Leaving An Abusive Relationship: Why Can’t I Just Leave?
So many people beat themselves up over the question "Why can't I just leave?" You want the easy answer? You aren't ready to leave yet.
- haven't been convinced that the abuse warrants you leaving, or
- you lack financial resources, or
- you're in business with your abuser, or
- the kids are too small, or
- the kids are almost out of school, or
- the abuser needs you, or
- fill in your reason here.
Notice I said fill in your reason here. These are not excuses. The reasons you stay may sound like excuses to someone else, but don't let anyone belittle your decision to stay. I really want to end that sentence with "to stay for now" but truth is that you may never leave. You could be 70 years old and wondering how your spouse is managing to exceed life expectancy, them being so miserable and nasty and all (lots of people are doing this right now).
I want you to be okay with choosing to stay, because making decisions is empowering. Staying is a choice you can make.
Leaving An Abusive Relationship Is Important
It would be very irresponsible of me if I don't say a few things at this point.
- I want you to end your abusive relationship. Life is too short and precious to spend it with a person who hurts you.
- If your abuser physically assaults you, I hope you leave right now. Verbal abuse escalates to physical assault and assault escalates to death. Additionally, you may not be the only one to die -your abuser could murder you and then your children and anyone else on the scene.
Point is that choosing to stay with an abuser will have very serious emotional and/or physical consequences. It is only a matter of time.
Leaving An Abusive Relationship Is Not Your Only Option
Honoring a person's choice to stay in an abusive relationship is a relatively new concept to domestic violence social workers and other domestic abuse helpers. You might find helpers who support you no matter what you decide to do. On the other hand, you might find helpers who decide there's nothing they can do for you if you do not leave the abuser. That hurts, I know, but just because they're the experts doesn't mean they always know the right thing to do.
Additionally, many of your closest friends and family members may distance themselves from you if you choose to stay. Often we tell ourselves that they're tired of listening to us complain when we won't do anything to change it. Remember though, the ones who love you need to keep themselves sane, too. If they're in the battle with you, they may not be strong enough to pull you out if you change your mind and leave the relationship.
Don't take it personally if people don't support your decision to stay, and please don't beat yourself up because you feel you can't leave. Let's just roll with this for a while and see what we can do for our mental well-being when we choose to stay.
Key Concepts to Accept About Your Abusive Relationship
You cannot make your abuser happy, therefore you cannot make them mad, either. You do not have magic powers that control your abuser's words or actions and no combination of your words or behaviors will result in an end to the abuse.
Most everything you do and say will be "wrong", and if you are right today, you'll probably be wrong tomorrow. So you may as well do exactly as YOU please at all times. Make your own decisions, act on your hunches. It doesn't matter what you do, the abuse will continue.
You are in a relationship that thrives on your honest disclosures about yourself. However, unlike healthy intimate relationships, your significant other uses your deepest secrets against you. You cannot trust your abuser with your heart, so keep your mouth shut about it.
There will be moments of joy and pleasure in your abusive relationship. Go ahead and enjoy the sex, the compliment, the joke, etc. But leave the joy in the moment. Don't assume that because s/he smiled a minute ago that the smile will be there when you look again. Humans need joy in their life, so grab all you can.
You need a safety plan. Period. Abusers are unpredictable and you never know when you're going to have to get away from them. Thinking through a safety plan during moments of peace will help you to think more swiftly and clearly during moments of danger.
Keep people on the outside of your relationship close. Isolation is the abuser's best friend. When you're isolated from others, you lose the most valuable lifeline an abused person can have - ideas from people other than the abuser. You increase the effects of abuse by only hearing your abuser's opinions, so stay connected to the world outside your home.
Educate yourself about domestic violence and abuse. Search words and phrases like verbal and emotional abuse, side effects of abuse, gaslighting, crazy-making and brainwashing. Learning a little bit each day about how your partner manipulates and controls you lessens their ability to do it.
Concepts to Accept About Yourself
You are human; a delightfully imperfect person who can do the very best you know how to do in this instant. Every instant.
You are lovable.
You deserve respect.
You can choose one thing today and another thing tomorrow.
You are powerful.
You can learn, grow and adapt.
You do not have to accept or absorb lies, even if the lie has a grain of truth to it (see Detaching from Verbal Abuse Hypnosis MP3).
You hold God's hand, even when you cannot feel it, but sometimes you must do something differently so He can help you in another way.
You decide who stays in your life.
You decide when leaving an abusive relationship is right for you.
Jo, K. (2014, January 22). Leaving An Abusive Relationship: Why Can’t I Just Leave?, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2023, January 30 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2014/01/why-cant-i-leave-abuse
Author: Kellie Jo Holly
At 52, you're still a spring chicken! You have time to heal from the abuse, learn to love yourself even when you're not in a relationship, and find real and true love. You're looking at possibly another 40 years. Maybe more as medicine advances. Don't let your age keep you from pursuing true happiness. You deserve it. You deserve joy.
So my baby's father (she is almost three) has mostly stopped the abuse except for some verbal and psychological. But he continues to pressure me for sex. He hurt me so much emotionally for so many years I just don't want him any more but I have to give in occasionally just to keep the peace, he is a pro at starting fights by pushing my buttons and provoking me into anger then I will feel guilty and offer sex to "fix" him because I feel bad for hurting him. I love him but no longer want any intimacy whatsoever with someone who has been so psychologically brutal to me and I do not trust. But I have to sleep with him. I have to do it tonight he did it to me again today and set me up to feel guilty and no way out other than sex. This man is a twisted individual and it sucks because I am a smart, good, nice person and he uses it against me and manipulates me into sex. Someday soon I will leave and I will never come back, so help me God, sick of feeling like the world's dumbest cheapest hooker.
Thanks for this article. I'm also in an abusive relationship and I know I need to leave. My fiance has cheated on me with escorts.
When I caught him doing this in the beginning of our relationship he would apologize, saying he would stop.
I believed he would change. After our daughter was born, I found confirmation of him meeting up with escorts again. He started becoming verbally abusive and blamed the cheating on me.
The escort crap continued and I continued to confront him until he just became better at hiding it. The last straw was me finding him in a hotel room with proof.
After that happened he would get extremely angry when confronted about his behavior.
He started biting me and pushed me into a wall while I was holding our baby daughter. This has happened a handful of times.
