Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do
What does verbal abuse sound like? The tone and content varies from abuser to abuser, but the words effect the victim in similar ways. Victims hear horrible things from their abuser and they feel small, withdrawn, angry, helpless, sad, shame, and a hundred other horrible emotions - sometimes all at once.
In the beginning of my abusive relationship, I felt anger and stood up for myself which led to loud, circular verbal altercations that had no solutions. Later, after coming to believe that he was my hero, my savior and provider, I felt stupid and wanted to fix myself so he would love me. Much later, I turned away and left the house for awhile which eventually led to increased physical violence and leaving forever.
Sometimes my abuser's words hurt when he jabs and attempts to provoke on the phone. Mostly, the memory, the countless memories of the abusive things he's said to me rear up and try to convince me that his remembered voice is my own.
This list is only a partial list of the things verbal abusers say. It's not limited to my own abusive relationship. It takes into account what others report hearing, too.
Things Verbal Abusers Say:
- "Why don't you get a job so you understand the real world? Oh, wait - I forgot - you can't get a job because you're a stupid sh!t.
- "Quit your whining and crying. You have no reason to cry or complain! Your life is perfect because I made it that way!"
- "Bitch" (and the countless other names I won't bother to list)
- "I should have left you at the club with all the other whores."
- "If you were more like my mother I could worship you."
- "I hate it when you act so pitiful. Stop the waterworks and talk like a human being."
- "I can't stand to look at you. You make me sick."
- "You're such a great actress! You know how to get what you want, don't you?"
- "I can't believe I have to come home to you every day. How did I get involved with such a train wreck?"
- "I must be the first a$$hole to love you. You don't know how to please a man!"
- "You're fat and miserable and you make me hate you."
- "You always look like God stomped on your face."
- "Why do you care what I want for dinner? My favorites taste like crap when you make them anyway."
- "You used to be as beautiful as my ex, but geesh - time hasn't been good to you, baby!"
- "Those children are mine, will always be mine, and if you leave you'll never see them again."
Things Verbal Abusers Do:
- Deny they said anything similar to the list above.
- Defend what they've said.
- Analyze what they've said out loud, explaining that the words they used do not have the definitions you seem to think they do.
- Block you in a room so you can't leave and thereby avoid what they're saying.
- Talk horribly to the television but are really speaking to you.
- Flip open their knife to open a piece of gum while looking at you under knitted brows.
- Leave to do something else at the last minute when you had plans together.
- Take you out for your best birthday ever and then wind up berating you on the way home for not appreciating their efforts enough.
- Tell your children you need more happy pills to be a good mom.
- Change the topic of the conversation so you bounce from one place to another, never getting to the core of the issue.
- Accuse you of being a whore or a dummy or a _________ so often that they no longer need to say the words but can offer up a "look" and you know what they're saying (then they may deny it).
Okay. I have to stop. My stomach is literally upset right now after digesting the utter contempt and hatred some people spew on a daily basis.
If you're still living in this nonsense, learn about detachment and how it can benefit you. Maybe in time you'll choose to leave your abuser, and maybe you'll choose to stay. No one here will judge you for staying (I've been there and it can feel hopeless!), but please work on ways to make yourself feel better in the process.
*Both women and men could be abusers or victims, so do not take my pronoun choices as an implication that one gender abuses and the other is victimized.
Jo, K. (2012, April 29). Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2022, January 23 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2012/04/things-verbal-abusers-say-and-do
Author: Kellie Jo Holly
ive been with a guy for 5 years we met online in a religious chat room.. we didnt go out for maybe 6 months when we first met i seen his aggressive side i over looked it. also another thing which i noticed for a man that each of his nail clippers or grooming items were perfectly set straight like in the movie sleeping with the enemy..something told me this is not right.. and usually when your gut feeling is telling you this it usually isnt right.. i wont type alot here but to summarize this who situation with me up ,ive been called whores bitches slut name it and im not even one of those thing, he has taken money from me because he cant keep a job .. i dont blame no one for this but my self , one thing i got out of dating him is that he convinced me to loose weight.and i feel good about my self for that.. but the worst things ive gained is i am always angry with everyone and its only because of what he put me through.. i hate the day i met him and i hate the days ive known n stayed through this crap!
This may be a little diffrent then what you are all use too. But i am a guy who gets physically emotionally and verbally abused on a regular basis. She says some terrible hateful words too me and my daughter. Shes visious she accuses me of cheating and punches and hits me then when she realizes she made a mistake she trys too kiss up too me. I recently found out she cheated has no remorse and says its cause i was mean to her because i finally started yelling back when she yells at me for no reason i work full time watch the kids 5 to 6 days a week that arent even mine. i cook clean and do the dishes and buy her all kinds of stuff she has no respect for me at all. and she gets drunk and hits me will scream at me till 6 am about anything shes mad about that day. she doesnt think she has a problem i get woken up daily with her screaming at the kids or me over something. Then when i try to leave she tells me she will always get her way threatens too run into the wall or hit her self and call the police and tell them i did it. I love the kids pratically raised them how do i make her realize she has a problem and needs help. Oh and this is the best part she goes out to bars and the place she works and gives guys her number when they ask because she says shes so hott that shes scared they will hurt her if she doesnt and she texts them back and talks to them and gets mad at me that i get mad about that. she says no other girl does that cause they arent as hott as her.
please give me advivce about what to do.
Well, I'm a father of 3....married n been with my wife since 1994. Much of this abuse is both verbal and physical. Although the hitting of the arm is nothing it's still something. But I guess I learned to en ore it.the verbal I laugh off in my head cuz I know she has issues she needs to address. But with God's help we have overcome much of pains of this abuse. She says I'm sarcastic but I believe I only do it cuz I'm fighting off the anger. In most times I just take what she says and leave it behind me and eventually she is fine again. Her problem is (I believe) is having no control. But as far as that goes, my marriage could b better if she knew how to Co tool her anger. I love her dearly and would never want to hurt her....I just have to keep praying for her...but that may not be enough and still I continue to pray. God bless u all who read...but u I believe God can change hearts and attitudes. God bless all of u
I have a question. I met a wonderful woman...beautiful, smart, caring...I could spend hours listing all of the things I see in her but she's married to a verbal abuser. I should stop right there and move on but I can't seem to. I've known her for a long time and can say without a shred of doubt that I love everything about her. My question is what keeps a person in an abusive relationship? I don't understand. Hanger, I see you as a strong person. It sounds like you've been on the abused end but here you are tteaching others how to recognize the early warnings and for that I love you (sorry, not like I love the girl I'm here asking questions about but you obviously should love yourself because you are worthy). I'm not asking "how do I get this girl for myself" but I'm asking why do some girls (or guys) stay with this? The girl I love says she loves me too but she can't seem to take the step of leaving her abuser. She'll vent to me regularly about the horrible things he calls her or says to her but she won't put an end to it.
