Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do
What does verbal abuse sound like? The tone and content varies from abuser to abuser, but the words effect the victim in similar ways. Victims hear horrible things from their abuser and they feel small, withdrawn, angry, helpless, sad, shame, and a hundred other horrible emotions - sometimes all at once.
In the beginning of my abusive relationship, I felt anger and stood up for myself which led to loud, circular verbal altercations that had no solutions. Later, after coming to believe that he was my hero, my savior and provider, I felt stupid and wanted to fix myself so he would love me. Much later, I turned away and left the house for awhile which eventually led to increased physical violence and leaving forever.
Sometimes my abuser's words hurt when he jabs and attempts to provoke on the phone. Mostly, the memory, the countless memories of the abusive things he's said to me rear up and try to convince me that his remembered voice is my own.
This list is only a partial list of the things verbal abusers say. It's not limited to my own abusive relationship. It takes into account what others report hearing, too.
Things Verbal Abusers Say:
- "Why don't you get a job so you understand the real world? Oh, wait - I forgot - you can't get a job because you're a stupid sh!t.
- "Quit your whining and crying. You have no reason to cry or complain! Your life is perfect because I made it that way!"
- "Bitch" (and the countless other names I won't bother to list)
- "I should have left you at the club with all the other whores."
- "If you were more like my mother I could worship you."
- "I hate it when you act so pitiful. Stop the waterworks and talk like a human being."
- "I can't stand to look at you. You make me sick."
- "You're such a great actress! You know how to get what you want, don't you?"
- "I can't believe I have to come home to you every day. How did I get involved with such a train wreck?"
- "I must be the first a$$hole to love you. You don't know how to please a man!"
- "You're fat and miserable and you make me hate you."
- "You always look like God stomped on your face."
- "Why do you care what I want for dinner? My favorites taste like crap when you make them anyway."
- "You used to be as beautiful as my ex, but geesh - time hasn't been good to you, baby!"
- "Those children are mine, will always be mine, and if you leave you'll never see them again."
Things Verbal Abusers Do:
- Deny they said anything similar to the list above.
- Defend what they've said.
- Analyze what they've said out loud, explaining that the words they used do not have the definitions you seem to think they do.
- Block you in a room so you can't leave and thereby avoid what they're saying.
- Talk horribly to the television but are really speaking to you.
- Flip open their knife to open a piece of gum while looking at you under knitted brows.
- Leave to do something else at the last minute when you had plans together.
- Take you out for your best birthday ever and then wind up berating you on the way home for not appreciating their efforts enough.
- Tell your children you need more happy pills to be a good mom.
- Change the topic of the conversation so you bounce from one place to another, never getting to the core of the issue.
- Accuse you of being a whore or a dummy or a _________ so often that they no longer need to say the words but can offer up a "look" and you know what they're saying (then they may deny it).
Okay. I have to stop. My stomach is literally upset right now after digesting the utter contempt and hatred some people spew on a daily basis.
If you're still living in this nonsense, learn about detachment and how it can benefit you. Maybe in time you'll choose to leave your abuser, and maybe you'll choose to stay. No one here will judge you for staying (I've been there and it can feel hopeless!), but please work on ways to make yourself feel better in the process.
*Both women and men could be abusers or victims, so do not take my pronoun choices as an implication that one gender abuses and the other is victimized.
Jo, K. (2012, April 29). Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2021, September 28 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2012/04/things-verbal-abusers-say-and-do
Author: Kellie Jo Holly
I was searching for a way to get across to my husband how hurtful he can be. When he gets upset there is no talking to him. He just gets more verbally abusive. My day revolves around cooking for him, paying the bills, calling the repairman, let's just say I handle all aspects of our lives. Many times I do it because I hate how my husband comes across to people. And he not only is abusive to me but to others if things don't go the way he thinks they should go. He tells me I look like death, I am fat, I am a bitch, I need a backbone because I let people walk all over me, it goes on. Today I told him that like everyone else, he walks all over me and that did not go over very well. I try hard not to lower myself to his level but after times of not saying anything, I just blurt out things to attack him like he verbally attacks me. If I don't say something after awhile, I begin to cry from hurt and frustration. Then I get more meaness thrown in my direction. I try to rationalize that my husband is always depressed and has bad self esteem so he wants me to feel as bad as he does. He is sure everyone is out to cheat him and everyone uses you. I try to see the good in people and find most times I haven't been wrong. I just get bad headaches when my husband starts his ranting and raving and I hate his continued bad behavior. Many times he works himself into a frenzy when there is no reason but if he gets what he thinks is a look from someone or speaks to someone and he isn't acknowledge then he is on a rampage for hours. His comment to me many times is that at least he doesn't physically hit me.
Hi Jellz. I am a good bit older and had a child with a man that verbally abused me and it just gets worse. My advice to you is to contact your local Women's Aid centre. The number you will find in the yellow pages or the internet. They have a 24 hour helpline. Noone deserves to be spoken to that way and he is wrong for doing that. You have a right to be respected and loved and if he is making you feel bad about yourself he is showing you no respect as a woman and the mother of your daughter. These type of men do not change and it is so important to keep yourself and your daughter safe. Verbal and and sort of emotional abuse can move onto physical abuse. You need to tell someone that you trust what is happening. Can you speak to your mum or a family member? Jellz women's aid are really fantastic and can explain and support you if talking to someone else is not an option. A man that truely loves you will never disrespect you or make you feel bad about yourself. You are doing nothing wrong. Men like this make you feel That it Is your fault they are treating you this way. Phone women's aid they will help you. Be safe. Your emotional wellbeing is just as important as your physical wellbeing. Take care and speak to someone.
I'm 20 my boyfriend is 23 we just had a beautiful baby girl but he also has his ex pregnant. Ever since I had my daughter he verbally abuses me. Daily he finds ways to make me feel bad about myself. When I cry he calls me a cry baby and says he hates crybabies. He also is constantly talking to the other mother of his child. I'm not even sure if hes still sexually active with her. Someone please help me.
