Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List Part 47

1. Validation and Healing
2. Magical Thinking and Shared Psychosis
3. Brain Abnormalities and Mental Health Disorders
4. Competitiveness
5. Normal - or Narcissistic?
6. Fantasies as a Narcissistic Trait

1. Validation and Healing

The most critical element in the arduous process of post-traumatic healing is VALIDATION. The harrowing experiences of the victim need to be acknowledged and the victim must be embraced ("mirrored" and "held"). It is the denial of the victim's ordeal that does the most damage - far more than the trauma itself!!!

Healing time is considerably reduced with validation - regardless of who does the validating (therapist, good friend, family, colleague, neighbor). Alas, few therapists are sufficiently empathetic and knowledgeable to be of meaningful and long-term help. Moreover, society at large is antithetic to the victim's inevitable demands of compassion and resources. The therapist often reflects the community's recoil.

Things are gradually improving, though - not because the number of narcissists is on the rise (it is not), but because awareness - both public and professional - is growing. The media picked up the subject of narcissism, corporate malfeasance and greed brought narcissists to everyone's attention, the Internet made feasible the speed-of-light dissemination of knowledge and swapping of personal experiences. Narcissists find it harder to conceal their disorder and to manipulate and con others.

2. Magical Thinking and Shared Psychosis

Magical thinking is typical of the narcissist - he feels invulnerable, part of a cosmic scheme, immune to punishment, omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent,. has ideas of reference, persecutory delusions, and so on. But this propensity rarely deteriorates to occult beliefs and superstitions (as it does in the Schizotypal Personality Disorder).

Of course, if pretending to believe in esotericism guarantees him Narcissistic Supply - the narcissist would do it instantly. If he can brainwash his mate, spouse, or partner into believing it as well (as a manipulative ploy) - he would not hesitate. It is all part of the follies-a-deux, the psychosis shared by the narcissist and the other member of the couple.

3. Brain Abnormalities and Mental Health Disorders

Brain abnormalities - physiological as well and biochemical - have long been associated with the Antisocial and Borderline personality disorders.

The problem is that no one can determine cause and effect:

Are the brain abnormalities caused by the psychological disorders - or do they cause the psychological disorders?

As many of the neurological anomalies are spotted in medicated people - it is often difficult to disentangle the effects of the medication from other factors.

4. Competitiveness

Narcissists are compulsively competitive because their grandiose fantasies are unrealistic and unattainable. They must have the last word and the upper hand - or risk experiencing the excruciating grandiosity gap (the abyss between reality and the False Self-image). Emotionally, they cannot afford to be "defeated" and thus "humiliated". Too much rides on it - the very precarious balance of their personality.

5. Normal - or Narcissistic?

So much of what the narcissist does looks "normal" or "common" - yet, it never is.

From an earlier entry:

"The narcissist sees a beautiful woman, who is also reasonably clever - and he want to "convert" her."

You convert objects - such as houses or cars. You can also convert the infidel to your faith. You do not "convert" women. You court them. The very use of the word "convert" is alarming and sets the narcissist apart from normal folks.

"...to make her admire me, to cause her to spread news and views about me and "proselytize" to ever expanding circles of family and friends."

In other words, the narcissist wants to convert the woman to a function. He wants her to become a sort of bulletin board or news agency or slowly spreading poison. He wants her to recruit more victims. There is not an ounce of emotion in the sentence above.

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"This wish is the psychological equivalent of hunger or thirst (or sex drive). It is a craving gradually translated into a plan of action. But first comes the insatiable addiction to Narcissistic Supply - and only then a cognitive "blueprint" of hunting, conversion and conquest."

This is the crucial paragraph. First, there is a craving for Narcissistic Supply - and then the hunt. The narcissist pursues women not because he finds them attractive, appealing, possible soul mates, or sexual partners. He pursues women because he needs his drug. He is an energy and attention vampire and women are the best sources of this much-desired elixir.

6. Fantasies as a Narcissistic Trait

Many narcissists never unravel. Many narcissists are successful pillars of their community. Many narcissists are celebrities and celebrated as "Great Men". And they are.

