Ending a Relationship: How Do You Know When Enough Is Enough?
When deciding on ending a relationship, the first question we ask ourselves is: How do I know when enough is enough? Someone very special and beautiful asked me that question this week.
In our culture, we are faced with all kinds of messages about relationships: see the good in people, relationships take work, rise above, and don't have too many expectations. Then, don't put up with anyone's disrespect, take care of yourself, set limits, leave abuse. These messages convolute all our decisions on how to set boundaries in relationships or know when it is right for us to leave them. We don't know who to blame, us or them. Add to it worry and fear about being alone, or being abandoned, or about other people judging you, and it becomes a maze to wade through.
Unconditional Love and Ending a Relationship
Problems in significant relationships effect our anxiety and depression more than any other factor in our life because our relationships and their success define us. These are huge decisions. The heaviness of making the right one, can be immobilizing. One can either open to reconnecting, nor can they step away to relieve themselves. Above all, they lose all trust in themselves, staying in misery and passing it back and forth between them.
We think we are supposed to have unconditional love for our partners and mistake this for having an unconditional relationship. Relationships have conditions! All relationship arrangements are negotiable, and there is usually aspects that for one or both partners that are not negotiable.
It is not easy to chose to leave a relationship and I do not have a prescription answer. Sometimes, it is best and other times it is not, and these both can depend. One thing I do understand is that if you make a decision, you make that your decision. Whichever you decide, you live that decision with your best self. Look deep inside you, beyond all fear and all guilt and there you'll find the answer. Ask your higher self what is the best for everyone involved. Step back from the situation and see yourself and your partner from a distance. This intention and perspective can help you get clarity.
The Ending a Relationship Decision
There is no right decision. Decisions are like everything else, relative. It doesn't matter if it is "right" or not, you make a decision and then make it right for you.
You might decide to postpone your decision to end a relationship, but even that is a decision to be lived instead of lamented. Don't beat yourself up for "not deciding," postpone consciously. But before making a decision about whether to stay in or leave a relationship, think about this:
- Know you are exactly where you are supposed to be. You are perfect and awesome.
- There is nothing to be afraid of, you cannot chose wrong.
- Get people that love you around you.
- Find your worth and know who you are and your purpose.
Then, and only then, the preferable choice will be as clear as day.
How have you decided to stay in or leave a relationship? Let my friend know how you did it. Comment below!
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Lobozzo, J. (2012, July 18). Ending a Relationship: How Do You Know When Enough Is Enough?, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2023, June 5 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/anxiety-schmanxiety/2012/07/how-do-you-know-when-enough-is-enough
Author: Jodi Lobozzo Aman, LCSW-R
I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years now but the first 3 were the worse. he would cheat, be verbal abusive and even hit me. He ended knocking out my teeth that got to the point that they got infected and caused a chain reaction and they all fell. He ended up leaving me for a someone who I thought was a friend. When things went south he came back and apologies and I took him back. Things went well, he proved his loyalty and changed but his friends always kept butting in our business and he would take their side. They thought I was too stuck up because I wouldn't chat or gossip but I would tell him, how could I? I have no teeth. I was so embarrassed. No one knows what he'd done and I wouldn't want to because they will think I was so stupid for taking him back. Well we had our good moments but every time we did social things with his friends it was the same drama, talking about me, asking him what was my problem and we would fight constantly in the car and he would side with them. I was already tired and getting to the point that this was a dead end relationship, till one day he decided to go off in a get away trip (with the same ppl that would talk about me) and leave me behind. That was the nail to the head for me. He explained how they thought I was the party pooper and the "mad" one and brought the group down. So I left him. He begged me but I never replied. I know to some they might say, work it out but after so many years of the same BS did I do the correct decision? I hate all of this because why be so unconsidered after I practically gave him the world... I just want the honest truth my heart is broken but I keep telling myself its for my own good...
Any advise? Thanks for listening
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 5 years and have 2 wonderful boys. But he is so disrespectful to me. Any chance he gets he calls me horrible names and is always accusing me of cheating when I haven’t done a thing. I’m to the point to where I love him and I’ve been trying to make this work for a while now but the verbal abuse is what’s killing me. I don’t know weather to leave or to stay for the sake of my kids. I’m so stuck and worried if the choice I’m making is a good choice or not.
