Ending a Relationship: How Do You Know When Enough Is Enough?
When deciding on ending a relationship, the first question we ask ourselves is: How do I know when enough is enough? Someone very special and beautiful asked me that question this week.
In our culture, we are faced with all kinds of messages about relationships: see the good in people, relationships take work, rise above, and don't have too many expectations. Then, don't put up with anyone's disrespect, take care of yourself, set limits, leave abuse. These messages convolute all our decisions on how to set boundaries in relationships or know when it is right for us to leave them. We don't know who to blame, us or them. Add to it worry and fear about being alone, or being abandoned, or about other people judging you, and it becomes a maze to wade through.
Unconditional Love and Ending a Relationship
Problems in significant relationships effect our anxiety and depression more than any other factor in our life because our relationships and their success define us. These are huge decisions. The heaviness of making the right one, can be immobilizing. One can either open to reconnecting, nor can they step away to relieve themselves. Above all, they lose all trust in themselves, staying in misery and passing it back and forth between them.
We think we are supposed to have unconditional love for our partners and mistake this for having an unconditional relationship. Relationships have conditions! All relationship arrangements are negotiable, and there is usually aspects that for one or both partners that are not negotiable.
It is not easy to chose to leave a relationship and I do not have a prescription answer. Sometimes, it is best and other times it is not, and these both can depend. One thing I do understand is that if you make a decision, you make that your decision. Whichever you decide, you live that decision with your best self. Look deep inside you, beyond all fear and all guilt and there you'll find the answer. Ask your higher self what is the best for everyone involved. Step back from the situation and see yourself and your partner from a distance. This intention and perspective can help you get clarity.
The Ending a Relationship Decision
There is no right decision. Decisions are like everything else, relative. It doesn't matter if it is "right" or not, you make a decision and then make it right for you.
You might decide to postpone your decision to end a relationship, but even that is a decision to be lived instead of lamented. Don't beat yourself up for "not deciding," postpone consciously. But before making a decision about whether to stay in or leave a relationship, think about this:
- Know you are exactly where you are supposed to be. You are perfect and awesome.
- There is nothing to be afraid of, you cannot chose wrong.
- Get people that love you around you.
- Find your worth and know who you are and your purpose.
Then, and only then, the preferable choice will be as clear as day.
How have you decided to stay in or leave a relationship? Let my friend know how you did it. Comment below!
LCSW-R, J. (2012, July 18). Ending a Relationship: How Do You Know When Enough Is Enough?, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2019, October 19 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/anxiety-schmanxiety/2012/07/how-do-you-know-when-enough-is-enough
Author: Jodi Lobozzo Aman, LCSW-R
I do love him but I do not know what to do anymore. Any advise guys? (I haven't even typed half the story here so if you need more information about my situation to give me some solid advice I'll be more than happy to post more. I am being as honest as possible because I really do need some sound advice at this point).
But what if there are kids involved? My marriage was over before it began but I stayed and now we have two young children. My husband takes no interest in them and only ever yells at my toddler. When he's home, he stays in our room or walks around with headphones on, distracted. He doesn't help around the house and always has an excuse for why he isn't. He's very selfish, irresponsible, spends money on material things before worrying about bills and necessities. He goes out with friends all the time for hours on end and never lets me know what's going on, even though I've asked. I never go out and if I do, he has to be there. If his behavior upsets me and I bring it up he always knows how to spin it to make me feel bad. He won't seek counseling with me, which was one of the agreements we made when he came back from a few months separation. I feel guilty saying that I was happier apart from him. But I want to do what's best for my girls and felt bad that they didn't see him as much so I took him back. My husband is happy settling in this marriage, and why wouldn't he be when he does whatever he damn well pleases. That and he can't live without a relationship.
I just don't want to compromise the happiness of my children. But in the process, I'm miserable.