Pathetic! Fucking pathetic. You women are the most emotionally abusive of the genders! You play your head games until men are at their bursting point, and then play innocent when they've finally exploded.
RW, I am so sorry your experience with women has been so horrid. Like many victims of abuse, it seems like you might have endured a string of abusive relationships. I'm sorry if I'm wrong about that, but the fact that you reference "you women" causes me to think you believe all women are like the one(s) you've known.
There is evidence that both genders emotionally abuse one another in equal proportions. 50/50. I wish you could talk about your abuse without blaming "all women" for some women's behavior. I understand you are angry. It is not right to lash out like this at people you do not know.
I hope you feel more peaceful soon.
all I can say get out asap. don't turn back. it's going to hurt. you're going to go through heaps of obstacles, but look at the difference...the devil pit of hell or god, peace an freedom. be real be honest with yourself. they don't change. all tactics are just a game. it's not love. it's a big FAT NOTHING. jump the fence, rid the fear, you can do it. I never thought i,d ever get out of my pit. I thought there was no way out. 12 years abused - all forms of abuse. there is light - go deep within u, find it, grab it and fly. I tell you when I told my story to the detectives I was drained tired, but when I went outside the grass was greener, the colors, flowers, the air - I could breathe. i'm on my way to recovery an will endure. believe. trust in god. yes he saved me he to has opened many doors to truths. people are listening, taking some accountability in their part too. we are strong. we will survive. god loves us all. there is hope. god bless you all, kiakaha ...
I am 17 and met my partner about 2 months ago. He was really nice at first and we rushed things so I lived with him alot and got a job where he worked. I found out just before he met me he had a lot of sexual partners. I later found out I was pregnant and things started going horribly wrong. It started he would get angry if I went out without telling him and when I got back he would accuse me of cheating and get angry when I apoligized and one particular night he strangled me. He didnt want me to abort the baby but now he says things like abort the baby because when its born I wont have anything to do with it. And says how doI know its even mine and I will take you to court and get full custody of this kid. Then very recently he introduced me to one of his friends whos a girl and she was really nice. Then one day last week we were out with her and I ordered the wrong takeout food and he called me a cunt and a prick and told me to stop embarrassing him in front of his friends and that things were much easier when he was single. His friend told him not to talk to me like that but then I caught them talking badly of me when he thought I was sleeping. He now sees this girl everyday and shes always sleeping over his on the floor and when I tell him I dont like it he tells me 'im sorry I had a life before I met you'. He gets angry overnothing and checks my phone and once through my phone at a wall. HHe also says in anger 'im gunna hit you in a minute'. He doesnt like my close relationship with my family and stops me seeing them. He messages people on my phone pretending to be me while i sleep making them not like me. I get alot of bruises which he claims are from play fights but they hurt. And when i cry he says crying is for weak people and he doesnt have any sympathy for me.Everyone is telling me to get out while I can but he can be so nice. I am scared and extremely stressed I dont no what to do about my unborn baby and wanted to know is there anything I can do to stop the anger lash outs. His reaction is very apoligetic most of the time and other times he maipulates the situation so it is my fault. I just need very detailed genuine advice quickly.
He is a dangerous man. My advice is to leave him now before the baby is born. The chance that he can 'take the baby' now is much less likely than it will be later. Call his bluff. You can deal with possible custody issues later. Leave him now.
Victims of domestic violence whose abuse cooked them are 7 times more likely to die at the hands of their abuser than those who have not been choked.
Instead of hating on these people, sometimes they are entirely unaware of their behaviour. I sometimes don't realise I am being dominating and if nobody tells me then it isn't until one day I look back and understand my wrong behaviour. I have been taking steps at a time to improve myself but I'm not perfect, nobody is, but at least I try. If somebody had told me I was being dominating and aggressive I would have been mortified. The way I speak to people is how I am used to communicating and I am not physically aggressive though. I just have a high opinion of myself and people don't tend to like that too much. It's redundant though, I would still have appreciated someone sitting down with me and explaining that my behaviour is frightening/demeaning or any other negative after affect and then maybe we can work on moving forwards. Fair play if you get physically assaulted just walk away, it's wrong. If you are just feeling stepped on and down try speaking. People are too quick to condemn each other these days, certain things I understand are different, but I also notice a lot of things which could be altered by communicating.
JM, you are the type of person I talk about when I say "some abusers do change". Your mortification at behaving poorly is quite enough to send you on a mission to be a better person.
Not so with most perpetrators of abuse and violence. If it were true of the repeat offenders, then we wouldn't have repeat offenders.
Also, communication with abusers only goes so far. They will pretend to work with their victim long enough to get the victim calmed down and willing to give them another chance. After believing you love someone for a while, it is not so easy to walk away because the victim's emotions work against them.
Keep your high opinion of yourself! In a world of people-gone-condemnation-crazy, you may be the only one who has it.