I’ve been with my girl for nearly 4 years but she has a bad drug problem, she has promised me numerous times she will stop but that promise never comes, she will say she wants to but the. Others says she’s her own person and can do what she wants, she says she will always chose me over drugs but I also never see that when it comes down to it, I’m the bad one for saying I can’t take it any more and the only reply I get is that’s your choice to leave I don’t know why your making a big deal out of it, and if u want to leave then you can, but she’s a complete different person she. She’s on them and I don’t love that person, I love the real her but she won’t even help herself so what am I meant to do
I have been with my boyfriend for 1 year. he has been having family issues and has been ignoring me which makes me think he doesn't care about me anymore I have been understanding with the whole family issue and I've tried to be there for him but he doesn't open up. I've been feeling alone and worthless so I don't know if I should just leave the relationship for good or just take a break.
thank you I need the guts to get away from her abuse
I’m in a situation where my husband leaves me every other weekend to go stay with his kids because his ex don’t want them around me. I’ve never done the kids or her wrong. We have been married 6 years and together 7 .. He never asked me if I would be okay with it. He never tried to sit down and talk to me about it. He just did it and continues to. I was told to live with it or I know where the door is. It’s been a year now. I’m to a point I feel I’m going to snap. Someone tell me what you would do please!
Let me just say from my personal experience RUN AS FAST AS U CAN that is not normal what so ever there is definitely something going on
I think there is as well. Thank you
You are exactly right run with your heart and self respect in tow... He has been cheating the whole time in my opinion. It’s like a bigamist having two households legally by only being in a written divorce.... It’s like being with a married man and that will never workout as long as he has two homes with two women he controls because I’m sure he has said the same thing to her in round about ways... leave!!!!!
I would sit down and talk to him and her to figure out why she have a problem with you and why he has to go to her house to see the kids why can't they come here and if he has a problem with you asking them question then it time for you to leave him and find somebody that's gone appreciate your love and loyalty
Run, nothing more nothing less. As a woman who has spent the better part of her life trying to raise a husband out of a scared boy I can tell you that one of yours isn't opting for adulthood. Adults do not allow themselves to be emotionally blackmailed by ex-spouses. If she really has a problem with you she should be able to discuss it with you without abusing you, him or the kids. That she has dictatorial powers over your marriage to him & how he will behave is proof he's not done with her and cleaving to you as his wife. That said you would do yourself a deep disservice and be self abusive to let him dictate these terms too.
Take yourself & go, say nothing to any of them you owe no one else an explanation other than to say something as noncommittal as "we didn't see eye to eye" let them explain, ppl outside will think what they want anyway. Hold your head up , your real friends will take your side no matter what. Do not be this joker's "sometime wife", any male (even the lowest, unprincipled, or immature) will tell you if he really wants you yourself for his wife nothing absolutly nothing will stand in his way of being with you. Best of Luck GF.
last week my husband has presented me with divorce papers, It was the greatest shock of my life. I almost lost my life to alcohol... I lost my job, I got sick and was admitted into the hospital emergency ward, Two days later when I opened my eyes I saw my mom and my husband beside me holding my hands, I was shocked again and confused to see my husband.
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My boyfriend and I have been dating for 18 months. The first 12 months he hid a lot about his financial situation and mental health. He tried to commit suicide. The past six months has been him rebuilding and me supporting him emotionally. I’m worried though, that I won’t be able to trust him again. How do you get past that? What if I never again?
You can disagree if you want, but I don't believe this should be about trust. Taken from personal experience, it is often very difficult (close to impossible, even) for someone with severe mental illness to disclose to others. The decision to keep that to themselves is often not about deceiving others, even though they are technically keeping something from you. It is often just too hard. Just keep supporting him - that is the best thing a person in your situation can do.
Don't agree...No trust= no relationship, no matter how you look at it
I’ve been learning a lot about being a co-dependent and adult child from a dysfunctional home. While those are good questions to ask yourself, I would suggest asking these questions too. “What are your personal and emotional needs?” “If your boyfriend needs an incredible amount of emotional and mental support, are you capable and qualified to offer it?” “At what point do you need to draw a boundary between offering him support and having your emotional being drained and neglected to serve his needs?” It is very easy to get swallowed up and disappear when someone else has “major” needs whether real or not.
So I’m asking you to ask yourself, “Can Sue trust herself?”
