Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do
What does verbal abuse sound like? The tone and content vary from abuser to abuser, but the words affect the victim in similar ways. Victims hear horrible things from their abuser and they feel small, withdrawn, angry, helpless, sad, ashamed, and a hundred other horrible emotions - sometimes all at once.
At the beginning of my abusive relationship, I felt anger and stood up for myself leading to loud, circular verbal altercations that had no solutions. Later, after coming to believe that he was my hero, my savior, and my provider, I felt stupid and wanted to fix myself so he would love me. Much later, I turned away and left the house for a while which eventually led to increased physical violence and leaving forever.
Sometimes my abuser's words hurt when he jabs and attempts to provoke me on the phone. Mainly, the memory, the countless memories of the abusive things he's said to me rear up and try to convince me that his remembered voice is my own.
This list is only a partial list of the things verbal abusers say. It's not limited to my own abusive relationship. It takes into account what others report hearing, too.
Things Verbal Abusers Say:
- "Why don't you get a job so you understand the real world? Oh, wait - I forgot - you can't get a job because you're a stupid sh!t.
- "Quit your whining and crying. You have no reason to cry or complain! Your life is perfect because I made it that way!"
- "Bitch" (and the countless other names I won't bother to list)
- "I should have left you at the club with all the other whores."
- "If you were more like my mother I could worship you."
- "I hate it when you act so pitiful. Stop the waterworks and talk like a human being."
- "I can't stand to look at you. You make me sick."
- "You're such a great actress! You know how to get what you want, don't you?"
- "I can't believe I have to come home to you every day. How did I get involved with such a train wreck?"
- "I must be the first a$$hole to love you. You don't know how to please a man!"
- "You're fat and miserable and you make me hate you."
- "You always look like God stomped on your face."
- "Why do you care what I want for dinner? My favorites taste like crap when you make them anyway."
- "You used to be as beautiful as my ex, but geesh - time hasn't been good to you, baby!"
- "Those children are mine, will always be mine, and if you leave you'll never see them again."
Things Verbal Abusers Do:
- Deny they said anything similar to the list above.
- Defend what they've said.
- Analyze what they've said out loud, explaining that the words they used do not have the definitions you seem to think they do.
- Block you in a room so you can't leave and thereby avoid what they're saying.
- Talk horribly to the television but are really speaking to you.
- Flip open their knife to open a piece of gum while looking at you under knitted brows.
- Leave to do something else at the last minute when you had plans together.
- Take you out for your best birthday ever and then wind up berating you on the way home for not appreciating their efforts enough.
- Tell your children you need more happy pills to be a good mom.
- Change the topic of the conversation so you bounce from one place to another, never getting to the core of the issue.
- Accuse you of being a whore or a dummy or a _________ so often that they no longer need to say the words but can offer up a "look" and you know what they're saying (then they may deny it).
Okay. I have to stop. My stomach is literally upset right now after digesting the utter contempt and hatred some people spew on a daily basis.
If you're still living in this nonsense, learn about detachment and how it can benefit you. Maybe in time you'll choose to leave your abuser, and maybe you'll choose to stay. No one here will judge you for staying (I've been there and it can feel hopeless!), but please work on ways to make yourself feel better in the process.
*Both women and men could be abusers or victims, so do not take my pronoun choices as an implication that one gender abuses and the other is victimized.
Jo, K. (2012, April 29). Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2023, October 1 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2012/04/things-verbal-abusers-say-and-do
Author: Kellie Jo Holly
It's never too late to change your mind.
I was in a verbal and physical abusive relationship most of the time I stand up and try to leave but he somehow draws me back he takes my money before bill are due he take my car calls me names i have had blackeyes swollen lips and have been k.o before he makes me call myself names and I am afraid of him I was so in love with him that I sleped on the floor but it make u feel like you have no morals self respect or anything I moved in with him and it was hell waiting on the next paycheck then I'm leaving and throwing away my phone cause he always calls and threatens me lady's got to have more respect for yourself don't go through what I'm going through just cause he feeds you bath and talk about stuff that's not real don't mean u fall in love it makes u stronger when you run away from it and learn from bit these type of ppl can and will kill u get away while u can this isn't healthy
I have been in a relationship for almost two years. My boyfriend is a hard worker and very fun to be with also very loving most of the time. Are relationship has been stormy from the beginning. When we fight he says that I am a controlling bitch and I beat him down, there are times he calls me cunt. He says very hurtful things when we fight and he becomes very angry. I am starting to feel like maybe there is something wrong with me, I know that his behavior is not normal I get right back in his face when he talks to me like that. He's says I like to fight which is so not true. But I will not be talked to that way by anyone. Am I wrong? Should I seek help for myself?
I'm not a therapist or doctor, but in my opinion, what you're doing sounds like me in the beginning of my abusive relationship. I thought I was sticking up for myself, not letting him speak to me that way. He also asked me things along the line of "Do you just want to fight?" as if I did want to fight. What he was really saying was "As long as you stand up for yourself in this way, I have an excuse to abuse you!"
Robin, I would seek help for yourself. It isn't because you're overreacting or being a bitch, but because you are in an abusive relationship. A counselor could help you see the truth of what is going on, which will make you more intolerant of his behavior. My hope is that you leave now before wasting two decades with an abuser like I did.
Ok, so what are you going to do in this situation? You know pretty well that he is abusing you and reading your post I think that you should leave him straight away. More than that, you can even demand compensation for your injury, having medical records of that. I have just finished writing an e-book about abuse and there are some tips about smart leaving the abuser there. Don't wait until he starts hitting you again. Enough is enough. Take action and leave him, for your good sake. Good luck
Hi I stumbled onto this site trying to find some help for myself. I have been married to a nightmare for 8 1/2 years. Acording to him I shouldn't aggrivate him. I will just say that on our 1 st month anniversary he gave a collapsed lung lacerated spleen broken rib broken orbital socket three broken bones on my spinal cord.(you know you may be in trouble when a hospital med a VAC's you to another hospital) leval 2 trauma. All he kept saying was that I'm so fragile and barely touched me. REALLY!!? IT DIDNTf eel THAT WAY. I spent 11days in ICU and another 6 months of trying to overcome the physical pain. All I have suffered since then is another broken rib,quite a few black eyes ,bruises here and there. Damn how stupid am I . he is now verbally abusing me and threating me. I wont even be talking and he will say if I don't stop aggravating him he is going to kill me. Also he hit me . its been a couple years since he hit me but now that he has started physically abusing Again I think I need to find a way out. I am an idiot. I am mentally exhausted. I find myself so depressed that I can barely function. Would Seine please direct me in a path that will help me. Thanks trish
Do you love him or the idea of him?
Before you quickly say "I love him!" keep in mind you came to a website about verbal abuse and typed a long story about how he's still essentially a controlling jerk from across the world. Believe me I understand, it's easier to stay in a relationship and "try to make it work" because there are still feelings there. You didn't get together if there weren't. The problem is the person you love should make you feel good about yourself, not call you names. And while everyone has their bad days, they should not be EVERY DAY. And to end a hateful text with "love you" is as classic a verbally abusive text as there ever was, giving you just enough bait to keep you hopeful.