What distinguishes a narcissist from a normal person is NOT the OUTCOMES of his fantasies - but their NATURE and SCOPE.

Grandiose fantasies - whether successfully realized or not - are a narcissistic trait.

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next: Articles Table of Contents

MUST HAVES for people with Bipolar Disorder (Manic Depression)

Blessed with Bipolar
by Richard Jarzynka
buy the book 

Author Richard Jarzynka was our guest on the HealthyPlace Radio Show to talk about the agony of having bipolar disorder and the blessings of this mental illness.

The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide: What You and Your Family Need to Know
By: David J. Miklowitz
buy the book 

Reader Comment: Simply put, this book has changed my life. After years of being in denial about my illness, or perhaps more correctly-in confusion about my illness, I picked this book up this summer and could not put it down.

Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for Patients and Families, 2nd Edition
By Francis Mark Mondimore M.D.
buy the book 

Reader Comment: Dr. Mondimore covers everything and leaves no stone unturned. He is so in tune with how one with Bipolar disorder feels, it is amazing!

Straight Talk about Psychiatric Medications for Kids, 3rd Edition
By: Timothy E. Wilens
buy the book 

Reader Comment: My hat is off to Jamison for having the guts and being humble enough to admit her problems.

Survival Strategies for Parenting Children with Bipolar Disorder: Innovative parenting and counseling techniques for helping children with bipolar disorder and the conditions that may occur with it
By: George T. Lynn
buy the book 

The Ups and Downs of Raising a Bipolar Child : A Survival Guide for Parents
By: Judith Lederman, Candida Fink
buy the book 

Reader Comment:
This book is extremely informative and helpful. I love the "notes from the couch" sections at the end of each chapter.

Loving Someone With Bipolar Disorder
By: Julie A. Fast, John D. Preston
buy the book 

Manic-Depressive Illness: Bipolar Disorders and Recurrent Depression, 2nd Edition
By Frederick K. Goodwin M.D., Kay Redfield Jamison
buy the book 

Reader Comment: This book is everything you need to know about manic-depressive illness that your doctor doesn't have time to tell you.

Brilliant Madness: Living with Manic Depressive Illness
By: Patty Duke
buy the book 

Reader Comment:
Patty helped to break the stereotypes that go along with mental illness.

Stanton:

I am writing because I don't really know where to turn any more and I'm having a great deal of difficulty dealing with my situation.

My fiancee and I have been together for over two years. He is a heavy pot smoker who works with a group of guys who are also heavy pot smokers. He introduced me to pot when we met and I did get into the habit of smoking one joint a day with him at bedtime (although he smokes all day long). The first year we were together he didn't smoke all that much, but since we've moved to his hometown, with his old friends - it's out of control. He's 31 and I'm 24.

The reason this is really upsetting me now is that I am 6 1/2 months pregnant. I've made all the changes and sacrifices necessary to make sure this child is born healthy in a nurturing environment. He promised to quit cut down, etc. endless times. And I kept threatening to leave if he didn't control it. He refuses to get help - says he doesn't need it. And I just don't know what to do. I am very much in love with him and want very much to give this child a family. The disgust and disappointment increases every day and I am at my wits end. I can't force him to stop - I don't want to force him to stop. It should be his own decision and desire - yet it hurts me that he hasn't done it yet, he says he wants to stop, but if did, he would have already. And just like I can't force him to stop, he can't force me to accept it.

I am about to fly back (after a year and a half being here) to my home and take care of myself and my child. I know that it's what I need to do, yet I'm scared. He recently began using cocaine again as well and the lies and excuses are amazing. If he really wanted this family and really loved me the way he says he does, why would he let the drugs do this to us? Please help me understand.

Jeannie

Dear Stanton:

I am a 26 year old female involved in a 1 year old relationship with a 31 year old man. I love him very much. He is a self admitted alcoholic. I tell him often I wish he would slow down his drinking and he wishes he could to. He has been to AA meetings in the past and felt they didn't help. He often says he needs my help. My problem or Question after everything I have done or do to help try to control his drinking is this: Is there anything I can do? I know that I can't get him to quit for me that he has to do it for himself. He will not go to meetings. Deep down he really does want to quit but I feel He is scared and he feels its too late. I feel he just doesn't know where to begin. Can you give me some advice to help him begin?

thanks,
Carol

Carol:

I am responding by enclosing another case like yours to give you some perspective.