My problem is there will be an issue in my life and i will be dealing with it. I will talk to him about it and he then goes behind my back and deals with it but won't tell me he did. I told him many times he has to stop. If I wanted or needed his help I'd ask. If I don't tell him when I'm dealing with issues, he accuses me of keeping secrets. If I tell him, he goes behind my back and deals with it and doesn't discuss it with me. The truth always comes out eventually and rather than admitting he's in the wrong, he tries to justify why he had every right to deal with the situation and did nothing wrong by not telling me. he then lies and says it will never happen again. I don't touch his phone and I don't let him touch mine. He says it's me keeping secrets. It's called privacy. The only people I talk to are my kids. It's none of his business what my children and I talk about. In the same breath, I trust him so it's none of my business what he talks about with his contacts. I am extremely open with him and he barely tells me anything yet is always accusing me or being secretive or not open. I feel like I'm suffocating.
I've been in a committed relationship and living with my boyfriend for two years I just recently brought up the subject of marriage and he says he's not sure if he wants to get married again that is first marriage messed him up really bad and he wants to take it slow although he's thought about it. I have caught him reaching out to female friends flirting, and being doshonest and secretive about his coversations. I'm having a hard time making the decision to leave or stay. Trust is obviously an issue now and the fact that i now feel he may not ever want to get married again really bothers me especially since marriage is a must for me. What do i do?
If marriage is that much of a dealbreaker for you, then, as hard as it is, you need to have an honest conversation with yourself and decide whether or not you want to stay with him. It seems to be a lot more important to you than it is to him. And if he is flirting behind your back, then you need to ask him if he's really taking the relationship seriously. If not, it would perhaps be in the best interest of both of you to move on. That may be a negative sentiment, but I have seen enough people stay in negative relationships for far longer than they should have. There is no shame in leaving if you honestly think you would be better off apart, and there is nothing to be gained for staying in a relationship that isn't working simply for the sake of keeping it going.
Hello everybody. Im in same situation. My bf of 6.5 years never told his family about us and has been living with me for 3 years until April 11th of this year. I now know he will never tell them as hes scared of his father whos now very ill and my bf said he cant tell them now because his dad might get heart attack(i think thats BS) anyway after me begging him to tell them so that we can finally go out together as a couple and be a family. I have 2 kids but i never asked him to father them. Oh and i know his family really well. So i made the first step and told him to move and give us space to think. Mind you hes still the same. No change in his behaviour. After so much reading and listening to many videos i realised i was only convenient amd he was comfortable. Now i a taking my power back and guess what he doesn't like it. But i dontcare anymore. I love and respect Me!! Better times with my kids. I study again (im 33) and i have goals. I also want to be agood role model for my son and daughter. 12 and 8.
Good for you!
Good for you!
Good on you.
After being in relationship with my husband for nine years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email is (LAVENDERLOVESPELL@YAHOO.COM } tel.+2348102652355) you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything.https://lavenderlovespell.wordpress.com
Hi ladies. I'm looking for a bit of advice here. I've been with my partner for nearly two years now and I have a son who is not biologically his (we got together when I was six months pregnant). Things started out great at first, he was very courteous and attentive to the relationship and this stayed the same when my son was born. Over the past few months he has become a very stressy person and more often than not this is taken out on me. Not in a violent way but he tries his best to make me feel how he does. He doesn't help around the house anymore and rarely helps with my son who is now 15months. He doesn't cuddle me, kiss me or even make love to me anymore. I keep thinking I'd be better off without him as I'm trying so hard to keep the relationship going that the bond between me and my son has become so brittle. I just don't know what to do.
I can relate. I fell pregnant during a rebound back to my ex, and we have now been back together for 6 years. As soon as our son was born, it became apparent that my partner was essentially resentful that I needed to attend to the baby instead of him. All affection was withdrawn and I spent years trying to figure out what was happening, blaming myself and attempting to "fix" our relationship. It has certainly at times been miserable, but we have two children together who are amazing. Two and a half years ago I decided that my kids were more important than anything. I want to be able to give them at least one loving parent who puts them first, and unfortunately my partner is always going to be morose, uncommunicative and demotivating, but I am also pretty sure he would be a terrifying coparent if we actually split up, so I choose to do the absolute bare minimum in terms of our relationship and just focus on the kids instead. Since I started backing myself in that decision and not trying to be singlehandedly accountable for a relationship that is never going to be fulfilling for me, our family is more happy and functions well. It's not perfect, but its honest. And my kids are happy and so am I :)
If he wasn't the biological dad to my kids, I would leave in a heartbeat. In my heart of hearts, I feel that your only real responsibility here is to your son. He needs you more than any other man, and you can make that happen whether you stay in the relationship or go.