He now threatens to kill me if I leave and says that he can't be without his daughter. The only family I have is across state lines.
He has made sure that I cant work and gives me no l money. My mom is secretly coming to help me leave.
I'm terrified of leaving and the courts taking my daughter because I'm leaving the state. But I have no choice.
I know it's time to leave. The scariest thing for me are the possible legal ramifications. I have proof of his prostitution, but not his abuse.
Please pray for me and my daughter and any advice would be appreciated as I am totally broke.
Proof of the prostitution is pretty good proof of abuse, in my opinion (which doesn't count since I'm not an attorney). I would find a family attorney who offers free consultations.
I foresee a future of court visits in which his attorney continues the case without notifying you in advance (I'm not a psychic either, but I've experienced things like that and have spoken to many others whose ex's attorneys used this strategy to wear them down). This will cost you time and money, plus you'll have to see him in the courtroom.
It would be a good idea to get a restraining order against him. When you fill out the form to request the order, be very specific about his actions. Be specific about how his actions made you feel. Be specific about how his actions endangered your child. If you file it in your mother's state, your new home state, he may have to attend court there to defend himself against it.
You can also make a police report about the abuse and then decide to press charges for domestic violence. Consult an attorney or the sheriff's department to find out where to file - his state or yours. Often, a call to the sheriff's office will answer that question for you.
My advice? Try to find some work. Almost any kind of work. Whatever you can do to show that you can provide a financially stable environment for your child. An emotionally stable environment is good too - try to keep the baby on a routine. Keep notes about that routine.
I know this advice requires you to have an attorney. I read that you're broke. Since you can pick up and go to your mom's, I assume you're a stay at home mom with no job outside the home. I know any job is unlikely to pay enough to cover the attorney fees at first. But get the job, then worry about what's next.
Do not contact your ex. If you have a no contact order, do not EVER reply to him until the judge revises the no contact order to include contact about the child. If that happens, answer his texts about the health and welfare of the baby, but don't let him suck you into other conversations. Do not trust him when he promises to change. But if he says he'll kill you (or something to that effect), believe him. Why? You have evidence he will not change (the abuse happened repeatedly). And you know he is dangerous (pushing you around while holding your child).
Do not believe a word your husband says about the law or what will happen to you legally if you don't come home. Wait on advice from an attorney or a court order. You don't have to do what he says unless it's backed up by a court document. He will tell you he spoke to an attorney and his attorney said ... That's fine. His attorney can say whatever. Until you have your attorney's advice or a court order, you don't have to listen.
Please, contact an attorney for a free consult. Even if the consult costs $60 or so, it will be worth it. Go with your questions written down.
Good luck to you. This will be difficult, but worth it.
As reading these comments, it exactly feels same as me. I feel guilty, I feel like i cannot satisfy my partner. He accuses me slaps me grabs and drags me from my hair...and so on. When attempt to leave the relationship, he gets more crazy such as cutting his wrestles, screams ..... Why can`t I just leave? :(
I don't know how to leave financially I can't right now and I have no one to ask for help. I don't know what's worse for my son? Me staying in a verbally abusive relationship sometimes physical or leaving his dad and my son not taking the separation well?
I'm in a very tight spot. I cannot leave. I can't seem to get hired and unable to complete my g.e.d. or high school due to my walking distance. And I failed my learner permit three times, simply because I didn't realize that I was suppose to take drivers ed, my bf just laughed and had me drive in parking lots only. My father had abused me since 12-30. He was arrested for molesting me when I was sixteen. My mother made me feel guilty as she thought that he couldn't have done all that. My father before my mother died of sepsis at fifty nine, abused us both. And he started to threaten to smash my head into a wall and push me into the closet when I tried to leave. I can't blame him. He's worse from his senility. My bf gave me a place to stay because my father and his pals kicked me into a group home for lying that I hit him and caused s disturbance. After staying with my mom's ex that the cops sent me to Virginia with, a psychologist evaluated me, only to send me back to someone that my dad knew somewhat. Things were great until one nite during pizza, I said whatever. He smashed a plastic plate at me that hit his friend. I went to the bedroom and locked it. But threats and calling me bitch came towards the door with trying to smash it. His friend stuck up for him. Twice he twisted my writs, put his hands hard against my throat and jabbed my finger into my eyelid with my ring. I went to the er for the eyelid, he denied to the doctors and told them that I had done it. Another time, I used my stun gun on him because I was mad that he grabbed my wrist almost the third time. But he told cops that I attacked him. And also once in bed I tried to kill him. I woke up to find him twisting my wrist something fierce. Just recently, someone escaped a group home and I was introduced to this woman and only talked to her a few times. Only my bf wanted me to talk to her. The cops found her abd accused me off trying to escape with her to get away my from my bf. Not true. My bf forces me to have compliant sec with his uncle and fingered by his friends and or him while I was on the toilet. His friends have slapped my ass hard so I couldn't walk and my head, until I got a headache. He revebtky, cursed me to die for crying when he said that he would kick me out. I really want out. A social worker threatened my life portraying to leave him on my own terms and hating that fact that I write songs. I am scared. I don't want to stay for fifty yrs, at a group home or some thing worse an institution or priso, just for leaving him. The cops won't let me alone even at the library and lawyers don't believe also what I'm saying.
I was in an abusive relationship with my parents fighting all the time. And they were controlling of me and physically and emotionally abusive. My father was finally arrested for assaulting me sexually at 16 and started when I was 12. If I stay with him, he'll threaten to smash my head into the floor, push me into walls or closets or doors and abyse me sexually, as I gave similar right now living with my bf. My boyfriend has grabbed badly my wrists, throat and jabbed my ring into my eyelid. Every doctor, cop caseworker at the shelters all believed that I did all this to myself or I made all this up. That's what ever one believes by what my dad and my bf told them. The cops say if I run away which happened to a group home patient that my boyfriend and cops introduced me to that I could be arrested or sent to the group home or anywhere to be with my second cousin which also abused me and several of my neighbors that knew my dad were very controlling if what I did. I also was raped by a friend of my bf, threatened and hurt. WHEN I told the cops, they said that they would place custody over me to my abusive second cousin twice removed and she could kill me and they wouldn't care! Both my father and bf have violated my privacy on the toilet. When I didn't like my bf touching me peeing, he sent over his friend, another one to violate me several times and hit me and slap me, my bf also one night Sat on my glasses and refused to get up. I was crying one night and he blamed me for waking him. Cursed me and told me I should get cancer as another elderly grandma to him once told me. She stuck up for him and she too had her boyfriend of 65 abuse me through police sexually and emotionally draining me. I am afraid in Cherokee Village Arkansas to get out. If I do, I will be sent away for not being able to take care of myself. But I want to go to high school, be able to get a job and pass my learning permit to drive. I can't even get food stamps anymore, have my own cell phone to use in private or get new glasses or contacts. He always wants me to sit home and clean the house. He also forced his uncle on me sexually.Please, I knew him at 28 and I'm thirty and a half.
