Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do
What does verbal abuse sound like? The tone and content varies from abuser to abuser, but the words effect the victim in similar ways. Victims hear horrible things from their abuser and they feel small, withdrawn, angry, helpless, sad, shame, and a hundred other horrible emotions - sometimes all at once.
In the beginning of my abusive relationship, I felt anger and stood up for myself which led to loud, circular verbal altercations that had no solutions. Later, after coming to believe that he was my hero, my savior and provider, I felt stupid and wanted to fix myself so he would love me. Much later, I turned away and left the house for awhile which eventually led to increased physical violence and leaving forever.
Sometimes my abuser's words hurt when he jabs and attempts to provoke on the phone. Mostly, the memory, the countless memories of the abusive things he's said to me rear up and try to convince me that his remembered voice is my own.
This list is only a partial list of the things verbal abusers say. It's not limited to my own abusive relationship. It takes into account what others report hearing, too.
Things Verbal Abusers Say:
- "Why don't you get a job so you understand the real world? Oh, wait - I forgot - you can't get a job because you're a stupid sh!t.
- "Quit your whining and crying. You have no reason to cry or complain! Your life is perfect because I made it that way!"
- "Bitch" (and the countless other names I won't bother to list)
- "I should have left you at the club with all the other whores."
- "If you were more like my mother I could worship you."
- "I hate it when you act so pitiful. Stop the waterworks and talk like a human being."
- "I can't stand to look at you. You make me sick."
- "You're such a great actress! You know how to get what you want, don't you?"
- "I can't believe I have to come home to you every day. How did I get involved with such a train wreck?"
- "I must be the first a$$hole to love you. You don't know how to please a man!"
- "You're fat and miserable and you make me hate you."
- "You always look like God stomped on your face."
- "Why do you care what I want for dinner? My favorites taste like crap when you make them anyway."
- "You used to be as beautiful as my ex, but geesh - time hasn't been good to you, baby!"
- "Those children are mine, will always be mine, and if you leave you'll never see them again."
Things Verbal Abusers Do:
- Deny they said anything similar to the list above.
- Defend what they've said.
- Analyze what they've said out loud, explaining that the words they used do not have the definitions you seem to think they do.
- Block you in a room so you can't leave and thereby avoid what they're saying.
- Talk horribly to the television but are really speaking to you.
- Flip open their knife to open a piece of gum while looking at you under knitted brows.
- Leave to do something else at the last minute when you had plans together.
- Take you out for your best birthday ever and then wind up berating you on the way home for not appreciating their efforts enough.
- Tell your children you need more happy pills to be a good mom.
- Change the topic of the conversation so you bounce from one place to another, never getting to the core of the issue.
- Accuse you of being a whore or a dummy or a _________ so often that they no longer need to say the words but can offer up a "look" and you know what they're saying (then they may deny it).
Okay. I have to stop. My stomach is literally upset right now after digesting the utter contempt and hatred some people spew on a daily basis.
If you're still living in this nonsense, learn about detachment and how it can benefit you. Maybe in time you'll choose to leave your abuser, and maybe you'll choose to stay. No one here will judge you for staying (I've been there and it can feel hopeless!), but please work on ways to make yourself feel better in the process.
*Both women and men could be abusers or victims, so do not take my pronoun choices as an implication that one gender abuses and the other is victimized.
Jo, K. (2012, April 29). Things Verbal Abusers Say and Do, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2022, May 19 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2012/04/things-verbal-abusers-say-and-do
Author: Kellie Jo Holly
I have been with my husband for 10 years. He has cheated on me several times. He corners me and verbally attacks me. He acts like he is going to hit me. He tells me I front of our children that I am a f***ing bilplar B** ch and a horrible mother. He tells me he is the only one that works to give me the life I have. But if I get a job it has to be on his schedule. I feel hopeless I don't want to take my kids from him. But I can't take any more.
Misty - I'm being hypocritical, but plan your departure soon.
My Husband and I have been together for almost 10 years now. We have beautiful children. He was the first man I had ever been with sexually. He calls me names and downgrades me constantly. I have been going through this for a very long time. I recently found out that he has been cheating on me as well. I kicked him out. He was only gone a week and I begged him to come back. So he did. He didnt do it for me tho he did it for our kids. I really just dont understand why I cant let him go. Why everything is just so hard for me. I finished high school and moved in with him right away. I'm about to be 28 years old and still have done absoulutly nothing with my life. When he left I felt like everything was my fault. I begged and pleaded for him to come back. I'm so stupid!! since he has came back NOTHING has gotten better. I have tried but nothing is ever good enough he has no remorse for what he has done and he is making my life really hard right now. He keeps calling me a stupid F****** C*** over and over. He lays in bed and plays games on his phone and he laughs like he has no worries. I dont know what to do anymore. I love him but more so I love the man he used to be. I dont know if he ever really loved me.
The man who lives with me has a bad temper. I thought it was my fault for a long time. We have been together two years and he flies off the handle and blames me. Like a couple days ago I texted him one message while he was at work and he blew up and still is mad. He says he hates me and calls me a stupid b**** and even says he hates my kids, thankfully they are grown. He got drunk a couple months ago and came home and hit me so many times in my arm that I had bruises for almost a month. Then he can be a loving man and its like nothing happened but he always says I made him do it. He always threatens to leave me. I feel like even if he leaves it won't solve the problem. What about the next woman he abuses?
My fiance and I have been together a little over a year now. And in the beginning we both would call each other names,we'll he has asked me to stop and I have but yet he won't stop calling get me names. I'm not sure what to do. I love him to death and would do everything and anything for him. I don't understand... Am I not good enough or does he do this cut he wants me to leave or he wants to leave I'm so hurt and confused right now Idk what to do say at this point. I love him to pieces he's my angel from above he took me out a bad situation and bow he's starting to do simular things my soon to be ex husband did.
My boyfriend is in his late 40s and I'll be 20 soon. He calls me a narcissistic, attention wh**e, and is always accusing me of lying and/or cheating. He can make me feel like the greatest person on the plant. And then lower than dirt the next. If I don't reply to a text or answer everytime he calls, he gets extremely upset. He says my entire generation are narcissists. If I tell him how this makes me feel either by getting upset or calmly explaining it always ends up my fault. I've tried to talk to him. But I feel like there's no changing his mind ever. So what should I do?