I have been in therapy for over 12 months getting professional counselling on child development and parenting strategies, just so i feel strong and supported in that very important role. Some mums get that from a partner, but if you can't then you should find it else here, from someone trustworthy. I wish you all the best xoxo
Wow Jess! I have a similar situation but we have one child and I really want to leave but I know his mom will make him fight for joint custody and my poor child will suffer so I’m trying to just live for me and her right now and stick it out for a little while longer, she’s only a year old
hello, I am a housewife and mother of 2 kids, Although sometimes it feels like I am a mother of 3 with my husband being the 3rd child. He is a GREAT father to his children however, he forgets that I am his wife and I have SEntimental needs. He never pays attention to how I feel or think. never bothers to ask me how my day goes being a full time mom. Unfortunately, when we argue things get very bad to the point where he has Punched me in the HEAD 3 times in the past 7 years. He also gets verbally abusive with me calling me any filthy word that he can. I am at a breaking point where I don't know what to do? DO I end the relationship even though I know my kids will be very affected by this?
If there are abusive verbal tendencies then marriage counseling can work to help you set healthy boundaries. Both have to agree to learn how to voice thoughts and feelings
and listen instead of responding emotionally.
Dude. Yes LEAVE. He punched you in the head. Your kids will be negatively affected by violence and abuse or divorce. It's all tricky, life shapes us all in positive and negative ways. But ask yourself this - would it be better for your kids to know that their mother took control of a horrible situation and prioritised her safety, their safety, and their relationship with at least one healthy parent?
Seriously think about leaving. If not for your own safety, then so your children don't grow up thinking this behavior is normal & end up being in the same situation. You're worth much more than this!
Hi everyone. I am facing a crossroads. My boyfriend of 6 years and I are at an end. We love each other so much even until it hurts us both. We have gone through so much. He has always been an abuser of cough medicine and we have worked so hard on his addiction together,but it still finds a way to come back and he spirals out of control.He refuses to give them up this time and has started drinking heavily. The relationship has gotten so violent at times. He steals my debit cards and my car so he can get high. He wants me to accept him for who he is,but I'm miserable. We have been the only family to one another since we got together. He also is so smart and talented with huge dreams and ambitions, but the addiction has such a hold over him. I am a crisis counselor and feel at times like a failure because I could not save him. He is also an illegal immigrant and a felon. This occurred during our relationship. I feel that he came into this relationship much better and I feel guilty for trying to leave. I keep hoping he can kick this addiction,but is hoping really enough to stay in a dangerous and miserable situation. I do love him very much and our love is one for the record books. We have both sacrificed so much. Would you leave?
Hi everyone im a young man still in college and my girlfriend has a lot of aniexty and depression problems she just had her spring break and now she's back in school tonight she has been very distant and unusually different with her actions I have been trying very hard to help her for the past 11 months and I'm all she has she's very stubborn due to her aniexty And i have to keep my feelings with her and any stress i get a secret to my friends I am very lost on what to do and I'm not feeling very well as a person because i have so much weight on my shoulders I love her so much but it is a challenge just spending time with her I have contemplated leaving but i feel its not the right thing to do any help is appreciated god bless.
I am pursuing PhD. It will take next three years to finish it. My boyfriend and his parents give me pressure to get married to himbefore I finish my degree. But, I want to get married only after my studies 3 years later. I feel really annoyed and stressed these days. I have only one choice.. to let him go. Do you think it’s true? Thank you so much.
Yes if your not mentally ready to take that step and your not feeling it back out that's your inner you putting resistance
Out of all the comments that are needed for the other two people... this one is the one that got a comment pushing the person to action. Fact of the matter is, everyone looking for a reason to leave, should leave. Everyone looking for a reason to stay, will only be able to find it themselves. The only thing that any person is going to add to these issues, is a helpful shoulder or ear.
I’ve been married for nearly 11 years, together about 13. Our relationship started off rough. He has a daughter from previous relationship and I have a son from a previous relationship also. His mother adores his ex and has never given me a chance all these years. She shows complete preference towards his daughter over my son never inviting him to take part in fun activities or visits to her house. My husband tolerated this all these years saying there was nothing he could do to change it. His daughter has been surrounded by negativity towards me since she was 5 so naturally, she has done nothing but try to cause conflict since day 1. Despite this I’ve still remained loyal by his side. Now, about him. He’s 38, works part time by choice contributing minimally to our household. He has not been a father to my son who doesn’t even have a relationship with his biological dad and then there’s me working 45 hours or so day in and day out climbing the ranks at my job to provide for the family. At the end of the day I come home to a messy house with dinner on the table 1-2 times a week if I’m lucky. 1 of those times is usually when he has his friends over. He does whatever he wants goes out enjoying life while I work and bare the burden of all household expenses and responsibilities. He has 0 ambition.