Thank you for reading and commenting. Children certainly do add another wrinkle to an already complicated situation. In general children are very perceptive and if the parents are miserable, they tend to be miserable. Nothing in life is easy but it is something to consider. Divorced parents that are HAPPY may be better than married parents that are UNHAPPY.
finally got the bravery to go ahead and give you a shout out from Houston Tx!
Just wanted to say keep up the excellent job!
We got into a fight few weeks back now and i wish she can see how sorry i am now.
I love her so much and i know she still loves me and i know she still cares, otherwise she wont be replying my text and knowing how i'm doing. But right now it seems like she is still confuse of her decision to breakup with me or give me a second chance. I need help not until i saw post of how a Dr has help a lot of people having issues like mine, though i have been hearing a lot about this spell caster and I hope that it he would be able to do something about bringing Lily back home cause i'm nobody without her.
I had to figure all this out by myself as well and yes it was a hell unto itself.
But I AM still here, standing stronger than I was before armed with the knowledge of and deep keen insights into people.
Liars, all of them, mostly to themselves... and we all do it to ourselves.
Know your path.
Dream your dreams and make them real.
There is somebody out there for everybody.
Be whole and always come clean - shoot straight.
They don't jive = move on.
Just be careful - diseases kill you dead.
Protect your investments - especially your heart.
Tolerate no trespass - and send a message.
The Right 'One" WILL find you eventually - when they are supposed to... don't force the issue.
Live your life and live right - we all know the difference.
Dump the excuses and lies.
Cheating is cheating.
It's the thrill.
It's obviously not right.
No winners, no losers.
Just happy shared times and life goes on.
No rights, no wrongs... just acceptance and New Days EVERY Day.
The Sun comes up, the moon goes down, life goes on... DON'T BE SCARED - OF BEING SCARED!
find the thrill in and of living again - think and plot your chances of success.
One will not succeed unless one tries.
Best of Luck to ALL of YOU out there in this great big world. It's hard, I know, please believe me, as you also know.
The best way to put it is conduct interviews for your mate so that you may better your chances of happiness. We may want somebody that just isn't right for us in the long haul. Be open, be human, be up front, be real. Don't lie. Be mature. Know when enough is enough and when it if so comes time... break apart well... but don't drag it out.
Find enjoyment in life - there is something you've always wanted to do - SO DO IT!
Do not be fearful - not trying you will fail.
And don't worry if they don't feel the same.
At least you know and didn't "waste" your time - as long as you know, and learn.
Go your own way.
I AM! " )
Last night I devised to end my relationship. We have not been together for long, but our personalities are soo strong that it is impossible to enjoy each other's company. Well, I know it was the right decision, but I am overwhelmingly sad today cause I realized that I also do not have any close friends. He was my friend for this time, and I guess if it wasn't for him I would have been utterly lonely... But now I have to face the music
Making a decision like this is, as you know, very difficult. Good for you for having the courage to consider what is right for you and to see it through. You can now start reaching out and developing new friendships. While daunting at first, you can slowly seek out people similar to you and form new connections. Good luck to you.
Jodi (the author of this post) is no longer writing the Anxiety-Schmanxiety blog so she is unable to answer comments. I'm Tanya, one of the new writers of the column. It's difficult to answer your question about whether your partner's behavior is just his depression without knowing him. It does sound like depression is definitely a factor. It is important to consider his mental health, but it is vital to consider your own mental health as well (and of course that of your children). How would you like to be treated, what relationship style would you like to model for your kids, and what would make a good life for you? The next question is how this man fits into the answers you just gave yourself. Good luck to you as you go forward.
It sounds like you are doing a lot of reflection and making changes to work toward the person you want to be and to create the types of relationships you want to have. This can be a difficult process because change can be hard, but it's very possible to grow into what you want to become. Keep at it!
I have been in a relationship for just over 5 years, with a very private person. I run into a lot of trust issues with how private he can be..although I'm also sure he's not hiding anything suss, he's just very bad at sharing himself. So I've whinged about a few things to my close friends and family over an extended amount of time, and now everyone is on the band wagon that I'd be better off without him. I'm sure they're sick of hearing it like Im sick of saying it... and I go from believing them and thinking I should leave.. to thinking how good he is in so many other ways.