He has threw a plate that smashed his friend once, when all I said to him was whatever. His friend stuck up for him. Then I went to the bedroom and locked it. He tried to break the door down. And him and his friend called me a stupid crazy psycho bitch. And wanting to vacuum up the pieces.
I don't know whether I should be called emotionally abused, and I don't know where to start. I am 28 years old, no kids, and I have been on an 11 year relationship with my boyfriend that I rarely see, but with everyday communication thru texting and chat. We live like 30 minutes away from each other. All through 11 years, I have never met his parents, but his brothers know me, and my family has never met him also, but they know who he is. We go out on an average of twice per year.
I used to have a lot of male friends, but my closest friends are female. He would always get mad at me because I am "close" to guys. I studied IT in college, so majority of my class are guys. He would start getting mad at me whenever somebody would text me, even if it is an innocent text. When I started working, it became worse. I needed to report every single detail of my daily activities to him, or else he would get mad. Like I should say whether the person next to me in the bus is a male. Sometimes, I would skip several information like when I had breakfast with a group of officemates in the pantry and one of those was a male (also my classmate in college). But he would force the info out of me, and make me feel guilty for not saying it, telling me that I am a liar how could he trust me, etc. But the reason I kept those from him was because I know he will get mad at me. Then, I lost my job because of the recession. A few days after, my former officemate told me that there was job opening at her new company. I told my boyfriend, and the first thing he told me was "what if there are so many guys there?". And so I stopped working, up to now. I am being supported by my parents and I know that this isn't ideal, but I feel so afraid to work again, I feel afraid to even go out because he will say that I am on a date with someone else. I am even scared to ride the bus alone because a man might sit next me. I cannot even handle a business even online because the thought of being contacted by a man scares me.
This year it became even worse. We would be in a lot of fights thru text. Back in April, we were in an online game and of course there would be men there, but people that my boyfriend already knew. Once, I was asked by his friend if I would be going to my boyfriend's place because there was an occasion. I answered "of course not" jokingly. My bf got really mad at me, because he was saying that I was projecting that we are not okay. Then he said I'm stupid, I don't have brains, and I'm not thinking. A few days after that my dog got sick and she was given one month to live, and I told my bf. But he was mad, so he stopped talking to me for two months. I asked him why, he said, he couldn't show me he cares for me when he's mad, it's not his fault that he did that, because his mad and I should understand. Then this September, I got Chicken pox, and he we had an argument about something that's not a big deal. But he ended up saying "don't show that attitude to my family or else you'll get rejected." And I didn't replied. And he didn't bothered that I was sick, he never really made an effort to do something to make me feel better. When he texted me about 2wks after that, he was saying sorry, he wanted to be okay with me, but I was not able to reply as fast, and he was getting mad that I don't want to make peace with him. I never bothered confronting him again on why he neglected me when I was sick. Today, he was saying his pissed with someone who borrowed money from him, and I was explaining to him he should see the silver lining because while he lost his money, his friend (who borrowed) lost her mom. The money was used to pay hospital bills. I was telling him examples like people who got their house burned down but still thankful to have their families alive. He told me that there's no connection to his problem and he told me that I was not using my head. That I was really useless if I'm his wife, because I couldn't understand his point. And tells me to leave him, because he's all fed up. I haven't replied since.
I have nobody to talk to, because it makes me feel guilty talking about him( like I do right now). He has access to my social accts so I don't feel safe talking to my friends about it. Once I tried to tell one of my friends that he has changed (for the better), and then I went on to tell him that I told my friend that and he became angry because he says it's me saying that he was a bad person before. I want to leave him so bad, but I am in this position that I don't have any strength to do so because I have loved him so much, sacrificed and gave up so much (my career, my friends, my youth). I just don't know what my next step will be. I feel like I'm riddled with what if's. What if it changes tomorrow? What if it's all better next week? I also don't have any confidence to work anymore, I could not find the strength to stand on my feet.
By the way, he also tells me things like "it's okay if you lose consciousness from not eating just to be thinner". And he also complains that I'm not having sex with him that it's over the top to with hold sex because we're not married. He pushes me to send photos, and tells me that I should do it without him telling me to. He likes my hair long, and when the hairdresser accidentally cuts it shorter than what I told her, my bf got mad at me because I could not follow simple rules. I cannot add any male friends on facebook, just the ones he approves like his brother or cousin. I am in no contact with any male person I know except for my brother and dad. I avoid going out without my family, I never go out with my female friends because he will get suspicious. I am to report any detail like leaving the house. One time he also got mad because he's telling me I slept for 11 hrs. But when he's mad at me, he will go out to drinks without telling me. He would go for 2 months without me knowing what he did. He has female friends on facebook. He is in contact with females. He cheated on me once way back when we were first starting.
I am really sorry if my issue is less important than the others who are domestically abused. Mine is not physical, but it has been bugging me for quite some time now. I am not sure what to think of myself, whether I am overthinking this or not.
You are experiencing domestic abuse. It doesn't matter that he hasn't hit you YET. Eventually, if you stay, he will. From what you've written, the abuse is quite severe. Do not apologize; you've done nothing wrong. Yes, you are being abused.
My husband has beat me many of times and verbally abuses me. He cheats all the time and lies about everything. I also believe he is into even more things but he just lies and i can't prove it. I have been with him for 11 years and i love him but i want out but im scared. He is always threatening me.
