Leaving An Abusive Relationship: Why Can’t I Just Leave?

Please find another church or priest to talk to! I was in a similar situation. I was married to a man who was abusive to me and my daughter. We were together for 10 years. Mt situation was similar. His family was super religious and so the men were superior to the women and i was constantly put in nt place. His family didn't believe in divorce under any circumstances so I felt trapped as well. I finally left and I've been gone for a year. It was by far the best decision I've made in my life and I wish I had done it sooner. I want to help people in these relationships now. Please find another priest and find a counselor. I'd choose a female counselor.

Just leave leave him you don't have anything to lose like I have you don,t any children with home so what's stopping you your not married to him. I am married to an abusive person whom name I'm not going mention but I'm only living with because of my family and stupid culture and I have a child with him

Hello there Chloe my name is Angela and I’ve lived how you’re living. I’m 46 And was married 12 years to an physically abusive man that went so far as to shooting my back car window while I was pregnant and in the drivers seat! Needless to say I divorced him and 3 years later married an emotional abusive man. If I had it to do over again I would’ve remained single with my children (3girls) and worked on myself before getting into another toxic relationship. I too can take care of myself and I choose sanity, safety (heart and physically) over all this need so that some of my life is spent in enjoyment and peace! I just want to express to you to seek help and choose life over dead ends and don’t waste anymore of your life on nonsense. There is someone genuine out there for all of us I believe!

Hi
I completely understand your situation as I'm in a similar one myself. It's so difficult to put an end to a relationship when you're so reliant on the other person e.otionally. it sounds like you're very intelligent and probably never thought you'd end up in a situation like this. Thank you for sharing .

Can I start off by saying how sorry that I am for what you are going through but PLEASE hear my side. I grew up like your son in a abusive family. My dad thankfullynwas never abusive to me only my mom. I am 35 yrs old now and still live with the effects of my mom's decision to "stay" to keep her family. I suffer from PTSD, anxiety, and fear. The lasting effects of growing up in a abusive home are nightmarish. If you love your child, get out, and get out now. It does not get better because the abuser is just that, an abuser. Do you want your child witnessing you being abused? Do you know the kind of fear that puts on a child? I am now in a emotionally abusive relationship where I too make excuses for my husbands behavior. I married a man a lot like my dad because to me this kind of abuse is normal and not as bad to me as what I grew up in so I excuse it. I am now finally opening my eyes and making plans to leave him. Now that my children are older they are begging me to leave as I did the same thing as a child and resented my mom for not leaving for good. You and your son deserve better. After you leave please get some counseling where you can learn how to choose healthier relationships next time. We seem to be enablers and empathizers that attract narcissistic people, even sociopaths. I pray you see your value and your son's value and get out before it's too late! Prayers for God to give you strength!!!

Hi Sandra,
Sorry to hear about what you're going through, and well done for reaching out for advice.
I have to ask, do you have anybody else you can confide in? While this website is great for support and discussion, someone in your position could really benefit from having someone onside who can offer practical help as well as emotional support. Family, friends and therapy were lifelines for me when I came out of an abusive relationship, and I don't think I could have done it on my own. Not everybody understood, and many of them were hurt that I'd pushed them away for so long, but they came through when I really needed them.
I know these kinds of relationships can be isolating, but if you can tell just one trusted friend or co-worker what you're going through, that would be a start.
You are right to say you'd be better off without him, but we all know it's not always that simple. if it were easy to just pack up and leave, domestic abuse wouldn't be so difficult to understand. It does sound to me like you're worried more about his wellbeing than your own, which is common for victims of abuse. We are made to feel like everything is our fault and we are diminished by the other persons wants and needs without even realizing it.
You are worth more than this, though, and you do need to leave him. Threatening to kill himself if you leave is emotional blackmail, but it's something we've all heard before. If you're worried he might try to take his own life, the best thing you can do is call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline, the details of which can be found on our hotlines and resources page. Aside from that, your only responsibility is to yourself. Good luck and stay strong.

Hi Luna,
Firstly, I feel it's important to point out the obvious -- that your life is in danger and you need help escaping this relationship. Although there may be reasons why one person cannot leave a certain type of abuse, when your life hangs in the balance there is no question. It sounds like the people you love are already trying to tell you this, so don't be afraid to lean on them for support, no matter how absent you've been in the past. Trust me, I know first-hand how complicated all this can be, but I also know how good life is on the other side of an abusive relationship.
Secondly, you cannot prevent him from committing suicide, no matter what you do. It sounds like he has some serious issues to resolve, but you are not the person to do that. The best thing to do if you truly care for him is to confide in a professional and let them know he is a suicide risk.
Please consult our hotlines and resources page for information on the Suicide Prevention Lifeline and the Domestic Abuse Hotline. Good luck, you can do this!

