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Leaving An Abusive Relationship: Why Can’t I Just Leave?

January 22, 2014 Kellie Jo Holly

Leaving an abusive relationship usually can't be done the moment you figure out your partner abuses you. Leaving abuse takes planning and time, if you have it.

So many people beat themselves up over the question "Why can't I just leave?" You want the easy answer? You aren't ready to leave yet.

You

  • haven't been convinced that the abuse warrants you leaving, or
  • you lack financial resources, or
  • you're in business with your abuser, or
  • the kids are too small, or
  • the kids are almost out of school, or
  • the abuser needs you, or
  • fill in your reason here.

Notice I said fill in your reason here. These are not excuses. The reasons you stay may sound like excuses to someone else, but don't let anyone belittle your decision to stay. I really want to end that sentence with "to stay for now" but truth is that you may never leave. You could be 70 years old and wondering how your spouse is managing to exceed life expectancy, them being so miserable and nasty and all (lots of people are doing this right now).

I want you to be okay with choosing to stay, because making decisions is empowering. Staying is a choice you can make.

Leaving An Abusive Relationship Is Important

Irresponsible Advice

It would be very irresponsible of me if I don't say a few things at this point.

  • I want you to end your abusive relationship. Life is too short and precious to spend it with a person who hurts you.
  • If your abuser physically assaults you, I hope you leave right now. Verbal abuse escalates to physical assault and assault escalates to death. Additionally, you may not be the only one to die -your abuser could murder you and then your children and anyone else on the scene.

Point is that choosing to stay with an abuser will have very serious emotional and/or physical consequences. It is only a matter of time.

Leaving An Abusive Relationship Is Not Your Only Option

Honoring a person's choice to stay in an abusive relationship is a relatively new concept to domestic violence social workers and other domestic abuse helpers. You might find helpers who support you no matter what you decide to do. On the other hand, you might find helpers who decide there's nothing they can do for you if you do not leave the abuser. That hurts, I know, but just because they're the experts doesn't mean they always know the right thing to do.

Additionally, many of your closest friends and family members may distance themselves from you if you choose to stay. Often we tell ourselves that they're tired of listening to us complain when we won't do anything to change it. Remember though, the ones who love you need to keep themselves sane, too. If they're in the battle with you, they may not be strong enough to pull you out if you change your mind and leave the relationship.

Don't take it personally if people don't support your decision to stay, and please don't beat yourself up because you feel you can't leave. Let's just roll with this for a while and see what we can do for our mental well-being when we choose to stay.

Key Concepts to Accept About Your Abusive Relationship

You cannot make your abuser happy, therefore you cannot make them mad, either. You do not have magic powers that control your abuser's words or actions and no combination of your words or behaviors will result in an end to the abuse.

Most everything you do and say will be "wrong", and if you are right today, you'll probably be wrong tomorrow. So you may as well do exactly as YOU please at all times. Make your own decisions, act on your hunches. It doesn't matter what you do, the abuse will continue.

You are in a relationship that thrives on your honest disclosures about yourself. However, unlike healthy intimate relationships, your significant other uses your deepest secrets against you. You cannot trust your abuser with your heart, so keep your mouth shut about it.

There will be moments of joy and pleasure in your abusive relationship. Go ahead and enjoy the sex, the compliment, the joke, etc. But leave the joy in the moment. Don't assume that because s/he smiled a minute ago that the smile will be there when you look again. Humans need joy in their life, so grab all you can.

You need a safety plan. Period. Abusers are unpredictable and you never know when you're going to have to get away from them. Thinking through a safety plan during moments of peace will help you to think more swiftly and clearly during moments of danger.

Keep people on the outside of your relationship close. Isolation is the abuser's best friend. When you're isolated from others, you lose the most valuable lifeline an abused person can have - ideas from people other than the abuser. You increase the effects of abuse by only hearing your abuser's opinions, so stay connected to the world outside your home.

Educate yourself about domestic violence and abuse. Search words and phrases like verbal and emotional abuse, side effects of abuse, gaslighting, crazy-making and brainwashing. Learning a little bit each day about how your partner manipulates and controls you lessens their ability to do it.

Concepts to Accept About Yourself

You are human; a delightfully imperfect person who can do the very best you know how to do in this instant. Every instant.

You are lovable.

You deserve respect.

You can choose one thing today and another thing tomorrow.

You are powerful.

You can learn, grow and adapt.

You do not have to accept or absorb lies, even if the lie has a grain of truth to it (see Detaching from Verbal Abuse Hypnosis MP3).

You hold God's hand, even when you cannot feel it, but sometimes you must do something differently so He can help you in another way.

You decide who stays in your life.

You decide when leaving an abusive relationship is right for you.

You can also find Kellie Jo Holly on her website, Google+, Facebook and Twitter.