Hi I am a 24 year old mixed race female and I have currently been in a relationship for 9 years although he has only been verbal abusive to me for 7 of those 9 years we have 3 children together aged 7,2,1 I was looking on google for some advice on how to get myself and my children out of this situation for 7 years I have had to listen to what he thinks about me saying I'm a fat black cunt I am a slag and a whore telling me to go and kill myself he spits at me etc but he has never hit me and to be honest I kind of believe what he says that nobody likes me and maybe I should commit suicide as I feel sometimes that is the only way out of this I really don't know who to turn to I am so scared x
http://thehotline.org (NDVH) is your best option. They can tell you where to turn in your local area. Your boyfriend is treating you terribly and abusively. If you were all the things he says, then why is he still with you? The answer is you are NOT those things and he says them to keep you under control, doubting your ability to live a valuable life without him.
He's full of Sh!+, Kara. Call the NDVH or visit the website I gave you. They'll tell you the same.
Hi II have been on and off with my partner for 9 yes now I moved in after aa few years it was calm happy then when I said something to him and he didn't like what I said he would say its in my head call me a dick head tell me if I wasn't happy pack and fuck off but its not what he wants he's hit me put me down but I love him loads and the sex is good and find it hard to leave for good while he's still in my mind and think that the sex was great would I get any better is it my fault I find myself saying sorry alot too my stomach starts turning over in itself I have pulled my hair banged my head on walls so why do I love him and can't leave scared of also being alone please explain in detail
Hi there. I just wanted to comment. Today is the day. I am leaving my emotionally abusive fiance. I have been with this man for 14 years. He left when i was pregnant. Left me with nothing. For 3 yrs i never heard a word from him. And one day like that he was back in our lives. Right from the day he came back it was back to an emotional rollercoaster. He has laid his hands on me a few times. He drinks a ton. He constantly belittles me. Screams and curses infront of our now 9 yr old daughter. Throws tempertantrums when im too tired to cook/clean. I work a full time job and a 2 hr commute. He doesnt work and his family supports him. I get no respect from his family. As they think im the problem. My daughter now has anxiety attacks when he starts on me. I have been raped in my own home by one of his bestfriend. But yet he accused me of being a whore.. kicked me out and with held my daughter for 3 months from me. Until he finally realized i was telling the truth. He still throws the rape in my face. So I have packed my little car full.. school is informed i will be taking her out and picking her up. But i find myself still hesitent to leave. I am more worried for my daughter. As she doesnt need to witness his abuse to words me. She has told me she is scared of daddy. And thats when i drew the line. She is my light and joy and i hope one day she sees that i left for her safety and her mental health. But im still scared..
Hi ya'll, I went to live with my husband in the UK but after only a few days the verbal abuse started and i thought it was just my fault. One day we were in town and i asked him where i should take taxi when i start working as i was new to the country and he just started swearing at me i felt so ashamed. He got out of the car and was still cursing and a man was standing there, the man turn to me and said don't let him treat you like that i felt like i just wanted the earth to swallow me. When he came back the man said to him he should not treat women like that and he said to the man you did not hear what she was saying to me. We got back in the car and he said i always draw attention i wanted people to feel sorry for me and i am useless if he was suppose to hold my hand and show me everything. So from that day i started walking to and from training then i started walking to and from work when i got the job until i got pay to buy a bus pass. When i got my first wage he looked at it and said i was making more than he was so he gave me most of the bills to pay plus i had family back home and a child in the US i had to take care of. He would make sure i buy the most expensive food even if i could get the exact thing from a cheaper store he would say no he does not shop anywhere else. I started making friends and i felt like i was going crazy because of how he was treating me so i told a co worker and she told me to stop doing everything he bids. So i tried i told him i wont spend all my money in the house i have responsibilities and he knew that before i came over he then started to blackmail me telling me he wont sign the papers for me to stay in the country. So i obeyed him and do whatever he wanted. We would have sex 6 out of 7 nights i start work at 6am and leave at 3 to cook then i go back at 6pm and leave at 12am so i was tired as hell most nights. But my dear husband said he wanted sex 2 times daily so i had to do it or else. Then i guess he saw i was still serviving so he said he wanted it 3 times a day now even though i could not even keep my eyes open sometimes i forced myself. He saw i was still strong so he called the police on me one night. I was upststairs reading when he told me some people was there to see me i thought one of my co workers but when i saw the police i started laughing i said to him who is here to see me one of the officers took me to one room and one took him to another. The officer told me my husband said i threatened him with a knife and the had to take me out of the property, i could do nothing else but laugh i tolf the police he was lying but they put me out anyway. My husband knew i had no family here i was standing at the gate but the officer said i cant stay there but my neighbour was a nice nosy person so she asked the police what was going on but he ignored her so i told her. She told the officer my husband was the abusive one in that house and they should lock him up he is wicked and god will take care of him. She said i should stay at her house and the police left i was there with her and her family and they just could not believe he had gone this far. She said there must be a way to get my papers without him but i had spoken to a solicitor before and she said i had to stay with him. Anyway that night he called me and told me to come back but now i know whst he can do to me if i dont do what he wants. When i got home he said i should take my clothes off i did not want to because of what he did to me so he threaten to call the police on me again. That was the day i realized i was with a evil person. Now he told me i should cut down my hours at work because i should be home when he gets home so i would go at 6am leave at 6pm and he was happy with that then he would see his kids once a week so he told me that on that day u should walked the street til 9.30 pm when he drops her home he would call me tocome home. So i did that for 4 wks til one night the whether was bad and i looked at my life i had back home how people use to admire me now look how i am living and i told myself no more. I moved out because he thought i had nowhere to go, when 1 wk passed he texted asking me to come home then 2 wks he said he was gonna write home office and tell them i left and we are done so my friend told me to gi back. I went back he was good for awhile then he was back to the devil i knew that night he asked me for my wage slips i told him i wont give them to him so when i was coming down the stairs he pushed me down and i hurt my foot and could not go to work, so i decided i was gonna leave and go back home because now he hit me. The other night i slept downstairs he came there and forced himself on me and hit me, so i called the police and told them he raped me and they saw my face before i did and they locked him up and put me in a hostel. They started helping me with my immigration problem and i went to stay with my friend at her house. When i was about to get my indefinate leave he phoned me and begged me to drop the charges as he was now going to church he know now what he did to me was wrong i should just tell them i lied and things will be better. So like a fool i told the police i lied and i wrote a letter to home office telling them i lied and i was going back ti my husband. We got back together he said he wanted us to renew our vows he wanted us to go on holidays he wanted us to go to church all the things he knew would change my mind. We were happy for about 3 months then he said he needed a baby from me, i was really worried but after a lot of pleading from him i said ok. It was taking some time so he told me ti go to doctor to speed it up and i did. But when i got to the doctor i found out i was already pregnant he was happy. But now i know it was all a plan to trap me. I had to stop working i was really sick in snd out of hospital, he treated me great until it got to the point where i could not get an abortion he started treating me like dirt forcing me for sex kicking me off the bed if i was too sick to do it, squeezing my fingers til my ring would cut me. Then he would start shouting that i was violent and lie and everyone knows it now. He would go abroad and leave me without letting me know where he was going plus he would not call to see if i was ok even though i had a high risk pregnancy and was on drips. But thanks to god i had a healthy baby girl. The day i got out with the baby he said we should separate because i treat him like a child and he feels like a prisoner. I went to my room and i cried and asked god what did i do of what did thr baby do to deserve this life. My husband had trapped me so bad. Only a week had passed when i gave birth and he wanted sex so i told him the doctirs yold me to wait atleast 3months because i got tear. He said i always use sex against him and why should he be married if he cant get sex abd walked out. The next morning he said he wanted me and the baby out so i should find somewhere so i told him this was his plan and i was gonna tell everybody the truth. He said i should tell them no one will believe me because i told them i lied. I was breastfeeding the baby and he grabbed my free hand and twist it behind my back and i told him he was hurting me and he said i shoukd go call the police. A few nights after i told him i was gonna leave he said he was gonna tell home office i moved out then i wont get my papers. Then he hit me and told me to call the police then he will call home office. Please dont be like me thinking they can change they can only get worse i am back to square one plus with a baby and no money so if he says jump i of to i dont know when i will ever be free.
