Identify Your Wants

So, what is it you want? This page is dedicated to helping you identify...

"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" - Steven Wright

who you want to BE
what you want to DO
and what you want to HAVE.

TIP: One obstacle I've seen people experience in this identification process is the concept of "should." Shoulds are a condition place on us from the outside, perceived or real. What should I want? What should I do? Who should I be? What should I have? What would impress the Jones'? What would make my parents proud? What is the right thing to want? It's all shoulds.

To get the most out of this exercise you're going to have to temporarily set the shoulds aside. If you find yourself thinking "I don't know what I want" I can almost guarantee the shoulds are stopping you from freely stating your desires. If this is the case, pretend you were just dropped into this world. You have no parents, no friends, no relatives, no responsibilities, no commitments, no obligations, and no one is expecting anything from you. What would you want then?

Who Do You Want To Be?

Get a pen and paper, and for the next few minutes write down every person that you admire and respect. It can be anyone, a friend, family member, co-worker, celebrity, politician, author, scientist, musician, philosopher, teacher, anyone at all. There are no limitations. They don't even have to be real, you can write down fictional characters. I've created a list of famous people that might help spark your memory. For the next 2 minutes, list everyone you like or admire for some reason, it doesn't matter why for now. Then return to this page.

Now, next to each name, write the characteristic(s) or quality you like about that person. After you've done this for each person, got through the list of qualities and compile them into a condensed list. Put the qualities that repeat at the top of your list. Here's an example of the process.

Example

Person Their Qualities List of Qualities
  • Honesty
  • Courage
  • Powerful
  • Humorous
  • Creative
  • Intelligent
  • Wisdom
  • Inspiring
Madonna honesty, courage, powerful
Oprah Windfrey powerful, inspiring, honesty
Albert Einstien intelligent, wisdom, creativity
Robin Williams incredibly funny, creativity
Shirley MacLaine courage, honesty
Mark Twain humorous/witty, intelligent

Look at the list of qualities you're left with. Are those the qualities that you yourself wish you had? Do you not already have some of them? Which do you want to make stronger? Which do you want to develop more? Are there any qualities on your list that you don't think you possess? Do you want to be the person that has all those qualities? Many times simply being aware of the qualities you want to possess brings them out in you.


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What Do You Want To Do?

Lets take the next 15 minutes and identify what it is you enjoy doing. Brainstorming is a very useful technique for identifying your wants by throwing all caution to the wind. Be wild and free. Forget being realistic or practical. Pretend you've just been given a license that for the next 15 minutes, you don't have to take anyone else into consideration, you don't have to worry about time, space or money, and you have total freedom to be self indulgent. This isn't about finding you a career, although it may eventually become one. It's about identifying what you enjoy doing. I've created a list of activities you might enjoy doing that might help you get started. Write down every activity you enjoy doing.

traveling
walks on the beach
playing games
camping
reading
watching tv
being outdoors
dining out
racing cars
cooking
singing
having sex
writing
sports
organizing
seeing a movie
designing
woodworking
gardening
crafts
landscaping
gambling
crafts
debating
volunteering
decorating
shopping
teaching
working on car
attending seminars
learning a new language
receiving a massage
hiking
giving
fishing
painting
running a business
talking
researching
golfing
remodeling
programming
sailing
hobbies
sky diving
knitting
cleaning
keeping a journal
entertaining guests
horseback riding
shopping
making a film
photography
going to spa
voice lessons
driving
learning something new
scuba diving
working out
meditating
dancing

What Do You Want To Have?

Take another 15 minutes and do the same for the things we would like to have in your life. Try to be as specific as you can. What would you like to have? Above is a list of items you might want to have that might help you get started.

car
home
toys
boat
tools
motorcycle
CDs
plants
furniture
flowers
computer
2nd home
rv/camper
garden
storage shed
air conditioner
heat
clothes
books
relationship
collections
pond
snow mobile
artwork
exercise equipment
food
jewelry
chef/maid
sprinkler system
remodeled house
antiques
motorcycle
stereo system
gun
pets/animals
music CDs
software

next: Removing The Obstacles In Your Way

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 21). Identify Your Wants, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, May 17 from https://www.healthyplace.com/relationships/creating-relationships/identify-your-wants

Last Updated: August 6, 2014

The Giving Gift

A beautiful short story on the magic of giving gifts... and many aren't material gifts.

A Holiday Short Story

After he had unwrapped his gifts on Christmas morning the the 5 year old boy's mother asked him which one of his presents he wanted to donate to a poor child who had less than him. "None", the boy replied. His mom sat him on her lap and explained to him that sharing with those who were less fortunate was part of the holiday spirit and how a child who had less would probably be very happy to receive a gift. This took some convincing from mom but the boy eventually agreed to part with one of his gifts. Mom told him that he could have until the following morning to decide. The day after Christmas the boy put his four gifts in front of him and tried to decide which one to part with. It was a difficult decision. His eyes scanned over the toy flute, book of Aesop's Fables, Popeye book bag, and the toy dump truck with doors that really opened. He decided that he part with the flute. "Where do we take it ?", he asked his mother. His mother explained that there was a Salvation Army box two streets away and that the people who emptied this box would make sure that it got to a child who needed a gift. "How will they know it is for a child ?", he asked. His mother told him that he could tape a note to the flute and she helped him to write one that read, "Please make sure this gets to a kid who doesn't have a lot of toys". After securely attaching the note to the flute the boy said, "I forgot to write my name, how will they know who this came from?" His mother explained that they wouldn't need to know who it came from and how sometimes part of giving was doing it so that others wouldn't know where it came from, like putting coins in the poor box at church. "Well, can I please write my name?" His mother said it would be okay and he wrote his name at the end of the note.

This parting with a gift the day after Christmas became a yearly ritual. When he was 8 years old, the boy so treasured the gifts that he had that the decision needed to be made by eeny-meny-miny-mo and he had to part with a set of checkers. "I really love these mom", the boy said. His mother said that he could select something else but he didn't want to have to decide again. His mother left the room and returned with a piece of cardboard, the boy's crayons, and his bottle cap collection. Together they created a board and set of checkers. "I bet no other kid in the world has checkers like these", he said. That year he decided all on his own not to put his name on the note that he attached to the checkers box. Three months later when he saw a checkers set at his friend Jerry's house he fought back the temptation to say , "that was mine", after Jerry had told him that an army man had brought it to his door.


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When he was 10 years old, the laundrymat where his mother worked closed shortly after Thanksgiving and gifts were sparse. On Christmas, he looked over his three inexpensive gifts. His mother came and sat beside him and told him that this year he didn't have to part with a gift. At first, this sounded great but when he woke up the morning after Christmas he thought about how much fun he had seen Jerry have with the checkers and how the giving gift could be secret and magical. He told his mother that he wanted to put his new football in the Salvation Army box. "You don't have to do that", his mother said. He told her that he wanted to. She got teary-eyed and gave him a big hug.

Six months later his mother's birthday was approaching and the boy emptied his piggy bank and counted out three dollars and forty-nine cents. "What would you like for your birthday ?", he asked his mother. She was silent for a moment and then she spoke, "I've noticed Billy playing catch football with his dad and it looks like a lot of fun. I think I would like a football." That year his mother got a football for her birthday.

Many years later, when he was a young man, he talked to his mother about how in some ways it seemed strange that she had him give to the poor when he was a child since they themselves were poor. Then it happened. She gave him 'the look'. It was a look that if it could be put into words would say, "Don't you understand, haven't you learned ?" The look said that and so much more. It was the same look that he had seen many times before. Words that appeared to be carefully chosen usually came shortly after 'the look'. Certain instances were more memorable than others. There was the the time when he was 9 years old and he told his sister that she could never be president because she was a girl. That time "the look" was followed by his mother saying that people had all sorts of opinions about President Johnson but that she had never heard anyone comment on the importance of whether he stood or sat when he went to pee. This time he was 17 years old and 'the look' was followed with an explanation about what real poverty is and how the worst poverty to be in is poverty of the soul.

The giving gift tradition continued into adulthood. One Christmas his own 5 year old boy asked him, "What was the best gift you got for Christmas when you were a kid ?" He wanted to explain to his son that the best gift he ever received didn't come in a box, it wasn't wrapped and you couldn't even hold it in your hand.

He tried to explain the giving gift as best as he could in words that a young child might understand. "Do you still do that Dad ?" His father explained that he had not missed a Christmas in over 30 years. The following day the father selected a new sweater and wrote directly on the white box, "Please give this to someone who needs it". As he was getting ready for the drive to the Salvation Army box his son asked , "Can I come?" The father asked the boy to have his mother help him put on his boots, hat, and coat while Dad went to warm up the car. The father sat in the car waiting for ten minutes and thought about the Christmas of the first giving gift. He was just about to go back inside to see what was taking his son so long when the little boy came running out with a new play-doh set in his hands. "Dad, can you help me write the note ?"

There is joy in watching surprised looks on the faces of children as they open gifts. Material gifts can be precious but the greatest gifts that we can give to children aren't wrapped in fancy paper and they can't be purchased at the mall. The greatest gifts were meant to be passed on to others. The receivers of these gifts are often initially unaware of what they are actually receiving. The gifts of forgiveness, sharing, fairness, and caring are the most valuable gifts. These are the gifts that we can give away but still keep.

About the author: Brian Joseph is the author of the mystical, musical, inspirational novel, The Gift of Gabe. Visit http://www.giftofgabe.com/

next:Article: No Body is Perfect: Body Image and Shame

 

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 21). The Giving Gift, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, May 17 from https://www.healthyplace.com/alternative-mental-health/sageplace/the-giving-gift

Last Updated: July 17, 2014

Philosophy and Approaches to Treating Eating Disorders

A simple summary of three main approaches to the treatment of eating disorders. Learn about psychodynamic, cognitive behavioral and disease or addiction approaches at HealthyPlace.

