Ending a Relationship: How Do You Know When Enough Is Enough?
When deciding on ending a relationship, the first question we ask ourselves is: How do I know when enough is enough? Someone very special and beautiful asked me that question this week.
In our culture, we are faced with all kinds of messages about relationships: see the good in people, relationships take work, rise above, and don't have too many expectations. Then, don't put up with anyone's disrespect, take care of yourself, set limits, leave abuse. These messages convolute all our decisions on how to set boundaries in relationships or know when it is right for us to leave them. We don't know who to blame, us or them. Add to it worry and fear about being alone, or being abandoned, or about other people judging you, and it becomes a maze to wade through.
Unconditional Love and Ending a Relationship
Problems in significant relationships effect our anxiety and depression more than any other factor in our life because our relationships and their success define us. These are huge decisions. The heaviness of making the right one, can be immobilizing. One can either open to reconnecting, nor can they step away to relieve themselves. Above all, they lose all trust in themselves, staying in misery and passing it back and forth between them.
We think we are supposed to have unconditional love for our partners and mistake this for having an unconditional relationship. Relationships have conditions! All relationship arrangements are negotiable, and there is usually aspects that for one or both partners that are not negotiable.
It is not easy to chose to leave a relationship and I do not have a prescription answer. Sometimes, it is best and other times it is not, and these both can depend. One thing I do understand is that if you make a decision, you make that your decision. Whichever you decide, you live that decision with your best self. Look deep inside you, beyond all fear and all guilt and there you'll find the answer. Ask your higher self what is the best for everyone involved. Step back from the situation and see yourself and your partner from a distance. This intention and perspective can help you get clarity.
The Ending a Relationship Decision
There is no right decision. Decisions are like everything else, relative. It doesn't matter if it is "right" or not, you make a decision and then make it right for you.
You might decide to postpone your decision to end a relationship, but even that is a decision to be lived instead of lamented. Don't beat yourself up for "not deciding," postpone consciously. But before making a decision about whether to stay in or leave a relationship, think about this:
- Know you are exactly where you are supposed to be. You are perfect and awesome.
- There is nothing to be afraid of, you cannot chose wrong.
- Get people that love you around you.
- Find your worth and know who you are and your purpose.
Then, and only then, the preferable choice will be as clear as day.
How have you decided to stay in or leave a relationship? Let my friend know how you did it. Comment below!
LCSW-R, J. (2012, July 18). Ending a Relationship: How Do You Know When Enough Is Enough?, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2019, October 19 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/anxiety-schmanxiety/2012/07/how-do-you-know-when-enough-is-enough
Author: Jodi Lobozzo Aman, LCSW-R
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If marriage is that much of a dealbreaker for you, then, as hard as it is, you need to have an honest conversation with yourself and decide whether or not you want to stay with him. It seems to be a lot more important to you than it is to him. And if he is flirting behind your back, then you need to ask him if he's really taking the relationship seriously. If not, it would perhaps be in the best interest of both of you to move on. That may be a negative sentiment, but I have seen enough people stay in negative relationships for far longer than they should have. There is no shame in leaving if you honestly think you would be better off apart, and there is nothing to be gained for staying in a relationship that isn't working simply for the sake of keeping it going.
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If he wasn't the biological dad to my kids, I would leave in a heartbeat. In my heart of hearts, I feel that your only real responsibility here is to your son. He needs you more than any other man, and you can make that happen whether you stay in the relationship or go.
I have been in therapy for over 12 months getting professional counselling on child development and parenting strategies, just so i feel strong and supported in that very important role. Some mums get that from a partner, but if you can't then you should find it else here, from someone trustworthy. I wish you all the best xoxo
and listen instead of responding emotionally.
As far as our “relationship” goes, he puts as much effort into that as he does his work ambition. He touches me only for sexual advance and I better respond quickly or he goes into a rejection temper tantrum. He literally doesn’t want to bother with any sort of loving or cuddling to turn me on just wan bam done and back into his agenda.
Anytime I try to talk or address the issues we have, he erupts into a dillusional fit combined with verbal attacks and name calling. I stand my ground for him to simmer on what he just said and how he behaves so once he then realizes his livelihood is in jeopardy he comes to me like a hurt dog. “I’m sorry I said that, what do you want me to do” “make me a list” I don’t want to be his mother or personal manager. I just want him to do what’s right. He thinks because he’s not alcoholic or abusive I should be grateful but he seems to resemble more of a bad roommate than a husband yet somehow I remain conflicted after all these years invested. I have loved him but ultimately maybe I need to hit rock bottom before I take action. I’m just tired of no respect or appreciation and being the only adult in the relationship. Thanks for reading my rant would love any advice!