I've been in a relationship for over 10 years now, we have no kids which I thank God for so there not suffering. Its more mental abuse he has hit me in the past got a knife to me, but now its more mental abuse he swears at me calls my family names, I'm white British and he's Pakistani and hes calls me names racist spits at me says I'm no good I'll be no body with out him. He's has problems with drugs so I'm thinking maybe if he was to stop them he might change he can be nice at times, but most times abusive slams doors talks to himself threatens my family. And I dont know what to do anymore I'm scared I don't no what to do.
Why o Why does everyone always say leave "him" or "he" will etc etc?? Yes most are men but Women are nasty too??
Most abuse victims are women; that's why most writers use the feminine pronouns when discussing abuse victims. Try not to take it personally and change the feminine to masculine where necessary. women have done this for centuries as the masculine pronouns are the "accepted" form of describing "mankind."
I have been with my partner 24 years since I was 17 .we have 2 sons who are autistic .over the years he's controlled everything I have done .bought a house wouldn't put my name on it has thrown me out hit me .shouts at me constantly and talks to me like I'm dirt .he also drinks and gets violent .doesn't support me with the kids blames me for the way they are .I just don't no why I can't leave I don't even think I love him anymore .today I woke up crying cause he had a drink last night and smashed the house up .he's woken up and drinking again asked him to stop and he's told me to leave and very aggressive to me .I have no family I can go to and really don't no what too do.i just want a peaceful life .
Hi iv been with my bf 4 7years an he is violent towards me an da home he calls me names he has even tried 2 stab choke an hammer my knees we have a 2year old who he uses as a weapon every time he starts he tells me 2 get out an that I'm not going 2 c my son I have no family as my parents live in ireland an he would get me done 4 kidnap I feel like im traped da flat is in his name an its used against me I have no where 2 go an I won't leave my son
I think I'm in a abusive relationship, it's more mentally and emotional. I have been with him nearly 6 years, I'm currently 23 and feel as if I have no life. I don't know what to do! He callings me names, tells me that I'm fat and I'm lucky to have him. He goes through my phone all the time, he shouts when I go on Facebook, if I get a message from a friend he says who that's, what do they want. If I want to meet with friends he goes mad and tells me that I'm not going. But he does what he wants to. He always accuses me of cheating, he threatens my family. I don't know how much more I can put up with but I scared because I don't know what to do.
Hi, 3 yrs back when my son was 1 yr; a man 26 yrs and junior at work walked into my life. I was not in happiest of marriage but my husband respected me a lot. This karthik, who works for a big IT company in US with branches in india, pursued me despite me telling him no. He kept saying I deserved to b happier. I left for Canada from US and he visits me 7 times from US. Since I am a senior to him at work, he made sure he got all advantages from me. . After I moved back to US , he a died that I leave my son in india for a while as he needed time with me. By this time I started trusting him and liking him. He treated me his wife tho he never married me... last October 2014 we decided to go-to india for vacation... first day he landed he dint call... next day he says his mom forced him to get engaged to a cousin... I was so shocked ... till a day back he made live to me and the next day in india he says yes to another girl.. I made up my mind to stay positive and I believed in his live ... so I asked him to come to US after vacation. We both went back and in Dubai he wasceaiting for me with a gold bracelet ... he kissed me and then he started living with me again as my husband . .. but he wouldn't break his engagement. I told him that I cannot take him living with me and talking to that girl.. she would talk when his mom would call him and force him to talk... things went on and then from April 2015 he started hitting me.. it is mainly becoz I confront him so I th of its my mistake... from hitting to choking to blood on face scars on hand.. I bore it all in name of love and fear of being alone and lost ... I th of he would see my love and change... I became pregnant ... he was not celebrating and he would say things like how bad mom I am and I shuts kill that baby.... I had given him a lot of gifts .. I told him I needed it back.. he became so mad and said he wanted me dead and tried to kill me... I pleaded him... he would be so angry and just hit and hit ... no consideration of baby. I finally wsnted to give his gifts back to him becoz I don't want him to yearn for it...but I found out that he stole the gift from the place ... now he robs? Who was I to him? How can he treat me like this and get away? He wanted to travel back for his marriage... I accompanied him .... till Dubai.. in the flight he threatens to hit me again... I'm so broken .... I loved him do much I have his baby ... live me and nothing to him? Am I so worthless? I am so successful at work ... in personal he s made me a 0..worst part I miss him ... I need help...