Sorry to hear you're going through this. What you're describing is a classic emotional abuse situation. I have been in your position and learned that there is nothing you can do within the relationship to change an abuser's behavior. You — the closest person to him — are the perfect scapegoat for his own issues, and the person he will project all of his mistrust on to.
I know that leaving the relationship feels impossible, but you may come to realize that this is the only way you'll be able to feel like yourself again. My experience was very similar to yours, and I felt like my life wasn't worth living when the relationship ended. A few weeks without him in my life made all the difference: I finally felt free to be myself for the first time in years and went on to meet my fiancé, who treats me with respect and love 100% of the time. That is the kind of relationship we all deserve, not one in which we're constantly walking on eggshells.
This article will give you some guidance on where to go from here, and how to go about finding support.
I probably won't see these reply's but I felt I needed to talk to someone, anyone about what has been happening to me.. I'm 21 years old and my fiance is 22 we have been together since we were 15 years old. We have always had small fights, but several months ago I started talking to this girl from my job, we never had sex but it was an emotional affair that could have turned into something more. Anyways he found out and wanted me to quit, but I was the only one working at the time so I didn't quit immediatly. I ended up quiting and trying to stay with him and make things better because I genuinely love him so much. But the the anger started, and at first I was like okay I deserve this completely I really hurt him bad. It's been 3 months or so and it has progressively gotten worse. He calls me a w***e and a s**t, and things similar that I don't feel comfortable telling strangers because it's too painful. He has call me a lazy fata$$, a stupid b***h, and things like I don't love you anymore and good luck finding anyone that will deal with you. He has told me he hates coming home to me and being near me. This has all put me in a deep depression that I can't climb out of, and he's even mad at me for being depressed, saying things like you're pathetic and you suck the life out of every room you walk into, everyone hates you, and I'm embarrassed to take you in public. I think the worst part is he never says sorry just explains why he thinks it's okay to make me feel small and destroy any self confidence, self worth, or dignity I have left. I know I hurt him but I want to feel loved and wanted again so badly but he hates me. I feel like I love him too much to leave but he doesn't see or doesn't care how bad he is hurting me. It seems the more I tell him I need him or miss him he pushes me further away. I feel desperate for his affection to feel accepted, but all I get is shut down and berated when I try to talk about feelings. I know you will tell me to leave but I can't for some reason he has this sad hold on me I'm his willing prisoner. I just need him so bad, I feel so guilty and sad that I ruined our life and I'm worried we will never be happy again. I just miss him so bad I miss who he was I can't stop crying because I destroyed the only good thing I had left in my life now I'm feeling alone and broken.
Well done for speaking out about what's happening to you. Your situation sounds eerily familiar — in fact, it is the exact situation I found myself in five years ago. Firstly, know you are not to blame for how he is treating you. I'm not surprised you sought an emotional connection with someone outside of your relationship, given the way he is withholding affection and verbally and emotionally abusing you. The things he is saying to you are dreadful and you don't deserve to be spoken to that way by someone who is supposed to love you, regardless of whether you have emotionally or physically been unfaithful.
I can't tell you to leave your partner, even if I think that is what you should do. Trust me, I know how hard this is. I put up with this kind of behavior for years and waited until he left me. I had no dignity left and could barely remember who I was. I don't want that to happen to you, Sonja.
But know this: this relationship you're describing, it's not love. A loving relationship is mutually respectful and supportive. You will never get what you need from this man. Also, you're not crazy, and don't let him manipulate you into thinking you are. My previous partner convinced me I had all kinds of psychological issues when we were together, but it wasn't true. Remember the real "you" underneath — you will need her.
You can always come to this site for support. I'm a new blogger for HealthyPlace and I'm going to be writing about a lot of the struggles you've described. You can find me here.
Good luck, and big hugs. You can do this.
If I disagree, get upset about anything, or express a different opinion than my husband has... he more often than not ends up raging and yelling "f*** you you f***ing b****" and storms out. I never swear at him, and I have told him dozens of time that it hurts me so much when he calls me that. I've even said that it feels like he's sticking a knife in me when he calls me that. I basically just feel numb afterwards. This doesn't happen often, because I try to avoid any conflict by just agreeing with him, or not saying anything at all. If I get upset and express my feelings , he says things like "settle" (isn't this what people say to their dog?) ... or "you're out of control". He gets mad if I don't walk the right way, which means right next to him and I feel like he wants me to "heel" like a dog. Last night he got mad I didn't walk exactly where or how he wanted me to and said I had "crossed his line"...? What's made me so upset today is that last night my 18 yr old son disagreed with him and was expressing his opinion on how a sport is played. After a minute of discussion - there wasn't yelling involved at all.. my husband raises his voice and yells "F***" at our son! I was sitting right next to both of them! For a moment, no one said anything... my husband then just started to talk like nothing happened.. I decided it was time to stand up to him... I said "hold on! that was uncalled for. Our son is entitled to have different opinions than you and he's entitled to express them. He wasn't trying to hurt you or anyone. What you said was wrong!". He looks at me, not our son, and says angrily "Sorry". He never looked at our son an sincerely said sorry. Our son, replied calmly and sincerely. "I'm sorry too..." and then a long, long, period of silence started. I was so upset, but didn't say anything. I went to bed early and this morning I told my husband that I was disappointed and upset about how he reacted last night. His reply "He (our son) was out of line"! what? for expressing his opinion? I said "He can express his opinion, and if it's different than yours, too bad. He wasn't trying to hurt you. But you hurt him by yelling at him. That's unacceptable. He said "out of line" a few more times.... I am so angry right now this is all I can think about.
Oh my God, please leave this horribly abusive man if you have somewhere to go. I am so sorry this is happening to you. I hope you find a solution, you will never be happy walking on eggshells for the rest of your life. Praying for you.
I'm living your nightmare as well except i have been married for 16 yrs and it hasn't stopped. I have been called every derogatory name you can imagine. Sit hurts like hell and it makes you love him a little less each time. Get out if u can.