You said you hoped someone read your story. I read it. I empathized with it. I hope you find the strength in yourself to see your worth and give yourself to someone who deserves it. It's clearly not him. From how you've written about him he comes across as a hothead who joined the armed forces because he loves to play soldier and talk big. When you leave him, (you will, right?) you will see just how ridiculously off the wall he'll get. He'll call you names. He'll say you're worthless. He'll scream and cry like the little toddler playing soldier that he is. He may eventually even say he'll change. Do not buy into this. He's made zero effort to change. There's a part of him you like. Fine. Go find someone who's got a whole person to like. Or don't. Better yet, just be with yourself. Work on yourself. Consider today a clean slate. He does not exist. You are Michelle the Awesome. Michelle the Strong. Michelle the Independent.
You do not want to raise children with a person who disrespects the one he loves like this. He should be missing you not dissing you. Boy's gotta grow up, but not with you. Easier said than done I know but now's the time. No one will fault you for staying, and frankly it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Take a look at yourself and ask "am I the person I want to be? And will I be that person with him?"
Good luck Michelle. Please know at least one person is pulling for you.
i was with my abuser for 12 years, we had three beautiful children, that was the only thing beautiful about that relationship, it took me all of 12 years to leave him, after many broken noses, fractured skull, black eyes, head, ect.. and the most worst verbal abuse possible, i finally left, i fled to africa with a friend who lives here, but my ex took my kids from me, and refused me to speak to them until i come back home to him, i thought he was going to kill me last time, that is why i fled, i had no help, and no other options, he is a very good manipulator, and he told me that the judge granted him custody of my boys and that the judge put a no contact order out on me from my kids, those kids are my life, i need them more than i need air, i dream of them every night, and i pray to god their little hearts are not broken, when you have no money, and no one that even cares to help at all, you just feel like giving up sometimes, i don't know what will be worse, going back to him, just so i can be with my kids, or dying here in africa. I do however feel 1000000 percent better since i left my ex, i feel free, and not in constant fear all the time, life was complete hell in that relationship, i had taken an epo out on him, and got child support and everything, but ,,, he still kept coming around me, and would come in my house at night and take pictures of me, ahh it's a long story, and just a huge mess, i wish to god i just had my kids with me here, and my life would finally be perfect. please anyone who reads this, just pray for me, keep me and my boys in your prayers that one day me and my boys will be together. good luck to all out there suffering as I do.
My boyfriend has said things close to the ones in the list. He also calls me a miserable bitch ,nobody likes me cuz im a bitch,that i need to tell my dr to up the dose of my meds cuz they arent helping,saying it all in front of our daughter . Hes said alot worse things in front of her as well as spit on me while we were arguing . Somehow he manages to turn it around n make it feel like im the bad one n i deserve what he says n does. He also threatens to take my daughter every time we are talking about breaking up . He always says "why do i even try" when we are fighting. But he never has tried to comfort me,apologize , reassure me,none of it. And still,i wind up feeling like everything is my fault. I know we should just end it,but it hurts my heart just thinking about it. Reading these have helped me not feel so alone. Thank you for that
I stumbled upon this website because I am finally fed up with my situation. I have been with the same guy for three years and been going through hell almost every step of the way. Long story short I was adopted and I've always had abandonment issues . I notice I I stumbled upon this website because I am finally fed up with my situation. I have been with the same guy for three years and been going through hell almost every step of the way. Long story short I was adopted and I've always had a couple months ago I seem to get in these relationships and make them completely about the guy and now I am 25 have not finished college or anything good because I have made nothing but my life about relationships since I was 18 .I have been in three major relationships the first two were not abusive but we just didn't work however this relationship I am in now is the most abusive relationship I have ever been in. For the first time yesterday I called the suicide hotline. My car got stolen and the first thing my boyfriend is after I told him was hang up tell me I was annoying . I have been in three major relationships the first two were not abusive but we just didn't work however this relationship I am in now is the most abusive relationship I have ever been in. For the first time yesterday I called the suicide hotline. My car got stolen and the first thing my boyfriend is after I told him was hang He had went out of town with his friends for a wedding and asked me to pick him up so I did since I still had his car .
They got in the car and did not say a word so I asked him why he couldn't say hi which is something I frequently say to people he blew up on me he had a pocket knife in his hand at the Graham had given him and all the groomsmen from the wedding he pulled out the pocketknife and had opened up right and was yelling at me telling me I was worthless, I was lazy, I was a bitch all while I was driving his car home they got in the car and did not say a word so I asked him why he couldn't say hi which is something I frequently say to people he blew up on me he had a pocket knife in his hand at the Graham had given him and all the groomsmen from the wedding he pulled out the pocketknife and had opened up right and was yelling at me telling me I was worthless, I was lazy, I was a bitch . I was so hurt by this because I had just lost my car and then basically lost my boyfriend. I have completely made my life about him and his child that he had before I was in the picture and the fact that I couldn't even get him to be there for me for the second time was too much. The last time I got a car repossessed for financial reasons . He refused to help me and left me in I was so hurt by this because I had just lost my car and then basically lost my boyfriend. I have completely made my life about him and his child that he had before I was in the picture and the fact that I couldn't even get him to be there for me for the second time was too much. The last time I got a the house with no food, or anything and would come home from work get dressed and go hang out with his friends . I had no ride anywhere and no food to eat or money and had to call other people to help me because he refused to even look my direction that was only a couple months ago now this time my car gets stolen and he has decided to avoid me at all cost and anything I say he tells me I am stupid and gets upset and leave the house . And he is happy he tells me he will support and take care of us because he makes well then enough and when he's mad he will literally starve me to death and leave me to dry .things are good they're great and when they're bad I feel like dying like I should just jump off a bridge because I have done nothing with my life but have relationships. But after this weekend and reading these post I have decided that I need to just deal with my broken heart and move forward and out of this relationship. The suicide hotline yesterday gave me some numbers to call for shelter and help . I am calling them now . I know I'm not alone and that the way he acts is not right . Things are good they're great and when they're bad I feel like dying like I should just jump off a bridge because I have done nothing with my life but have relationships. But after this weekend and reading these post I have decided that I need to just deal with my broken heart and move forward and out of this relationship. The suicide hotline yesterday gave me some numbers to He also likes to try to tell me to move out of the house whenever he gets mad which finding out recently that I have to pression is a lot for me and it does make me feel very anxious and nervous and have anxiety attacks and he knows this yet he still does not seem to care and tells me that my feelings are just that feelings and it's not a big deal. I do not know how I got into this verbally abusive relationship . But I am going to miss the good times but I guess t he also likes to try to tell me to move out of the house whenever he gets mad which finding out recently that I have to pression is a lot for me and it does make me feel very anxious and nervous and have anxiety attacks and he knows this yet he still does not seem to care and tells me that my feelings are just that feelings and it's not a big deal hey are gone already . I cry every day and am sad all the time and to top it off I have no children and I figured that the fact that I was willing to except that he has a child and to help out with this kid that that would make him love me I am seeing now but that's not making him do anything but hate me and not appreciate me because when he is mad the first thing he says is I don't do anything for his son . I am so sad and just need to figure it out .