One time I remember we were in a bit of an argument and he threatened to leave me if I did not reply him. I cried so much that night. He also told me that since he is a man he can easily get someone else because men have time while women don't.
I have been having second doubts about our relationship and I bet he has too. I'm really confused and I don't know how to call it off. I don't want to hurt his feelings and I dont want him to say or do anything that would hurt mine too
I’m really confused.
And, there's nothing saying you can't love him from afar. It's just not healthy for you to stay.
I am just tired of struggling. I came to his city 15 years ago with my head on straight good credit ambition and a go get it attitude. 15 years later I'm bitter angry depressed and broke. His main phrase is that I am always ready to run, why is your answer to always quit? But I haven't quit, I'm still her but I'm so broken and unhappy I want to quit. Then I think about the kids and how lonely and empty I would be without him. Is this enough to end 15 years of struggling?
I am so happy to come across this post. I met my boyfriend when we were 16. We dated for 2 years, when his dad died. He stayed to redo his last year of of highschool while I went off to university. During that time he cheated on me and we broke up. One of the things I found unattractive about him even then was his lack of ambition. Since then, we have gotten back together. I have always been in love with him, I feel like when we are together we create perfect balance, and with him by my side I feel like I could be better than if I was by myself. He encourages me and believes in me, and I feel he truly cares about me. I truly picture myself having children and a family with him. However I am unhappy. About 9 months ago he dropped out of university. He told me he was a drug addict and had never really gotten over his dad's death, and checked himself into rehab. I was confused by this as in all the years I've known him he's only smoked weed, and he had quit drinking or doing drugs months before he went to rehab, saying they made him anxious. Over the last month while he's been in rehab, he was often calling me saying how he feels the rehab wasn't helping, that he was really anxious, so anxious he hadn't been to a single aa or na meetings while he was there, and that the rehab was doing nothing to address his other problems. I have told him numerous times I feel this isn't the right thing from him; he's running from his problems and his responsibilities. Now he's telling me his mum has told him he can't just come home and do nothing all day, so he's going to South Africa for a further 2-3 months in rehab. He still doesn't think it's the right option, but he simply refuses to look for anything else. I found him numerous different jobs, courses, and treatment programs he could do, and his response is always 'maybe I could do that' and he doesn't look into any of them. I don't know if I'm being hard on him, but it seems to me he just doesn't want to do anything with his life, and it's easier to check himself into hospital for 3 months rather than get off his a** and make decisions about getting a job or going to school. He has told me multiple times he aspires to have a 'sugar mommy' and he wants to be a stay at home dad. I used to think he was just saying that because he doesn't know what he wants to do yet, but now I am unsure. I have had my own struggles in life. I understand his depression/anxiety and his attraction to drugs, however even in the moments of my lowest lows I have always had ambition. I feel like every day I struggle and fight to get where I want to be, while he just throws it away like it's nothing. I am set to graduate college in 2 months, and then I want to pursue a masters or a PhD. I want to travel and see the world. I want an equal, not a child. There is comfort in thinking he will always be there, I haven't had the most stable family or home while growing up, and I feel at home when I am with him, and I know he would be a good father and husband. However I don't trust him to stick around if times get tough. I see him disappearing for a further 3 months of rehab and leaving me home with the kids and bills to pay. But am I getting too ahead of myself? We are both only in our early 20s. It's just that I'm spending more and more time pacing around ranting at him inside my head. I can't help but think why should I be all stressed and working all the time, and not him also? I don't want to be a 'sugar mommy', I want someone to take care of me too, sometimes. I want someone with their own ambitions and career, so if I ever mess up I know I will have security. What do you think? I told him yesterday that I'm feeling confused and need some space to think, that I feel like in life my general philosophy is to fight whilst his is to just kind of wait for things to happen and hope things work out. I told him that will never get him anywhere, that he needs to command what he wants in life before it basses him by. I don't know if having him around will drag me down or not. However I do recognise that sometimes I can forget to stop and feel my emotions, so his slow pace is sometimes good for me, but how slow/apathetic is too slow/apathetic? Even little things like 'what movie shall we watch?' he never EVER will make the decision. I'm tired of always having to take the lead. But all I know is I love him and I feel like an awful person for essentially telling him I don't know if I can deal with the apathy that comes with his mental illness. But then sometimes I wonder whether this is just his personality and he's using mental illness as an excuse. What do you think? Am I being too close minded here or am I right to consider leaving?