Let's shift the question entirely to what would make you happy.

After all, your boyfriend's not writing me about his problem. You're writing me about yours.

Would refusing to see your boyfriend if he is drunk/will be drinking improve your life? Then make that happen.

The point is that, after all this discussion, you have to look after yourself and what is the best way for you to proceed. Don't be bitter or vicious toward him. Just tell him what you need to do to guarantee your own happiness.

If you are thinking you want to be married, or settle down, then you should date other men. You can tell your friend that you would be happy with him, but not with a drunken him. And you are seeking someone else as long as that is the him you would get.

Now AA is not the only way to go, as you can see if you read around my site (look at the FAQs). Plenty of people find AA uncomfortable. But there are other ways to go, and he has to find one that works for him. You can encourage as a friend, while proceeding with what you need.

If you need support for yourself to do what is best for you, then you should seek that support. The problem, the need for strength, the choices are yours.

In fact, this will probably be the best for him also.

Best,
Stanton

next: How Do I Help A Friend In A Hospital For Drug Treatment And A Suicide Attempt?
~ all Stanton Peele articles
~ addictions library articles
~ all addictions articles

"If you see a difference between where you are and where you want to be - consciously change your thoughts, words, and actions to match your grandest vision."
- Neal Donald Walsch in "Conversations with God"

Gather your want list you created on the Identify Your Wants page. Take one item off your list you most want to create and follow this process.

The Creation Process:

1) Think It - Clarify It
2) Say It - Write It
3) Do It - Take One Small Step

1.) Think It: Clarify It

Everything you see started out as just an idea. Everything. Look around the room you're sitting in. The windows, floor, door, the computer you're using. All these things were initially just an idea in someone's mind. The first step in creation is thought. But in order to create what you want, you need to have a very clear vision of what it is you want.

Find The Sponsoring Emotional Desire
It is very useful to figure out what the sponsoring emotional desire is behind your wanting. Wanting comes in layers. For example, let's say you want a car. Here is the questioning process you might go through.

You want a car. Why? To be able to drive yourself around town. Why? So you don't have to depend on others. Why? Because you like the way it feels to be independent. Why? Because it means you're freer to come and go as you wish. Why? You want to feel in control of your life. Why do you want a car? You want to feel in control and experience a feeling of freedom.

For everything we desire of a material or situation sense, there is an underlying emotional state we want to experience from it. Figure out what the bottom line emotional desire is to your material or situational wants.

It's beneficial to know the underlying desire of your wants because many of us can get stuck on fulfilling our desires in only one way. Take for example the desire to own a car talked about above. What if it were not possible for you to get a drivers license because of some physical limitation? Does this mean you will never experience the feeling of freedom or control? No, of course not, there are many ways you could accomplish your ultimate goal of feeling free and in control.

When you understand what the emotional desire is that's driving the material want, you then have options on how to fulfill that want. There are more ways then one to achieve what you ultimately want to experience.

Make Your Vision Clear
In 1993 I wanting a new home. I had a very vague idea of what it was I wanted. I knew I wanted it to be spacious and have a view, but that was about it. For the next three years I continually added specifics to my dream house. Every time I was out and saw something I liked, it was added to the picture in my mind's eye.

I created a collage of pictures torn out of magazines of homes that had certain qualities that attracted me. Then I drew a floor plan. My vision was becoming clearer and clearer. The core components were: spaciousness, high ceilings, fine workmanship, beautiful view of water, lots of windows and light, surrounded by trees, and a big porch in the back for enjoying the view.

I ran this image through my mind quite often. Although some of the specifics were missing, the way the house felt was very specific. I could feel what it was like to be in that house. I felt open, inspired, warm, free, and appreciative of the beauty that surrounded me. I had identified the sponsoring emotional desire I wanted to feel when in that house. I could feel the openness, the warmth, the freedom, the inspiration. When I visualized the home, I had the feelings as if I was already there.