As far as our “relationship” goes, he puts as much effort into that as he does his work ambition. He touches me only for sexual advance and I better respond quickly or he goes into a rejection temper tantrum. He literally doesn’t want to bother with any sort of loving or cuddling to turn me on just wan bam done and back into his agenda.
Anytime I try to talk or address the issues we have, he erupts into a dillusional fit combined with verbal attacks and name calling. I stand my ground for him to simmer on what he just said and how he behaves so once he then realizes his livelihood is in jeopardy he comes to me like a hurt dog. “I’m sorry I said that, what do you want me to do” “make me a list” I don’t want to be his mother or personal manager. I just want him to do what’s right. He thinks because he’s not alcoholic or abusive I should be grateful but he seems to resemble more of a bad roommate than a husband yet somehow I remain conflicted after all these years invested. I have loved him but ultimately maybe I need to hit rock bottom before I take action. I’m just tired of no respect or appreciation and being the only adult in the relationship. Thanks for reading my rant would love any advice!
Me and my Boyfriend have been together for 4 years. Throughout these 4 years we’ve had roommates here and there. Some lost jobs, lack of income. But lately I’ve been really hurt and feeling like a burden. I’m currently unemployed, and have been for 3 months. My boyfriend finally has a good paying job that he loves. And he just looks at me like I’m barely trying. He doesn’t understand that I’m doing everything to find a new job. Even when I wasn’t working I always had some type of income coming in, despite him being unemployed for 8 months. I always made things work. This whole 3 months he makes sure he tells me every couple days that I need a job. As if stating the obvious makes these employers get back to me quicker. I get a utility check every month for $100 and I put that toward whichever bill needs it more, or sometimes I split it between the gas and electric. It doesn’t make me feel good having to depend on him that’s why I try so hard to find a new job. And in the meantime I do whatever he says, whatever he needs because I try to show him I’m still helpful. But it always comes back to me not having a job. Earlier I said he was in this exact situation, that was a year ago. When he was unemployed I NEVER put him down or made him feel worthless. While he was unemployed I had went through 2 jobs. I took good care of him, well as good as you can when you’re living off of one check. I did my best and never complained that he didn’t have a job. I didn’t do that because I knew my man would find something. His own friends nagged him more than I did. I said it several times that he just needs to be patient, and I’ll find a new job. He thinks he’s stressed?? Try having an unemployed partner for a year!! Still I never complained. I stood by my man, as a queen would do her king. But I just can’t seem to get that same treatment. Oh and one more thing I offered him a place to live after his roommates got themselves evicted from their place. You would think he would cut me some slack. Smh
Hi. I've been dating my boyfriend for close to 7 years now. We met in University and still dating until now. Initially, he wasn't really my type but I grew to love him because he is smart, a go getter and he teaches me a lot of things. For a year now, my parents have been telling me not to get married to him because of our different ethnic groups. He doesn't even mind if I don't talk to my parents anymore but I honestly don't want to loose either of them. Some months ago, we were together and I kinda got him mad. He told me not to do something but I did it anyway and he slapped me. He apologied to me and told me the only reason he did it was because I disobeyed him. I really didn't mind this because I was wrong anyway. Fast forward to some months later, he hit me because I was driving recklessly. I confronted him about this and he said if I acted like an animal he would treat me as such. I also remember him asking me if I was 'f*ING stupid' in front of his coworker. I really didn't like this. He has told me about twice that he would be doing me a favour by getting married to me because I am lazy, dirty etc. and he doesn't want me to be laughed at by my friends and because I am in a bit of financial pinch and would not want me to bear all the financial burden alone. He also told me that it is not like sex with me is the greatest.
One time I remember we were in a bit of an argument and he threatened to leave me if I did not reply him. I cried so much that night. He also told me that since he is a man he can easily get someone else because men have time while women don't.
I have been having second doubts about our relationship and I bet he has too. I'm really confused and I don't know how to call it off. I don't want to hurt his feelings and I dont want him to say or do anything that would hurt mine too
Honey, as soon as it is safe to do so, get your arse out of there! You are in a dangerous and incredibly unhealthy relationship with this man. You deserve much, much better than this! He is aggressive, violent and controlling. You do not have to put up with this. Don't you dare worry about his feelings when he clearly isn't worried about hurting you both physically and mentally. Get out of there. Make sure you have a safe place to stay, call the police if you can and make them listen and defend you.
