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Escaping Abusive Relationships: Therapists Keep This Quiet

April 9, 2015 Kellie Jo Holly

The aftermath of escaping abusive relationships is an emotional minefield many aren't prepared for. I can help you avoid some of those mines. Read this.

Escaping abusive relationships involves more than the escape plan, and you won't know the depth of your problems until you break free. But, as you plan your escape, it often feels as if getting out of the abuse will make everything better. And once you get out, you will have well-deserved stages of bliss - you will often feel much better! But at first, as often as you feel better, you will feel worse or confused or doubtful of your ability to create a life of your own. The aftermath of escaping abusive relationships is an emotional minefield that therapists won't warn you about. I can help you avoid some of those mines.

 

First of all, your therapist does not want to deter you from planning to escape or escaping abusive relationships. They know that after you leave, you will gain your mental footing and you will become emotionally and mentally healthy. Secondly, therapists aren't psychics. There's no guarantee that you will experience even one scary emotion after leaving abuse. You could be the exception, blossom immediately and maintain that bloom for the rest of your life!

But reality says you'll experience emotions similar to many other survivors of domestic abuse, so I want to give you a heads up on some confusing emotions you may encounter after escaping. If you know your strange emotions are normal, then you're more likely to sail through them without returning to your abuser.

Escaping Abusive Relationships: The Other 3 Things Your Therapist Won't Tell You

For numbers 1 and 2, see Part I, Escaping Abuse: 5 Things Your Therapist Won't Tell You

3.) You could feel an overwhelming desire to speak well of your partner to your friends, no matter what he or she did to you.

Escaping abuse is the first and most important thing you can do for your mental health. Find out what you could experience after you leave.How did you make up for the things your abuser said you did wrong during the relationship? You somehow soothed your ex-partner's ego, got them to calm down, apologized, or perhaps purposefully let them overhear you speak well of them to others. Old habits die hard. You know your partner feels angry with you for leaving them. You know they want to react in their typical way. Calming his or her ego was priority number one during the cycle of violence, so don't be surprised to hear yourself say things that remind you of your ex's better qualities (real or imagined).

Additionally, you could feel compelled to say good things about your ex out of guilt.

4.) You could feel incredibly guilty for leaving your abuser for any number of reasons.

Your logical mind knows that you have no reason to feel guilty. The abuse wasn't your fault, you didn't cause it and you couldn't stop it. But holy cow! Your heart bleeds for the person you left! He never had a good example of how a man should act. She fell victim to a sexual predator during her formative years. You feel sorry for them.

I challenge you to re-channel any guilty feelings about leaving to how you feel about your partner's behavior toward you. One of the side-effects of abuse is forgetting to pay attention to your feelings. You feel guilty because you're imagining what your ex might feel, not because you did something wrong. When you start feeling guilty or hear yourself giving your ex a glowing review, get in tune with your emotions and leave what your ex could be feeling alone.

5.) You could find yourself mourning the death of the abusive relationship.

I know you don't want to feel like a victim anymore. You're a survivor and you escaped abuse. But you must allow yourself to mourn the death of the relationship, and more than likely, you will feel intense loss and sadness. For me, I discovered that I didn't so much need to mourn the marriage I had as the marriage I wished I had. The dream of growing old with the man who finally learned to love completely was very difficult to let go.

When the sadness overwhelmed me, I let myself cry and be angry; but I reminded myself that I mourned for something I would never have and that escaping my abusive relationship was the best thing I could have done. And it was.

As you prepare for escaping your abusive relationship (or imagine what leaving would feel like), I hope you look at your possible future emotions as a rite of passage. No matter how horrible you may feel during recovery, escaping abusive relationships is the only way to guarantee your mental and emotional health will improve. Expect the unexpected, including the urge to return to the abuser, and talk your way through it with your friends and a therapist.

Although your therapist didn't give you a heads up about how hard it would be to stay gone after escaping your abusive relationship, he or she will definitely be by your side as your story unfolds. A therapist's job is not to guess what you might feel, but to help you deal with what you do feel. And you won't know what you will feel for sure until you leave.

Other Helpful Posts:

APA Reference
Jo, K. (2015, April 9). Escaping Abusive Relationships: Therapists Keep This Quiet, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2020, April 5 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2015/04/escaping-abusive-relationships-therapists-part2



Author: Kellie Jo Holly

Kathleen
November, 20 2018 at 5:32 am

I left an abusive relationship for 5 years now.
The abuse is now taking place on my five year old son when he visit his dad.
I feel helpless that I cannot protect my son.
Only recently my son reported he has being choked by his dad for spilling something on the floor.
The child service do not believe my son disclosure.
What can I Do?

gg
October, 26 2018 at 7:09 pm

You are not responsible for his behavior
(to anjel and the other angels here)

Why Me
June, 13 2018 at 6:29 pm

I’ve been in a 9 month relationship after being single for almost 10 years. I finally let someone in and truly gave my all to this man. The false accusations started almost immediately. 3 weeks in to knowing eachother we were on a late night phone call while he was at work. On two separate occasions within a few weeks of each other I was accused of having sex with another man while on the phone with him. The man he accused me to be with happened to be my best friends husband. I couldn’t wrap my mind around this. I know for a fact that I would never do anything of the sort and for sure he had to believe that I was not that kind of person to do something so horrible and disgusting. I spent the next 9 months trying to convince this man that I was not that person meanwhile any and every chance he got he verbally attacked me saying that he couldn’t trust me and that every time we are out in public I have wandering eyes. Over and over again I found myself being verbally attacked over things he falsely accused me of. It got as bad as being accused of wanting his brother. I did everything to try and reassure him that I was a good person that had no intention on hurting or playing games. I began feeling emotionally battered. No matter positive I did he would praise me and act grateful but I knew the verbal assault would soon follow. I find myself putting an end to a relationship I thought I would manage to hold together but failed. My feelings are scrambled and confusing but I’m pretty sure my only option is to leave the relationship. In a sense I feel a little sadness for him. I don’t know how else to feel.