This chapter provides a very simplistic summary of three main philosophical approaches to the treatment of eating disorders. These approaches are used alone or in combination with one another according to the treating professional's knowledge and preference as well as the needs of the individual receiving care. Medical treatment and treatment with drugs that are used to affect mental functioning are both discussed in other chapters and not included here. However, it is important to note that medication, medical stabilization, and ongoing medical monitoring and treatment are necessary in conjunction with all approaches. Depending on how clinicians view the nature of eating disorders, they will most likely approach treatment from one or more of the following perspectives:

  • Psychodynamic
  • Cognitive behavioral
  • Disease/addiction

It is important when choosing a therapist that patients and significant others understand that there are different theories and treatment approaches. Admittedly, patients may not know whether a certain theory or treatment approach is suitable for them, and they may need to rely on instinct when choosing a therapist. Many patients know when a certain approach is not appropriate for them. For example, I often have patients elect to go into individual treatment with me or choose my treatment program over others because they have previously tried and do not want a Twelve Step or addiction- based approach. Getting a referral from a trustworthy individual is one way to find an appropriate professional or treatment program.

PSYCHODYNAMIC MODEL

A psychodynamic view of behavior emphasizes internal conflicts, motives, and unconscious forces. Within the psychodynamic realm there are many theories on the development of psychological disorders in general and on the sources and origins of eating disorders in particular. Describing each psychodynamic theory and the resulting treatment approach, such as object relations or self-psychology, is beyond the scope of this book.

The common feature of all psychodynamic theories is the belief that without addressing and resolving the underlying cause for disordered behaviors, they may subside for a time but will all too often return. The early pioneering and still relevant work of Hilde Bruch on treating eating disorders made it clear that using behavior modification techniques to get people to gain weight may accomplish short-term improvement but not much in the long run. Like Bruch, therapists with a psychodynamic perspective believe that the essential treatment for full eating disorder recovery involves understanding and treating the cause, adaptive function, or purpose that the eating disorder serves. Please note that this does not necessarily mean "analysis," or going back in time to uncover past events, although some clinicians take this approach.

My own psychodynamic view holds that in human development when needs are not met, adaptive functions arise. These adaptive functions serve as substitutes for developmental deficits that protect against the resulting anger, frustration, and pain. The problem is that the adaptive functions can never be internalized. They can never fully replace what was originally needed and furthermore they have consequences that threaten long-term health and functioning. For example, an individual who never learned the ability to self-soothe may use food as a means of comfort and thus binge eat when she is upset. Binge eating will never help her internalize the ability to soothe herself and will most likely lead to negative consequences such as weight gain or social withdrawal. Understanding and working through the adaptive functions of eating disorder behaviors is important in helping patients internalize the ability to attain and maintain recovery.

In all of the psychodynamic theories, eating disorder symptoms are seen as expressions of a struggling inner self that uses the disordered eating and weight control behaviors as a way of communicating or expressing underlying issues. The symptoms are viewed as useful for the patient, and attempts to directly try to take them away are avoided. In a strict psychodynamic approach, the premise is that, when the underlying issues are able to be expressed, worked through, and resolved, the disordered eating behaviors will no longer be necessary. Chapter 5, "Eating Disorder Behaviors Are Adaptive Functions," explains this in some detail.

Psychodynamic treatment usually consists of frequent psycho-therapy sessions using interpretation and management of the transference relationship or, in other words, the patient's experience of the therapist and vice versa. Whatever the particular psychodynamic theory, the essential goal of this treatment approach is to help patients understand the connections between their pasts, their personalities, and their personal relationships and how all this relates to their eating disorders.

The problem with a solely psychodynamic approach to treating eating disorders is twofold. First, many times patients are in such a state of starvation, depression, or compulsivity that psychotherapy cannot effectively take place. Therefore, starvation, tendency toward suicide, compulsive binge eating and purging, or serious medical abnormalities may need to be addressed before psychodynamic work can be effective. Second, patients can spend years doing psychodynamic therapy gaining insight while still engaging in destructive symptomatic behaviors. To continue this kind of therapy for too long without symptom change seems unnecessary and unfair.


Psychodynamic therapy can offer a lot to eating disordered individuals and may be an important factor in treatment, but a strict psychodynamic approach alone - with no discussion of the eating- and weight-related behaviors - has not been shown to be effective in achieving high rates of full recovery. At some point, dealing directly with the disordered behaviors is important. The most well-known and studied technique or treatment approach currently used to challenge, manage, and transform specific food and weight-related behaviors is known as cognitive behavioral therapy.

COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL MODEL

The term cognitive refers to mental perception and awareness. Cognitive distortions in the thinking of eating disordered patients that influence behavior are well recognized. A disturbed or distorted body image, paranoia about food itself being fattening, and binges being blamed on the fact that one cookie has already destroyed a perfect day of dieting are common unrealistic assumptions and distortions. Cognitive distortions are held sacred by patients who rely on them as guidelines for behavior in order to gain a sense of safety, control, identity, and containment. Cognitive distortions have to be challenged in an educational and empathetic way in order to avoid unnecessary power struggles. Patients will need to know that their behaviors are ultimately their choice but that currently they are choosing to act on false, incorrect, or misleading information and faulty assumptions.

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) was originally developed in the late 1970s by Aaron Beck as a technique for treating depression. The essence of cognitive behavioral therapy is that feelings and behaviors are created by cognitions (thoughts). One is reminded of Albert Ellis and his famous Rational Emotive Therapy (RET). The clinician's job is to help individuals learn to recognize cognitive distortions and either choose not to act on them or, better still, to replace them with more realistic and positive ways of thinking. Common cognitive distortions can be put into categories such as all-or-nothing thinking, overgeneralizing, assuming, magnifying or minimizing, magical thinking, and personalizing.

Those familiar with eating disorders will recognize the same or similar cognitive distortions repeatedly being expressed by eating disordered individuals seen in treatment. Disordered eating or weight-related behaviors such as obsessive weighing, use of laxatives, restricting all sugar, and binge eating after one forbidden food item passes the lips, all arise from a set of beliefs, attitudes, and assumptions about the meaning of eating and body weight. Regard-less of theoretical orientation, most clinicians will eventually need to address and challenge their patients' distorted attitudes and beliefs in order to interrupt the behaviors that flow from them. If not addressed, the distortions and symptomatic behaviors are likely to persist or return.

FUNCTIONS THAT COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS SERVE

1. They provide a sense of safety and control.

Example: All-or-nothing thinking provides a strict system of rules for an individual to follow when she has no self-trust in making decisions. Karen, a twenty-two-year-old bulimic, does not know how much fat she can eat without gaining weight so she makes a simple rule and allows herself none. If she does happen to eat something forbidden she binges on as many fatty foods as she can get because, as she puts it, "As long as I have blown it I might as well go the whole way and have all those foods I don't allow myself to eat."

2. They reinforce the eating disorder as a part of the individual's identity.

Example: Eating, exercise, and weight become factors that make the person feel special and unique. Keri, a twenty-one-year-old bulimic, told me, "I don't know who I will be without this illness," and Jenny, a fifteen-year-old anorexic, said, "I am the person known for not eating."

3. They enable patients to replace reality with a system that supports their behaviors.

Example: Eating disorder patients use their rules and beliefs rather than reality to guide their behaviors. Magically thinking that being thin will solve all of one's problems or minimizing the significance of weighing as little as 79 pounds are ways that patients mentally allow themselves to continue their behavior. As long as John holds the belief that, "If I stop taking laxatives I will get fat," it is difficult to get him to discontinue his behavior.

4. They help provide an explanation or justification of behaviors to other people.

Example: Cognitive distortions help people explain or justify their behavior to others. Stacey, a forty-five-year-old anorexic, would always complain, "If I eat more I feel bloated and miserable." Barbara, a binge eater, would restrict eating sweets only to end up bingeing on them later, justifying this by telling everyone, "I'm allergic to sugar." Both of these claims are more difficult to argue with than "I'm afraid to eat more food" or "I set myself up to binge because I don't allow myself to eat sugar." Patients will justify their continued starving or purging by minimizing negative lab test results, hair loss, and even poor bone density scans. Magical thinking allows patients to believe and try to convince others to believe that electrolyte problems, heart failure, and death are things that happen to other people who are worse off.


Treating patients with cognitive behavioral therapy is considered by many top professionals in the field of eating disorders to be the "gold standard" of treatment, especially for bulimia nervosa. At the April 1996 International Eating Disorder Conference, several researchers such as Christopher Fairburn and Tim Walsh presented findings reiterating that cognitive behavioral therapy combined with medication produces better results than psychodynamic therapy combined with medication, either of these modalities combined with a placebo, or medication alone.

Even though these findings are promising, the researchers themselves concede that the results show only that in these studies, one approach works better than others tried, and not that we have found a form of treatment that will help most patients. For information on this approach, see Overcoming Eating Disorders Client Handbook and Overcoming Eating Disorders Therapist's Guide by W. Agras and R. Apple (1997). Many patients are not helped by the cognitive behavioral approach, and we are not sure which ones will be. More research needs to be done. A prudent course of action in treating eating disordered patients would be to utilize cognitive behavioral therapy at least as a part of an integrated multidimensional approach.

DISEASE/ADDICTION MODEL

The disease or addiction model of treatment for eating disorders, sometimes referred to as the abstinence model, was originally taken from the disease model of alcoholism. Alcoholism is considered an addiction, and alcoholics are considered powerless over alcohol because they have a disease that causes their bodies to react in an abnormal and addictive way to the consumption of alcohol. The Twelve Step program of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) was designed to treat the disease of alcoholism based on this principle. When this model was applied to eating disorders, and Overeater's Anonymous (OA) was originated, the word alcohol was substituted with the word food in the Twelve Step OA literature and at Twelve Step OA meetings. The basic OA text explains, "The OA recovery program is identical with that of Alcoholics Anonymous.

We use AA's twelve steps and twelve traditions, changing only the words alcohol and alcoholic to food and compulsive overeater (Overeaters Anonymous 1980). In this model, food is often referred to as a drug over which those with eating disorders are powerless. The Twelve Step program of Overeaters Anonymous was originally designed to help people who felt out of control with their overconsumption of food: "The major objective of the program is to achieve abstinence, defined as freedom from compulsive overeating" (Malenbaum et al. 1988). The original treatment approach involved abstaining from certain foods considered binge foods or addictive foods, namely sugar and white flour, and following the Twelve Steps of OA which are as follows:

TWELVE STEPS OF OA

Step I: We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Step II: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Step III: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Step IV: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Step V: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Step VI: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Step VII: Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Step VIII: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Step IX: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Step X: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

Step XI: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Step XII: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.