In 1996 we decided to move closer to the ocean and sun. Because we were moving to a different state, we only had two weekends to find a home. Our real-estate person showed us many homes, none of which did anything for us. We decided to drive along the coastline and look for ourselves. As we turned a corner I spotted a house with a for sale sign. We stopped to take a look.

The instant I walked around to the back of the house, I knew we had found our new home. All the feelings I had been having when I visualized my new home came upon me the instant I saw the back porch, yard and view. I knew immediately that this was it. There was the view of the water, there was the big porch, there were all the windows, there were the trees, almost exactly how I had been invisioning it. It was amazing.

In many ways the home is even better than I had ever imagined. I hadn't thought to screen in part of the porch to avoid the bugs. It was an incredible experience when I think about how perfectly my visualization became a reality.

Begin visualizing what it is you want. Draw what you want. Make a collage. Identify the underlying emotional desire. Make your vision as clear as you possibly can. If you're not sure how to do this, I would highly recommend the book Creative Visualization by Shakti Gawain.

2.) Speak It: Write about it.

The second level of creation is the word. Talking about what it is you want. So far the creation process has only included yourself. This is where you begin to share with the rest of the world what it is you want. I'm not sure exactly how or why this works, but it seems the moment you begin verbalizing your desires, they somehow become more real. It's like announcing to the world what's coming into existence.

"And the word was made flesh"

Perhaps one of the reasons talking about your desires works so well is it elicits help from other people who are supportive of your wants. When others hear about your desires, they will remember them when they run into someone that might be able to help you. You create a network of people working and supporting you through the creation process.

Another way you can do this is through affirmations. Saying an affirmation is taking something that's conceptual in nature and bringing it into the concrete and tangible realm. To affirm is to "make firm." It brings an idea out into physical reality.

There are lots of ways to do this. You can say your affirmations out loud to yourself, talk to others about what it is you want, and write them down. Some repeat affirmations to themselves while meditating, but I think it's a lot more useful to get them out of your head and out into the world.

3.) Do It: Take One Small Step

The final process of creation is action. After you have thought about it, spoken and written about it, the next step is to take tangible, deliberate actions towards the creation of your wants. It's not always the big steps but the continuous every day small steps that turns our desires into reality.

Think about it, clarify it, talk about it and take one small step in the direction of your desires.

What is one small thing you could do to more towards your desire?

next: Do What You Love To Do

Self creation is about creating yourself all over again. Starting fresh and rebuilding yourself to become the very best you, you've ever imagined. It's about becoming the person you want to be and creating a life that reflects that vision.

"If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours." - Henry David Thoreau

You can't really do this until you have the ground work established. What is the ground work?

1. Taking Ownership
2. Self Awareness and
3. Self Acceptance.

Taking Ownership

You can not create yourself and your life anew without taking personal responsibility for who and where you are right now. I do not mean responsibility in a sense of blame or judgment, but responsibility so far as ownership and control.

"This life is yours. Take the power to control your own life. No one else can do it for you. Take the power to make your life happy." - Susan Polis Schutz

For many, it is a major paradigm shift when they begin to see themselves and everything in their lives as a direct result of themselves. The idea that we alone create who we are can be overwhelming, particularly if you associate that responsibility with guilt, blame or shame. Taking ownership isn't about judging your life, but simply seeing what's there and knowing your part in it all. This is not about finding fault, making judgments of right or wrong, good or bad, but simply one of ownership.

Yes, other people and events do have influence on our lives, but it is us, and us alone who determine which influences to emphasis, what meaning we give to those influences, and what beliefs we'll create based on those influences.

You are responsible for your beliefs.
You are responsible for your thoughts.
You are responsible for your feelings.
You are responsible for your actions.

