Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do
What does verbal abuse sound like? The tone and content varies from abuser to abuser, but the words effect the victim in similar ways. Victims hear horrible things from their abuser and they feel small, withdrawn, angry, helpless, sad, shame, and a hundred other horrible emotions - sometimes all at once.
In the beginning of my abusive relationship, I felt anger and stood up for myself which led to loud, circular verbal altercations that had no solutions. Later, after coming to believe that he was my hero, my savior and provider, I felt stupid and wanted to fix myself so he would love me. Much later, I turned away and left the house for awhile which eventually led to increased physical violence and leaving forever.
Sometimes my abuser's words hurt when he jabs and attempts to provoke on the phone. Mostly, the memory, the countless memories of the abusive things he's said to me rear up and try to convince me that his remembered voice is my own.
This list is only a partial list of the things verbal abusers say. It's not limited to my own abusive relationship. It takes into account what others report hearing, too.
Things Verbal Abusers Say:
- "Why don't you get a job so you understand the real world? Oh, wait - I forgot - you can't get a job because you're a stupid sh!t.
- "Quit your whining and crying. You have no reason to cry or complain! Your life is perfect because I made it that way!"
- "Bitch" (and the countless other names I won't bother to list)
- "I should have left you at the club with all the other whores."
- "If you were more like my mother I could worship you."
- "I hate it when you act so pitiful. Stop the waterworks and talk like a human being."
- "I can't stand to look at you. You make me sick."
- "You're such a great actress! You know how to get what you want, don't you?"
- "I can't believe I have to come home to you every day. How did I get involved with such a train wreck?"
- "I must be the first a$$hole to love you. You don't know how to please a man!"
- "You're fat and miserable and you make me hate you."
- "You always look like God stomped on your face."
- "Why do you care what I want for dinner? My favorites taste like crap when you make them anyway."
- "You used to be as beautiful as my ex, but geesh - time hasn't been good to you, baby!"
- "Those children are mine, will always be mine, and if you leave you'll never see them again."
Things Verbal Abusers Do:
- Deny they said anything similar to the list above.
- Defend what they've said.
- Analyze what they've said out loud, explaining that the words they used do not have the definitions you seem to think they do.
- Block you in a room so you can't leave and thereby avoid what they're saying.
- Talk horribly to the television but are really speaking to you.
- Flip open their knife to open a piece of gum while looking at you under knitted brows.
- Leave to do something else at the last minute when you had plans together.
- Take you out for your best birthday ever and then wind up berating you on the way home for not appreciating their efforts enough.
- Tell your children you need more happy pills to be a good mom.
- Change the topic of the conversation so you bounce from one place to another, never getting to the core of the issue.
- Accuse you of being a whore or a dummy or a _________ so often that they no longer need to say the words but can offer up a "look" and you know what they're saying (then they may deny it).
Okay. I have to stop. My stomach is literally upset right now after digesting the utter contempt and hatred some people spew on a daily basis.
If you're still living in this nonsense, learn about detachment and how it can benefit you. Maybe in time you'll choose to leave your abuser, and maybe you'll choose to stay. No one here will judge you for staying (I've been there and it can feel hopeless!), but please work on ways to make yourself feel better in the process.
*Both women and men could be abusers or victims, so do not take my pronoun choices as an implication that one gender abuses and the other is victimized.
Holly, K. (2012, April 29). Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2019, October 19 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2012/04/things-verbal-abusers-say-and-do
Author: Kellie Jo Holly
If he loved you, he would have stopped calling you stupid a long time ago.
Break it down for your friends and family. Tell Joe if it makes you feel good. I am almost positive they know bad things are happening to you but haven't figured out how to bring it up to your "brave face". You need their support to bolster your courage as you get rid of this dangerous man once and forever.
After you get him out, DO NOT communicate with him at all. Not on the phone, via text, social media or slipping notes to him via mutual friends.
Visit http://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/safety-planning/ to download a free safety plan (scroll to bottom of page to find it).
It is time to go. You are considering going to sleep and waking up in a better place. You may be suicidal.
Call both the National Domestic Violence Hotline and the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. Today.
So, last time I caught him provocatively looking at young girls in public I lost it and cold cocked him (it was quite a tussel after my child was asleep); then I played the 'imagination, drama, etc...card' on him. What I did was horrid & wrong. In retrospect my temper blew from the years of being second to porn & from the insecurities he exploited. He knew my vulnerability & took advantage of my trust, generosity, and family. Yes, he WAS able to feed into the insecurities with sly verbal comments (you have large pores on your face, you will need a boob job when your 45, complaints about my lack of gourmet taste, and lack of knowledge regarding most things).
