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Communication in abusive relationships is like communicating with someone who cannot see or hear you and knows no word that describes the idea of someone who isn't me. When your abuser talks at you, they are talking to themselves.
Communication in abusive relationships is an all or nothing fight to the finish. Whether you're discussing the shade of towels for the guest bathroom or what elderly care facility Aunt Polly needs, the abuser expects you to say what s/he would say. Nothing more, nothing less, and definitely nothing different.
The only one who will ever attempt real communication in abusive relationships is you.
The diagnosis of mental illness is akin to being hit by a bulldozer. But you survive and work to carry on--to recover. It can be hard, while in the midst of things, to forget the people who have stood by our side. The people who we might have hurt when we were sick.
My Experience
I enjoy reading posts that mention the authors personal experience--it makes it real. It makes the person real. So, let me summarize twenty-six years:
Diagnosed at 12, I have been blessed with a family who never left my side, despite mental health professionals telling them to put me 'in a home.' I am their child and they could not fathom doing this. As I grew up and addiction engulfed my life, they pulled away out of necessity, quite literally waiting for me to die. I have two siblings and they needed my parents just as much as I did.
They could have given up. Many parent's do...but they waited. Waited for me to hit bottom, and bottom I did, before reclaiming my life. When I was sick, I did not understand the sacrifices they made. I did not recognize the effect my illness had on their lives, my siblings--the family dynamic. I felt angry. Alone. Unloved. Like the black sheep.
As I became better, I realized that I owe much of my life, the fact my heart is beating as I write these words, to them. I am able to express my feelings to them now, but not without guilt.
Working Through the Guilt and Embracing Those Who Love You
I began writing neither for money nor fame, but simply because I thought I had a message to send to the world. I believed that many of the horrible events that had transpired in my life, were not without purpose. That my experiences with schizophrenia and homelessness were not in vain, but brought about with reason. This is what brings me here to you now, as a writer and advocate, who knows what it is like to be neither here nor there, both materially and mentally. What follows is the path I took to send this message. Here are the publications I have written and my inspiration behind them.
Well, it looks as if SAMHSA has redefined the term: Recovery.
ScienceDaily (Jan. 5, 2012) — A new working definition of recovery from mental disorders and substance use disorders is being announced by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA).
The new working definition of Recovery from Mental Disorders and Substance Use Disorders is as follows: A process of change through which individuals improve their health and wellness, live a self-directed life, and strive to reach their full potential.
So, what do you think?
Ben has been "in recovery" since late in 2003, after his medication regime was stabilized and deemed effective. We cross our fingers each and every day that the psychiatric medications continue to work, and that he continues to take them despite his feeling that he doesn't need to.
And so it goes.
I am at an impasse, with my writing and with my feelings. Of course, these issues are related.
Last month, I began writing here about mending my relationship with my ex-boyfriend Bob, and we've been getting along very well in the meantime. We've reached a point of sharing that is different than at any time in our past: I've been able to share my feelings - past and present - with Bob and he has admitted a level of honesty I never expected from him. I was very happy, until I sought to write a long piece about our relationship for my personal blog and I couldn't come up with a way to tackle the topic. That's when I knew that I had some negative reactions mixed in with my warm fuzzies.
As I continue writing Bob's 504 Plan (previously blogged here and here), I am amazed at how much of it seems to be common sense. Does a child really need "frequent restroom breaks" put into writing in order to use the restroom? (Being a substitute teacher, I've learned most kids won't go to the restroom every 20 minutes unless they're bored, need a break, or have a real physical need.)
Sadly, it seems much "common sense" in education (indeed, all matters concerning children) has become anything but . Case in point: the accommodation in Bob's plan that created such a buzz--his notebook.
For days I have been tormented by blinding headaches, merciless nausea, recurrent waves of despair, and an overwhelming premonition of impending doom. At last I have discovered the source of my torment.
The 2012 presidential campaign has officially begun.
I am writing today from the New Hampshire hamlet I inhabit having just come back from voting in the nation’s first primary election. Returning home after exercising the franchise so many take for granted I had what people like me refer to as “an aha moment” – which is to say, I stumbled across an original thought.
This is it – mentally ill people are uniquely qualified to redeem the unsightly quagmire we refer to as American politics.
Like an errant child avoiding homework, I've been putting off something important for almost a week: writing Bob's 504 Plan.
Wait--isn't someone affiliated with the school district supposed to do that?
One would think.
I've been studying mental illness for a long time and while I knew the answer to this question, I couldn't really have told you why. This is mostly because I haven't done a lot of work on personality disorders, but I have had occasion to learn more about them recently.
No, bipolar disorder is not a personality disorder, and here's why.
Have you ever watched television, absentmindedly, and are shaken awake by the statement: "One in four people will suffer from a mental illness at some point in their lives." Great. My first instinct? Well, I feel less alone.
The Mathematics of Mental Illness
Thank you for your comment. I'm sorry you're in that situation. I know how hard it is for parents to watch a child with mental illness struggle. Know this: you are not alone. Many parents are in this untenable situation.
Your options are very limited for the reasons you have listed. Your son is an adult and get to make his own decisions -- even when those decisions are heavily influenced by an illness. And while some might disagree, the US tends to fall on the side of personal rights, regardless of illness.
If your son is a risk to himself or others, you can see about getting him treated without his consent. (In some States, this is also possible when a person is at a grave threat of decompensation [getting sicker].) I know this is a hard thing to do, but sometimes the only thing that will help someone is the treatment they refuse.
I recommend you check out the Treatment Advocacy Center. They have a hotline and a lot of information online about serious mental illness and treatment of those illnesses: https://www.treatmentadvocacycenter.org/
I also wrote this piece about the situation when help is refused (not associated with HealthyPlace) and it lists some additional resources: https://natashatracy.com/bipolar-blog/person-mental-illness-accept-illness/?swcfpc=1
Finally, I recommend you reach out to other parents in the same situation. You may be able to find these people through groups like NAMI (just Google them). Knowing others facing the same issues can help.
I hope your son is able to get help.
-- Natasha Tracy