carla
June, 7 2018 at 8:33 am

I have an emotional and mental abuser that gas lights me all the time. He his disabled and I supported us to help him get his disability. However, he's a mssive gambler that refuses to quit or says he's quitting his way which is by slowing down. He can't have utilities or possessions in his name from previous debt, and 2 little girls from a previous marriage. Having children has been my 1 goal in life and this has been the closest j came. But I want to escape the mental and emotional abuse. It controls me. If I leave his world will get turned upside down and so will the kids I love. He threatens to distort the car he bought but is in my name and I pay for. Its the one possession I feel he owed me from the amount of $ I've worked for and he blew. I feel trapped by empathy and it's suffocating the life out of me. He says everything is my fault and in my mind. I question everything no matter how much I try to stay strong. I'm crumbling.

John Schreiber
April, 25 2018 at 11:19 am

i was talking with my gilrfriend last night, when i found out that a few days ago, her soon-to-be ex-boyfriend, after she tried to break it off, not only raped her, but also threatened to kill not only her, but her mother as well if she tried to go to the police. she also said that she was having powerful self-harm urges, and that she was so tired of all of this that she just wanted to die...
what i want to know most right now, is what to do or say either to or for her in order to help her cope with all this as best as i can.
Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated.
Thank you,
John L. Schreiber

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

April, 26 2018 at 4:47 am

Hi John,
Thank you for reaching out. I'm Emma-Marie, one of the Verbal Abuse in Relationships bloggers. The situation your girlfriend is in does indeed sound dangerous. It may not be wise for her to try to stand up to him or leave the relationship until she is in a safe place and is well-protected. Abusers are often at their most dangerous when they fear losing control, usually at the point of separation. For this reason, it's important your girlfriend doesn't tell her partner about any actions she is thinking of taking.
This man's threats are not only frightening, they are illegal. If you think she is ever in immediate danger, one of you should call the police immediately -- though I can understand why she would be reluctant to do what without a support system in place.
I'm not sure if you're in a romantic or platonic relationship with this woman, but you seem to care a great deal for her. What she needs right now is someone to listen and help her move in the right direction, but you can only do so much. I would suggest you encourage your girlfriend reach out to a domestic violence helpline, the details of which can be found on our hotlines and resources page. A domestic violence organization can put her in touch with local refuges, support groups and give practical advice about how to stay safe and form an escape plan. You should also consider calling the Suicide Prevention Lifeline if you're worried she may harm herself -- the fact that she's expressed suicidal thoughts to you is concerning, and I think they should be followed up.
It's clear this woman is in danger, and action needs to be taken. It's great that she has someone like you on her side, John, so well done for reaching out on her behalf. Just be sure to tread carefully and seek advice from a domestic violence advisor before stepping in. That phone call is your first step. Good luck!

John Schreiber
April, 28 2018 at 10:14 am

thank you so much for such a quick reply,
i've taken screenshots of both numbers you mentioned above, and have passed them on to a number of friends of mine who are also worried about this situation, just in case. this is a BIG help for all of us, and i am quite eager to see what the results may show.
thank you again.

Nadine
April, 21 2018 at 8:06 am

I am lying in bed crying and feeling sorry for my ex partner of 8 years (with whom) I have a 7 yr old daughter.
I mainly experienced emotional abuse but occassionally physical (slap on the lips head and face). Additionally he is suffering from psychosis/possibly schizophrenia but he was nwver diagnosed as refuses help. I feel guilty that I had to pack my bags and leave together with my daughter to live with my parents thousands of miles away. He won't reply to anyone's call or texts. He sometimes just calls and hangs up. His own family said I will have to go back to my parents but J still feel so bad knowing what terrible state he must be in.
Any advice is appreciated.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Natasha Tracy
April, 22 2018 at 8:13 am

Hi Nadine,
I'll let the authors of this blog address your abuse concerns but I did want to pass along a resource for you. This book is about getting a person with a mental illness to accept help: https://www.amazon.com/Someone-Mental-Illness-Treatment-Anniversary/dp/0967718937/ref=sr_…
(I'm not affiliated with it and neither is HealthyPlace.)
It has helped many, I highly suggest you look it up.
- Natasha Tracy
- Blog Manager

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Nadine
April, 24 2018 at 2:28 am

Thanks for your reply Natasha..much appreciated.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

TauntedOctopus
April, 29 2019 at 1:53 am

My ex is bi-polar and has psychotic episodes. Mostly due to continued drug use. It would do well to have your number changed and/or document anything he texts if he does. I understand feeling sorry for him, but I've learned that I needed to instead start taking my feelings and self care into priority, as well as my daughters. During the relationship so much of my time was spent worrying about him instead of me and my daughter. Hes grown and has to take care of himself, it's not your responsibility. Attention tactics are something abusers will use to try to rope you back in or impose some form of control over you, your thoughts and your feelings. You did the right thing choosing yourself and your kid. You're doing good reaching out here for help and support. Keep going, keep working on yourself. ♡

Lauren
January, 29 2018 at 2:29 am

I have a friend in the 'after' phase. I want to help her get through the feeling of guilt and running back to him and feeling wanted by him. But I don't know what to say or do... I can't relate and I don't want to be rude... Any suggestions on what she might need from a friend?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

