Leaving An Abusive Relationship: Why Can’t I Just Leave?

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hi my name is patti and we have a 1 year old son and ithink that the only reason why he is still with me he hits me he puts me down he tells me all the time he will find a better women when I do every thing for him !! he goes out he goes to the bar he smokes but I cant do nothing with out getting questions .??? idk what to do I feel like I'm stuck and I'm misserble I'm so upset I love him but he is hurting me emotionaly I don't feel pretty no more

hi my name is patti and we have a 1 year old son and ithink that the only reason why he is still with me he hits me he puts me down he tells me all the time he will find a better women when I do every thing for him !! he goes out he goes to the bar he smokes but I cant do nothing with out getting questions .??? idk what to do I feel like I'm stuck and I'm misserble I'm so upset I love him but he is hurting me emotionaly I don't feel pretty no more

Having read this I thought it was very informative.
I appreciate you taking the time and effort to put this article together.
I once again find myself personally spending a
lot of time both reading and leaving comments. But so what, it was still worth it!

I discovered this website after searching for verbal abuse online. I have found so many similarities in a lot of the comments left here with my own experience.
I met a guy over a year ago, and we started seeing each other. There were red flags, but I chose to ignore them. He would flirt with waitresses, for example. I would call him out on it, and he would excuse it away and say he didn't mean anything by it. Yet, he would continue with this behavior..
Then the name calling started. When he would get upset, he would call me a cheater, liar, hypocrite, negative, etc. He doesn't consider this particular name calling verbal abuse because he said he's not swearing. He also has made a habit of putting me down. And recently he said he hopes I get AIDS. He also yells at me, talks over me, and makes a habit of interrupting. He's told me to "shut up" and said, "screw you!" And.... all the while he's telling me he loves me....go figure?
In the past when I told him I wanted out of the relationship, he would apologize and tell me that he was going to change. Guess what? He would eventually do it again.
Nearly two months ago, I decided I had had enough of the emotional abuse. I was experiencing anxiety, loss of sleep, and excessive hair loss.....I'm still losing a lot of hair. Has this happened to anyone else? I'm sure this is all stress related due to his abusive behavior. My blood pressure is even high! No person is worth jeopardizing my health for! I don't want to have a stroke or heart attack on account of him.
Anyway, he has contacted me saying he's going to change for good this time. I told him most abusers don't change (they can....but many choose not to). He told me to give him a chance to prove them wrong. At this point, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I told him I need my space and he's respecting my wishes. It feels so so very good not having to deal with his immature behavior!!
I forgot to mention that the two of us are in our early 50s. And I have never had a partner call me names. I was very confused by it all so that is why I had to search for this particular behavior because I knew it felt wrong.
You may wonder why I got involved with this guy to begin with. Well, he was sweet at times. He would buy me flowers and gifts. He would take me to dinner and the movies as well. I never really experienced any of that in earlier relationships so I felt "loved".
However, I'm no longer willing to give up my peace and well-being for dinner and flowers. I'll buy my own freakin' dinner and flowers!
No one should have to tolerate abuse. Every human being has value! And each one of us should not let another individual (man or woman) determine our worth!
(((HUGS to you all)))

Thank you for this article. Yes you are right plan when you are in joyful mood rather than sad mood. My husband abuse me beat me. Being a working woman not possible to tolerate this type of violence. Sometime I think of murdering him. But when I think of my children I step backwards. J have financial problem also. Please help me as my husband is not working for last 2 years almost.

I appreciate this article. It is extremely hard in many cases to leave abusers. Some stay out of love but I’ve stayed Soley out of fear. I own my home and my boyfriend has “rights” since he lives here. He won’t leave and the law requires a 30 day eviction notice to get him out of my home plus an additional three days if he still doesn’t leave. Each of these notices are ones that I have to give to him prior to a court date. This would not go over well and would only intensify the situation.