Where has that strong, powerful woman gone who takes no crap and who is this confused and drained person or am I still this strong woman standing by the right or wrong person and has something got me holding on for right or wrong reason I need advice please...
I'm 26 and I've only ever been in two serous relationships, my first was of 7 years my childhood sweetheart I would say but we grow up and away from each other and decided for the best to split witch it was I've never looked back, it was a good run and we had more ups than downs. It was a loyal and faithful relationship from us both but we just grow apart.
My partner I am with now is the relationship I'm finding so hard but then also so great and amazing and I'm just at a cross road because I really do love this man and could see myself with him years to come but is that just because it's want my heart wants right now or my head is telling me as I do believe he loves me dearly too.
Im going to explain this the best I can basically it boils down to, do I stay or do I walk but I'm finding it the most hardest to walk as I'm always draw back or I'm begged and promised stuff or something just tells me not to let go yet and I am 5 months pregnant but that's not what's stopping me because I would happily be a single mum as I have great support from his family and my own.
So hear I go I will first off start by saying - I have found no evidence of actual cheating or any full on messages to woman where there's been chatting back but I have found stuff to make me feel like it may have as well been all of that or he mite as well stop dragging me along and be single, he's done stuff to break my trust basically and I don't know how to get back from it now or if I should.
I've been in this new relationship with my partner for nearly two years - from the start I would say I am one of these woman who if everyone know how much I've put up with and done for him your most likely going to tell me you deserves so much better and to probably walk away like most woman would but I just can't or am I just a good person, trying to fix someone who I feel was broken from a very young age by people who where meant to be there for him and love him and he will never change, is god asking me to stay and fight it because he needs me or is it just me. in all of this bear in mind what I'm saying now he saw his dad abusing his mum, he lived with his 18 year old sister for a few years just them and no one know while his mum went off the rails and ran off for a year with a new man and my partner walked into the world of drugs and fighting and never got brought back into a life of feeling loved or having someone so strong and leading like me or am I just sugar coating him?
Its only been recently that I've managed to get through to him and see how much of the dark side he has actually been hiding I've managed to slowly guild him back to the bright side of life and see he can be loved. he is now because of me and the control and help I've given him drug free and he has also stopped smoking and is getting out of all the debts he was in at least £10,000 he was in and I've managed to help him down to £500 so he has changed a lot for me during this time. But I ask myself for all I have done for him getting him to this point he has also dragged me through so much shit on the way and is enough enough tonight something else pop up and just set me off it maybe silly and a little thing but to me he knows he has broken my trust and is meant to be helping me restore it but when the little things surprise me it's like is he being sneaky again or was it a mistake or is there more to it so from the start of what he has done to me.
I've always been a loyal and faithful woman and I've always tried to see his side of it before I do the standard girl thing and go off without hearing what he has to say first from the start he was such a charmer he still is he makes me feel alive, we really do fit each other and get each other but then he also makes me see how a woman should not be treated and I ask myself why I stay? when we first got together he basically chased me for a date for about 8 months, I finally gave into him he was the second man i opened my heart too and I fell for him very quickly and he fell for me after that day, we went official after two months of date nights and meeting families, he just fits me like a glove, I have so much fun with him and we do things that keep our relationship fun, but after a while I started to get feelings like something wasn't right.
Not for any reason other than my own gut, he didn't change, he wasn't being off or different but I hadn't found out all his background yet either so has all this stuff happened to make him a strong person and learn along the way, how not to treat a woman and how to love or has it shown me that your having the fire taken out of you. So about a year and a bit ago I just felt like someone wanted me to do some searching so one day I just check his phone. Yes, why? because I trusted him at the time I just had a gut feeling and I would always follow my gut and it was from that first time with him I followed my gut and found what I did, We hadn't become official yet but to me I was already with him because I stopped with others and he and I was basically always together so when I found on his phone messages he had send to two random girls, there was no chat between any of them just him writing to them it knocked my trust. Because we had basically been together for the last month if not two just not official to the world so it made me feel unwanted and made me fell body shamed after seeing it. he had basically written to one girl about how her boobs looked nice and then the other was about how she had a nice body and how she got it there. from that day my trust has never been 100% with him, yes ok it was around the time we wasn't offical to the world but to me and what I thought he was, we was. I confronted him and he said he done it out of pure silly ness that he didn't know what we was doing if we was going to go official or if I was going to pie him off again like I basically done for 8 months so I understood that and let it go, but deep down that feeling never felt my gut because after that I found so much more out about him, his family passed and his current drug use and how he basically broke from his ex girlfriend of 3 years because she found sexting messages to another girl I would never hold onto the fact he done what he did in the past as there may have been a good reason, I don't agree on cheating but I also would never hold it on him as we're a new start.