@Rjp , I read your comment and I was shocked , because at first I thought for sure this woman is being so neglected and mistreated. But to find out you're a man suffering this really did surprise me. It's not acceptable what is happening to you and it is quite normal to want to lash out to this kind of ill treatment, I know I've done it when I was in an abusive marriage..I have learned from experience that our children pick-up on everything we say, even if we have all rights in our own mind to defend ourselves , they see it as a frightening experience ,and it causes them to act out in the same manner..I had to pray a lot and seek God for help with my mouth , because it wasn't making things better. I sought him about all this and he helped me to stop, because it wasn't making things better anyway.. And I suffered a lot of verbal abuse and physical, even the children went through the same thing..After years of praying I finally found peace with taking the kids and leaving...I have seen a huge change in all of my children, they are slowly being healed from all the garbage they had been subjected to. Now your situation is sounds somewhat different, because you two don't have the physical abuse present, so I hope you can try to talk to your wife and let her know how serious this behavior is affected you and the children ..and above all things pray for the Lord's guidance , believe me , he will answer you !! GOD BLESS YOU
Here is how my day went: I got up at 7 to take care of 5 kids who stayed the night. I fed them breakfast. I fed them lunch. During that time I cleaned house because my spouse stayed in bed till 11 and needed the house clean for friends who were coming over that afternoon. My partner got out of bed got ready and went to the store to to buy food for the party. During the party I took care of the kids. (They are 12 and 8 so that is a pleasure.) after the party it was off to town with more friends. Then finally later I was bad because that night I played a game with kids when "I came home to be with you". That evening I cleaned up after party. Spouse kicked me out of bed and mocked me in front of kids. Oh. And I was also griped out cause the yard was not mowed and edged. Here's my question. I am the husband. My wife stays at home. She has a housecleaner. How can I not be verbally abusive? I'm serious. This is not a joke. So many things on the verbally abusive list above I want so say and I do say many catty remarks. I really want to know what to do.
I've been married for 15 years we have 2 kids together. 90% of the time everything is great, but the other 10 is a war. Sometimes I think we're playing, then he goes completely nuts, throws whatever is beside him at me. We made the decision for me to quit work and be a stay at home mom, but when we argue he says it's my money, your lazy, you wouldn't have anything if it wasn't for me and you live in my house. Then later he says I'm sorry, I didn't mean any of that, everything is yours too. The bad thing is I never know what's gonna set him off, today it was me not handing him a cheese cracker fast enough, he threw a glass of milk at me, I was soaked and he stood over me calling me names and waving his hands around like he was gonna hit me. He thinks it's funny when I flinch as he moves his hands around, but when we're getting along he says it's embarrassing get that I flinch if he goes to touch me. I'm at a loss, I need help, I'm losing my mind and my kids are noticing that I'm unhappy. I don't know what to do. I'm scared to stay, I'm scared to go, I need help please.
my boyfriend hacked my facebook and email... he keeps track of every website i click and feel suspicious of every single person i speak to.
he cannot accept my past relationships and calls me a bitch time to time.
I never went to clubs and dance with strange men. but he said i did.
I never had random sex. He believes I did.
He even accuse me for having sex with him which he thinks a good girl shouldn't have done.
He has bunch of imaginary complaints, things that never happened.
If i have friends, he thinks im doing orgy.
I am a simple girl. I study a lot and work. His strange behaviour is causing me lose concentration at work and i feel low and depressed. I feel terribly insulted.
Ladie. .... Get up right NOW! Look in the mirror close to the mirror into YOUR own eyes. Now say, im beautiful and don't need this BS. Now. .... put on the cutest outfit you have and makeup with jewelry and start packing. Get your cell phone in your bacl pocket and YOUR KID'S, and GET OUTA THERE.
I was recently in an abusive relationship with someone who had just left an abusive relationship. I knew this at the time, but I didn’t know the person I was getting involved with was abusive as well until the real them started to show through months later. I am aware that her family life had been abusive as a child and that she was used to the abuse. Probably so used to it that she felt uncomfortable without it. This was a burden upon our relationship as I was hoping I could be the one to show her a new light in positivity from the way that I keep myself positive and happy with myself. Eventually, I had to move on because I could see that she wasn’t willing to let go of the past abuse but kind of “ticked”, if you will, on giving others the abuse she had been given. It really hurt me for quite awhile that I had to leave her as well as the abuse that she had shown towards me. I didn’t fight back at her or seek revenge but stayed positive because I knew that was the only way further I could show her love. I am hoping that she can seek a way out of this suppressed anger on her own and find a way to make her self happy on her own. I had been in a position like hers a long time ago when I was younger and couldn’t recognize my pain, problems, and how to deal with situations or people and make the best out of them. I have found that you really can’t be happy with others if you aren’t happy with yourself. You have to learn to love yourself before you can truly love someone else. This makes it very hard to love someone who doesn’t love themselves. Sometimes it is seemingly impossible.
I ended up writing this song to relieve the pain I had gone through. I know there is someone else out there that will accept my love purely. Sometimes you have to walk away even though you love that person with the fullness of your heart and soul. But, you also have to care for yourself. Don’t mistake unconditional love as pain. You shouldn’t have to live in agony to be loved.
Writing this song helped me get through the pain I had experienced and helped me grow positive from the situation. Maybe it will help you come to terms with your own experiences, provide enlightenment, and give you good feelings!
Prove your love and others will eventually love you more purely.. don’t give in to someone saying they love you and not showing it. There is someone out there that will.
I been with the same man since 1998. I don't cheat. I think he does do all abusers cheat?? My dad used to be abusive he is alot nicer now except he still tells my mom she is fat everyday. Which i will be honest and say she is over weight due to health problems. The guy i am with is my first love i used to see him as my hero. I never thought he could become physically abusive. But he did. I miss who i thought he was who i hope he can be and i pray he gets better. However i fear he is Evil i cant sleep at night because i fear he will kill me in my sleep since he always says he knows one day he will wake up to my cold dead body. Cause i used to take alotalot of sleeping pills i havent sleept on my own without any sleeping pills since the abuse got bad in 2007 that year i found a side of him i never knew. He has choked me he has put a blanket up under my nose when he thought i was asleep and then yes told me he was checking to see if i was breathing and said i always think he gonna wake up to my cold dead body. So im scared and i also have a slipped disk in my spine caused by all the times he kicked me in my back after i collapsed on the floor. Im pretty sure he wants to kill me. And i wont leave cause i dont understand he was my hero for so many years mybe he has a untreated mental disorder. How do i get help? As i think back i cant remember any bad memories from 1998 to 2007 he was my hero i trusted him he was my best friend. I dont understand. But yes he hates me.
My husband says horrible sexual things to me while we are in bed. Wants to know if I am F***ing someone else etc. I have told I don't like it but he still continues. I feel like I have been raped.