Our marriage lacked understanding, it was like every normal marriage as long as I didn't say anything that my husband disagreed with or win an argument. Am always trying to know the ins and outs of his life as his wife, and it turned into a huge blow-out. Our divorce wasn't really about our lack of understanding according to my therapist, it was as a result of a spiritual separation. She introduced me to Dr. AMIGO for spiritual reconciliation/understanding, proper healing and cleansing of wounds left by husband. My therapist was so honest to me and never wanted to waste my time, she saw that I have been living in pain with my devastating marriage and my heart has ached for years.I was in dire need of permanent solution from Dr. AMIGO after he assured me of smooth and easy result within 72 hours immediately the spell is done. Like the honest man he is, Doc. proved my therapist right and brought back my husband exactly the way I wanted. My time with Dr. AMIGO was so magical, I never knew anyone has the power to unit a broken home and heal a broken heart. Thanks to my therapist {Theresa} and Dr. Amigo for making us a better couple and example to a younger generation, Google his name as "Dr Amigo the online spell caster" for a review of his numerous articles.
Website www.amigospellhome.com

HOW TO GET YOUR EX BACK AFTER BREAK UP
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Im laying here with my 4 children in a motel running away from boyfriend but he kepts massaging me saying sorry for putting his hands around my neck and doing it all infront of are little kids but there still apart of me that wants to stay because i feel bad that im taking the kids away idk what to do plz help i need advice

We have a 5year old together who he adores and I have a 15 year old daughter. We have been together for 12 years. He doesn’t make enough money but gets mad I work as a freelance stylist. I have hours that I can’t control. He helps with the kids and cooks cleans and helps drive when he gets home from work. I’m exhausted and so is he I do equal to him if not more. He doesn’t hit me but yells and screams if I leave a pot in the sink or lashes out and has a poor me attitude. He humiliated me in public is always in a rush with road rage and mad and angry. He says it’s because of me and I don’t do enough at home. I’ve hired a cleaning lady and he would find something else to put me down over. He has a poor me attitude n threatens our relationship to leave me and talks over me and doesn’t want to take blame. He calls me names. I feel insecure and I really think things would not be better if everything was perfect aka his way. That’s not life. And I’m sick of the explosive behavior and then a switch like nothing happend. I wake up wondering if he is gonna be mean or nice. I do so much everyday and I can’t live with someone who has a poor me attitude and looks at me like I’m nothing I appreciate the help with cleaning and cooking but not worth him treating me like crap. He is a great guy but tension builds and he’s explosive to me and my older daughter. He goes at it with her back and forth like he is a teen to and provoking if she has an attitude when she shouldn’t. I’m so stressed. Is this abusive behavior?

Loved your article. Am in an abusive marriage and want to leave. Its been 6 years and things have escalated. Abusing me and my family in the worst of language. Belittling me, daily putting me down. Calling me a terrible mom. He makes things as difficult as possible, trying to force me to quit my job. Tried very hard to get control over my finances but I always resisted that. He hits me now, tries to choke me, punches me. Am pregnant and still punches my legs n arms, twists my arms, abuses me verbally. In public am the best wife but each day is a horror story. I am to blame for all his failures, each fight is provoked by me only. And yes he never helped with our first child. Whether feeding, getting up at nights, etc it was always me. He never buys anything for our daughter. All her clothes, diaper etc I purchase. I feel so drained, lifting a finger requires effort. This lack of energy has been there for quite some time now. I need out

Hey Jonathan, I feel your pain as I am going through the same abuse...what you posted about your situation could have been written by me. I love this person and I have done everything I can to help her but leaving her would cause her to hurt herself and I couldn't bear her hurting herself....I am lost too! The pain is almost too much to bear for me. My friends and children will not even discuss the situation with me anymore, it is so hard to quit on someone I love.

