Everyone has habits -- both healthy and unhealthy habits. Healthy habits might be drinking enough water throughout the day. Unhealthy might be drinking excessively every night. Lately, I am finding that some of my past behaviors and thought patterns have contributed to some of my unhealthy habits today. To learn more about my discoveries and experiences with habits, continue reading this blog post.

Unhealthy Habits Around Comfort Food and Gambling

As a child, I loved fast food and chocolate. At first, it was not an issue because I was slim and fairly active. But as the years passed, I couldn't get my hands on enough cookies and candy.

In middle school, I started to gain quite a bit of weight. It got a little worse in high school. But I thought that since I was young, I could change my eating habits at any time.

Eventually, it worked. I gave up fast food and started packing healthy lunches for school. I worked out for an hour every night. Toward the end of my senior year, I felt really good about my body. So, throughout the rest of high school and college, I kept going to the gym and restricting my calories. But these habits did not last.

In my mid-20s, I started to get chronic back pain. I became severely depressed and lost my interest in exercising. Since then, I have found my weight slowly increasing. Last year, in addition to eating fast food and chocolate, I started playing slots when I was stressed out. I thought that it would help me feel better when I needed a win. But after losing my money, that was not the case.

My Unhealthy Habits Are Triggered by Shame

When it comes to impulsive, unhealthy habits, there is a thought pattern I recognize. Here it is.

• I made some money today. I'm going to reward myself with a Big Mac meal.
• Now I should probably exercise. But the bar is right around the corner. It is time to play slots.
• I just lost 20 dollars. Maybe if I just spend 10 more dollars, I will win it all back and then some.
• I just lost all my money. I'm more disappointed than I was before. Maybe a sundae will help me feel better.

But before I knew it, my unhealthy habits had a tight grip on my mind, body, and self-esteem. Every time I looked at myself in the mirror or checked my bank account balance, I hated myself. To feel better, I turned to my unhealthy habits all over again.

Before I started writing this blog post, I had lost a lot of my hard-earned money on slots. Tonight, it hit me: Every time I give in to an unhealthy habit, I lose something that I could have been gaining by creating a healthier one. I am wasting the time, money, and energy that I need to thrive in the long run. So, now that I have written all this down, this is the first step to change.

If you are struggling with an unhealthy habit or an addiction, please know that you are not alone. You are human, and you are allowed to make mistakes. Everyone is a work in progress. It can be easy to fall sometimes. But if you can fall, you can also rise and become stronger than before. The most important thing is to keep looking forward and be intentional about making healthy changes.

In the pursuit of nurturing self-esteem, my journey spans nearly two decades of mindfulness meditation practice and affirmations. The profound influence of mindfulness meditation practice has allowed me to comprehend the potency residing within my own mind, transforming it from a tumultuous sea of thoughts into a serene sanctuary that nurtures my self-esteem. Affirmations have a power all their own.

The Transformative Power of Mindfulness to Nurture Self-Esteem

Mindfulness, a discipline requiring persistent effort, has taught me the art of quieting the mind and reclaiming a peaceful state, free from the intrusion of unwanted thoughts. This commitment to being present in the moment, coupled with non-judgmental observation, serves as a powerful tool in countering the persistent waves of negativity often associated with low self-esteem and mental health conditions. 

The journey to quieting the mind is no magical remedy; instead, it is a skill cultivated through consistent practice. Through the lens of mindfulness meditation, I have harnessed the ability to steer my thoughts away from negativity, redirecting my focus toward tranquility. The rewards of this effort extend far beyond the meditation cushion, permeating various facets of my life and nurturing the foundation of self-esteem. 

Positive Affirmations: A Guiding Light to Nurture Self-Esteem

Another facet of nurturing self-esteem involves the deliberate practice of positive affirmations. These simple yet potent statements act as beacons of positivity, dispelling the shadows of self-doubt and fostering the growth of self-worth within. 

Understanding the malleability of our thoughts, positive affirmations play a crucial role in reshaping the narrative of our inner dialogue. Customized to individual needs, these affirmations serve as a continual reminder of our strengths, resilience, and intrinsic value. They act as a shield against the arrows of negativity, fortifying the armor of self-esteem. 