I can't help you women who are being abused. You must help yourselves. Go to a shelter, talk to someone who is close to you and can help you help yourselves. It's these men who have the problem, not you. Don't let them beat you down until you believe them. What they say is not true. You have to love yourself, know yourself and not allow anyone to hurt you in any fashion before you can find a healthy love. Get away from these men because no matter what, it won't change. These men are sick, you can't help them, you can't love them out of it, you can't fix them. You can only help yourself. What would you tell your daughter if she was telling you that what is happening to her, is what is happening to you? You'd tell her to leave. So please leave, it may be hard at first but day by day it will get better. You will look back and realize they don't deserve you. They know that, that is why they try to cut you to their level. GET AWAY, GET OUT, BE SAFE: GET A SUPPORT SYSTEM.
I met my husband when I was 18, he was 28. I was a exotic dancer at the time we met. He was a "Regular" with all the girls. I was only doing this job because I was physically & verbally abused as a child & teenager by my stepfather & my mother was a pill head, always doped up, never really there. The day I left home, I was just 16 years old, my stepfather gave me 45 minutes to gather up whatever I wanted & leave to never return if I did leave. So I did, & I've never seen him again to this day, I'm now 34 years old. But now, I'm being verbally & physically abused by my husband of 15 years. He's cold, selfish, scary..His mood changes like a light switch, I never know when he's going to go off. He has to have some type of neurological disorder or mental issues, nobody behaves like him. He is Arabic decent but born here in the usa, Michigan. He doesn't even really speak Arabic much at all. He constantly calls his mom a Bit*h..tells her to shut the F*** up! He treats his dad the same & his sister too. He's completely cruel & heart crushingly evil with his behavior & words.
As far as myself, he knows I have no family, no one to help me leave him. He feels he's "got" me! I'm completely trapped..I have no job,& not because I didn't want one but because he never allowed me to work. I worked for him. So I have no family, no money, no job...I have no friends, he always hated any friends I had to the point they didn't want to be a part of my life because they felt he was toxic! Whenever I say anything to him, he spins it around into an argument. Today I was in the kitchen making coffee, we're moving in 5 days, I randomly said I'm excited to put our things away & make the new house our home". He spun it & said,"why, u never do anything, u never clean, u just sit around watching ur Fu*k shows".That's what he calls Real housewives of orange county or any other show I like, no matter what it is, he calls it that. Sick! He does that every time I ever say anything & we always end up arguing & me crying sitting on the floor up against the locked bathroom door. I have attempted suicide many times many different ways throughout the 15 years, & I have a few scars to remind me of the extreme pain & loneliness I felt, & do still feel. So basically I'm alone, no children, he never wanted any,all day & night. When he is home, he sleeps on the couch, never with me, not in 7,8 years. If I go shopping, he's calling me bitching about how long I'm taking, even though he's not even at home. He loves to go to strip clubs to this day. He gets hotel rooms & takes these girls there to fu*k them. He's disgusting! We haven't slept together in years! I want out so bad, but I don't want to become homeless & on drugs like my mom did. It's a cycle & I'm caught dead center! I just don't know what to do.
Lost & Lonely
My husband insults, berates, screams, and criticizes...and when I call him out on it he admits that he does but that its OK because he also compliments me too. So he will say "you are a fantastic mother, the best one any little girl could have...BUT you let her walk all over you, let her get away with murder, have no authority, she has no respect for you and only wants to be with you all the time instead of me her father because she knows she can do what she wants and you will let her."
is this typical verbal abuser behavior? hiding the abuse within a "compliment" to justify what they are saying?
I have been married 22 years with no kids. My husband used to be an alcoholic until 5 years ago when he was drunk and injuried in bad car accident. He didn't work for 4 years from I juries that he sustained. I was the person supporting us for the 4 years. Now that he is working he verbally abused me,he says he don't love me, calling me names,fat,ugly says I can't unless its from a can or burnt. We haven't cleep together in the same bed for 5 years. Down grades in front of friends and his family. I don't know what to do. I am so unhappy
My boyfriend is the devil! Thats what i say... because he is soo rude to me and my daughter.
he calls me every name he can calls me fat and lazy ugly any names in the book, he trys to get to me, he wants to hurt me to see me cry and i act like nothing infront of him ignoring him, but he gets mad he insults me untill i start talking shitt to him too,but i dont like saying stuff like cusing or bad stuff i say it cause he does get to me, and thats when he brings my daughter also in thz, saying shes a bitch and saying she is stupid and other names my daughter is 9 she has nothing to do with thz and he brings her up to hurt me more, i tryed to leave him so many times and he comes back saying sorry, that he wont do that again that he was mad and that he didnt mean it, then i feel bad for him then and i forgive him.. i need help dinut know what to do, i wana leave him but its imposible i dont know where to go what to do and how cause he says if i leave him he will find me and take my kids away.. cause i have 2 by him a 1 year old girl and a 1 month old baby and i do everything for them he doesnt help at all..
I have been in a verbal abusive marriage for 18 years he is my husband and the only man I have ever dated. He battles with drug addiction which make things even. I have tried & tried to be loving and supporting. When we argue he tells me that he doesn't want me, I'm the worse woman he ever been with, he can't stand to be around me... it's now getting to the point were he pushes me down. I have a few scars to prove it. I love him but I don't know what else to do but leave.
My husband brought up infidelity over 20 years ago and still brings it up to this day. Daily fights that I am a pot bellied big (not true), I am a whore. I was 32 when I married him. he was 36. Federal parole and sent back 2 times for 6 months. Not perfect but still living in 20 years for what I did. He calls me slut, whore, every name he can think of. Has not worked inover 10 years I take care of everything. Why do I continue to put up with this Shit??
Also, for what I did he has told me he has cheated on me 3-4 times in the last 10 years. I don't care,so over this.
