One of the most frustrating symptoms of depression is its ability to mess with your ability to concentrate. Even now, as I write this blog, my mind is flitting from thought to thought, topic to topic, and then to almost empty, blank.
Depression Symptoms
Had you asked me three days ago what I had in common with L'Wren Scott, I wouldn't have had a clue what to say beyond our matching hair and eye colors. Now that New York City officials ruled Scott's sudden death Monday a suicide, I have a different perspective. L'Wren Scott's suicide was preventable; her death is a major tragedy.
Depression can drain you of a lot of things: motivation, self-esteem, focus, decisiveness. The list is long (Why Live When You Feel Like Dying?). The very worst of these is when depression drains you of your will to live. I know. I've been there.
"You're so sad all the time! I can't stand it! Why can't you just pull through it?"
I stared at my 20 year old, 6 foot, 2 inches tall son, crying and yelling at me because I'm sad all the time. And here I thought I was a pro at hiding my depression.
One of the most difficult symptoms of depression is a lack of motivation. It's not that we don't want to feel better, we just lack the physical motivation to move and the emotional motivation to care if we move. Everything seems so difficult. Everything except staying under a warm blanket, hand on the remote, doing nothing, thinking nothing, feeling nothing. Depression and sleep always seem to go together, but laziness is not the cause of the lack of motivation depression brings.
Having depression has taught me many things. I've learned how very debilitating depression can be, but I've also learned how resilient people with depression are - myself included. I've learned about stigma but I've also learned about acceptance. I've learned about brain chemistry and depression medications, about cognitive behavioral therapy, hypnosis, prayer, positivity and other treatments.
I have had one hell of a week. It has been a week of emotional lows with very few highs. It has been a week where I have had to use all of my coping with depression skills.
Post-vacation depression (or, post-vacation blues, as it is sometimes called) has often plagued me. I was hoping that this time it would be different. I just got back from a vacation in the sun. And now, it is all I can do to keep those depression demons off my back.
I have never been thin. Nor overly large (I hate the word "fat"). I'm 49 years old, I'm in perimenopause and lately, it seems like everything I put in my mouth ends up as another half pound on the scale. It's so depressing!
As a person who suffers from chronic depression, I know when depression is looming. And when depression looms, I've learned to go easy on myself. If I don't, a day or two of symptoms may turn into a major depressive episode.