click here. How can you make people like you for five cents? Click here. How can it improve your life to take less responsibility? Click here. How can you have more time (and less stress)? Click here. The ancient Hindus used the same technique as modern cognitive therapy to lessen human suffering. Curious? Click here. Is there a quick and easy way to stop yourself from feeling angry or annoyed? Click here. Count your blessings, appreciate what you have, and feel more satisfied with your life. Click here.

There is an enormous body of accumulated scientific evidence that optimism becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. Click here. How you can improve your health without spending money or breaking a sweat? Click here. The secret of success is persistence. But how can you become more persistent? There's a hard way and an easy way. Click here. Enhance the quality of your life using a technique developed in one of Hitler's concentration camps. Click here. How is it possible that pessimistic thoughts in your head could shut down your immune system? The evidence is in. Click here. Abraham Lincoln was probably the greatest, most profoundly moral president ever to be elected to office. Do you know what he thought about religion? Click here.

 

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next: Parting Shot

Success in the work environment depends on everyone's contribution. That's why no one in the workplace can afford to ignore depression.

This year, more than 19 million American adults (9.5% of the population) will suffer from this often misunderstood disorder. It is not a passing mood. It is not a personal weakness. It is a major-but treatable-illness. No job category or professional level is immune, and even a formerly outstanding employee can be affected.

The good news is that, in more than 80% of cases, treatment is effective. It enables people with depression to return to satisfactory, functioning lives. And nearly everyone gets some degree of relief. Treatment includes medication, short-term talk therapy, or a combination of both.

Untreated depression is costly. A RAND Corporation study found that patients with depressive symptoms spend more days in bed than those with diabetes, arthritis, back problems, lung problems or gastrointestinal disorders. Estimates of the total cost of depression to the Nation in 1990 range from $30-$44 billion. Of the $44 billion figure, depression accounts for close to $12 billion in lost work days each year. Additionally, more than $11 billion in other costs accrue from decreased productivity due to symptoms that sap energy, affect work habits, cause problems with concentration, memory, and decision-making. And costs escalate still further if a worker's untreated depression contributes to alcoholism or drug abuse.

Still more business costs result when an employee or colleague has a family member suffering from depression. The depression of a spouse or child can disrupt working hours, lead to days absent from work, effect concentration and morale, and decrease productivity.

Workers at every level in an organization can do something about depression. You can start by learning more about this common and serious illness. If you think you or a loved one may have depression, take action.

Seek consultation from an employee assistance counselor or contact your health provider. The information you share will remain confidential. You can't overcome depression by willpower, so it is important to seek professional help.

Employers and managers can play an additional role in altering the impact of depression in the workplace:

• Review corporate medical programs and employee health benefits.
• Make sure your employee assistance program staff are trained to recognize depressive disorders, make appropriate referrals, and provide other assistance consistent with policies and practices.
• Increase management awareness.
• Educate employees by reproducing and distributing the brochure Depression: Effective Treatments Are Available.
• Work with national or community organizations to obtain, display, and distribute information about depression at your workplace and provide employees with referrals to treatment.

DEPRESSION IS EVERYBODY'S BUSINESS. TREAT IT. DEFEAT IT.

next: Forget Being Free of Depression - Start Living Now!
~ depression library articles
~ all articles on depression

A Discourse in Support of a Safe Place to Express Feelings

(For Men Only - It's okay for women to sneak-a-peek!)

Someone once said that women are the ones with feelings. Men are the thinkers and fixers.

Men have feelings too, however they often refuse to acknowledge them, much less talk about them; seldom to their spouse or significant other and especially not to other men. Most think it is a sign of weakness.

Not so!

It is a sign of strength and of courage. Men who get in touch with their feelings can reinvent themselves. It opens up numerous possibilities. It is possible for a man to be tough AND tender!

Often men get caught up in the business of the day and when they arrive home, they express their feelings in unintentionally destructive ways by literally "dumping" on their significant other. This doesn't work. The relationship can only go downhill from there.

For the most part, men have not been brought up to express their feelings at all, much less in a constructive way. Generally speaking, you can trace this behavior back several generations. Remember the song, "Big Boys Don't Cry?" It should have been, "Big Boys Don't Express Their Feelings." Bet your grandfather didn't. Most likely neither did your dad. He was probably the "rock;" the one who must be strong and not demonstrate his feelings lest he be seen as a weak man. Men are suppose to be macho. Oh, really? The truth is, most men lack the skills to express their feelings.

"But," you say, "that is a woman thing." Says who? The more you are in touch with how you really feel about things, the easier it is to communicate those feelings. I call this: getting totally honest with yourself!

Men are notoriously poor at cultivating and maintaining close friendships with other men. Often when you ask a man how many close friends he has, he will be at a loss to come up with more than one or two (if any at all).

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Many times the people he will mention are the guys he gets together with over a beer to talk about the big game last Sunday or the other men he communicates with about business. Other men may talk about their childhood friends they no longer are in touch with. How sad. These are not the kind of close friendships with whom you can share your most intimate feelings. Intimate feelings? Is that scary, or what?

When we run from our feelings, they follow us. . . everywhere!

Feelings must be expressed. To stuff your most intimate feelings is to stay stuck with the feeling. What is the solution? How can you find a way to communicate your feelings in a way that feels safe and where you can always be assured of being heard?

One highly effective solution is to form your own "Men's Support Community." To be heard is to be healed. You learn to talk openly and honestly in an environment of absolute confidentiality where there are no rules about what or how you say what you need to say. The other men in the group only listen. No one offers advice. No solutions. The other men learn to suspend their judgments about what they think or feel about what you say. They are there to be your committed listener. Listening IS support.

Soooo. . . how does this help you? You get to "vent" all you want, anyway you want but this time without the destructive tones damaging the relationship you have with your significant other. Another way it helps is that you learn when you listen. You discover that you can benefit from the experiences of the other men.

You should have learned by now that a solution that you discover on your own rather than being told by someone else is almost always the better and most workable solution.

While it may be difficult for men to understand how only talking with no advice and solutions will work, I can assure you that after meeting and getting to know each other after about 6 to 10 weeks you will begin to notice a shift in the dynamics of the group -- to say nothing about your attitude about expressing yourself fully.

To be listened to attentively feels good. Knowing that you have everyone's full attention to how you feel can be a bit disarming for some men. In "Men's Support Communities" I have been involved with, in the beginning most men experienced some level of discomfort in only being listened to without anyone offering solutions. Men are fixers, remember? This is not the expected way for men to be. Or is it? As the group spent more time together, the bonding that occurred worked its own miracle. Frequency assists in the bonding process.

Men can learn a very important lesson from fully participating in a group such as this. They learn to empathize with women who are often heard complaining, "He never listens to me!" Once men experience the committed listening of the group, they begin to feel more at ease in sharing their deepest concerns about their relationship, their work and their life with their spouse or significant other.

Most often this is the salvation for their personal relationship!

Every man needs to bond with other men from the heart. He needs to fulfill his needs for intimacy with someone other than his lover, so she isn't his only outlet for feeling. He needs mirrors of his own quest to understand his masculinity; soul buddies who can validate his journey like no woman ever can. Find a friend. Take off your mask. Show him who you really are.

Barbara DeAngelis, Author
Real Moments

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Guidelines for a "Men's Support Community"

• Set a specific place, time and length of the meeting. Once a week in the same place, at the same time with a two hour maximum is recommended.
• Important: The effectiveness of the group is dependent upon each member's total commmitment to making attendance at this weekly meeting a high priority. No commitment. No healing. If you cannot commit to be present at every meeting do not join the group. Obviously there will be an ocassional missed meeting because of family emergencies. Our group determined that family comes first. Other than family or you die, there were no excuses for not attending this life-changing meeting.
• Be on time. Better yet, arrive early and visit for a few minutes before the meeting officially begins. If someone is unavoidably late, do not stop to greet them, continue with the meeting. I once was late for a sales meeting and made the comment, "Better late than never," to which the sales manager replied, "Better never late!" Lesson learned.
• It is wise for everyone to commit to meet for a minimum of 6 weeks in the beginning and at the end of that period you can all choose to extend your meetings at 6 week intervals. Our group eventually decided to meet indefinitely.
• A group of from 6 to 8 is most effective.
• Decide whether you want to have a closed group once the group reaches capacity. I am of the opinion that a closed group is a good idea. A new member introduced to the group after the group has been meeting for awhile may feel left out because the others in the group have already bonded. The older members will often feel the need to bring the new member up to speed. A closed group is recommended.
• Start the meeting promptly at the appointed time and end on time.
• Eating, drinking, gum chewing, alcohol and recreational drugs all serve as distractions from feelings. Refrain from alcohol and recreational drugs the day of the meeting. No smoking.
• Refrain from giving advice and criticism. This is a must. If a member requests assistance, it is best to volunteer it at a private meeting between the two of you at another time. A phone call also works.
• Use "I" messages (e.g., I think, I feel, I believe, etc.) and all the listening skills you can muster.

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• Confidentiality is paramount. This cannot be over emphasized. This includes talking to your spouse or significant other about who said what in the meeting. Nothing discussed in the meeting goes out of the room. If a confidentially breach is discovered is it wise to ask the guilty party to leave the group.
• No subject is taboo. The focus must be on expressing your thoughts and feelings about what is happening in your life. Remember, this is a "safety zone;" a place where you can say what needs to be said without the judgment of others and without the fear of anyone else speaking about it to their friends. Avoid chit-chat about the score of the big game or other less important stuff you can talk about at another time.
• During this meeting it is important to notice what it "feels" like to suspend your judgment about what someone is saying. This will free them up to speak whatever is on their mind. No "raised eyebrows" or "elbow nudging." You are there for them only to be their committed listener.
• Always read the "Statement of Purpose & Intention" at the beginning of every meeting. Always. Resist the urge to dispense with this very important part of the ritual because you've "heard it before!" It must be an intergral part of every meeting. Since there is no leader of the group, it's a good idea that each week the responsibility for reading the "Statement of Purpose & Intention" word-for-word be rotated. (See below).

This process - often called "The Talking Circle" - is designed after a simple yet powerful Native American tradition that we have found useful. A Talking Circle is based on the expectation that everyone participating has something to say and something to learn. This format can create a therapeutic group.

When one person talks, everyone listens. No interruptions and absolutely no advice given. There is no cross-talk; each person gets one opportunity to speak and only speaks at that time. This is a opportunity to say what you want to. You may choose to take a turn talking or not.

In the Native American tradition a feather or "Talking Stick" is passed from person to person. It is a tool used to let people speak their feelings in a group. It was usually made of wood (usually a long stick, 12 to 18 inches) and often decorated with feathers or ribbons, painted with colors or carved.

As a gimmick to call attention to who has the floor, when each man in the group took their turn to talk in the group I was in, they held a TV remote control. Somehow it made us feel at home and more in control. There may be some irony there, I think. Our version of the Talking Stick gave them the floor to speak. All present must hear you out.

A special note for women: (I knew you couldn't resist reading something labeled "For Men Only! - Hee! Hee!) - The guidelines are the same for a "Women's Support Community." Women seem to have an intense need to offer advice and solutions in these groups. Generally speaking, men have this reputation, however it has been my experience that the opposite is true in "Women's Support Communities."

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Most women in groups that have disbanded tell me that they did so because either one person tried to be the leader (or controller) of the group or the group could not resist the urge to offer advice and solutions. This is usually the death of the group. Sandy, my friend, was in a group that disolved for both of these reasons. A caution to women: offer no advice or solutions and let the group lead itself if you want your group to be an effective tool for healing.

