Self-Compassion and Self-Esteem Both Help Our Wellbeing

Self-compassion and self-esteem both help us develop ourselves and create wellbeing. But some psychologists argue that we should focus on practicing self-compassion because it is superior to building self-esteem.¹ Dr. Kristin Neff is a well-known proponent of this view. She believes that trying to raise your self-esteem can lead to major downsides, including narcissism, anger and resentment. But while it may be true that we could all benefit from self-compassion and should avoid these drawbacks, this doesn’t mean we should ignore self-esteem. It can still play a vital role in our wellbeing.

Self-Compassion vs. Self-Esteem

What Does the Practice of Self-Compassion Involve?

Practising self-compassion means being kind to yourself in difficult situations. It involves speaking to yourself from a place of acceptance, understanding and non-judgment rather than harsh criticism. Dr. Neff emphasizes:

It’s important to distinguish self-compassion from self-esteem. Self-esteem refers to the degree to which we evaluate ourselves positively. It represents how much we like or value ourselves, and is often based on comparisons with others. In contrast, self-compassion is not based on positive judgments or evaluations, it is a way of relating to ourselves. People feel self-compassion because they are human beings, not because they are special and above average.

However, the fact that self-esteem is based on self-evaluation doesn’t mean it has to entail comparing ourselves to others, as Dr. Neff says it often is.

Proper Self-Esteem Is Not Dependent on Comparisons

When our self-esteem is internally based -- rather than dependent on circumstances, success, status, money, possessions, and physical appearance – then it can be a more emotionally stable source of wellbeing.

Realise that your positive and valuable traits come from the inside and don’t have to be evaluated based on what other people are doing. When you see clearly what you are like as a person and value your qualities as they are, then your self-esteem will be less susceptible to change based on the achievements and characteristics of others.

Why You Need Both Self-Compassion and Self-Esteem

We all make mistakes in life and experience times of intense or prolonged suffering. During our lowest points, there is a tendency to be critical of ourselves, to believe that a failed business or relationship, for instance, means that we are failures or inadequate. When we judge ourselves in this way, the optimal response is to practice self-compassion and build self-esteem.

When we are compassionate to ourselves we genuinely wish for our suffering to be relieved. The American Buddhist teacher Jack Kornfield describes how to practice loving-kindness meditation in order to protect our wellbeing.² It involves repeating phrases intended to direct feelings of good wishes towards ourselves (and others).

Example Self-Compassion Phrases

You can come up with any phrases you want – so long as the intention of friendliness and self-love is there – although Kornfield highlights some traditional self-compassion mantras used in this ancient meditative practice:

• May I be filled with loving kindness
• May I be safe from inner and outer dangers
• May I be well in body and mind
• May I be at ease and happy

Many studies show that the practice of self-compassion is linked to:

. . . greater levels of happiness, optimism, life satisfaction, body appreciation, perceived competence, and motivation as well as lower levels of depression, anxiety, stress, rumination, body shame and fear of failure.³

However, when we think we’re not good enough in some way, being able to evaluate ourselves rationally and honestly can also increase our wellbeing. In fact, without healthy self-esteem, we may too regularly find ourselves engaged in self-criticism. Constantly responding to this with self-compassion is wise and helpful, but we can also avoid this cycle of harshness by establishing and maintaining a realistic perspective of ourselves.

Sources

1. Self-compassion.org, Kirstin Neff, PhD. Why self-compassion is healthier than self-esteem.
2. Jackkornfield.com, Jack Kornfield, Meditation on Lovingkindness.
3. Oxford Handbook of Compassion Science, Kristin Neff, PhD and Christopher Germer, PhD. Self-Compassion and Psychological Well-being.