In the age of technology, accessing positive affirmations has become effortlessly convenient. Social media platforms offer an abundance of affirmations that can be seamlessly integrated into daily routines. Whether through written messages or audio affirmations, these tools provide a constant source of encouragement, reinforcing the belief in one's own self-worth. 

By regularly engaging with positive affirmations, we consciously nurture our self-esteem, infusing our subjectivities with thoughts that uplift, inspire, and affirm our inherent value. This proactive approach to self-esteem is an ongoing journey, yet the rewards are immeasurable: a resilient mind, a compassionate heart, and a bolstered sense of self-esteem. 

I encourage my audience to consider how they can incorporate mindfulness and positive affirmations into their daily routine to nurture self-esteem. I assure you it is worth it. 

As I recovered from my mental illness, I still had an overwhelming, heavy feeling that I was behind in life. I spent so much time asking myself what I had done wrong when I really should have asked myself, "Why do I feel this way?" Comparing myself to others was a dangerous, harmful game, and at the end of the day, I was the only one keeping score in being behind in life.

Recovery and Reflecting on Being Behind in Life

My birthday is coming up soon; in fact, one week from today, and for some reason, that anniversary always puts me in a funk. The passing of time has always been a scary concept for me, and every birthday, I end up asking myself, "Why am I not further along?"

I like social media. I believe there are genuine, good things that come from it. But there are also undeniable negatives to its usage as well. As I scroll, I see people my age, or even younger, smiling in front of a "sold" sign, propping up a baby on their hip, accepting a work award, or cutting a wedding cake. Long after I put down my phone, I ask myself, "Where are your accomplishments? Why are you behind in life?"

Why Do I Feel So Behind in Life Compared to Everyone Else?

Sometimes, my big accomplishment of the day is getting out of bed or walking around the block. I've never run a marathon. I don't have my own family, and my professional title doesn't start with "senior." 

My life has had some bumps. When I was at the height of a long depressive episode and had undiagnosed attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, I would let things slip. A great example is with mail. I would get a bill, and it would sit in a pile of mail for months. Eventually, several of my school loans went months overdue. It was terrible for my credit, but I couldn't get myself to care enough to fix it. 

It's hard to plan for the future when you can't picture a future. When existing feels hopeless, it feels useless to open a bill, let alone create goals. I was surviving day-to-day, and at that point, it was the best I could do.

The Dangers of Thinking You're Behind in Life

Comparing myself to others never had a positive outcome -- it always made me feel behind in life. It made me feel weak, untalented, and undisciplined, and I am none of those things. But how am I supposed to feel when being fed the highlight reels of everyone else's lives?

I finished eight books this year, but it doesn't matter because my friend finished 12. I tried a new workout class. Cool, but my coworker ran a race. I found an apartment I like. That's great, but an old classmate just bought a house.

It felt like nothing I did was good enough. But good enough to who, to everyone else? I've recognized that I didn't even want some of the things my peers were doing. I've slowly wrapped my head around the fact that the only person I need to be "good enough" for is me.

Everyone struggles, but those with mental illness have it even harder. At some points in my life, working, keeping up relationships, going to the gym, and even getting up were hard. I did my best. And the most important part is that it was my best, and not anyone else's. At the end of the day, that's all that matters.

As someone who has struggled with gambling addiction for a long time, I understand firsthand the challenges of preventing the relapse of gambling addiction. One moment, you feel like you are finally gaining back control, and the next, there is this overwhelming urge to gamble. In this article, I'll be sharing my experience with preventing a gambling addiction relapse, as well as proactive strategies to sustain long-term recovery.

Understanding Gambling Addiction Relapses

Relapse is the return to addictive behavior (in this case, gambling) after a period of abstinence. In my experience, there are three stages of relapse: emotional, mental, and physical.