I have been in a same sex relationship for about 2 yeaRS now. Our relationship has always been rocky, but it’s honestly always worked out, because we just “let things go”, or so I thought. My partner constantly acts like everything is fine when in actuality, he is still upset about everything I’ve ever done that has hurt him. In the beginning of our relationship, I smoked marijuana heavily. I was very depressed and marijuana was my outlet. He did not smoke, and he thought it was coming between us, and it was. He asked me not to smoke anymore, and I promised him several times that I wouldn’t, and I broke all of those promises. The last time I smoked was two years ago, a few months after we first got together. After that we would have screaming matches with each other over minut things that didn’t even matter. We worked on those things and things were better for a few months. Ever since then though, nothing has changed. Jump 2 years into the future from then, and we’re still fighting, except now it’s more like he is upset because he thinks I’m inconsiderate, and I’m upset because he is very controlling and shuts down whenever I want to talk. It’s hard for me to understand how he feels because every time he is upset he ignores me, and these fits will last for a couple days. It really hurts me, and it’s beginning to be too much for me, but I’m scared because U love him so much, and I don’t want to lose him, but at this point it feels like the love is gone, and like to means nothing to the both of us. Also we live together, 45 minutes away from our home town and I rely on him financially, despite having a full time job of my own. I’m not sure what I’d do if we did split ways, emotionally and financially.
I honestly don't know what to do. I am truly confused if i should leave my husband of 4 years. We met through a mutual friend. And sparks flew. We didnt date right away. We stayed friends( with benefits) for about 1 year. Then just friends for 3 years. One day we met up and something happened and we started dating. Not sure what was different about that time. But it worked. We were inseparable. We both lived at home still. Both families catholic. It was hard to get alone time. But we made it work. My parents love him. And his family loves me. We have cultural differences. I am a mutt and my husband is chaldean(iraqi christian). So all the different traditions his family has, i fell in love with as well. In the culture though you do not leave the house unless your married. Well we were in love so it made sense. We started looking for a house. Put a offer in and he proposed. I was happy. I thought we will move in and be able to be free to do what we want for each other. So we moved in and made a life. Planned the wedding which his family pressed to be ad soon as possible since we weren't married just engaged. The culture is very by the book catholic. While living together i thought pur intimacy would rise. Having alone time. It did somewhat. But not to what i think a new couple should. But i loved him so that wasnt everything to me. First year we got used to living with someone else. All the things you work out like whose responsibility for each chore is what etc etc. Got married and things were great. On our honeymoon we did not have sex. Which is noy a big deal. Your on vacation and you get tired. But i always feel like i could never open up to him in that way. But things were good. We were the couple that everyone around us that said your so lucky....you guys are perfect...we strive to be like you. We respected each other and things were good. Soon things started to subside in the bedroom even more. My husband gets irritable when things arent perfect. Which may be from his family because everyone on his side has major OCD tendencies of cleanliness. Soon i felt nothing i did was good enough. Criticism was a normal thing. For everyday life. I didnt make enouhh money to save for us. I didnt clean enough. I didnt cook enough. I am a optimistic person usually and it never brought me down until a year and a half ago. I wasnt aware before but my husband suffers from depression. And he was in the thick of it. I always listened and was supportive. He drank everyday almost. I suggested cutting down or things to help him. He hates his job so i helped him find new ones. He needed to stay at his job becausr it profided insurance for us. Which made me feel guilty. The feeling of guilt is always with me now. He was always waking up sick and came home from work and zoned out while watching tv or playing on his phone. He gas great hobbies that he does as well. Ge started taking antidepressants. But he still drank frequently. He was unhappy and so was i. Intimacy was never there and i felt like i was very generous when it came to that and him selfish. So it turns me off. Ive noticed how much irritation he has towards his mother always. And fekt like he started treating me that way. I started feeling disconnected . This grew for a year. I just hated the negativity he gave off. He told ne he always had depression is just didnt show when we dated...im always goal oriented. And wanted to start a business. Which is supported. I do hair and started looking for a shop to open up. I found a single studio which i moved to and business has been great. He was happy for me. But also jealous. As he would make comments i wish i had that etc. I work a little more but i am able to save money now so he should be happy! Always trying to make him happy. My 30th birthday cane around and i was having a party. This was the straw i believe. For his 30th i planned a big surprise party and he was