APA Reference
Jo, K. (2014, January 22). Leaving An Abusive Relationship: Why Can’t I Just Leave?, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2021, May 10 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2014/01/why-cant-i-leave-abuse



Author: Kellie Jo Holly

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

tj
July, 31 2017 at 10:44 am

how did you leave? I am afraid every time I want to leave he beats me and threatens to kill my family. and if I call the cops he will have one of his friends hurt my family. idk what to do I feel trapped and need help getting out!

CJ
July, 25 2017 at 11:31 am

This sounds also too familiar to me. I moved countries to be with a man who I did grow very close to, the problems started when he was drunk, he would get very aggressive (with everyone, not always just me) and then one night we came home and he started screaming at me and told me to leave. I spent the night sat on a bench wondering what i'd done. It got into a cycle where things would get better and he'd apologise and we'd get close again and have really good times, but whenever he had a bit of stress, he would abuse alcohol and turn into this monster. He would spend hours screaming at me about how useless I am and how sh*t I am and how my family hate me and using things about my past (I was married, to a cheating user, now divorced), he would say that it was my mistakes that ended my marriage and no one needs someone like me in their life. This would go on and on, then he stopped drinking and for the last three months we had no problem. He runs a restaurant and I work with him and live with him so I don't take a wage, even though its his, not ours, (now I write it I realise how stupid that sounds). I help him look after his two dogs, I shop, clean, cook, while he lives the life of a 20 year old, stays out when he wants, does what he wants etc, (I'm 33, hes 39). If I want to go see a friend, and I only have a few here, he will question why I need to go now, why not another day, then ask me what I did and call me and say to say hi to my friend so he knows that I'm where I say I am. One minute he says we're a couple, and I'm so important to him, the next he tells me i'm nothing but disgusting and I'm only here because he needs me to do all I do for him. Id always put his aggression down to his past, his mum died when he was very young, and he has a child with an ex, but she moved away with the child without telling him so he has no contact anymore, plus numerous other things. But after this last period of us getting on great and growing closer he started to drink a few days ago... he's hurt me physically in the past by throwing things at me or trapping me between the bed and the wall then shoving the bed at me, hes also smashed my glasses off my face which broke them and hes smashed up my laptop and mobile phone. Hes also shoved me to the floor a few times in anger, but this time he had only drank two or three beers, we started to fight at work as I had asked to change the music because people had complained about it (he always listens to techno when he starts to drink, not great for a restaurant atmosphere) and hed got aggro with me over that, then the insults started, he called me into the kitchen to scream at me about how sh*t I was and how I could just leave. Despite knowing when I say I leave it makes him worse, I couldn't help but shout back that I will go then and he can work the whole shop himself. When we closed the evening I asked if I should take a hotel or was I going to be in for a night of sh*t and he kept saying listen when I answer you, I don't answer you again, which made no sense. I should have known, he got in first, and I heard him screaming at that dogs, said that they had destroyed something, which they hadn't. Then he turned on me, screaming again about how he hates me and my family (who are coming to visit next week), they gave him money to help start his business and he is not one bit grateful for it and I ooubt they'll see it again... but anyway he screamed on and on all the usual abuse about how I'm worthless and an awful person, then he said he wasn't even so drunk this time, so I cant blame alcohol, threw me on the floor, so I started trying to get away from him, then he threw his keys at my head with such force they came off the keyring and I had an instant lump on my head, then as I covered my head started punching and kicking me as I lay on the floor crying. He told me to apologise and I said I was sorry and he said for what, tell him for what, I kept saying I was sorry but he kept kicking me. He laughed at how pathetic I looked and then punched me again and kept laughing. Eventually he stopped, and went to sleep on the sofa. I went to bed. When I woke up the next day my whole arm and leg are black and blue, swollen and painful, as well as the lump on my head which is still sore to touch. That was the night before last and he has acted like everything is fine, he hasn't mentioned anything about it, hasn't apologised, hasn't asked why I'm limping or swallowing painkillers, and ive made sure to wear clothes that show the bruises at home so he knows what hes done. I think its time to accept that he doesn't care about me, he only cares about himself and the help he needs from me and anything else is just spin to make me stay with him. So after all of this, why the hell am I finding it so hard to be able to leave? I would have to leave overnight or when hes out because as before, if I have tried to pack my bags and go, he either throws me to the floor or rips my bags open and throws all my stuff around. But I know he is stuck without me, his business would fail and he wouldn't be able to look after the dogs and the shop and have any kind of life also. I also know that this is what he deserves, and when he tells me I deserve to be punched and kicked that that's not true, but why would I feel so guilty for leaving him?