I had ma first child before meeting my husband and i told him and said nothing but he will still marry me,my girl was with my grandma before i got married ,i thought with him marry he was going to accept her but NO,NOW THE SMALLEST THING he get angry beat me up and ruin insult on me like[prostitute, u have a small brain ,u and ur families are poor,they behave like pigs and after eaten dey clean their mouth on ground etc] he has stopped me from seeing ma family and friends who have helped me alot in sooo many way, even some he has to call them on phone to warn them from calling me and called my people witches and dont allow them to visit or spent days with me
Am unhappy woman and am just 23years of age going through all this pains and sorrow above all i have giving birth to a girl again who is 1year 6month always threaten me that if i leave the marriage he was not going to give me the baby and even the first child who is with my grandma i have not finish taking care of her ,infact am in a mess right now i need a serious advice .
for me i want to leave the marriage but dont know where to start from ,any help i will be greatful ,as for the beaten is uncountable and i live in fear that he may oneday kill me . thanks
p.s. you all are not alone and sara,im right there w you...im still in love with him and trying to hold oto the gimpses of good that r there,but they r far and fee between:(
I have been in this situation for 20 years. I have been called worse. People think he is so sweet. I thought he was the nicest person I had ever met. I have lived being bullied every day from this man. I don't want to be with him. It gets old.
i have been dating a guy for over a year and he is verbally abusive...almost every day I am called a whore ,a slut and retard,asshole and last week he texted me 20 plus times w youre a 'c***' knowing that that word disgusts me:( i love him but something must be wrong w him..he drinks way too much but is mean and flies off handle even when he hasnt been drinking..he is so cruel so why do i stay? he tells me to f*** off all the time but i always forgive,even tho he doesnt ask me to:( why does he do this? is it possible he does love me and cant help this? maybe bipolar? i dont wanna give up on him but ive never dealt w this before...he tells me today that he is wishes he hadnt wasted his time on me or fell in love w me and wishes he hasnt:( just crushing:( i am so good to him..i dont go out w friends anymore but he does what he pleases...help:( im starting to believe the terrible things he says to me:( Lisa
My husband tells me on a daily basis to "shut the f*** up " tells the kids how Mom is worthless and does nothing to help and is too stupid and psycho to know how to help anyway. Calls me fat and lazy (I have lost 80 pounds, and at 37 years old need a hip replacement) We don't go anywhere together because he's embarrassed to be seen with me. He leaves me enough gas to get the kids to school and back for the week, nothing more. And then gets angry because I can't walk to the store and carry groceries home. we used to hike and fish a lot but due to my need for "the handicap trail" i no longer go because it starts a fight that ends with me in tears. Usually the fight being due to me falling down. He has 4 vehicles. I have keys to two. One only because it legally will not fit myself and the children. And "my" car but only because it has a flat tire, no gas and no heat. He tells the kids to go ahead and listen to me if they want to grow up to be "f***--g retards like their mom". Two weeks ago, I packed our things. Life exploded in my face and I am still here. I am now being forced into a new job that is physically going to destroy me. He refuses to work. He accuses me of cheating, but I never go anywhere. Be sets traps on the front door and closes the gate a certain way so he can tell if anyone has come while he was out. He erases hi tracks in the snow on his way out so he can see any fresh tracks. I'm trapped.
I had a boyfriend once who used to ask me "How many guys have you f____ed"? over and over during sex and "Your p__________y is really big! what happened?" Oh and "Am I the best f____ you've ever had?" all during sex. He used to repeat insulting comments the entire time and funny enough wanted to have sex every time we were together and snuggle afterwards.
The comme ts left by everyone has literally brougjt me to sobbing tears . I have been searching for the person i. Was almost five tears ago now. Im certain that part of me is gone forever . I cant even begin to think about a future without the man i am so in love with the man who once was kind loving sweet and in love with me. I still see a glimose here and there but never does it last . I love him so much and i want to believe he is the one that can overcome the stereotype of an abuser . I know it sounds nuts i keep waitibg for the day when jts finally gonna turn around . I cant explain ny feelings cause they have ruines my life i am tired of the contstant interrogations the accusations that i am or ever was a prostitute. He claims he seen me in adult films that i slept with evety man i have ever come in contact with the constanr looser liar whore just like my mom and thats the nicer things said if he hears any noise in the background on phone he instantky says are u realy caling while having anoylther man there a b d he kniws we arevhaving sex ( to put it nicely) and with our daughter there to,o it offensive l . I need help i know it isnt right but im obsessdd with the thought of being with him still. Is it possible yo ever love someobe so much.i dobt want to giv i knew`e up i knlw we have a chance if only i could start my path :(
Dear Sara, download this safety plan and fill it out: http://verbalabusejournals.com/how-stop-abuse/escape-abuse-safety-plan/ Doing that is one way to start your path by taking care of YOU.
My husband and I get along for the most part, but when we fight - it is terrible. He suddenly has so many negative things to say about me when he is angry.
Last night, we went to dinner with a few friends. I was on my phone, scrolling through Facebook, when I saw a comment he left on a girl's picture WHILE we were sitting there at the dinner table. The comment read: "You've got some eyes on you, huh?" I don't know why, but that went right through me. It hit me right in the gut, and I could feel my self esteem crumble. I suddenly wasn't laughing and having fun with my friends anymore, and I confronted him about it right there at the table. Maybe that wasn't appropriate, but I wanted to let him know that it isn't acceptable to me, his wife, when he gives random girls flirtatious comments like that. Maybe I was overreacting (which is what he thinks), but I just simply don't like it when my husband says things like that to other women, or if he puts his hands on other women. (He has done that before as well. This past New Years Eve he kept hugging some girl in a bar, and long story short - I ended up walking to my parents' house in around 2am covered in tears) Anyhow, the fact that I was upset about his comment started an all out war. He told me I was "crazy". And he never has anything to say for himself. He didn't last night, and he didn't on New Years Eve.