I remember a story I heard about a father and his son. The father wanted to get some paperwork done before he took his son to the park. To keep his son occupied until he finished his work, he tore a picture of the world out of a magazine, and then tore it into little pieces. He told his son when he had finished putting the puzzle together, they would go to the park. Expecting this to take his son quite some time to accomplish, he was surprised when his son returned shortly thereafter with the completed puzzle. The father asked his son, "how were you able to finish the puzzle so quickly?" His son answered him saying "there's a picture of a man on the other side, and when I put the man together, the pieces of the world just fell into place."

So to put yourself together first. Become clear about who you really are. Uncover the enormous warehouse of beliefs you've acquired from other people and our culture and challenge those beliefs. Transform your self-doubt into acceptance, your self-pity into self-actualization, your anxiety into peace, your confusion into happiness, and your fears into love. The first step is knowing what you want to be, do and have.

next: Identify Your Wants

sex and intimacy

We all long for true intimacy. Many people seek to fill that void by seeking sexual relationships, whether real or fantasized, that promise to provide the relief, acceptance, and fulfillment for which they long.

Good self-esteem is a prerequisite for having a relationship characterized by intimacy and trust. If you basically feel good about yourself, you can allow yourself to be vulnerable to another person. You will trust them, and only when there is mutual trust can there be any real intimacy.

I feel that from the very beginning, you did not trust me. That very first time you stayed over my place, you accused me of being deceitful about my relationship with Allison. I was embarassed about practically being a virgin at age 29! Yet you made it seem that I had evil intentions, to deliberately deceive you. When we jointly bought those baseball card sets, you spoke (angrily I might add) of not liking to co-own stuff because "what happens when you break up!" When Sarah and Annamae were splitting up, you kept saying how that was why you could never jointly own a house with someone. Even though at that very same time Danielle and Cabrina had just celebrated their fifteenth (?) anniversary together, you ignored their example and chose to focus instead on Sarah and Annamae. The clear implication was that you could never trust me enough to move in with me. Multiple comments that you made to me throughout our relationship, indicated that you did not trust me. This really saddened me and confused me, because at that time I had every intention of spending the rest of my life with you.

I trusted you. That is why it hurts me tremendously to realize now that you never trusted me. I think you saw me as some malevolent being out to get you. I believe you ascribed bad intentions to things I did, when I had nothing but good ones. If this is the case, you had me pegged completely wrong. Even at the very end, you accused me of using tears as a "tactic" to make you feel guilty. It is a shame that after all we went through, you never even really knew me.

As I said, mutual trust is necessary for true intimacy. For me, simply having common interests and doing things together is not enough. I need to have emotional intimacy with a partner. At this point in your life, I don't think it was possible for you to be truly intimate with me or anyone else. And after two years, after gradually losing my trust in you due to the many times you hurt me, I lost my capacity forever to be emotionally intimate with you.

next: Sex and Intimacy

sex and intimacy

1. Honor your partner's individuality
2. Sign your letters: "Forever and a day"
3. Attend a lousy movie, sit in the balcony, and make out in the dark
4. Share a intimate part of your life together
5. Change one bad habit
6. Talk candidly about the differences between sexy and sensual
7. Keep mistletoe hung in your home year-round!
8. Give a vintage bottle of wine from the year of his/her birth
9. Create a "perfect vacation" (your partner's definition of perfect)
10. Challenge the cultural stereotypes of men and women
11. Keep a wedding photo on your desk at work
12. Ask your friends to list their favorite romantic restaurants
13. Carry a copy of your wedding license in your wallet/purse
14. A note: "Time and time again you amaze me because . . ."
15. Write a list: "101 Reasons Why You're the Greatest"
16. Have silly pictures of the two of you taken in a photo booth
17. Camp-out in a tent together
18. Make love in the back seat of a car
19. Hold a picnic in a tree fort
20. Take a relaxing bubblebath together
21. Make love in a sleeping bag
22. Don't go to bed and let problems go unresolved
23. Make some sacrifices but don't martyr yourself for his/her sake
24. Weave love, sex, and romance into the fabric of your daily lives
25. Try putting yourself in your partner's shoes (figuratively and literally!)
26. Experiment with sensual, sexy, and outright X-rated movies
27. Read one book by Dr. Ruth
28. Ask your partner to direct you very specifically in how they like to be touched

next: Starving for Emotional Intimacy Look At The Lies We Face

sex and intimacy

copyright 1999 Kristen Sellgren

From here, you can either go to the table of contents for the Sex and Intimacy section and read whatever you are interested in, or you can find out about intimacy and being intimate.

next: What Is Intimacy and Being Intimate?