It is wise to have same sex groups only. The only exception might be if there is a therapist present who can moderate or intervene in any disputes that may surface between couples. Generally speaking, mixed groups do not work as well.

The following Statement of Purpose & Intention is an extremely important part of each meeting. It helps center the group and brings each member of the group back to the intention of the group. Before each meeting begins, have someone volunteer to read the following to reinforce the reasons you are meeting.

Statement of Purpose and Intention

We have recognized a need in our lives for the support of a group of loving, caring friends. We have put aside this period of time to help each other with the emotional stresses of life. We agree to give these meetings an importance in our lives that we honor by making attendance a priority. It is our intention to create a place where we can collectively experience the value of self-discovery by giving and receiving support in a caring, understanding and respectful way.

In the process of receiving support we will speak honestly about our thoughts and feelings. By doing this we will create the freedom to explore our feelings without concern as to whether what we say is well thought out, or worded appropriately. In the process of giving support, we agree to listen in a non-judgmental fashion without interrupting, giving advice or suggesting solutions. By honoring the value of our own inner wisdom the healing we seek will occur.

We agree to keep in confidence all that is said during our meetings!

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Next. . . someone reaches for the TV remote control and begins to talk. There is no time limit. Some men will choose to talk more, others less, but rarely not at all. If you finish early, adjourn the meeting.

Let the healing begin!

A Special Message From Larry James

The miracles I have personally witnessed in "Men's Support Communities" defies description. I've seen relationships on the brink of divorce, in time, totally healed. Some miracles take longer than others.

I've heard anger expressed, happiness, grief, concern, understanding, fear, acceptance, love; a myriad of feelings you seldom hear expressed by a man to other men.

I've heard deep, dark secrets revealed and when expressed in the confidence of men who were trusted friends, countenances changed the instant the news was out. The stress of withholding was at last relieved.

The support for a man whose wife died after losing a bout with cancer was incredible to behold.

How does this happen? These miracles are like trying to describe the flavor of an orange. You have to taste the fruit to know its flavor. In other words, you had to be there.

I challenge you to "be there!"

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Psychotherapist discusses influence of feminist therapists on her way of practicing therapy.

My work has been influenced greatly by feminist therapists such as Toni Ann Laidlaw, Cheryl Malmo, Joan Turner, Jan Ellis, Diane Lepine, Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Joan Hamerman, Jean Baker Miller, and Miriam Greenspan -- to name only a few. I've found that what seems to be the universal core of such therapy is that clients and therapist must operate as equals in the therapy endeavor. This perspective fits well within my own personal values and belief system.

In her book, A New Approach to Women and Therapy" (1983), Miriam Greenspan explores the impact of "traditional" and "growth" therapies on women as well as describes "feminist" therapy in action. In doing so she offers a great deal of insight regarding the role of the therapist in feminist work including:

1) That the therapist's most essential tool is herself as a person.

There have been so many occasions in my years as a therapist that I've sat speechless with a client, knowing all too well that there are no words that will comfort, justify, or explain the pain away. There have been all too many times when all my years of studying the human psyche and condition still render me helpless to alter a particular circumstance, belief, or feeling. On these occasions, I can only offer my support, my caring, and my understanding. I'm humbled at these moments but not disempowered. I've learned that in joining another human being in his or her pain; in being a steady and present witness; in respecting the magnitude and depth of their feelings, I can't lead them out of the darkness, but I can stand beside them. Anyone who has ever been deeply afraid or saddened recognizes that an outstretched hand can be a true gift.

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2) That it is essential therapy be demystified from the beginning in order for clients to achieve a sense of their own power (and responsibility, I would add) in therapy. Greenspan observes that, "Therapy must be geared to helping the client see that she must be her own rescuer - that the power she longs for is not in someone else but in herself."

I was visiting with a very special friend and fellow therapist one day discussing movies we'd seen over the years. She reminded me of a scene in a movie whose title I have long since forgotten. In this particular scene, the main character is at a party where she meets up with her therapist. They chat for a few moments and then part company. A friend approaches the main character and asks who the woman was that she had been talking to. The heroine responds, "that's no woman. That's my therapist!"

This scene illustrates the mystique that therapists often have with their clients. While intellectually our client's realize that we, too, are imperfect and possess our own difficulties and short-comings, they very often manage somehow to perceive us as somewhat "larger than life." They often look to us to provide the "right" answers, point the way, or tell them how to "fix it". Our responsibility is not to oblige them (even if we could), but to assist them in recognizing and learning to trust their own power and wisdom.

3) That rules of the therapeutic relationship should be overtly stated and mutually agreed upon. This doesn't mean that the therapist explains the rules by which the client is expected to operate, but rather that the client and therapist explore their expectations of one another together and jointly come to an agreement of what each person's role and responsibilities will be.

4) That within every symptom, no matter how painful or problematic, there exists a strength.

Helen Gahagan Douglas in The Eleanor Roosevelt We Remember" ("The Quotable Woman", Vol. Two, edited by Elaine Partnow, 1963,) wrote:

"Would Eleanor Roosevelt have had to struggle to overcome this tortuous shyness if she had grown up secure in the knowledge that she was a beautiful girl? If she hadn't struggled so earnestly, would she have been so sensitive to the struggles of others? Would a beautiful Eleanor Roosevelt have escaped from the confinements of the mid-Victorian drawing room society in which she was reared? Would a beautiful Eleanor Roosevelt have wanted to escape? Would a beautiful Eleanor Roosevelt have had the same need to be, to do?"

Perhaps Eleanor would have still accomplished all that she was to achieve in her lifetime, beautiful or not; however, it's been reported that Eleanor herself confided that her insecurity about her looks often motivated her.

Wayne Muller, in Legacy of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood (1992) observed while working with individuals who had experienced painful childhood's that, "...even as they struggled to be free, the reverberations of family sorrow continued to infect their adult lives, their loves, even their dreams. Yet, at the same time I've also noted that adults who were hurt as children inevitably exhibit a peculiar strength, a profound inner wisdom, and a remarkable creativity and insight."

In the introduction of "Healing Voices: Feminist Approaches To Therapy With Women" (1990), Laidlaw and Malmo state that feminist therapists welcome their clients' inquiries about the therapist's values, methods and orientations. They also:

(1) at appropriate times share their own experiences in order to assist their clients;

(2) encourage their clients to take an active part in making decisions about the course of therapy;

(3) and allow the client final say over the content of a session, the choice of method, and the pacing of therapeutic work.

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SELF DISCLOSURE

The degree of therapist self-disclosure is an area in which a wide range of opinions exists. For some, the therapist should not provide personal information to the client in almost any circumstance. Others firmly maintain that some personal information is not only acceptable at times, but advisable. I find myself agreeing with the latter. In order for a true therapeutic relationship to develop, in my opinion, therapist and client generally must achieve some level of intimacy. I don't believe that such intimacy can exist without the therapist sharing some limited aspects of his or her own life from time to time. Carl Rogers urged therapists to be genuine. How can one be genuine when conscientiously hiding all personal aspects of oneself? When a client asks if I am angry with them and I say that I'm not (after all, therapists should never experience anger toward a client) when in fact I am angry, I am not only being disrespectful, I'm inflicting damage. When a client observes that I look like I've had a hard day, and I deny that I have, when the truth is that the day has been extremely difficult, I've become a liar to someone whose trust is extremely important. This doesn't mean that I should proceed to describe my day to the client, but that I merely acknowledge that the client's observation is a perceptive and accurate one.

Lenore E. A. Walker, in her piece, "A feminist Therapist Views The Case" from "Women as Therapists" ( Cantor, 1990), provides an overview of the guiding principles of feminist therapy, including:

1) Egalitarian relationships between clients and therapists serve as a model for women to take personal responsibility to develop egalitarian relationships with others instead of the more traditional passive, dependent female role. While it is excepted that the therapist knows more in terms of psychology, the client knows herself better. That knowledge is as critical as the therapist's skills in developing a successful therapeutic relationship.

2) The feminist therapist focuses on the enhancement of women's strengths rather than remediation of their weaknesses.

3) The feminist model is nonpathology-oriented and non-victim blaming.

4) Feminist therapists accept and validate their clients' feelings. They are also more self-disclosing than other therapists thus removing the we-they barrier between therapists and their clients. This limited reciprocity is a feminist goal that is believed to enhance the relationship.

Milton Erikson spoke often of the importance of joining with our clients. It's difficult from my perspective to accomplish this if we're placed somewhere above our clients and often out of their reach. To truly understand another, we must be willing to get close enough to really see; we can miss so much when keeping back too great a distance. Perhaps, in part, the distance is recommended, because it's not possible to observe imperfections and vulnerabilities close up without risking our own being exposed from time to time. Therapists need not be perfect in order to be effective; in fact, they don't even need to be smarter.

Janet O'Hare and Katy Taylor in the book, Women Changing Therapy (1985), edited by Joan Hammerman Robbins and Rachel Josefowitz Siegel, provide a number of insights and recommendations for working with victims of sexual abuse including:

(1) A controlling therapist is too much like the abuser to be helpful;

When we encounter an individual who has been abused, our assuming control of the therapeutic process is bound to be threatening to most. Such individuals have been told what to do very often for much of their lives, and voluntarily surrendering now to the mandates of yet another feels uncomfortably familiar. Victims and survivors need to be empowered to act in their own best interests, to make their own decisions, and communicate their needs effectively. Attempting to acquire these abilities in the presence of a controlling "expert" is hardly conducive to producing these results.

(2) The client must be encouraged to recognize her own strengths.

Often victims and survivors of abuse are acutely aware of their inadequacies and have little faith in their strengths. It is important that when working with these individuals that the therapist focus on and strive to develop strengths vs. honing in on and seeking to remediate inadequacies. In fact, many of the tendencies that survivors (and some therapists) perceive as weaknesses are, in fact, just the opposite -- assets to be recognized and appreciated.

(3) The therapist must honor the client's own healing process and allow the healing to proceed at the client's own pace.

Not being controlling need not mean being non-directive. In operating from a brief treatment perspective, it's absolutely necessary that the therapist remain active and quite often provide direction. This from my perspective, indicates that we must serve as guides and facilitators. It may be important to remember that when one engages the services of a guide when embarking on a journey, it's ultimately the role of the one to be guided to determine the destination, the limits of the distance to be traveled, the stops along the way, and the overall pace. It's the guide's responsibility to meet the objectives of the guided.

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Domestic Abuse / Domestic Violence Stories

I wanted to share my domestic abuse story in the hopes that even ONE PERSON benefits from what I experienced. The emotional and mental abuse survivor stories below are there to help you think about your present situation; to let you know you are not alone and to help everyone recognize the different faces of domestic violence. There are also tips from people on how they got out of their domestic abuse situation.

I think it's important that we all speak up. Hopefully, this site will help SOMEONE out of a similar situation. Here are some of the stories that have been shared with me:

Tommie -
Comments - Ray and I have been married for 24 years. Things have been bad between us for a while. It always feels like and push and pull contest. Ray threatened to Baker Act me and in a state of fear and anxiety, I did it to myself. I was afraid, suspicious and angry. I have had to drop out of school three times. I put Ray through college. He went to Amsterdam on vacation after he had filled out a statement to the police department and had me arrested for domestic violence. The argument was about Ray coming home late. He showed up after drinking a glass of wine in the parking lot at Walmart. An argument ensued. I believe in honesty and solving problems in the privacy of your own home. I believe in marriage and that God sees all things. Ray filled out a statement to keep from going to jail. He sold his wife, friend, and lover down the river. I am now on probation. Ray will not admit that he is a verbal, mental, and emotional abuser. He uses money as a control. I have let myself become financially dependent on Ray. We used to be friends. Now, it's like I have to be careful about everything I say and do. I don't want to leave.

