Domestic Violence and Why People Stay: Religious Reasons

One thing that constantly frustrates mental health professionals who deal with domestic violence is why people stay. As a domestic violence survivor, I have some insight into why people stay in domestic violence situations. There are three major religious reasons why people in a domestic violence situation stay: the belief that marriage must be preserved, the belief that men are supposed to be dominant and women are supposed to be submissive, and the belief that women are basically evil.

Staying in Domestic Violence Reason One: Preserving the Marriage

While things have improved, there is still a stigma to divorce, especially in religious settings. Some religious groups would prefer to sweep abuse under the rug in the name of the sanctity of marriage. Marriage is seen as providing a safe, loving, and stable environment for the married couple and the children, so it is believed the marriage must be preserved at all costs.

If I had a dollar for every time I've heard of people being told to return to an abusive situation because "It's God's will," "You just need to be more submissive," "You pledged until death do you part," or "God wants you to stay together," I'd go backpacking around Europe for a year. No, it is not God's will for a person to be abused. No, being more submissive will not help the situation. No, you're not supposed to face death at the hands of your spouse. No, God does not want you to stay together when the marriage covenant is broken by violence.

Christian therapist and writer Carolyn Holderread Heggen wrote:

Human beings must not be sacrificed on the altar of devotion to marital permanence. Maintaining a facade of marital well being must not take precedence over protecting vulnerable people. Before women and children are told to return to violent men, the church must do everything in its power to make sure the violator is confronted, his behavior changed and monitored, and the home made safe for all people (Batterers Intervention: Help For Batterers).

Staying in Domestic Violence Reason Two: Men "Should" Be Dominant and Women Submissive

According to Heggen, arguments along these lines include:

1. Woman was created after man and is therefore subordinate to man.
2. Woman was taken from man's rib and is therefore subordinate to man.
3. Woman was named by the man just like the animals and is therefore subordinate to man.
4. Woman was created to be a helpmate and is therefore subordinate to man.

The problem with this is woman was created to be a partner, implying equality. As a popular wedding quote by the otherwise misogynistic Matthew Henry observes:

The woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved.

Love and violence are incompatible. When a ruler uses fear and violence to maintain his power, we call him a tyrant and argue for his removal from power. The same holds true for marriage.

Heggen found that Christian women who believed in female subordination tended to have lower self-esteem than women who believed in equality. Self-esteem is critical for emotional wellness, such as having the strength to leave an abuser.

Staying in Domestic Violence Reason Three: Women Are Basically Evil

Some argue that because Eve ate the forbidden fruit first, women are morally inferior to men. Their judgment is not trusted. Women are more easily led astray. The problem here is a selective interpretation of Scripture--according to the Bible, Adam was with Eve when she ate the fruit.

Women who believe they are mentally and morally inferior are more likely to doubt their instincts that something is wrong. They are more likely to believe their abuser who says, "It will never happen again," "This is just discipline," and "You're making a big deal out of nothing." When women feel they are untrustworthy, they will act as if they are untrustworthy. "As a man thinketh, so he is."

Religion can be a powerful reason why people stay in domestic violence situations. Yet it can also be a powerful force in the decision to leave. But when people stay, one of these three beliefs is almost always present.

Also Helpful:

• Abusive Relationships – Why do victims stay?
• Victims of Domestic Violence, Domestic Abuse and Why They Stay?

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