The addiction analogy and abstinence approach make some sense in relationship to its original application to compulsive overeating. It was reasoned that if addiction to alcohol causes binge drinking, then addiction to certain foods could cause binge eating; therefore, abstinence from those foods should be the goal. This analogy and supposition is debatable. To this day we have found no scientific proof of a person being addicted to a certain food, much less masses of people to the same food. Nor has there been any proof that an addiction or Twelve Step approach is successful in treating eating disorders. The analogy that followed - that compulsive overeating was fundamentally the same illness as bulimia nervosa and anorexia nervosa and thus all were addictions - made a leap based on faith, or hope, or desperation.


In an effort to find a way to treat the growing number and severity of eating disorder cases, the OA approach began to be loosely applied to all forms of eating disorders. The use of the addiction model was readily adopted due to the lack of guidelines for treatment and the similarities that eating disorder symptoms seemed to have with other addictions (Hat-sukami 1982). Twelve Step recovery programs sprung up everywhere as a model that could be immediately adapted for use with eating disorder "addictions." This was happening even though one of OA's own pamphlets, entitled "Questions & Answers," tried to clarify that "OA publishes literature about its program and compulsive overeating, not about specific eating disorders such as bulimia and anorexia" (Overeaters Anonymous 1979).

The American Psychiatric Association (APA) recognized a problem with Twelve Step treatment for anorexia nervosa and treatment for bulimia nervosa, in their treatment guidelines established in February 1993. In summary, the APA's position is that Twelve Step based programs are not recommended as the sole treatment approach for anorexia nervosa or the initial sole approach for bulimia nervosa. The guidelines suggest that for bulimia nervosa Twelve Step programs such as OA may be helpful as an adjunct to other treatment and for subsequent relapse prevention.

In determining these guidelines the members of the APA expressed concerns that due to "the great variability of knowledge, attitudes, beliefs, and practices from chapter to chapter and from sponsor to sponsor regarding eating disorders and their medical and psychotherapeutic treatment and because of the great variability of patients' personality structures, clinical conditions, and susceptibility to potentially counter therapeutic practices, clinicians should carefully monitor patients' experiences with Twelve Step programs."

Some clinicians feel strongly that eating disorders are addictions; for example, according to Kay Sheppard, in her 1989 book, Food Addiction, The Body Knows, "the signs and symptoms of bulimia nervosa are the same as those of food addiction." Others acknowledge that although there is an attractiveness to this analogy, there are many potential problems in assuming that eating disorders are addictions. In the International Journal of Eating Disorders, Walter Vandereycken, M.D., a leading figure in the field of eating disorders from Belgium, wrote, "The interpretative 'translating' of bulimia into a known disorder supplies both the patient and therapist with a reassuring point of reference. . . . Although the use of a common language can be a basic factor as to further therapeutic cooperation, it may be at the same time a diagnostic trap by which some more essential, challenging, or threatening elements of the problem (and hence the related treatment) are avoided." What did Vandereycken mean by a "diagnostic trap"? What essential or challenging elements might be avoided?

One of the criticisms of the addiction or disease model is the idea that people can never be recovered. Eating disorders are thought to be lifelong diseases that can be controlled into a state of remission by working through the Twelve Steps and maintaining abstinence on a daily basis. According to this viewpoint, eating disordered individuals can be "in recovery" or "recovering" but never "recovered." If the symptoms go away, the person is only in abstinence or remission but still has the disease.

A "recovering" bulimic is supposed to continue referring to herself as a bulimic and continue attending Twelve Step meetings indefinitely with the goal of remaining abstinent from sugar, flour, or other binge or trigger foods or bingeing itself. Most readers will be reminded of the alcoholic in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), who says, "Hi. I'm John and I am a recovering alcoholic," even though he may not have had a drink for ten years. Labeling eating disorders as addictions may not only be a diagnostic trap but also a self-fulfilling prophecy.

There are other problems applying the abstinence model for use with anorexics and bulimics. For example, the last thing one wants to promote in an anorexic is abstinence from food, whatever that food might be. Anorexics are already masters at abstinence. They need help knowing it's okay to eat any food, particularly "scary" foods, which often contain sugar and white flour, the very ones that were originally forbidden in OA. Even though the idea of restricting sugar and white flour is fading in OA groups and individuals are allowed to choose their own form of abstinence, these groups can still present problems with their absolute standards, such as promoting restrictive eating and black-and-white thinking.

In fact, treating anorexia patients in mixed groups such as OA may be extremely counterproductive. According to Vandereycken, when others are mixed with anorexics, "they envy the abstaining anorexic whose willpower and self-mastery represent an almost utopian ideal for the bulimic, while binge eating is the most horrifying disaster any anorexic can think of. This, in fact, constitutes the greatest danger of treatment according to the addiction model (or the Overeaters Anonymous philosophy). Regardless if one calls it partial abstinence or controlled eating, simply teaching the patient to abstain from binge eating and purging means 'anorexic skills training'!" To resolve this issue it has even been argued that anorexics can use "abstinence from abstinence" as a goal, but this is not clearly definable and, at least, seems to be pushing the point. All of this adjusting just tends to water down the Twelve Step program as it was originally conceived and well utilized.

Furthermore, behavior abstinence, such as refraining from binge eating, is different from substance abstinence. When does eating become overeating and overeating become binge eating? Who decides? The line is fuzzy and unclear. One would not say to an alcoholic, "You can drink, but you must learn how to control it; in other words, you must not binge drink." Drug addicts and alcoholics don't have to learn how to control the consumption of drugs or alcohol. Abstinence from these substances can be a black-and- white issue and, in fact, is supposed to be. Addicts and alcoholics give up drugs and alcohol completely and forever. A person with an eating disorder has to deal with food every day. Full recovery for a person with an eating disorder is to be able to deal with food in a normal, healthy way.


As has been previously mentioned, bulimics and binge eaters could abstain from sugar, white flour, and other "binge foods," but, in most cases, these individuals will ultimately binge on any food. In fact, labeling a food as a "binge food" is another self-fulfilling prophecy, actually counterproductive to the cognitive behavioral approach of restructuring dichotomous (black-and-white) thinking that is so common in eating disordered patients.

I do believe that there is an addictive quality or component to eating disorders; however, I don't see that this means that a Twelve Step approach is appropriate. I see the addictive elements of eating disorders functioning differently, especially in the sense that eating disordered patients can become recovered.

Although I have concerns and criticisms of the traditional addiction approach, I recognize that the Twelve Step philosophy has a lot to offer, particularly now that there are specific groups for people with anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa (ABA). However, I strongly believe that if a Twelve Step approach is to be used with eating disordered patients, it must be used with caution and adapted to the uniqueness of eating disorders. Craig Johnson has discussed this adaptation in his article published in 1993 in the Eating Disorder Review, "Integrating the Twelve Step Approach."

The article suggests how an adapted version of the Twelve Step approach can be useful with a certain population of patients and discusses criteria that can be used to identify these patients. Occasionally, I encourage certain patients to attend Twelve Step meetings when I feel it is appropriate. I am especially grateful to their sponsors when those sponsors respond to my patients' calls at 3:00 a.m. It's nice to see this commitment from someone out of genuine comradery and caring. If patients who begin treatment with me already have sponsors, I try to work with these sponsors, so as to provide a consistent treatment philosophy. I am moved by the devotion, dedication, and support that I have seen in sponsors who give so much to anyone wishing help. I have also been concerned on many occasions where I have seen "the blind leading the blind."

In summary, based on my experience and my recovered patients themselves, I urge clinicians who use the Twelve Step approach with eating disordered patients to:

  • Adapt them for the uniqueness of eating disorders and of each individual.
  • Monitor patients' experiences closely.
  • Allow that every patient has the potential to become recovered.

The belief that one will not have a disease called an eating disorder for life but can be "recovered" is a very important issue. How a treating professional views the illness and the treatment will not only affect the nature of the treatment but also the actual outcome itself. Consider the message that patients get from these quotes taken from a book about Overeaters Anonymous: "It is that first bite that gets us into trouble.

The first bite may be as 'harmless' as a piece of lettuce, but when eaten between meals and not as part of our daily plan, it invariably leads to another bite. And another, and another. And we have lost control. And there is no stopping" (Overeaters Anonymous 1979). "It is the experience of recovering compulsive overeaters that the illness is progressive. The disease does not get better, it gets worse. Even while we abstain, the illness progresses. If we were to break our abstinence, we would find that we had even less control over our eating than before" (Overeaters Anonymous 1980).

I think most clinicians will find these statements troubling. Whatever the original intention, they might more often than not be setting up the person for relapse and creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure and doom.

Tony Robbins, an international lecturer, says in his seminars, "When you believe something is true, you literally go into the state of it being true. . . . Changed behavior starts with belief, even at the level of physiology" (Robbins 1990). And Norman Cousins, who learned firsthand the power of belief in eliminating his own illness, concluded in his book Anatomy of an Illness, "Drugs are not always necessary. Belief in recovery always is." If patients believe they can be more powerful than food and can be recovered, they have a better chance of it. I believe all patients and clinicians will benefit if they begin and involve themselves in treatment with that end in mind.

SUMMARY

The three main philosophical approaches to the treatment of eating disorders do not have to be considered exclusively when deciding on a treatment approach. Some combination of these approaches seems to be the best. There are psychological, behavioral, addictive, and biochemical aspects in all cases of eating disorders, and therefore it seems logical that treatment be drawn from various disciplines or approaches even if one is emphasized more than the others.

Individuals who treat eating disorders will have to decide on their own treatment approach based on the literature in the field and their own experience. The most important thing to keep in mind is that the treating professional must always make the treatment fit the patient rather than the other way around.

By Carolyn Costin, MA, M.Ed., MFCC - Medical Reference from "The Eating Disorders Sourcebook"

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 21). Philosophy and Approaches to Treating Eating Disorders, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, May 17 from https://www.healthyplace.com/eating-disorders/articles/philosophy-and-approaches-to-treating-eating-disorders

Last Updated: March 18, 2024

Recovery, Love and My Marriage

A reader recently posed this question which gave me reason to pause and reflect: "Why did your marriage fail in spite of the fact you began recovering? It seems that recovery would have helped to improve your relationship."