Omg. I am a man, my wife calls me an abusive husband. I complain about the filth we live in. I work long hrs. We do have children. Therefor i understand what it takes to care for small children(I was a stay at home dad for 5 years). I love my wife. I really really do. After she started calling Me abusive. I started reading articles
and reasearching abuse. As i read this list above. Im shocked. Never have i berated my wife. I dont call her names. I dont tell her shes worthless. I have no regrets marrying her. These are the things says and does to me. Im to blame for everything. Im far from perfect. Ive made mistakes.ive excepted responsibility for my mistakes. Never has she. I wish i had hidden. Cameras in the house so people could see the truth. I feel like im the one being gaslighted. Please help. My marriage depends on it. I dont want to lose her
Please see a professional- you need help and that, in turn, may help her - or at least, maybe you can then safely convince her to see what she's doing.
I've been married for 20 years, my husband had turned verbally abusive when his grandfather died 4 years ago. He just calls me some awful words when he's drunk or upset with me. Can he be removed from the house if he's business is ran from the garage?
Hell no these abusers know what they do many of them are narcissist or sociopaths who could careless the pain and suffering they inflict on others. I would say all of them not most get off on hurting others because they are sadistic. Not one of these abuser deserve understanding of why they do it or love period!!!!!
I've been with my bf for 3 yrs now.hes 33 and I'm 38, i Do love him with all my heart but first yr he moved in to my home and it was all good for a little while instill he would shrw me no emotions. And never would tell me he loved me first ever so i started looking on chatlines for someone to say the words that i wanted him to say to me. Ur beautiful, sexy , i would love to have u has my gf But i was getting it from chatlines Instead Of him well my bf find out that i was on the chatlines. And down the line i find out that he was on chatlines too .i wouldn't tell the hole truth to him about my x bf my baby's dad that i was dropping off the kids cause he would tell me that i was wrong for being so nice to him .ok i understand some of it but everyday i got told that i was cheating with his friends or family members on his side. i would tell him not true i would never cross that line im not like that at all . i don't know what to do anymore. Getting very sick and everyday i don't talk to him cause i don't want to fight with him so i stay away maybe im wrong for staying away but i hate fighting with him .we don't. Sleep in the same room any more cause he has kicked me out to many times so i just say fuck it any more not kissing his ass and put all my stuff back in the room for him to kick me out again so now i stay in the other room .what should i do i dropped all my friends cause he says they r no good i have 2 girl friends left that i still talk to i don't even see my side of my family cause they hate him and don't want nothing to do with him cause of all the past history between me and him . so all i have left is my kids that aren't his and he fights in front of them with me so i just walk away so we don't fight in front of them . i fell in love with him never had fallen in love with anyone like i did with him this is so hard to leave him been through alot with him in the pasted 3 yrs .i just don't know what to do anymore going crazy trying to fix this relationship please help me find the right thing to do
Leave him. It takes two people who want to change a relationship for it to change. He doesn't want to change himself and he doesn't want to change the relationship for the better. Look at your lifetime: how long is three years, really? Not long. Get out so you can find yourself, learn to love yourself, and make a healthy home for your children.
The father of my kids has said almost everything on that list. I dont work because I have 3 small daughters and will have to pay Alot of childcare. So he constantly tell me I'm worthless, bad mom, and a piece of you know what. I try not to let him get to me but he does. During my pregnancy he would tell me horrible things and after was worse. I believe I have fallen into depression and at one point even tried to end my life because I was starting to believe what he said was true. I try to reason with him but he hurts me emotionally and I cry. I ask him why he says those things to me he responds by telling me it's all my fault l. Is there a way I can get through to him or is it a failing cause?
If you could get through to him, you could have done it the first time you reasoned with him. Abuse is not about reason, it's about control. Get treatment for your depression and contact the NDVH at http://thehotline.org. It's time to go.
Literally around this time last year I was forced on and abused and used by a Bangladesh man. He was clever whenever something told me to hold back he'd sent romantic texts and call me and tell me how much he loved me, until he tried to have sex with me, and he couldn't penetrate me. And then it was, "why are you getting so upset? This is natural don't take it so seriously." oh, and how we broke up, I'd stupidly thought id fallen for him and I told him. He responded by using me like a cheap whore and then rejecting me.
The thing that hurts the most though is this experience happened right at a time when these men are fleeing these countries. friends, even celebrities I've admired since I was nineteen are constantly saying we need to let these men in, we have to help them, right. A western woman is basically raped and cruelly told that she's a worthless whore and she's a cunt for not wanting those men here? You call it islamaphobia i call it slut shaming and victim blaming rolled into one.
I have been in a relationship with my husband for 22 years. I recently left him. On this occasion we had disagreed about something. I told him to calm down and he told me I was fat. He belittled me in front of our children the next day because I didn't approach him to resolve the dispute yesterday. He called me ignorant and told me I acted and looked like a granny. The following day he told me not to buy him any birthday presents and to leave our house. He also called me fat, lazy and unfit again in front of the children.
Despite the fact he hasn't hit me, he says this latest incident wasn't that bad compared to all the others (which unfortunately is true). I have been criticised many times - just because he doesn't swear at me doesn't make it any better. I am told I'm lazy, spoiler, self-centred, rotten, cold, heartless, ungrateful, lack diligence, lack initiative, rude etc etc. funnily enough, no other person would characterise me this way. I actually work hard and am self motivated.
He also has many great qualities though and wants me to give him another chance. He has actually listened to my concerns, apologised for the harm caused and sought counselling for himself. He has given me space and behaved more respectably towards me.
However I am in two minds and not sure whether to take the risk. Not sure if these people really change. It's harder to leave again especially if they improve but still disrespectful. I also have support and a place to live at the moment. Alternatively I do get along with the nice side of him and don't want to not be with my children for potentially half their life!
Would appreciate advice, views from others.
If he is truly changing, he will respect your desire to separate for awhile. Tell him that you need time to heal, and the feeling of walking on eggshells (even though he is improving himself) is causing you anxiety. Remind him that he has been nice to you before, and you love that side of him, but you need greater space. If he doesn't respect your desire, then he is not changing.
Take the opportunity to move into the other place. Give yourself some breathing room. If he truly wants to change, he will do it without you in the home, too.
BTW, he tells you you're bad at the things you do best because those things we're good at typically give us pleasure, self-esteem and happiness. He lies to you about who you are to destroy those things. Happy people are very difficult to control.