happy with that. Mine seemed like a burden. Which everything always seemed like. The day came and he was irritable as ever. Layed in bed all day. Came out periodically to check on things. He was miserable. The thought of people coming and getting the house dirty. When people came he was fine and put on a happy face. After that...my wall was up so much. Which is my current situation. The negativity, the criticism, never being good enough, the lack of intimacy. Tore me down. He attempted to be intimate one day and i couldnt get into it. He then realized something was wrong. And he started to get emotional. I think he knew i was unhappy at this point. I felt guilty. He then tryed to be nicer and started to dig on the the problems were. He started seeing a therapist and changing his ways. Something inside him sparked. But i felt cold to all the changes. I thought it will not stay he has done this before. It will gp back to how it was soon enough. Within a month he started working out, seeing a therapist, dieting, and trying hard to be nice. One night recently while all these changes are happening he told me he has something to tell me. He told me he has a porn addiction and that he thinks it coming in between us. He got emotional. And i stayed strong. Which is usually how it goes. I felt bad since he had exposed a deep secret to me. And he said he is trying not to dp that because he wants to fix things between us. About 2 weeks later. He was going out with friends. Which i was happy he was getting out socializing with his buddies. He came home drunk. He tryed to cuddle me. And i said i have to work in the morning. But he smelled of whiskey and was kind of rough because of the alcohol. He flipped out. Ive seen him do this 2 other occasions while drinking with friends and they got mad at each other. But he went into a fit of rage. Blind rage. Screaming that im a monster and loudly grunting and screaming thoughout the house. Theres no way to describe the fear i had. I knew he could overpower me. I left. I was frightened he woyld come after me so i booked it. I could not get to my keys so i was running. I called mom and told ger ehat was happening. She was scared too. I ended up calling 911 as i was worries for his and my safety. He also has exposed to me he has suicidal thoughts so everything was unpredictable. I stayed at my parents for a couple days after the incident. And since then i have been back home just walking on eggshells per usual. I am unhappy. I can't get over what happened. And dont know if i should live my life with a man im so unsure about. Everyday its something different. Hes trying to be super nice to win me back. Or irritable becauae its not working fast enough for him. I feel like there's a rush for me decide if i want a divorce put on by him. He says he loves me and will do anything to make this work... but i feel its too late. My wall is rock hard and i cant get back to "normal". Im so lost. Any advice?
Thanks for reaching out to us at HealthyPlace, I'm so sorry for everything you're struggling with. Have you considered couples therapy? I think if you're still not convinced you should stay or leave, that couples therapy may help you. The lack of intimacy, his issues with the home, and everything else you're experiencing has to be addressed for any improvements to happen and sometimes a couple's therapist can really help you to express your thoughts and feelings on these issues. Again, I'm so sorry, your situation sounds very chaotic and frustrating. Please continue to reach out anytime! Thanks, Emily
I will start saying that I am as everyone here very confused and I shouldn’t be. I am avoiding the decision that I think is right, meaning l Aviña my boyfriend. He is an army veteran with PTSD angry issues and anxiety, I have been extremely patient and supportive while I have been learning how to behave and deal with this condition. He is a better person now but it is consuming me, and the angry issues are explosive. He is sweet and careful but he explodes so easily and in that moment he become a different person. I ended the relationship months ago but he promise me to go to the therapist and follow all the doctors orders. But it’s not enough, I am honestly starting to get scared because he grab me strongly by my arm and I felt to the ground, that for me was the tipping point, a wake up call. I don’t know if I should “understand” and go to therapy with him or end this relationship before it gets more complicated. We have been together for 10 months, we live together and he wants to marry and have kids but I can’t even think about having kids with his angry issues. I’m broken now, i never picture myself being “that woman”, the one with an abusive partner. I’m completely naive in this veterans issues and i feel guilty for wanting to quit because I know it is not completely his fault, is what happened to him before but I can’t destroy my life trying to help him. I love him
I’m really confused.
NotFromHere, I understand your confusion. We're told to stay with our ill partners through thick and thin, and we do our best to do so. However, when the illness has symptoms that puts your physical and mental health on the line, there's nothing wrong with cutting ties. You're right--having children and getting married at this point in time is not a good idea. Trust me, if he continues treatment for his PTSD, he will come to see that your choice was the best one for you (and probably for him, too). When he's better, many things will become clear to him.
And, there's nothing saying you can't love him from afar. It's just not healthy for you to stay.
