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I Understand Anxiety. I Live With It
As an emotional human being (aren’t we all?), I’m excited to be writing the Anxiety Schmanxiety blog. Typical of me, I’m also fretful about it. Will what I write be good enough? Will it be helpful? Will readers want to leave comments and interact? What if everyone judges me harshly? Of course I’m imaging an array of negative consequences including certain demise for me and, quite possibly, for you. But don’t worry! I’ve been dealing with this for a long time so I’m used to it. It’s under control – for the most part (I mean, the anxiety is still there, but I’ve learned ways to keep it from ruling me).
tneely
You can feel yourself slipping away. Again. You don't feel anything. You don't see the dirty laundry and dishes that have piled sky high. You don't hear the kids yelling, the dog barking or your wife talking. Life is on mute.
Or quite the opposite, you find yourself in such emotional chaos that you see, hear and feel everything simultaneously. You can't think straight. You don't care about anything or anyone anymore. Except you really do which is why you decide to seek support in addressing your mental health issues. However, finding LGBT friendly mental health care can be very challenging, particularly for the uninsured. I've been there.
If you are living with unresolved trauma memory, whether or not it's posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or dissociative identity disorder (DID), you will almost surely bewilder people some of the time. We both know you want this not to happen, but, as is surely obvious to us, you have little or no choice in the matter, other than to avoid triggers to the extent that you know them and can anticipate them. The real problem here is that you can't avoid all triggers. So, you will bewilder and maybe even frighten people a certain amount of the time.
I was driving in the car this weekend thinking about how much better I am at paying attention to auditory stuff than I was even a year ago. I listen to audiobooks all the time and podcasts galore and I think it's really made a difference. As soon as I had the thought, though, I got to wondering about would I have ever noticed I had a hard time listening if I didn't have this adult ADHD diagnosis. Hm, I wonder what a difference an adult ADHD diagnosis makes ...
Whether you are a depressed woman facing what could be several years of menopausal symptoms or a spouse/partner living with said woman, there will definitely be challenges. Depression on its own is bad enough, but add the complications of menopause to it and you get a veritable soup of sorrows.
Communication is challenging for many of us from time to time. For those with a mental health diagnosis and his or her support team, good communication is imperative.
Whether you’ve had five cups of coffee or just finished a workout, many people with mental health issues struggle with sleep. Typically, there seems to be problems at both ends of the spectrum – either you can’t fall asleep or you can’t wake up. Sleep issues can come from anything, really. Changes in medications can trigger differences in sleep patterns and lifestyle changes can also be a factor.
However, if some people do not get enough sleep, negative behaviors may arise because they can’t see the world around them clearly. Some of these behaviors may result in self-harm.
PTSD triggers. For those of us with a mental health diagnosis (diagnoses), the definition of a trigger is far more than a level with a catch or means of releasing it. Triggers are a response to stimuli and a result of past trauma. PTSD triggers can include certain odors, a particular tone of voice, certain objects, places and so much more. The brain creates a physiological response: increased heart rate and respiration, sweating, a need to escape, a need for silence, sleeplessness, hyper vigilance and so much more. Responses to triggers are unique to each individual. No cookie cutter responses here!
All things are transient. This is neither good nor bad. Or, both good and bad. There are things that we love and have in our life that could end, giving us a sense of loss. However, this feeling of grief is also transient.
Things are changing for us constantly everyday. Most of it goes unnoticed and much of it is for our betterment. We handle it constantly and well. It is when a change "feels" out of our control that we feel afraid that we can't handle it and panic. No matter how nonsensical, the Anxiety convinces us we will go off some metaphoric cliff, n'er to return.
In a lot of ways, "eating disorder recovery" is a sort of vague, amorphous thing. How many times have you (or your loved one) said, "I just want to be recovered already!" Or is that just me? In one of my journals from early recovery I wrote, "I want a magic pill, a prayer, a chant -- something I can say or do and wake up the next morning and be normal."
First of all, thank you for sharing your story. You are a very caring person, and I commend you for, as Tammy Wynette sings, "Stand(ing) by your man." That aside, I wholeheartedly agree with you that those living with depression may seem selfish to someone on the outside. Still, in reality, they (me also being one of them) think our loved ones would be better off without us around because of our depression. We think we are doing our loved ones a favor by leaving. Depression causes our brains to work in different ways, causing us to think distortedly -- so no, we are not purposefully being selfish. Thank you for seeing that with your loved one and not allowing someone else to convince you otherwise.
Well, eventually, the depression demons took hold and he told me on August 5th 2023 that he decided he wanted to just move to MT and isolate himself from everyone. He had been offered a free place to stay if he did some maintenance. He is very handy and that type of situation was very ideal because it was flexible; he only worked on things on the days he was physically up to it.
We talked every night like "normal" up until he left on April 14th 2023. We had a long distance relationship then and so I didnt get to see him in person often and didnt see him that last week. He told me one last time that he loved me and he was sorry to hurt me and I have not heard from him since. He didnt even tell his parents or sister he was leaving.
I still love him as much as I ever have even though it has been over a year since we last spoke. I just had dinner with a close friend who was always very critical of him because often he would have to cancel plans last minute due to the Crohn's or because he would go dark for weeks at a time. She told me tonight that he is a selfish person and that if he truly loved me he would have gotten help for the depression. Oddly, she has been depressed before and suicidal which you would think would make her more understanding. I asked her if when she contiplated suicide was she selfish? She said yes. I said but are you a selfish person and she said no. I said that was the same for him. Sure him leaving me and his family was "selfish" but at his core, is he selfish? Absolutely not. She thinks because she was able to conquer her depression that if he really loved me, he would have fought his depression. It makes me sad to think she cant see the amazing guy that is buried under the depression. I know, without a doubt, if he did get a handle on the depression, that he would NOT be selfish at all. It is hard to understand why others cant see the true person under the depression.
I hope those that are struggling know that not everyone will abandon you in your time of suffering. There are people out there that see the real you and would do anything to help.
I encourage all those suffering from depression to not only tell your loved ones what you are going through, but also to seek professional help. And for those of you who love a person suffering from depression, have compassion and understanding for their struggle. Know they do not intentionally hurt you and deep down they still love you even if they cant show it.
Thanks for reading.
p.s. I also struggle with depression and anxiety but I did get help and between medication and coping techniques, I am able to be myself again.
From the story you told, it sounds like you know when your partner's alters switch.
I'm sorry this was written in the first/second person. But maybe apply this to your situation with a grain of salt.