I'm so sad all of the above
Karen, visit http://www.thehotline.org/ and call or chat with the volunteers. They can give you information about where to get local help. Plus, they'll listen to you vent. Or cry. <3
My husband and I met in school but never dated until we ran into each other one night. We were about 18yrs old neither had a positive upbringing my dad left when I was 9 and my mother basically had a breakdown I think. We were poor and the guy she chose to be my stepdad was an druggy alcoholic and very physically and verbally abusive . Anyway my husbands father was physically abusive as well so I guess niether of us had a chance. We have always been friends and joke and get along 75% of the time but he cheated when we were very young and lied constantly also used drugs and I suspected it but never knew for sure until years later. When we argue he immediatly starts with what a stupid ***** I am or that I 'm a whore and I should be glad he is with me because everyone else would just screw me and be done. He has been physical a few tines just grabbed me or pushed me one time he punched me in the legs like 20 times when he was angry but when I threatened to tell he laughed and said and say what I frogged you, big deal! But my legs were black and blue and hurt I never said anything. I did finally leave him and he still persued me and I gave in promised he would change for me and his daughters and honestly he came a long way he has kept a job drug free he even seemed to work on his temper it's been 2yrs. Recently though he doesn't pay me much attention and we just don't have a lot in common other than address phone # and being parents he picks fights for no reason and makes up things that I say and do and the scary part is I think he believes it. Anyway I know it isn't healthy to be in a toxic relationship and the best advice is to leave but as weird as it sounds we do love each other and it's not easy.
Have you ever heard of confabulation?
From wikipedia (which happens to be correct in this case):
In psychology, confabulation is a memory disturbance, defined as the production of fabricated, distorted or misinterpreted memories about oneself or the world, without the conscious intention to deceive. Confabulation is distinguished from lying as there is no intent to deceive and the person is unaware the information is false. Although individuals can present blatantly false information, confabulation can also seem to be coherent, internally consistent, and relatively normal. Individuals who confabulate present incorrect memories ranging from "subtle alterations to bizarre fabrications", and are generally very confident about their recollections, despite contradictory evidence. Most known cases of confabulation are symptomatic of brain damage or dementias, such as aneurysm, Alzheimer's disease, or Wernicke–Korsakoff syndrome (a common manifestation of thiamine deficiency caused by alcoholism).
I always thought my ex-husband could pass a lie detector test when questioned about his "stories." Sounds like yours has a similar trait. I'm not saying either one of them has confabulated, but it sure feels like it.
Not paying you much attention is a form of abuse called withdrawal. It sometimes is the "calm before the storm." Sometimes it is better to love someone from a distance.
I am an artist and I am stuck in a relationship for almost two years. I was homeless and the guy lived next door to me. I was in a group home and the man rescued me. But he started turning on me once while a friend of his visited. He got mad at me about the pizza and I said whatever. And he smashed a plate at his friend and I. It hurt the side of his friend and barely missed me as it shattered. And he brings up the past from any fling I had with his friend as he told me that kind of kinky stuff he liked. I am 30 and thinking where did I go wrong? And he always brings up the past and whenever I ask him to speak up louder, he tells me I'm deaf or I'm stupid. And whenever I defend myself and say whatever or so what, he calls me crazy or restrains intimacy of even holding hands or sleeping with me for months. He bruised and sprained both hands and wrists of mine and grabbed my throat once. But he got off and the cops, social workers, friends and neighbors think he's normal and I need to be locked up! This is a small town. And nobody wants to hire me because they all think I provoke him. Well it's time to leave him, my facebook friends and any pen pals of the old and walk away. I don't even have a car or driver's liscense. Lonely, estranged and afraid, Rayelle
I've been through this for the last two years and finally decided to walk away I've been told things like 'the thought of you makes me sick', I resent you because you kept my children...you nothing and the list goes on I mean when a person truly cares they will show you not take all there anger an hurt on you I've descided to walk away and leave him to it an it very hard but we all got do what's best for us because deep down we all know our worth the road won't be easy but at least I will be free in the end I hope you guys find the strength to move on I took so long to and wish I had done alot sooner prayers are with you all God bless
Great. My mom does some if these.
My boyfriend of 2 years has been verbal abusive to me for awhile now. He always calls me names then apologizes saying he was angry. He claims he doesn't mean it. He always try to control me by saying I'm a whore, I fucked his friend and very hurtful untrue things about me. I pray things get better so I stay but deep down I know I should leave
Ive been with my husband for 14 years but have only been married for 6 of them. I remember it like it was yesterday, the first time he physically abuse me. I am not by no means innocent I have cussed him, and on a few different occasions I have slapped him across his face. I know there is no excuse and just because he tells me he allowed another female to suck his you know what still does not give me the right to slap him, but i did. That was actually the day that he first put his hands on me. I remember him flying up off the bed and tackeling me to the ground punching me on the head (always on the head never in the face), I started screaming but quickly realized that was not going to make him stop so I calmed myself and spoke to him asking him to stop, he did. I got up and told him I wasnt going to live like that and walked away, I got almost to the end of the hallway when I heard him start crying. I sit 14 years later and I wonder why wasn't I strong enough to keep going why did I turn around, especially since that was only the first time, this man has punched me on my head so badly it was lopsided for over a week, he beat me while i was pregnant with our first daughter and punched me in the head while I was pregnant with our second daughter. He accussed me of sleeping with a friend of his whom is ugly as all heck and missing some teeth and i would never touch anyways ever but yet i still got slapped in the mouth. Yes I said mouth he did not punch me in the mouth he slapped me he never punched me in the face. I went as far as lying to a cop and having my 6 week old daughter taken away because he head butted me and ripped her out of my arms and then he tried to leave with her. That was the first time I actually punched him and boy was I scared when he said "oh you want to hit", cus the look in his eyes was scarey and as he picked me up and slammed me to the ground all I could think was why doesnt he love me. So my daughter was removed from my care because I lied and said fell and hit the side of my head on the car door, and I have regretted that since. He did end up going to jail the DA issued a warrant for his arrest and after 3 months I was given back my little girl. While he was on probation he was able to keep his hands to himself but thats when he began calling me names more often then not. You name it hes called me it, the name calling and belittling hurts the most and at time I have found myself saying I would rather you hit me then talk to me that way at least bruises heal right. For eight years I allowed this to go on then i got a job and then sasly a friend of mine died and her boyfriend and I started talking, he came looking for me cus he new how close my friend and I were and he knew I liked to talk and that I could also listen. He and I talked about everything there was nothing going on in my life he did not know about and vice versa we became friends. For just about 2 months we talked only on the phone and then right at my 8 year anivarsary my then boy friend hurt my feelings for what i thought woukd be the last time. We were at his fruends house and i sat on his lap he then told me to get iff his leg i was to heavy and i was hurting him, i said excuse me he said you heard me and i dont know why your here anyways no one likes you ehy dont you go find your own friends and i saud sre you serious and then he saud to my yeah your nothing but a half of a woman any ways so leave and I did. The half if a woman comes from me having a partial histerectomy due to cervical dysplasia. Thats when I lost 60 lbs. put in housing apps, found some friends of my own, and decided talking on the phone to my friends (who had passed away prior) boyfriend was not enough and i went to his house. My friend ended up violating his parole and went back to prison for 6 months. I wrote him and told him that my boyfriend and i were going to try to work things out and that i could no longer write him, (he never got that letter until he reported to parole when he got released they actually handed it to him). The fighting didnt stop between my boyfriend and I and I finally got approved for housing. I was so happy finally I could leave. The morning my friend got out of prison my boyfriend snd I got into an argument and he jumped on me and proceeded to punch me where ever he could land them he did. My head and my arms were all lumped and bruised up when the cops came he went to jail but not before he cleaned out the bank account for 20,000$ leaving me and 4 kids with 1300. I got a storage and i packed everything that belonged to me and my kids i even packed all the food i left him a can of green beans and i believe some chicken. I did not take one thing of his and before I left I cleaned the whole house and showered whipping my pu**** on the only towel I left for him, I dont know why I did that but I did. Why I answered the phone the night he called me I really cant say except that I still loved him. He asked me to come home and I told him the only way I would come home is if he would marry me he said no do i said then i sm not coming back and hung up. The next morning I had a voicemail asking me to marry him. I told my friend and he told me to go home and he told me that he hoped I'd always smile, and when he got his shit together he'd come get me. For the first 2 years of our marriage everything was awesome then i found out he was chatting on line. (By the way be4 we got married I told him about the other guy i told him the whole truth about him). He had been chatting with a couple different girls and it had been going on. Yes a taste if karma or revenge but you see he was supposed to leave everything that happened prior to the marraige behind us as i did with all his mishaps and did i forget to mention that while i was pregnant with our first daughter he cheated on me and actually intended on leaving me sending a friend to tell me he didnt want to be with me the friend never came to tell me though. Anyways we are 6 years in to our marriage and since november (other the a few boughts here and there) of this last year he has become physical again and more verbal then ever he is actually breaking things and since we r married it doesn't matter he can break what ever he wants its community property. Ive tried to leave he manipulates me, hes even went as far as attempting to commite suicide by taking perscribtion medication. I think to myself everyday why did you allow this to go on, why did you turn around, why did you answer the phone, why did i allow him to talk me into quitting my job, why did i trust him? When I met him I was a brave take on the world 22 year old with so much spirit and life inside me, now Im 36 with a heart full of hate an fear and head full of memories of a girl that trusted to much. Believe me I want to leave I think about it all the time but how do I do that now that I have become so dependent on him, how do I let go of him my abuser, how do I walk away and how do I stay away? Can I and how do I live with out him? Will I ever be able to leave?