I have been married for 15years to an abusive man. His painful words hurt me as someone is stabbing a knife in my heart. I have had to have several surgeries which I go through by myself. He once left me in an airport prior to surgery, yesterday he announced he was going out of town knowing I have major surgery tomorrow. I can't continue to go through the painful emotions anymore. This is just a couple incidents, there are so many more of him cussing me, belittling me, it makes me sick to my stomach thinking of things he's done to me.. I really need the strenth to leave but for years hearing the verbal abuse has caused so much damage I dont know how..
I really don't want to grow old on my own
Hi everyone, I'm in a Same situation, I have been with my girlfriend for ten years, she used to meet me everyday but then she started saying she fainted at first I beloved her then it became everyday, she says the doctor comes to her house and puts her on drops but I get annoyed we don't depend time together plus the verbal abuse I get is stuff like paki and I'm a fat cunt and a basteard, I can go on, sorry for the swearing, my family knows about her but her family does not, I am expected to swear and deny everything but yet if I ask her then it'd the end of the world, I cry and put myself to sleep, I beg her to stop abusing me, I don't know why I love her so much, she makes me go crazy so much that she does not listen so I start cutting myself up, even that she says for me to kill myself, she just let's me, then if I swear back I get ten times more abuse, I never used to be like this I used to be so happy and jok active but now I am quit, also I have learnt I am suffering from ibs now but she is ok one day then she will just become this evil woman all of a sudden, what do I do I just want yo run away and die, but then I'm worried about her, if she will be ok without me which she probably will but I know she does silly things without thinking and I don't want her to do something she might regret, help me pls, I don't know what to do and how to do it, how can you love someone who treats you like this I'm do confused, I'm 34 and need to get my life fixed pls someone help pls.
I to have been with a guy for a year now. In the beginning I guess I felt so needed because he was just a mess I was going to fix his pain. I was going to prove to him someone could love him unconditionally. It wasnt very long he got angry at me for giving him compliments, told me to shut the **** up. I was tough I just said its ok I know your messed up with passed relationships ect.. I made excuses for him about his own behaviors, foolishly unknowly gave him permission to talk down to me. It got worse and worse and even worse screaming yelling neighbors calling cops putting him in jail. I ofcourse would bail him out because I was going to be wonderwoman o he would love and appreciate me,NOT! It got so bad I'd have to make him leave my home because I couldnt handle the verbal abuse screaming and following me around the house escalating . I then new it was just to much I had to call it quits,he got a onife out threatning to cut himself he had been a cutter in the past as scars were proof of that, He went to put the knife into himself I lunged forward to stop him, I got sliced on top of my hand wide open 12 stitchs inside 6 outside and a huge scar,It was funny how much he cared o baby im sorry please dont tell on me please after i got home from the hosp told them cut it on glass, we get home he says dont bitch about the pain man up he says its my fault what kind of dumb ass puts her hand infront of a pshyco with a knife next time i wont try to stop him, i told the truth he did it when friends would ask he would say no i did not calling me a liar he tried to convince me it wasnt him,?! He always denied saying things would threatn me where no one see him then say i was just sitting here i didnt do anything what are you talking about ,would pinch or do something to physically hurt me when i would push him away he would yell Dont hit me Steph thats Domestic Violence im calling the cops on you, I wouldnt have to do anything and he would make people think i hit him saying he would make a mark on himself so i went to jail ,in CO,a girl will go to jail for DV if there is a mark on the guy,No ?s asked.I'd call him within a few days let him back in. He had no job, drank, ate, smoked on my dime of course. It repeated itself over and over and over. He would talk very bad about me to anyone who would feelsorry for him, tell all our/my private biz to neighbors not to mention anything iI told him about my life, especially anything painful he would throw at me while fighting,this is why your mom hates you,this is why your ex kiddnapped your baby, ect.. Well to my shame one day I couldnt take it anymore begging, crying, nothing would make him stop, I just started beating the shit out of him, still the words of hurt and insult spit out of mouth ,ofcourse my hitting him was made to be a joke ,something for him to use against me as a weapon. I had now lowered myself to verbally abuseing him back although every word he calls abuse was the truth about him,I'd call him evil,mean,vendictive,jobless drunk,abuser, and worse I hit another person I allowed someone to affect my integrity and I lost all sence of control . I allowed myself to be affected, I became an abuser to, it calmed down for a few months it has started again I lost my home I am forced to stay with him its worse then ever verbally he is thrashing me he got a good job now he is on top he tries multiple mornings at 5 in the morning threatning to throw me out, he says he is now treating me the way I did him. He is now slapping me in the back of the head slapping me in the face. If I cried he will say cry baby shut up go in the other room and cry. I'm a fat bitch, used up c word. Daily . I honestly maybe did things wrong in the beginging I did not know how to handle his mental issues but I really didnt mean to hurt him on purpose. Or maybe sometimes I did idk, but I should have ran aloing time ago because in all the fixing I tried to do for him has broke me down so harshly I no longer feel human,now besides hitting ,verbally assulting me, lower my self worth , making love to me did I mention that has always been a issue, he does not ever want me to touch him moves away will have sex with me once in a great while, but you know this lack of sex drive never happened before its me. Wish me luck girls, somehow I'll figure this out! But please if you can just leave it will make you sad ,but its better then feeluing empty worthless, inhuman, sad,alone, and completely stupid cause I knew better! I know better!
The only way out is to leave.
There is no other way.