After nearly three years of separation and divorce and many hours in counseling offices and support groups, I still cannot give a definite answer to this question.

Therapists have told me that usually when one partner starts recovery, one of two things happen: 1.) the non-recovering partner starts to recover, too or 2.) the non-recovering partner leaves and the relationship ends.

I did not want my marriage to end, but I did want improvements in the way my ex-wife and I related to one another. I worked extremely hard at recovery in order to effect changes in myself. However, a relationship is comprised of two people. Although I began a recovery program and maintained it, after about 22 months, my ex-wife decided she could no longer live with me and left.

There were lots of factors involved, but basically, throughout our marriage, she had the upper hand. To maintain her dominant position, she would withhold herself from me both emotionally and sexually as a way of controlling me into meeting her expectations. Kind of like saying, "If you aren't a good boy, I'll take away your privileges." Initially, the periods of punishment would last a few hours, but the longer we were married, the longer these periods became—lasting days on end—and then overlapping. Punishment was triggered by any action or word that did not comply with her expectations of me as a husband. Being co-dependent, the idea of being emotionally and physically abandoned was terrifying to me, so I became compliant early on in our marriage to keep her happy. But I also developed a deep-seated anger toward her. Initially, I manifested this anger as depression.

However, once I started recovering and getting a healthy perspective on relationships, I challenged her dominance and our own relationship digressed into a fierce power struggle. It was as much my fault as hers. I refuse to say it was all my fault, or the result of my depression, as she and her family desperately wanted me to believe. I began manifesting my anger late in the marriage through rage, name-calling, and fighting (which, I admit, was inexcusable behavior on my part). This was also facilitated by the fact that I was sporadically taking Wellbutrin, a psychotropic which has been clinically proven to bring out dormant hostility.


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We agreed to separate in January of 1993 and after about three weeks, I wanted to end the separation. She refused and filed a restraining order, which required me to attend anger management treatment. This actually worked out as my introduction to the benefits of group therapy. After about five months of separation and counseling, I discovered that I could survive on my own. My recovery began in August of 1993 when a therapist suggested I attend a CoDA meeting.

When we got back together again in December of 1993, I was still not fully aware of all the dynamics of our personalities and how much the power play was warping our marriage. I didn't want to be in control, but neither did I want to be controlled. She still wanted to be in control, and didn't seem to be happy unless she was. This time, the struggle for dominance manifested itself primarily in our decision making process. We could not agree on anything (this is no exaggeration). She would probably rebutt by saying I never made any firm decisions, but from my perspective, she was never happy with the decisions I did make and constantly second-guessed me. What I wanted was for us to make decisions together, rather than one of us forcing a decision upon the other. In order to make her happy (a major warning sign of co-dependency), I tried giving in for a while, hoping she would change, But eventually, one tires of giving in all the time. It's that mature, delicate balance of both individuals being big enough to give and take that makes a relationship healthy and fulfilling.

I must also point out two additional factors that helped destroy our marriage. She came from a very strict, legalistic religious background and had unrealistic expectations of Biblical proportion about how marriage was supposed to be. Along with that, her mother exercises passive / aggressive control over her father. So my ex-wife was just doing what had been engrained and modeled for her. Because it was church and parents, she never questioned whether these ideas were best for our situation. I honestly don't believe it was a malicious, mean-spirited intention on her part. I honestly think she just had unquestionable expectations about marriage and our marriage did not measure up to those expectations in her mind. One of those expectations was that the wife calls all the shots and "rules the roost" so to speak. This is exactly how it is in her parent's marriage—her mother is in complete control of her father. I believe from conversations with her mother, that she probably gave my ex-wife lots of advice in the area of "man-handling" tactics.

The difference between me and her father is that her father complies to keep the peace. He even suggested I do likewise. With us, however, the struggle eventually became a "deadly embrace" because I rebelled. I didn't want to be controlled—I didn't want us to play passive / aggressive games. I wanted a healthy, mature relationship; however, she didn't want to give up her position of dominance or question her expectations. The end came one night in September of 1995 when I woke her up yelling about a decision I wanted to negotiate. But she had already made up her mind on this particular decision. No, it wasn't mature of me to yell at her. But neither was it mature of her to be non-negotiable. We both should have handled it differently. I came home from work the next day to find her gone again. After months of fruitless pleading with her and her family to work things out, I filed for divorce in February, 1996. The divorce was final in May, 1997.


I believe that part of her motivation for refusing to work things out was to control me on a spiritual basis. Her form of religion states that I cannot divorce her and re-marry without sinning. In other words, if I wouldn't live by her rules, she'd could leave me and force me into a life of married celibacy, or force me into compliance with her demands on my knees. (Of course, her actions fly in the face of Christ's injunction: treat others as you want to be treated.) But I am not bound by her legalistic interpretations of the Bible. My view is that I have been abandoned. I am free to form a new relationship with someone who loves me and will treat me as an equal, rather than trying to control me through the grossly misguided use of the tough love tactics espoused by psychologist David "Dare to Discipline" Dobson.

It's an awfully sad story, and it didn't have to end the way it did. In fact, I even asked her on the final day we sat down with our lawyers to settle whether we could work things out. She would not answer, nor would she explain why. Her lawyer merely laughed and suggested I was mentally ill for even asking.

Come to think of it, perhaps I was.

Hindsight and new relationships have shown me that our marriage really was a living hell. I think my ex-wife would probably agree. So I guess the fact our marriage ended actually was a happy ending for us both.

Thank you, God for happy endings. You have shown me that You will work things out for the best, even if, from my limited perspective, I cannot see it at the time. Thank You for showing me how to recover. Thank You for being my friend. Thank You for loving me enough to bear patiently with me through my growth process. Thank You for the new relationships You have brought into my life that are healthy, supportive, loving, and nurturing. Amen.


continue story below

next: Letting Go of the Future

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 21). Recovery, Love and My Marriage, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, May 17 from https://www.healthyplace.com/relationships/serendipity/recovery-love-and-my-marriage

Last Updated: August 8, 2014

Fear of Intimacy

sex and intimacy

Do you believe that it is through connection and interaction that one gains a more varied awareness and deeper capacity to live in the world?

I do.

Do you know how to give?

Do you know how to take?

Can you do both?

If not you can change, but not overnight.

I believe the ability to do both will provide for an enduring and intimate relationship.

Are you whole enough in your self to be intimate?

NO? YES?

"If you have a wounded or shattered sense of self," says Dr. Holly Hein, "you may still have a fear of intimacy. It will interfere with your capacity for intimacy."

Fear of Intimacy

Click to buy Sexual DetoursHein, author of Sexual Detours, says two seemingly opposite sets of emotions interfere with intimacy: abandonment and control. At their root, they are the same in that they both occur in individuals with a fragile sense of self-esteem, yet at first glance they appear strikingly dissimilar. Fear of abandonment and fear of control are both sides of the same coin: fear of intimacy.

When we fear abandonment we may try to stay glued onto another. We may seek to preserve the illusion of intimacy but, in truth, maintain a distance that prevents us from the vulnerability of intimacy. We may never develop ourselves as independent, whole individuals. Instead of dealing with the fear that we won't be able to survive, we try to avoid the feeling entirely.

Fear of control occurs when intimacy feels controlling. Commitment issues are frequent manifestations of fear because we equate being close to someone by being engulfed by him or her and losing ourselves. We don't want to get too close because something that is frightening or anxiety-producing is associated with closeness. The reason we fear being "smothered" or "swallowed up" by another is that we have a fragile sense of ourselves and perceive the other person as overwhelming or dangerous. The root is again that we won't be able to survive.


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To achieve intimacy it is crucial that we have the ability to perceive our partners as they really are, not as characters in the drama taking place within us. We each want to be valued for who we really are, not as a figment of someone else's imagination.

How does our early learning about sex contribute to the quality and pattern of sexual relating? Find out here.

Ever wonder why men go to prostitutes?

next: Clearing the Roadblocks to Sexual Intimacy

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 21). Fear of Intimacy, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, May 17 from https://www.healthyplace.com/sex/psychology-of-sex/fear-of-intimacy

Last Updated: August 20, 2014

Natural Alternatives: Gotu Kola, Guarana for Treating ADHD

Parents of ADHD children and adults with ADHD share stories about using Gotu Kola and Guarana with mixed results in treatment of ADHD. Also a warning about herbal stimulant Guarana.

Gotu Kola - Centella asiatic

The following is excerpted from the Health Search newspaper published by Wilson Publications, Owensboro, KY 42303

Also known as Centella asiatica, this oriental herb has demonstrated mild tranquilizing, anti-anxiety and anti-stress effects, as well as enhancing mental functions such as concentration. It is commonly used to improve memory and treat fatigue, both mental and physical.

Mary writes......

"I muscle test my son to see what supplements he needs. He does call for Pedi Active in spurts. He says it helps him concentrate and it does seem to help.

We will continue to use it.

Muscle testing is a form of kineseology that can be life saving. You test each vitamin by holding it close to your body and asking whether you need it or not. Your body will answer the questions you ask. It sounds really weird. But my son and I lived in a toxic house and were VERY ill. I was taught this method of testing vitamins and it pulled me off the death bed. THE most important technique I ever learned.

I live in USA. I think that everyone needs to learn this technique. I wrote down all the supplements that you had in alternative treatments and tested them on my son. Found out that he needs Nutri-kids School Aid, Gotu Kola and NAET.

Fortunately I know how to do NAET, so we will continue using it. So I am adding the Nutri-kids school Aid and Gotu Kola to his daily muscle testing vitamins. I test my own vitamins at least three times a day as I am still dealing with mercury toxicity. I want to thank you for you web page. I am on my way there next to find out where to get the Nutrikids.

Again, I can not tell you how important the muscle testing techniques is. I know several people who use it. There are a few methods of doing it."

Guarana

Linda wrote to us saying:
"There is a natural herb called Guarana that has been found to be successful with many children, that is 100% natural and has the same results, if not better than the meds.