January, 31 2018 at 11:00 am

Lauren, you seem like such a good friend, your friend is so lucky to have someone that cares enough to ask these questions. I think after abusive relationships end, there can be a kind of limbo where you don't really know if it's just a break that's part of their cycle or if it really is over, for your friend's sake, I hope it's the latter. I think the best thing you can do as a friend is to listen without judgment, listen with compassion, and understand that in the aftermath of abusive relationships, it is very difficult for a person to be rational in regards to their thoughts and feelings about their relationship ending and their ex-partner. What she's experiencing is not unlike an addict struggling to stay sober. I think more often than not "tough love" could push a friend away in this circumstance because she may feel defensive and she may even be convinced this guy is the only one who will love her. She probably already feels pathetic, so when she picks up on others thinking that or implying that, she may put distance there. Try to be patient with her and when you have plans together, keep busy, do fun things that have her mind occupied, no romantic comedies! Lol. Thanks for reaching out Lauren, please feel free to reach out any time! -Emily

Roxanne
November, 28 2017 at 2:45 am

I find I cannot stop shaking. I am being bullied by his entire family, and now it is time to save myself. I think I stayed until our son got into college. He has 1 year left. He came home for Thanksgiving to a house of hell. My 40 year old stepson, called to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving except for me. I know that does not sound like much, but it adds to the list of behaviors that are accepted to everyone. NOBODY ever says, that is rude or why would a person who claims to be a Christian, to be hateful on this holiday? My husband cannot talk to me, It has to be a berating tone. Intimidation is his only way. I feel like a whipping post. I am disabled from numerous spinal fusions so it makes the escape harder. How can I get 2 suitcases out the door to a cab? My son is my only family as everyone else has died. ZERO support but I know I have to get out before I literally end up in a padded room. Stay away from narcissists. The whole family has this gene. Marrying into another culture cannot always work. Jamaican family has never been kind to me ever. 26 years of hell. No more~

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kat
December, 31 2017 at 9:24 pm

That’s me right now...can’t stop shaking. My stress has been so bad, that I get migraines and I’ve had colds more often. I don’t know why I feel guilty for planning to leave. He puts me down and I can never give my opinion because he gets very angry. If I talk, he gets angry a lot, if I don’t talk, I’m not “friendly or nice.” I can’t win. Not too long ago he slapped my phone out of my hand and broke my case. He said I ruined Christmas because I wanted to spend Christmas with my family. He said he was going to need “proof” that I was family. He started giving me a hard time because I want to spend time with friends. I’m emotionally exhausted!

Tiffany
October, 27 2017 at 7:48 am

I was surprised and disappointed when I didn't magically return to the person I was before the relationship. Recovery was hard. Everyday was hell. Recovery was almost as bad as the abusive. I was alone with no support system and no one believed me. Looking back I know leaving and breaking off contact was the best decision I ever made. I'm still making progress. I'm glad I didn't give up even when I wanted to.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

jo
April, 7 2018 at 3:45 pm

I'm glad you made it out! I feel the same, recovery does seem as bad as abuse. The process seems slower than I expected. No way I am going back now, I can't imagine the punishment I would get!!!

María Belén Pérez
September, 27 2017 at 7:30 am

I am a therapist and we do explain to our patients the emotional rollercoaster that comes after you escape any abusive realtionship. We do not aim to harm our patients, We EXPLAIN EVERYTHING AND HELP OUR PATIENTS. Please do not say otherwise. People who are going through the process of escaping an abusive relationship need therapy. Thank you.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Dee
October, 15 2017 at 11:09 pm

Actually, I think you’ve missed the point the author is making. If not, instead of declaring her words false, perhaps acknowledge that not all therapists work in the same way—which, if you tell your patients exactly what feelings to prepare for or expect, you’re definitely not any therapist I’ve ever met. Many, many therapy models hinge on the therapists’ role as primary reinforcer, not a facilitator who is leading or controlling the therapeutic session. Furthermore, changing outlook depends on eximplifying positive outlook so a patient has support for future, forward-thinking, especially during a dark time of spiraling through trauma, like this. The author is not disparaging therapists. She is pointing out that the therapists role is different and crucial to a victim changing her life. And, so is communing and learning of others’ first-Hand experiences going through this difficult, frightening, emotionally precarious and courageous event. The ‘courageous’ part, she is saying, is the primary role of therapy to reinforce, but victims are often ambushed by the reality of her emotions in the aftermath that few prepare her for.