I've read most of your posts and can identify with many. I left my husband of 17 years, a year and a half ago. I put up with years of verbal abuse and threats to kill me. I thought he'd never let me go, but when I did leave it was the easiest thing to do. I simply walked out and rang the police, who came and arrested him for threatening to kill me. I took my children to a friends house for two days then booked myself into a refuge, where we stayed for a couple of months, until I was rehoused. This was the best thing I could have done and I've never had any regrets. Someone who loves you should treat you with respect. I now respect myself again, after many years of being put down by him. It's a slow process, but once you start to care about yourself again, life gets better, much better. Have the strength to walk away and good luck all of you.
I made a mistake by knowing I loved a person and thinking he loved me. After I cashed out my retirement for his son's house, gave up the proceeds to the sale of my home and moved in with him so he could add to his collection of muscle cars ; I found that he had no capacity for love, respect, dignity of others, compassion, for a start.
I was beaten and my body harmed by repeated beatings starting nine years ago. He doesn't hit me hard anymore, just punches, slaps a bit, spits on me, makes motions to hit me and if I flinch he laughs and chides me, treats me as a servant even down to cleaning floors after spilling coffee along them, flushing toilets after he leaves #2's, closing doors in the cold of winter/heat of summer (if I did something like that I would be screamed at and if I don't catch it before he comes back I get screamed at for not closing), calling my family and friends and yelling at them (I really don't have friends anymore), calling the places I've worked or telling people things about me where I work (we live in a small town where he grew up), he is friends with most police, the sheriff, and the police chief, he was even able to find out what was in my hospital record when he beat me bad a few years back because his son worked at the small hospital here and made copies of my record and many more things.
Today after being called the 'c' word, a whore, a fat pig, psychotic; I finally said that he was behaving like a sociopath. I had thought that in the past, but had never said it.
I have no money left, I'm 63 years old, I can't find a job as I have had so many injuries throughout life that I can't stand for very long and I'm in a lot of pain. I am trying to get myself though the next couple years as there is no health insurance as I can't pay for it.
I live off what I make selling books on the internet. Every penny goes to pay for my internet service so I can sell, car insurance, utilities, groceries for the house, rent to him for the room I stay in and Vonage for my phone. I do all the housework, all the yard and property work, I pay for my own way even though I have little anymore and he owns his house free and clear from when his wife died.
I do not have the money to live elsewhere as this is a small town in the oil field areas so rent is high. There is a women's shelter with limited stay, a fee, but it is for people who have addiction issues. There are few options for me, especially since I can't find a job and can't handle being on my feet for even a short period of time.
I grew up in a home where I was verbally, physically and sexually abused. I just want people to know that childhood abuse has lasting consequences. I know people say to just get over this and I have tried over and over. Basically, I am a throwaway human being that as my family had mentioned should have never been born.
I married a man that I thought was a nice man and he said that I turned him into a drinker (even though his mother and father as well as brother were drinkers). I was battered my him and when we divorced he won custody of our son because he was fit and I was not (I had filed for divorce because I was being battered too much). His neighbor did the psychologicals on us and no one would believe I was being battered, even though I had ended up in the hospital with broken bones, my breasts scalded with a pot of hot coffee, concussions. His uncle whom was a judge helped him and I never saw our son again.
I have talked to our son after I found them a few years ago. Our son has addiction issues, has stabbed a woman and is very abusive toward me over the phone calling me the same name's his Dad did.
I know by saying that my current SO was acting as a sociopath is abusive and should not have done something like that. Because I had made a sound of pain when I bent over to clean up after him, he became very angry today. I really am in pain. He said it was mocking him and that I am jealous as he has family that loves him and I don't have family that loves me. He said people flinch when they see me because I'm a fat, stupid, ugly pig and that no one likes me.
I am not going to do myself in, but I am hoping I pass away soon as I am a failure as a human being and as I'm told I am taking up space in this world.
I understand what people are saying in this article and responses and I just want people to know that when abuse toward a person is embedded, (it is hard to impossible if they can) to get out of it.
I hope this makes people think the next time something mean and degrading comes out of their mouth toward their children or others. It has lasting consequences and weak people like me have never been able to replace what has happened to be able to get out.
I don't know why I have sought people who are like how I was raised and I know there is only one responsible person and that is me...my job was to replace unhealthy behaviors of seeking people like this whom I thought were nice and replace with healthy behaviors.
Sometimes there is no place to go even though people say 'just leave'.
I just got done reading these comments and it has literally changed my life. I have been putting up with my husband's verbal abuse for going on two years now, always believing that he can change. It only takes the head of a pin to set him off, little things, like me stumbling over a rock for him to flip his sh@#$ and say things like: "You are such a stupid bitch, you fucking cunt, why the fuck cant you just take care of yourself instead of being so fucking stupid?! I dont know why the fuck I married you but you are the stupidest person I have ever fucking known." and other equally horrible things. I am a very easy going person and so it frankly shocked me that he would ever call me these things. Plus, I know he loves me to the best of his ability but I am so TIRED of walking on eggshells to try to calm his little anger issues. Marriage is a serious commitment, and I never thought I would go back on this commitment, but he gives me no choice. We have tried everything, I even forced him to take anger management, but he never took it seriously. He takes no precautions in how he speaks to me when he is angry, he has no filter. He just says any and every hurtful thing that comes to mind. The weird thing is, 90% of the time we have what can be classified as the 'perfect' relationship, but that ten percent has completely sent our marriage into the craphole. No one would want to live the rest of their life trying to not piss off their partner in their relationship, and I am definitely not the type of girl to get walked on. I would also NEVER put my children through what he puts me through, and I am not taking any more chances or giving him any more leeway. I am a beautiful, smart girl, and I don't need any man in my life to tell me otherwise. Thank you for the courage, Healthy Place. I am leaving him in four days. Good luck to all you ladies with a similar situation, I hope you find a way to solve the problem.