millisa smith
July, 24 2017 at 1:02 am

Sounds like my abuser

Star
July, 23 2017 at 4:02 am

I'm in a abusive relationship and realizing it now. planning to leave soon I live with him and I'm acting like everything is OK I don't want him to know I'm leaving he says I'm his and I'm not going anywhere im dying on the inside the other night he choked me and punch me in my face it seems like things are getting worse when we argue this time was bad but I guess every time is I was crying and he said when your done come lay down how can a person be so cruel he won't give me any space very over barring he doesn't look at what he did is wrong and that's what scares me I don't have low self esteem I know I deserve better I'm making the decision to leave this abuser and never looking back.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Notenough
July, 25 2017 at 9:46 pm

I know how you feel. I'm at this moment crying and laying next to him and yet he doesn't care. I scream I'm not shot and he laughed ok... I hate how he makes me feel! I want to leave! But I don't know why I stay. Is it for my kids or why! God help me before it gets worse.

Khine
July, 12 2017 at 9:49 pm

Leaving and get out from abusive is ok. I have one question that are they gonna change their behavior or they will change victim ? When they are going to realize they are wrong?

Cortney
July, 8 2017 at 12:04 pm

I personally am in an emotionally abusive relationship and on top of this I struggle with depression....I found this article quite helpful though because for the first time it sounds as though someone who has been where I am is writing it...For all those who have not been through this you cannot and will not understand what this article is truly saying and how much it can help those of us (like me), who don't have the courage to leave...But I am here now saying that this comforted me in ways I haven't known in years...My family abandoned me when I decided to stay but this article is right..I dont have excuses for staying, I have reasons...A five year old who only knows a daddy she loves and admires...A buisness that cannot continue without someone on the side right now pitching in (no matter how little)....I can't leave but one day I will and until then this is the only comfort I have found...Because everyone else gave up on me..Think leaving is an easy choice...Sure, if I wanna lose everything I have spent the past 6years working for..

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Deb
July, 10 2017 at 7:54 pm

Thank you for this article and the kindness you have shared!!! I cannot express how helpful this has been to me!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Jane Smith
July, 13 2017 at 8:27 am

I am in the same scenario. I am choosing to stay in my emotionally abusive relationship for my own personal reasons. I have learned what to do and what no to do. I found a website that has REALLY helped me immensely. It's a messageboard called BPDFamily.org . It's divided into sections for people who are in different stages of a relationship with someone with borderline personality disorder (something MANY abusers have).

Pat
July, 4 2017 at 2:46 pm

Thanks for the non support!

R.R.
June, 21 2017 at 2:56 pm

I found comfort in reading Psalms 147:3.

Anyone
June, 13 2017 at 1:32 am

Praying for strength

Lay
June, 10 2017 at 1:48 am

Hey ladies. Im in an abusive relationship too. Disrespects me, threatens that he would kill me, physically hits me, i mesn treats me like dirt. Im isolated and feel alone. He contols me. I only go to work and come back home. Only wants me to be with him. Says i dont need friends and im weak because i need them. The list goes on. Im always lying to people on a regular about my lifestyle and always lying and making uo excuses when people ask me to hang out, etc

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

t
June, 20 2017 at 6:38 pm

I feel the same way, I feel isolated and alone I feel like I am in hell!! it first started off as me & him going out places but every time we go out he says I am staring at some man and having sexual thoughts about them. Than it was if you hear someone playing loud music in their car don't look and if you do your thirsty or a hoe. It has gotten so bad that when we go any where I keep my head down, look in my phone, or play with my nails so he doesn't think I am looking for attention. It has gotten so bad to the point where we were in Wal mart shopping with his male cousin, he cousin was walking towards us and I looked up and than turned my head when I noticed his cousin, and now he is saying I want to be in a relationship with his cousin. he constantly calls me out my name, he physically, mentally, emotionally abuses me. I am 20 years old and feel twice my age, I was 120 pounds I am now 107 I have lost weight from not eating and being stressed. I am scared for my life, I want to leave but I cant leave! he keeps telling me if I leave he will kill my mom, or my brother, or have somebody beat me black and blue. he saying I cant leave until he takes what he wants from me. I don't have anyone to talk to you, I have no friends anymore, he put a tracker on my phone, he blows my work phone up to make sure I am at work, I don't want to go out and have fun with him anymore every time we go out he accuses me of looking at someone. I barely see my family because he doesn't like them, and when I do he blows my phone up constantly accusing me of cheating. I have never cheated on him or any of my past boyfriends. I just want out of this relationship but I am scared! I have more hate in my heart than love for him now...

