Blogs
Today my doctor said to me, "You know, you deserve to be happy. You deserve to recover."
I sometimes question if I do deserve to recover. I'm not proud of some of the things I have done in life. I have not always been the kindest person. I have sometimes ignored people who needed me. I have put my husband and loved ones through years of anguish and fear as I slipped further and further into anorexia nervosa and failed at recovery many times.
I have made them cry as they thought that I could possibly die from my eating disorder. I blocked myself off from their fears and pleas, and continued to pursue thinness ruthlessly for years like a person possessed.
All of these things make me question my worth and if I deserve to recovery. But there's something more. My doctor, a wonderfully perceptive man even when I sometimes sit silently and dive back into the safety of my thoughts, said I have this space within my brain that allows the eating disorder to tell me that I do not deserve to be happy, healthy, and free.
This is so true, and I sometimes want to scream at the voices to stop and leave me alone.
Last night, Bob returned home after spending a week with his biological father. It's always an adjustment, but last night's return seemed to go more smoothly than homecomings past.
I like my job. I get to write for a living which is something many writers don't get to do. And moreover, I get to write about things that matter to me. Also a great luxury for many writers. These are pleasures as are the vast majority of people I get to meet.
I do have the great displeasure, though, of seeing vehement hatred for those with a mental illness. People who hate show up here, on my blog and elsewhere. People with a hatred for bipolar disorder seem to seek places to express their hatred.
But hatred of the mentally ill is simply another prejudice. Hatred of people with bipolar is the same as racism and just as unacceptable.
"Hold onto the hope and keep moving forward."
Those are the closing words I remember from the last speaker this morning at the NAMI National Convention's education session. All of us in the standing-room-only ballroom were there to honor the various education and support programs that NAMI offers. Consumers, providers, family members and NAMI staffers were invited to offer their stories, and tell how programs like Family-to-Family, NAMI Basics (for families with younger children), In Our Own Voice, Peer-to-Peer and more affected our journeys.
Wow. How we all need education. How we all need each other.
Celebrations and holidays in sobriety weren't times I looked forward to in early sobriety. But this Fourth of July, the breeze was light, the sun was warm and the company was full of laughter, conversations, and joy. To be able to celebrate a holiday sober filled me with gratitude. A holiday in sobriety in which I felt really good was something to celebrate.
Verbal abuse is used to diminish the victim's power. It is used to paralyze the mind and maim the heart, leaving the victim to feel so small and worthless that they become dependent on only the abuser. Only the abuser's opinion matters because s/he holds the key to the victim's happiness and pain. Pleasing the abuser (avoiding pain) is priority number one.
But abuse doesn't happen in a vacuum. The victim must feel as if they're doing more than avoiding pain to stay in and make sense of the abusive relationship. The victim must feel a higher purpose is at work to rationalize his or her participation in a relationship that causes them fear and sadness.
Last night, on the Mental Health and Social Media Chat (#mhsm) on Twitter, the topic was job searching and workplace disclosure for those with a mental health condition. While Isabella Mori moderated the chat and came up with all of the discussion questions, it was actually a topic that I had chosen. Depression disclosure at work is particularly relevant to me right now and it is at the forefront of my mind.
As Bob grows older and gradually delves into the strange world of friends and playmates, I often find myself surprised at how much younger he often seems than his compadres. It's true I have "sheltered" him to a point--limiting his tv/movie/video game choices to the PG and G-rated varieties, closely supervising him at play and sometimes vetoing his choice of friends. However, it seems his "immaturity" is more a matter of nature than nurture.
Sometimes PTSD is pretty cut and dry. There are obvious causes like combat, a plane wreck or car crash. Experiences like rape or witnessing death can also be causes that are well-known. What happens when you have the symptoms but cannot recall an event that may have triggered it? Our guest, Dan Hays, tells us on this episode of the HealthyPlace Mental Health TV Show.
A mental illness, especially during the adjustment period after first receiving a diagnosis, can be filled with a lot of strife and heartache. The challenges are only compounded by the fact that many find themselves more isolated and alone than ever before in their life. Our guest this week, Stephanie, has found herself in just that place, alone like never before.
Well, eventually, the depression demons took hold and he told me on August 5th 2023 that he decided he wanted to just move to MT and isolate himself from everyone. He had been offered a free place to stay if he did some maintenance. He is very handy and that type of situation was very ideal because it was flexible; he only worked on things on the days he was physically up to it.
We talked every night like "normal" up until he left on April 14th 2023. We had a long distance relationship then and so I didnt get to see him in person often and didnt see him that last week. He told me one last time that he loved me and he was sorry to hurt me and I have not heard from him since. He didnt even tell his parents or sister he was leaving.
I still love him as much as I ever have even though it has been over a year since we last spoke. I just had dinner with a close friend who was always very critical of him because often he would have to cancel plans last minute due to the Crohn's or because he would go dark for weeks at a time. She told me tonight that he is a selfish person and that if he truly loved me he would have gotten help for the depression. Oddly, she has been depressed before and suicidal which you would think would make her more understanding. I asked her if when she contiplated suicide was she selfish? She said yes. I said but are you a selfish person and she said no. I said that was the same for him. Sure him leaving me and his family was "selfish" but at his core, is he selfish? Absolutely not. She thinks because she was able to conquer her depression that if he really loved me, he would have fought his depression. It makes me sad to think she cant see the amazing guy that is buried under the depression. I know, without a doubt, if he did get a handle on the depression, that he would NOT be selfish at all. It is hard to understand why others cant see the true person under the depression.
I hope those that are struggling know that not everyone will abandon you in your time of suffering. There are people out there that see the real you and would do anything to help.
I encourage all those suffering from depression to not only tell your loved ones what you are going through, but also to seek professional help. And for those of you who love a person suffering from depression, have compassion and understanding for their struggle. Know they do not intentionally hurt you and deep down they still love you even if they cant show it.
Thanks for reading.
p.s. I also struggle with depression and anxiety but I did get help and between medication and coping techniques, I am able to be myself again.
From the story you told, it sounds like you know when your partner's alters switch.
I'm sorry this was written in the first/second person. But maybe apply this to your situation with a grain of salt.