My husband tells me that I don't know what work is and he won't give me money either. I feel so stuck here!
I hate my life I have no self esteem I feel helplessness hopeless I don't even look towards the future. I have been married for 2 years now and I've been called fat bald head been told I look like a beast and even jumped on several times. Been told that I'm a whoring slur and the list goes on and on...in reading this blog I can relate to you all and I pray the we all get help and get out so..
I have been married for 10 years now to my second husband. When we met it was magic things just flowed and the sex was out of this world. We went through a lot over the years because we were both separated from previous relationships his was ex girlfriend mine an ex husband. We both were fighting for custody of our kids. His ex put him through so much hell even trying to get restraining order against him so he couldn't see his kid, throwing him in jail on false charges and leaving state for over a year not allowing him to see his kid. I stood by him through all of this and much more, being broke, losing twins, and so on. The first time he put his hands on me was in front of my 18mnth old because my thong was showing above my pants when I bent over. He ripped them off while my pants were on, shocked me so I hot mad and he pushed me to the kitchen floor got on top of me grabbed the front of my shirt scratching my chest and slapped me while cursing me all while my 18 mnth old stood watching. Of course he apologized we talked and I thought it was okay. As with most couples we talked and told each other stories of of lives. Bad idea , he uses them against me yet some of mine are nowhere near as bad as his. He slept with his wife's best friend in the rm next to his own rm while his wife was sleeping. As years went buy trust on both parts has decreased. What increased has been his verbal abuse. I'm fat, ugly,lazy, whore,bitch, stupid,cunt,immature,bad mom, and more. I admit I'm not innocent I've made mistakes and he reminds me every chance he gets. Especially when he gets caught doing something that according to him is cheating if I do it, like tonight it will be the second time I found texts to his ex that put him through hell, he's called her naughty girl, reminded her of past events, and when he could just answer in one word about his picking up his kid he goes on and on chatting. She was sick and he sympathized asking if she was okay . He found out she drinks Jameson whiskey so he bought some to try. Anytime he us reminded he is just as guilty as other people he calls me out of name, he has punched and hit me, broken my phone slamming it into a wall, thrown glasses at me with whiskey in them making imprints in walls and punch the bathroom wall making a hole, through the years. It amazes me because he has told me he wanted this girl dead and now he loves texting her. He always apologizes shortly after especially if he can't sleep saying I have to help him sleep. He's held me next to him with force before as well.hell say he didn't mean those thing he said he was angry and it wont happen again but it does every time he's angry I'm a fat nasty lazy cunt bitch stupid whore. What should I think about his new obsession with his ex , he says hes not doing anything wrong but he got so mad she he realized I knew he was still texting her more than he should. Tomorrow hel go to work without saying anything to me , may or may not text or call me meanwhile he may text her because were picking up his daughter for our weekend, and when he comes home everything will still be my fault, if I hadn't made mistakes and been a bitch whore blah blah or the other act as tho he never did anything and my feelings shouldn't be hurt.
Like everyone else who typed in the search box on this subject... I am here. I want to shout to all of you "GET OUT", but... I find that I am one of us that can't. Easier said than done, right? We want to stay because we love them, because we are normal and they have problems... then again, perhaps we have problems that keep us from seeing the truth... or maybe we really do see the truth, but we don't want to admit it because the reality is just too painful.
I've been with my abuser for 15 years. I've been hit, spit on, called every name in the book, manipulated into his "game" and made to feel less than a person, and made to feel like I'm the one who is crazy and wrong. I don't look in the mirror, I don't do anything for myself lest I be called selfish, I don't take care of myself like I used to because I will be yelled at, belittled, and manipulated if I do. I have naturally curly hair, and if any of you have it, you know what a pain it is in humidity.. I straightened my hair today, and he called me a hooker and told me that I was to never wear my hair like that when I am with him. So he's the body builder and of course can look perfect.... fair, right? He tells me he wants me to find someone else, he calls me stupid and that I don't know anything. I wanted to go go church, and he told me he was going to the races (where all the women wear nothing). He uses it against me to control what I do. He also uses gas-lighting to make me feel crazy. (if you don't know what that is, do a search on it, it may make you feel much better!)
Part of me wants to have this over... and hopefully get back the 15 years I lost. I have no friends, I have no family (other than his, of course), and if I do something he doesn't like, I'm manipulated into what he wants. But, like everyone else... I love him. I really do. I see his sickness, but I hope for him to get help. The only person I have in my life that I can talk to is God. He hears me and I feel better. Perhaps it is my choice to get out of this... and if that is the case, then I will know the right time, and then God will give me the strength to do so. I as am without answers as anyone else is who is "in" it.. I do read Isaiah 41:8-21... and it helps me feel better and not so alone.
The hurt is intense, and I wonder if I will ever be normal again. I used to love people, be outgoing, loved life. Now I am reclusive, scared to talk to anyone (or I get in trouble), and I hate my existence. I will keep pressing on until I find the answers... but I've come to find out that maybe the answers are not what I want to hear... then I have a choice to make.
My heart breaks with all of those who have written before me... and I don't feel so crazy and that "it's just me". Thank you for being honest and open. Be careful... it isn't easy and it isn't safe. Just try to use the best judgement you can, fight through the fear and the self-doubt, and do the best you can. We ARE smart, we ARE brave... we just have a beast that is winning right now. But we can survive it... keep seeking the help and affirmation. We'll eventually find the courage and hope to do what we need to do and what is best for us and most importantly, for our kids.
I have a boyfriend. We meet online but haven't seen each other yet. We have plans though. The only problem, whenever he is mad at me he keeps on calling me names, just like now, he called me bitch, fucking ass cunt and stupid many times for one simple mistake which I didnt even know would make him mad cause I never mean anything with what I said. He also always tell he will leave many times but there are days wherein he asked me not to leave him. I am getting confused. I love him and I promised not to leave him. I am not sure what to feel cause this happens everyday.
Don't bother seeing him in person. If he's abusing you online, he's going to abuse you in person. Block him from all social websites and do not read his messages or emails. Sounds harsh, but he is harsher.
Sometimes we make promises that we don't have to keep. When a person behaves the way your online friend behaves, there is no reason to stay faithful or remain in love with them. He obviously doesn't love you (not REAL love) if he can call you all those names and emotionally abuse you daily.
I know exactly how some of these women feel... It's hard to leave my abuser... My husband calls me names (pig, bitch, dumb fu$&, piece of **** and the list goes on)... He is always yelling at me and putting me down and hitting me... He bullies me around and stays on me all he time... He beat me up on our honeymoon and then embarrassed me there... He cursed me out In front of other tourist and threw rocks at me while I was walking away... He followed behind me as we crossed a Main Street and threw our drink cups on me... It was so humiliating and said bitch get out of here so I had to walk back to the hotel by myself... I could tell so many stories from a daily basis but I feel trapped... I have a chronic pain and other problems that keep me down but I can't rest cause if I do he will say I'm lazy or I'm lying... Tonight we were working on a project and he cursed me out and I went inside before he embarrassed me infront of our neighbors... Any advice...