Hello Scared and Confused,
I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. Please consider getting help, as it doesn't sound like either you or your children are safe with this man. I'm glad you can see that it's time to find a way out, and there are people who can help you deal with the logistics of leaving an abusive relationship and keep you safe.
The first thing to do is call the Domestic Violence Hotline on 800-799-7233 and ask for advice. The people there are trained and willing to help you. It's a good idea to confide in a trusted friend or family member so you have someone on side. Second, keep a record of any evidence of his abuse -- text messages, emails, hospital records and photos of any injuries -- in case of any legal action.
If you consider yourself or your children in danger, please don't hesitate to phone the police.
Stay strong. There is life on the other side of this for you. Good luck, and please keep using this site as a helpful resource, it really is a great community to belong to. x

Nd here shelters are not good they don't treat women's right, they said to do so but practically they don't I have a daughter as well from where to get her all stuff I m so much worried don't know what to do.. and the country I m from they all hate a divorcee nd her kids I have a lot to suffer from, I cannot step out from this stuff though I wanted to

Pray to God to help you with this situation. Pray without ceasing for God to intervene and to get you safely out of this situation!

He also scares me for our daughter when we figg he breaks all her shit and screams and doesn't care g around I beg him to let get her away. But he won't let me, I want to leave him because I'm scared he will accidently hurt her one of these days. I need help leaving him.. Please help me... Idk what to do

Sweetheart leave one day when hes not go home or gone. Get u abd your baby out of there. Im 37 years old and I have been dealing w abuse since I could remember it started w my mother and continued down the line. Now my kids are almost all grown and i got myself into a relationship that's worse then it ever has been. Hes told me he kill me or himself to. I pray u will get out of that because by the time your my age you'll wish u did. Or one day your baby won't have a mother. Feel free to email me. Im here to talk, help and give advice. Your worth more then he is making u feel u are.. Xoxo

Dear rather not say. Reach for the word of God feed your spirit for strength. Slowly plan your escape. Never tell anyone about your plan not even family find one or two people you can truly trust who can safely help with the plan. Prepare to not be in the same state, allow money to be the reason you stay for a short time but most important prepare for losses but look forward to safety and piece of mind. Try not to involve your parents with the escape for their safety. Look to leave the state and be quiet. If you have too tell him you are going to jail because you got caught stealing and that your children were taken because of your crime. Look for the best way to keep everyone safe. But plan, plan to leave. If he wants to kill himself he needs help and needs to be on suicide watch but you cannot call for his help because he is dangerous.

It will never change unless you get help for yourself and your child.

Pray to God to give you the strength to get out. If you live in the states their are battered womens shelters 1800799safe. Get Out Now!

Hello Anon,
Firstly, well done for reaching out with this post. It can be difficult to admit to being in a relationship like this, so you've conquered the first step to getting help. It's also difficult to define abuse from a partner, particularly as this sort of behavior tends to creep into a relationship over time. As you've said, it's not always as easy as broaching the subject with a significant other, and it sounds like your husband is struggling with his physical health and reliance on medication. His paranoia could be drug-induced, or it could be that his situation has left him feeling so out of control that he needs to feel like he has some control over something in his life: this something being you.
I suppose the question to ask is, do YOU feel he isolates you from others? Or has this occurred over time because of his dependence on you? One thing I know for sure is that severing your connections with others will only exasperate your feelings of being trapped by this situation, so its important to reach out when you can.
The first thing I would recommend is to contact a counsellor or therapist who is specially trained to deal with drug abuse and marriage problems. I think seeing someone on your own so you have the space and time to explore your own feelings would be sensible. Is there a trusted co-worker you can confide in about what's happening at home, or your mum perhaps? By confiding in others, you'll become less isolated and you will have somewhere to turn should his behavior worsen.
Lastly, if his behavior becomes nasty or abusive, or if he is violent towards you, please contact a domestic violence helpline for support.
Good luck!
Emma x

It's been 4.5 years 3 babies for me. And I'm ready to GOOOOOO! But I've gained comfort in my lifestyle. This makes me extremely sad and insecure. I just want to leave already! But every time I try he says he's not going anywhere. Or assures that I don't walk out. And just like now I end up in a place of peace. And because I don't want to disturb it I say nothing and stay ? I even try suggesting to him to get another woman. Idc I just need to be MYSELF one day again

i hope your alive! not for him.. for you xx

Hello I'm Tired,
Thank you for your comment on this post. I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. I understand better than most how living with an abuser can make you feel suicidal (you can read my story here), but let me tell you: if you can find a way to come out the other side of your experience and rediscover your independence, you will be glad you didn't act on these feelings. Please consider talking to someone about what you're going through. There are counselors and therapists who are specially trained to help victims of domestic abuse. Alternatively, you could contact one of the helplines on our Help and Resources page, particularly if you feel acutely suicidal. These are people who can help you when you don't know where else to turn.
Know that you are not alone in how you feel, and keep speaking out about your struggles and using this site for support. By connecting with others and uniting against abuse, you can lessen your abuser's control over you. Also, it's never too late to leave. It's never too late to break free from the shackles of abuse. I wish you all the best.
Emma x