Once we were home I was called tons of names. I was told that I am worthless, and that all I do is sit around on my a**. I am currently a full time nursing student, and I work every single weekend at a hospital - pretty much a 50 hour work week once you factor in my time spent in clinicals/classroom settings. I was told that I'm a "4" unless I have on nice clothes, apply layers of makeup, and tan for a month straight. I was told I've gained 20 pounds in the past month. Yeah. My husband said all that to me. He also told me he shouldn't have married as he threw his wedding ring on the floor, and that he doesn't want to have a child with me, because it will probably have a "huge forehead" just like I do, and it will probably be just like my mother. I was told my parents were probably both on drugs when I was conceived, and the entire time my mother was pregnant with me. Yeah, all of this, because I asked my husband to please not give other women flirtatious comments. He never has anything nice like that to say to me. So of course, I felt a pang of jealousy and hurt when I read the comment. I just don't understand. Why was it so dire that he tell some random girl who he doesn't even know that she has "some eyes on her."??? What did he accomplish? He made some other girl feel good about herself, and made his wife feel like crap.
After being told I'm basically fat and ugly, I asked my husband why he even married me since he thinks so little of me, to which he replied: "because, you are going to make me money." I started crying, and all he could keep telling me was to get out of his face and to go to bed. He told me I'm pathetic and that he doesn't feel sorry for me when I'm crying like that. While all this was going on, he couldn't even take his eyes off of his fantasy hockey crap on the computer, or the Notre Dame game that was on the television. I finally relented and went to bed, since I knew I was going to have to get up in a few hours to work a twelve hour shift. We have been married for nearly three months.
Sorry for such a long post, but after something like that, I find it comforting to vent. When he says stuff like that, it kills me. We have been together for about 8 years. Like I said before, when we get along, things are fine. He tells me I'm "cute" a lot, which I don't really care for, since I'm a 23 year old woman, not a 3 year old. And I admit, I have gained some weight since I started school, but I wouldn't call myself fat. I'm 5'3" and about 130lbs. I'm used to weighing anywhere from 110-120. He makes me feel like I weigh 500 pounds or something. I just don't understand how someone can be so cruel to someone they are supposed to love. And marriage is a huge deal to me. It is sacred, and for him to act as if it means so little to him just smashes my entire being. I don't know if I should see a therapist to discuss my feelings or what.
Again, sorry for such a long post.
My ex-spouse was much more subtle. Things like, "No need bothering with make-up, it'd be like putting lipstick on a pig.", "Sex with you is like ****ing a beanbag." Or once when I asked how I looked before a party I had been excited about, he glanced at me and simply answered, "f***able". But he'd always laugh it off. I was always left not knowing if he was serious or not. But either way, it affected me negatively. I can't even get naked in front of my doctor without anxiety meds.
I fear for my kids but can't seem to let go of this doormat mentality to show them that he can be successfully stood up to. I hate myself, just like he does.
One of the things that my ex used to do is use our private conversations against me. If I would tell him something that was meant for only his ears, and I felt like it was safe to share it with him, he would attack me with those private moments during a fight. He would also get drunk and call me names such a B*tch, W*ore and C**t. It got to the point where I was believing what he told me, and I had to stop the cycle. I hope we all realize that we're worth more than the abusive words.
Cynthia, your only option is to leave but you already know that. Think back to the situation last time and how you wished you left sooner. This time you can put into practice what you learned from the mistakes you made last time.
Think of your daughter, children are very perceptive and will detect the slightest emotions and disdain in an environment. Your daughter will learn from your actions and when she grows up, I am sure you do not wish for her to be in anything but healthy friendships or relationships.
You must find the strength to leave this abuser for yourself, your future, your daughter and your daughters future.
As long as you remain in this unhealthy relationship, a truly loving person will never be able to show you what a real loving relationship is all about. However, when you do leave this person, I would suggest you take time out for yourself and your daughter to heal, grow and learn. After all, if we never learn from history, it is doomed to repeat itself.
I have been with a man for eight years and having lived abuse in my past I am in it again. I feel worse this time it's my age maybe but my esteem and self worth are so low I feel helpless in more ways than none. He calls me stupid and demeans me in front of my lovely daughter who is nine and that he claims he loves as his. At one time I believed he was my hero now I feel wrecked and so lonely almost frozen by his power and unkind words please help I do not know what a normal relationship feels like
My Name is Hanger from USA.I never believed in Spells or Magics until I met this special spell caster called DR UDEGBE The woman i wanted to marry left me 2 months to our weeding ceremony and my life was upside down.she was with me for 4 years and i really love her so much..she left me for another man with no reasons..when i called her she never picked up my calls and she don't want to see me around her…so,when i told the man what happened.he helped me to do some readings,and after the readings he made me to realize that the other man has done some spells over my wife and that is the reason why she left me..he told me he will help me to cast a spell to bring her back.At first i was skeptical but i just gave it a try…In 3 days,she called me herself and came to me apologizing..I cant believe she can ever come back to me again but now i am happy she's back and we are married now and we live as a happy family..Am posting this to the forum if anyone needs the help of this man.Can contact him through this email address. email@example.com or call his mobile number +2348156784928
I have been with my ex for 25 years, I got my divorce at the end of February 2013, we are currently selling our house so that we can go our separate ways. We have a teenage daughter.
I have gone through almost 2 years of trying to get a divorce while living in the same house - it can be done, I wouldn't recommend it but it can be done.
We went to marriage guidance because he insisted and looking back now I can see it was just stalling tactics, but I didn't want him to be able to say to people that I threw the marriage away without trying to save it. It was dead in the water, it was only him who couldn't see it.
Prior to getting a solicitor I had been called names, he never laid a hand on me, never hit me, but I was called a witch, the bitch wife from hell, told I had ruined his life and other events - HIS holidays, HIS days out, it was never our events, always his.