I am in a super emotional and slightly abusive relationship with my boyfriend and I have been for 5 years. We share a house and dogs together. Recently, we broke up because he got me in trouble at my job for making a scene while I was working (I’m a bartender). Things have gotten so bad recently I have started a kind of new relationship with another man. This other guy really seems to want to treat me right but for some reason I just can’t force my partner at home to leave so I can live my life. I am still super young (only 23) and so torn on what to do ! Help

I’m in a verbal abusive relationship and if I leave I’ll have no place to go and no one to help me take my child to and from school when I have to work. I have no family or friends I can turn to for help. I want out but if I leave now my life is over. It’s to the point that I want to harm myself because I’m useless to myself and my child. I really need some help

Please help, I’m in a emotional abusive relationship and I want out, I really can’t take it anymore but I don’t know how? He knows so many people and threatens to hurt me and I don’t want him in my life being this way but being either with him or not being with him, I feel like I’ll b no better off and I’m sure he’s got mental health and no respect for the law

I'm 65 years old and in an abusive relationship. How does one leave when everything is tied up together financially. I don't want to lose everything.

He belittles me every day, I don't want sex so there for I'm accused of wanting sex with others. Nothing I do, ware, say is right. He has hit me in the past, he uses me financially, and makes me feel terrible. If I apply for jobs on my phone, I'm texting guys. He sneaks around the house trying to spy. He rummaged thru my personal belongings while I'm away or sleeping. I have to hide money, keys, and ciggereets, or he won't leave me anything.he cooks foods that I'm not supposed to eat. When I cook he won't eat. I thought I could trust him this time. He uses my hurt against me to make me hurt more.

I have decided to leave my wife and get out of the abuse after 4 years. She knows I am leaving and cries and apologizes but now is blaming me for not being perfect either and that we all make mistakes. Well, I never spit in her face, threw tantrums destroying property, verbally abused her, hit her, belittle her in front of family, cause financial strain, ask her to get her own place many times, threaten to call the police and make up things, make her retreat to the basement out of fear of another argument, or talk about being with other women. She did all of these things to me. I didn't show her I had respect for myself by staying even with the way she treated me so I am now showing her. She is now making every excuse for herself and actions and points it all back to me.

So severely damaged to implement these concepts to accept about yourself. This has shaken me to the core. What should I do?

Apparently none of the blogs and articles can help me recover or to get out from an abusive relationship. What should I do?

My boyfriend is living in my house and the only way to get him out is to get a protective order or evict him. I think he is a good person by himself but not to me. I don't want him to go to jail just out. He doesn't see that he is abusive.

I am currently living in a household that I am afraid to leave. I go to work everyday, take care of my kids, pay all my own bills. You name I do it. My son's father and I have not been together in at least four years and refuses to leave my home. When I say I am plan on leaving he threatens me and tells me he's going to harm me if I try to leave. My children are afraid of him as well as I am. I am tryingto leave but fear keeps holding me back because I feel I won't be able to protect me and my children once we leave. I have talked to the people in my life that I trust and they all just want me to leave because thy can see the hurt this is causing me. I have went from a outgoing, easy going person to someone who hates life. I just don't know what to do at this point.

I searched “how to leave an abusive relationship” & I stumbled upon this. God will is all I can think. I’ve been with my boyfriend a little over 6 years and I’ve been through hell while trying to make it work. My daughter turned 12 and I through her a party. I decorated myself, cooked everything myself & basically did everything while he hid in the bedroom because it was too much. I walked on pins and needles for almost 36 hours hoping and praying he wouldn’t start screaming and yelling about the noise and/or the mess. He didn’t (thank god!) until the very end when it was my daughter &only 2 of the little girls here. He started yelling at me telling me there will never be anymore parties at our house ever again. I swear every bit of effort I put into my kids I get backlash from him. He’s called me every name under the sun & has caused many nights where I cry myself to sleep unnoticed while he continues on, my family hates him as do most of my friends. He’s a mean man and has brainwashed me into thinking everything will be okay after seeing a couple tender moments from him. I’m young only 28 & neither of my children are his so once the break is made it’s done. I’m scared to be a single mom. I make decent money but have no savings whatsoever & we currently rent from his mother. I worry I won’t be able to get my children’s bedrooms out of this house nor my pictures & memories. I’m scared & I feel trapped. I’ve developed severe anxiety & depression as has my daughter who has also developed a cutting problem. I have taken step one. Out of every check I’m depositing 100 dollars. I’m bulking up my savings & im running. I have to keep this in mind because he’s good at making me feel like everything’s going to be okay. I’ve got to go while I still have a bit of hope left even though I feel it draining day by day & im scared to be completely broke. I miss me. Light, happy me. Someone that isn’t held down by so much sadness & fear.