MV
September, 20 2017 at 1:06 am

My ex began abusing me when I was pregnant and found out he was texting a girl in February of 2015, only 6 months into our relationship. Anouar el Allati said he loved me and and wanted to keep the baby. I found another girl in his phone who he had been reaching out to inappropriately, and who I came to find out he had previously hooked up with, and I confronted him. He lost it, broke my phone, and strangled me over the kitchen table. I was 12 weeks pregnant. I called the police and this became the beginning of nearly 2 years of emotional and physical abuse, constant mind games, tracking my location on my phone, isolating me from friends, putting me down, lying, stealing and gambling, hiding money in separate accounts so he didn’t pay his share of the rent, days on end that he would disappear to drink with young girls and do drugs with his loser friends, and constantly breaking into my phone and computer to monitor what I was doing. I was pregnant and scared, and I had no idea what to do. I had just moved to Amsterdam, NL from NYC, and I tried so hard to believe all of the lies he was telling me for the sake of myself and the pregnancy. He was playing me and using me the entire time. I bought a scooter so we could get around and he could go to his new job. It was under his name because I am not from the NL and he told his friend that he would steal it for insurance money if we didn't work out. He would hide my much-needed prescription medication on me, and then say he didn't take it. He was so intimidated by me, that he worked to systematically destroy me. The woman he claimed he loved and the future mother of his child. I couldn't understand or wrap my head around it. Why would this man who promised me the world, steal, lie, cheat, and make me think I was being crazy or paranoid?! I supported him financially a bit, and he was so ungrateful and mean, and always hid money and lied to me about it. He promised to help and pay me back when he got a job. We got asked to leave apartments because of the abuse and complaints from the neighbors and I lost at least 5,000 in security deposits. He would call the police and play the victim. It was absolute insanity.
I paid for our vacation to Mykonos and he had slapped me so hard when he was drunk, that he broke my eardrum. He left the island on a boat to go back to Amsterdam, and the whole journey would've taken 24 hours. I called him and paid for his flight back to the island and had so much mercy and kindness. Surely this person couldn't be this evil. I saw when he arrived that he was referring to me as "the bitch" to his brother on his phone, even though I had been physically abused that day, had an injury, and just saved him from a hellish boat and plane ride to Amsterdam. There have been so many girls in his phone and he comes back and promises it was this or that.
I got pregnant again after terminating because of issues, and I caught him texting his ex who works at the Schipol airport. I messaged her and she confirmed he had asked her if she was single. This was while I was pregnant and visiting family in Ireland. He denied everything and it ruined my entire trip.
He is the ultimate con man and has textbook narcissistic personality disorder. Soon after, I then lost the second pregnancy and he blamed me and said I should just get over it. We had a break for a couple of weeks in January and he came back into our home, to live and go to therapy and better our relationship. Anouar promised me and cried to me that it would be different. He was supposed to come to the gym with me one day, and instead I tracked him down with his friends at the sugar factory ( nightclub) in line wasted on ecstasy pills. He said he was sorry and told me to go home with all of them. Later that night when we were back at home, I found a girl in his phone who he had been calling all night to come meet him with the sweat emoji, etc. She was 18 and was a lover boy street girl. Again, he claimed and blamed it on his friend. He even changed her name in his phone, so he could pretend he didn't know who she was. She sent me the text messages and I was devastated. He promised it was a huge mistake and he was messed up on drugs and it would never happen again.
We went on a spa getaway and came home and after we were done being together and he was showering, his phone went off and I saw a text from some girl he had asked for her number. I was devastated but locked myself on my patio and yelled at him to leave. He refused. I went inside our home and yelled at him about it and he slapped me so hard on the face twice that my earrings flew off. I screamed for him to leave and for help. He then started punching me with a closed fist. I told him he was a son of a bitch and he went harder. I have bruises and cuts and scrapes all over my head and body. He has strangled me to the point I nearly passed out on multiple occasions, then went home with scratches or ripped clothes, and told his family I was "abusing him". Unreal.
Thank you for your support! I had given this sociopathic narcissist another chance, so stupidly. I just found all of his secret Facebook, Instagram, and email accounts where he had pay-for sex accounts, and was chasing around women from his past. I also found out he was trying to have an experience with a shemale. These things are abnormal! I converted to Islam and he assured me we could live a better life together. He lost his mind when I found out and hit me, strangled me, and told me AGAIN he would kill me. I was trying to trust him after all that we had been through. He admitted he lies pathologically, and I hung on so long to someone who is just sick, that I started to feel crazy. We need to remind ourselves to stay away from the Anouar Allati, Anouar Mota, Anouar el Allati, types of the world. They will suck you dry and leave your life in shambles if you let them. I came from NYC with my law degree to the Netherlands, and thought I'd settle down with a nice Amsterdam guy and build a life together. He played that part, but it all wore off until I could seee the monster behind the mask. I am putting my life back together, but it is hard to wrap my head around the abuse and psychotic things I endured for two years. My whole life as I know it with this man I loved and adored, was a complete lie. I wish I had listened to the people around him who warned me he was no good. I will be more cautious in the future, and I forgive and feel badly for someone who is so mentally ill. I know I can get better, but that type of narcissist never will. Please take care of yourselves, my fellow survivors.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Olivia
December, 17 2017 at 1:54 pm

You're an Angel

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Olivia
December, 17 2017 at 1:59 pm

I am experiencing the same abuse without children being involved. I want to escape this so badly!! He's 5 years younger than I am. He doesn't support me at all but Caters to others. Everytime I approach him with his lies and infidelity he backfires on me. I am fed up and ready to go but when u are ready to go and have no where to go where do u go?

Sara
September, 11 2017 at 1:46 pm

I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for 4 years now. The first 5 years were more than I could ever ask for, I was the happiest women alive. My husband thought I was cheating and at the same time started doing drugs. That was the beginning of my nightmare. He constantly accuses me of things I don't do, talk to me like I'm garbage, says he's going to hit me although the has never but things just get worse and worse. My child just sits through the yelling and screaming likes it's normal. I am completely drained. I feel alone and scared. Why I am so afraid to leave? I know I have to. I have always hung on to hope that he would change back into the man he used to be but I now realize that is not going to happen. I feel like I lost the wonderful man I had plans of spending the rest of my life with. I now have he opportunity to leave after feeling stuck and alone with no help for so long but why do I feel so guilty? Why am I so scared? I know I have to get out of my situation now but why I am struggling with making that first step when I know how toxic my relationship is and how it's damaging my son. I just feel completely drained and sick. I'm not looking forward to the long road of struggling to get myself back on my feet yet I can't stand to live this nightmare one more second.

gena
August, 26 2017 at 2:12 am

I and my adult children have suffered non stop abuse via rages, degrading comments, threats regrading our livelyhood. I feel so guilty that my children are all scarred by the man they call father. He is generous to a fault and we live a prosperous lifestyle, but it all means nothing when the ugliness of his anger and rage just explodes out of nowhere. I was recently injured and had a brain trauma. While in a car with him he abused me verbally and menaced me. I was begging him to have some cinsideration but he said " eff your injury." This from a man I have nursed through multiple injuries and surgeries. We took a road trip to a resort town. QOn the way there he drove like a maniac to scare me. HE cursed and screamed the whole way. When we arrived there I was so depleted I had to go to bed at 5 in the afternnon. The trip was miserable. once home i felt distanced from him. I had finally admitted if I stay this is my life to the end. Fear, verbal bause, and anxiety. What drives me to finally end it is him now abusing my oldest son over a business deal. I have had enough! Sentiment and nothing but bad memories are the realit. I cannot ride out my last days on earth with this monster. QI now admit my entire life with himhas never been happy pr safefor me. My heart breaks o er theain my children have gone through. ALadies, know that I am finally totally walking away! QIm free!