I have been told to F off, F off out of his sight, I'm an embarrassment, he told his own daughter she was too stupid to get anywhere in life and would end up stacking shelves in a supermarket. All in private, NEVER in front of other people.
When we first got together he really was "too good to be true" but once I moved in with him he started to change, nothing major, just little niggles that I couldn't put my finger on, I began to think I was crazy, I must be because he never spoke to other people the way he often spoke to me, so I thought I must be what he said I was and that everyone else who had ever known me must have been too scared to tell me I was a crazy bitch.
Its only become crystal clear in the past 3-4 years that its not me but him. Oh yes Mr Nice Guy comes back now and again, says nice things or does something nice, but he can't keep it up, he goes back to his normal behaviour and Mr Nasty appears again.
He spent 2 hours on the phone yesterday to his mobile phone provider, ranting and raving, raised voice, ordering the person at the other end of the phone to get their manager, he was going to cancel his contract, cancel the bank paying it, then changed his mind as they offered him some free calls, he uses that phone for about 5 minutes a month so he is paying a huge amount for those 5 minutes, I had to put my fingers in my mouth to stop from laughing, he was so ridiculous and I hoped the person at the other end of the phone would hang up on him. I told him he could have gone to the bank, spent 2 minutes and got it cancelled, but he preferred to spend 2 whole hours talking to about 6 or 7 people and repeating the whole story to each one. What an idiot.
Bottom line for anyone, Mr Nice Guy (or Nice Woman) appears now and again, either they forget to not be nice or its part of the plan when they see you not being attentive to them, they might lose you, it doesn't last, its impossible for them to keep up the "Nice" part because ITS AN ACT, its not natural or normal for them, the vindictive, name calling, swearing, that's the real them.
I woke up after all these years and realised I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like shit, having to walk on eggshells and changing my behaviour so as not to "set him off", cleaning up his mess, watching him get blind drunk at weddings and events just because he can drink more than anyone I have ever met, being the drunkest person in the room or venue, what do I need that crap for, my daughter doesn't need it either.
I am really hoping to be "OUT" by the summer, my daughter has been to the local child and adolescent mental health service because she was self harming due to her father's treatment of her, the name calling and swearing and being told she was stupid, she attends counselling once a week and the local youth counselling service, she has counselling at college too, He can't see why she needs to go as He is incapable of understanding that it was his treatment of her that made her self harm.
They never change, they never will change, so best thing is to get out and stay out, run if you have to but just get out and don't look back.
Being male, it is hard to see that you are the one being abused. Men are easily tagged as an aggressor, domineering, a narcissist or misogynist. I have been married for 24 years and simply believed my wife's on-going analysis of me, especially now that our two teenage kids parrot her diatribes-- it was just like a religion -- Dad is not making money like other providers (then comparisons to other Dad's in the subdivision or what other women at her job say -- Their husbands ______ (fill in the blank with how better their wives & kids have it - which is why their kids have it better than ours and an answer to our kids for why they are deprived of something financially). The kind of abuse I have been under is not easy made explicit-- It isn't a word like "bitch," rather an on-going character critique & assassination through comparisons & moralizing. I am diagnosed with Complex Trauma, Depression & ADHD (recently, realized that I have a severe executive processing dysfunction). If that's not enough, I am also an alcoholic (been recovering- going on my 10th yr of sobriety). So it's complicated, She & the kids are giving themselves the reason for why we don't have it as good as others around us-- because of me being "mentally ill" or "can't hold a job" or "If someone really loved his family, that person would change." Change is then reiterated in terms of what I should be. After years of hearing that "Everyone agrees that They don't know how I've stayed with you...Nobody would be able to live with you unless they where __________ (fill in the blank with my past (they grew tired of me staying in the marital tension) friends who are criticized as "low-life." Seeing how the only place I find some peace and acceptance is in a support group, she says, "Those people don't really know you and their mostly losers...). It is much more pervasive and subtle than the snippet explained here. As a guy, the one of the most difficult is the lack of any sex or sensuality. So after 24 years, now I see that believing it's all my fault because I don't make enough money or not like the other better guys is abusive. I tried marital counseling, But when the therapist hit on resentment & forgiveness, she refused to go back. Due to her professional success, she despises therapists, thinks Al-anon is for pathetic people. Just to add another issue: She will quote biblical passages that put me in an implied or intimated category of not being the man...
Kellie, I left an abusive relationship 2 years ago. I have been reading your blogs for about 6 months now and just wanted to let you know that what you write and have written has helped me through some of the tough times and helped me to understand things that I could never work out. Thank you.
You must remember. Attorney's only do what you asked them to do, they don't strategize, or really care what is fair, just, or to protect you, they don't realize if they are not "aggressive" you are toast, no matter what.
When you have been kept in the dark about hubands investments, pay, and all how do you KNOW what you can ask for or how to bargin, or how to protect yourself. I considered myself pretty smart, I tried to find out. The places where husband worked police/military aren't very cooperative. They see you as the enemy. It is "mob mentality" against the wife. They protect the employee, it is a brotherhood. I am out more than I can ever hope to pay back just getting a temp order. Husband is in contempt over and over...give them MORE money. All credit. Can't find or keep a job and take care of home and raise young daughter AND run after husband and be told by attorney, keep kissing his and ex's a and just be a "good girl"...while you go deeper and deeper into despair, and frantically try to run faster than an old woman can (me 58, now). I am so bitter, resentful and ANGRY...how does this happen? I got an attorney and now I have to keep THEM happy too, and watch the abusive liar manipulate all this to his favor too. It is too much. Oh, he wants his guns, WHAT? Give him his guns too. For real? No wonder this is a problem in our society.