Hello everyone ive been in an abusive relationship for 8 years we have 4 children together my youngest is 3 months old. Things to me have got worse each year. And here i am 26 yrs old still trying to hold on to relationship thats been gone a long time ago. Ive changed so much over the years ive gained so much weight and he calls me fat constantly. My attitude has changed drastically and i dont even talk to friends or family like i used to. Ive lost so much because of him cars, apartments, jobs, friends, family you name it. My family cant stand him my brothers want to fight him every time they see him its total chaos. He is bipolar and shizophrenic and i know its not an excuse but in some strange way i feel sorry for him..when i get the courage to leave and he knows it he tries his best to make me stay and it works every time. We have seperated several times in 8 years but still try... but i am at a point right now where im so tired of all of his bs especiall with baby number 4 and he still hasnt changed and my oldest son is finna be 8 years old and not to mention there all boys..i dont want them ro grow up thinking its ok to treat women like this thats why its a MUST i leave. I love him but i love my boys more. I just hate the fact that we were a great family at first then he just changed started hitting me kicking me punching me u name he has done it....i just cant do this anymore im ready to leave soooo bad..but i am really glad i found this site it really gave me more hope.it feels good to know and to hear your not alone. God Bless you ladies i wish you all peace,happiness,courage, and hope.
I've been with my partner for 1 and a half years now.... I'm pregnant with his 2nd child (my 3rd) lately the shouting has become horrendous, he calls me thick/stupid/dumb, threatens to break my jaw, swill me, smash me through a window, locks me in so I can't leave to get away from it. Yesterday he took it to a whole new level and grabbed my hair then my throat and dragged me round his yard. I hear a lot when reading story's about similar cases that they cant apologize enough soon after, he didn't apologize once, I'm confused by this. We've just had another argument and I'm so scared, he's very dangerous and I'm to scared to call the police as I know what he will do.
My ex never apologized for his physical violence. Or his verbal/emotional violence for that matter. He found a way to make it my fault. The apologetic, "honeymoon" worthy aspect of domestic violence doesn't always exist. Sometimes there is no break.
You are in great danger, Bex. Not only has he choked you, but the abuse is escalating. Please call the NDVH or visit their website at http://thehotline.org for help and support. They can help you figure out what to do about calling the police and other safety precautions.
Ive been in an abusive relationship with my husband for 6yrs. Time and time again he's said that he would change but ir never sticks. I just had our 3rd child and it seems like the abuse started back up immediately after having her. Hes choked me infront of uyr middle child, and i feel stupid for staying. I dont understand or jnow why i stay, i hope he will change but i really dont see it anymore. Hes threatened to take our new child away from me and i just dont know what to do anymore. He calls me names, always says im cheating and beats on me. Just tonight hes thrown me across the room l, punched me, chiked me, and tried to kick me in the head while i was down. What person stays with this? In the past he use to say sorry and make empty promises to stop but he doesnt even do that anymore. I feel broken and like theres nothing left. If i could die i would, but i have 3 children that need me so i stay alive. I feel hopeless and really dont know what to do. If i leave he will come for me and if i stay he will continue to abuse me...
Dawn, your question "what person stays with this?" shows misplaced blame. Your behavior is not in question. There are loads of studies that give reasons why abuse victims stay. (I know they don't help you right now, but there are reasons why you stay!)
The real question is "why would this person abuse me?" The abuse is his doing; his fault. Not yours.
Call the NDVH or visit the website at http://thehotline.org. Talk to the volunteers to feel better and get info about helping agencies in your area.
Dawn, I don't have to tell you your situation is past dangerous. You can't protect the children from this on your own. You need the help of a safety plan, law enforcement (perhaps a restraining order), and a support network. The NDVH can help you with a support network. Here is a safety plan: http://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/safety-planning/ Scroll to the bottom of the article to download it for free.
I'm also in an abusive relationship with the father of my only child. He calls me names and tries to belittle me, both privately and publicly, pretty much every single day of the week... In front of our son most times. Every single door in my home has been broken off of the hinges, including the front door which now is very difficult to keep closed, and every room in my house remnants of the turmoil, from the holes in the walls to the broken tables, etc. But you know what? I am still standing. Even through all of the lies, violence, and the abuse - WE ARE ALL STILL STANDING.
I just happened to be on Google looking for inspiration that will help me leave because I plan on leaving with my son in approximately one month, but what I found were the heartfelt pleas of too many women going through exactly the same thing that I am going through; if not worse. It is wrong for us to judge anyone's decisions to leave or stay because each person's life is their own to live. I have watched my family cry for me when I had no tears left to cry... But please know this- Tonight my tears are falling for all of you! I am so sorry for what you have had to endure. NO ONE deserves to be victimized; especially by someone who claims to love them. We are all BEAUTIFUL, We are all STRONG, and We are all WORTHY OF LOVE.
Deciding to leave was not an option I considered until recently. It all started when my husband called me a liar and assaulted me in front of our 16 month old son. Not only was I being completely honest, but as I caught myself from falling, I looked over and saw my son's beautiful chestnut eyes staring into mine, and for the first time, I struck my husband back, right in the face. This was the point when I knew that I had finally had enough. I am taking responsibility as a mother and not allowing this to continue in front of my son any longer.
I know these situations are different for every single person; and I am not saying that leaving is going to be an easy task if that is what you decide to do; but I am praying for each and every single one of you; not praying for anything in particular, but simply for HOPE. This is the only thing that will ever make you strong enough to give yourself the LOVE, APPRECIATION and RESPECT that YOU DESERVE. Obviously, these people who claim to love us are not showing us genuine love, but instead hatred; so it is time that we start loving ourselves enough to hope for brighter days, better futures, and better families for us and especially our children.