Ray will not change. It's like a spiritual battle. We both want to be ourselves. He won't go to lunch with me. I am not allowed to visit him at work. He gives me no information about his finances. He's moved his checking account. He will not reimburse me for money that I spent to get the house fixed up for refinance and yet he wants his money. He pays the mortgage and the utilities and thinks that this gives him the right to be verbally abusive. I have often wanted to call Dr. Phil and have them videotape our conversations. Ray does not think that he ever does anything wrong. It is hard for me to work and concentrate at school. I am intelligent and attractive. I wish I knew how to turn us around once and for all. It is hard to live with the possibility of going to jail because you are not allowed to argue or defend your position and right to be respected. I want to be financially independent and am seeking full-time employment in a non-commissioned job. I pray continuously. We have good days. I enjoy those. Pray for us.

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Anne -
Comments - First off, I don't know if I am being abused, but I know that I feel very used! Ab- used (not used right?). There is no affection in my marriage, no help around the house ever, my kids can't stand my husband, their stepdad because they see things he does that make them think that he isn't nice to me. He harasses the animals we have and even complimented his son for doing the same thing. The cats run away from him literally. He leaves to go play golf if I can't think of anything "fun" to do. He buys things for himself with money but criticizes me if I buy something for the family. He accuses me of always wanting to leave him and has threatened divorce.

He backed me into a corner with accusations and lies and I lashed out and hit him. I admit to my anger and have made great strides in controlling it. I believe that the many things my husband does or doesn't do have contributed to my anger problem, but he says that it is all my fault. He wants me to speak my mind but when I do he criticizes me. I have quit talking about anything important to me. He tries to control conversations and usually turns the conversation into an argument or finds something to accuse me of. I often cannot think and have to leave when he starts talking because the subject always changes into something I don't want to talk about. He often forces me to talk and gets mad if I walk away. Sex? At least he doesn't force that but claims that his impotency problems are my fault.

Am I being abused or am I just a whiner? I cry at least once a day. I abuse myself rather than lash out anymore. His first wife left him because she claimed that he was abusive. I was her friend but didn't believe her. Now I am more apt to believe her than him. We have been married almost a year and I have been subjected to pain I never thought existed. I have no self-esteem anymore. It is around somewhere because I had a lot when I was a single mom and somewhat successful as a daycare provider. Now he says he doesn't trust me with his son. Hmmmm.... Any comments?

Karin -
Comments - my story is unbelievable well to me it is.I met my partner three years ago i was a friend of his former wife who died before we got together he was lovely and charming until the day i moved in with him he pushed me in to do that,i can't have a phone in the bedroom he doesn't like me walking down a certain path in case i see my ex if i go out during the day he has followed me accused me of seeing other people or my ex i have been out twice with my friends in three years the last time at Christmas was awful he took an overdose two weeks later he gets so mad at me he bangs his head on the walls at weekend he kicked the kitchen cupboard in because my friend brought me a kitten that was being abandoned and i kept it he went crazy because he hadn't given his permission also he doesn't like my friend coming round, once i was walking down the road and he drove onto the pavement at me i was terrified, if i go out he has to run me wherever i want to go and pick me up, he once said if i left he would strangle me he is going for counseling but i don't think it will help do you, i went to women's aid and they were great but i stopped going i feel like i let them down and don't like going back i thought he was getting better,we are having to move house soon because he doesn't like it here its to close to people i know i am dreading it i know something will happen soon i hope next time i have the guts to get out i just don't feel me anymore.is always saying he wants to die sometimes i wish he would,he erased numbers off my mobile that i get accused of all sorts if i take it out i am forty years old with three children the youngest his i try i really do he expects me to love him i feel dead inside i don't even cry anymore

sabin -
Comments - so about my marriage my mother-in-law wanted me to call her every day to tell her what i had done all day. If i did not she got upset at my family. She did not approve of my wedding arrangements, did not approve of my relatives, did not like the fact that i was very interested in my family and relatives. On the 21st of May,2002, she told my sister to find a new friend to replace me because i am married to her son now and no longer in need of my sister. My sister is no longer my family. My husband and his mother told me how my family takes advantage of me and how they have wasted my life.I am not a nice person because of my family.I should only talk to professionals. When i complained i was told i was an ungrateful bitch.My husband told me that he bought me from the ghettos to live in a big million dollar home. Yet all i did was complain.I did not deserve the food i ate, the clothes i wore.I did not deserve what he gave me. Nobody would want to marry me i was lucky he married me. things he said to me: I have a very big vagina big for 3 penises at one time so the next guy will throw me out next morning Since i cannot give him sex as he wants my family should replace me with my younger sister. It is my family's duty to exchange my sister instead of me since i cannot satisfy him HE always wanted a threesome me and his Dutch girlfriend and him I would be instantly terminated if i am pregnant with a baby girl. But if i am pregnant with a boy i can stay. I will be officially accepted as his wife by his family. I was constantly put down by his mother because i did not come up to her standards of the perfect daughter-in-law: I did not get up early enough to clean the house, to give her a hot oil massage. I cleaned and mopped the kitchen, the bathrooms, the bedrooms and the office.

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Everything was spotless but it was not good enough for his mother. I ironed the family's clothes did their laundry, washed their dirty dishes.I could not eat until he was satisfied with his food.If he did not like it he made me eat it and told his family not to touch my food He cursed my family, me ,said we had no integrity, no dignity .I made one mistake of talking to his friend's wife and asking her for advise on my problems.I was punished for that.I needed to be disciplined according to him.I was under constant surveillance and everything i did was monitored. I was forced to shovel and clean the driveway and the deck in the severe winter steorm of february even though i had a bad flue.My husband cursed me for being a lazy bitch and for making it an excuse for not wanting to work.I suffered the flue for 3 weeks after that.I was not allowed rest and medications.He did not allow me to sleep on the same room with him while i was sick. Outside the library he punched me and pushed me against the wall because he thought i was chatting with some guy in the library.He cursed my family and threatenned to terminate me.People saw this and just walked by.Nobody came to my help. He went to party with his family leaving me alone in the house. I was not allowed to attend their private parties because i was nt sophisticated enough. 'What is your net worth?' he always asked me.H e said things will improve if i start practising as a physician or i give him a boy. I really wanted a baby i thought a baby will save the MArriage.He told me i was illegal so i could not work or apply for a job.He said i needed to give his family 5 years for them to trust me. He said the FBI was looking for me and the only way safe for me was to live with him.He said if my parents even came close to his house he will have them arrested. I was his personal property ,my parents did not own me. He said he had life insurance on me if i left him he gets $250.000 but if he dies his life insurance money goes to the family trust .I dont get any share of that.He made me sign a postnuptial according t which i cannot recieve any form of spousal benefit.He said he woll make me sign a paper which will give him full parental custody of a child when i am pregnant. I lived with him for 9 months i still did not have the house keys.My name was not even on the house or the car.I could not even get a driver's licence.I was not allowed to learn driving because i did not need to go out. I was not given any money. Whatever i wanted i had to tell his mother or my husband to buy for me. I was not allowed to eat cake, chocolate, nuts, and certain fruit i could not sleep until he wanted me to sleep be it 1 am or 4 am.sometimes he wanted to do some home projects so i was supposed to work with him like cleaning his tools, arranging and putting things together till 4 am in the morning.I could not sleep because we were the home team.Once i slept at 10 pm while he was still working on his PROPERTY. He woke me up from sleep and accused me of taking drugs and told me to leave his house. He threatened to leave me ,he threatened to kill me. he threatened to expose me, he threatened to deport me. He said i only wasted his time .The minute he has evidence against me i will be instantly terminated.His favorite term: instant termination. He said he has my nude pictures on the internet on a website called 'hotsabin.com' his mother told me i was a bad example for the younger sons because she wanted them to marry into traditional pakistani families while i was totally opposite of that.Whatever i did was not good enough.I tried hard ,very hard but they were always finding faults in me. I could not even sit in the bedroom with the door closed because they thought it was too disrespectful. I have made many mistakes in this marriage..i should never have gone back to him...i should have left the first time he slapped me...i should have had him arrested..i am so depressed and pray to God to help me with all this. On march 25, 2003 he told me to leave his house because according to his resources i was on a special contraceptive injection.No mater what i said he did not believe me.I was a lier, a thief, a traitor, an unfaithful bitch.He kicked me on my face...i found out later i was pregnant...i did not know then.Although he did not kick my stomach .But i was unable to save the baby.I had thought of other options but deep down inside i did want the baby.I did not get anything from this marriage. I know whatever happened for the best ..the baby would have had to face many difficulties in life.. The saddest part of all this is that even after all that happened i still care for my husband.I did not get him arrested because i loved him.I was confused and wanted my marriage to work.But now i have decided not to go back.I am going to recover and not repeat the mistake twice. Thank you for listening to me sabin My advice to others trying to getout of the situation is to document everything he says to you.Try to record on tape the next time he abuses you.Don't think it will get better .The chances of him changing are zero.

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jewlie -
Comments - My relationship only lasted 5 months with a man who I believed suffers from bipolar disorder. His mental illness turned my life upside down. I met him in January 2003. I noticed him in a bar, standing by himself, looking a little awkward and uneasy. I watched him for a while and decided I like the way he looked. He was a good-looking man, nice build and sweet smile. I wondered why he stood there all alone? Buying him that first drink was the beginning of months filled with abuse and violence. I didn't see him too much in the first few months after we met. We would spend weekends together. I hated when he had to go. We had so much fun together and I always looked forward to the next time I saw him. He was very affectionate and attentive. It wasn't until March that I started noticing some unusual mood swings. And not just mood swings where someone is moody or miserable. I was either wonderful or perfect or evil and rotten. There never seemed to be a middle ground with him. I later learned that people who are bipolar are highly intolerant and unable to deal with the gray area in life. He was incredibly needy and emotionally dependant on me, needing constant reassurance, which I just couldn't give. Maybe because I am an independent person, who likes time alone and doesn't need other people compliments to keep me strong. I got him to see a doctor about his mood swings, he was diagnosed with depression and prescribed an antidepressant. The physical abuse started shortly after. The abuse always seemed worse when there was alcohol involved. We were at a bar having some drinks and I had decided to go and talk with a doorman who I used to work with ten years ago. My ex lost his mind. He told me I was being disrespectful and wondered how I could leave him standing there all alone. He slammed his glass into the wall, tearing off the top of his thumb. There was blood everywhere, I was trying to help stop the bleeding but he was yelling at me to get away from him. I calmed him down enough to get him into a cab and headed home. That was one night I should have left on my own. He was screaming and yelling at me in the cab about the horrible crime I had committed by talking to an old friend. He wondered how I could have disrespected him like that. He spit in my face and wrapped his fingers around my neck. I punched him clear in the face but received the exact same back along my jawbone. The next weekend was less violent; he mostly just tried to intimidate me. He showed his power by breaking my cordless phone, smashing it to the floor and kicked in my car destroying the front console. After that it only got worse. It was near the end of March and he was very upset that I didn't want to have sex with him. It was difficult to be affectionate and loving to someone who was constantly verbally abusive. I told him I'd sleep on the couch. That was fine with him - for about ten minutes. I knew he wouldn't stay in the bedroom because he never really sleeps. He approached me screaming and yelling, swearing and degrading about how I was his girlfriend and he should be allowed to have sex with me anywhere at anytime. He opened one beer after another, spraying each all over my apartment. My walls, cupboards, mirrors and floors were drenched in beer. I tried to run out the door but only got half way up the steps before I felt a hand on my arm. Before I knew it I was being pulled down my cement steps by my hair and pushed back into my apartment. He demanded I sleep in the bed. I didn't want to, I just wanted to go to sleep. It felt like I hadn't slept in months already. He broke my keyboard into two pieces just to make sure I understood who was in control. He made me perform oral sex on him as I cried and begged him not to make me do it. I though if I just complied with his wishes, he would let me finally go to sleep. It was already 5am and I was exhausted. The next two weeks were quiet. We decided to head out to a bar to play pool. I put some money down on the pool table and joined him at the bar for some drinks. I was up next so I got up and put my money in the table. I called for him to join me but he was in a conversation with someone at the bar. I decided to play by myself. I put my drink on a table where sat a black man and a chinese man. I finished my game only to look up and see him standing there, watching me. He walked out of the bar. I followed to see what I'd done to upset him now. He started screaming about how I wanted the black guy and how much he detested them. His kick nearly broke the headlight on my car. I ran and hid for awhile. I could see him pacing the parking lot, getting more agitated by the second. I had to find a way to my car, to get out - but I knew he would make it back to my house and things would be even worse.