I’m stuck. I can relate to every story told. His family has told me he’s damaging me and I need to leave. We have 1 child together. And I have my oldest son. I feel like I can’t leave because I’m completely broke. And he keep breaking me. One minute he’s lovely dovely then bam he turns into Satan. He blames me for EVERYTHING!!! Then he’ll apologize before bed. Saying he’s sorry for being [moderated], that he’s just stressed. And he threatenes that if I leave, he’ll kill himself. I know that would be his choice and his own fault if he did. I’m just scared. I want things to work but I know he’ll never change. And worse yet he’s threatening violence. I don’t deserve this but I dunno how to leave. I’ve left once but he said he’d change. But of course that was all lies. I’m not worried about belongings just my boys happiness. Please how do you leave when you literally have no way to go. He has me states away from my family. I feel sooo trapped. He’s abusing emotionally and mentally. Manipulate and cruel.

I keep logs of what I call episode, I want to share the most recent one with you. I am ready to go but I can't leave my things behind. If I can find a 2 bedroom apt I amiss able to pay am out!
My recent log happened 2 days ago
I live in a house, a beautiful house with a big yard in a nice neighborhood. Everything in this house beside a few things belong to me. I work and pay all the utilities in this house + groceries. I clean,cook,laundry,decorate, and a few other things that are needed to be done in a house. I don't pay anything on the mortgage, it the only thing I don't contribute to. Life should be easier now, kids are all grown and on their own,so that responsibility it over. I should be able to enjoy the fruits of my labor..
But no, this is just what it is a house not a home, the man that I share this house with and life for 26 years, has never stopped being verbally abusive.
My kids all left the house earlier then many do and I believe it was for this same reason. But now am left behind, with the abuse. As a cost of this I have isolated myself from family and few friends because I don't have many, the put downs and insults are imbarasing.  I fear that he suddenly gos off on me, because of something I may do or say on front of people. I mean he does it but I don't know them because its usually in the street, I just walk ahead and avoid eye contact with anyone, I make it look that it's not with me. Oh so many times this happens, I get chills in my chest that go deep in even feel chills in my heart. Usually those episode are followed by in the car screams and insults put downs, threats of crashing, and so many more. In all this i try to defend myself and argue back but it only make him more angry and things worst. All I think about is getting to the house so I can lock myself in the room. And then is the silence, while I always get emotional because a thousand thought go through my head, he carries on normally. Like nothing.  I usually stay in the room for a couple of days, I go down and fix myself  something to eat when I can no longer hold the hunger, and he just sits there watching this programs on TV laughing, enjoying every minute of my misery,his doing, his accomplishments seeing me this way is his goal at that moment. I usually can hold the silence more then 4 days, and by this time I am all cried out, have convinced myself things would get better and I go and start a conversation. Everything it's always my fault he apologizes but explains that if I would not piss him off things would not happen, he tells me that I need to learn how to talk to him, that if things don't change we would have to go our own ways. But remember I have no savings all my money go's in this house, I don't have money to put down for any apartment. And I can't afford the 1200 rents. I have my dogs not all places accept pets, moving truck..I don't drive.. I can probably call someone to help but again I am a shame of people knowing what I go through... So what I do?
I put on a happy face, to the world of Facebook we are perfect, those that he associates with think he is the most proud and loving husband ,because he brags about how beautiful his wife is and how good she cooks and always keeps everything on point, perfect. Noone knows how he is behind closed doors beside our kids and a use to be good friend,but I keep away from her now as well. My outside look doesn't look nothing like my inside,  I use to convince myself that my kids needed me so I had to be strong for them and be here to defend and try to protect them from their fathers mouth. But they gone now, they live their own life's. Oh it's taking so so much of me to stay in this world, My grandson is what keeps me going,seeing his little face makes everything go away. But one day he is also going to grow and live his life. By then I am probably to old and broken, most likely still being abused and hoping death would give me peace.
The house is silent now, in max 4 days my happy face would be put back on....