You touched me. We share a lot in common. I met my partner at 17 he was 26 but lied about his age. He also never told me that he was married until I was 19 and 5 months pregnant. His family never mentioned it either. Now I'm 24. I feel like dying everyday. Trying to push my way through college as a Biology major , hoping to that I live long enough to graduate with my MD. I have no friends and none of my family will help me. They are tired of me not doing anything and they also are consumed with their own life. I want to kill myself so bad! I don't live for my daughter anymore. It is a struggle living. I'm so scared to go to help. It's a sin to commit suicide. If Jesus could take me and forgive me I would have been killed my self. That's what hurts the most. I feel trapped. I feel empty. I feel so mad at god...i feel so hopeless. I'm just a sitting duck. I no longer spend my time talking to god. It makes me sad, because I need someone tangible. My heart feels soaked in tears. If I kill myself there is no coming back from hell.i look for comfort in my abuser. He manipulates me by making me feel stupid and dramatic. He breaks my soul. He physical hurts me but the emotional abuse and mental is unbearable. I cry everyday. Why god! Why me! I was a good girl..i still am. I take care of our daughter by myself while he works and has his time to himself. My mom provides financially everything. I feel bad because I know she feels bad for me. I'm embarrassed. I have to fight and beg for his attention. Even when he calls me names or makes me feel worthless..its still attention. I left home to look for my dad at 17. He left me at 4 years old. That's when I found my partner. It was his eyes and raven black hair that reminded me of my dad. Suddenly he was good enough. I didn't need my dad. I want to be a mentor to young women and girls. I will finish school and travel the world as a medical doctor. God will help me. I really hope so. Because I am floating in thin air.

I just left my abusive cheating partner. Quietly planned my escape a little at a time. Continued to play stupid during the planning and one day when he left I left right after him. I left three days ago. Praise God.

I feel like your talking to me but I'm still not getting it?, I have been married 18 years I have four children age 15 and under. I got married when I was 18 years old and when we first got married something iffy happened which made me think that's odd why would he say that to me on our honeymoon he called me a whore. As it went on every fight got brushed under the table he would bring flowers and say sorry. I have been abused mentally,physically,financially,spiritually and financial. It took me to this point to wear he put me down so much that i was put in a dark deep isolated place where I thought everything would be better if I just died and I wanted to die. The next day I called the helpline this wasn't me this isn't what I do I am strong. I now see a therapist and I go to group meetings so I can figure things out. This is where I realized it was all abuse but I couldn't see it. Everyday I change my mind at least 30 times. I say I'm strong and then I say well maybe he will change this time, maybe I can't make it on my own financially. I hate the thinking I hate me changing my mind I'm such a fool. I need to leave and do better for me and my kids. My husband has ruined my credit .i hope the next I write I will be one of those women who got out.?

34 years here and locked in my grandsons bedroom watching him destory my clothes, jewelry and both flower and vegetable gardens. I am recently disabled recovering now from my second back surgery. Scoliosis caught up with me around 46. He has stolen my youth. He has only gotten worse as the years go by. I do not think he is capable . Mother's please do not allow your children to grow up thinking this abuse is normal. They will grow up to be abusers themselves.

Hey! You are 51, he probably has made you feel old but you are actually in your prime!! It's far from too late for you! Think of the next 20-30yrs you have ahead of you, go for it xxx

Hi Josephine, My situation was very similar to yours. When I decided I was leaving it was like he sensed it and became the charming husband that I dreamed of having. I was torn I loved him and wanted that charming man. But I was reminded by others that it would not last.
Well, I left and initially we exchanged text messages and I let him know I cared much for him and he said likewise to me the lovely messages when on for three days and than he stopped writing. It's the weekend so I guess he's out fishing. It hurts to know that his so called love lasted two days after I left he could really care less and he's showing it.

Josephine, Just stick with it. From all the advice that I have gathered it is best to go NO CONTACT. Men like that are manipulators, users abusers and actors. Don t let him fool you. He is a WOLF in sheeps clothing. The only reason he is being sweet is so that he can get you back and it will be a whole lot worse.

My husband' resorts to his honeymoon stage everytime. But after 34 years of marriage I can see right through his facade, he is not that good of an actor.

Its never to late to RUN... Get away from that horrible man. Give yourself a chance to have some peace for however long that is. Hes not worth it. Hes not your friend, hes an enemy.

Men like that use brainwashing techniques to get you hooked and addicted to them without your even knowing it. The only way to get rid of them is to walk away and don't look back. He will destroy you without you even being aware of it at first until the damage is done and you are so hooked in that it is hard to get away and stay away. Join a Church, get counseling, go to a shelter whatever you have to do to get free. Trust me he will DESTROY you. Love yourself enough to cut him lose.

Don't tell him what you are doing. Just quietly plan your escape. Then when he is gone one day have movers meet you at the house and hurrry RUN. He is destroying you and your daughter. It is very unhealthy. You will look back one day and wonder why you stayed so long.