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So I got in my car and picked him up. He was furious. He kicked in the windshield and passenger side window, kicked in the console of my car breaking the dashboard, ashtray and heater vents. He also stripped my parking break. He was always irritated and full of anxiety and always thought I was cheating or interested in everyone else but him. He would become angry if he thought I was making eye contact with someone. He was very insecure, constantly looking at himself in mirrors to make sure he looked ok. His need for attention was almost unbearable. He fed this need by flirting with females in bars. Sure he was a good-looking man and his first impressions were impressive. It impressed me. His soft-spoken words and crooked smile drew people to him. It was amazing to me to see the real him. The scared, pathetic, insecure little five-year-old boy who would pester me or pout until he got his way. I work with children with autism and was taught to ignore attention seeking behaviour - When I would ignore his bad behaviour it just seemed to infuriate him more. This behaviour management wasn't working for me. He always told me that he wished I didn't have a past. This way he didn't have to deal with any of the things I did back then. He was incredibly jealous. His insecurities made him do terrible things. He searched through my drawers, finding pictures and letters from my ex-boyfriend. Always wondering why I kept all the baggage. Baggage? I want my memories. I was forced to tear up every remaining memory of my past relationship. He would check my cell phone to see who had called, wondering if I spoke with any men. He made me delete old friends from my phone believing that I was having affairs with them. He loved to get high on crack yet hid it from me for the first few months. After having far too much to drink one night, he forced me to drive to my bank to withdraw $40.00 so he could buy crack. I gave him the money hoping he would just get out of my car and I could go home. He threw my keys into a gated lot where I had to crawl under a fence to retrieve them. As I drove away a flying kick almost broke my passenger side window again. It was usually quiet through the week. It was the weekends where the cycle of violence always increased. This time he broke my camera, tv converter, ripped bed sheets as well as punched me in the neck, chest and ribs, leaving bruises for days. I think my rib has just recently healed. He threatened on more than one occasion that if I tried to call the police or have anyone help bad things would happen to my family and me. He threatened to stab my cat, pour Lysol in my fish tank, burn me in my apartment and made threats to my ex-boyfriend and close friend. I guess threatening me made him feel powerful. He stole two credit cards and personal cheques, trying to cash $400.00. It all ended the last weekend in May 2003. After being forcibly confined to my apartment for 2 days, beaten and sexually assaulted, I was finally released to the police. I broke down and cried as I held my swollen head. I couldn't wash my hair for days because of the pain he had caused in the previous 48 hours. He hadn't slept in three days and had taken a total of 26 paxils. He stripped me of my clothes and made me sleep in the small space in between the wall and the bed. My head pounding from where he had punched me and pulled my hair. He kept my hair wrapped around his wrist for hours in fear that I would try and leave or call for help. I did try and leave a few times but I was caught and brought back into the apartment. I thought it was in my best interest to just do what he said hoping to end the violence. He urinated on me and made me lay in the bed, now cold and soaking wet. He didn't care how I felt. I guess he never really did. The final moments of that weekend will be forever embedded in my mind. His hand over my mouth and nose, trying to keep me from screaming. I couldn't scream, every breath I took was a breath for air. I pulled his fingers away from my mouth, cutting my nose with my fingernail, wanting to scream but gasped for air instead. I felt like I was drowning. The phone rang. It was my landlords upstairs, wanting to know if I was ok, that they had heard screaming. He got scared, took my car keys and left. I've read a lot about sexual assult. I was sure it didn't happan to me. Sex that isn't forcible but the person feels afraid and gives in to prevent more harm is Sexual Assult and it is a crime. I know that now. He ran for 2 weeks before the police found him. Making numerous phone calls every day to me. Taunting me that he had my car, scaring me, making me run from one home to another. 17 charges in all were laid from uttering death threats to sexual assult. I've read articles about severely abusive men. It states they likely had been raised in a violent home, in which his parents hit him as well as each other. I remember him telling me stories from his childhood, all of them made me shudder. It went on to tell that his own aggressive, disobedient behaviour during his youth contributed to the development of an Antisocial Personality Disorder as an adult. He probably had a long history of impulsive behaviour including motor vehicle infractions (he lost his licence for DUI), substance abuse (he abused crack cocaine and alcohol), and impulsive violence. He always worried about other men being interested in me, and, importantly, felt justified in using force to keep me under his control. His internal chaos with bipolar emotions often gave him the desperate need to control external events, situations and people because his internal world was so out of control. The external control gave him the sense of stability he lacked internally. If he didn't get his way he would resort to manipulation, episodes of raging or physical threats to get it. This created constant anxiety and fear in my life. He lacked self-soothing skills, unable to calm himself; he looked to me for this. He wanted me to put everything aside and tend to his needs yet became resentful and enraged when our relationship failed to meet his every need. He always felt sad and empty. He told me a few times he didn't want to get out of bed because the world is so scary. The more I read about bipolar disorder the more I understood what was going on in his mind. I know that abusive relationship expectations usually include demands for constant attention, frequent sex, and a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person, or give up everything else in your life. Because these expectations are based in the chemical/emotional imbalance, no matter how much I gave, it was never enough. He used to tell me when he didn't talk to be for a few days, I would disappear. He needed constant reassurance that I was still there and yes I loved him. If I was unavailable or busy he would become enraged triggering deep-seated abandonment. I read that people who are bipolar unconsciously seek out partners who have difficulty enforcing their boundaries or expressing their anger. I am a very passive person. Always have been. But waiting for the next drastic mood change or sudden emotional outburst kept me on edge, full of anxiety, unsettled and off balance. I started to hate the life I once loved so much. I believe he would disassociate during episodes of raging. Simple problems or issues were frequently blown out of proportion to crisis status. He was addicted to drama and loved the excitement. It's been 2 weeks since his arrest and I am still receiving harassing phone calls. One minute he is telling me how scared he is and how much he loves me and the next call is the threat that when he gets out of jail and my life is happy, he will be there, to ruin it for me. I think it will be a very long time before I can move on and trust again. I am angry that this man has taken my uncomplicated life and turned it into a total and utter mess. Everything I am, he said I wasn't. All the good things I did for him weren't enough. But I am strong and will survive and I know who I am. It's just sad that it had to come to this when all I really wanted out of this relationship was to get him the help he desperately needs.

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vicki -
Comments - My daughter has been married for a year to a verbal abuser. He makes her feel really awful and makes snide comments about her publicly to his family and even to my family. I had a phone conversation/argument with him the other day and he was trying to do the same thing to me. He was using every single vulnerability he thought could bother me and even said I am not a Christian or a good mother!

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Lex Lukester -
Comments - It had been going on for years but I didn't realize it. Plus, I was Catholic and felt strongly against divorce. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot, I'm a man. We always did what she wanted and when she wanted it. From sex to weekend plans. If I wanted to go out with the guys, I had to get permission first. I'm not talking about going to strip clubs and getting blind drunk. I'm talking about watching a game on tv, working on a car. That sort of thing. My career has always been very important to me. She, on many occasions, told me not to look, that we couldn't move, to stick with a bad job or bad boss. She would frequently fly into rages, screaming, yelling, cursing, making things up, accusing me falsely. Then days later she would be all lovey-dovey. I could never predict which person she'd be. I have the disease Major Depression. I've been on medication for it since 1992. Somewhere around 1997, it started getting worse. It culminated in a suicide attempt in 2002. I'm fine now and the disease is being controlled. Guess what? She wasn't sympathetic or supportive. Instead she seized the opportunity to take control, to dominate. The topper: In April of 2002, I was laid off. I had been continuously employed for 24 years prior to that. No layoffs or firings. Needless to say, it was a huge hit to my ego. It took 15 months to find a job. During the unemployment period, she regularly falsely accused me of not looking hard enough for a job. She told me repeatedly that I had changed (but would never say how). Suddenly, the money became "her money". She was major breadwinner now. Yet, I still got a small pension every month and for six months I got the maximum unemployment benefit allowed by Texas. Every time I wanted to spend a bit of money, she turned me down. One example: I signed up for an informational class. The fee was $125. I got the instructor to let me pay it $25 per month. After the first month, she told me to cancel. Yet when it came to things for her and my 3 teenage daughters, she always found the money for it. She asked me to leave and told me to leave on many occasions. She never said why. This terrified me. I had no income and nowhere to go. I was most afraid of how I would get my medicine (I'm on about 8 prescriptions daily). This really scared me, almost to death. The clincher came when she told me she didn't love me anymore. She never said that she loved me without me asking first. A couple of times, she responded "I'll have to think about it". So, is this emotional, verbal and/or mental abuse? I think so. After the last "I don't love you", I said that as soon as I got a job, I would move out and file for divorce. Then, I had two hot job prospects going on. Interviews. Very positive feedback. So I started my plan. I got a post office box so I could have things mailed to me that I didn't want her to know about. Since she controlled the money, I had to find a source that she didn't know about. Then I remembered that we had account for the kids where I was the custodian. I closed those accounts and opened a checking account at a bank. So far, I hadn't taken any action that was not reversible. Then came the day when I got a job offer! I knew I could implement the rest of the plan. I hired an attorney. Then I went looking for an apartment. Before I started the job, I had to go out of town for an interview on the other one. The day after I got back, I filed for divorce. I told her that I would be out by the end of the week. The period after I moved out has been ok but with some rough spots. She still tries to abuse me, on the phone or in person. I have had to keep a distance between the daughters and me because anything I say to one of the girls, gets back to her and becomes fodder for more abuse. The divorce is plodding along. It sure seems like I will get screwed. No one will consider the abuse, not my lawyer, not the judge. All they focus on is that I make 4 times what she does. I have absolutely no problem with paying to support the kids. Well, that's the up to date news. I'm feeling fine now, better than I have in a long time. I wish anyone who reads this, the best of health and much happiness.