Jane
August, 23 2017 at 12:45 pm

My ex was emotionally abusive, I have only just really admitted this to myself as have spent months missing him and wanting him back. This is the longest I have not spoken to him for (3 weeks) and I can finally see that although I love him and he doesn't intend to hurt people - his behaviours are consistent and he repeats patterns of abuse in every relationship. Dealing with the emotions of feeling rejected by my abuser has been the most difficult experience I've had to date.
He is now in a relationship with a close friend. I haven't told her of his abuse but his previous ex wrote a public statement on fb a few years ago disclosing his abuse and many other women commented confirming this. I am thinking of emailing her the link to this anonymously. Is this a bad idea? Would you want your friend to know or am I just being bitter? I am still friends with her but I feel coming from me directly will just look like jealously. Is it just jealousy?

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

julia
August, 26 2017 at 9:10 am

Jane you should definitly let her know what she is getting her self into. Just start with a disclaimer saying that you are coming from a good place. Don't let him get away with damaging anybody else.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Kim
December, 14 2017 at 12:31 pm

I would definitely warn her...I agree with the previous response and start out by telling her you are not jealous and have moved on and are happy...but she needs to know before she's a victim or worse yet a victim with an innocent child and it's too late for a clean getaway! I speak from experience unfortunately! Good luck and God bless!!!

Bellindah Sikhosana
July, 27 2017 at 2:10 am

i have been in a abusive relationship for almost 6 years now i have two kids on that abusive relationship and want to live this life but i cant cause i am scared of punches and the threats

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Rose
August, 17 2017 at 1:28 am

I have also been in an abusive relationship for 7 Years. I have left him twice and returned. I am now leaving for the third time and planning on never returning. I am scared and lost. I blame myself but deep now realize that I don't deserve the physical violence and control. If I don't leave, he will eventually kill me. I used to think I could not make it on my own, nobody would want me, and I would always regret leaving. I now look to the future and desire happiness.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

letitia
August, 27 2017 at 6:28 pm

I am praying you will find the strength to get away. I know this sounds trite, but you don't deserve this. I don't have much courage myself, and am dealing with emotional abuse. I pray there will be a safe place for you, away from this person who doesn't deserve you. I believe God created you as a complete, competent, loveable person; he intended for us to be in loving relationships ( I know all too well that's not always a given, sadly). That person has just been sidetracked, or in hiding (possibly as a safety factor, to avoid riling an angry, insecure, volatile person. Am asking God to lead you to a better life. Please be safe, and know others care.

ali
July, 22 2017 at 4:52 am

No one has the right to hurt you purposely in any way. They have mental attitudes to abuse woman. It is not your fault. Run away anywhere you can...it only gets worse as they will "punish" you more.you can't fix them and make treat you nice...ever!

Battered Wife
June, 26 2017 at 8:49 pm

I'm currently in an abusive marriage, yes i try to leave but the talk is if i leave wont be able to see my son again and that pains me so much, this time we went up to some elders and they spoke to us, there advice is for me to give him another chance but i don't think that a good idea seeing that the following week he did the very same thing again, keep saying to myself i need to tell my family but i fear what they will do to him, he gives me no space to do nothing, i told a friend and she told me to leave him, but he wont let me leave. Financially in not there but I cant do this no any more, i need go but i don't know how, i have very critical illness and I'm afraid that it might happen when i leave and I'm alone with my son and there will be no one there to help him if something happens to me, then i feel guilty for wanting to leave him behind, only for him to have a better chance.. So all i do is sit and cry my self to sleep. Please help me.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Szant
July, 2 2017 at 11:02 pm

If you have children, there is no help really. I fled the state with mine and was not only ordered back, I am forced to live no more than fifty miles from him. My whole life revolves around him now. No support, no help...

Kacy
June, 20 2017 at 12:00 pm

Fear of the escape turning tragic is what stops people from leaving.

Chell Bell
May, 18 2017 at 5:22 pm

It's been about 5 days that I escaped my abuser, I have mad it up to 11 days once. I'm sure that I'm going back, I always do. My last relationship was the same thing. He went to prison and I just cut him out of my life. A year later I met my current abuser and he ran right off into a busy behavior. He has smothered me, choked me to the point of passing out, blacked my eyes several times, and no matter what the situation may be he always blames me, it's always my fault. He wasn't adusive in his previous relationships. The last one said that too but he really was..I sometimes believe I bring it onto my self. I have a drug addiction and my life style and choices are part of the reason of me being abused but to tell you the truth I was being physically abused since before I had memories. My mother is a very abusive person. It's been years since I have even spoke to her and I slowly began cutting of contact with all my family and it seems like the more I cut family of the more abused I was. I wish I could change my past but I know that's not possible, I'm almost certain things i wont do much better for my future. I do love the Lord with all my heart and I'm thankful that I have him to be with me and comfort me especially when I feel like I'm in the war zone and I'm going to die at the hands of a man that claims he loves me. Sometimes I welcome death..that's where victory is for me. If I am able to stay away from him this time, I am going to help women like me. If I go back, well there's no doubt that he will be the death of me and hopefully someone reading this will relate to my story and save themselves.