If anyone is interested in trying the Guarana for their ADD or ADHD children, or even adults, please let me know. They can get it through me and I have a dosage schedule for kids of different ages. They have nothing to lose since all Herbalife products have a 30 day money back guarantee. What Herbalife normally does is even if they don't get the results they are looking for within 30 days, they give them a free bottle to give it 60 days for results since not everyone's metabolism is the same. They just need the empty bottle from the first 30 days returned for the refund. I will be happy to give my home phone# to anyone who is interested. I have 2 children on it now, ages 10 and 17 and they love it. They are getting the same results in school, plus they don't get the zombie feeling that Ritalin tends to give them. The 17yr old, did his own research on long term effects of Ritalin, and got to the point where he refused to take it anymore, so we gave the Guarana a try. He has talked to some of his friends about trying it for them, but alot of these kids think its really cool to be taking a narcotic drug and do it legally, and then alot of the parents don't want to switch. One because their insurance pays for it, even though they still wind up paying a good amount for what insurance doesn't cover and two, because they are skeptical of taking them off of something that works, and three because their can be an issue with their schools as far as taking pills go.

Anyway, thank you for your time and concern and if I can be of any help to anyone in the future, please let me know. Oh by the way, Guarana comes in tablet form and concentrate which is a tea. "

Thank you

Linda

Below is a copy of part of a letter Morgan sent to Linda, Morgan copied this to us and requested we added this information.

"'Guaranas' active agent is [identical to] caffeine. On adders.org, you told of children on ritalin switching to guarana; with equal results. This is a dangerous, and sorry to say it, ignorant assertion. I also find it impossible to believe.

The nuerological effects of guarana are completely different than Ritalin, an amphetamine which affects nuerotransmitters in the brain. It doesn't simply work because it is a STIMULANT.

If you gave a hyperactive kid guarana, they'd go as crazy as a jungle monkey. I know I did, and do still, on guarana or other caffeiene source."

Morgan also sent this to us at adders.org:

"It is NOT a 'theory' that guarana is bad for ADD sufferers, it is a clear medical reality. IT IS CAFFEINE. At the least, it affects adults and children with ADD exactly the same as everyone else.

I would further hypothesise that ADD sufferers have a more heightened response to caffeine. I notice what it does to me, guarana or otherwise."




Mike from California wrote to us saying:

"Hello, I just wanted to put in my 2 cents worth on the Guarana....

Saying Guarana is a "Glorified Caffeine", would be the same as saying Adrenaline is the same as Caffeine. Inspection of the Guarana molecular structure clearly shows it to be a separate structure, with differences as significant as the difference between Caffeine and Adrenaline.

I use it for ADD on a daily basis and it works wonderfully for me. Coffee does not, Being ADD, it is my choice of medication, as it is not only functional in keeping me focused, it is also inexpensive and readily available. I do not sell it! So I'm not saying this for money. I also do not sell any other meds, so it doesn't cost me any lost revenues to suggest it is very much worth a try. I've been using it for over eight years and it works for me.

This is in no way a suggestion that it will or will not work for anyone else, but if it does, great. Everybody is different and has different reactions to similar types of compounds.

I think to state out of hand that it wouldn't or couldn't work is irresponsible, as much or more so than to say it does. I don't have a PhD at the end of My name to "Qualify" my statement but I have been ADD all my life, so I speak from experience and directly from the heart.

I was in serious trouble until I started using Guarana, had not finished any thing in my life ( Lots of starts), and literally could not remember if I was coming or going. It drove me to depression and tears.

I do not claim it as any sort of cure, as I regress to confusion without it. I don't know why it works for me.

Thank You"

We checked out Guarana on the net and found the main site for the people who manufacture this as a drink. It was very interesting what they had to say about Guarana for ADHD and how they are "quite skeptical about many of these stories":

"Guarana (pronounced gwa-ra-naa) is a berry that grows in Venezuela and the northern parts of Brazil. The name 'Guarana' comes from the Guarani tribe that lives in Brazil. Guarana plays a very important role in their culture, as this herb is believed to be magical, a cure for bowel complaints and a way to regain strength. They also tell the myth of a 'Devine Child', that was killed by a serpent and whos eyes gave birth to this plant. Guarana's biological name, Paullinia Cupana, was taken from the German medical botanist C.F. Paullini, who discovered the tribe and the plant in the 18th century. The taste of Guarana is distinctive and unique, and the main reason for its success in Brazil as a soft drink. The main ingredient of guarana is guaranine, which is chemically identical to caffeine. This is the reason for the energy boost people get after taking guarana."

They go on to say...

"A negative side effect of its popularity is the mystification of guarana. Some companies market their Guarana-based products as a drug doing miracles for headaches, overweight, neurological disorders like ADHD, and numerous other diseases. We are quite skeptical about many of these stories, but feel free to share your experiences with these products in our Guarana forum."

Mary Kay from USA says.........

"I have never taken Guarana as something to relieve my ADHD, but I do know the following about guarana:

1.) It's a berry
2.) Guarana is often used in "designer drinks" that contain herbs, berries, etc for alternative/non-traditional uses or "sports drinks".
3.) Guarana is used in these "energy-booster" drinks because it contains caffeine.

I thought I'd put that last part because I know some of your remedies on your site include the removal of caffeine from one's diet.

Just thought you should know."

Report highlights potential dangers of supplements

Reuters Health 2003-01-10

By Amy Norton

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - Better safety monitoring is needed for dietary supplements, some of which have the potential for "substantial hazard," according to a US study released Thursday. The study of 11 poison control centers nationwide found that the centers received more than 2,300 calls about dietary supplements in 1998. In all, researchers believe nearly 500 people had symptoms likely caused by a supplement, and the "adverse events" ranged from mild to serious.

In fact, one third of supplement-related problems were moderate or severe, according to findings published in the January 11th issue of The Lancet. Serious symptoms included seizure, heart-rhythm disturbances and liver dysfunction, among other problems. Four deaths were thought to be tied to supplements. These poison-control figures cannot be used to estimate the safety risk to the average consumer taking dietary supplements, since many variables go into that, the study authors point out. Still, they say the findings highlight the fact that supplements, despite their widespread "natural" image, can carry side effects.




"The most important implication for the general public is that serious adverse events do occur (with) over-the-counter dietary supplements," Dr. Susan Smolinske, one of the study authors, told Reuters Health.

The side effects, if any, naturally vary with the supplement, added Smolinske, of Wayne State University in Detroit, Michigan.

In this study, she said, some of the supplements "more likely to be a problem" included ma huang, guarana, ginseng and St. John's wort, as well as products containing multiple active ingredients.

Ma huang, also known as ephedra, is an ingredient of some supplements touted for weight loss. The herb affects the cardiovascular and central nervous systems, and has already been linked to the risk of seizure, heart attack and sudden death, even in healthy people. The US Food and Drug Administration has issued an alert warning consumers against its use, particularly along with caffeine.

Guarana is another herbal stimulant used in some products sold as energy boosters and diet aids. Potential side effects include nausea, anxiety and irregular heartbeat. Both ginseng and St. John's wort can interact with certain prescription drugs. And heavy overdoses of ginseng have been reported to cause sleeplessness, muscle tension and swelling. Dietary supplement refers to a broad category of products that includes herbs, vitamins, minerals, amino acids and various traditional "remedies." Unlike drugs, these products are not evaluated by the US Food and Drug Administration for safety and effectiveness before hitting the market.

According to Smolinske and her colleagues, their findings suggest that dietary supplements require better surveillance--"particularly mandatory reporting of adverse events." In addition, they call for a comprehensive registry of dietary supplements so that information on their intended effects and side effects is easily accessible to poison control centers and others. Only about a third of the supplements reported to the centers were listed on the main commercial database that poison-control staff use.

The findings also "warrant concern" about the lack of child-resistant packaging on supplements, the study authors add. Among the reports of adverse symptoms were 48 cases involving children who accidentally took a supplement.

Ed. Note: Please remember, we do not endorse any treatments and strongly advise you to check with your doctor before using, stopping or changing any treatment


 


next: Help for Eating Problems in Children with ADHD
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~ all add/adhd articles

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 21). Natural Alternatives: Gotu Kola, Guarana for Treating ADHD, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, May 17 from https://www.healthyplace.com/adhd/articles/gotu-kola-guarana-for-treating-adhd

Last Updated: February 12, 2016

One Day at a Time

A lot of my early recovery was learning the "one day at a time" habit.

In 1993, when I first had to face the stress of separation, child support payments, being a part-time dad, and struggling to provide for two households, I absolutely tortured myself with every possible combination of "what if?" thinking. I'm sure I suffered self-induced depression over the mental anguish.

What a relief when I found a CoDA support group where I could safely verbalize these issues rather than internalizing them. I realized that having "what if" concerns is normal, and that I had to confront my feelings about the situation rather than worrying. In other words, for me, the "what ifs" became one way of identifying and focusing on my feelings rather than denying them.

Since I could not deal with my whole life problem all at once, I took to heart "one day at a time" and for a long time, focused on that one principle. Also, a member of the local CoDA group gave me the "Just For Today" poem. I put it in my day planner and read it every day. Often, several times a day. Then, someone else gave me a bookmark with the same poem, and I still use it in my recovery books.

Most days though, it was one moment at a time, because the pain was so great. Slowly, I learned to face reality and deal with life on life's terms, rather than getting depressed, falling into denial, trying to control the people and situations causing the pain, or playing endless variations of "what if" to the point of jeopardizing my mental and physical health.

Eventually, the "one day at time" recovery tool became one of many recovery habits that saved my sanity and my life.


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next: Letting Go of Fear

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 21). One Day at a Time, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, May 17 from https://www.healthyplace.com/relationships/serendipity/one-day-at-a-time

Last Updated: August 8, 2014

James Frey's One True Thing

The Stanton Peele Addiction Website, 21 February, 2006.

Stanton Peele and Amy McCarley

For all his lies and wild exaggerations, nobody seriously disputes that James Frey did successfully overcome alcohol and drug addiction without the help of Alcoholics Anonymous. Too bad his description of why and how he accomplished this - which might help many others - has gotten lost in Frey's spectacular fall from grace.

addiction-articles-126-healthyplaceJames Frey's memoir, A Million Little Pieces, became a best-seller after Oprah Winfrey selected it for her book club in October, 2005. In his memoir Frey, a young man from a prosperous family, reported in gory detail the consequences of overimbibing alcohol for a decade and a three-year crack binge. After what he described as years of police run-ins and blackouts, Frey finally was sent to a treatment center (unnamed in the book, but later revealed to be Hazelden) at age 23 after a fall down a fire escape left him with a broken nose, four teeth missing, and a hole in his cheek.