John, thank you for sharing..I'm a woman, but completely relate..I'm sorry, no abuse doesn't discriminate..I don't think, never did, that it's a man thing...I don't hate men.. actually hate myself more for staying..good luck.. again..thx..

Thank you for sharing this...

I'm a guy who was in an abusive relationship for about 10 years. I left just yesterday. I'm already experiencing the anguish and sadness that comes from the loss of someone who I thought I would be with forever. Forever, that's a word we used in our relationship early on. We met online. Our first mistake was over-accentuating our positive attributes, and downplaying or not discussion our negative attributes. My girlfriend came from a family with terrible parents, and abusive drunk for a father and a mother that looked the other way when her older brothers abused her. She carried this trauma with her into adulthood and never got over it. It was carried into our relationship. She can be the kindest, most thoughtful person at moments, then turn on a dime and be verbally vicious whenever she was hurt. It didn't take much to hurt her -- the wrong comment made at the wrong time could set her off. Our relationship started out magical from my point of view, we did a lot of fun things together and I really enjoyed the good times. But the bad times were awful. She knew how much I valued the relationship and I believe she used that against me, threatening to end it whenever she got mad. She said she would crack my skull open once after a fight, and joked that if she were ever to kill me, it would be by food poisoning. I really don't know if I should have taken the last of her comments seriously, but taken in consideration with other red flags, maybe I should. She had no sense of boundaries, and kicked open my locked bedroom door on more than one occasion when I refused to come out to confront her. Abuse occasionally escalated into physical violence. She threw things at me, slapped and hit me in the face before. I don't agree with hitting women, and am ashamed to admit that I finally hit back, partly in self defense and partly in anger. That happened once. It didn't help anything. I'm no saint. I did my share of things to make the relationship bad. For example, I pretended to like the physical intimacy, when in fact I had grown to hate it. All to keep her happy and so that she wouldn't blow up. The fights/verbal abuse/threats gradually destroyed my hope, faith and ability to trust. I wanted to leave but couldn't because at the time I didn't have a car or any friends and family nearby, having moved across the country to be closer to her. One day her anger got out of control and she had a stroke. I stayed to make sure she was ok. I blamed myself for it happening to her. Logically it wasn't true, she hadn't been taking her blood pressure medicine, but part of me wondered if our fights, or whether or not I was bad for her, contributed to what had happened. She lost the ability to be physically abusive, got more heavily immersed in the church after having a stroke, and seemed to be changed. But somewhere in the back of mind I could never shake the idea that she might return to her former self if she heals completely. And there were still times where she used leverage where she had it, to make power plays, such as with the car, threatening to call the cops if I used it, even though we used it together without problems when everything is ok. I've been gone for about nine months staying with family in another state, but had left my stuff in 'our house.' After learning she was planning to move her sister into the house (her sister is fresh off a divorce, and has the same rage/psychological issues from her upbringing that my girlfriend had) I decided with a very heavy heart to make the difficult decision to leave. I bought a ticket and flew in when she was gone helping her sister pack, got whatever I could fit in two bags, left a text message letting her know what was happening, and am back with my family. I don't know why I shared this story except maybe to help show that abuse isn't just something men engage in; women can be just as bad, and it can be just as emotionally devastating for an abused man than an abused woman. There is no shame in admitting you have been the victim of abuse. It doesn't make you any less of a man to come forward and share your story if you have one. I hope more men will be open in the future to sharing their stories. The reasons for staying in abusive relationship are complicated and different for everyone. Me personally, I'm sentimental, it really hurt me to break it off and I think it will hurt deeply in the coming weeks, days, months. I hope it was the right decision.