1. Emotional relapse -- This begins with subtle shifts in emotions and behaviors, such as increased stress, irritability, or isolation. 
2. Mental relapse -- This involves thoughts of returning to gambling, rationalizing past behavior, or romanticizing the "good times" associated with gambling. You start feeling like you are missing out and life in recovery is boring.
3. Physical relapse -- This marks the actual return to gambling behavior.

Causes and Signs of Gambling Relapse

Slipping back into gambling can be triggered by a multitude of factors. In my experience, the main ones are stress, financial difficulties, and relationship problems. For me, it was financial problems. I had pumped all my cash into a project, and unfortunately, it didn't work out. I felt like I was a failure, and to escape, I returned to gambling. I wanted something to distract me, and gambling worked just fine.

Identifying the various triggers and ways you can manage them is crucial in preventing gambling addiction relapse. You must also recognize warning signs that might include mood swings, being increasingly secretive about your finances, neglecting personal responsibilities, and lying to loved ones.

How to Prevent Gambling Addiction Relapse

Here are some things you can do to prevent gambling addiction relapses:

• Identify your triggers -- Know the possible things that can push you to gamble and avoid situations that might tempt you.
• Develop better coping mechanisms -- Learn healthy coping mechanisms to manage stress, anxiety, and gambling cravings. These can be meditation, yoga, journaling, etc. 
• Limit access to money -- If you find having cash at your disposal challenging, you can give a trusted family member control of your finances. 
• Remove access to gambling apps and websites -- Unlike some years ago, there are now so many gambling websites and apps, and you can bet at the click of a button. This makes it more challenging, especially since a phone is not something you can do without in today's age. I recommend self-exclusion. 
• Reach out for support -- Talk to trusted friends, family, and other recovering gambling addicts about your feelings and struggles.

Relapse is not a sign of failure but a part of the process. Understanding the triggers and signs of gambling relapses can help you take proactive steps that will keep you on track in your gambling addiction recovery journey. Check out this video below for more:

Believe it or not, a mundane trip to the grocery store helped me learn to enjoy food again. The year was 2019. I had recently moved across the United States from Florida to Arizona. And in my new zip code, there was a Trader Joe's on almost every corner. I am aware that makes me come across as a basic Millennial stereotype (which I own, for the record), but living near Trader Joe's has proven to be a crucial milestone in my eating disorder recovery. Here's how this grocery store helped me learn to enjoy food again—and to eat what I love without shame. 

How I Learned to Enjoy Food Again with Help from a Grocery Store

Before I dive into this topic, I want to acknowledge it is a socioeconomic privilege to have access to food within close proximity. The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) estimates that around 44 million Americans experience food insecurity, either due to their location or income bracket.¹ This can exacerbate the prevalence of eating disorders in some communities and present systemic barriers to healing.² I would be remiss to overlook this disparity. As such, I have immense gratitude for the opportunity to rediscover enjoyment in food.

The first time I walked into my local Trader Joe's, I felt an immediate gravitational pull toward the snack aisle. As someone who dealt with anorexia for 15 years, I wasn't much of a snacker between meals—but I was intrigued by the sheer volume and eclectic variety of snacks along those shelves. From chili lime cashews and tempura seaweed to almond butter pretzels and Jerk-seasoned plantains, my mouth began to water in anticipation of those unique flavor combinations. As I stared at all the options available, a new thought occurred to me: 

"Is food more than just a source of utility and function? Could it be pleasurable, too? Can I nourish myself, while also savoring the experience?"

With this question in mind, I bought a few snacks. That small but intentional choice inside a grocery store built the foundation on which I would learn to enjoy food again. 

I Learned to Enjoy Food Again—and Combat Shame in the Process

It has been four years since this introduction to Trader Joe's, but my love for food only continues to grow. When I crave an afternoon or evening snack, I no longer repress that desire. I listen to it; then I respond—even when my eating disorder wants me to do the opposite.

Cultivating this mindset was an incremental process, and it still feels counterintuitive sometimes. But in the moments when guilt creeps back in, I remember that paradigm shift in the snack aisle of Trader Joe's. I recall the freedom of realizing I could enjoy food with no shame attached. Then, I make the deliberate choice to reach for a handful of chili lime cashews or almond butter pretzels. I tune out the eating disorder voice in my brain. I lean into the pleasurable flavors on my tongue. And I smile at the simple realization that a grocery store helped me learn to enjoy food again.