Hi I'm reading all these posts and can related to plenty of these situations. I'm currently in relationship with, what I think is an emotional abuser. We have been together for 5 years. We met online and he seemed like a good guy. We dated and he eventually moved in with me after a year. From then until now, things changed. He constantly tells me I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm an idiot, I'm stupid and the list goes on and on. Initially the name calling devastated me so much. I had never been called so many ugly names. Now I hear the names and I don't let them affect me as much. I know I'm not a stupid person. I'm actually quite intelligent. I don't know if he'll ever change? I'm just tired of all the BS! I'm sick of all this mess!! There's a part of me that wants to breakup but then there's a part of me that doesn't. I know I don't deserve the way he treats me. I tell him if he continues to treat me this way, I'll just break up. He always tells me to go ahead and break up. He says its no big deal for him. He says he'll be ok. He's never told me he loves me and he says we are not in a relationship like I think we are? I'm confused by that? He tells me how unhappy he is and we don't go out anywhere because he doesn't want to be seen with me. I'm don't know what else to do. I mean, I do know what to do but just need to get the courage to do it.
Scroll to the bottom of this page: http://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/safety-planning/
Download the safety plan. It will help put you in a stronger frame of mind. No one deserves the treatment he dishes out to you. I'm sorry for your circumstances, but circumstances change. Keep changing.
Hi, well I read everything you wrote down and well in my case I wouldn't say it's that bad or physical at all. I've been dating this girl for 4 1/2 years and well what I don't really understand is that for the first 2 1/2 years she was perfectly fine sweet, romantic, funny, fun to be with and well everything just basically started to change like her attitude just basically changed.. I kept and keep asking why she changed so much yet she always tells me the same thing which is I don't know why I just didpeopeople change.. I mean I know she lives in a dysfunctional family her mom is a alcoholic and her dad cheated with multiple womem and took care of their kids yet he/she never really we're there for her.. When I first heard that it broke my heart but the problem is that she uses that and her being half latina and Italian for every little thing but I keep telling her its not a reason... I started to think maybe she had anger issues or something because it was kinda obvious she had a problem.. Whenever id ask a question or would want to talk about my feelings or her's she'd just get really mad and tell me off and just leave and ignore my calls and text.. And well she's always so mean and cold she doesn't show any affection well she occasionally does but not like normal couples would even though im positive I'm far from being in a normal relationship.. So I'm basically not allowed to ask nothing and she always has an excuse to not answer and tell me off... There's so many things that ate just so wrong but I'd be writing forever haha I'm a sensitive guy I'm very caring even though I look like I'm not... Like we tried breaking up but she came back crying begging me and well apparently I got no balls so I accepted her back.. It worked sure for a day then she'd be back to her normal self.. she basically says on a text she sent me one night "your leaving yes I know but anyways you'll be back lol so yay night" she just keeps playing with me basically knowing im sensitive and serious about our relationship yet she just keeps telling me off and playing with me and gets mad and moody whenever she doesn't get what she wants... ( by the way sorry if it isn't clear I just needed to say this even though nobody really gives a #:-@ I'm just tired of this it's my first relationship, I never had a girlfriend I'm 21 and I thought she was the one but everyday is just like hell on earth with her... I'm sorry for what I'm going to say but if she always tells me off I'll just have to say this life is a bitch and I'm f@cking dating one... I'm very a very quiet person and I'm not so good with girls I got lucky to find such gorgeous girl but I guess it was too good to be true... :/
If you think back to that 2 1/2 year mark, did something happen to confirm your commitment to her? Move in together, get pregnant,... something to where she felt she had you hooked? If so, she followed the pathway of an abuser. They show their true selves when you're deeply in love with who they are NOT.
Look, 4 years is a good bit of time to be in a relationship. I can understand not wanting to waste that time, to try to press on and see if she turns back into the sweet sexy thing you thought you were with. It isn't worth it. Cut your losses and get out. You're 21. That's about the age I married my abuser. Spent 17 years in the hell you're experiencing now. She is not worth your life.
Make a plan to leave, then stay gone. It will be hard. She may even give you a glimpse of sweet and sexy to entice you back. Don't be fooled.
to to that page
scroll to the bottom
download the safety plan and fill it out
Earlier today i tried to get a loan so i could pay it back ands get credit. My husband was so excited to throw it in my face that he wad going to help me get this loan his grandma was going to co- sign. Basically, it didn't pan out because she didn't make enough in her budgeting. I'm 22, and don't have credit. Anyways, he freaks out on me saying GD what is wrong with everybody wtf and continues to scream ands cuss.I'm keeping my cool the whole time and try to calm him down and he hangs up on me. Btw he's in Afghanistan, And no him being overseas isn't why he acts the easy he does, he wad like this well before he left. Anyways we get off the phone, i message him saying "that's right, it's all my fault, take it out on me" and replies with "shut your gd stupid pathetic f'ing b**** @$$ up, like dont talk top me unless i say something to you first". He says stuff like this all the time and i ask him what i can do in certain situations so he won't blow up on me and he just says don't piss me off. He's completely controlling, He's accused me of sleeping with two different bosses, which is completely ridiculous as they're much older and not attractive to me, besides the fact I'm married and so are they. I don't want to leave him. I feel like I've tried everything to fix things. I moved away from my friends and family to live near his family so now I'm here all by myself in a house thats falling completely apart, that he hasn't even lived with me in because i moved in the day after he left. I've made so many sacrifices to be with him and he doesn't even acknowledge it. He calls me stupid every day, the other day he said your just like all the other sluts I've been with, He's always threatening leaving me like i got rid of my car because he wad going to crap before i moved here now I'm driving his, He threatened to leave me with nothing in this crappy town full of meth heads. he called earlier only after telling me to just leave him if I'm so unhappy and he said he wishes i would because he'd be much happier, He asks a question about the loan, i was so mad at this point i said why the f*** does it matter? ! Don't talk to me, he messages me saying good night sweet dreams i love you. ...right after he says how happy hew would be if i left. On a lighter note we do have good days we laughed so hard the other day he can be so sweet, funny, charming, And just make me so happy. Then he runs it. We are suppose to go on a cruise for our honeymoon, And he drops a bomb on me saying he's invited his ex gf and his best friend, who have married each other, on our cruise. I was so mad ands he couldn't wrap his head around why i was mad. Thankfully they declined, the fact he would even invite people on a trip that's suppose to be intimate ands private and celebrating our marriage....I'm running our of ideas with him. It would kill me to leave him though because even after all the terrible hurtful things he says, j love him. I xant imagine being without him. Even if i did wall away, who would be with him and put up with it?! He also had a really bad child hood his dad was an abusive controlling drunk and his mom is and has been on every drug you can think of. my dad was like that when i was little but i dont act out like that..maybe he dealt with it differently? I guess just looking for input from a stranger lol if someone even bothers to read this.
