Did Verbal Abuse Cause My All-or-Nothing Mentality?

For some people, an all-or-nothing mentality can be one of the possible results of verbal abuse. However, it isn't just verbally abusive actions that can cause this. Anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem are also commonly linked to an all-or-nothing mentality. 

I've experienced many negative emotions during my verbal abuse journey. Regular exposure to intense screaming, insults, and threats contributed to a contrasting view of relationships. The extreme emotional swings within the cycle of abuse reinforced a black-and-white dynamic that was a common occurrence. 

An All-or-Nothing Mentality In Verbally Abusive Relationships

As I navigated my feelings, my coping mechanisms evolved into extreme thinking. There was never a stable middle ground in my life for many years. If I wasn't doing things right in the eyes of my abuser, I was completely wrong. 

Each mistake I made was magnified and focused on, making me feel worse about myself. So, I lived each day trying to be perfect and avoid any confrontation. The verbal abuse reinforced several absolutes that aligned with this black-and-white mentality, such as: 

• I will never be enough.
• I am always screwing things up.
• I can't do anything right.
• I'm not smart enough to achieve (a goal).
• No one likes me.
• I'll never be happy.

Changing the All-Or-Nothing Perspective 

Through therapy, I've grown to understand that these negative thoughts are not entirely true. I am not perfect, and sometimes, these statements may apply to some degree. Occasionally, someone won't like me, or I make a bad decision, but that doesn't mean I can't learn from these situations. I can grow and change, moving away from this all-or-nothing mentality. I understand that although I'm not 100 percent perfect, I'm not 100 percent a failure either. 

When it comes to my relationships now, I recognize that when my partner is mad at me, it won't result in verbal abuse. Yes, we disagree, but there aren't the insults, name-calling, or threats that were once a part of my life. 

I have the trust I need now to know that even if I make the wrong decision, my partner and I can talk through it. I don't live each day thinking I'm not good enough anymore. And that grace I receive goes both ways. I am more open to communicating with others when I'm upset with their actions. Slowly, I'm building the relationships I need and deserve.

After years of analyzing my past and present relationships, I'm not sure if verbal abuse caused my all-or-nothing mentality. However, I know it's an unhealthy way to live my life. Every day is unique; sometimes, it's a struggle, and other days, I'm feeling great. I remember to take it one day at a time and try not to beat myself up when I'm not 100 percent perfect because I know that I'm not 100 percent a failure either.