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kym hodges -
Comments - i was in a relatoinship for 4 years he was very sweet into he started to control where i went and what i did. when i found out i was pergant he went into a rage. he said did'nt want any kids he said that they would take up all my time. i was afraid for my life and my unborn child. he would slap, choke,and throw me around iwas only 109 pounds. one time he put me in the icu ihad my babyit was a girl he loves my child very much . were not together any more but we still communacate for my childs shake.
Tara - Tkrall@honorfinance.com
Comments - I met my husband in high school when I was 17 years old. I am now 28 and have just gotten the nerve to leave him. Our relationship has always been rocky, lots of arguments, but it really went downhill when we got married. He has always verbally abused me (slut, bitch, cunt, whore, dumb, idiot, brainless, useless, etc.) But once we got married the constant criticizing started. From the way I ate, or did dishes, washed clothes, the way I looked, even the way I laughed. I felt like a constant irritation to him. I could do nothing right, ever. It got to the point where I stop talking. To anyone. I hated myself. I felt like a ghost. Then he started to poke, pinch, push, slap, punch me. He has beat every part of my body and NEVER once apologized. This is my 4th time leaving him. I have been gone 3 weeks. I have opened my own checking account, paid an attorney to file for divorce and am currently looking for an apartment. My family and friends have been my support system as well as anti depressants a support group and a therapist. If you think you are in an abusive relationship, you are and you must leave. Like I said before, this is my fourth time leaving. It only gets worse. I am finally getting some strength and looking forward to a life of peace. Take care all.

"" -
Comments - Three weeks ago I got the nerve to leave my boyfriend. It was a year and eight months of abuse. physical emotional and then sexual. We had a baby and he was responsible for her death. That was four months ago and I still coudn't leave him. I made myself believe it was my fault. His excuse for the physical was because i had a "big mouth". The emotinal because he was weak. The sexual because he thought I was cheating on him. The irony is he was cheating on me. He met her two weeks after our baby died. What I want everyone to know is that I know I didn't desrve it .I didn't ask for it, and I stayed because deep down inside I was afraid. Afraid that no one would love me because I was stupid, fat ugly, mean. I'm not.I can't help that I loved him that I still do. Even if I cry because I miss him, and because I wonder why he didn't love me, and if there is something really wrong with me that I didn't even deserve the scum of the Earth. I'm proud of me because I'm not there anymore, and I haven't gone back this time. I'm proud because I'm only 19 and I've been through hell and back and I'm still standing. I'm still alive scarred but alive, and he isn't going to be the first and last thing I think of every day. I'm proud of me even if no one else is.

jesse -
Comments - i was in a relationship that lasted,24 years...dysfunctional but is took place. I tryed to make it work for 18 years,but it didnt ...i tryed everything,including looking the other way and minding my own business.. for 18 years ,,my wife did infidelity and did it on a regular basis..then she would come home after i went out and found her and brougth her home and fixed her up.looking the other way would have been easy but she would push into my face the fact that i would get high and find other women..i told her before i started recovery that was true of both of us..thats way i stopped getting high..its been 15 years since i did that kind of thing..but she keeps making me pay for it...everyday.. well then one day she ended up finding a man and staying with him...i could not take it anymore...i tryed to talk her into staying and leaving this guy.she wouldnt..it was hard i took the kids and raised them the best i could. i took a job and went to school and raised my kids...there were three of them..i ended up finally divorcing her and getting into another dysfunctional marriage,i left one to get into another. as soon as i got involved with this women she had me quitting my job and moving to another state,and beginging anew.which i did..first thing she did was change her name to my name ,then she put her name on my bank account and put me on her account..then to make me feel good she gave me her card and told me to hang on to it..only problems ,,not much in the account.she also had me doing alot of things at first didnt seem wrong as time came and went it did seem wrong things like cleaning house and doing dishes ,,rubbing her back and never rubbing mine..as soon as i got a job my check would go to her..it would all go into bills and thats it..i didnt see any of my money at all. after 2 years..iam trying to get out,but its hard ,because i really do care about her andlove her and her 4 kids..butshe is to controling to me.. as i write this ,,iam leaving out the door and i really dont know if i can stay away ,,since ive been away 10 times before..my wife has everyone believing that iam the one who is dysfunctional and not her...now iam finally doing it ..my clergy and allthe church admin believes that iam a nut case ,for being married to her.they ask her way is she with me..even her kids say that..so iam leaving now ,but its hard.real hard..but after reading your stories ,,i knew i could get out..now iam...bye...

s58i -
Comments - i get beaten up by my little sister. i get nightmares and can't get to sleep. someone SAVE me!!!

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Jayne -
Comments - I wish i had a break free story to tell. i'll instead tell you what happened just one hour ago. my live in boyfriend has a tendency to be dishonest. he was gone until late last night while i was sick (i'm pregnant with his child) at home. when i called him for a favor to drive somewhere, he told me he couldn't talk because he was on the other line on an important phone call. when he came home, i was curious and looked into his phone to see who he was talking to. he had deleted his call log. so i broke into his cell phone account on line and found out who he was talking to - which turned out to be an ex girlfriend. he had talked to her for almost two hours. after confronting him, he demanded that I tell him who is giving me the information, accusing me of sleeping with someone from the cell phone company. when i told him that i did it online, he forced me to show him how i did it. i refused. he hit me multiple times with a pillow across my head and insisted that i had a choice of showing him my resources or to continue getting hit. when i still wouldnt show him, he continued to slam the pillow across my head. during the ordeal, he has shoved me, grabbed my face and pushed it, and called me MANY, MANY names. He has even brought up the fact that the child i'm pregnant with is not his. he won't give me my house key back, because he said that he'll keep the key until he's READY to move all his things out. I don't know what to do without calling the police, i think it will make him hate me more. can anyone give some kind of advice?

Gina -
Comments - To anyone that is reading this, I hope my situation helps you break away from a bad relationship. i have lived with a man substantially younger than me for the past 16 months. It started out wonderfully, and gradually, every time i walked out of the door to just be with my friends, he would accuse me of cheating and call me over and over again on my cell phone. I just took it as flattery at the beginning, because i thought he cared about me and wanted to know where i was and the fact that he was worried about me cheating in my mind, meant that he was just concerned. Well, very rapidly, things began to worsen. I couldnt' leave the house at all without being accused, so i stopped going anywhere just to avoid the confrontation. When the holidays came around, i just stayed home, because at least i knew that i wouldn't be accused of cheating. As time went by, i couldn't even take a shower without being accused of "getting ready to go out and get laid". I would have to shower when he was at work, just so i didn't have to hear about it. He would hide or throw away all my makeup and perfume, hide all my clothes and he would actually hit me if he didn't like something that i had on. to make matters worse, for my birthday, i received two beautiful kittens from a dear friend of mine, they were barely 10 weeks old. i gave them much attention and i think he didn't like that so, first he killed the female and the next day when i went to the grocery store, he beat the little boy with a hammer. i finally called the police. that was the end of my straw. i always thought it was my fault, because he would call me fat and ugly and old. and he would never show me any affection what so ever. he would leave me stranded at work, take my car and i would have to get rides home or take a cab. he would withhold any affection, he would withhold sex and he would check my cell phone everyday, but the funny part was, he would do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted and i better not say anything, or he would push me or hit me. i thought that i was weak because i would try to do anything to make things better, but i then figured out that it wasn't my fault, and there wasn't a thing i could do to make it better. the problem was that i loved him, no matter what he did. but, eventually you wake up. THANK GOD and you see that its not you, its them. if anyone would like to contact me at any time, please do so. i would love to talk to anyone that wants to talk, i don't judge people. being in an abusive relationship has taught me alot. #1 don't judge a book by its cover, it can be very deceiving.

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Billy -
Comments - My girlfriend rapes and beats me. i got free then she shuved a dildo up my tooshie. Now it's over and I just wanted every man to know how brutally swollen my anis was. My mom thought she was a nice girl. And i was extremly attractive. but then she turned me on like a vicious dog and now my mom and her are having a relationship im so scared theyre going to gang up on me and shove dildos in my tooshie. They go shopping everyday i hope the dont buy a bigger one that before! but she didnt need to rape me!

Holly Cox -
Comments - I do not believe that you received my follow up: So I'll try again. I would love to tell you about my history with Domestic Abuse and the Cycle as well as my part as an Advocate. Right now, however, as an advocate and the Executive Director of a Domestic Violence/Crisis Center, I am about to confront this issue head on and need some help. We have suffered another death at the hands of DV. I am wondering how much effort would it have taken for a police officer to make a call to me to let me know that there was a victim who needed my help.... But I never got a phone call from a police officer, as a matter of fact, I have NEVER gotten a call from any law enforcement agency for my assistance in linking them to aide for a victim. NOT ONCE! No wonder the rate for DV has increased in the past twenty years. Anyone got anything to add.... Nicole Brown Simpson can no longer speak for herself...

no sirry boba -
Comments - i just told him to shut the heck up and i left
 

Chloe* -
Comments - since i was about five years old my mum was popping pills and getting drunk all the time when she came home from the pub she would come into my room and blame me for my parents seperation because she had me when she was just 14. she would walk up to my bed and pull me up by my hair and smah my head with the beer bottles and spit on me calling me filthy names, i would be so scared i would start peeing myself. when i was about ten, i picked up a knife and stabbed my mum in the leg, i dropped the knife and ran, since then i have lived on the streets as a prostitute and a drug addict but only know after i found out i have aids i have decided to change my life as a born again christian

karen -
Comments - I filed for divorce 9/3/03 after a 25 year marriage. He threw coffee cups, remote controls, shoved and exercise bike through a wall, three dresser drawers, cussed me , flipped me the bird, left me in a downtown metropolitan area alone at night, hit me, Theatened me with a baseball bat, threatened my children, yelled, repeatedly told me I needed to see a physciatrist, said I provoked him, ripped counter stripping of counter, threw saucers that stuck in walls, crushed potato chips all over carpet, squeezd all toothpaste out of tube, threated to divorce and leave me until I took him up on it, then told me I was sick, depressed mentally ill. Drove fast and frightened me when mad. Threatened his own life, pulled his own hair, stuffed rags into his mouth. Broke a family sign with all our names on it. Broke my quilt rack, knocked curio cabinets off walls. Hung up on me repeatedly. He broke towel rods and ripped shirt apart. I know what it sounds like when every button on a shirt hits the wall as it pops off. Now I'm living separate with my kids and going to counseling and Divorce Care at at Baptist church. Our final hearing is Dec. 23,2003. I have alot of pain and he and his mother are begging me to return home. THis is hard. But I know the way he treated me was not love. It was abuse. I don't know why sometimes I feel sorry for him and his lonliness. I wish I didn't.