I almost envy those that are physically abused, at least they are believed, their children are on their side.....then I was hit, funny I am still not believed. Why didn't I call the police? HE IS the police, who do you think they would believe? Now both get arrested no matter who has the marks, they would NOT have believed me, so I didn't call. I locked HIM out, held seige for days, guess what, he is old, guess who they will believe? the Ex cop or the young "golddigger"...No win, my OWN attorney collaborates with him and his version, conned him too. He has everything he wanted, me serving him, and my attorney helps him do this..Why still fearful, I wanted to seperate solve finance them divorice...save money grief.....be adults....look where that got me holding the bag for everything including all our debts and responsibilities. He lives scot free in an apartment and I have to pay HIS bills too, out of what I fought to get for my daughters security, the home, some money. I get no child support, no alimony, just all the responsibility in temp orders. He "allows" the check to come here, like a court order didn't, and MY attorney says I got it so good so give him money for HIS husbands expenses.
Husband lies, says he will settle debts, but won't...seperated a year and I am worse off, and taking care of husband who lives the life of riley and has NO worries. Otherwise, I guess I will get nothing after thirty five years of 'support" and home front duty. how did that happen?
He has most of our children, who he ignored when small, only noticed them when old enough to use against me, his sister everyone we know, hating ME, cause "he was so good to me", that is how it "looked" he took credit for all I did, was a workalcoholic, alcoholic (closet binger) and utterly neglectful of me and his children. Abused us all with negative behavior, lies and triangulation..secrets and chaos making, finally turned most of the girls against me (never diciplined always the good guy, manipulative and cruel.....they KNOW some of what he is but he has messed with their perceptions, and sadly standing up for me and them made ME look abusive, as he was so helpless, sick and kind hearted. Yep, so kind that what he did privately was only known by me and him and he keeps it up, through out this divorice. sick sick and more sick these people are mental, cruel, sneaky and just full of evil intent. no one sees them for what they are, and unless you wear a wire, or go with a witness constantly they have you imprisioned, even by your own attorney. We it not for my daughter who needs me still, I would have left, disappeared and never looked back, I sure wouldn't be where HE could find me and work his evil to make me his property doing what HE wants and getting nothing but the blame for the trouble.
Oh, the vindictive people user insisted we had as our wedding day, 2,2 exactly one year to the day of his final divorice from wife one and two, never knew my wedding date was his divorice date. What a shit, no woman wants to share that date, certainly not that way. I honestly NEVER knew, tarnishes ANY good I thought there might have been, made me guilty of something I didn't even know. sick from the beginning. Why would I have thought of that? Only in looking at vital statistics did I find out, within the last month...how cruel to me wife three and her wife one and two. Made me sick to my stomach......just to think that others assummed I knew this and participated in such sickness. I was only 23, so young and naive and trusting. Want kind of NORMAL person does such a dirty trick?
I often questioned myself. Like most people I like to be liked. I loved my children beyond measure. I lived my life, hoping one day to be a stay at home mom. I met a man at my workplace, who was "perfect", or so it seemed. My neighbor in the apts I lived as a single woman was killed by her husband. I found the body after he came upstairs and told me she was sick. She had always told me if she was found dead Dennis did it, clearly he had killed her. It took the PD weeks to even arrest him. My husband to be and I worked at a major police department. He met me for lunch on the day I had to testify in this murder trail. We started dating after this trail, tired of being hit on by married men, I made him show me his divorice decree. He said he had been divoriced 5 years. I mostly looked for a decree with his name on it. 35 years later and much verbal and economic abuse,,,after a horrible seperation (my insistance) I find he lied. He had barely been divoriced a year when we married, guess on what day same exact day as his divorice was final. He had married and divoriced the same woman twice, five years together, five years divoriced, remarried, and divoriced less than a year, which meant he was dating others while still married to her, he was officially divoriced when we met, be not for the five years he told me, barely one. He lied from the beginning, probably went back to this woman frequently during our marriage though he denied it. His family and everyone always treated me like a mistress, now I know why...liar from the start, what a shock it was to find this out 35 years later. Trouble is doubt anyone would believe I never knew.......he probably showed me the firs decree, but then I was looking for names not dates....he was ten years older. Classic abuser, but no one believes anything I say. I am broken and will never be free. currently I am forced by the court to give HIM money, though I haven't worked in 35 years, but off and on, he forces me to pay his bills, the court didn't order me to, and my attorney says pay him...I don't know why except he has made it look like he is being good to me, when he has barely left enough money to support me and daughter, and our huge debts and expenses. Many of these are in my name as he insisted I used credit cards in my name for major purchases......to better insulate HIS pension from use...He took major money for his expenses when we seperated......he hit me I locked him out...no one cares what they do EVER you are just "stupid", there is no freedom ever. Even with seperation or divorice. violence against women doesnt help or they are so overloaded, all they do is tell you get an attorney, only the worst cases of physical abuse are even welcome, and they usually end up dead pdq, after leaving. The rest of us just sol. good luck, it is not great leaving and you have to deal with them the rest of your life, that is why I waited till kids grown, funny he still has my kids convinced I am the problem her. Life is shit, my sister's similiar story, her son (not by her abuser) won't even speak to her now, her abuser won, she can't see her only grandchildren, my girls treat me like the plague.......this is a sick way to live. Never marry, never...you cannot know what you have gotten into till it is too late to EVER get out. Had to do it over, (I didn't want to marry so soon but he had me convinced he would lose his job if we didn't, lied about that too) I would never ever ever marry. sad life for sure, alone, and broke in old age with ex still having me on the hook though seperated. One teen child, and me put all eggs into a losing basket, can't run, hide, or escape the control and humilation, or sad of watching a "good life" fall apart when I said enough. You may escape physical death, but you will be dead and all you love taken from you. Hard to rise up again.when old.
The thing about me is that I really do get out if the relationship is abusive. I was just dating someone who seemed so sweet, but it seemed his ADD would make him misinterpret things and he would go off in a million directions. I gave him 3-4 chances and then told him never to contact me again after the last time. Under the heading you have there, "Things Verbal Abusers Do", when I got to #10, I said, "YES!!!" It was impossible to calmly discuss the issue because he would bring in things that had nothing to do with what the issue was, say that I said things that I didn't say, etc. It was like a verbal ping pong ball going all over the room. The passes I gave him initially were because I figured I hit a sensitive nerve each time. But the last time? NOOOO.......!!!! I did absolutely nothing wrong, was very nice and polite, and he just made things up that I did and said, criticized me about something that was none of his business, and was downright verbally abusive. Disappointing, but that was the end of that.