Miserable
May, 15 2017 at 9:46 pm

I am in a horrible relationship. I always google to read and sooth myself that I am not the only one. My boyfriends is Arabic... Muslim. I was with him for only 3 months before I became pregnant with my son. He started punching me and hitting me while I was pregnant. He has went to jail several times for abusing me.. he knocked me unconscious once and put me in the hospital because I was hiding away at my mothers house. I regret not pressing charges. My son is one years old now and I'm being abused more than every tonight I made him dinner, I was sitting at the table doing homework and I got an attitude because he invited people over, we have been arguing about him being with his friends all the time lately. He came and struck me and threw all of the food that I made all over me and all over the kitchen, yesterday he punched me in my lips so I had a fat lip all day today. I stay with him because I'm scared, I'm scared my plans of leaving him will fail and then I will really get it. I don't know what to do... he tells me I'm ugly, he can't stand me... so why won't h just let me go? He tells me to leave my son with him and I can go. I'm really so desperate but I am so scared. He knows where my mom lives he knows where I go to school... I am so skinny from how depressed I am, I don't even eat because it makes me sick to my stomach. I dont know what I did to deserve this, I don't know why he hates me so much when I do everything for him a woman should do. Getting the police involved I feel like they won't do much. I just feel like I'm going to end up dead. I don't want to do this anymore and I wish I can just get out. If you are in an wbusive relationship I would just recommend to leave when you have the chance because these kind of people will never change. I feel so grossed out when I see him, I hate when he touches me.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

HIding Behind the Lipstix 3.0 Ministry
June, 4 2017 at 7:00 pm

Please get out and get you some HELP. Don't allow him to take you out. You are worth loving and being treated like a woman that God made.
t

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Dee
July, 15 2017 at 6:38 pm

Plan a time to sneak away,if no ride ask neighbor or stranger to take you to hospital,hell call an ambulance if you have to or law for a ride,they can take you to a shelter and relocate ya'll.it only gets worse

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Eryka
July, 18 2017 at 10:47 pm

I'm so very sorry that your son and yourself have to deal with such a horrible person. This isn't your fault and you don't want your son to grow up with no mommy you need to be strong for the both of you and try maybe contacting a local shelter or the police if you need too. I wish you all the strength and courage you and your son need to be brave and strong enough to get out of that situation

Tra
May, 11 2017 at 2:35 pm

I pray you all find the inner strength within you God blessed you and loves you and did not put you here to go through life unhappy men can see the potential in us before we see it ourselves there mission is to stop what could be but you all will be everything you besire and more mi ex told me i would have things without him now i have more then him you have to do somethings you have never done yo get to places you've never been(chase your dreams) they'll never realise what they have if its always there God bless you all seek and you shell find freedom

Tiff
March, 27 2017 at 2:43 pm

My entire life has been filled with abuse.when i was 15 i started going out with a guy who was a few years older he started out cool and spending money on me and making me feel like a princess..when i was only 17 i found out i was pregnant.i decided to keep the baby.he slowly started showing his true colors.it started with a push here and a push there then a smack here and a smack there.im sure u know the rest.he was awful to me but he was a dependable and stable father.we broke up and i had a few years on my own he would take our son on the weekends..but i honestly started hanging with not such a good crowd and doing things im not very proud of so my sons father allowed my son and i to move in with him until i got back on my feet.even though we were not together he started being abusive once again and time went on and on and it was easier to just deal with the abuse once in awhile then to leave and do it all on my own.i was afraid.i dont have family support and i was scared.but then i met a man who i thought would be my knight in shining armour only to turn out to be my worst nightmare.he promised to take care of me and to never ever hurt me.i have some mental health issues i have bipolar and manic depessive i collect ssi so my income and choices are limited..but anyway my sons father decided to throw me and all my stuff out in the street in front of the house.all because he was tired of me living there he met a girl and she didnt like the fact that i lived there so he threw me out.i had just met this guy so i didnt know him very well he said i could come stay with him and his mom.shes a sick woman so he needed to live there to help take care of here.thats what he told me anyway.i held my son in my arms and didnt want to let go.but all the fighting in the street was traumatizing.so i left and this guy turned out to be the craziest man i ever met.he showed his true colors very fast.he was crazy jealous i couldnt talk to my sons father without a huge fight and when i realized he was a real abusive man i tried to leave he actually cut himself so bad he needed 12 staples in his arm.he lied and told the hospital someone did that to him.after that he tried to be so sweet with me but honestly i was afraid to bring my son around him.he wouldnt leave my side for a second he would tell me things like he would take his life if i left or mine and things like that.i had a court date about custody of my son on the way to court he thought he was going to loose me he ran in front of a bus.imagine i was in aposition of a man thats sick and obsessed with me.well imagine i have been dealing with this man for over 4 years i really dont know how i lasted this long.my son wouldnt talk to me for r years he only recently started writing me.he wants to see me and i am dying to see him.i cry myself to sleep every night since the day i was thrown out.i wish every day that i could go back 5 years.this man has put me through hell since i met him.i recently started saving some money and putting my important papers on the side and tryingbto reach out and see what kind of help i can get.i pray everyday god will answer my prayers and bring my son and i back together.i went threw ovarian cancer twice and almost died, i thank god i had my son so young i had to have a total hysterectomy when i was only 28.my son is turning 16 i missed out on 4 years of his life i cant miss anymore.please i need help.i feel so stuck i feel sorry for him his mother passed away almost a year ago and they were very close but now its even more abusive.he dont give me anytime alone he always wants my attention.he dont sleep.he is also metally ill.i only have alittle time here and there.i try to make phone calls and find out as much as i can.its really a nightmare.everyday i wish i could just wake up and this all have been a horrible nightmare.i apologize for pouring so much out.oh and how very stupidly i married this very unstable man.i need some advise please.i collect ssi for mental health issues and back problems.please if you could tell me how to get into housing or what my next move should be i just want a home so i could get my son back.i miss him so much.please help.thank you.