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Cecilia Alegria -
Comments - It was love at first sight with him.I knew that he was a psycho jealous person from the very biginning, but stayed becuase I loved him. It started our with all of the classic symptoms of an unhealth relationship, and quickly got worse. Even though I was married to him, was with him all day and every day, and was pregnant with his child, I was still forced to walk with my head down in public so "no one would look at me" and so "I wouldn't look at anyone." Nothing I ever did was right. If it was just him and I alone, we never fought and we got along great as long as nothing from my past was never brought up. Then, when I got tired of keeping my mouth shut and would hit back, it got worse. He has punched me while I was pregnant, threatened my life, tried to suffocate me twice, slapped me, put a knife to my throat, and all of this in front of our 3 year old daughter. All these instances happened numerous times. I put up with it for 4 years trusting his every vow that he would change because he loved me so much. Then he tried to strangle me for trying to leave him. Throughout these 4 years I never kept my mouth shut. I always made as big of a deal about it as necessary. Both of out families knew about it. I would cry to my friends and family, and his family would try to correct his horrible habbits, but I would still stay because I loved him so much. I never believed that I was in any "real" danger becuase he never actually beat me black and blue. So I'd stay,continue to put up with the emotional abuse, and accept every apology and promise. When I serously decided to leave him was when we were having one of our usual fights, and I didn't only look into my daughter's eyes, but I "saw" her. I saw how much it hurt her little innocent heart to see the two people that she loved the most in the whole world treating each other like that. She would yell at him for pushing me,and would yell at me for yelling at him. Poor thing didn't know who to root for.She had been caught in the middle since before she was born. No matter how much I loved that man, I loved my daughter so much more and refused to let him and I put her through that toument any longer. But police and protective orders don't always work. You need to get tough and speak up. But since I wasn't tough, I'm lucky it didn't get worse than it did. Thank God that I didn't stay with him long enough to make him do anything stupid to himself, to me, or to our daughter. And I also thank God that I had my friends, and family there to help me throught it all. My boyfriend was the one that helped me the most.He was there for me when even my parents didn't know what to do. He took me in and protected me from him, and is helping me raise my daughter as if she was his own. My daughter's father has become a better daddy since I left him, and is still a constant in her life which is all I ever wanted. Although he still threatens my boyfriend and I and wants me back, I know that he is slowly but surely moving on with his life,and I hope he will be happy with whoever he ends up with. I will always love him, and we will always be there for each other if we ever need anything. Things are slowly getting to the way they should be. No one can convince you to leave anyone, and not just anyone can change. You need to find it within yourself to believe that you don't deserve it. You let it happen in the biginning, so you're the only one who can truly make it stop.

lila -
Comments - i was beat by my dog repeatedly. i did not mean to crap in his doghouse. i am sorry. i think he should be prosecuted and fixed so i cannot get pregnant. thank you

leigh -
Comments - i feel that my situation is different from other's because my abuse is dealing with my father. it is complete mental and emotional abuse that has drive men so far in the past that i tried to commit suicide. my dad is very very religious so that is also messed up, but he has a narcississtic personality. if anyone has similar situations please e-mail me

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Erica Wiggins -
Comments - once upon a time, you loved me you wouldn't let me fall. once upon a time, i loved you your word, you said, was true... now your foul face haunts me my nightmares, more frequent i dream of the day you leave me i dream of the day i'm free. you act as those your words dont hurt or maybe you know they will you pierce me with your venom relentless till you kill... my emotions are your game you know me in and out you know my every weakness you'll play that card, no doubt. my mask of security is shattered million pieces on the floor you beat me till I'm battered yet you still go on for more. you can see that i am breaking you can see that i hate life you can see my pain arising you can see me grab this knife you know my soul so well your advantage, i can't beat you stab at my vulnerability All I want is to be free.... free of my insecurity free of your vicious eyes free of this complexity... yet freedom will be as i die you've pushed me over the edge you've won your stupid game you've gained support from outsiders as you trashed and humiliated my name no one sees your evil no one sees your flaws to busy being what they are animals, addicted to claw they're brainwashed beasts blinded to who I am. he says I should die their conscience wont even ask why sharks in a pool the smell of fresh new blood attacking viciously at my heart hungry; as they my soul apart. the master of deception watches contently at afar he finds it all so amusing as my name and body's scarred my life passes before my eyes as i see his hunger grow i realize now he'll never stop until my blood, stains his snow i used to think i deserved this my mistakes were all but clear but now i see its murder and this is what i fear: my life is all but ended there's nothing i can do once I'm gone I'm worthless but your form, will stay true you'll find another victim an innocent soul at that trap them in your warped games and keep them like a rat you experiment with their reactions laugh at them as they cry cry for their escape cry for their own lives... you suck the soul out of them just as you did to me you take away their honour you take their humanity As I see him scar them I wish I could convey he doesn't stop abusing until you walk away. now we see you for what you are but its all over and done we lie upon the shattered glass your icy whisper says... "i won"

mel -
Comments - ok you people probably think im selfish, i havent personally been abused but for 3 years i had to watch my mother be beaten every day. i felt that was hard enough alone i couldnt bare to think what my mother was going through. her then boyfriend would come home eat his dinner (thats if it was good enough if it wasnt we would know) and then beat her till she couldnt breath. when this was happening i knew i had to be strong for my mum because if she knew i was upset she would feel she had failed me, even though i was old enough to know it wasnt her fault and victims of this abuse are unable to do anything about it, i knew i had to help my mum, but june 2002 i had nearly lost my mum 4 times twice when she was beaten really bad and twice due to her taking an overdose she just gave up, i dread the thought of me not finding her in time, i still remember standing at the top of my stairs when the ambulance came i had froze, i didnt know what to do, i couldnt lose my mum not now, she had been so strong for so long. i havent got a father my dad walked out on me when i was just 4 so i never really got a bond with him like i have with my mother and if i lost her i would have nothing. luckily my mum pulled through and she is now as well as can be expected, although she has ibs due to the stress caused (irritable bowel syndrome). me on the other hand i am coping i suppose, i find i have literally no confidence what so ever i wont leave the house on my own and if i do its to go somewhere very close. people tell me im a pretty girl and im intelligent but when i look in the mirror i see the girl who didnt help her mum who let it happen, i could of done something but never did, but its gettin better before i was down 24/7 today i am feelin better about myself i am goin to college in september to meet new people and currently seeing someone which i didnt think i ever would as i was scared the same would happen to me as what happened to my mum, but trust is everything, just be careful who it is you start trusting, if you read this thankyou so much, knowin someone knows what im goin through who dont know me and cant judge me makes me feel better in myself, and 4 anyone who is a victim of abuse dont hesitate to call the police if you are scared dont be they will keep you safe and make you happier aas a person, also there are counsillers out there who give it their all to help you if you can see sum1 they are your friends! luv ya all and take care xXx.

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Jean -
Comments - My abuse is at the workplace. My supervisor threatens to fire me if I open my mouth about her to her superior's. She also said I am not authorized to talk with her superior's for any reason. I put in a request for time off (vacation leave) twice in two years. Each time she makes negative comments on them . This time it said Jean - Do not approve anyone else for this time frame. Obviously, with staffing shortags everyone is not going to get what they want. Joyce My department does not have a staffing shortage but we anticipate one person retiring. She lied to me and said the personnel department is holding up the paperwork to fill the item. When I questioned personnel, they said they did not know anyone was retiring. Joyce never spoke with them. When I confronted her she said her superiors will probably not be filling the position as items are not being filled anymore. (This too, was her mind playing tricks). She wanted my staff to be trained to work in the mail room even though it was out of title. I am a Telecommunications Analyst. She said I have to work in mail room when a clerk is out. I believe she does this to demean me and other people I supervise. She goes past me to my employees and orders them to do things like keeping logs of the calls they receive on the switchboard with no explanation why leaving employees feeling threatened about their jobs. She makes the mailroom clerks count the boxes again doing the same type of threat to them. She, herself told me she was abused by her father so now we suffer the consequences of her not getting appropriate counseling for herself. If we go to management above her, nothing seems to change and she is supported and believed when she tells lies about people which she tells me about others. Going over her supervisor is another abusive employer who has already been to court several times for the same thing. Any advice? Any guidelines? Any way I can document and prove my case better to stop this torture? I believe because of her my blood pressure is high. When she became my supervisor and I had to deal with her abuse I got palpitations, and high blood pressure. I had cancer in the past and am afraid the stress may trigger it again. Please help me by giving some advice.

- shemickaevans
Comments - I really need a break free tip. I have been with the same man for about 8 years, since the age of 19. I have two children, 6 and 4, both boys. I have not really been physically abuse because he tried and I always seem to win!! It is more verbal, I am cheating on him, ( with everyone from my brothers to the neighborhood drunk!!). I have tried leaving him several times but he just follows me. He will slash my tire to prevent me from leaving. He will stand outside my home at 3 o clock bamming on the door for me to let him in. He insult me in front of his friends and has no respect for me and I have suffered because of it. I smoke cigarettes heavily, my hair is falling out, I has lost wieght, I have ulcers and I get migraine headache on a regular basis and now I am starting to drink more than the usual for myself. He even went to the lengths of trying to kidnapped our son. The children love him but I don't. I am tired of him and I really need help. I am so scared that he might hurt me or my children. I know that I said that he has not been physically abusive but that could all change. My uncle, who is a pastor, told me that I am sitting on a ticking time bomb and I believe him. Please give me some help on want I can do. I do not want to go to a women's shelter because I have a section 8 voucher and can move anywhere in the state. I JUST NEED HELP!! PLEASE!!! I really want away from the man. I am afraid that my children will grow up to have the same attitude that women are only good for one thing and yes he tells my children that. His mother watched him slap me one time and she locked me out of her house because she did not want to get involved, but someone needs to. The only time I get away from him is in when I go to school. And since it is my "fault" that he does not have a job he babysits. I am barely making ends met. But I would do anything to get as far away from him as I can!!! Maybe you can help by giving me some websites that have houses that accept section 8 and while I am at school I could be making preparations to get my children and myself away from this man.

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Josephine Thompson -
Comments - I lived with an extremely violent abuser for almost 14 years; I reached bottom at the 12 year mark, overcame suicidal impulse, proceeded to grow--he proceeded to intensify attacks. I fled for my life with 5 children in 1987. After the horrendous ordeal of realizing the depth of harm done to us; I rebuilt, gained education and after years of work as a Trainer and domestic violence counselor I am giving back for all victims: TORN FROM the INSIDE OUT, domestive violence narrative memoir.

cirrus -
Comments - PLEASE HELP ME TO UNDERSTAND MY FATHER.HE IS 59 YEARS OLD. MY FATHER WAS THE ONLY CHILD.HIS PARENTS WERE TOO PROTECTIVE TOWARD HIM.WHEN SOMBODY DIED IN HIS TOWN HIS PARENTS WOULD MOVE HIM IN ANOTHER VILLAGE SO HE WOULD NOT SEE PEOPLE CRY.WHEN HE WAS A CHILD HE STABBED HIMSELF IN THE EYE AND FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE HE HAD A PROBLEM WITH SELFRESPECT AND CONFIDENCE.HE GOT MARRIED AND HAD ME AND MY SISTER.ALL HIS LIFE HE REPEATED TO US THAT WE ARE ALL HE HAS: HIS DAUGHETERS, SISTERS, FRIENDS....HE WAS VERY POSSESIVE TOWARD US-NO BOYFRIENDS. I HAD THE FIRST BOYFRIEND WHEN I WAS 20 YEARS OLD.WHEN I HAD A PROBLEM AND WANTED TO TALK TO HIM HE WOULD JUMP AND CURL ON THE BED SCREAMING. HE WOULD CALL ME NAMES, WE WOULD USUALLY FIGHT, HE WOULD BEAT ME USUALLY WITH HIS BELT OR HANDS. ONCE I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH THE IMPRESSION OF HIS HAND ON MY FACE.ONCE HE GRABBED HIS GENITALS (THROUGH HIS PANTS)AND SAID HE IS GOING TO PEE ON ME.MY MOTHER WOULD ALWAYS SIT ON THE SIDE NOT TELLING ANYTHING, IF SHE WOULD SAY SOMETHING HE WOULD GRAB HIS COAT AND RUN OUT TELLING THAT HE IS LEAVING US. AFTER FEW HOURS HE WOULD COME BACK, TOUGHT. MY MOTHER WOULD TELL ME THAT IT IS ALL MY FAULT THAT WE FOUGHT. HE CHEATED ON MY MOTHER IN FRONT OF US CHILDREN. ONCE OUR FRIEND TOLD US THAT HE OFTEN COMES IN HIS STORE TO PHONE HIS MISTRESS. WHEN HE HAD A CAR ACCIDENT OUR PROMISCUOUS NEIGHBOUR WOULD COME AND STAY WITH HIM AFTER MY MOTHER WENT TO WORK AND US CHILDREN TO SCHOOL.SHE WOULD USUALLY SIT HALF NAKED ON HIS BED WHILE WE CHILDREN WOULD WATCH THAT. WHEN MY FATHER FIND OUT THAT I HAD BOYFRIEND HE WENT CRAZY. HE SAD THAT HE WILL RENOUNCE ME AS HIS DAUGHTER IN LOCAL NEWSPAPERS.HE CALLED ME A WHORE AND HE THREATENED MY BOYFRIEND AND HIS MOTHER. FOR A YEAR HE DID NOT WANT TO TALK TO ME. I DID NOT TELL YOU , BUT HE NEVER PAYED HIS BILLS. HE ASKED US CHILDREN TO LIE TO THE BILL COLLECTORS.WE WOULD LOCK OURSELF IN THE HOUSE AND SHAKE OF THE FEARE WHILE BILL COLECTORS WERE KNOCKING ON THE DOOR. HE IS PHARMACIST AND MY MOTHER WORKS IN THE MILK FACTORY. WHERE ALL THEIR MONEY WENT I STILL DO NOT KNOW. WE LIVED IN BOSNIA AND DURING THE WAR MY FATHER BEHAVED AS A LITTLE CHILD. HE COULD NOT DEAL WITH REALITY. HE WOULD SIT USUALLY CURLED ON THE BED NOT TALKING JUST LOOKING ALL DAY THROUGH THE WINDOW.MY HUSBAND AND I WENT TO CANADA AS REFUGEES, WHERE WE ARE NOW.I CALLED MY MOTHER AND FATHER TO COME AND VISIT US, BUT MY FATHER SAID HE IS AFRAID OF FLYING, THEN LAST YEAR HE TOLD ME TO LOOK FOR HIS VISA , HE IS NOT AFRAID ANY MORE. THEN A FEW MONTHS AGO HE CALLED ME AND SAID TO STOP LOOKING FOR HIS VISA BECAUSE HE IS AFRAID AGAIN.AFTER TALKING WITH THEM ON THE PHONE I AM SHAKING, CRYING AND I AM UPSET FOR HOURS. PLEASE HELP ME TO UNDERSTAND MY FATHER. CIRRUS P.S. I APOLOGIZE IF MY SPELLING IS NOT CORRECT.