My boyfriend of 2 years is normally quite an angry person in general it doesn't take a lot to make him flip, the first signs are when we are in public he'll say weird things like "stop talking" and the other night we ended up in a domestic he was saying things to me like "I hate to look at you, you disgust me" when I went to leave he grabbed my arms and dragged me and threw me on the sofa although he wasn't hitting me I still found it disgusting and whenever I cry he says "why are you crying? Turning on the water works" or "I'm a pig" "I'm a slut" "I hate you" "I'm going back to my ex" although we've now apologised and are good as can be I'm just scared for the next time he's angry, he does have really good traits to him, he doesn't agree with hitting or raping woman, but he has said "you make me want to hit you" everytime I mention looking into anger management he doesn't agree with it.
I hope you leave him, Paige. Until then, download this safety plan: http://verbalabusejournals.com/pdf/comprehensive-safety-plan-print.pdf
I have been with a man for 11 years being abused and verbal abused more verbal . He has told me many times he is going to Barry me . He wishes I would fall and break my neck . He wishes I was dead . Spited on me before. Hit his own six year old son with s hanger while I was at work . and choked my 15 year old . He has spit in my moms face for sticking up for me . He cheats on me .I know because he has given me a std two times even pregnant at the time with his son . He calls me stupid and that no one will want me that I am bagged with three kids . He comes and goes as he wants . He drinks and does drugs his drug of choice is coke . The man is smart and has a good job . He is 36 but still goes to clubs . And he goes on date sites . I don't know why I stayed with a man like that . We just separated a month ago . And he still puts me down I think I been called so many names all the years I been with him I am scared really bad . I have never been treated so bad in my life . I don't know why I stayed and I let him get to me and my boys .
Molli, I am crying from just reading your post. ..I can so relate. I wished I could say I'm out but I'm not. I have hope some days that I will be.
My husband rants and my crying from it is a viscous circle. ..so I fake that I'm ok and cry in silent. When he is yelling at night and my precious children are sleeping, I can't beg him to stop, he only says I'm using them as shields and keeps going. ..sometimes throwing things and swinging his arms at me. I will get out! And I pray for you to do the same!
Rubi, life is so short but some people make it so long when you have to deal with abuse. ...please give yourself the chance to be happy and leave this man. I have been married for 25 years in July and there have been too many bad times...when I look back, of coarse there were good times, like my children being born, etc. But more bad memories than good. Please don't be like me and wake up and it's many years later and you've been unhappy all thru the years.
I think we women feel like we have to accept some meanness when we aren't perfect or half way perfect but God wants good things for us and not to be kicked around. Prayers for you
I read everything you wrote. Now that the tears have stopped, I can say this. I am the voice that has said so many things like what you listed and some way more hurtful. My wife left during Spring Break this year. Since then we have talked, made love, voiced and let out pent up thoughts, even made plans on her moving back in. Then Thur she text me asking for 50.00 to pay on her truck note. I gave her my cc number and she withdrew 50.00. During some of our talks she made mention that for a long time now I couldn't or wouldn't just call to see how she was doing. Well Friday morning around 10ish feeling happy about her showing signs of relationship growth I called just say hello and I'm thinking about you. About 3 min into the conversation I ask what she was doing"Driving" where are you headed"New Orleans for the weekend". We live about an hour south of Houston Tx and 6 to 7 hours from New Orleans. As soon as she said New Orleans it felt as my heart was ripped out and I needed to vomit. I couldn't believe she less than 10 hours told me she didn't have the money to pay bills, is now on her way in her truck to South La with two girlfriends. I only took a couple minutes for the rage to take over. Over the next two days I cut losses like I had never ever done. It was gut wrench and vil to say the least. Well I work over nights and somewhere around 3am something happened inside of me. As I sat in my work truck all alone, I cried. I cried uncontrollably for a while. I had seen that my jealously of her trip blocked out my love. That feeling was worse than the one I had when she said"New Orleans ". As day break came I texted and we talked, I conveyed to her how my body was turning inside out and I had seen what I did. I have never felt gilt like this before in my life ever. We continue to talk and text. Yesterday she came to our old house, my home. We talked, we cried, we kissed. I held her so tight, and as I was I felt the ice. Our conversation continues to the point that she thinks divorce now and see where we are down the road is the best plan of action. I don't.... She has a few mental issues her self and we had already agreed that we had to fix ourselves before we could fix our marriage. Well after the asshole fest of the weekend I believe I have killed any love for me that was there. I'm not suicidal, really don't know how I will live without her. As karma gets comfortable in my life, I have been on the worst ride ever. The feeling of worthlessness, self hate, guilt, shame, and so on are so powerful I feel like I'm dieing. All I want is the opportunity to show my wife the one true love of my life how I'm not him anymore, I can confront problems without losing my cool. I'm not asking for any of you to feel anything for me, I just wanted to share the other side of this problem. I have gotten on some meds, looking down a Spiritual path, lost my fear to cry. I hope the Monster in me didn't kill the Love in her. I have no idea why I say things like I do. Been a problem for a few years but nothing on the scale it hit this past weekend. I truly have hate for my self for the things I've done.
I met a guy who was really sweet when I met him 2 years ago but I moved in with him a year ago and he hits me and says it's my fault and yells at me the ugliest names and says that it's my fault that I provoke him cuz I don't leave him alone but he wants to be drinking and be up and down with his friends but I can't even be with my family cuz he gets very angry.
Please tell me someone out there has left and found happiness.
Please, somebody, tell me there's someone out there who won't call me names and make me cry. Who won't yell even more when I do start to cry.
Somebody tell me it gets better, because I don't believe it.
I'm tired of being called a whinny ass, a crap, a bitch, and other things by my husband. He even does it in front of my kids. Not sure what to do because im stuck all my family lives 2 or more hours away. His mom lives close but he does it in front of her and she doesnt say anything. I feel like im alone and in my little hell by myself.
I am that person that verbally abuses my partner with the nastiest words that come to my mind. I never stop to think before I speak. When I am in rage I am very ugly and say really hurtful things. My boyfriend has told me over and over again to seek help and I always agree that I do need help. I know that I have anger and resentment problems I just don't know how to deal with those issues when I'm upset. I need some advise. I am so tired of hurting him he does not deserve any of this. He has put up with me and so much. I need to find a way to help myself so I can show him respect. I adore this wonderful man of mine, but my behavior and wrong doings have pushed him away so far this time that I feel like I've lost him. I am finally willing to accept the challenge I've been fighting because I'm scared to see the truth. Can someone out there share some information with me. I am desperate to change for once and for all! The people around me do not deserve this mad crazy person that Ive been for so long.
Try reading one or two of Patricia Evans books. They're geared for female victims to read, but I'm certain you'll understand what she's saying. I recommend "The Verbally Abusive Man:Can He Change?" because of the contract instructions.
Also, it seems like you have a pretty good grasp on WHY you abuse. Look for a cognitive-behavioral therapist to help you stop abusing.
I've been married for a whopping 4 months. My husband was my dream man I never thought I'd be worthy enough to be with. I never felt like I deserved anyone like him (in a good way). As time went on, I noticed his drinking increased, as did the anger level. I have my suspicions about some undiagnosed PTSD (he is a Marine combat vet) and undiagnosed depression (due to losing his older brother in a car accident 14 years ago), and I know, based off what his mother told me, that his drinking and anger stems from those tragic life events. He's never gotten help for either, and he's admitted to dealing with his problems by bottling them up inside. He promised I wouldn't marry an alcoholic (I'm a fool for trusting him). He had/has a hard time finding work he enjoys, and I know he's depressed because he doesn't feel like he's pulling his weight. But instead of owning up to it and doing something about it, he does a "grown-up" version of moping and drinks and sleeps all day (the term grown-up is in quotes because for the most part, I think he's acting like a selfish child).