I just got out of an abusive relationship and now I’m trying to move on with my life. I’m having trouble sleeping and I keep thinking about the abuse. I’m going to counselling and it seems to be helping me understand why this happened and why it isn’t my fault. My ex is bi-polar and an alcoholic. He abused me when he would drink verbally and physically. I left the relationship but he convinced me after he went to rehab that he changed. After I went back there he verbally and emotionally abused me. He cheated on me and told me I was a bad person because I left after he physically abused me. The day I left him and his family bullied me while I was sobbing that my fiancé was cheating on me and verbally abusing me. I felt so alone and I had to find the strength to gather my things, stand up for myself and try to cut off contact after I left. Right now I’m dealing with the trauma of that day and when I close my eyes to sleep that’s all I can think about. But I know I don’t want to ever go back and that I’m safer and happier without him.

I have beven in a mentally abusive relationship for 14 years . He has took everyone from my friends and family . He hated me to be around my mother . Now I really regret staying away from her as much because I didn't want to fight with him. She passed away 3 years ago . I also lost my best friend .That I had completely stop talking to because of him . He convinced me that everyone was bad for me. And I believed him. Now I have no family or friends left. He is very manipulating he goes from mean to sweet all the time. He calls me names all the time. He cheats on me. Tells me am not a woman or a mother.I don't know how to do anything right. We work at the same place because he don't allow me to be alone . Everything I do at work am trying to see some man . He gets mad even when a male speaks to me he takes it out on me. I tried to do everything he asked but I still do something wrong. We both have 3 children I have 3 by my ex husband and he had three with his ex before we meet. We have wanted a baby together for years. But I had by tubes tied after my 3 rd child. He said that a baby will change him. I know better. But I still wanted a baby. Five years ago he had another baby by someone else. It hurt me so bad even threw all the abuse I still thought he loved me. I thought that he was like this because he was scared I didn't love him. Also his ex kept his kids from him for years. I thought he was grieving cause he missed them . Well his kids have been back in his life for the last few years he just got worst and my kids have had to go threw hell . His kids do nothing wrong my kids or bad they do everything wrong. Two have left one is 19 the other is 17. He says their grown they need to be out of the hous. He has a 16 year old . He still a kid he plays sports he doing something with his life. Is what he said yours isnt.I tell him all the time you cant treat them different. He will just say that I don't know how to be a mother. This wouldn't happen. He tells me his ex is so much better than me all the time. I tell him to leave and go be with her. But he want leave no matter what. He never sorry for anything he said or dose. He will just love on me and tell me he loves me . And I fall for it every time. He tells me that all ithe have us him.That's what keeps me with him I have no one else to ca'll or talk to. Also the home we live in belonged to my family and he want get out . I would have to leave my on home and go stay in a shelter somewhere to get away. I cwouldn't even do that because my youngest is 15 year old boy. Shelters where I live don't allow males over 12 to stay. Am so miserable I feel like I don't even want to live anymore sometimes. I know I could never take my own life I would never do that to my children. But am so miserable i am s tried of being told am nothing everyday of my life and getting accused of cheating or looking at other man. I don't know what to do. I pray that he changes and see what he is doing.I even tell him how he makes me feel he just gets angry even more.

I have been in abusive relationship for 9 years now. It used to get physical about 5 years ago and he would hit me give me a black eye once, the physical abuse happened when we would drink heavily. He hasn’t hit me since but the mental abuse is at an all time high. I feel so cut off from the world. He hates my family. Always bad mouthing them saying my entire family are horrible people. We live two hours from them. I have a two year old daughter and I’m a stay at home mom. I don’t have access to anything. He won’t add me to the bank account, he doesn’t allow me to drive. I have no money. I can’t work cause he won’t pay for childcare. I’m really starting to feel like I need to leave for my child. It breaks my heart that she needs to see and hear what she does. He has absolutely no respect for me. Just five minutes ago he called me a dumb bitch. He is constantly threatening to kick me out and get full custody of our daughter. I feel so trapped. I’m so depressed and I feel so alone. Some times my daughter and I go days without leaving the house. I have been a mess lately. The abuse is getting so bad. I’m constantly walking on eggshells. Everything I say makes him mad at me. He will scream at me in front of our daughter and I know it’s going to have an effect on her. I don’t want her to end up in the same situation I am cause she thinks it’s normal. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so broken.