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Becca
July, 18 2017 at 8:11 pm

My boyfriend as well treats me like dirt. He has such a problem with the fact that I have had past relationships before I ever even met him. He constantly ruins our entire day because he says he has no respect for me. I have only slept with two people before him!!! He has tracked me and is constantly wondering where I am. All of my friends left me. They did not want to be around someone who stuck in a relationship like this. And the sad part is that I barley have any reasons to even stay. I feel like something is wrong with me and that I'm going crazy. I'm constantly being called a s**t and a w***e as well as useless. I've never cheated on him or anyone. He actually cheated on me! Yet even after I still stayed with him and he STILL continues to accuse me of cheating and "wanting too much d**k". I am a good person and I do believe that. I am trustworthy. But I feel so alone. I know this article says that if people (friends and family) leave you it's okay because you have your reasons. But I'm just trapped in this loop. Scared to make a change. He has made me feel as if I am dead and that there is something wrong with me. He has never hit me. But I am scared if I stay any longer in the relationship. It's so hard to leave. And it's nice to know that others are going through the same thing and that I'm not just crazy for staying here.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

July, 19 2017 at 3:13 am

Hi Becca,
Thank you for your comment and well done for sharing your story with us.
The relationship you're describing sounds very unhealthy. Know that no matter how many people you've slept with, you still deserve to be treated with respect. Nobody deserves to be called those things -- especially by somebody who is supposed to love and care for them.
When we're in a relationship with someone who fails to understand us, we often end up feeling more alone than if were single. This was certainly true of my experience. I too felt "dead" and ashamed of who I was. I also withdrew from friends and family.
It doesn't have to be like this though. I am worried for your emotional and physical well-being if you stay in this relationship. You're absolutely right in that emotional abuse is often one of the first signs that a relationship will become physically abusive down the line.
I know you feel trapped, but trust me when I say there is a better life out there for you than this. It won't be easy to leave, but if you stay the abuse is only likely to get worse. You might find it helpful the call the Domestic Violence Helpline, which can be found on our help and resources page
Good luck, and know that you're not alone in this. Big hugs, Emma-Marie xxx

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Yana
July, 20 2017 at 1:28 pm

Omg... this sounds like my abuser!!! U can email me if u like

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Skye
July, 22 2017 at 4:41 am

OMG this sounds like my situation. He says he tells me things about why I should change my behavior. "I'm trying to bring things to your attention to help you". Gas lighting is part of my situation...tries to make me think I'm crazy or didn't hear things right. Lives with me, doesn't financially contribute, withholds sex sometimes, puts me down and when he sees any self confident or happiness in me...he will do something to even the score. Last night he crashed his high school reunion and told me how much fun he had dancing and talking with other people. I can't trust him. I'm isolated and shut down. Depressed and anxious and stuck. Feel guilty because he has nowhere to go except live in a garage which he says is fine. Often said I'm responsible for his divorce. Even though their relationship had nothing there which he admits. He doesn't see his child and complains about paying support. This would never be ok. I'm down to 2 things. Food and sleep. He stuffs food in my face and As a result have gained weight. I have lost friends. He keeps me up at night. We eat dinner at 9 frequently. Food and sleep. That's all I ask for. I'm college educated and have a career. Work is all that makes me happy at the moment and knowing all this and yet I haven't left. Yet. Nice to know I'm not alone.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Skye
July, 22 2017 at 4:41 am

OMG this sounds like my situation.i feel so alone. He says he tells me things about why I should change my behavior. "I'm trying to bring things to your attention to help you". Gas lighting is part of my situation...tries to make me think I'm crazy or didn't hear things right. Lives with me, doesn't financially contribute, withholds sex sometimes, puts me down and when he sees any self confident or happiness in me...he will do something to even the score. Last night he crashed his high school reunion and told me how much fun he had dancing and talking with other people. I can't trust him. I'm isolated and shut down. Depressed and anxious and stuck. Feel guilty because he has nowhere to go except live in a garage which he says is fine. Often said I'm responsible for his divorce. Even though their relationship had nothing there which he admits. He doesn't see his child and complains about paying support. This would never be ok. I'm down to 2 things. Food and sleep. He stuffs food in my face and As a result have gained weight. I have lost friends. He keeps me up at night. We eat dinner at 9 frequently. Food and sleep. That's all I ask for. I'm college educated and have a career. Work is all that makes me happy at the moment and knowing all this and yet I haven't left. Yet. Nice to know I'm not alone.

Tina
June, 9 2017 at 8:44 pm

I don't know if I'd call my relationship abusive but that's what everyone says I grew up with a lot of anger and overdosed because of it but the man I'm with now I love him deeply and he's loyal but if I wear or say something he doesn't like and a slut and he gets mad a me when he says I don't listen to him and I always have to do what he says, ask permission to go places, and I've had to get rid of friends because a girl with guy friends is a slut he gets mad at me when I cry and it makes situations even worse. I know I'm overly sensitive maybe that's the whole problem. I don't know what to do.