I'm separated from my husband. Upon exchanging babies for visitation he calls me names, accuses me of being late (which is not true), hovers over me, sends me texts to get me to not follow our court order for custody/ visitation along with guilt trips as I say no. There is always a punishment even still that we are separated. He successfully turned his family against me when he abandoned us. He accuses me of taking the kids from him when, in fact, he left us and moved to another state! It's terrible and I pray for his salvation through Jesus Christ. He calls me sick, the devil, wicked, vile, ugly, beautiful, dream girl, too emotional, lazy, fat, etc. I am an active mom of 2 toddlers who works, stays at home and competes in running. I finally heard the Gospel last year-that God so love the world that He sent His only Son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life. John 3:16. God's Son is Jesus and He paid for us sinners on the cross. He was resurrected and will return again. Jesus is our hope and heaven with God (who cannot lie or sin) is our home. God wants our heart, our faith. My husband claims to be a Christian but NEVER once told me the Good news that I might believe and be saved! I got saved right after he left when a girlfriend he didn't know of invited me to a bible church. Now I know my standing with God is good bc of what God did for us thru Jesus. Now I have to keep detaching myself from this man more and more as he grips for any bit of control. He's so good to other people. So charming, so kind even. God sees what these men are doing and if they don't turn from this and humble themselves to the cross they will pay eternal consequences. I pray these men would be exposed and all of us women would be protected by the mighty hand of the Creator. The One who made you, me and the earth we stand on.
Please, I beg you, leave him now.
I've been in a verbal and at times physically abusive relationship for 11yrs now. I'm only 27 but I feel a million years old. I've been called every name in the book, punched, kicked, dragged , spit on, hair pulled...etc. over the last 5 years it's turned into 99% verbal abuse. I really feel that I have no where to turn. I come from a broken home and really have no support system to fall back on. I'm also currently unemployed. So I'm sure you ladies can use your imagination on how great home life must be now that I have no income. I've set up a plan for myself to be out of here by October , of course that's all dependent on me finding employment. Please I ask anyone who reads this pray for my sanity and strength. Also if your begining to see the warning signs don't be blind! Even if he says he loves you and he'll change it won't happen. Be strong ladies!
I never knew there were so many women who go through all these things. My heart goes out to all of you. Be strong for yourself and love yourself - that is what I am learning. Lots of hugs and blessings.
i have been w a guy for 3 yrs. we got engaged last yr had a baby and
everything was great. well now that we have had a baby he changed.
he is the worst person ive ever met. he calls me dumb a** stupid bit** he tells me im a bad mom and that he doednt give a sh** about me calls my kids and I
mother f-ers. it is so hard to leave bc i moved to b w him and i dont have any1
here. is this considered verbal abuse?
I have heard all this before. ? Why do I stay I dont know
I've been with my fiancé for a little over 3 years now, we just got engaged recently. We've known each other for about 10 years. I am 23, and he is 10 months older than me. In these years, we've basically been attached at the hip, for the most part.
I can't pinpoint when the abuse began... But I'm pretty sure it doesn't even matter. A couple months into our relationship, I noticed him getting rough with a pet of ours, and had to give it up for adoption. In the future, he would shut my cats in the basement and resulted in one of them dying. This was a couple of years ago and he won't completely admit he was wrong, but I feel like he realizes it since he's grown a little compassionate toward animals.
I'm not sure if that's relevant but it was maybe necessary for characterization here.
Anyway, verbal and emotional abuse. He is very jealous and sees every male as a threat. I'm a bartender and he gets extremely jealous when I talk to people, especially if I don't make it clear in the first minute that we're engaged or something. I'm very modest, and I usually engage in conversations about my customers rather than myself. I have a ring on my hand for all to see and if we somehow talk about me I will tell them. Every night if I'm not out of work by the time he wants me to be (we close pretty early for a bar, too.. this could start around 8pm with the texts) he will begin to accuse me of shmoozing at the bar with guys or "having someones dick in my mouth" or whatever his montra of the night happens to be. Sometimes before I'm even out of bed in the morning he will start with the abuse. He didn't like a person I accepted a friend request on Facebook from and started saying I should just continue being a hoe scumbag sketchy slut and go fuck him again. He's also always liking other girls pictures of their "selfies" or fake tit jobs and it makes me ill to think he's into these girls. If I were to do this, I can't even imagine.
Oh have I mentioned I've caught him cheating... twice?
Yeah, the first time was with my friend that was supposed to go to a concert with me one night but said she was just going to go to my house with a group of people and hangout there for the night. Her and my boyfriend ditched me and I went with my best, oldest friend. He spent the night accusing me of cheating when I found out months later that he spent his night making out with my friend.
Last year, he got extreme with the abuse and ended up sleeping with a 18? year old? Maybe? I'm not usually nosey but I knew there was something going on and I had to look at his phone. First thing I see to this young lady is "Whatsup sexy."
I called this girl, she admitted to sleeping with him a few weeks ago and staying overnight in my bed. I had stayed at my mother's house that night because he was being so abusive.
So pretty much, he is the one who is guilty and is doing everything he possibly can to keep me down and make me lose all my self esteem because he knows he screwed up... I think? Maybe he doesn't want me to go out and do what he did? It wouldn't even matter because he always says I'm out slutting around.
I am a very forgiving person, but I'm beginning to really hate that quality. It's weird that I mostly trust him, even though he's betrayed me so many times. He's brought me to the point of involuntarily starving myself. I couldn't eat for weeks after the second cheating incident. I'm about 5'2" and weighed about 118 and dropped to around 102. Quickly. He felt no sympathy and just became more abusive. Eventually we got back together and he promised things would never get like that again. He semi admitted to what he did but I know the truth so it doesn't matter. I just wish he would own up to what I know as a fact.
I could go on and on and on. I love him so much. Obviously we have our good times, but an overwhelming amount of my life is spent dealing with his insecurities. He got in trouble for harassing me in public and now has to take domestic abuse classes and I feel like they are teaching him to be a master manipulator. I don't even know what to do. I would like nothing more than for someone to put him in his place and make him have some sort of epiphany. I doubt that will happen but I guess some support or advice would be helpful...
By the way, we moved across the country together and I'm pretty stuck. I guess I could leave but I don't think he would ever let that happen for real. And I don't want to.
Men just suck...verbal abuse is tbe worse my bf always mentions other girls when we fight and when I kick him out he says thats ehy I cheat im single when u kick me out.