Perhaps your article is meant to be for women, but it's important to remember (and perhaps include?) the kinds of verbal abuse men encounter as well.
Men encounter the same types of abuse, and the abuser attacks them in whatever way it will hurt them the most. For example, my ex called me a whore, told me I was a housewife and nothing more. The meaning of those words wouldn't hurt a man as they hurt me, so of course the wording is different when an abuser attacks a man. Why call a man a whore? It just doesn't have the same impact. Calling a man a "player" or a "gigalo" or "man-whore" or ???? There is no word that compares because "whore" is specific to females, meant to label females, and meant to be derogatory. I'm sure you can think of other examples like that.
Men are *stereotypically* bread-winners, protectors, and aggressive. Until an abuser knows how to push his specific buttons, they would probably call them "weak" or "sorry providers (?)" or "wimps" or tell them they're horrible lovers. The abuser would attack his manhood, the essence of what the victim considers the definition of a "man" to be. All abusers go for what HURTS the INDIVIDUAL the most, and that theme is the same no matter what the gender or sexual orientation of either the abuser or the abused.
When I read your article I knew that although a bit different the words meant the same. He never called me a whore Just things like negative, sexless, frigid, stupid couldn't look after myself without him you get the gist I'm sure. This went on for 30 years then before xmas we bought a block of land with a house on it, we do already have a house that we live in this has acreage for a deer farm never meant to be lived in. I took a friend out their and he was behaving very funny he said he was drinking lights later but I saw him drinking heavy beer. I thought he won't do say anything in front of her so it was ok. Well it wasn't he went into this rant abusing the hell out of me in front of her, we left. I was very angry and wouldn't talk to him when he came home. She was so upset she told her husband he was furious, he rang my son well xmas came we still weren't talking then it all blew up when his sister came up our son had a big blowup with his father. My friends husband also had a go at him on the phone about his behaviour and drinking, while his sister consoled him. He stayed at the new block for a month then told me I could have the house that was it go to centre link. So I went to see about benefits and found out I'd have to go on a disbality payment as I have a chronic illness. I told my husband who then decided he would look after me and pay the bills. We started talking and I went to visit him one day and stayed the night he said he was extremely hungover and barely spoke, the next day he said he was trying to teach my daughter a lesson for not talking to him. So I explained she was not happy with what had happened and she doesn't like your yelling when you drink. He exploded and told me that's why he was staying here so he could drink what he wanted and wouldn't have to yell at us and he doesn't give a rats...what we think about anything. I left once again. It's been 3mths and he has not come home for a night. Then he gave my daughter a rather large sum of money for her birthday thinking it would be fixed. He now comes over quite often has been very well behaved I know he wants to reconcile and I do miss him. He makes fleeting little remarks that I know he is trying but I would like to trust him but I can't. I also at the moment cannot become intimate with him because of all this. I feel he let me down so much while I was sick and made me feel so helpless. The problem is that this has worsened over the years from every so often to every 2nd month to everyday, He came from a very physically violent home and he feels he is different to his father as he doesn't hit me. His whole family just think drinking till you are incoherent or blackout is normal and so is aggressiveness. Heaven help me I still feel he isn't a lost cause. Can alcoholics change Or is it just a fantasy of mine?
Cynthia, yes, alcoholics can change. Yes, abusers can change. This doesn't mean that your abusive alcoholic will change. "Little fleeting remarks" of kindness may be all he can muster. Ever.
I think you should decide what your husband must do to prove he is changing. Words mean nothing - you must see absolute life changes before you can trust him. Things like attending AA meetings, finding a therapist (for himself, not a marriage counselor) and apologizing to you FOR REAL. Here's a hint: If an apology sounds like this, "I am so sorry for hurting you Cynthia, BUT..." It doesn't matter what follows the "but" because the "but" means an excuse for his behavior will follow. He must take responsibility for himself and his actions. The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change? by Patricia Evans is a great book for you to read. It will help you figure out what to look for when an abuser says they will change. Your library should have it.
I'm not sure if I am verbally/ emotionalally abused or having many pitty parties. I was caught cheating years ago..and I was always being accused for it anyway. I am very outgoing and my spouse is not. He has forgiven me but since then have done some things that he thinks are wrong. I lie to him about things I've done or who I talk to to avoid making him upset. There have been serveral timeswhen we have sex that he asks me why I'm so loose. He also always asks who I'm talking to EVERYTIME im on the phone. He has made negative comments about my body and sometimes tell me how hot I am. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a bibble and need to escape. I have expressed that to him and he is very good at manipulating my thoughts to make me feel like I am wrong. So much more...any advice?
Sounds like you're more grinding an axe than actually helping people. You can't fix other people and it's pointless to try. The best thing you can do is fix yourself, and then you can be more empowered. Are you the victim, or the victor? You decide, don't let other people make choices for you. And this is geared towards women, which may be the case most of the time, but there are also many men who have overcome abuse and need to be related to when looking for help, or some encouraging words.
Kent, check my public facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/kellie.holly/. I often post links "just for men". However, I am a woman and I write from my own perspective AND most people who report and talk about domestic abuse are women. You, Kent, are a pioneer and I suspect as more men open up about the abuse in their lives, there will be more men to write from that perspective. What about you? You could start a blog and make a difference if you want.
I mean no disrespect towards anyone.Are you people men or mices (women or wices). If you knew anything at all of my life you would think you were at Disneyland everyday. Only because that is the way you see it. The lady that is so upset at her husband for verbal abuse just suffers the other side of the same coin, you were abused as a child an so was he. Run away from each other as fast as possible and quit blamming everyone else. PLEASE GO TO CHURCH AND OPEN YOUR HEART (HONESTLY)TO GOD,PLEASE. That is the ONLY answer. Don't have hate, that will kill you faster than bad words. GOD BLESS !