T B
June, 9 2017 at 11:29 am

Been married almost 31 years to a man that belittles me often for saying things he didn't want me to
say . Anytime I make any type of a statement he shuts me down and says I'm being negative even if it truly wasn't. I have been with him since I was 13. Ran away with him at 15. Married him by 16. 3 kids by 22 who I adore. He has cheated on me since the beginning of our marriage and still to this day. I don't and can't even confront him anymore .He can instantly turn it around and tell me it's my fault because........or make me out to be stupid or crazy . I need to get out for my own sake but I'm stuck. He becomes a better liar and manipulater every time confronted and has even told me ,what does it matter your never going to leave me anyways. And some how he always becomes the victim. I ended up with breast cancer and he never even skipped a step. He talks like we are in it for ever but sleeps with anybody who will give him the time of day. I want out but I feel stuck do to our finances etc. he has a way of making me feel useless and unworthy of all I am and all I do. One min. I'm everything and the next I'm nothing. It's a lonely emotional roller coaster .

Jade Love
June, 7 2017 at 10:24 pm

Currently the 1000th confrontation between me and my abusive partner. At this point, I feel pathetic. I feel tired of even telling my friends and relatives and do nothing about it. I guess that's the sad part. When you start feeling like you deserve it. Mine wants me to "shut the f*** up" every time I do something he does not like, even if unintentional. I am not allowed to "talk back" or explain myself. The last time I did, I was pulled and dragged and kicked down my stairs. He says, call me crazy. And I may be f'd up, but that's how it is. "You made me this way after not listening to me these past years." He says the things he thinks are not normal, and I should just leave. it's dark isn't it ladies? Knowing the one person you try to give so much to, feeds off of your guilt and shame. And in the end, I stay. pathethic & scared, I stay.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Lay
June, 10 2017 at 1:52 am

I totally feel you!!
Were currently fighting off something i have no clue about!!! Im getting the silent treatment right now and of coursed threatened that he will strangle me with an cord and watch me die ( he just said that to me). Told me to move out and took my car keys, as usual. I never hated someone soo much. My life is miserable. Its like im in jail and i just go to work and come home. I try to make him happy but its never good enough. Never!!!!!!! I pray everyday to god to give me the strength to leave

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Nicole
June, 11 2017 at 2:25 pm

I too am a prisoner of the house. Took my car keys yesterday and hasn't given them back. So instead of the usual text arguing, I am getting my ducks in a row and finding an escape route. I am 47 years old and I've already raised my son, he is now 28. My dogs ( who were my babies ) have passed away, now 6 months, I see no reason for me to stay and take the verbal and emotional abuse. I've had a lot and I've had nothing. And, as nice as it is to have the little luxuries in life, I'd rather be living my life and not just exist in it. Stay strong women, there's always a solution. May not be the easiest, but being miserable is a lot harder to deal with.

Jane matos
May, 25 2017 at 10:33 pm

I'm in a relationship that I am constantly being told I am stupid to know where I stand if not he will put me in my place. How i am the reason why he isn't happy I constantly annoying him everything about me piss him off to leave get out etc. how me dealing with everything he did and do wrong I stood besides him and that no longer mean stuff to him and yet few hours later act like nothing happened. Mind u he have ptsd but I want to leave my stuff is packed it just I feel stuck emotional I'm in massive amount of stress being here. Idk what to do his phone is lease under my name and the internet is as well

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Rosie
June, 3 2017 at 1:13 am

I feel so sad and depressed, because my husband constantly calls me names, says that I make him miserable, and threatens to leave me. I am successful in my career and I don't understand why I can't leave him. How do I leave. I have a 13 year old daughter and a 16 year old son, who does not want us to get divorced. I feel trapped and don't know how to end this nightmare

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Nicole
June, 11 2017 at 2:28 pm

Bring in the authorities! The kids may not want the divorce now, but when they see how healthy you are and how happy life can be after, they will get it. There are laws to protect you, start researching.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

t
June, 22 2017 at 1:42 pm

I feel the exact same way, I constantly get called a maggot, hoe, bitch, slut all the evil words in the book you name it I'm that person according to him. I cant look anywhere or at any male and if I do he thinks I am attracted to them and calls me dirty names. I have never cheated on him, and just try and love him. he constantly abuses me and breaks me down. I want to leave but I am afraid for my life and my families life as he always threatens us. he said he is not going to let me leave until he finds another women or until he doesn't feel like I am a hoe. I am so afraid to do anything beside go to work and home and be with him 24/7. I cant see my family without him thinking I'm cheating. I need help! I am afraid to go to the police he said in the past if involve the police and he goes to jail he will just have his friends come and hurt me and my family.

Junex
May, 25 2017 at 2:45 pm

I want to leave, but he doesn't let me. He would call people to beg me to stay for him, he will apologize n say it will never happen again. I would pack my things ready to move n leave him but he never let me leave!

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Tina
June, 9 2017 at 2:01 am

My bf does that every time I want to leave! He also makes threats to make my life worse.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Yesi
June, 11 2017 at 8:35 pm

Yes I'm in th same situation je belittles me hits me and when I have my bags packed ready to go he starts this crying scene and say he will make my life worse sometimes.