Sources

1. USDA ERS - Key Statistics & Graphics. https://www.ers.usda.gov/topics/food-nutrition-assistance/food-security-in-the-u-s/key-statistics-graphics/#insecure
2. Hazzard, V., et al (2020). Food Insecurity and Eating Disorders: A Review of Emerging Evidence. Current Psychiatry Reports, 22(12). https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7596309

For some people, an all-or-nothing mentality can be one of the possible results of verbal abuse. However, it isn't just verbally abusive actions that can cause this. Anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem are also commonly linked to an all-or-nothing mentality. 

I've experienced many negative emotions during my verbal abuse journey. Regular exposure to intense screaming, insults, and threats contributed to a contrasting view of relationships. The extreme emotional swings within the cycle of abuse reinforced a black-and-white dynamic that was a common occurrence. 

An All-or-Nothing Mentality In Verbally Abusive Relationships

As I navigated my feelings, my coping mechanisms evolved into extreme thinking. There was never a stable middle ground in my life for many years. If I wasn't doing things right in the eyes of my abuser, I was completely wrong. 

Each mistake I made was magnified and focused on, making me feel worse about myself. So, I lived each day trying to be perfect and avoid any confrontation. The verbal abuse reinforced several absolutes that aligned with this black-and-white mentality, such as: 

• I will never be enough.
• I am always screwing things up.
• I can't do anything right.
• I'm not smart enough to achieve (a goal).
• No one likes me.
• I'll never be happy.

Changing the All-Or-Nothing Perspective 

Through therapy, I've grown to understand that these negative thoughts are not entirely true. I am not perfect, and sometimes, these statements may apply to some degree. Occasionally, someone won't like me, or I make a bad decision, but that doesn't mean I can't learn from these situations. I can grow and change, moving away from this all-or-nothing mentality. I understand that although I'm not 100 percent perfect, I'm not 100 percent a failure either. 

When it comes to my relationships now, I recognize that when my partner is mad at me, it won't result in verbal abuse. Yes, we disagree, but there aren't the insults, name-calling, or threats that were once a part of my life. 

I have the trust I need now to know that even if I make the wrong decision, my partner and I can talk through it. I don't live each day thinking I'm not good enough anymore. And that grace I receive goes both ways. I am more open to communicating with others when I'm upset with their actions. Slowly, I'm building the relationships I need and deserve.

After years of analyzing my past and present relationships, I'm not sure if verbal abuse caused my all-or-nothing mentality. However, I know it's an unhealthy way to live my life. Every day is unique; sometimes, it's a struggle, and other days, I'm feeling great. I remember to take it one day at a time and try not to beat myself up when I'm not 100 percent perfect because I know that I'm not 100 percent a failure either. 

Forced gratitude happens thanks to the fact that gratitude is trendy -- it's been in for a couple of years now. And whenever something becomes popular, many of us jump on the bandwagon. Of course, it may be that practicing gratitude benefits your mental health. But what if your gratitude isn't genuine but forced? Can it then backfire and harm your mental health? Let's take a look. 

What Is Forced Gratitude? 

To know what forced gratitude is, we need to take a look at what gratitude is. According to PositivePsychology,

"Gratitude is an emotion similar to appreciation. Gratitude is both a state and a trait. Better explained, one can experience gratitude for someone or something at a certain moment in time, and someone can experience gratitude more long-term as a positive character trait."¹

When one expresses gratitude that is not genuine or sincere, I call it forced gratitude. 

Why Does Forced Gratitude Harm Your Mental Health?

I feel, as a practice, gratitude is good for your mental health only when it's genuine. For example, if you make a list of things to be grateful for at the end of a good day, you might feel grateful after the exercise. But if you force yourself to make a gratitude list on a day when nothing went right, you might end up feeling like a fraud. Because at the end of a bad day, it can be difficult to hold back tears, let alone find things to be grateful for.  

That is what happened to me.