As for the children, I'm guessing you've tried to protect them from the worst of his abuse. If you are not with them some of the time, they will eventually see their father for who he is. When they're old enough to choose, the 1/2 time stuff can end. I was heartbroken, devastated when the judge gave primary custody to my ex. However, over time, I began to see the benefits. For example, one day my ex dropped off my youngest son. My son came in the door, closed it, leaned against it, sighed and said, "Finally! Some peace!" That's when I knew things were going to be okay. I provided my boys something they could not get from their father - peace, encouragement, space to breathe, an opportunity to be themselves.
That's my advice. Take care of yourself during this time. If you have a chance to separate, use it.
I'm 63 my daughter is pregnant newly divorced and says I m.ugly fat no one likes Me. She's been very loose yet I help.her out of things. I feel very used. The last straw came she work up from map verbally abused
Me then she threw my things breaking them and threw water bottle at the door. I had a mom that was like this. Verbally and physically. I'm scared she's like my mom who's schizophrenic. Don't know what to do. I don't want to b around bout I worry about baby
So many of these comments sound like my current situation and have brought me to tears. For the past year I have been in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship with someone that meant so much to me and that I loved so dearly. We did not get off on the right foot though when we started dating, due to my own faults. He has always held this against me, but stayed with me despite of my betrayal. We hung out for a few months, sleeping together as well, and eventually I was ready to call if a relationship. He kept saying he wasn't ready, yet we hung out exclusively every weekend. This started to make me angry because enough time had past when people make the decision to be together for real. I told him multiple times I was beginning to feel like the feelings weren't mutual between us, and that I was beginning to fall in love with him even though I didn't feel that from him. We saw eachother a few days later, and he brought it up. He seemed to like the idea that I loved him, and he told me he "had love for me", but that he wasn't ready to go all out yet and wouldn't be "even if I was the most perfect woman in the world" because he moves slow. He even brought up the betrayal again, and pointed out that most guys would have dropped me already. This is how everything started, with him subtlety breaking me down due to all of my flaws. More time passed, and I eventually met his father, and he asked me to be his girlfriend, only to have him say a few days later during a texting argument that he didn't mean it. We pretty much broke things off due to this. I didn't see him for two weeks, though we kept texting. One night we had been texting eachother all day, and it seemed like maybe we were getting better and would make up. I had plans that night to go out with my friends. He told me to come over instead, but I told him I couldn't let my friends down. I was only out maybe two hours then went home because my friend felt ill. Just as I texted him saying I was going home, thinking he would want to make plans, he announced he was going out and I didn't hear from him the rest of the night. I remember sitting at home all alone crying, drinking, and chain smoking cigarettes (something I take up when I'm stressed and upset). I felt so betrayed. I texted him saying I knew he was probably with another girl. By the afternoon the next day he finally replied saying he was very hungover and sick. I offered to come take care of him but he declined. A few days later I tried being nice, saying I had hoped we could make things work, and he seemed to agree. Then he told me that he had gone out with another girl, and was starting to like her and was thinking of giving her a chance because it seemed like a better match. I again felt betrayed. We fought some more and a few days went by with no communication. Eventually we spoke again, and discussed the possibility of seeing eachother while seeing other people - like starting again. I was not too excited about the idea since I am a one at a time type person, but I understood everyone's different. I said I could probably do that, but I wouldn't want to see someone who's sleeping with other people. He said he couldn't promise that, yet I was not allowed to sleep with other guys. A few days later I went over to his place so we could talk, and because I had left clothes there. As soon as I walked in he was different. He said he had missed me and wanted to be together. So we tried to make it work. I later found out that the girl he had gone out with had actually came over that night, and was too drunk to drive home so he let her sleep over in his bed with him! But they didn't have sex? He said they only kissed good night. This is how everything started. Other horrible things he did was basically tell me I was not attractive. One time I asked him why he had never called me "hot"? Other people have in my life, but it felt strange tha he never did. His response was "do you actually think you're the hottest I've been with?". I don't think anyone's ever said such gut wrenching things to me. He described me as cute and pretty, but not hot. He also said that when he first saw my pictures before we met in person that he wasn't sure he'd be attracted to me. I wasn't really his type. He also said he preferred me with makeup on. I have also felt not good enough in his eyes. He doesn't like the clothes I wear, or my shoes. He complains that I don't get my nails done. He points out that I have a chubby neck and face because I don't have a strong jaw line. He shows me pics of girls he used to sleep with. He had pics of other girls in his phone still. He has all sorts of girls numbers in his phone, it's like the white pages. He even went to a strip club with his friend one night. He didn't tell me til he got home the next morning. Apparently one of the strippers hung out with him and his friend after at his friends apartment. He told me on April fools day that this stripper actually went down on him, but then played it off as an April fools joke. I got very upset by this, and he got mad at me for being upset. He also makes me do all the shopping, cleaning, laundry and dishes. He just plays video games. We never did anything I like. I finally just left him. We got in yet another fight, and he told me to just leave, something he has always said. He said he's sorry he gave me a chance. He called me a B and a C. He even called me a dirty B. I packed up all my stuff and left without saying goodbye. I blocked his number and social media. One year of my life. Sorry this was so long.
I'm in an abusive relationship with my partner he is nice one minute and horrible the next I've been in hospital recently I tried to end my life as I couldn't cope with the abuse anymore. My partner found me semi conscious he called me a bitch and told me to buck my ideas up or he'd pack my bags and kick me out of our home. He said he doesn't mean the things he says. I'm staying with family at the moment , I cant take his bullying anymore
Michelle, STAY where you are. Don't go back to him. Anyone who bullies you to the point of a suicide attempt isn't going to stop harassing you until you succeed in such an attempt. I really hope you seek therapy and call the NDVH (http://thehotline.org) when you need to talk.
I live with my partner of 3 years I'm a joint tenant of our hone. I've been suffering from emotional abuse , one minute my partner is nice kind caring loving and the next he is horrible. I was recently admitted to hospital due to self harming my partner came home he found me semi conscious. He called me a selfish bitch and told me to buck my ideas up or he'd pack my bags and kick me out. I couldn't take his abuse any longer . At the hospital he told me he hit someone's car and it was my fault. I'm ok now staying with family to be safe. My partner phoned me and said he is going to get the police to me I said why He said it's very serious , I started feeling very stressed again he was with his parents they abuse him I believe he is just just game playing again I'm very scared.