Cheryl
May, 13 2017 at 9:46 am

Thank you for this article. ....I am trying to get out of an abusive relationship. ....it is so difficult because it's emotional abuse and of course I gave him money which seems to go along with abuse. ...I've been down this road before. ....you think I would get smarter with age but the charm of an abuser is magnetic and difficult to detach from. ...I have distance on my side.....thanks for not making me feel guilty about all of this. ....it would be too much to bare.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Laurie
May, 30 2017 at 5:59 pm

I'm with you and I'm trying to find my way out. I'm glad there's distance between us but he doesn't know what No means and it's always my fault.

T.
May, 4 2017 at 6:58 pm

I have been told that all my life I've accepted some type of abuse. I've pretty much left one dysfunction for another. At the time you don't know it's even happening. You think you have gotten healthy found the right way. Someone comes along and you are completely open and honest with that person in regards to what you want in life and I a partner. No matter how honest you are doesn't mean others will be. My family relationship was the first dysfunctional relationship in my life. I met my kids father in high school. I graduated pregnant with my son and out on my own. Dealing with being a young mother on my own and my kids father constantly cheating and missing I tried to make my family work. Vowing not to to have my children a product of a broken home. Accept for not realizing the home was already broken . It wasn't until several years of abuse, manipulation, betrayal this was finally realized. Years of thinking I'm bargaining with God on what I will endure just to have a better life for my kids . Wondering why God doesn't hear me . It wasn't until someone said to me how do you know God hasn't answered you maybe it wasn't the answer you wanted. Within a couple of weeks it seem to be my eyes were opening. After a couple more episodes of abuse and going to see a marine graduation was when it hit me. There are people with nothing in their way starting there lives. Taking a pledge for our country, going to fascinating places and starting careers. All my life consist of is working, cleansnig cooking. Someone who is barely there and when they are the air is so thick and tense. I made the choice to leave and this time for good. I don't know what made it different . I attempted man many times and was unsuccessful. This time it felt as though my eyes were open and I could see the pain and abuse and knew it would never get better. After leaving I worked on myself made myself healthier enjoyed my kids more. After only a few months I met someone who I thought had my best interest at hand. I was up front on everything I have been through and what I expected out of a relationship and if he couldn't provide this it was ok but we couldn't date . He said he understood and was not looking for games he wanted to settle down with someone. Unfortunately all these statement , understandings were false. He played games the entire relationship, yet again I was manipulated, cheated on, abused , and brain washed . That perso. Is my husband. Just recently has he admitted to all the things I had questioned him about years ago. I am still his puching bag. If someone makes him mad he takes it out on me . He allows everyone else to walk all over him and I have no lack for errors what so ever. I'm beneath him I. This marriage and wonder frequently what in anything I said when I presented what I wanted I. Someone made him want me? If he hates me as much as he shows why. Can't he just leave?? Just like my kids father I've tried to leave many times unsuccessful. My children are attached to him . They see the rollercoaster in his unstable emotions but still care for him. We share a house . The mortgage is in my name the deed in both. I don't know how to walk away from the home
I tried to build
For my kids . How do I get out of my mortgage without going bankrupt? Divorce lawyers are so expensive and my husband claims everything is all his when I've worked harder than him the entire relationship. He bullies conices, is sneaky, and when thing s are not going his way everyone in the house has to pay. It's a vicious cycle that needs to end. Last time I left someone I wasn't married or owned a house. How can I leave this behind without bringing along more financial baggage?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Nicole
June, 11 2017 at 2:35 pm

Unfortunately, the likelihood of staying in that house is 50/50. Two sides of the coin, mentally it might be better not too and downsize. There are laws and they will protect you. It may be further than you'd want to take it, but at some point happiness and sanity have to be a priority.

jomiami305
April, 27 2017 at 10:06 am

I am writing this while Im on break at my job (wirh tears). I am in a relationship with a man who is physically mentally and emotionally abusive. He is controlling and a hypocrite.  He has cheated on me multiple times and now he wants me to take a lie detector test.  I want to take it to prove myself but another side of me wants to grab my kids and run. I am starting to hate him with every fiber in my body. He has a child support case against I feel like he won't take a DNA test because he knows it is his child.  I hate that I stayed this long. I feel so worthless every day of my life. The only thing I am is a punching bag to him. I hate my life with him. If I had somewhere for me and my kids to go without him knowing I would take it in a heartbeat. He accuses me of cheating when he cheated 5 Times and he couldn't be a man and tell me he was cheating he had to get caught. I have let him get too much power. I feel stupid because iI allowed him to control me and put me in bad financial situations. My credit is totally messed up because of the things I put in my name. But his credit is fine. He has threatened me to leave me with bills that he helped create and abandoned his children.  Our children loves him but the hate his attitude. My son says he is scared of him because he constantly yells and curses at him. My daught has told me so MANY times to leave her dad. I hate my life sometimes I wish I dont wake up but I know my kids will suffer.