But it turned out that Frey had made up the most exciting incidents of substance abuse in his book, The Smoking Gun website revealed in January of this year. In the primary example of this, Frey claimed to have hit a police officer with his car after smoking crack. Figuring that a big lie is as easy to tell as a little one, Frey added to this fiction that he resisted arrest and fought with police while attempting to incite a riot among bystanders, and to have as a result served three months in a county jail. None of this was remotely true (although Frey was drunk and had a minor mishap with his car, he was extremely polite to a police officer and spent a few hours in custody).

As a result of these and other lies, Oprah publicly stripped Frey of his Book Club status. Lost amid all of the furor about Frey and his dishonesty has been Frey's rejection of his treatment at Hazelden, of its 12 step program, and of AA - from which Hazelden, like virtually every other private hospital program in the U.S., takes its treatment principles. Indeed, from the start of his stardom, little has been made of this aspect of Frey's work, and Frey has seemingly downplayed it - certainly on the Oprah Show.

This article addresses the sources of Frey's deceit - and the ease with which people accepted his tall tales - while reasserting those parts of his book that are true and make the most sense according to psychological principles and addiction research. As one example of his iconoclastic views, Frey declared: "Addiction is not a disease. Not even close. Diseases are destructive medical conditions that human beings do not control. . . . People don't want to accept the responsibility for their own weakness, so they place the blame on something they're not responsible for, like disease or genetics."

Why Did Frey Lie, and Why Did People Accept His Lies?

Frey's raucous memoir is a wild and wooly tale of drinking and drug abuse, exotic sexual and other exploits, death, and physical violence - with Frey as the existential hero at the center of these events. His melee with police and supposed subsequent jail sentence are the primary examples of his fictitious John Wayne persona. Frey depicts himself as a macho character barely capable of restraining - and often giving vent to - his violent impulses.

But why would Oprah, Random House, and 3.5 million readers believe the unending stories of death and violence Frey spins? Frey insinuated himself into a train accident that killed a girl he knew; the girlfriend he was supposed to reunite with after leaving jail hung herself just before he arrived; Frey was originally facing years in prison, but a judge and crime figure he met at Hazelden conspired to reduce the sentence to months in jail - all of these Frey stories are demonstrably false.

Even The Smoking Gun did not initially question Frey's accuracy, since they are used to people hiding their police run-ins and prison records. Rather, they were simply trying to discover a mug shot. The uncovering of Frey's string of falsehoods was thus inadvertent. TSG now can move on to Europe to investigate Frey's story that he feared he murdered a priest who tried to grope him by kicking him repeatedly in the groin (homophobic fantasies, anyone?).

Frey addressed this testosterone-fueled caricature he created for himself in an apologia at the Random House Web site. "I made alterations in my portrayal of myself, most of which portrayed me in ways that make me tougher and more daring and more aggressive than in reality I was, or am." The policeman questioned by The Smoking Gun who arrested a polite Frey might be closer to the mark: "He thinks he's a bit of a desperado. . . . making a bunch of crap up." Frey is typical of many privileged young men who dream about being bad asses.

But Frey had other reasons to lie. Drug degradation sells. People want to hear about the horrible things people do while high on crack and drunk. Given this, Frey might well have concluded that amplifying his war stories would enhance their appeal.

Frey had a chance to observe this process close up. He describes a speech given by a former patient, a rock star, to Hazelden inmates. The man detailed ridiculous levels of drug and alcohol use (a $4,000-$5,000 daily drug habit, "five bottles of strong liquor" a night, 40 valium to go to sleep). The lies outraged Frey: "The truth is all that matters. This is fucking heresy."

Indeed, Frey could regularly observe the embellishment of lurid life stories at his various group meetings. Accuracy is not a requirement at these confessionals - vividness is. Many or most AA members undoubtedly exaggerate their exploits in their efforts to upstage one another. After all, the only thing worse than being an addicted sadsack is being a dull addicted sadsack.

Of course, Hazelden staff didn't call the rock star on his lies. In their view, such outlandish claims serve to instruct gullible patients about how their use can escalate beyond their wildest imagination. One sidelight in all of this is how important it is to question public and private testimony about substance abuse degradation. Our cultural ethos supports such horror stories - at Hazelden and elsewhere, you simply can't say enough bad about drugs.

To review the history of ridiculous claims about drugs (and, alcohol, for example during the Temperance period) is beyond the scope of this article. However, we can briefly recall here that, in January of 1968, Norman M. Yoder, commissioner of the Pennsylvania Office of the Blind, claimed that six college students blinded themselves by staring at the sun while tripping on LSD. The story was widely reported in the legitimate news media, although it was a fabrication. In 1980, Washington Post reporter Janet Cooke wrote about an 8-year-old addict who had been taking heroin since he was five, for which she won a Pulitzer Prize. This story too was made up.


Although Mr. Yoder and Ms. Cooke lost their jobs because their efforts at fiction did not correspond with their job descriptions, this is not always the outcome for those who inaccurately report about drugs. For example, in August 1994, the New York Times ran a front page story about an epidemic of overdose due to China Cat, "a blend of heroin so pure it promised a perfect high, but instead killed 13 people in five days." A few days later, buried deep in the newspaper, the Times reported that much of the story was wrong. Two of the men had died of natural causes, and another four also had no heroin in their systems. The other seven had taken other drugs in combination with heroin.

No Times reporters or editors were fired in this case for swallowing whole an urban legend. After all, the thinking goes, their excessiveness was in the service of a good cause - making drug use look even more dangerous than it is. But, as Frey's case demonstrates, lies, misrepresentations, and inaccuracies have negative consequences. For example, the Times' inaccuracies disguise that it is more dangerous - leading to more deaths - to combine drugs than it is to take a strong dose of pure heroin.

How About Frey's Claims About His Treatment?

Random House corroborated Frey's book by producing two fellow Hazelden inmates - one the judge Frey described. Both, according to the New York Times, supported Frey's "overall description" of his treatment experience against objections by Hazelden staff. Predictably, the two patients did say that Frey exaggerated the confrontations among inmates and staff. For his part, according to the Times, "Frey has admitted to embellishing his past, but has maintained that his experiences in drug rehabilitation were real."

Frey failed to gain traction at Hazelden from the outset. He was repeatedly lectured that "the only way . . . you'll be able to control your addictions is by working the Twelve Steps." For Frey, this indicates he was headed for failure directly out of the blocks: "People like you keep saying it's the only way, so I'm thinking that I might as well just put myself out of my misery now and save myself and my family the pain of the future."

As a result of his feelings about religion, Frey is not favorably oriented towards the 12-step philosophy with which Hazelden indoctrinates its "patients." "God," "Him," or a "higher power," is mentioned in half of the steps. The third step requires patients to declare they have "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." AA acolytes try to ignore the religiosity of the steps by claiming they are "spiritual." This doesn't wash for Frey: "From where I sit, all religion and spiritual thought are the same thing." And, for Frey, belief or disbelief in God had nothing to do with quitting an addiction.

Frey's objections to the Hazelden treatment process are consistent with the personal philosophy he expresses in his book. Frey portrays himself as a serious atheist and a follower of Taoism. Why would he lie about not believing in God? "The whole thing is based on a belief in God. I don't have it and I never will." Perhaps The Smoking Gun will produce witnesses who have seen Frey praying intensely in church - but we don't think so.

Meanwhile, every appeals court which has heard the issue has declared that the 12 steps are religious. As a result, coercion into AA and treatment by courts, prisons, and government agencies violates the First Amendment's separation of church and state. This ruling is consistently violated around the United States .

Frey's feeling that it wasn't right for him to be forced to follow such religious preaching is thus based on sound legal principles. Moreover, it is a violation of patients' rights to compel them to adopt beliefs they don't hold, or actively disagree with. A violation, that is, in anything other than American substance abuse treatment. Furthermore, psychological research indicates that people's motivation to change is enhanced when a therapy is consistent with their values. On the other hand, the effort to change people's behavior at a low point by attacking their feelings and beliefs is kicking people when they are down, and is profoundly counterproductive. Frey understands this truth: "when someone needs help most, you deny it to them because they believe in something different than you or need a different kind of help than what you think is right."

New recruits who balk at AA's teaching are often derided, as was Frey, with taunts that they are welcome to maintain their beliefs, to keep making decisions for themselves, and to continue on their current paths - which, they are mocked, are working so well for them. The Hazelden process encourages addicts to plummet into despair - like a religious sinner - in the view that this is the best way to encourage change. Instead, deriding already demoralized people undermines their self-confidence at precisely the moment they need it the most, and can cause permanent damage. Perhaps Frey's megalomaniac fantasies were his effort to counteract Hazelden's assaults on his self-esteem.

(Frey reports showing up at Hazelden disoriented and requiring immediate oral surgery, which he claims he underwent without anesthesia, another disputed point in his book. Although he has acknowledged making up stories of his violent actions, crimes, and imprisonment, Frey partially defends his description of unanaesthetized surgery: "I wrote that passage from memory, and have medical records that seem to support it. . . . [although] my memory may be flawed." In fact, we have each observed abstinence programs and AA groups that insist participants take no pain-killing medications, and we believe it possible Frey was operated on with only a topical anesthetic.)

All of this explains why, contrary to Hazelden's and AA's self-promoting myths and popular opinion, traditional treatment and AA are not particularly successful ways to overcome addictions. For example, AA's own surveys reveal that only 5 percent of initial attendees at AA meetings continue with AA for as long as a year. (This is not a guarantee that they've actually quit drinking - or even that they've cut back.)

Research on alcoholism treatment finds 12-step treatment and AA to be ineffective compared with teaching addicts coping skills and eliciting their internal motivations to quit (called "motivational enhancement"). Counselors at Hazelden actually used their low success rate to convince Frey to accept the 12 steps: "AA and the Twelve Step are the only real options. . . .Fifteen percent of those who try them are sober for more than a year. [This figure is so low because addiction] is an incurable illness. . . . there's nothing else you can do."