Oh yeah & I did not mention the fact he pays one bill ($65 Internet bill), I pay the rest. He does contribute but makes sure the job is only 85% done (example; will mop, but 'forgets' a room so I have to go back & do it) & then tells me I am crazy b/c I am fussy. WTF, I am detached, but so sick of his contridictions, I just let it all hang out. So it not good when I respond with how a real man would be nice instead of a Peter Pan.
Look forward to addvice, comments, &/or questions.
Thank you for your time.
All these entries are heartbreaking.Especially from those that are allowing to another person to take such power and control from you- that you are starting to listen to those vicious and demeaning lies.
Think of your kids who are depending on you to be the strong one - think of your aging parents who worry themselves endlessly about the bad situation you may be in.
You may not ever be able to change the person who is tormenting you- but YOU have the power to change yourself and take back your control of your life.
Sometimes we just have to start those changes in baby steps.
from personal experience I can tell you this guys will continue in his behavior-
and the abuse will only escalate.
Please realize you cannot fix this guy- love yourself and above all think of your unborn child- does your baby deserve to live in such an abusive and toxic enviroment?
Please - do not walk but run from this guy- he honestly sounds like he is ready willing and capable of violent acts against you and your unborn baby.
I will pray for the both of you- good luck and may you have a blessed day.
mum was getting iller with altseimers so I couldn't get a job I wasn't listed as priority housing as had no kids. I had no family either to turn too no friends as he got rid of them ages ago. I thought he would change Iam now stuck with 2 cats and two more dogs and more abuse they do not change!!!!! I am 46 and emotionally dead. He has a excellent job and I am just his servant! What a life!!!!
We would argue about his treatment of me often, he would blame it on alcohol (when he was in DUI related classes it was better because he was not drinking). The night of the last class we were suppose to go out, he decided to go to the bar instead and of course I was a kill joy. I told him I was done with him then, to not contact me. Hours later it is "Are you still mad at me?" The relationship was never about me or my needs. It was always about him.
So now, I am confused and depressed. Going through the loss of my own emotions and the realization of what I PUT up with. People ask me how I am and I just cry. This is not my typical behavior.
Anyway, I just want to say thank you. Talking about it really does help. I have been keeping everything bottled up, because I was covering for him. I needed to remember "Not my circus, Not my monkeys."
My point, man also get the same abused, I wished she would had hit me, because those scar go away my emotional scars are affecting still even after four years, I have lost myself confidence, self steema and worthiness.
But since March this year things have changed. He is drinking ALOT!!! When he gets to drinking he talks so mean, and treats me so rudely. Then he will get on this kick of I am cheating on him. Which I am not. I work full time, I go to school at night, I have 2 sons that my oldest plays travel baseball so I am constantly busy.
I have recently started to lose myself. When he starts saying F U when he is drunk, once he has got into my face and spit in my face. I mean literally spit not accidentally while he was yelling. Well I have started fighting back, and I know that is not the right thing to do. But Its like I have to defend myself. I have to constantly prove myself and I can't just leave. We just moved in together, he bought me a car.
I do love him so much, but I just don't understand why someone feels like they need to talk down and constantly have an attitude with someone they supposedly love. He tells me that he knows I'm cheating on him and for me to go be with him, but I would not ever cheat. I am not that type of person.
I just feel lost.
There is evidence that both genders emotionally abuse one another in equal proportions. 50/50. I wish you could talk about your abuse without blaming "all women" for some women's behavior. I understand you are angry. It is not right to lash out like this at people you do not know.
I hope you feel more peaceful soon.
Victims of domestic violence whose abuse cooked them are 7 times more likely to die at the hands of their abuser than those who have not been choked.
Not so with <em>most </em>perpetrators of abuse and violence. If it were true of the repeat offenders, then we wouldn't have repeat offenders.
Also, communication with abusers only goes so far. They will pretend to work with their victim long enough to get the victim calmed down and willing to give them another chance. After believing you love someone for a while, it is not so easy to walk away because the victim's emotions work against them.
Keep your high opinion of yourself! In a world of people-gone-condemnation-crazy, you may be the only one who has it.
he cannot accept my past relationships and calls me a bitch time to time.
I never went to clubs and dance with strange men. but he said i did.
I never had random sex. He believes I did.