I am currently a full-time student pursuing my doctorate. I have no money saved, and I do not work much more than freelance jobs because of my demanding school schedule, but I am going to find a way to give my son and myself the life that we both deserve. I never knew there were so many others out there suffering this madness! This is the first time I have ever been in a situation like this and after 3 years I know that I do not want to sign up for even one more year. Please, if you want to leave and have made up your mind, God will make a way. If anyone needs any support or just someone to talk to, please contact me asap: mrs.fredmarvel[at]gmail.com
I have been in this relationship for 12 yrs and my kids father have been abusing me. He me call name, treaten me. TELL Me that im nothing tell me what to do blame me for what went wrong in his life. Every job that I had I got to be messing with the co work (cheating) go though my phone get mad when I go on media site like glide facebook and there days wear he come in my room to talk and say hate for thing to me . I 7 months pregnant to its just crazy I want out
I started to expect the worst and that's exactly what I get. Now when he's kind I feel like it's so dishonest. I have alienated everyone from my life to stay with a man that cheats on me, beats me, belittles me, lies to me (yet calls me a liar). One minute he tells me he loves me than in the exact same breath he's calling me names and taunting me. I cry silently in the bathroom multiple times a day. I've thought about running away, I've thought about killing myself. I know this isn't right but than why am I still here? Why can't I end it? Is it me? I always wonder? My trust issues are so bad that I don't have a job, I don't go out with my friends or family. I go days without eating because I have so much anxiety. I've had several miscarriages over the past year. I've put everything I have into this. I've racked up 1000s in debt to keep him satisfied. I've sold myself in the sex trade to put money in his hands. I have sex with him every times he asks but when I ask I'm needy. If I call him while he's out I'm needy. Even now in the moment at 2am when my husband hasn't come home and his phone is off I am calm and sick to my stomach and wishing and praying to God to please let it stop even for a second, for 5 minutes...
I just left my husband after 18 years. I couldn't stand the abuse. I have no cash, a dog and cats and an unsafe vehicle. I'm finding that there is no help and I'm not sure what to do. I have no family. The local shelters can't help because I have pets and I refuse to give them up. Any suggestions?
Have you filed a report with the police? If you qualify for a restraining order, they will move him out of the house and you can get back in. Don't feel bad for the abuser. Typically, THEY have friends who can help them out. You're married, so that helps. If you're unemployed, he may have to pay alimony. Get yourself to the magistrate's office or courthouse or sheriff's office or wherever you need to go to apply for that restraining order.
Then, check with the city pound because sometimes they will house animals of domestic violence victims for you. If they don't, look into local "no kill" shelters and ask them if they can house your pets for now. Last resort? Call veterinarians and kennels and ask for help. You won't know unless you try.
Put up signs, ask friends and acquaintances. If no one will house them, you're going to have a tough start because you can't leave them in the vehicle while you work, either. But you know this.
Start scouting around for a place to park your vehicle that is safe and as close to the bus lines as you can get. In NC, the job search center gave me free bus passes for the three months I was homeless. They also provide help creating resumes and applying for work.
You also know that having no cash is a big issue (to say the least). Go to the department of social services and apply for food benefits and section 8 housing. You may be able to apply online, so check it out at the library. While you're there, check out the local nonprofits to see where you could apply for help. Check out when the free meals are offered and where the kitchens are located. Save as much money as you can using the services available to you. If you're a military veteran, there's help for you through them, too.
Ellie, you may have to prepare to accept living out of your vehicle for a while. Every program I ran across is SLOW to help. There's often a waiting list. If you don't have a job right now, get one as soon as possible. Anywhere. Doing anything morally acceptable. It doesn't have to be perfect for you, it just needs to be for now. If you can afford it, look at weekly hotel rates. If you can get into a rental house, do that immediately. Again, share your story with the landlord - you may be surprised at what some people will do to help you.
Find out if there's a place you can shower. For the price of a sermon, I could shower every other day at a nonprofit for the homeless.
It's a tough road. It's also worth it to get out from under the abuse. Go through the courts and have him removed from the house if you can. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I have been in a relationship for seven years. He is controlling, manipulative and can be very mean, but he can be so charismatic around strangers/people he doesn't know well. He has been verbally abusive for a while and most recently became physically abusive. He's pinned me to the bed during an argument in an attempt to get me to stay, he threatened to cut my hair off in my sleep and he tried to put gum in my hair once because he didn't like the fact that I was blowing bubbles with my gum. He's made "jokes" about knowing where to bury my body in the woods near his country house if he needed to. He also said long ago that if he ever hit me, I wouldn't leave him, I probably would just not speak to him for a month. A few days ago he asked me to help him with something and I asked if it was going to take a long time. He snapped, jumped up, pushed me off the bed to floor, and came over to my side as I stood up and started screaming in my face to get out of his house (we don't live together). He kept pushing me, he threw my shoes out into the hallway and pushed me out of the front door. I haven't spoken to him since. I know that I don't deserve to be treated like this but I'm afraid that I'm not strong enough to leave the relationship.
You are strong enough to stay away. You've got a good start, Mara. Don't give up that lead.
If I'm too late in this encouragement to stay away, remember that most people leave up to 7 times before they stay away. The pull is strong. The physical violence is out of control. You're bound to get hurt worse if you stay, emotionally and physically.
Visit http://thehotline.org and chat with the volunteers there. They will help you.
I am a 20 yr old who has been in a relationship with an abuser for about a year and a half now. He has done both physical and verbal and threatened to shoot me with a 12 gauge. I have lied to my family and the police. He promises to change. He has panic disorder and PTSD. I am planning to leave but I also feel like I will never heal. I feel so bad about myself like I am a loser, stupid idiot who will be alone forever. Even if he is not around to harm me, I feel like I will harm myself.
Mia, I hope you can get into therapy for the urges to hurt yourself. Everything you've been through and the lies you've told are normal for a victim of domestic violence. You are in danger - I can tell by his actions. Don't stay with someone because they have a mental illness and you feel bad for them - the illness isn't your fault and you don't deserve to be his punching bag.
I'm 24 he upsets me he said he will take my baby's I have my 3on the way I need out
Try this: http://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/safety-planning/ Scroll down the article to the bottom and download it for free.
Seriously why is so hard for me to leave, im still in love with him, why do i still love someone like this. He has promised to chnage his behavior hundreds of times. How can he treat me like this, ive tried everything, he knows what he is doing but refuses help. He has tol much pride. My rherapist says hes controlling, manipulative and mind fucking me. Whatever that means. He has throw things at me, yelled in my face, called me various names, its been an emotional roller coaster ride and i miss the old him. I told him how i felt about him treating me and he said my feelings were belittling him. I have an apartment waiting for me, but i asked for my money back, why cant i leave, what is wrong with me?