Jackie Taylor
April, 13 2017 at 6:06 pm

I have been in an abusive relationship for almost 2 1/2 years. At first it was great. I didn't know until months later how bad his drinking was. He comes home from work complaining about his job etc. I have listened and tried to support and encourage him in every way. I am unemployed and have been for most of our relationship so I am Dependant on him for financial reasons. He calls me horrible names, accuses me of cheating, has thrown a lamp at me. It came inches from hitting me. Then the next day he acts like nothing has happened. Then the aploogy comes and promises that it wont happen again. I feel I've lost myself trying to make this work, walking on eggshells not knowing what will set him off. I have 3 children that visit on weekends. My oldest daughter who is 14 has witnessed this abuse along with my mother. All I hear is just leave him blah blah blah... I want someone who understands me. My mom is struggling herself in a 1 bedroom and unemployed. I feel stuck, defeated and somehow feel I deserve this somewhat. I've made terrible decisions in the past. I'm twice divorced and left my ex husband because he was also abusive but this is by far the worst situation I've been in. Yet I can't get the courage to leave. I'm deoendant on him financially, I don't get any encouragement or support from him. If I could just find a good job and save $$ I would leave. Problem is I feel so beat down with doeression and anxiety I barely get out of bed most days. I pray to God for strength and wisdom to leave.

Angela
April, 7 2017 at 11:57 am

Thank u I needed to read this , short but impactful

Brokenspirit
April, 2 2017 at 5:41 pm

Hi guys.. my boyfriend verbally, emotionally and physically abuses me. I love him with all my heart but he has extreme rage problems and he thinks everything is my fault and he tends to hurt me. Ofcourse afterwards he cries and apologizes but this happened too many times now. I have no idea what to do... no one knows this and I feel so alone. It's unforgivable.

Erika
March, 27 2017 at 1:33 pm

How do u deal with all the emotional feelings with out crying?

Eileen
September, 24 2016 at 5:06 pm

J lin, I grew up abused, first husband abuse, I left. 2nd, I divorced him after 18 years. No sex. No family, all that he'll gets worse. I did leave him, but then as I lost my job I had to return. I'm still being abused. But look, the reality is this. The abuse won't ever end. We get brainwashed. Thinking it's us, oh I can go on..here is truth. Abusive shelters only give a nights stay not much help. If your financially ok. GET OUT. but you need a plan. I know you think he will get better or change 99% do not. Think of that, he hurts the one he loves. Because there is no love. Your his frustrating bag he can whatever to. I made up excuses too. I pray in 5 months I'm gone. Do not waste ur time. Yes he can kill you, or you can spend years trying to figure out what you can't fix. I would rather see you living with yourself and later meet a great man. Don't waste it like me. I am 49 and I have my plan again. This time I am leaving it's my plan. After almost 20 years all I have is clothes and a few pictures. No family is left to help me. Bottom line is simple. This is your life. You have no self worth it you think you deserve it. Make a plan, do not tell him anything. Get a post box for your mail. Open up a checking at another bank. Find a place you want to move to. When you go do it when he is not home, get movers to come after he leaves. Get ur own cell phone. At work inform them hr of your situation and get a restraining order. It's sounds like alot but it's not. You will speak with him but I really would limit it. Get some support group. I can not urge you or anyone to get out and away fast with a plan. The more you stay the odds go up for your death. These men go so far that some have killed their spouses outside court offices. Some mothers where the father sexually abused the child are in other countries running for their lives. He will be nice, rude, insult you, make you feel horrible or sad for him. This is advise, you won't ever change him. Imagine spending 20 with him and all your life is gone, over. Don't be a fool. When he starts if you can go out asap, leave the argument. If he touches you call 911, many men need a wake up call. No one who loves you should hurt you. Iv read so much. Iv understand brainwashed myself and now I am ready but I have no.money waiting on social. I am leaving and never looking back. You know what helped me, I went on a few chat lines I met a few men, they were nice, had manners, I told them about my issues and all of them supported me emotionally. I then saw I had no self worth. Love yourself right now. Get a journal, write down ur important documents to take, what's next the post box etc, start cause it can take a year or years to get out safe. All my love

tiny450
September, 24 2016 at 8:59 am

I have been married for 18 years.He is abusive and has been since his sister was murdered.He refuses help.He maintains he seeks help from his alcoholic buddies.Five years ago his step father attempted to sexually assault me in the front yard.Instead of coming right home from work he goes to the bar. According to the police he was trying to "selI" me .IT has been one thing after another after another.I have sought help from the local domestic shelter,medical community,police,counselors.Due to budget cuts and program deletions I am stuck.Plus trying to find housing with a medium size dog..I own my own home and have lived 35 years here..my first husband died...housing is hard to come by..one lady at the shelter went from one place to another for 5 years dragging her stuff with her until something opened up for her.Another went from a home to an apartment to a room with college students and she is miserable.I cannot go to the shelter 1) no pets 2) they are so backed up with clients they are using pantries,offices,closets, instead of 1 o2 to a space there are 3 to 4.He has treatened if I leave he will burn down the house and all my precious pocessions.He threw a ligh charcoal grill at me so I believe he would.Any thoughts thank you