He even accuse me for having sex with him which he thinks a good girl shouldn't have done.
He has bunch of imaginary complaints, things that never happened.
If i have friends, he thinks im doing orgy.
I am a simple girl. I study a lot and work. His strange behaviour is causing me lose concentration at work and i feel low and depressed. I feel terribly insulted.
I was recently in an abusive relationship with someone who had just left an abusive relationship. I knew this at the time, but I didn’t know the person I was getting involved with was abusive as well until the real them started to show through months later. I am aware that her family life had been abusive as a child and that she was used to the abuse. Probably so used to it that she felt uncomfortable without it. This was a burden upon our relationship as I was hoping I could be the one to show her a new light in positivity from the way that I keep myself positive and happy with myself. Eventually, I had to move on because I could see that she wasn’t willing to let go of the past abuse but kind of “ticked”, if you will, on giving others the abuse she had been given. It really hurt me for quite awhile that I had to leave her as well as the abuse that she had shown towards me. I didn’t fight back at her or seek revenge but stayed positive because I knew that was the only way further I could show her love. I am hoping that she can seek a way out of this suppressed anger on her own and find a way to make her self happy on her own. I had been in a position like hers a long time ago when I was younger and couldn’t recognize my pain, problems, and how to deal with situations or people and make the best out of them. I have found that you really can’t be happy with others if you aren’t happy with yourself. You have to learn to love yourself before you can truly love someone else. This makes it very hard to love someone who doesn’t love themselves. Sometimes it is seemingly impossible.
I ended up writing this song to relieve the pain I had gone through. I know there is someone else out there that will accept my love purely. Sometimes you have to walk away even though you love that person with the fullness of your heart and soul. But, you also have to care for yourself. Don’t mistake unconditional love as pain. You shouldn’t have to live in agony to be loved.
Writing this song helped me get through the pain I had experienced and helped me grow positive from the situation. Maybe it will help you come to terms with your own experiences, provide enlightenment, and give you good feelings!
Prove your love and others will eventually love you more purely.. don’t give in to someone saying they love you and not showing it. There is someone out there that will.
As far as myself, he knows I have no family, no one to help me leave him. He feels he's "got" me! I'm completely trapped..I have no job,& not because I didn't want one but because he never allowed me to work. I worked for him. So I have no family, no money, no job...I have no friends, he always hated any friends I had to the point they didn't want to be a part of my life because they felt he was toxic! Whenever I say anything to him, he spins it around into an argument. Today I was in the kitchen making coffee, we're moving in 5 days, I randomly said I'm excited to put our things away & make the new house our home". He spun it & said,"why, u never do anything, u never clean, u just sit around watching ur Fu*k shows".That's what he calls Real housewives of orange county or any other show I like, no matter what it is, he calls it that. Sick! He does that every time I ever say anything & we always end up arguing & me crying sitting on the floor up against the locked bathroom door. I have attempted suicide many times many different ways throughout the 15 years, & I have a few scars to remind me of the extreme pain & loneliness I felt, & do still feel. So basically I'm alone, no children, he never wanted any,all day & night. When he is home, he sleeps on the couch, never with me, not in 7,8 years. If I go shopping, he's calling me bitching about how long I'm taking, even though he's not even at home. He loves to go to strip clubs to this day. He gets hotel rooms & takes these girls there to fu*k them. He's disgusting! We haven't slept together in years! I want out so bad, but I don't want to become homeless & on drugs like my mom did. It's a cycle & I'm caught dead center! I just don't know what to do.
Lost & Lonely
is this typical verbal abuser behavior? hiding the abuse within a "compliment" to justify what they are saying?
he calls me every name he can calls me fat and lazy ugly any names in the book, he trys to get to me, he wants to hurt me to see me cry and i act like nothing infront of him ignoring him, but he gets mad he insults me untill i start talking shitt to him too,but i dont like saying stuff like cusing or bad stuff i say it cause he does get to me, and thats when he brings my daughter also in thz, saying shes a bitch and saying she is stupid and other names my daughter is 9 she has nothing to do with thz and he brings her up to hurt me more, i tryed to leave him so many times and he comes back saying sorry, that he wont do that again that he was mad and that he didnt mean it, then i feel bad for him then and i forgive him.. i need help dinut know what to do, i wana leave him but its imposible i dont know where to go what to do and how cause he says if i leave him he will find me and take my kids away.. cause i have 2 by him a 1 year old girl and a 1 month old baby and i do everything for them he doesnt help at all..