Types of Depression

Here's a bit more about what clinical depression is and what it isn't, along with the forms depression can take, how it can be treated, and how it can affect family and friends of the depressed person.

What Is Clinical Depression?

Clinical Depression or Major Depression (also known as unipolar disorder or unipolar depression)

A profound, acute depressed episode lasting two weeks or longer. A person's mood can be so depressed, and he or she can be so debilitated, as not to be able to work or even go out at all. The simplest of tasks may be impossible for him or her. It can bring on the desire to injure oneself or even cause thoughts of suicide. Major depressive episodes usually have a finite duration, lasting from several weeks to several months.

Dysthymia

A slightly "milder" form of depression which lasts for a very long time--years or decades. A dysthymic person is usually functional, but feels as though he or she is simply "going through the motions;" he or she gets little enjoyment out of life. While dysthymia is less acute than major depression, it isn't much more pleasant for the person suffering from it, and requires treatment, as well.

Bipolar Depression (also known as bipolar disorder or manic-depression)

This is a form of depression marked by mood swings, from a depressed mood to an overly-elated mood known as mania. Manic states are evident when the person talks fast, displays erratic thinking, behaves impulsively--including things such as spending sprees or taking unreasonable risks, has outbursts, shows an inordinate amount of energy, takes on more work or activity than normal, plans complicated schemes, or displays grandiose notions. These manic states alternate with depression, which may be mild, moderate, or severe. The cycle of going from a manic high, to a depressed low, to a manic high, can vary greatly, even within one person; but generally this cycle is not less than a few days and not more than a few months.

Cyclothymia

As dysthymia is a less-exaggerated form of unipolar depression, cyclothymia is a less-exaggerated form of bipolar disorder. Neither the manic highs or depressed lows are as intense. And the mood-swing cycle tends to be much longer than with "ordinary" bipolar disorder; usually the cycle runs from several months to two years, and possibly even more.

One might think it is "better" to have dysthymia (for example) rather than major depression, or that bipolar disorder is "worse" than unipolar. This is not the case, however. They are all equally difficult to deal with and all four can interfere with people's lives, to the point of total disability--and all of them can, ultimately, lead to suicide. So don't make the mistake of looking at these in relative terms. Having one is just as bad as having another. They all need to be treated.

next: What Causes Clinical Depression?
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Can dance and movement really help relieve depression symptoms? Find out if dance and movement therapy is an alternative treatment for depression.

What is Dance and Movement Therapy?

In this type of therapy, a dance therapist helps a group of people to express themselves in movement. Expressing feelings in this way is supposed to improve mood.

How does Dance and Movement Therapy work?

It is not known how dance and movement therapy might work. However, as well as the expression of feelings in movement, there might also be benefits from the physical exercise, from interacting with a group and from listening to music.

Is Dance and Movement Therapy effective?

Only one study has looked at the effects of dance and movement therapy on depressed people. This study found that some depressed people had improved mood on days when they had the therapy compared to days when they did not. However, long-term effects on depression were not studied.

Are there any disadvantages to Dance and Movement Therapy?

Provided a person has no physical health problem that prevents dancing, none are known.

Where do you get Dance and Movement Therapy?

Dance and movement therapy is usually led by a dance therapist. However, there are plenty of opportunities for dancing alone or in a group, even without a therapist. There are also books on the practice of dance and movement therapy available in most bookshops or over the internet.

Recommendation

Although there is evidence that physical exercise helps depression, dance and movement therapy has not been properly researched.

Key references

Stewart NJ, McMullen LM, Rubin LD. Movement therapy with depressed inpatients: a randomized multiple single case design. Archives of Psychiatric Nursing 1994; 8: 22-29.

back to: Alternative Treatments for Depression