Frey is repeatedly lectured at Hazelden, "addiction is a disease. . . . a chronic and progressive disease. . . .the inability to control and the lack of choice is but a symptom of the disease." But Frey rejects this idea on such sound grounds as that, with real diseases, people "do not choose when to have them, they do not choose when to get rid of them." Frey instead asserts that every choice to use is a decision: "Do I or don't I. Am I going to take or am I not going to take. Am I going to be a pathetic dumbshit addict and continue to waste my life or am I going to say no and try to stay sober and be a decent person." Actually, isn't treatment at Hazelden a way of convincing people to control themselves?


Not surprisingly, Frey simply despises AA. When told that the only alternative to AA is relapse and death, Frey declares: "I'd rather have that than spend my life in church basements listening to people whine and bitch and complain. . . . It is the replacement of one addiction with another." Frey expresses objections that many - a silent majority - of alcoholics and addicts feel towards AA and its steps. This is why so many people desert AA and fail at treatment programs. These people simply don't feel that the best way to change is to decide that they are powerless, turn themselves over to God, and participate in group confessionals.

Such people, like Frey, would obviously do better in therapy programs that did not require them to spend most of their emotional energy struggling to accept precepts that contradict their own instincts about what will make them better. Disagreeing with the 12 steps should not disqualify people from receiving treatment and support in overcoming an addiction. Atheists deserve help too! As it is, objections like Frey's to treatment are not only ignored - they are labeled "denial," a symptom of the disease that is to be overcome.

Why Do People Ignore Frey's Anti-AA, Anti-Disease, and Anti-Treatment Message?

Most people are so prejudiced in favor of - or just don't recognize any alternative to - 12 steps and AA, they don't hear Frey's negative attitudes towards this approach. AA is the most successful combination of a social movement/public relations organization in twentieth century America . It has cornered the addiction treatment market - indeed, its 12 steps have been applied to virtually every unhealthy habit Americans can have. On top of this, it may be that Frey laid on his sensationalistic "accounts" of debauchery and mayhem so thick that most readers were distracted from his critique of 12-step therapy.

Furthermore, Frey began to downplay his anti-AA and anti-treatment philosophy. When Frey appeared on John Stossel's anti-treatment special on ABC ("Help Me, I Can't Help Myself") with one of us (SP) in April 2003, he ridiculed the 12 steps. But when Frey appeared on Oprah after being selected for her book club in the fall of 2005, he seemed to change his tune. Viewers were unable to discern that he differed from the typical recovering addict. As one viewer we know reported, "When I saw him on Oprah on the original book club appearance, I figured he was an AA member because he was shown doing things like going around apologizing to people from his drunk days, which I thought was straight from the AA playbook."

The Smoking Gun describes how Frey "traveled to a Minnesota clinic and gave an on-camera pep talk to Sandie, a viewer who checked herself into rehab after learning about Frey's book . . . . 'If I can do it, you can do it,' Frey told her." Thus Frey helped television to prod people to enroll in the kind of treatment he rejected, undercutting the mission he outlined at the Random House web site:

I survived my addictions. I lived through them and past them. I did not do it the way most are told is the only way. I did not use God or a Higher Power or a Twelve Step Group of any kind. I used my will, my heart, my friends, my family. Most people who use God or a Higher Power or a Twelve Step Group fail. There is another way that might work. It worked for me. I want to share it. I hope it works for others.

Frey's Greatest Failure

There is one other reason James Frey's views about addiction and treatment have not had a big impact, despite his book's overwhelming success. He doesn't believe them totally himself. After all, Frey is a guy who wasted a lot of time taking drugs and drinking, thereby violating his own values of self-reliance and wanting to be a contributing member of society. Thus the two parts of Frey's book - the outlandish claims about his drunken and drugged behavior, and his fearlessness in turning to himself for a cure - are at war with each other.

We can view Frey's addictiveness as really his own acceptance in a part of him of the AA message he felt that he had to reject. How else are we to interpret Frey's various descriptions in the book of "the great and terrible rock" (crack):

Give me more please give me more I want need have to have more. I'll give my life heart soul money future everything please give me more. I want need have to have more. Give me more and I'll give you everything. Give me more and I'll do whatever you want.

In order to justify his own past behavior, Frey simply restates the disease prophecy: "I was weak and pathetic and I couldn't control myself." But, as he embarked on his own self-cure through the unique approach of exposing himself to the temptation of drugs and alcohol without using, it turned out at some point he did have the motivation to control himself. "I have a decision to make. It is a simple decision. It has nothing to do with God or Twelve of anything other than twelve beats of my heart. . . . Yes or no."

That the crucial, original part of Frey's book - the heartfelt and accurate part - has not been heard indicates how difficult it is to break the AA hegemony in the United States . The worst thing about AA - and the experience Frey underwent at Hazelden - is its denial of the existence of valid alternative paths to ending addiction. We have reached an impasse until more people who end their addictions quietly, on their own terms, come forward to reveal their personal experiences. But, in order to do that these silent veterans of addiction would have to violate what likely led them to their own brand of recovery: they value their privacy and they want to develop a meaningful life separate from a therapy program. Such people do not feel an urge to proselytize.

Frey's moral failings have undercut his ability to promote self-cure of addiction. It will take a stronger person than Frey - perhaps many such people - to fight the monolithic American treatment system. Frey has lost the claims of authority and authenticity to assert what he really believes - that America 's ineffective drug and alcohol treatment, as well as its cultural wellsprings, are limited by religious beliefs and drug bogeymen.

next: Love and Addiction - 2. What Addiction Is, and What It Has to Do with Drugs
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APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 21). James Frey's One True Thing, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, May 17 from https://www.healthyplace.com/addictions/articles/james-freys-one-true-thing

Last Updated: June 28, 2016

Affirming Your Right to Love

Getting Off The Rollercoaster

This chapter is about the recognition of self worth. It's intent is to help you obtain your entitled right to Love, and to bring about a happy and productive life. However, to receive Love, we have to give Love.

If you believe in a concept where forgiveness is meant only to be expressed outwardly and never to oneself, you will never go forward in life. But when you learn to understand and tame the Ego, and live with a Love guided by Truth and instinct, you will easily negate any feelings that try to maintain unworthiness.

Even though the potential for these feelings will always be present in our lives, the action of asserting new beliefs and thinking, will guide you to the truth that where there is Love, there is no fear. When you assert yourself, you are empowering yourself with actions motivated from Truth and Love. It will be through this new way of thinking that your actions will be automatically good and kind. You cannot be selfish when your actions are Loved based, and in knowing that, no person can rightly call you selfish.

When people lovingly assert themselves in the company of others who are still guided by any degree of Ego thinking, they will naturally relate this behaviour with their own fear based thinking. When they see people acting with a confidence born from feelings linked with Truth and love, any fears that they may be harbouring will come out in some form of opposition or resistance. An attempt to project guilt on that person for their behaviour is a typical conditioned response to actions outside their own sphere of experience and understanding. Should such circumstances arise for you, then simply activate your awareness rather than defensive options and ask yourself:

"What is the fear that motivates this persons opposition?"

As you maintain such peaceful attitudes, your commitment to the task that you are asserting yourself to will remain intact.


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Here we can see how the importance of acting to ones truth is tested when people try to assert their own thinking upon you. Be Alert! because their own fear based thinking has the potential to become a limiting factor in your own growth experiences. As you learn to identify your own truth by cultivating instinct, you become more in tune with the paths that are right for you. By following your own truth, you can never fall into the trap of blaming others from entering into any mistake.

Sometimes, there may be a requirement to step out very, very boldly, but there might also be strong or conflicting signals from two or more areas. If you make a mistake, then simply try to learn from such experiences. Since you want to learn, you shall lay aside burdens of shame, guilt, or embarrassment, as you then face your newest truth which acknowledges your error.

Developing your own independence is greatly advanced by the input of other independent people. Not only from an ability to grow by example, but by nurturing and maintaining your own inner thinking which says that you no longer need be dependent on externals for your Spiritual and emotional well being.

As I mentioned in the Foreword, the action of producing this book was a remarkable help in consolidating all my feelings. Try writing down your own feelings as a tangible expression of your inner thoughts, and then read them out aloud to allow the words to come back to you. Quite often in the process of developing new thoughts of awareness, saying such thoughts silently to yourself can be thwarted by the action of the Ego fearing the process of change being established. It can wash over your important thoughts, as if to make you mumble a word within your mind. The effect is to reduce the power behind the new concept you are building; It is attempting to let you use matchsticks for the foundations of the magnificent Temple you are constructing... the Temple that will be your home forever.

Call on affirmations when you are struggling or are in pain. Quite often, there are certain times that we need to have access to a special reserve of strength when we become vulnerable through many and varied reasons. These are the times that the Ego will start about the business of asserting the old negative beliefs in attempt to kill the pain. Once again you must remember that the Ego is responding to the years of experiences that have come its way. When you come into such a situation, the very act of calling on an affirmation is a most wonderful sign that you are going forward.

Assert yourself! Feel free and Be free to be yourself. You are in control of every aspect of your life. Small and big, they all have equal importance since they all contain the things that shall empower you. You act to the moment with confidence and you have freed yourself from fear based thoughts and actions through awareness. You are a together person; you are one with yourself, and the true loving self acts with peaceful confidence in all situations.

The great variety of experiences that people write about, give us the ability to find someone who talks of aspects of life that hit very close to home. When we come across such a book, we feel we are no longer alone. We feel there are people out there who understand what is real for us. We feel that someone appreciates and cares enough to let us know that they are thinking of our situation. Even though they may not be with us in person, we can find comfort in knowing that there is always someone out there who Loves us. Such books are providing a bond for humanity from common experiences. We are never really alone, for our thoughts will always link us.

If we go on thinking that no one Loves us, then it is only because we are believing that no one would understand us or our situation. You have been afraid for nothing. YOU ARE LOVED. Go home to yourself and find your peace. When you have rested, wake up, go outside, then look around; Love will not be very far.