I have been both physically and verbally abused by my bf. He got so mad one night, he pushed me thru the wall and he kept doing it until he calmed down. He punched me one time so hard that I couldn't hear in my right ear and had a huge black eye. He constantly calls me a whore and a bitch and threatens to leave me everyday and makes fun of me saying without me you'd be homeless just like you were when you met me. He has called me fat, flirts with other women but yet is extremely jealous of me even saying hey to another guy. I'm always in constant fear but hes right I would be homeless without him. I really fucking hate him. I don't even care about him anymore. I just wish he would die.
I am divorcing my emotionally, verbally & physically abusive husband. I could not make sense of anything the past 10 years. I only discovered the truth back in September 2013 when he & his girlfriend ( a woman from his past) decided to play out their lengthy affair over Facebook on my 50th birthday. A friend messaged me & told me to be very careful that she believed I was being gaslit. I had no idea what that was so I researched it and BINGO! All of a sudden the last 10 years started making sense. ( I knew what was happening but I didn't know what he was doing was a thing with an actual name. I always called it poking me or picking on me). That one comment led me to information on NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER and NARCISSISTIC VICTIM SYNDROME. My narcissist also has a side of sociopath and some psychopath traits as well. After intensive counseling & a lot of reading & research, I now understand what has happened & how it has happened. The question why will likely never be answered. I was very naive & had no idea there were people this evil in the world.
I have seen many familiar comments & stories here. I strongly encourage many of you to research NPD & NVS. Years of ambient psychological,emotional & verbal abuse can do untold damage to your psyche & self esteem. It can cause you to question your own sanity & reality and it is by design. It can also cause PTSD. ( which I do have)
If you are divorcing one of these sick characters, I also strongly encourage you to go do your homework and to protect yourselves. Please be aware that in more cases than not, they are & have been covertly spying on you by hijacking your electronics, installing spying, monitoring,tracking & key logging hardware, software & apps on your computers & cellphones. They also commonly place hidden cameras in your home & record your in person & phone conversations. My narcissist did all of the above and then some, (even though I never cheated or gave him any reason to do so, he was projecting & mirroring his own bad behavior onto me). He also had remote access for camera & mic turned on my laptop with all settings & notifications off so that he could watch & listen to me cry & have a nervous breakdown as he played his sick game out over Facebook.
These sickos will lie, spin, mirror, project, manipulate and gas light to try to get reaction or emotion out of you because they are emotional vampires. Then they mix in a few compliments or make you think you are over reacting or too emotional & are misreading or misinterpreting their words or actions. You literally question your own mind, thinking, sanity, reality all while they laugh their ass off & plan the next step of their game. And make no mistake about it. It is a game to them and they want to win at any cost. The best way to deal with these creepers is to go NO CONTACT. Absolutely positively NONE. When you cut off their fuel supply, things often times escalate, so be prepared. Do. Your. Homework. Have a plan. Stay ahead of the game. Mine became so intense, I literally had to hire an expert consultant to help me get out. She was a godsend & is likely the only reason I am here taking about it. Her name for anyone interested or in need is Diana Iannarone. Her website is www.standingup.us. Please watch her videos. They are very helpful and hopeful.
Read, research & protect yourselves!
Abusers follow a pattern. They are nice at first. Then they become verbally abusive, then controlling then it gets physical. They try to control what you do, who you are with, and sometimes even your finances. They do this to put you in a position where you can not do anything for yourself.
My child's father has shown signs of narcissistic personality disorder and he is verbally abusive. I have seen him act a little paranoid at times too about stuff.
We had a disagreement recently, his eyes were full of anger in a way I had never seen and he grabbed me forcibly. And he told me not to raise my voice at him. I was so scared, I thought he was going to hit me. It was this day I realized, he could get worst. He has no respect for women and he is abusive.
Before I found out I was pregnant I was thinking of leaving him. I stayed after I got pregnant. He got worst after I got pregnant. He started trying to control me, my family and my finances. I have not talked to him since the argument in which he grabbed me.
He even called me a stupid b.... I have never been called that by any man. I have never been grabbed roughly either by any man I have dated. This had proved to been the worst relationship I ever had.
For all the women out there who are saying "but I still love him" understand that you don't need to hate him to leave him. It's easy to feel compassion for another human being that we can see is hurting inside. It's even easier to always love and care about the father of your children but who is loving and caring for you and your happiness? I myself am stuck at the moment but I will share' look and demand more information until I find a solution that works for both me and my son. I feel sad for my partner and I really don't want to cause him the pain of losing his family but he doesn't know how to love us the way we deserve to be loved. Hope that for him our leaving makes him realize he needs help. But at the end of the day we can only be responsible for our own happiness.
How incredibly sad. I am also in a verbally abusive relationship. My partner drinks too much and has anger issues which he is not willing to do anything about. I can't fix him and I can't sacrifice myself or our son because he is hurting. I didn't cause his pain but he is causing mine. He hasn't broken me but I can't keep wearing a suit of armor to protect myself everyday. I'm so tired of it. I would leave right now if I could ensure that my son would not take my place as his dads verbal punching bag during his court mandated visits to his father. Were is the protection for my son? Verbal abuse doesn't leave scars or bruises on the outside so how do I prove it to the courts? I want out of this dysfunctional relationship but I won't save me and sacrifice my 4 year old son. I understand that he is being affected negatively if we stay but at least I am here to protect him. I can't believe that there is no real help out there. My self esteem and self worth are intact what I need is a solution for my son.
I was married for 42 years to a man who had a short Fuse and I kept lighting
it!He was 17 years older than me, he had hit me so much that if he moved
his hand I jumped. He said all the things that Abusers say to their"loved ones"
Such as"You know how I am, why do you make me hit you?" I had a bump on
my nose I am sure was the result of him breaking my nose, I told him one day
I was going to have Plastic Surgery on it and there is a chance it might look
worse. He said" You couldn't look any worse!" He did all this when we were
alone, why didn't I take my two sons and leave? Because I thought if I kept
quiet we could still have Birthdays and Christmas for the family and I was
worried the families would blame me for making trouble by telling what he
did. I didn't have any money or anywhere to go, there were times when he
was nice and loving so maybe if I kept quiet he would not get angry but he
still did. In the end he had Alzheimer's and Diabetes and Heart Disease.