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Paige -
Comments - I did not fully recognize that I was abused by my ex-husband until I was going through a divorce. Like many people, the word abuse always conjured up images of black eyes and bruises to me. After being married for ten years to a husband who was manipulative, financially controlling, unfaithful and then villifying, I was depressed, disorganised, lacking in self esteem, and feeling very gulity. My ex-husband would coerce me into having sex when I did not want to - my alternative was usually being kept awake and badgered with arguments until my head was spinning and I would say anything to get to sleep. To anyone who has not had someone intentionally deprive you of sleep, I'm sure that this wouldn't sound so horrible, but it was. We owned a business together, from which I never saw cash. He would keep the cash receipts in his wallet, stuff his wallet under his side of the bed at night and remove it to his pocket in the morning. He said that he did this because I was reckless with money - I wore tattered clothes and spent money only on taking care of my family, I never spent money on myself. I started to withdraw to the point where I felt that I was no longer really there for my children. As I withdrew, the criticisms grew fiercer - he started to try to psychoanalize me. At one point he had decided that I was autistic! The more I was criticized, the more responsibility I took on. I was running two of my own businesses and working from pre-dawn to after midnight every day. Because the situation did not happen over night, I had become inured to it all until I was able to step away from the situation when I separated from my husband. What I saw when I took a look back scared me. He scared me. After we separated he started stalking me. He would come into my house when I was not there. On one occasion he stole a check from my check book, on another he stole a great deal of cash. He spied on me, which is something that he also did while we were married, (I believe it was another way of taking control from me). He accosted me in public, screaming obscenities at me. He would pursue me and incite an argument with me - I would be unprepared, terrified, and enraged; on one occasion I did hit him, but I felt that I was defending myself. He later used that against me to say that I was the abusive party. When I went to my lawyer to pursue the divorce I was more concerned with getting away from him than I was with really protecting myself, my children (I had this idea that he was, although a jerk to me, a ggod father) and our future. My lawyer did not recognise that I was under duress and not making sound decisions. I made decisions that are still affecting us today. I gave my ex-husband partial custody of the children, and agreed to pay for half of everything. I gave him the house, and took a cash settlement (from which $25,000 was stolen). Almost three years later I am still struggling. I still have to face his manipulative behavior. I feel helpless, and I believe that my children are suffering because of decisions that I made. My ex-husband receives rent from the property that we had owned together that exceeds my current monthly income. Meanwhile, I am paying rent and struggling every month to make ends meet. When I tried to get child support from him, his lawyer used financial figures that my ex-husband had given him, (which were very loosely footed in reality), to make me out to be a spend crazy, irresponsible and therefore uncaring parent. I never contacted the police or even made any accusations about the money that was missing from my house because I was afraid, (I certain that he had stolen the money), so I was unable to defend myself. At the time that the theft occured I was trying to weigh the damage that would be caused to my children if the situation escalated if I accused their father, against the damage that had been done to me. I was also aware that I was not supposed to have that much money in cash - so what would I have said to the police anyway? I live in an area where the public schools are not very good at all - we usually have the lowest standardized test scores under the American flag. The private schools are very expensive and I would have trouble affording even the cheapest of them. My children's father is driving a new car, and is talking to friends of mine about investing in very expensive commercial property. Meanwhile, I am scraping together enough to keep us fed, clothed, and housed. My ex-husband is saying that he cannot afford to pay the kids' tuition by himself. I did sign agreement to pay for half the tuition, but the reality is that it is not possible. My ex-husband knows this and is now trying to ruin me financially by forcing me to keep the agreement. I am going to try to force him back into mediation to ammend our agreement, but I am not very confident that I will see a fair outcome. I am also concerned about my children's physical well being when they are at their father's. I went to a local family couselling center and was told that it is unlikely that I will be able to get custody of my children. Apparently the courts see a change in custody as usurping parental rights. I can't communicate with my ex-husband. I've tried everything from being firm to being pollyanna. I am concerned for their welfare when they are with their father. When I pick them up from there they are unkempt and exhausted, and they having problems socially and academically. I don't think that being split between two homes mid-school week has been good for them. Their father is not often home and the children are being left either alone or with a not very reputable woman that my ex-husband refers to as "the kids' nanny". When I talk to people about the problems that I have had, sometimes I feel like I am crazy. It isn't possible that anyone would behave this way to another person, or use their children as a weapon. Even now, when I am free of the daily abuse and only having to deal with the residual effects, I need to have affirmation that I'm okay. This really did happen and I am not blowing it out of proportion. It happens to people every day. Recently, a woman with whom I work confided in me that her husband was abusing her. I told her my story, and I was amazed at myself for the good advice that I gave her. I wish that there had been someone there for me when I needed to be told the same things. I gave her a place to stay, and told her not to act or react until she felt that she was safe. I am going to be struggling with these issues for a long time. But, I lived through ten years of degradation and abuse. I'm strong and I'm a good person. My children have a difficult path ahead of them as well. When they get to an age where they start to challenge their father they will probably confront a lot of the same behaviors that I did. I am trying to teach them to be independant and self assured. I think that they are learning right from wrong and they know that they have a safe home with me. When the time comes, I want them to be able to protect themselves. If I could change one thing in my history it would not be to delete the ten years that I was married, but rather to delete the rash decision that I made in regard to custody of my children. I am healing, but now I have to watch them suffer.

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pat -
Comments - I HAVE A HUSBAND THAT CALLS ME NAMES AND HE GETS MAD WHEN I TELL HIM TO QUIET POKING ME IN THE REAR END WITH A KIFE HE SAYS I AM JUST PLAYING BUT IT DOES NOT FEEL VERY GOOD SO THEN HE CALLS ME A BITCH AND A HOLE SO WHAT DO I DO ABOUT THAT? THANK YOU PATSY

leah freeman -
Comments - I am twenty-nine years old and was married to an abuser for seven years. The abuse started while we were dating and carried over into our marriage. I was broken down emotionally by him and my self esteem was so low that I allowed him to ridicule me, beat me, rape me and he even brought me to the point of anorexia through all of his mental abuse. I weighed 148 when we got married and by the time I left him I weighed barely 100 lbs. He would make up songs about my weight, "fattie-fattie-boom-ba-laddie" was one of them and he would encourage my son to join in and sing with him. It was a nightmare!!! The final straw for me was when Rob and I had been in our bedroom fighting for over an hour when I looked over my shoulder and saw my seven year old son huddeled over in a fetal position up against our bedroom wall, he had heard everything and was pale as a ghost. It was at that time that I realized I had to get the hell out, if not for myself for at least my Tyler. Bless his heart he was always trying to protect me and a lightbulb went off that day that I didn't care what it took I was going to give my son a normal childhood! So, I started planning my leave, with the help of two friends, I left almost everything material with my ex, but I took my life back. I filed a restraining order, filed for divorce, and fought in court for primary residency, along with putting myself and Tyler in free counseling services, and used a student loan to buy furniture and pay rent, since I had nothing. One year later I am Leah again, not a victim but a person! I won't lie and say it is easy because leaving was the most difficult thing I had ever done, but I gave my son a chance in life and I know for that I am proud of myself and I know he will be forever graeful.

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Ketina C. -
Comments - Ottoman continued: After that episode he began to act nice! But I had decided that enough was enough and hatched a plan to leave for once and for all. But he foiled it by insisting that he see me before I leave for church with my mother and that by insisting that he pick me up from church just an hour into service. So, I regrouped this past monday I wasn't feeling well and took a sudfed and took a nap on the futon with that damn cellphone on my chest. Meanwhile I had chicken in the oven on 200. After talking to him the last time an hour goes by but I was sleep. The phone rings but no one is on it and I call him back and he curses me saying hes called ten times and I wouldn't answer the phone. Obviously, something was wrong he the reception and I insisted that it didn't ring. He hung up and I called back he cused me again and then comes through the door five minutes later. He comes in and slaps me twice after I've stated that I don't know what the problem was. Then he insist thatI sit at the table and tell him what is going on. Thinking not that the house has burned down from the chicken in the 200 degree oven but that I'm cheating. A day later I visit my mother to give her a late mothers day gift and hatch my next plan. Wed of this past week she comes and get me out and we barley make it as we leave he pulled up saying what did he do wrong! Abuser's dont think that they do anything wrong!I was feeling hopeless, and lost and like I just couldn't do anything right but it was him not me. I know that I need to be deprogrammed and I can never lose sight of the fact that no matter how much I think I love him his love is possession and that is not love. To breakfree always have a plan of exit and always have your essentials at hand and organized if I had been just 10 minutes later I would not have made it out. I kept everything together planning for weeks to leave just waiting for the right moment to present it self the only thing that got me was I told me mother not to call me so she just came and I didn't have my things at the door but they were still well orgainized. See I couldn't change him when I came back this last time he promised not to touch me again he lied, and his verbal and emotial abuse was just as bad calling me a piece of shi-. Or requireing that I constantly prove my love. Bear in mind as you read this that this man is sober no alchol no drugs............. And I hope that its helps someone to get out......................