Lostself I hope u called the wedding off and NEVER get back with him! Do u know HOW MANY women wish they had clear signs like yours before they got married, had children, gave up their jobs and have been slowly 'taken in' to the point of where they are 'trapped' with no money and kids that they want to give a good life to? If u have no energy then have R&R at your parents place but WHO SAYS that u had to give him an answer by tomorrow? STOP GIVING YOUR POWER AWAY! If u have to, take out a restraining order or.....RUN! And remember, sometimes beautiful beginnings are disguised as painful endings. Let go of the guilt, even if there are things you wish you might have done, tried, I seriously don't think it would have changed your world for the better-just prolonged the pain. PLEASE see this as a GREAT OPPORTUNITY and be excited about what the future holds. As the pain subsides please count your blessings daily as this REALLY helps! Your angels really are looking out for you-I really see you as lucky and way smarter and stronger than you give yourself credit for. You could also try looking at things from another perspective: if you were/are a parent, would you be happy for your grown child to have a relationship like that? What would YOUR advice be to THEM? xx
Hiya I've been through alot as well always trying my best my boyfriend and I would do gigs started off nice but sometimes at the intervals he would take me outside and cuss me of I'm not performing good enough or I'm fat so to be perfect I use to starve myself and work out it never got better he cheated and I stayed he insulted me I stayed we have 2boys and I'm at my points end I worked long hours we had a studio by the time I came home he does nothing blame me for not pushing the studio blames me for everything and will say I'm a waste of time I'm a whore I'm a fat c*****etc I will always love him but I'm no longer in love with him going around in a circle I no longer feel I'll continue to pray for him and wish him well but I can no longer be with him
Hey everyone who reads this but I have a lot to say. I been married for 1 year with my husband and total of 2 years together. Than we have a lovely daughter of 8 months. It was all great the first year but than when I became pregnant all went down hill. I got his id renewed, pay for everything he wears, own, and eats. I worked until i was 8 months pregnant. No break and he will call me bitch everyday! He will call me prositute, whore slut, everyday of pregnancy. We also slept in the car while I work and he wait for me in the car.we fought the whole time I was pregnant. He beat me up and put me down. When it was time for labor he stayed in the hospital with me but argue with me the whole 3 days. After 2 months of having my daughter I had to go to work. The 3-8 months he argue with me and said everything is my fault! He said he no love me anymore, we wish he never marry me, he says in fat and ugly and a bitch pig every week and complains every day that he has to take care our daughter while I work!!!! He drinks everyday and he always ask me or beg me to buy beer for him because he says he stress when he don't work or pay bills, I do !!!! WHAT SHOULD I DO??i ran out of ideas and everything he says it's my fault and he leave and we push each other and than he will text me all the bad things!!! May God bless him I pray every time we fight I'm running out of patience and kindness and love for my husband when I am a Christian trying to do right
To Lost Self and Everyone: RUN RUN RUN. AND DON'T EVER LOOK BACK!! YOU ARE CODEPENDENT, LEARN WHAT THAT MEANS AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. MOST OF ABUSED VICTIMS ARE CODEPENDENT AND ATTRACT THE NARCISSISTIC, SOCIOPATHS BECAUSE OF LOW SELF ESTEEM AND LOW SELF VALUE. GOD HAS MUCH BETTER PLANS FOR YOU AND ALL OF YOU ON HERE. YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO DO, NOW GO DO IT !!!
His mother hates me to him and his mother have always treated the girlfriends like this . it's terrible how evil people can be . they all push me around and constantly make digs . I try to hold it in but after a while I explode . I bite my tongue till it bleeds in other words. Everyone on this earth wants to be loved . I feel like I never got it and never will. I'm exhausted my head pounds from being cracked so hard by him today. I don't want to eat but I just go through the motions so when he wants to eat with me I just eat it then I puke it up when he's not paying attention.
I really can't take living with my boyfriend anymore. We have a 3 yr old together. He tells me he hates me I'm a terrible caretaker and if he could throw me out of the car doing 65 and get away with it he would. Today we've been fighting verbally and physically . I have no $ I do work but everything I make goes into his account or he will be angry. I have little support. I was adopted and me and my adoptive family arnt close cuz they've always treated me like I was adopted. I also have a 10 yr old who sees and heard all this who is also depressed . I feel like a terrible mom I feel ugly worthless . I feel like I have to options kill myself or stay and deal with it. He knows how depressed I am and when I beg him to stop talking down to me cuz it makes me want to die he says shut up your not gonna do nothing you've been saying that for months but your to scared to kill yourself. I feel the worst for my 10 yr old cuz he doesn't have his dad in his life and no grandparents I'm all he really has so that's what keeps me alive.
I've been married for over 3 years now but been with my husband for almost 5 years. I left him just this past January but like most of you, I went back after he said he would change and go to counseling. Well, he did goto counseling but quite after going 4 or 5 times. He is verbally abusive but most of all he love to belittle me and make me feel stupid....he does this atleast once if not twice every single day! I walk on egg shells around him. My daughter is in college and is now engaged and my husband will flip out if my daughter comes home and brings her fiance with her and my husband is not home. He claims he doesn't want anybody in his house while he's not home and I say it's just my daughter and her fiance. He is controlling, possessive, mean, and makes me cry pretty much everyday. I have recently learned that he treated his ex wife the same way....she filed for divorce is 2010. I can't handle this, I've always been such a cool, happy, full of life person. Everyone wants to hang out with me because of my energy and being the life bod the party. I have not been able to hang out or go out with any of my friends in almost 5 years! My husband always say go out then, stop acting like I keep you home. I know what my night would be like, constant text messages containing slandering remarks, and rude name calling. The next day will be accusations of me shaking my butt I front of guys for attention and then comes the cheating. I can't deal, my daughter in college is so stressed out for me she can barely concentrate and she is going for her LPN so her classes are not easy. I feel just awful because of that. I can be making dinner and start crying, doing laundry and start crying, Watchung tv and start crying. Who does this to a person they claim they Love. He has exiled me from my friends, and tries to from.my family but I won't give in to that! What a monster. I will leave agian here in a few months (after I save a little money) and I will not come back. I refuse to live what time I have left on earth in hell....I just turned 40 and I know this is not what God has planned for me! #thisismyfightsong
Personal abuse - "you're fat and ugly" etc., is unacceptable. But getting pissed-off and telling your lazy, dead-beat wife to get a job instead of complaining that there's not enough money (even though you're in the top 5% of income earners), seems more than justified to me. Some people are disagreeable piss-takers and deserve to be pulled up on it. If that is "abuse", then do is being a parasite.