I was in an abusive relationship for approximately 2 1/2 years with my youngest child's "father". Everything started as any normal relationship does I suppose. We got along good and never had any sort of arguments. Then everything changed and he changed right before my eyes. It started with "jokes" in public about my appearance or personality. If I said something that was naive he would make sure he commented on it to embarass me but in the form of a joke. That behavior went on for quite awhile. When I mentioned it to him he told me that I was being too sensitive. For awhile I actually thought that could be the case so I let things go. Just ignored the comments you could say. Then came the sarcasm. I was never sure if he was trying to be humorous or hurtful. My self esteem started dropping drastically while these things were going on. I ended up getting pregnant and I remember him telling me to get an abortion. I stood up for myself and told him there was no way that was going to happen. We got into an argument one night and he grabbed me by both if my arms so hard he left black and blue marks. I remember trying to find clothing that would cover it up even though it was summertime. I thought the bruises had gone away and my mom saw them. Like many abused women I told her I hurt myself at work. Then, while still pregnant, he threw me down onto a bed. He was constantly looking at other women in front of me. He would tell me it was my problem and to just "deal with it." Then I had my daughter and man was she beautiful. He didnt stay in the hospital with us. He told me itvwasn't comfortable and he was going home to sleep. Once home he would constantly yell at me and get in my face with these crazy looking eyes. Most abused women will know what I mean. He has spit on me, choked me, pushed me, thrown me down, cut himself in front of me, threatened to call the police due to marks I put on him defending myself, threatened to take my daughter from me, threatened to call CPS on m, said he should've killed me, has broken my drivers door to my car, punched my rearview mirror breaking it while I was driving down the highway at 65 miles an hour WITH my daughter in the car. When I went to leave the first time he said he was buying shotgun shells and he was going to kill himself. That time was before the physical abuse. Alot of emotional abuse transpired as well. Every name in the book and things like "I look at other women cause you have no breasts", "I'm looking at other women to replace you because you aren't attractive to me anymore". He said that one while we were out with my daughter who was a few months old. I don't view him as a dad so I use "my daughter". When I left him I had my daughter in her stroller as I was bringing things out to put into the car. That way I could keep her with me at all times. He started throwing our things out of my car, including her car seat. His mother was there and totally confused so I told her I was leaving cause her son was abusive towards me. Of course he denied it. I continued pushing her in the stroller while gathering my things. He got in my car and claimed he was going with me cause he had things at my mom's house. I told him to "get the f out if my car". Once he got out I had both my daughter and myself locked in the car. He was trying to get in and slapping the windows and trying to open the doors. Once he realized he was locked out he stood behind my car. I got out to tell his mom to make him move. He ran up and pushed my drivers door so far forward he bent the hinges and I couldn't close it. His mother helped me close it and I left without the stroller. I now have a wonderful man who I am engaged to who has NEVER raised a hand to me or my daughter. It took some time but I found him. To all the women out there going through this......please leave! Don't wait hoping he will change. You or your children can afford to stay in that kind of environment. You know what else? You ARE beautiful. You ARE smart. You ARE special. It's not your fault so don't you EVER think it is! Leaving a relationship like this is scary but its sooo worth it. You deserve to be happy and never settle for less. Much love ladies. Stay true to you or no one else will. Leave and start getting back to you. Stop hurting and blaming yourself. They are not even close to being worth your time or energy. Take it from someone who knows.
This is great to see help out there!
But I'm a bloke and it say nothing that can help me!
Why not, Rik? You don't see the patterns of abuse in your relationship?
I feel so lost and battered lately. Five years ago I left a physically/mentally abusive relationship, and fell into the arms of one of my closest friends. At first, everything was great...he made me feel awesome and special. But there were little signs...like he'd flip out if I panicked about something or if he yelled and I cringed he'd get mad and say He's not my ex...don't treat him like he is. We have been engaged for 4 years, we live together, we have pets together and our finances are intertwined. Things get better for a while when I break down and fall apart and threaten to leave. He tries...but over time he falls into playing video games every night, ignoring household chores, and flipping out about my animals, or my spending, or my friends. He's always been a jokester, but lately he calls me things like "cunt" (I HATE that word and he knows it), then when I get upset he says "IT's just a word...you have to be an adult and not let words get to you." Or he says "I just don't feel like sex anymore..with anyone" and will go days without even giving me a kiss or hug...but when I cry and tell him I feel lonely and unloved he says he doesn't want me to feel that way; he's sorry. He will be more careful what he says. My family hates him (he's made fun of my little brother and insulted them too), my friends don't want to do things with both of us (they don't like him either), but I love him. I feel like he doesn't mean to treat me badly; his mom physically and mentally abused him as a kid...I know he grew up not knowing love....
I feel torn..I have friends and family that keep telling me to get out; it won't get better. But I feel like I'll be letting him down if I leave. I'm physically sick and emotionally destroyed....
You are "physically sick and emotionally destroyed"...and you're worried about letting him down? He's let you down. The relationship isn't what you signed up for. You have to take care of yourself first.
I have been in a physical, emotional, mental abuse marriage for years. My children are grown and I have left and came back several times. Such a cycle. Even got divorced and remarried after lots of counseling with our minister. About 3 years later its is all back again. Now have one home with a grandchild for a few months for personal reaaons. I need to get out and I know this, just very scary and need someone to talk to. Its so hard because a few weeks go by and its good then bam here it comes again. I have alot of bills and such and am afraid cant make it on my own. I have taken care of everybody so long and now dont know how to take care of mayself. Anyone else have this happen?
I am so concerned for my daughter. Before she got married she was full of life, bubbly,TRULY HAPPY, and just no care in the world. Then she began pregnant and was over the top with excitement,her husband not so much!
Now 2 months after the baby is here, T is just a jerk. Your cheating on me, I can't trust you, why don't you get a job? Get off your lazy butt and doing something.
She is sooooo depressed!!! She just crys,not happy at all. I encourage her to get out but she doesn't want to break her family up. What do I do? I love her so much.