Adriana
September, 26 2016 at 6:53 pm

It hurts deep to hear myself in all of you... I just turned 21 years old and I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years this November. I've known him since I was 15. He is all that I know, since my dad passed away when I was 13.. He was so sweet, the funniest guy ever (still is on a "good" day). But now I can't stand to look at him... I find myself wanting to hurt him just as bad if not worse than he's hurt me. I know I do not deserve this, but it is so hard to leave... I know who he really is, I know what makes him cry, I know the caring and emotional guy he can be.. But I swear it's like he has 2 personalities... I despise the other. He hits me, slaps me, he has spit on me, drags me across rooms by my clothes, throws me against walls, runs at me, threatens me, calls me every name in the book. I try to ignore the things he says verbally to me but they ring in my head and when he speaks them my chest hurts just as bad as when he hits me. It's only been a year of this and I can't do it anymore. I cry almost everyday. People I know are growing up and maturing and I feel as if I'm going backwards... He makes me feel like a child and gets mad that I act like one! He makes absolutely no sense and I am never allowed to speak to tell him that. If I do, all hell breaks loose. I hate that this is my life. I ask God what I did to deserve this... Because I know leaving him is gonna put me into more of a depression. I hope I can find happiness as I am still young. Even for all of you that have been in this for way longer, I know there is someone out there for each of us that will show us and treat us with the love we deserve.

In reply to by Anonymous (not verified)

Tiff
March, 27 2017 at 5:58 pm

Adriana, i have to be honest with you if i didnt know any better i would think that we were with the exact same person.this monster i married broken my soul, destroyed every part of me and i honestly dont know how im still alive.i know that i dont deserve this but just like you its those moments of the other person comes out and knows how to make me feel so sorry for him.and how its my fault, that if only i would stop this or start doing that and stop talking back.like really wow i didnt know u were my dad..its really a living nightmare.these men get such a hold on us and they take our love for granted and try to make us feel so awful about ourselves that no one will ever want to be with us.and i know its not true, and honestly ive been through this too long in life i really just rather be alone! I just wanted to let you know you are still so young and i was exactly where you are when i was your age only i had a son.its not easy but then again what we go through everyday is hell anyway.i can promise you that you will be so much better off once you can make that huge step.once you get out the rest will be a dream come true.i wish you so much luck.they dont realize it only takes one little push to fall the wrong way or them hit you in the wrong spot for something really tragic to happen.please get out before that.we are in very similiar situations its not easy at all just got to stop worrying about them and worry about us.please do everything possible to get out asap..i wish i knew how to help i myself is on here looking for help.im disabled with a very low income.i just keep trying to save as much as i can without him noticing and got my papers where i can grab them.good luck

Quamay
September, 19 2016 at 4:08 am

God Bless You/US All.....
Somewhere Somehow....we have!!! To find the Strength and get pass the fear to...LEAVE! !!! these....TOXIC!!! People.
God Bless Us All.

Tami
September, 15 2016 at 1:15 pm

I have been married for 19 years. He is 53, I am 37. I ran from an abusive (sexually) stepfather and married my husband with in 2 weeks. It was wonderful until about 10 years ago. He became an alcoholic and has gotten worse and worse. No one knows it though. I am a stay at home mom, (3 kids ages 15,16, and 18 he is autistic) and I homeschool. The kids and I have no friends and no family other than each other. All of his friends think he is great and we are the perfect family. They all know he "rescued" me from my family so they think he hung the moon. He has never hit any of us, he is emotionally and mentally abusive to me and our children. He has a daughter that is 33 and she is perfect in every way (she's an alcoholic too and a teacher so she hides it well. The children and I want to leave but I have no access to any money as I have never worked, am not on the checking account, credit cards, the house and my car are in his name. I don't know what I am going to do but I know I have to do it fast. He shot my son and daughter's dogs because they played to rough with his dog (his princess) right in front of them.

sue
September, 5 2016 at 5:27 pm

First i would like to say thankyou for sharing your inner most thoughts, it does help me reading your stories. I am looking for a rental place. i am feeling deflated, demoralized, confused, sad and lost. I have lived the past six years with a person that has no emotion, except anger, spite, manipulation and game playing. I cannot speak my inner most thoughts as i don't trust him..... He will laugh at me, he will twist my words and meanings, then tell his mates......he doesn't respect my feelings. He chucks tantrums, runs me down and belittles me in front of my children. He is charming, shows compassion, listens and laughs to everyone except me. He has manipulated me into thinking i am unworthy, I work full time, i raise children (not his thank god). To the outside world he's a good bloke, to me he's nothing but a trouble making son of a bitch. He has done drugs for over thirty years, no-one knows. He thinks choking me and going to hit me is funny. This is also a story no-one knows. i am dirty on myself for giving him chance after chance. even last night he has this falseness about him trying to convince me he has changed, it is a cycle, it will last about one week, this time I am confident to leave, I feel like a failure but looking back i have tried every avenue possible. The ironic thing is that in a relationship it takes two people to make a success. I am scared, I am still breathing, the sun is shinning, I have beautiful children both boys, I have strength to get out. My feelings and emotions are real, They are mine and I will look after them........That's my promise to me.

Wendy
August, 18 2016 at 1:23 pm

I have been gone from my abuser for 2 months..... Although it was hell with him it got to be familiar .... When he wasn't verbally emotionally or physically abusing , he could spin on a dime and say things that made me feel so loved ... But he couldn't follow thru ... I think the longest he could be decent was 2 weeks at the most.... He degraded then apologized ... Told me to come back and he would cherish (his words) me forever... Play oldies on you tube to show me that's how he felt about me... And yet he'd punch me ,push me , piss on me, call ever foul word in the world and still I'd go back I must have left in 2 years @ least 50-60 times each time I went back I felt he was miserable without me and he was sorry.....but it never stayed good.... Now I am away .... Now I feel every gamut of emotions ..... I'm sad...I'm heartbroken, I hate myself, I question my thoughts constantly... He would always call me angry... When after so many arguments I would finally say nothing ,then I'd get angry cause I felt like a fool believing him again..... He would say he should just lock me in a mental institution.....I was homeless piece of shit..... A whore... He'd go on for hours saying the same thing ... I'd hide on the ranch and hear him going on for hours.....why didn't I leave??? I left sometimes , sometimes he'd take my ranch key , and I'd be locked in... I had him arrested 3 times .... He took a plea deal probation, domestic violence classes, 12 months of AA.... I've been gone 2 months and he still had not started any conditions and 8 months passed.....
My most important point is .....Now I'm so short fused... I feel like all that abuse and now I'm free I still can't be myself pre-him.....
I'm ready to snap .... I'm either crying or being short with strangers@ the market,gas station...... I'm completely uncomfortable with myself......
At a loss , praying this will pass.....
....