Wow. "Grumpy" seems a suitable name to use for that comment. Sounds like a divorce is in order. If she's such a "lazy dead-beat" who refuses to get a job, then you don't need that "parasite." Set her free.
Lost self....and those after her. Ive been in same situation to the T. Last night was final straw I think its over now. 5 years....constant tossing me out at night in the streets, constant blaming me...you cannot talk to him he gets furious. The slightest thing sets him off. Constant break ups and as soon as I go few days later normal as can be. It is draining me to the core. I have lost weight I do not eat. Whatever I would put on the table lets go for coffee or so is stupid. I am stupid. My clothes are old and stupid. If I cry, then be told stop being such a baby. So yeah, I cannot do this anymore, I just cannot. This from a grown man 54 years old...I discovered he did the same with his ex wife and other girlfriends as well. No, I think its over, as I for first time last night spoke up and told him he is a HORRIBLE person.
I have been living with a narcissist. Married for 18 years and last 3 have been hell. He hasn't worked for the last 3 months and has no desire to find employment. He has become involved in what i consider a pyramid scheme and says that is his work-calling people to try and get them to join. Whenever i mention getting a job, he screams at me that he has one but he is not contributing to the house. He may do a load of laundry a day but he doesn't clean or pick up after himself. I come home from working 12 hours a day and have to pick up, do dishes, feed dogs, etc while he sits on his computer. I have left 2 times and both time he promises to change and doesn't. When things don't go his way, he screams at me, calls me names, and tells me what a waste i am. I work anywhere from 60-80 hrs a week and am exhausted in every way possible. I do love him but i resent him so much right now. He gets mad if i don't want to have sex with him but anymore it 's all about what he wants and why should i reward him if he isn't doing anything for me. I am at my wits end. He sold a couple of things that made us some money and now he went out and spent most of that money on other things for himself. I wanted to pay a couple of bills...be an adult. He was on dating sites for awhile and he just last week cancelled them. But i don't trust him. He gets mad that i work so much but to maintain our lifestyle, i have to. I really want to leave but feel like such a failure walking away after 20 years. But then by not leaving i feel like i am letting myself down for not being strong.
One more thing though - the best advice I can give anyone who is trying to leave is pretend that you are a secret agent and that your abuser is literally trying to kill you even if he has never actually threatened that or physically abused you. You have to have the right mindset in order to carry through with what you need to do because believe me, it isn't easy. You have to be "underhanded", and "lie" and other behaviors that normally are not advised in a marriage or a relationship of any sort, really. But if you are in a relationship with an abuser, all bets are off. You have to accept that you must sneak and make sure he doesn't know that you are hiding money and clothes and have a get away plan. You have to act normal around him so that he doesn't get the whiff of freedom coming from you. Do not confront him with your plan under any circumstance. He may act cool or he may blow his top but remember that information is power and if you have the information about your plans and he does not, that gives you power. And honey, you need power when you are dealing with someone like these men described here. Don't let anyone tell you that you are a "control freak" because they don't even know what a control freak is until they meet a man like you have had to deal with. Be your own best friend and also remember that those kids are yours to protect because what do you think will happen if you leave but not with the kids? That's right - the kids will become the ones that get yelled at, belittled, and otherwise destroyed emotionally. Fight for yourself and for your kids but make him think everything is totally normal. As much as you would love so much to see him intimidated for once, don't tell him your plans. And for those that say he is nice 90% of the time and only 10% is he awful - what if the 90% of the time is just him acting and the 10% is his true self that you are seeing?
hello all ! I am here to let everyone know that it is possible to get away and it is possible to find love again. I am proof. I won't say living proof because who knows, by the time you read this, maybe I'll be dead because my ex will have shot me down on the front steps. I hate to say it so casually but let's face it ladies, it is always a risk. These guys that are verbally abusive turn physically abuse quicker than you realize and sometimes by the time you realize what happens, it is too late. So, am I happy now? Yes. Am I forever paranoid and have PTSD even though I have yet to find a physician who will acknowledge it? Yes. My fiance has PTSD from being a veteran and the doctors fall all over themselves to prescribe him meds to help him sleep or stay calm but me? Nope. They are willing to prescribe Ambien but guess what I just found out? Ambien increases your chances of a heart attack by 50%. In the toilet with those poison pills ! ANYway, I'm rambling because my ex has thrown me into a terror/panic attack and I'm just trying to calm down. But bottom line, there is love after abuse but I will not ever let my guard down again. Maybe it will keep me alive.
For Ann (Jan2016), I am in the same boat as you and unfortunately it's the second time around and again with young children involved. He helped save me from my ex and 4-7yrs later he's doing the same thing just not threatening with physical violence. I am so used to being called a cu*t on a daily basis it's not funny. I can't interrupt him (he plays iPad games 24/7), meals have to be cooked to his standard and his way, I can't cuddle the kids after they get in trouble but he can, I can't buy them anything or go anywhere except the local park with them, nothing of his can be touched and if the girls do it's my fault (I should say now that EVERYTHING's my fault). I'm the only worker and get paid well but how I function I don't know. It's switch on at home, switch off at work-unless he rings me to carry on about something he can't find or other irrelevant crap. I do all the housework, the kids when I'm at home (as soon as I walk through the door) and I'm trying to study. I was just made redundant and am now trying to do selection criteria's while interrupted by kids (2&4) while he sleeps. He is already on a dvo by my 17yr old daughter but breaks this every day with his verbal abuse. She was kicked out. He's always kicking me out too so he can claim centrelink as a single parent and get the money while sitting back on the iPad. I refuse to go. BUT I am covertly 'cleaning' the house and sorting stuff, boxing everything into the 'spare' room for when it's time to leave - which will be very soon. Good luck with your attempt at custody buddy - with that record and the dvo I don't like your chances...