It's much easier to tell your friends the bad bits, coz you need to vent... it's harder to sit there and say how nice it is to curl up on the couch with him etc...
Clearly I'm still in the confused stage...hoping for some clarity soon.
I loved where you wrote "We don’t know who to blame, us or them. Add to it worry and fear about being alone, or being abandoned, or about other people judging you, and it becomes a maze to wade through."
But now there in zero chance to try again from a new way of living. I do have tools for recovery but the pain just continues. To make matters worse, this happened at 56 years old. My life feels bleak. I keep hanging on having Faith because that is the only thing I have left. I miss him terribly and feel that I abandoned myself. I know that this huge wound is a replica of my primal abandonment. Though I know help is not on the way from without - only from within - I still feel helpless and so sad. I don't see any future for me. I did not see him for who he was when we were together because my Outer child was always complaining. It's very very difficult for me to accept the finality of his marriage. We were very very close. I sent him a letter of amends and we were able to have a beautiful reconciliation in person wherein we both expressed our love for the other. I asked him for no contact for at least 3 weeks which is recommended to get over someone. It has been about 6 weeks and the pain is even worse - I do believe the holidays are triggering it. I've seen him twice at music clubs as we both are in that world. It is terribly difficult. Though I have the necessary tools I still feel such deep pain that I don't see an end in sight. Thank you for reading.
I stumbled across this blog when i was looking for some inspiration to go on in life. It's an amazing effort.
Relationships these days are so fake. I am a 22 year old and i'm already tired of all the drama. I was in a relationship with a guy for a year, who i loved dearly and thought was my soulmate. Initially he did too, until one day he just STOPPED loving me. And then everything was a downhill spiral, he kept up with lies, cheating, physical abuse and putting me down infront of my family and friends. We finally broke off a year ago. However i still cant seem to take my mind off him, it seems he is still my soulmate and i am afraid of living a life in which he does not exist even though he only hurts me.
But it feels so empty and really like the end of the world.
I have previously been mostly attracted to guys who are more outgoing than me since I'm shy, but he is not. He is very introverted and just has a couple friends. He treats me well, is kind, loving, smart, hardworking, and fun. He dresses sloppily which has started to bug me more recently. A lot of the anxiety had gotten worse due to living 1.5 hrs apart due to his phd program but this would just be for 8 more months... He wants to get married and I am honestly unsure at this point. Sometimes I can see us getting married and other times I think I should break up with him due to my uncertainty. In general, I am not a confident person and I have anxiety. Any advice? Is it saying something about the relationship if I'm not sure about marriage after 3 years? Or does it sometimes take a while to feel sure especially with nothing to compare it to? He knows about these doubts and is very patient with me. I just feel filthy about not knowing if I want to spend my life with him after a few years together.
I consider myself to be strong and independent. My relationships aren't usually like this, normally the men I see are more bohemian-type, you know, "living the moment", have deep conversation, and so on. I've learned to let them come and go. But my current relationship really catches me off guard, as it seems like the "right" guy but is completely unfulfilling. I mean, it's like we're roomates. For a long time now, my gut has been telling me to end this, but my impulsiveness has betrayed me before... At this point, we are emotionally and financially codependent, and although I've asked him to leave several times in the heat of arguments, he never leaves. My family and friends are all over him so asking them for help is out of the question - he is extremely manipulative.
I don't know how to go about ending this as he's locked on like a leech and it's *my* apartment. About 8 months back I was laid off and haven't been able to get a decent job since, so I've recently ventured into starting my own business. I'm stuck at that point: he supoorts me financially(borderline) and emotionally, but I just can't stand the guy anymore. It's hard when he's so manipulative, passive-aggressive, possibly homosexual, and friend and family-less to boot. *sigh* What to do? I'm not evil, I don't hate him, actually I wish him the best but I just can't seem to get past this ugly situation.