Tammy
August, 10 2016 at 1:05 pm

I have been married for 32 years to a narcissistic emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically abusive man. This has gone on for so long that I have completely lost me. I tried leaving 3 times and each time came back out of fear. I have no self esteem, I am alive but not living. I have two dogs that are my daily reason for living. I worked full time for 32 years but now cannot due to brain aneurysms and a stroke, making me feel trapped. I still have hope and contnually seek out a place for myself and my dogs that I can afford.
Reading everyone's stories definitely helps and I do not feel so alone. I hope each and every one of us finds true happiness.

Mouse7
July, 19 2016 at 4:57 am

I had a really bad marriage with not much affection and I was verbally abusive to my husband. I was awful to him and I don't blame him for losing his love for me. I found out I was bipolar and had ptsd and borderline personality disorder. I went on meds but it took a while to find the right ones and right dose. I'm still working on this and trying to get therapy. I started dating a guy when I separated and he was really great to me. He was affectionate and would buy me flowers, cook dinner for me and just showed he cared in a million ways. I thought he was amazing and perfect for me. A few months in he was over at my house and we were pretty drunk. I can't remember what was said but we started arguing and he got mad and threw a glass on the floor where it shattered. I told him to leave. I had to repeat it over and over and he would not. He stood in my doorway and said he didn't have to and he'd leave when he was ready to. I was so angry I slapped him across the face. He reached out and pushed me by my cheek and shoved me back. My neck twisted and I went flying back and fell and slid in broken glass and hit my head on the floor. I was afraid of him after that but he said it was self defence because I laid my hands on him first. He then started trying to win me back by being the man I knew before and I figured it was an isolated incident. Even still, something in my gut said it wasn't right and I dumped him every month but we always got back together because by then I was all messed up thinking he loved me more than anyone had and I couldn't let that go for whatever reason. We moved in together a year later when I sold my house because I was desperate for somewhere to live and had no job so a very limited amount of money to pay bills. Within one month he changed completely like he knew he had me and now his real side came out. I dumped him within that first month and started sleeping in another room. For the past 8 months I have gone from hating him to wanting to rekindle something to being scared of him to wanting to kill myself. I'm all over the place and my mental illnesses do not help. He would make comments like how he thought we should live together forever even if we weren't a couple because he loved my company. Then he would accuse me of having cheated on him while we were together and that he always loved me more than I loved him. He calls me psycho and self-absorbed, assumes I'm not on my meds or that I'm drunk when I come home late from visiting a friend. He expects to know who I'm going out with and when I will be home, or to text him if I will be late and if I don't he waits up for me and gets angry when I come home. He is possessive, controlling, and mentally/emotionally abusive all the time. I feel like I live in a cage and he's not even my boyfriend anymore. We had another incident of physical abuse when he was belittling me and trying to get me so upset to the point I got angry and hit him, which "in self defence" he took as an opportunity to shove me across the kitchen into the lower cabinets. He called the cops on me that time because he figured he should do it before I did. I have been trying to fight back and not let him run my life but sometimes I have such bad anxiety and am just too afraid of his moods that I end up not doing anything. I barely smile or laugh. I don't feel good inside and I cry every day. This is so draining. I recently got a new apartment and am trying to move in but he is once again making life hell and I don't even have the energy to pack a box let alone put it in my car and take it to the new place. I need to get out and to safety away from him and live my own life but I'm scared. I'm afraid to be alone and be a part-time single mom with no job and I have no idea how I'm going to make it work without a support system. I've been on a wait list for therapy for over 3 months. Sometimes I feel like I'm such a waste of space and he's right about me being trash. Other times I fight these thoughts but they never quite go away. This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through and I used to be beat by my dad, I was raped multiple times as a teenager, I was abused by boyfriends etc. I have so much trauma but this one has destroyed me to my core. I don't think I will ever be able to get past this but it is really comforting to read other comments and know that people in similar or worse situations have fought and won their battles. So thank you for giving me some hope.

Nicole
July, 9 2016 at 2:57 am

I'm in a tight spot. I'm pregnant with my 5th child. Currently going to school, trying to start up my business. I'm naturally entrepreneur minded.
Being married now almost 6 years has been hell. I knee better than to marry him, but bing pregnant with my second child - the first from a previous relationship, I thought it was the right thing to do. Wrong move!
I've been in an abusive relationship for 7 years and I don't know how to get out. Mostly just scared. He's neglected me any children. Been vindictive and spiteful towards me and my children as if we did something to make his life miserable. He treats us all like slaves and servants. He come first always. He has bipolar tendencies and has tried comic ting suicide many times. My life with him has been spent on a never ending roller coaster of lies and deceit. He has had other woman in his life and will not come clean about it. He had an ongoing affair with his ex girlfriend (mother of his first son) and continued to sleep with her whIle she was pregnant with her new boyfriends child and while he was married to me with our second one on the way.
He always tells me it's my fault. Calls me crazy and bipolar. Has left me andy kids with no money or food on the table. I fear that my time has been wasted on him. Always having to pacify him and try to take his attention away from the kids because of his short fuse.
I need help. I tried therapy, of which he said I needed. I feel alone, scared, and worried all the time.
I'm studying health and yet I'm in an unhealthy relationship. It's like a smack in the face. I know he has taken up time I've list with my children. I need to leave but have no where to go. I don't want to live on the streets, I don't want to lose my kids.
Help!

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