For Barney...Find a church where you can be surrounded by love and care...Good one's do exist, I am a living testament to that. Just as Women do, so also do Men need guidance and nurturing so don't recoil or isolate b/c you might be afraid someone won't think you've not been Man enough to take her on! God thinks your Man enough and he should be the only one your concerned with How he might think of you or perceive you...Run to Him...God loves you so much...Mj
In my case verbal abuse was a part of me since the age of five. I grew up around my mom and stepdad and witness it for a couple of years and than when she was upset she would act the same towards me. became a man at the age of 31 to understand life and what we have and then in minutes it lost because of immaturity and the way i reacted to a simple problem.both were mellow type of couple so we let anger built for years but there is always a breaking point.My ex had every right to feel like if i was cheating on her because of my past yet when my first daughter jasmsine came into our life.I look at her and told myself i wouldnt want nobody cheating on her so i made her a promise not to cheat on her mom but the scar were already there ex.This was at the age of 17...our fights were like 10 minutes a hurrican bad word eachother you name it got worst i started using drugs to ignor the problem she used verabl insult me and i kept kool until the drug was all gone.my addition made see the anger that i held in her...But then we would be happy it worked for 15 years..I modivated her to get her licence to go to school..But when i went to school she thought i was flirting with all the girls.I didnt attend graduation cause i didnt want to hear the nonsense.Yet when she graduate she went i felt she was neverous i found phone number of guy and i was upset were i looked like the idoit fighting infront of her family.So i started calling her names now i realize and i feel bad because she was always really on my side we always help one another apart from the negative.. i think as a couple we need to listen and understand one another we live in a world where there no time for that..So i got in trouble with the law went to prison at the 33 first time and my only freind cause i was a family man was drifting aways and that when i made inventory of my flawsto realize i was wrong and thing with my heart not with my brain..and karma is real and its not funny at age 35 i got with this girl within a week of being together verbaly insulted me i was like what...it last 3 months she got pregenat with shyala my lil girl..jan 2013 i get call social service that shyala mom shook her and she rushed her to the ememergince room her excuse was shayla was cryen and they had a photoshoot and she was stress out...i am just finding that she has always been a escort and her mom and sister..she told my family i gave her a std....I havent called her name but i told this not the life i want so i walked away when she told me she was pregnat but i been there bought the baby and its alway been a fight so i stayed aways i thought i was the problem so if i stayed aways maria would be stressed out and take out on the baby,iam finding out she lives the baby with stanger. now i now my ex didnt deserve me calling her names over something that she wasnt doing....now i stay aways from shyala mom i went to seek for help from differnce resource and it suck i got to wait till court date now i find out she named shyala as her ex boyfreind initials...verbal abuse is not ok but as a human you could only take so much and words scar and never heal but if you have communication any thing can be done cause it take two to start a fight and take a real man or man to walk away from it and not judge the other person that comes along to be the same every one deserve the benifit of the doubt..a quick view of my own personal life
I can't assess my situation and would like to read comments. I started smoking 2 1/2 years ago after several years of stress (fighting for his kids from a previous marriage). I also had undiagnosed situational depression. I never smoked in the past nor has my husband. He won't touch me anymore and has said things like "Smokers are as close to scum as you can get." I get constant comments and dirty looks. I smoke about 4-6 cigs/day and do it outside. He said that I must think smoking is more important than my relationship. That is not true. I would never treat him like dirt if he started smoking.
Thank you for this. Even though I am not in a verbal relationship my last one ended. I honestly thought it was because I had a panic attack and said some awful things I didn't mean. I cried and cried and apologized and agonized over it and felt horrible, but the guy wouldn't accept it. I thought I was a "verbal abuser." But I admitted I was wrong, apologized, and never denied any of it. On the flip side, he blamed the whole thing on me and wouldn't even take responsibility for his part so maybe it's a good thing as that could have gotten very bad emotionally. I am so sorry for anyone that has gone through stuff like this. I had a friend that had a verbally abusive husband which later turned into physical abuse.
My heart goes out when I hear these storys.I was abuse from my father always hitting me, would tell me I came out like my mother.She had an affair with his brother. Always blame me.His parents help raise my sister and I was 5 years old when they got divorse.I had so much shame growing up at 17 i hooked up with a older guy who worked and would take me out later got pregnet and he started abusing me.We were together for 8 years.One day while he went to work after having two children ages 5 and 3 i desided to plan to leave him before he kill me or I would kill him. Then months later I met another guy which didnt hit me but had a drinking problem but loved and care for my children and that was the only reason I got close to him. Well he cheated and spend all his money at the bars and on whores.But later he promise he was going to change we started going to church and got married.Well that lasts only a year but again another relationship.I kept going to church and I ask Jesus Christ into my heart and would get stronger. So last straw was when after being married he stayed out all night and I saw a hicky on his neck I ran into the kitchen and grabed a knife to kill him.He ran out the door after that I desided I needed to stay alone for awhile to heal from all my broken hearts.I got strong worked and raised my sons.But I do have to say to everyone who stays it will effect your childrens.My sons have anger problems and the oldest always blames me.For everything that goes wrong in his life. I am now married again to a man who dont drink or cheat loves me but I view him has a weak man never sticks up for him self and i find my self being the abuser now which I hate but working on it with Gods help.Life is strange but I promise my self no man would abuse me ever again.God bless
me and my boyfriend have been together for 3years there is an 11year age difference between us he is 30 and im 19.
It all started when i left home 3 months after being found out we are seeing each other from my mother i then had a choice him or my family i chose him , we then stays in a flat on the top floor that was over 100 years old it was cold and gloomy he always worked and i stayed at home with no family just him, we then started arguing over silly things and with my emotions being all over the place it didn't help , i started to get depression and anxiety all i wanted to do was lock myself away and never go out i have a dog as well and because of her she was the only reason i would get out of bed each day so i could walk her , feed her etc...
so we lived in this flat for 6 months arguing constantly and me keeping my secret of having depression on the 6month of living there one night he was working and i just broke down i wanted to kill myself police came my bf had me down to the ground so i could not move i had been secretly self harming , my bf had to get into contact with my family to let them know and my gran and mother come running in the house with a neighbour i had to go see help etc..
they then got me put into a new flat where i felt so much happier and my head was alot lighter but after maybe a month our arguments slowly started to happing and they have now increased alot , he doesn't realise and provokes me and i tell him to walk away or leave the room and i can calm down and breathe but he doesn't he keeps going threatening to call my family or saying i need help etc... i then reply back to defend myself and it gets more heated we swear , scream and shout at each other and a good few times he has got in my face and calling me names or grabs my ankles and knows i dont like it so i would hit him but to defend myself to break free from him now its gotten to the point where it will end up in things getting chucked across the room or me thinking about death and trying to kill myself , i just dont know what to do anymore.