My husband tells me I'm fat all the time. I don't work out enough, I'm lazy, unorganized, stupid, confused, I look and act like a chicken with it's head cut off, etc. He made me, without him I would be nothing, etc. Today, he went off on me for getting ready to take our daughter to mathnasium, because she asked to go on Saturday instead of Friday. She plays tennis, which was his choice, but he is upset because I have her in so many lessons and group lessons, which he thinks is a waste of time. We are doing a home remodel, I'm in charge of paperwork, going to city hall, phone calls, paying, etc. He works as a professional, so he always swears he has no time to do anything, but he has usually on average about one to two hours of "free time" during the day to call me, or ask me to go to his office to "hang out", because he loves being with me....except for when I do something wrong, then he tells me that he is starting to not love me anymore. Everytime we go out, he 90% of the time tells me how I'm unattractive, or too fat, or embarrassing and completely derails our "nice evening". He tells me I'm unorganized, because I am always busy, saying that I don't do things smartly. He says that he has to do everything for me, including plan my day... but he really doesn't even help me with the simplest things. I'm ranting, this just happened. It really ruined the weekend, my day, the kid's day... I am so afraid to leave him, because if he gives me hell like this now, how will he be when I do leave him. I have a professional degree, but haven't worked since my daughter was born, nine years ago! That too, was his decision, so our kids have mom home, they will grow up better. I don't even know what to do, but I am so tired. I am just tired of feeling miserable. And.... all the justifications he gives me, as to why he says these things, and why he is right, and I am so difficult, and I am so wrong... it just cuts me down to the core. My stomach hurts, I feel weak; I mean, it really physically hurts to be with him, and yet, here I am in our room typing this out on his computer... It's pathetic! I remember myself as strong willed, and I am.... just not with him. He knows all the words, knows how to wound... I just can't fight anymore. If it weren't for my children, I'd kill myself, because he won't even let me leave... he hates me, but then never wants me to go. I feel like if I died, it would just end it... no pain, no loss, nothing. I'm feeling sorry for myself.
Hi ihave been with my partner for 5 year the past 3 year he hass been an absalute night mare hes all ways trying to bring me down wee could have a silly argument a bout sumthing so stupid it dousent even make sence and he will start calling me name like ure just a whore ure dirt u cant do nuthing right u need me to do every thing for u ure good for nuthing if u leve me u will be a lonley old woman with nuthing or no 1 i will get married have kids be happy hes all ways throing the fact that i cant have kids in my face i feal like if i leve him he could be right iam not the strongest off persone but i do try to keep my head held up in front off uthers when realy it feals like he is killing what ever bit off happenes and energy i have left wen i tell him a bout it he says i dnt mean all that thing u just make me angery then 2 days later its the same thing i have tride leaving bk to my perents then he will fone and be like the man i fell in love with till he gets me bk then it just repeats all over agean and its all ways my fault never his he douse nuthing rong in his eyes i realy dont no wat to do no more ?
I'm hurting. He is a monster. He just flips out.. Hit me once but has been destructive Its not always bad but he really scared me tonight. I don't know what to do. Its happened a lot . but it stupid because I love him. He always says I pushed him to the point
Abusers make all of their sins YOUR fault. You cannot force him to be violent - that is HIS choice. And it is a choice - he could leave for awhile to cool down or listen to music until he's ready to talk... but he doesn't. He chooses to scare you, to be violent with you.
He's choosing to scare you so you're afraid of him AND of leaving him. http://thehotline.org - visit that site.
I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and he mentally abuses me everyday he has yelled at my mom my dad and aunt several times he tells me who I can and can't talk to he screams in my face then blames every argument on me there isn't a name he hasn't called me when I cry he yells at me and tells me to stop every time we have sex he always says it could be better why am I still with him everytime I tell him I'm going to break up with him I take it back why can't I break up with him WHY
Hello I took the courage to post my comment too after all the stories I have read which I can relate to. I am 29 and a lawyer, I am educated presentable and engaged to my verbally abusing fiancé for 1,5 months, to get married in 4 months. Signs were there all along , he was always an introvert, uptight, poker face person with no light moments. It felt wrong from the very beginning but the whole handsome successful serious and relationship material profile kept me going . I grew up in an unhealthy environment myself, witnessing my parents constant name calling and fighting from as far as I can remember . Maybe this has changed my perception of what is acceptable in a relationship.
The initial signs of verbal abuse did not take long to appear. Constant criticism, name calling , belittling , trying to make me feel worthless without him, constant accusations about my family, trying to make me feel helpless and dependent on him although I was earning as much as he did , wrongful accusations to the point I was thinking he was talking about someone else (bad with money, bad with housework, not caring about the house, not sharing common expenses which were completely untrue) . He also had a very weird relationship with his mother (he has had a hard childhood, being abandoned by his father with minimum contact and grew up as an only child by an insecure, psychotic mother who has never recovered from her divorce) with constant guilt being used by her towards him and us as a couple due to the fact that she lives alone in another town and we had to visit her every Saturday which used to cause me tremendous pressure and stress, not being able to decide for my own schedule on weekends.
Our relationship was always hard to cope with, constant efforts, fighting to the point where I was embarrassed from neighbors to see me afterwards , it was generally hard. Walking on eggshells was my life , and imagine I was a strong , self sustained and educated woman . I can’t understand why did I ever put up with this . Being with him was simply hard .
My abuser had the image of mr perfect to our close environment. Loving , caring , always helping with the housework, being relationship material. Even in private he was very loving with me when he wanted . I was even told by many female friends that they would wish for their husband to be more like mine. He would simply be another person in public . When I finally broke my silence and confided the details to friends and family they thought I was referring to someone else. Another thing that made me dispute my judgment even more .
We got engaged last year and he forbid me to discuss anything about the wedding till when he said so. Two months later he hurt me with his words saying he despised me , I made him sick etc until one day we had an argument about something stupid and he asked for the ring back and kicked me out of the house . Living with him under the same roof was a constant struggle : not only did I have to put up with his bad character , I was kicked out of the house millions of times until my insecurities took a toll on me. I left him on that day and he begged me to go back . I did go then (I was only engaged for 2 months) but was emotionally numb, full of hate and disappointment, unable to try for this relationship. Still I couldn’t go. This feeling never went away .