I am in a relationship that I have been in for 15 years. This man loved me and my two children that we raised together. He is hardworking and he does love me but he has settled for this barely getting by life and I feel stuck. We are not financially stable and he refuses to get a second job saying two jobs are for two ppl. I work everyday and so does he but the money is never enough. Both our credit is in the toilet and every other month we are threatened with eviction.
I am just tired of struggling. I came to his city 15 years ago with my head on straight good credit ambition and a go get it attitude. 15 years later I'm bitter angry depressed and broke. His main phrase is that I am always ready to run, why is your answer to always quit? But I haven't quit, I'm still her but I'm so broken and unhappy I want to quit. Then I think about the kids and how lonely and empty I would be without him. Is this enough to end 15 years of struggling?
I am so happy to come across this post. I met my boyfriend when we were 16. We dated for 2 years, when his dad died. He stayed to redo his last year of of highschool while I went off to university. During that time he cheated on me and we broke up. One of the things I found unattractive about him even then was his lack of ambition. Since then, we have gotten back together. I have always been in love with him, I feel like when we are together we create perfect balance, and with him by my side I feel like I could be better than if I was by myself. He encourages me and believes in me, and I feel he truly cares about me. I truly picture myself having children and a family with him. However I am unhappy. About 9 months ago he dropped out of university. He told me he was a drug addict and had never really gotten over his dad's death, and checked himself into rehab. I was confused by this as in all the years I've known him he's only smoked weed, and he had quit drinking or doing drugs months before he went to rehab, saying they made him anxious. Over the last month while he's been in rehab, he was often calling me saying how he feels the rehab wasn't helping, that he was really anxious, so anxious he hadn't been to a single aa or na meetings while he was there, and that the rehab was doing nothing to address his other problems. I have told him numerous times I feel this isn't the right thing from him; he's running from his problems and his responsibilities. Now he's telling me his mum has told him he can't just come home and do nothing all day, so he's going to South Africa for a further 2-3 months in rehab. He still doesn't think it's the right option, but he simply refuses to look for anything else. I found him numerous different jobs, courses, and treatment programs he could do, and his response is always 'maybe I could do that' and he doesn't look into any of them. I don't know if I'm being hard on him, but it seems to me he just doesn't want to do anything with his life, and it's easier to check himself into hospital for 3 months rather than get off his a** and make decisions about getting a job or going to school. He has told me multiple times he aspires to have a 'sugar mommy' and he wants to be a stay at home dad. I used to think he was just saying that because he doesn't know what he wants to do yet, but now I am unsure. I have had my own struggles in life. I understand his depression/anxiety and his attraction to drugs, however even in the moments of my lowest lows I have always had ambition. I feel like every day I struggle and fight to get where I want to be, while he just throws it away like it's nothing. I am set to graduate college in 2 months, and then I want to pursue a masters or a PhD. I want to travel and see the world. I want an equal, not a child. There is comfort in thinking he will always be there, I haven't had the most stable family or home while growing up, and I feel at home when I am with him, and I know he would be a good father and husband. However I don't trust him to stick around if times get tough. I see him disappearing for a further 3 months of rehab and leaving me home with the kids and bills to pay. But am I getting too ahead of myself? We are both only in our early 20s. It's just that I'm spending more and more time pacing around ranting at him inside my head. I can't help but think why should I be all stressed and working all the time, and not him also? I don't want to be a 'sugar mommy', I want someone to take care of me too, sometimes. I want someone with their own ambitions and career, so if I ever mess up I know I will have security. What do you think? I told him yesterday that I'm feeling confused and need some space to think, that I feel like in life my general philosophy is to fight whilst his is to just kind of wait for things to happen and hope things work out. I told him that will never get him anywhere, that he needs to command what he wants in life before it basses him by. I don't know if having him around will drag me down or not. However I do recognise that sometimes I can forget to stop and feel my emotions, so his slow pace is sometimes good for me, but how slow/apathetic is too slow/apathetic? Even little things like 'what movie shall we watch?' he never EVER will make the decision. I'm tired of always having to take the lead. But all I know is I love him and I feel like an awful person for essentially telling him I don't know if I can deal with the apathy that comes with his mental illness. But then sometimes I wonder whether this is just his personality and he's using mental illness as an excuse. What do you think? Am I being too close minded here or am I right to consider leaving?
Leave him. Its hard because you love him but he will never appreciate you and you will start to resent him for it. He will make a terrible father for your future children. Do you want to do that to them?