I was his sole Caregiver his three grown children ignored him except to try to
get all they could get his belongings. About a Month before he died he said to me "You are the best Wife a man could have". He said"I don't know why I
treated you the way I did, you didn't deserve it." Then he went back to his
Alzheimer's world and didn't mention it again. But those words meant so much to me. When he died I suddenly realized that I loved him! I had buried
my feelings for years so I would not get hurt when he said mean things. So
at the Funeral Service I went to his Coffin and said" I thank you for the good
times and forgive you for the bad". I grieved for him and for the wasted time
that was spent in anger. I just hope he Rests in Peace and knows that I love him.
After reading through the experiences here, I'm leaving my verbally abusive husband. I'm sick of feeling worthless. I'd rather be alone than spend one more day like this. It started off wonderful and went south in a hurry. Of course, I'm told it's all my fault. I've wasted five years that I'll never get back with this horrific treatment. I hope you all find peace and love. You are better than how the abusers want you to see yourself.
I think he was right - maybe I should have listened
ive been with a guy for 5 years we met online in a religious chat room.. we didnt go out for maybe 6 months when we first met i seen his aggressive side i over looked it. also another thing which i noticed for a man that each of his nail clippers or grooming items were perfectly set straight like in the movie sleeping with the enemy..something told me this is not right.. and usually when your gut feeling is telling you this it usually isnt right.. i wont type alot here but to summarize this who situation with me up ,ive been called whores bitches slut name it and im not even one of those thing, he has taken money from me because he cant keep a job .. i dont blame no one for this but my self , one thing i got out of dating him is that he convinced me to loose weight.and i feel good about my self for that.. but the worst things ive gained is i am always angry with everyone and its only because of what he put me through.. i hate the day i met him and i hate the days ive known n stayed through this crap!
This may be a little diffrent then what you are all use too. But i am a guy who gets physically emotionally and verbally abused on a regular basis. She says some terrible hateful words too me and my daughter. Shes visious she accuses me of cheating and punches and hits me then when she realizes she made a mistake she trys too kiss up too me. I recently found out she cheated has no remorse and says its cause i was mean to her because i finally started yelling back when she yells at me for no reason i work full time watch the kids 5 to 6 days a week that arent even mine. i cook clean and do the dishes and buy her all kinds of stuff she has no respect for me at all. and she gets drunk and hits me will scream at me till 6 am about anything shes mad about that day. she doesnt think she has a problem i get woken up daily with her screaming at the kids or me over something. Then when i try to leave she tells me she will always get her way threatens too run into the wall or hit her self and call the police and tell them i did it. I love the kids pratically raised them how do i make her realize she has a problem and needs help. Oh and this is the best part she goes out to bars and the place she works and gives guys her number when they ask because she says shes so hott that shes scared they will hurt her if she doesnt and she texts them back and talks to them and gets mad at me that i get mad about that. she says no other girl does that cause they arent as hott as her.
please give me advivce about what to do.
Well, I'm a father of 3....married n been with my wife since 1994. Much of this abuse is both verbal and physical. Although the hitting of the arm is nothing it's still something. But I guess I learned to en ore it.the verbal I laugh off in my head cuz I know she has issues she needs to address. But with God's help we have overcome much of pains of this abuse. She says I'm sarcastic but I believe I only do it cuz I'm fighting off the anger. In most times I just take what she says and leave it behind me and eventually she is fine again. Her problem is (I believe) is having no control. But as far as that goes, my marriage could b better if she knew how to Co tool her anger. I love her dearly and would never want to hurt her....I just have to keep praying for her...but that may not be enough and still I continue to pray. God bless u all who read...but u I believe God can change hearts and attitudes. God bless all of u
I have a question. I met a wonderful woman...beautiful, smart, caring...I could spend hours listing all of the things I see in her but she's married to a verbal abuser. I should stop right there and move on but I can't seem to. I've known her for a long time and can say without a shred of doubt that I love everything about her. My question is what keeps a person in an abusive relationship? I don't understand. Hanger, I see you as a strong person. It sounds like you've been on the abused end but here you are tteaching others how to recognize the early warnings and for that I love you (sorry, not like I love the girl I'm here asking questions about but you obviously should love yourself because you are worthy). I'm not asking "how do I get this girl for myself" but I'm asking why do some girls (or guys) stay with this? The girl I love says she loves me too but she can't seem to take the step of leaving her abuser. She'll vent to me regularly about the horrible things he calls her or says to her but she won't put an end to it.
I had ma first child before meeting my husband and i told him and said nothing but he will still marry me,my girl was with my grandma before i got married ,i thought with him marry he was going to accept her but NO,NOW THE SMALLEST THING he get angry beat me up and ruin insult on me like[prostitute, u have a small brain ,u and ur families are poor,they behave like pigs and after eaten dey clean their mouth on ground etc] he has stopped me from seeing ma family and friends who have helped me alot in sooo many way, even some he has to call them on phone to warn them from calling me and called my people witches and dont allow them to visit or spent days with me
Am unhappy woman and am just 23years of age going through all this pains and sorrow above all i have giving birth to a girl again who is 1year 6month always threaten me that if i leave the marriage he was not going to give me the baby and even the first child who is with my grandma i have not finish taking care of her ,infact am in a mess right now i need a serious advice .
for me i want to leave the marriage but dont know where to start from ,any help i will be greatful ,as for the beaten is uncountable and i live in fear that he may oneday kill me . thanks
p.s. you all are not alone and sara,im right there w you...im still in love with him and trying to hold oto the gimpses of good that r there,but they r far and fee between:(