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Been there
June, 7 2017 at 8:21 pm

Call the cops

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Lucy
July, 3 2017 at 12:06 pm

Anytime the neighbors called the cops my husband just tells me to
Shut the f**k up because if they don't hear anything they'll just, beat on the door for a bit and leave and they always have done just that...beat on the door for 20 or so minutes and then leave

Abused Guy
September, 23 2016 at 7:20 pm

My wife makes lots of money. I had a pretty good job, but was laid off. Can't find another in my field for a year now because I'm 55. My wife has all the money and all the power. I know many women are with men who emotionally and physically abusive to them. I feel so bad for you. Get out as fast as you can if you're getting hit. I am with a women who insults, ignores, degrades, humiliates, undermines and hurts me regularly. The next day she says I was being a jerk and is my best friend until again, until out of nowhere she turns cruel and horrible to me again. She enjoys it most when she can embarrass or humiliate me in front of my kids or friends. Yes, we men suffer with these people too. I went to therapy, partly because she had me so confused about what was going on. I asked her to go too, so we could go to couples therapy. She won't go because she said "She doesn't need it" The latest thing to torture me is to purposely ignore me with the iPad. I'll think she is listening and then she'll be snickering after 10 minutes because I thought she was listening to me, when she was ignoring me the whole time. I am planning on demanding she go to counseling and we go to couples therapy, but I don't think that will work. I question is would she even care if it were over? She seems to love it when I fail at finding work. I assume because if I am financially solid again, she loses that power over me. So my biggest goal is really financial. I still love her and she uses it to suck me in over and over. Really bad that my kids see these behaviors, mine too, modeled for them as a couple. Any ideas or suggestions are really appreciated.

J lin
September, 23 2016 at 7:50 am

Hey I'm j I've been with my husband for 4 years he's a really good man and I have been living a expensive and lavish lifestyle. He hits me he makes me feel like crap he is verbally abusive and controlling.Sometimes I wish I could leave but I can't just yesterday he beat me so bad that i passed out. I don't understand why I can't leave I work 2 jobs I always try to improve myself but im just so depressed someone please advise me on what to do next?

Kim
September, 23 2016 at 2:15 am

Im tired and ready to leave I am in fear for my life and baby life

Pam
September, 19 2016 at 11:03 am

Because advice you read could get you killed . know what you can get away with and where you can truely go to be safe from him .

Ree
September, 15 2016 at 7:18 am

My name is Ree. I love my boyfriend. We've dated for over a year now. He's kind. I can tell he cares, i can tell he has strong feelings for me. But his ego ruins it sometimes. He gets abusive. Verbal and physical. I've talked to him about this. It stopped for about 2 to 3 months; but now it started all over again. He just cannot control his anger and the fact that he can't dump his frustration on anyone else he dumps it on me. Cause he knows one thing for sure, that I ain't leaving, which has made his abuses seem very cool and manly. I really love him and don't want to lose him. What do I do? He threatens to leave me sometimes but I know he only says that out of anger. He's a real good man otherwise. No faults, no flaws. Please help?

EliZabeth
September, 11 2016 at 4:01 pm

at this moment I am in the ER. Reason don't know if my nose is broken. My abuser is all the bad things he gives his life to Meth... After a couple of days have past by he is a monster... With me and my kids. He gets mad, for any little reason, he starts telling me that I the worst thing that has ever happened to him. I am bad Luck, negative bad energy all the worst of many words. The worst thing is he stars throwing things around and today he hurt my nose real bad. I stared bleeding my nose got slownen it hurst and that's why I am at ER. When I left the house he stared crying like a little kid. His sorrys didn't mean a thing to me. I am really tired of my life with his. I can't agree or disagree cuz it might be always bad. Every time I try to leave him he stokes me at my moms house. He damages my brother property cars and such and such... He always has excuses for everything. My brothers are tired of my problems and that I always go to my moms house and he always goes there to start problems. I feel I am in side a box and there's no escape for me. He has so much luck with cops they never take him... So we're is the HELP... I pray day and night For a miracle to happend in my life... A change a knew life a second chance just to be free from this hell...!!! I know that's the right thing leaving him I just don't know we're to go so he won't find me or the kids.

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