Step out and admit your new confident self to Yourself. Don't shrink back from the knowledge that you are empowered. Remember, You are a Good Person. Uncover the dreams that you've always had, for now you have all that is necessary to pursue the long overdue things you've been putting off for so long. With the discovery of your new energies, you will be unstoppable.

Never criticise your best efforts. In the learning process that one goes through in turning a lifestyle completely around, mistakes become an inevitable part of the journey. However, it is through these mistakes that we come to Hone-in on the way of living that is just right for us. They are so important for us, that we must wait courageously for them. We might go down a road and find that we have taken a wrong turn, but we can still choose to treat these mistakes as having worth since they guide us, and tell us...

"No... don't go this way...

can you now see that this way is not for you?...

rry another way"

Remember, they are only mistakes... they WILL bring you to your ultimate freedom and ultimate destination. We all realise our own potential in different times and in different ways, but what is important to remember is that any awakening regardless of how it comes about, is indicating a vital turning point in your life. Through life's mirror action, the circumstances that bring about any awakenings can then be seen as valid and purposeful. From this we can now gain a peace since our highlighted circumstance has tapped us on the shoulder and literally rescued us. Through any such pain that allows a chance for personal growth, we can find a simple calm by letting go of any anxiety of our past since it has really untied us from old chains.


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When you are going through such a process, you must remember the concept of "THE NOW". Do not dwell on thoughts such as, "When will my life get better," but simply concentrate on the building of a better life. Get your power from your commitment to all things that are good and all things that can serve you. Your growth in the present is the most important aspect for consideration, and through Patience and gentleness of Self, you will proceed peacefully and surely. Have Faith that things will improve. If you give up your quest by giving in to the fear based ways of the Ego, you would most probably fall back into an old lifestyle since it is there that the Ego will see a deceptive security from the familiarity of known quantities that could be called on.

This way of thinking gains credibility if you stop to think that an aborted attempt to change into one new lifestyle, could be the same for any other since the fear of breaking out and the effort required might keep on dragging you backwards. By not fully letting go of your previous ways of thinking and living, you maintain an attachment to the life you are trying to depart from. On such a return, you will eventually bring new burdens of self limitations which keep holding you back in chances for opportunities, growth and goodness. Any thinking associated with unworthiness will then be given power. It is here that you might choose an option put forth by the Ego, and deny your True Self.

It is from this potential of sliding back that a foundation of determination can then be established. From now on, all your thinking must be positive and forward, and one of the tools to aid you in this task comes in the form of Affirmations.

An affirmation is generally a short sentence which is constructed and employed to alter or build new ways of thinking. They are called upon many times and in many situations to force old or negative conditioned responses from being actioned. A benefit of affirmations is the awakening to a great inner strength that is yours to call on at any time. Since the effect of affirmations is one of good and positive outcomes, the continued use of them will give you more-and-more endurance as the influence of the Ego on your thinking gradually dies away.

You will become that which you think.

Because of the limiting potential of anxiety to be present when building these new thought patterns, all aspects of your development must have the quality of Peace associated with them. It's normal to have fears and anxieties, so simply remember that you do not have to maintain such feelings. A good affirmation for this would be:

"I am growing and learning in Peace."

When you employ affirmations, always accentuate the positive.

More power is given to you when you use words such as:

WILL, DO, GO, BEGIN, BEGUN, NEW, INCREASE etc.

as opposed to:

TRY, DON'T, NEVER.

Keep your affirmation as positive as possible. For example, to say:

"I NOW KNOW WHERE MY NEW DIRECTION IS"

has a much greater impact than something like...

"I WILL NEVER DO THIS AGAIN".

"I AM BEGINNING..." rather than "I WILL BEGIN..."

"I AM SUCCEEDING..." rather than, "I CAN SUCCEED..."

"I AM NEW..." rather than, "I AM GOING TO BE NEW"

"I HAVE FOUND MY ROAD HOME ..." rather than,

"I AM GOING TO FIND MY ROAD HOME..."

"I AM ACHIEVING A PATH TO HAPPINESS."


With regard to these examples; while the second part of each shows boldness and courage, the full assertive nature of the first part delivers unquestionable determination. Affirmations must be direct and precise without any element open for consideration or ambiguity.

Another example of an Affirmation is to Record positive words that speak of your Love and Goodness on a Cassette. When you make such a recording, speak in the "Second Person". Say...

"You are a Good Person".

"Through Your Love, you are Lovable".

Let such words come to your Ears and lay to rest in your Heart as if they were spoken by your most trusted friend. Indeed... they have been said by such a person... and that Person is Yourself. Make up your own Affirmations and record them. Listen to them as you lay down to rest at the end of each day. Listen to them again in the morning as you wake up and get ready for your new day.

Affirm the power of Love in the creation of the Dawn as you step out breathe the fresh air of the new day. Affirm the goodness in All Things you see and extract the essence of it's Creation.

Ask yourself ...

Why is it here?

What simplicity within it's nature is begging me to take notice of it?

What can I gain from this thing?

Indeed, when one contemplates Bees ´, one obtains understandings of Thoroughness and discipline. When one contemplates Snails ´, one obtains understandings of Patience and Tenacity. There are no limits to the way you can bring goodness to yourself. Affirm the infinite variety of Affirmations that are available to suit your particular need. Find one that compliments the current stage of your growth and employ it as often as you like. Affirmations are not subject to over use.


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As with many things, there is always an exception to the rule, for it is from the exceptions that our learning becomes more complete. I believe that the exception to the rule of keeping affirmations totally in the positive, is an affirmation in the negative being... "I am Not my Ego".

YET EVEN MORE LOVE FOR YOU:

The next time you are sad or tearful, go to a mirror and look at yourself. You will see another person who cries, and your True Self will look with Compassionate eyes that long for the person it ´s see to be peaceful. Say to one that you see as if you were consoling a friend in time of pain...

"Be Peaceful."

Tell the one you look at that...

"Every thing is going to work out fine."

I personally found this very uplifting and powerful.

The more you flood your Life with Positive Values and Qualities, the more your Life will begin to Mirror these thoughts. Your happiness is your greatest gift to yourself, so for this happiness to be overflowing, you must believe in your worth, and your worth to happiness. Low self esteem is an illusion of Ego thinking brought about by the result of guidance not associated with Love.

What a wonderful feeling it is when we choose to think that mistakes do not have to remain permanent. This is the very concept of Forgiveness. If we can freely exercise the right to be forgiving of others, then we are equally entitled to this same forgiveness of ourselves. Remember always the Love of the True Self, and the Fear of the Ego... Which will you Choose?

Affirm your goodness. Affirm your link with Spirit. Affirm that the roads you travelled on were the roads you were on when you were searching for Love. Affirm that you can see your goal. Affirm you're on your way home. Affirm your future security and happiness. Affirm your future Love that Will be yours. Affirm the power of Affirmations.

CONTEMPLATION:

I will be gentle with myself
for it is clear to me now
that I was only ever searching for Love.

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next: Getting Off the Roller Coaster The Gratitude Principle.

APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 21). Affirming Your Right to Love, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, May 17 from https://www.healthyplace.com/alternative-mental-health/still-my-mind/affirming-your-right-to-love

Last Updated: July 21, 2014

What To Do If You Are Suicidal

Thinking about ending your life? Can't cope with the stresses. The pain is unbearable. Here's what to do if you are suicidal.Welcome to the most important page in my site. If you are reading this, it's probably because you are at the end of your rope and are ready to "cash in." Please don't do this just yet. If you've gone to the trouble of browsing to this page, at least read it all the way to the bottom. OK? I promise, you'll be glad you did.

Right now, I'm going to promise you this: I will not preach or lie to you. You deserve better than that.

First of all, I've been where you are. It may help for you to read about my experience with depression. But I want you to know this--although you probably feel completely and utterly alone, you are not. Millions of people have depression and you are by no means the first to feel this terrible nor will you be the last.

As I said, I won't preach. I won't tell you that life is sweet, just hang on, and all of that crap. It isn't necessarily true, and even if it were, you aren't buying it. The trouble is that your view of things is distorted. You won't believe that either--so I'm just going to ask you to take my word for it. For now, please just assume this is so and read on.

You are thinking about ending your life for a very simple reason: You can no longer cope with the stresses in your life. That's all there is to it. And you can't cope because the depression won't permit you to look for ways to cope. Rather than deal with problems, you assume you just "deserve" them, or something like that. But the fact is that problems, all problems, can be dealt with, but only if you take off the blinders of depression and look for those solutions.

Understand this, no-one upon no-one in this world "deserves" problems or unpleasantness. Harmful or unpleasant events cannot think. They do not pick you for some inexplicable reason. They simply happen. There is no reason for it. Bad things simply "happen"--period. You are not a factor in why they happen. You just happen to be there when they do.

I know you don't believe it, but your life is not over. It is just beginning, if you want it to. You see, you are in charge of your life. At the moment, you simply have lost direction and see no way out. All you have to do is accept that you are not in control and are not seeing things as they are. Admit this and ask for help.

Your pain is unbearable. You can't imagine living one more day this way. I know. And you probably think that your pain is spilling over onto others. Better to end your life now and spare everyone else this awful pain that you can no longer stand--right? Wrong! If you end your life, all you will do is spread your pain around, not eliminate it. The people who love you (and there are some, even if you don't think so) will mourn you for the rest of their lives. They will wonder why you did it, how they could have helped you, what way they failed you, or even why you chose to do this to them.

You see, you won't spare those who love you a lifetime of pain. You'll be inflicting one on them! Don't do it!

Right now, stop what you are doing, and call for help. Call a friend, clergyman, doctor, crisis line, or even just dial 9-1-1 if you can think of no-one else. Listen to what they say--whoever it is--and allow them to help you. You are in no shape to make decisions right now.

You've lived with the pain long enough. It's time to let someone help you with it. Please do it now, before you make a mistake that someone else will mourn for the rest of their lives.

Please.

The National Hopeline Network 1-800-SUICIDE provides access to trained telephone counselors, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Or for a crisis center in your area, go here.

next: How To Recognize Depression Symptoms
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APA Reference
Staff, H. (2008, December 21). What To Do If You Are Suicidal, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2024, May 17 from https://www.healthyplace.com/depression/articles/what-to-do-if-you-are-suicidal

Last Updated: June 20, 2016