How to Stop Feeling Insecure in Relationships

If you are feeling insecure in your current relationship, or find yourself attracting romantic partners that make you insecure, then this post is for you. The truth is, insecurity about yourself plays out in any relationship, whether it's romantic, familial or within a friendship. The problem for many people is they blame the other person in the relationship for making them insecure, but when you're feeling insecure in relationships, they're not the problem, you are.

I'm sure that got your attention, and as blunt as this sounds, the common denominator here isn't them, it's you. I have felt insecure in my fair share of relationships as well, and after much of my own therapeutic work, I realized it was my relationship with myself that needed to be fixed, not my partners.

If your partner, or past partner, cheated, emotionally or physically abused you, broke your heart or stole your identity, you have every right to feel to feel insecure. But, that doesn't mean that you are held back by it forever, that's your choice. No matter whats happened to us, we can have a choice to let the emotions take over our lives or to fight back and gain self-esteem when it comes to love. You have the the right to be in a healthy, secure relationship with yourself and with others.

Why You Feel Insecure in Relationships

Can you relate to any of the common worries or fears?

• Fear of being alone, needing reassurance from others
• Deep self-loathing, believing you are not good enough for someone else
• The belief that others are better than you and that life is a competition
• Fear of conflict, not speaking up for yourself or expressing your needs because you don't want to upset others
• Worthlessness, "I don't deserve to be in a good relationship"
• Suppression of emotions, or difficulty in controlling your emotions; you don't know how to express yourself
• Self-hatred, or the belief you are not good enough to be with someone who loves you for you
• Holding on to the past because you fear that if you don't, it will make you vulnerable to being hurt again

These limiting beliefs are keeping you stuck in the cycle of insecurity. For me, I wasn't feeling heard in my relationship. I couldn't express myself in a way that my ex was able to understand. I was angry, not just at him but at myself. When this relationship ended, I realized I had a pattern. No partner I picked was perfect, certainly not, but I continued to dive into these relationships without first diving inward.

When I stepped back and spent time with myself, exploring who I was, who I wanted to be and why I was so angry with myself (learning forgiveness along the way), I was able to feel more confident. No only did I know myself better but I knew what I wanted in a partner, when the time was right. I needed to work on myself before heading into a new relationship.

Three Ways to Stop Feeling Insecure in Relationships

1. Do you pick partners who are distant, dependent or dominating? In order to avoid feeling insecure, notice patterns about the people you are picking to be in your life. This puts you in the position to work for their attention and keep a tighter hold on the relationship, which only perpetuates your belief that you’re not good enough. Stop the pattern.
2. Good communication is a key to successful relationship. Speak up for yourself, this helps your partner too. If someone says one thing, and you're confused, ask. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Give the people in your life the information they need, rather than expecting them to read your mind.
3. Take a step back. Taking time to figure out who you are and what you deserve from another person is necessary. Sometimes you get clouded by intense emotions or feeling like you have to appease someone else. Take time daily to check in with your feelings and how this relationship is a positive reflection of who you are.

If you find yourself feeling insecure and upset in your relationship it's worthwhile to get an outside opinion from a professional. Your friends and family are likely biased, but a therapist or counselor could really help you develop a better relationship with yourself and your partner.

Emily is the author of Express Yourself: A Teen Girls Guide to Speaking Up and Being Who You Are.You can visit Emily’s Guidance Girl website. You can also find her on Facebook, Google+ and Twitter.