For whatever reason, after the wedding, things flipped. He says I'm the reason for his drinking, and it got way worse, as did the anger. The last 2 months, his coiled up fists and mumbling under his breath turned into vocal attacks - started with "you're such a nag" and grew into "you b***h, go f**k yourself". This week, actually, the last 48 hours, I made a list of the hurtful things he says to me, partly to show our counselor on Friday and partly to remind him when he doesn't remember or tries to deny what he said.
Sunday (excerpts, not all are listed) - I hate you...and you wonder why you can never keep a man...if I'm dead in the morning, it's your fault...you're a horrible f***king person...
Monday - you are so obnoxious...go away, because that's what I wish you would f***king do...you're going to be the death of me...
Today - you're the bane of my existence...you're a liar...go ahead, call your mommy up like the 5 yr old little girl that you are...you're a horrible, horrible person...you vicious b***h... And the best one of all? "I'm going to go home and shoot myself in the face and make you watch".
This is such a heart-breaking situation for me. I, of course, am hurt by all the nasty things he says, especially as each day gets worse, but I know he doesn't mean them. He is lashing out and clearly hurt by a lot of things, but we cannot communicate. He is drinking to soothe his pain, and he knows it. I can't get him to get help. I found a gentleman who went through the same trauma he did in war, but he won't talk to him. He has phone numbers for the doc's office, but he won't call. I have set up interviews and sent out resumes for him, but he doesn't go on his own. I am busting my ass 6 days a week to take care of all our bills and our responsibilities, and the verbal abuse is the thanks I get.
I just needed to vent. Feeling so completely lost and helpless. I hope I'm not alone.
No, you are not alone. You need to know that your husband's FLIP is a hallmark trait of an abusive person. As soon as he or she believes you are trapped or bound to them in some way, they switch to the abusive "2nd Person" you now see.
The unfortunate truth is that the "2nd Person" is the real person. You fell in love with this 2nd Person's mask - his false front - his trap.
You are reacting in a typical fashion too. You are making excuses for him, trying to get him the help he does not want, and frankly, probably does not need. PTSD can cause people to act the fool, but you are not witnessing PTSD alone (if he has PTSD at all). Your new husband is showing you his true face. I know it is hard to believe, but I've been around the block a few times and I know that "this" will not get better.
Visit http://thehotline.org and call the hotline. They'll tell you the truth too.
I feel for you. I hope you cut your losses and get out now.
My husband of 4 months has been verbally abusive toward me and has never showed signs of remorse or care concerning the way he treats me. I was single for 12 years awaiting the man I would share my life with but all I want to do is run as far away as I can. He always continues as if nothing happened and blames me for his nasty attitude toward me. I'm a pretty confident women who paid a price to be where I am today but I left everything to be dis valued and disrespected. I tried to highlight the good about him hoping he would change but how could you change when you believe strongly that it's not you. He's slandered my name to his family. In the beginning it shocked me and I retaliated back with words but that's not who I am today so I withdrew from his ignorance. Last night I decided I deserve better and let it go but for some reason I feel sorry for him just not enough to stay in the marriage. I never been in a relationship like this before and I love me to much to continue being disrespected. Leave with the little dignity you have left before you have nothing at all.
It's now been 8 months since I left my verbally and sexually abusive ex. I feel so much better than I was even before I met him and I know that has only been possible because of myfaith in God and Christ's unconditional, restoring love for me. Like most of you, my ex was incredibly charming from the beginning. We were in a long distance relationship and the first time we met in person, he'd flown over from the states to London to visit me. It was a magical one week Sowerby together, he was very romantic and I couldn't believe how lucky I was to have found someone like him. Over time though things started changing gradually. I noticed he was prone to outbursts and would say hurtful things. I initially just took it as the normal fights couples go through our excused it for the stress he was facing at work because he was a resident doctor. With time he started pressuring me to expose myself sexually to him via Skype even though he knew i wasn't comfortable with it. We had talked from the beginning about sex and I'd made it clear I was saving myself for marriage. He would say things to me like "are you normal? , were you abused? " etc because he couldn't understand why I didn't want to get intimate with him. I really liked him and I sometimes I'd partly undress in front of him i guess to prove to him and myself that i did have sexual desires as well even though i was keeping them in check. All of this was happening remotely as we were in different cities. Other times when we had fights and he was angry, he would call me a selfish person, tell me i knew nothing about love. I never responded back aggressively to him because his words always took me by surprise and i wasn't raised to speak to people in that manner so i always found it hard to understand why he would speak to me that way and yet tell me that he highly regarded and respected me. Sometimes it was my fault he got upset, he'd tell me that i said something that reminded me of his ex or tuned him the wrong way. I believed him and so gradually i started watching my words and wondering each time we argued what I'd done to set him off. It was mostly always something I'd done and not him. I'll admit that some of our arguments were also due to my having a strong personality and firm opinions which clashed with his.
Finally things took a turn for the worse when i went over to visit him. We went on a vacation together and he gave me grief for not sleeping with him, telling me that he still felt alone though i was there with him, that i wasn't showing him affection bla bla bla. I felt horrible! One day he gave me the cold treatment for the entire day and barely spoke to me. I tried to pacify him and convince him that i loved him but for him, love meant having sex with him. This wasn't the worst part of the relationship though. It was when the words turned to me behaving like a bitch,telling me to go to hell,saying God forbid that he would ever marry someone like me, using the f-word to my face, saying women annoy the hell out of him etc that i knew i had to end the relationship.
Here i was this confident, professional woman who no longer recognised herself. I used to ask myself how i could have ended up in that relationship. I was a mess by the time i could muster up the courage to end the relationship. I knew i needed to get away from it and rediscover myself but also he needed help and it was not mine to give. The thing is, most of us women erroneously believe that we can change the abuser and we convince ourselves that they need us, that we love them, that they're good and perhaps if we can just show them that what they're saying or doing is wrong then they'll change. Sadly this is all part of the manipulation of abusers that messes with our psyche. Most abusers won't change until they can recognise that their behavior is fundamentally wrong. one can only change a ring one recognises and sadly many don't because it is ingrained in them and forms part of their character. I felt guilty for a long time for walking away and i kept thinking maybe it wasn't all that bad and i was overreacting but what helped me realise it was bad was that i couldn't recognise myself anymore. A good relationship will enrich and not diminish you. So ask yourself this question putting emotions aside - do you feel enriched by your partner in every way or do you feel bad about yourself?
If you're reading this and suspect you're in an abusive relationship, chances are you most likely are. Your spirit is telling you what your mind refuses to accept. You may think it's impossible to walk away for whatever reason, but know that by staying on in the relationship, you will continue to be chipped away bit by bit like a block and you're not helping the abuser who also needs professional help. If he's willing to seek counsel and you're not willing to walk away, then get help. But if he's not, know that you will be OK even if you leave him. It may be horrible initially but day by day you will find strength to move on through the love and support of friends, loved one and your faith if you have one. I'm speaking from experience and I hope that my story can encourage someone reading this.