But from this it went on to many promises being broken I have done everything for this boy and he always seems to screw up one way or another and I forgive him, in the last two years I have found him, checking out other woman on instgram and Facebook, I'm not one to say you can't but when you see it's just woman he looks at and not even his boy mates, it makes me feel so little I have confronted him loads of times and he always makes stuff up, then it started to get worse but then once I found out his passed I wondered if it's just want he is used to, when we got together I knew he had split from his ex maybe a year before us and I know because he was honest he was court sexting another female on Facebook so I guess maybe that was another reason I got on edge but mainly I just had a gut feeling over the months to come lots of stuff happened, but I only found out because I became like a investigater because he had made me so paro but there was still a lot about his pass he kept hold of for a long while, but I found one thing after another and I wouldn't say nothing for weeks then I would let it all blow and say I'm done and he would say how stupid he has been, how what he done meant nothing and he is sorry but he would never cheat and how I am the only girl he's ever seen a future with and how he can't live without me and I'm the best thing to ever happen to him but he just is a mess.
It was things like him having a photo on his phone that was from his ex facebook, but she had only added it weeks before so it meant it had been stalking or shall we say looking at her Facebook, bearing in mind he had asked me when we first got together no ex on facebooks so I removed mine and I thought he had done the same. But clearly not when I found that photo. shes never been a problem and I don't believe she will ever be one, I see her like myself happy for her ex that he has moved on and doesn't care.
Then later on last year after he had blocked her I noticed she was back in there and had messaged saying happy birthday witch he was happy to show me but I think he realised as far as I was aware she was blocked like my ex but no chatting had gone on he just unblocked her so I ask and he told me it was because me and him had a argument and he wanted to piss me off, it was like he started to learn my weak points as much as I was learning his.
so there was no problem with his ex, but more stuff happened with him aiming at her like when I found out we was having a baby on a Monday, the Friday before we had a fight over his drug taking and how I was fed up but we made up a day later and I had gone to his work one night with him for company and found deleted messages he had emailed his ex, noting like I miss you ext just asking her if that was still her email, then the next one really done me in basically asking her to call him and he send her his number. I am a very open female and when I saw this I know if she had messaged back he probably would have laired so I messaged her asking her if she in any way had replied or called him and she then went on to tell me that she know this day would come that she would one day get a message from me asking but she had not contacted him and he was well in her passed but he seemed kind for her to contact him but because she has spend a long period of time in my situation with him. Doing the same to her, she told me girl to girl to always trust my gut but she promised there was no contact.
I have no problem with her she's never done nothing to me or been one of these crazy ex girlfriends who try's to split there ex from their new girls. she has only even given me advice that one time and I was grateful.
next it went into him having a new phone and a number on there under a mans name but it was actually a girl, I had found it one day looking at his phone he had just downloaded whatsapp and I looked and saw it He told me that it was on his back up on email and it was saved to his back up, from ages ago so when he backed up his new sim all his old numbers was going on there that way and this girls number was someone he had known ages that his ex hated so he saved her under a boys number to save the hassle as he was on and off with his ex he sword to me, this girl he has had no contact with since me and him have been together and it was on his back up and because he didn't have whatsapp at the time he never saw her photo and it being under a mans name he totally forgot it was there. I walked out that night and told him I was done, a day passed and he begged and promised me. He has never cheated on me or done anything to chat up a girl or seen this girl her.
Just like all the other times things have happened his promised but is enough enough, in this time he was very badly on cocaine a lot and since telling him his going to be a dad he hasn't done nothing like what he used to,but tonight I just happened to click on his Facebook and see he has changed his settlings I used to see how many friends he has on Facebook and it was just that one setting he has changed so I didn't see so I asked him why he had done that, what was the reason you would go on your facebook when he knows full well what my trust is like and he does that so first thing I start saying added someone your not meant to, added your ex again or one of these girls you was sexting with you ex and he said he just done it there was no reason, then he went into you know what I'm just going to get rid of Facebook all together so in my head I'm like is he telling the truth or has he now come off it because there was something to hide.
I'm so lost right now, not only am I dealing being pregnant and stressed I still have to deal with his crap or have I got to a stage where he maybe not doing wrong but because his done so much I just think it's all wrong all the time.
Need some help or advice I know it's so much but I just have a lot on my plate because I don't tell my friends or family because I don't want to be judge.
Sorry if any spelling mistakes.