Heather Hawthorne -
Comments - i was in a very verbally abusive relationship for about six months.see he lived in Va and i lived in Pa and we only saw each other three times.He is in the navy as well.I don't know where to start.Well it all started with him getting angry over petty situations always making me look like the bad guy.He would flip out if i wanted to go with my friends,family,etc.if i did go he'd call me every hour and believe me i gave him hell for this.But he always made me feel guilty like i need to be home to talk with him at all times.I tried to break it off several times.He would call my house cussing at me my mother and my sister,if i wouldn't talk to him.Then i talked to him "stupid Me".he said i'm sorry i love you i just don't want to lose you.I would feel bad and forgive him everytime.The second time i tried to break away,he told me he'd kill me if he ever saw my whore face again.I was scared because he was going to be home on leave that week.I tried not to worry.Then he was home.He drove by my house every night.I saw him.He would call my house all day and night about every minute.One day while i was home alone he stopped by the house cuz there was no cars here so he probably figured i was the only one home.I went to the door and told him to get out of here or i'd call the police.He just laughed and said they won't do nothing they won't believe you. As i got ready to slam the door in his face he grabbed my arm and slapped me across the face and said that's what you get you nasty whore.Then i called the police but it was too late he was gone.Eventually he was caught and reprimanded.He served no jail time only a slap on the wrist from the navy.After all this he still tried to contact me.I found a way and safely ended this for good.I know feel stronger and wiser.I will never again let a man make me feel like i'm worthless nor tell me how to live.This is my story.

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next: My Story of Surviving Domestic Abuse
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An inspirational essay on hope, life stories, and failure.

Life Letters

You sit before me now, head down, while your face seeks shelter in your hands. "I failed," you confess, sounding hollow and broken. I attempt to comfort and reassure you. When you finally look up at me, I'm not seen, and not heard You're so lost inside of your pain and disappointment that my words can't find you. I can't find you. We sit side by side, both feeling inadequate. Your hurting right now, feeling adrift and sick inside. In my silence, I try to communicate to you that you're not alone. I'm here. Right beside you. And I still believe in you.

I decide to write you a letter - one you can carry in your pocket to remind you of my caring. A note to read when you're more open to my message. I know it won't take your pain away or magically transform your beliefs, but maybe it can hold a seed -one which will eventually emerge from the rich and fertile ground in which I lovingly planted it.

So you failed. And this failure wounds you so profoundly that it's penetrated deep into your psyche. It may even have become an integral part of who you believe yourself to be. Today, you look into your mirror and see a failure. I look into your eyes and see the wisdom born of pain. And it hurts, this learning. I know. I know. I've felt its sting before. I've been thoroughly haunted by my own mistakes, miscalculations, and self-judgments. I've fallen too. Again and yet again.

Just like you, I forget during those moments when my folly is first discovered - what I know. What we both know. Defeat isn't the theme of our unique stories, it isn't what defines who we are, where we'll go or who we'll become. It only reminds us that we're not alone. That we share the legacy of all human-kind, that we all will fail from time to time. Each of us stumbles and is wounded in the fall. Failure, my dear, dear, friend, is a natural offshoot of growth. We churn in it, learn from it, and we become stronger as we struggle to recover from it.

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continue story below

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In a commencement address delivered at Moorpark College in 1989, James D. Griffen remembered John Kennedy O'Toole, a young writer who won a Pulitzer Prize for his book, "A Confederacy of Dunces." Imagine what it would have felt like to him to achieve this coveted award. How successful, how triumphant, how wonderful he would have felt. I say "would of" because we'll never know how he might have felt. He'll never know. We can only imagine on his behalf, because he never lived to claim his prize. After being rejected by seventeen publishers, he committed suicide. What a strange term, "to commit" suicide, when the act is above all else, a lack of commitment.

We must all hold fast in the darkness, for irregardless of the blackness which may surround us - light always eventually illuminates our path. Always...

Experience fully the pain of your failure. You must, bless you. I know you must. But when your body and soul grows weary of the sadness, the recriminations, the "what ifs" (and they will), accept the compensations, (however modest) that accompany your misfortune. Learn the lessons that follow behind them. They'll serve you well. You'll be wiser, stronger, and more prepared for the rest of your journey if you take them with you. Rest now if you need to. Grieve if you must. And when you're ready to collect them, let me know. I'll gladly help you gather them up.

So what's the moral of this story? Your story? It's not a story about loss, deficiency, and flaws. It's a story about lessons learned, overcoming, moving forward and onward, and most importantly - it is a story about hope.

Some of my most cherished tales have touched my heart and at the same time they have made me weep. And though I'm sad for you right now, I want you to know my friend, that I love your story still...

In faith,

A Fellow Traveler

next: Life Letters: On Healing A Life

How to effectively deal with hiring and employment issues when you are an adult with ADHD.

Barriers to Employment

People with ADD/ADHD have difficulties with communication, social interaction, and imagination. Consequently, both finding out about job opportunities and retaining a job can present problems for many people with ADD/ADHD. The problems arise from the lack of available information, advice, and practical support that is ASD-specific. In many instances ADD/ADHD is a hidden disability; other people not aware of the nature of the person's disability may easily misunderstand them.

Overcoming barriers to recruitment

For a person with ADD/ADHD, the Disability Employment Adviser (DEA) in a local Jobcentre Plus office is often the key person to contact about training and job opportunities. They know the law about disability and some of the difficulties that all people with a disability face in looking for a job. The Department of Work and Pensions has an Access to Work programme, which aims to meet the additional employment costs resulting from disability, for example, the costs of making reasonable adjustments in the workplace. Employees and employers may apply through the local Access to Work Business Centre or the DEA.

Employers may find that changes could easily be made to their current practice in recruitment. Job adverts often contain confusing jargon, or stipulate unnecessary qualifications or exceptional communication skills which are not needed for the job. Clearly worded adverts listing only the skills/qualifications that are absolutely essential would be better.

Most employers use an interview for selection. This relies on communication and social interaction skills, areas of difficulty for a person with ADD/ADHD. A work trial instead of a formal interview might be a fairer alternative. Where interviews take place, it is possible to adapt the format of the questions to make them easier to understand. Basing questions on past experience rather than hypothetical situations would draw out what the person already knows, rather than asking him or her to imagine how they would deal with a situation not yet met. Some people with ADD/ADHD have problems in processing information and would benefit from extra time in selection tests.

Adjustments in the workplace

From 1 October 2004, the Disability Discrimination Act (DDA) 1995 will be extended to include employers of any size (except the armed forces) and all employers will have a duty to make reasonable adjustments for people with disabilities. However, managers may not realize how readily and economically reasonable adjustments can be made which would accommodate a person with ADD/ADHD among their workforce.

People with ADD/ADHD may process information more easily if written down rather than spoken, so learning the job can be made easier by supplying written guidelines rather than verbal ones. Clear guidance on what is expected of the employee is essential. Many people with ADD/ADHD prefer a timetable indicating what to do when, and a plan of the order in which tasks should be done.

Some other examples of effective adjustments that might meet the needs of particular individuals with ADD/ADHD are:

• Structuring the job by breaking it down into parts
• Providing clear and structured training
• Being flexible with work times.
• A plan of who sits where in the office could be helpful.
• Giving regular feedback that includes positive experiences, as well as advice on how to do things differently is important.

A short meeting between the employer and an ADD/ADHD adviser who could be either the Disability Employment Adviser (DEA) or someone who has a good knowledge of the condition, and the prospective employee can be helpful as accommodations can be looked into in advance.

Accommodations such as the employer agreeing that the person with ADD/ADHD is allowed the ability to use a closed office, for some time during the day to complete any paperwork that is needed, can enable the employee to know that there will always be a set time when the paperwork can be done without distraction. The reason for this is that a closed room will have fewer distractions and phones can be turned off enabling the Person with ADD/ADHD to have a set time where they can focus and concentrate to complete any specific written work.

The ability to take short breaks - maybe every 20 -30 minutes so that they are then able to get back to tasks with more ability to focus and concentrate, if this is granted they will probably achieve more in 2 half hour slots with a 5 minute break than others can do in a full hour slot.

The ability to flexible work hours is also something to be considered - as if the person with ADD/ADHD is on medication then they will be able to give there best when this is working so a flexible start time to give time for this to start working in the morning and then the ability to continue later can sometimes be helpful.

All accommodations depend on the individual and the workplace but most things can be worked through and accommodations implemented if a bit of time is taken to discuss things in a bit more detail before problems arise.

Provision of a mentor to discuss problems or a job coach for support in the workplace can help. The Government's Access to Work scheme could make job coach help available. A mentor or manager could give guidance on the social or unwritten issues/rules in the workplace, as these could cause much confusion to someone who does not pick these up intuitively. In some people ADD/ADHD can be a hidden disability, and the difficulties in communication and social interaction they have could result in others misunderstanding them, so training in disability awareness for colleagues is a good idea.

Benefits to the employer

Employers can benefit from the skills and qualities a person with ADD/ADHD might bring to a job in their company. Especially if they are willing to invest a bit of time and effort into getting to know the person and can build up their trust.

People with ADD/ADHD need high levels of stimulation so often find working in an ever-moving environment such as sales really good and they can become top salespeople. Other employment where stimulation levels are kept high are also very good. People with ADD/ADHD are hard working especially when properly motivated. Their attention to detail can be very good, if they are working on something which is of particular interest or if the work is stimulating; they can maintain a high level of accuracy. Their approach is generally straightforward and honest. They may have technical skills of a high order and a good knowledge of facts and figures.

A sound business case can be made for employing more people with ADD/ADHD. The firm gains reliable and effective employees, progresses towards meeting its commitment to diversity, and raises awareness of diversity among its staff. Managers who have gained an understanding of the communication difficulties people with ADD/ADHD experience have commented that they have learned to communicate with their whole team more effectively. By becoming a socially responsible employer good internal and external PR is also achieved.

My recovery is mostly about letting go of fear. In fact, fear produces most all my insane moments. Any time I need a reality check, I try to stop and ask myself if there is a fear at the root of what I'm doing:

Fear of failure, fear of loneliness, fear of intimacy, fear of risk, fear of pain, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of looking/sounding stupid, fear of what someone might think, fear of punishment, fear of poverty, fear of exploitation, fear of missing the big chance.

These are the fear demons I've identified in myself so far.

If I know when I'm acting from fear, or about to act from fear, then I can usually let go of the fear and remain in the calm center. For me, recovery works when this "check-up" is my first response to a fear producing situation.

If the fear overwhelms me, or I miss the cue and act out of fear, my life gets unmanageable.

What sometimes helps me identify fear are the emotions it produces in me: Anger and Self-pity (helplessness)

If anger is the corresponding emotion, I know I need to detach my "self" from who or what is causing the fear and the anger. I return to Step One and admit powerlessness.

If distress or worry is the corresponding emotion, I know I need to let go of the fear, accept (which sometimes includes facing the fear), and quit focusing on feeling sorry for myself, or wishing someone or something would rescue/help me out of the fearful situation. I return to Step Three and reliance upon my Higher Power to show me how to take care of/help myself or regain trust that what is worrying me will be taken care of by my Higher Power.

Fear is always, for me, the opposite of trust (faith) that my Higher Power is big enough and powerful enough to see me through any situation. When I doubt that God is big enough, I try to become my own higher power, and that's when serenity and sanity fly out the window.

For me, serenity is the reality that God is always there for me, always available. It's my responsibility to remember I am not alone; I am one with God and God has a plan and a will for my life, even in the fearful moments.

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next: Responsibility in Relationships

Some Medications Can Cause Depression

There are some medications which, for a variety of reasons, appear to bring about depressive symptoms as a side-effect. Some of these are actually rather common. For example, it's known that NSAIDs (such as naproxen sodium, ibuprofen, etc.) can exacerbate depression in those already affected by it. The same is true of some steroids, such as prednisone, if they are taken for a long time.

Also, any medication that is sedating--and there are many, many of them--can make people feel tired, run-down, and as a result, bring on depressed feelings.

next: Prognosis For Depression
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