I was in a 15 yr abusive relationship and was physically abused and more mentally. I found the courage to leave and stayed single for 4 yrs . I then met a guy 15 yrs younger and once again after a yr he started abusing me . I have now been with him 4 yrs and the mental abuse is worse than before . He tells me I'm fat I'm ugly I'm old nobody will want me . I'm 40 and devastated and blame myself because it's the 2nd time . I'm so stupid and don't know how to cope . I had my mum wen my first relationship ended . She's passed away now and I'm so alone
I am in an abusive marriage and as I age I find making decisions harder and harder no matter how much support I have it is frustrating.I have a disability that makes it harder to make a decision .I have a chance to leave and my brain "freezes".I went to my doctor who increased my meds but it is not helping at the moment.The lady who owns the place I would move to is a pressure salesperson I swear...needs an answer NOW not days from now when my brain comes to..I am working with the local domestic abuse shelter,my therapist who gets frustrated with me. doctors etc and my brain just basically can't decide to make a sandwich let alone leave..which is ridiculous..what is wrong with me? No one gives me an answer and I get frustrated and more upset with myself.Any ideas ?The name is fictitious the e-mail is real.
I'm not a doctor or psychiatrist, but brain freezes (inability to make a decision) is a common symptom of depression. If you're already on antidepressants, then that is helpful. Look into ways to cope with anxiety (depression's best buddy). When I get a brain freeze it feels more like anxiety than depression. Breathe deeply and remind yourself that few decisions are not final - there are ways to negotiate within them once made. Follow your gut.
I am A young mom experiencing abuse. I have known my boyfriend 2 years..we have a 9 month old son, I'm also pregnant. I don't know how much longer I can take the consistent physical abuse in my life. I have no idea why I can't except the idea that we will never work. I am scared and I feel worthless. I am a small girl and even writing this I feAr that I can't ever leave. I know I need to make a decision but inside I hope somehow it'll get better. I am sick of his bullshit yet I'm coward to move out and admit to my family what's going on.. Will it get better... Idk but all I ask God for is a chance to make my home a safe environment for my kids.. Please please I need advice.
Hi! My boyfriend for 14months now who's in canada for work (we're in LDR) observed maltreatment from his father when he was young. He was the best boyfriend ever. In the first few months of our relationship when he was still here in Philippines, he was so nice. He introduced me to his family and promised he he's going to marry me when he get back from Canada after 2 years. He started saying Im slut, whore on our 6th month. He is hot tempered person. When he gets mad, he says everything that could hurt me. He even says something abt my mom and sister. He started being like that when he started
working in Canada. all the trash talk happened in chat box.. never wen he was here. I dont know if I was verbaly abused or what, I love him despite how mean he is.. even if he took me for granted. yeah, he saves
money for us to get married but that does not allow him to hurt me. right? I still have the thought of giving him chance.. Should I give him change? will he change? Thanks! :)
If he's that bad while away from you, he'll be worse when you're together. My outlook for change is not good.
My partner is in prison and has been for a year for physical abuse on me while I was pregnant. I'm still with him. I'm being controlled in every way imaginable. I can't even go out the front of my house. He used to choke me, punch me, kick me, throw me through walls, pull my hair while I was driving and punch me and threaten to kill me I believe he could. Now he is in jail he finds other ways of sucking my soul out I visit him every day all day on weekends, when I gave birth I had to be there to visit him that day. I have to send him 5 emails every 10 minutes. I'm not allowed a computer I'm not allowed friends I'm only allowed to speak to my mum. I have to do my food shopping online with my phone. I don't know how to leave him or if I even can. Where would I start? I can't live like this I'm only 22. I have two kids and I'm alone. And somehow I am always wrong and he is always right. I suppose I just want to take my kids to the park and be able to have a normal life. I am his prisoner. He has 2 months left. That gives me two months to sort myself out before a lifetime of destitute. I am so nervous because I don't know how he will be.
Stop doing what he wants you to do and live your life. In the meantime, find a way to get to your mum's house and stay with her. Go get a restraining order that will be delivered to him in prison. Be prepared for the day he gets out, be safe as you can be, and make sure EVERYONE knows he is not welcomed at your mum's house (neighbors, family members, etc.)
I'm in a abusive relationship. I guess I always knew from the beginning. Back then he was always so sorry now I'm a stupid bitch, his favorite thing to say. He cheats and he beats me, not everyday but he's hurt me badly a few times. I always feel like it's me or if I did this out wouldn't of happened. I can't leave and I don't know why. I can't bare the pain that comes with a break up. I've only been in two relationships but when the first ended it just about killed me. I ended up in a mental hospital. So I'm terrified of that feeling and I'll put up with this abuse to avoid it. I don't trust him he not only cheated but with my friend and countless others but he has actually fallen for a couple of them and blamed me. That gets me the most because I end up comparing and obsessing about them together. I'm in hell and I wish it was my time honestly. Life is to hard for me I'm not going to do anything but if I didn't have him I don't know what I'd do. What is wrong with me?
I am glad I found this site
I have been with my partner for 6 years . We each have a child each so 2 between us , he has taken my child on as his own and is a good dad .
He is a very negative person , we both work but he earns a lot more than I do and this is constantly thrown in my face , I am expected to pay most bills out of my wage and rarely allowed to buy myself anything . He has completely shut down in recent years . He has not paid me a single compliment or said a positive thing to me in years and shows me absolutely no affection or love . He is very cold and emotionless and gets angry easily . He withholds sex and has not initiated sex in a very very long time . He makes me feel worthless and he shows me no respect , he does not support any thoughts or decisions I may have about a career or life choice I may want to make for myself .He does not physically abuse me , I trust that he would not cheat ,he provides for the household . We bought a House recently and he refused to have my name on the title . He uses this to tell me I will have no where to go and no money if I leave. I have friends, I have in the past also had admirers (other male attention that I have not acted on ) All his friends like me , I'm well liked and bubbly, and get along with everyone well but he does not get along with any of my friends or family and tries to stop me from seeing them . Lately even his closest friends have been telling him that he needs to treat me better , his best friend recently had a massive argument with him over his treatment of me . I believe his issues are from his childhood after one of his parents died and the other went into a deep depressive state for many years and neglected to be a positive role model in his life .
I love him , when we first met he was very different and I know he is capable of love and affection so I guess this I why I stay. I keep thinking he will change although I'm at breaking point now . I'm at rock bottom and I know deep down that I don't deserve to be treated like this and that I can do better . I need to decide weather I leave or weather I stay and try to help him seek some help .
I worry about my child as he is her dad in every way other than blood and I worry how I'll cope finically . I'm also embarrassed that I can't keep this relationship , I feel shame that I'm not good enough and feel my friends and family may think the same .
I feel lost .