A while back, I sincerely tried gratitude journaling on the recommendation of my therapist, and it backfired terribly. I felt forced gratitude was invalidating my problems by overlooking them and thinking that "others have it worse." The truth of the matter was that I had some serious issues going on in my life, and I was in a dark place mentally. Life was not in my favor back then, and forcing myself to be grateful for things like having a roof over my head only made me bitter and resentful. 

What Can Improve Your Mental Health Instead of Forced Gratitude?

If practicing gratitude every day doesn't improve your mental health, what does? Check out the video below, where I talk about more organic ways to boost your mental health.

How has an attitude of gratitude impacted your mental health? Let me know your thoughts in the comments section below. 

Source

1. Millacci, T. S., PhD. (2023, October 3). What is Gratitude and Why Is It So Important? PositivePsychology.com. https://positivepsychology.com/gratitude-appreciation/

Code-switching in borderline personality disorder (BPD) is something I've been trying to understand lately. I know so far that it's a survival strategy I've clung to in a reality where the threat of rejection casts its shadow over everything. Let's look a little bit deeper at code-switching.

For me, code-switching is like shape-shifting through language, behavior, and demeanor to fit into different social landscapes. It's a skill we all possess to some extent, driven by our innate desire to belong. But for those of us grappling with BPD, code-switching in BPD takes on a whole new level of significance.

Code-Switching in BPD as a Default Mechanism

Sometimes code-switching in BPD feels like my default setting. It's not just about blending in; it's about avoiding the dreaded sense of abandonment that lurks in the shadows of every interaction. The fear of being cast aside, deemed unworthy, is like relentless noise in the background. As a result, I not only instinctively mirror the people around me, but I tend to alter my personality traits to fit social expectations.

The emotional rollercoaster of code-switching in BPD is a constant battle between outward poise and inner turmoil. I tend to suppress my intense emotions to conform to social norms, only to experience a surge of emotions later when I'm alone or in a safe environment. 

Unstable Sense of Self and Code-Switching in BPD

My brand of BPD is characterized by an unstable sense of self. Code-switching in BPD allows me to adapt to different social roles and environments, providing a sense of identity coherence and validation. Concerning my fear of abandonment, code-switching in BPD gives me a superpower. I'm able to establish rapport and foster connections, even if it means sacrificing authenticity.

However, in analyzing code-switching in BPD, I'm realizing it is not sustainable. It's exhausting constantly contorting myself to fit into molds that were never meant for me. I realize letting go of this tendency will not happen overnight, but I'm willing to peel back the layers bit by bit. My goal this year is to reclaim some semblance of authenticity. 

Dive into my latest video, where I touch on self-discovery and the fleeting moments when it's safe to let your authentic self shine through. In this video, I'll be sharing how I've learned to show up as my authentic self despite having BPD.

I am an introvert who is coping with depression. Being introverted is a personality trait where I thrive on independence and recharge mentally when alone. I can also become emotionally drained when I'm in social settings, including at work. So, how am I, as an introvert, supposed to reach out for help and not become entirely isolated when I'm experiencing an episode of depression? Even though it has been difficult, within the last year, I have come up with some ways of coping with my depression that do not emotionally drain me but allow me not to become isolated.

Tips for an Introvert Coping with Depression

Here are three tips for coping with depression when you're an introvert:

1. Go outside. I know it sounds silly, but it does work. For me, when I am going through a bout of depression, my apartment becomes my shield from the outside world. So, other than having to take my pup out for bathroom purposes (he's not a walking kind of dog), I would never go out the front door of my sanctuary when I am depressed. This then leads to isolation and not being motivated to cope with how I am feeling. Thus, I tell myself I must go outside for 10 minutes, whether walking to the mailbox or driving with the window down. I show myself that there is still life outside my apartment.  
2. Text a loved one. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder (MDD) in 2010. Unfortunately, it took until just last year to realize and admit to myself that I'm not alone in living with MDD -- I do have a couple of people in my life who genuinely care and who I can reach out to when I am feeling unwell, even if it is just a text. The text doesn't have to say that I'm feeling down -- it is meant to open that human interaction without putting on a mask or depleting what little energy I have left. It could even start a conversation that may help begin my recovery. Admittedly, I don't particularly appreciate explaining why I feel the way I do. Because, frankly, I usually don't know. Thus, sending a simple text shields me from having to do just that.
3. Schedule a monthly friend night. It is always helpful to be proactive in mental health wellness. I have a list of things I consider my wellness toolbox in my journal. It lists items and solo activities that make me happy when life happens. My toolbox aside, a good friend and I plan a monthly girls' weekend. She holds me accountable and only allows me to cancel if I'm physically sick -- which rarely happens. So, because she knows about my depression, she doesn't let me stay at home and become more depressed. Even if it is just going out to dinner or ordering dinner and watching a movie, she is with me one weekend a month to check in and ensure I am active and doing something I enjoy when I am well. 

Being Introverted and Coping with Depression

Being introverted can be a struggle in itself. I can be misunderstood by society and friends who are extroverts. The feeling of being misunderstood and out of place, plus other risk factors, can lead to a depressive episode. In return, being introverted can also make it challenging to begin recovery because, many times, I prefer to be alone and with minimal stimulation.

I can mask my depression due to my introverted personality. Therefore, I need to take it upon myself to have the coping skills to start my recovery. Using the three tips listed above is simple but effective. Plus, it doesn't wear me out further or cause my depression to become worse.

I would love to hear from fellow introverts about my tips or if anyone else has coping skills for their depression.

Twenty years after being sexually assaulted, my childhood trauma made me sick. At the age of 24, I learned — the hard way — that if you ignore your emotions for too long, they will find other ways to get your attention, and even childhood trauma can make you sick.

For two decades, I spent my life repressing and downplaying my trauma, attending therapy that only worsened my symptoms, listening to everyone but myself, and eventually becoming physically ill from the stress.

After several doctor's appointments in just one week, I finally found myself in my new therapist's office with a diagnosis I'd never expected: posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

"But I'm physically ill," I'd argued, pointing to the rashes that covered my face and neck and ranting about the days I'd spent bedridden with a high fever.

I'd become a shell of who I used to be. I thought I had cancer, autoimmune diseases, hormonal issues, you name it. I'd thought I might be dying. And part of me was dying. Little did I know, a new part of me was about to be born. 

My therapist proposed the idea that my childhood trauma was making me sick. She came up with a plan to help me heal from the inside out. What happened next felt miraculous.

How Childhood Trauma Made Me Sick

Through my healing journey, I learned that the stress I held in my body — if not released — could lead to a host of health issues. In other words, childhood trauma can actually make some people sick.

Adults who have experienced adverse childhood traumas are more likely to develop problems like heart disease and diabetes.¹ Additionally, chronic stress can increase your cortisol levels for prolonged periods, affecting your blood pressure, causing inflammation, and even weakening your immune system.²

After I accepted my diagnosis and began trauma treatment, my therapist revealed that I had been stuck in fight-or-flight. I was living my life in survival mode. My body was pumping too much cortisol, my heart was constantly racing, my digestive system wasn't operating properly, and I was too exhausted to make it through a single day of work.

Releasing Trauma and Healing Your Body

Through various therapies, including talk therapy, I've been able to process and release the childhood trauma that was making me so sick. Fears that were once debilitating are now minor nuisances; belief systems that once defined me are now outdated notions I don't align with. My skin has cleared, my aches and pains have dissipated, my body temperature has lowered to normal, and my energy is restored.

While trauma might live within us for some time, we can escape its prison. By releasing painful memories and their associated symptoms, from shame and anger to grief and anxiety, we can turn our minds into safe, loving homes that don't feel so haunted.

Learn more about how my childhood trauma made me sick by watching the video below.

Sources

1. InBrief: The Impact of Early Adversity on Children’s Development. (2020b, October 29). Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/inbrief-the-impact-of-early-adversity-on-childrens-development/

2. Professional, C. C. M. (n.d.). Cortisol. Cleveland Clinic. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/articles/22187-cortisol