A few months earlier , I decided to change into a new job. The impact on my psychology was rather bad as I am terrible with change and I was slightly depressed for a few months . He decided he could not stand me , he threatened to leave me and he could not be around me because of all the stress I created . He decided to sleep on the couch for 2 months as he couldn’t be anywhere near me. Let alone the constant name calling on how unworthy I was for feeling this way , how I messed up his life and our lives by being depressed about my work and how he could not tolerate me. We finally had a huge fight for an irrelevant reason where he threw all of my belongings in the corridor and started screaming at me to get out, threw me a whole bottle of water in my face , tried to lock me in the room and was pushing me hard against the wall ( I am very petite and he is a very big guy- that didn’t stop him from laying his hands on me) . I didn’t leave but couldn’t live with myself after all this . Not only did he give me zero support when I needed him but he also made things harder for me . His ability to make a person feel better is simply non existent. A few days later he demonstrated similar behaviors when I Complained because he was very rude on me on the phone (told me to ‘kick my brain off’ because I was busy while talking to him and he lost patience) so he told me to go to the room as he couldn’t stand me and that he would make me sleep on the couch . I decided to leave him once again. I was feeling very wrong to have someone treat me this way. I came to my parents house for a few days and he begged me to go back . I did go back just to find out his only intention was to threaten me to quit my job or else he would abandon me. He even had his bags packed when I went to ‘discuss’. I absolutely denied , he implied that the root to all of our problems was my job and that he couldn’t be with me while I was there. He said he would support me but I simply said no (been working since 21 , fully self sustained and I was not willing to be financially dependent from a guy who said I was not contributing when I was paying half the rent and expenses plus a guy that kicked me out practically every month). He threatened and insisted for 5 long hours where he got me to a point where I couldn’t wait for him to leave . He did leave but that of course wasn’t the end to my problems . Constant texting , psychological pressure while I was at work and many more , got me to a point where I could not operate and I was told off by my superior for not meeting up his expectations at work. I took him back and I still don’t know why. He clearly can’t change and I clearly can’t try. Of course , we had another fight after that because of the fact that he decided he doesn’t like my parents as they turned their back against me when I was having job troubles . That isn’t true . I felt I couldn’t take any longer . Out final fight was all I could take and all to make me realize he could never change . We were having all this trouble due to his behavior (I do take responsibility for my reactions for work) and he still insisted on creating more problems when he promised he would change . He even said he was willing to try counselling (promised the same last year but didn’t go) but I really don’t thing he is a position to understand what he is doing wrong let alone fix it . I am also powerless to try . I am drained . I do have feelings but he killed most of them. I am now at my parents once again and I told him I am calling the wedding off and want us to separate. He doesn’t accept it; he says all is my fault for not trying to leave things behind me since last year. Truth is I was so angry and hurt I couldn’t. He thinks this is no excuse. I am in a dead end . I have his deadlines to cope with (have to give a final answer by tomorrow) plus the wedding stress (meaning call it off) and I cannot even trust myself anymore that I can make the right decision. I feel that I have lost faith in myself so much that I can’t even decide what’s best for me. Guilt is also an issue for not trying since last year . I do know I deserve better . I earn a very good salary, I am pretty, young educated and a good person and I really can’t figure out what is wrong with me and why can’t I just stop this sick and toxic relationship. A part of me blames myself for not trying and another part simply screams get away, it will get worse. Help!!!!!
It's been almost three months since I left the man who verbally abused me throughout the last two years of our five+ year relationship. While it's strangely 'comforting' to realize I was not/am not alone, it is of course equally heartbreaking to know that the cycle indeed will continue in other relationships.
As I read and learn more about the evil that is called (verbal) abuse which had to endure, I thrilled to finally be able to validate, even if only to myself, that perhaps it actually WASN'T in my head after all.
And that I WASN'T pretending to be confused by his words "simply because I was being a 'dumbass'".
And I learned that I WASN'T being 'too sensitive' when his evil words hurt me to my very soul. Or a crybaby.
And I also learned that NO, Jimmy you were WRONG to tell me that if I 'just did what you're told, I wouldn't have to get so pissed at you'. It STILL didn't prevent you from subjecting me to yet the many hours' long verbal assault i endured. You'd still find reason to be angry and tell yourself it was YOUR right to attack me verbally... and it would still be 'my' fault.
I learned also, the many hours I tried oh, so very hard, to logically discuss the situation with you in a cautious, calm and reasonable manner simply in order to explain my point of view WASN'T listened to by you, WASN'T cared for by you and NEVER would have made any difference to you. No matter how much I tried to tell you how your words hurt me. No matter how much I hoped with my whole heart that you might realize that there are other, better ways of resolving conflict, especially with someone you said you 'loved'.
And one day, I when I finally realized that no matter how you might have once loved me, you in fact, were NOT my prince charming, you were NOT my knight in shining armor, and you were NEVER the man you pretended to be. You were only a sad, sad pathetic man who didn't know any better then to bully people to get your way; rather than having a rational discussion and actually being able to help SOLVE problems.
You THOUGHT you were too good to ever say 'I'm sorry'. And so you never said it.
Once I finally left (and heck, even as recent as THIS week... omg really?), you'd send messages; you'd say to me how glad you were I was gone and that you never married me ONE day, but then send messages telling me that 'my whole life is falling apart without you' the very NEXT.
I learned, too that YOUR selfish refusal to compromise as well as your lack of concern for any consequence, person, friendship, relationship, etc NEVER meant so much to you that you were motivated you to simply TRY. But you had no interest.
You weren't willing to entertain the idea that you were NOT always right, that there are different ways to get a point across besides yelling and insulting, alternative ways to communicate besides shouting and being degrading; I had always looked forward to the day when you began to think about the other person's feelings in a relationship and make them a priority.
I waited so long for you to decide you finally cared enough about our relationship to want to work together and for the both of us to emotionally grow; as well learn more effective ways of communication.
You never careed enough, however. Now my life is mine and I am 1300 miles from you and free; at last I am safely from the evil, hate and rage you carry within your very heart and soul.
Ah... but I know how you think Jimmy, let's not forget that.
And knowing you like I do, it's quite possible you may even try to convince yourself (and others) that you were in the right all along and I should have simply listened to you and none of this would ever have happened; or perhaps was simply *I* who was not worth any efforts on your part with which we could have used to repair our relationship;, you perhaps even see yourself as 'blameless' and can 'justify' laying the blame completely at my feet; of course, you might also be able to halfway convince YOURSELF that you believe this to be true and thereby adjudicating and absolving your soul of any and all guilt and accountability.
It won't work for long though will it Jimmy? bBcause we both know the true facts as they happened.
Own YOUR part in this, as well as YOUR mistakes.
Work through them, learn from them and never, ever, ever repeat them.