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I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD) in my 20s after a pill overdose and a pseudopsychotic episode. After receiving outpatient care for a year, I was told that I no longer met the criteria for BPD. In the years since, I've been living my life with the understanding that I have depression, anxiety, and complex posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This changed in 2022. (Note: This post contains a trigger warning.)
When I was in college, I was so busy with school and socializing that I never had a moment or a reason to be bored. I was never even bored during my classes. But as a working adult, life is much more mundane. Outside of work, there are times when even my hobbies seem boring. In this post, I talk about my experience with boredom, how it affected my mental health, and the ways I overcame it.
My schizoaffective suicidal thoughts used to really scare me. I was frightened to the point that I went to the emergency room three times because of them and was even hospitalized once. I was afraid I was actually going to hurt myself. But slowly, over the years, I realized that, as scary as the thoughts were, I wasn’t going to die by suicide. The evidence is that I have had these thoughts for decades. And instead of hurting myself, I took care of myself and have built up coping skills for dealing with my schizoaffective suicidal thoughts. (Note: This post contains a trigger warning.)
When experienced in tandem, self-sabotage and self-harm can create a unique psychological trap that is difficult—but not impossible—to escape.
The truth is out. I'm a mental health blogger who is not entirely comfortable talking about my mental health journey. Yes, I divulge details of one of the most painful and personal experiences in my life on the Internet that anyone can see with the click of a mouse or a tap of a finger, but every time I hit "publish," I get a little rush of fear. I fear that my colleagues will read my articles and think I'm a less competent worker. I fear that the guy I'm interested in will read about my experiences before I feel it's time to sit down and tell him directly. The funny thing about my fear is that it's not manufactured solely by myself; it's a byproduct of societal influence.
The topic of suicide is one that many people shy away from but shouldn't. The overwhelming feelings of despair and hopelessness should receive the attention they need to garner help and guidance rather than shame or humiliation. September is National Suicide Awareness Month, with World Suicide Prevention Day falling on September 10. The more information we can put out there may help people like me who face suicidal ideation. (Note: This post contains a trigger warning.)
During a recent session with my therapist, I felt compelled to ask for her professional take on my relationship with exercise. I told her that I prioritize running over just about every other line item in my routine. I told her that I feel immense amounts of shame if I cannot squeeze in an hour-long workout on a daily basis. I told her that I consistently run in the 105-degree Arizona heat, no matter how miserable the experience is. I told her that I rarely feel like the choice to stop running is even an option. I told her that I am afraid that without exercise, I will lose control of my entire life. She listened to me rattle off all this information, then replied matter-of-factly: "You have an exercise addiction. How is it working for you?"
Throughout my life, I've had an internal dialog of thoughts that offers commentary on my daily life. Recently I've noticed that some of those thoughts can be negative. The negative thoughts occur when I feel that I've done something wrong. These thoughts could come after driving too aggressively, snapping at a friend, or being lazy. Today, I'd like to talk about how those negative thoughts can be damaging and how to accept negative thoughts with grace and build self-esteem at the same time.
I can't stop crying. It's because of personal loss and depression; I know this. But it seems that all the knowledge in the world doesn't help. It seems like I just manage to right the ship, and then I find myself in a pool of brackish water again. Not everyone with depression reacts this way, but I cry far more than my fair share. No matter what I do, I just can't stop crying.
I don't often plan these blog posts ahead of time. Normally, I just sit down a couple of hours before posting, open Docs, and have a think about what aspect of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) I'm going to write about that day.

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Comments

Elizabeth Caudy
Hi Marsha-- Thank you for your comment. I'm glad this article and the other comments have helped you understand your brother. Best, Elizabeth
anon
hi S! im 20 years old, my dad passed when i was younger so i grew up with just my mom and my brother (who i had to parent) and you are the same age as him which is why i felt inclined to reply. i have been struggling with self harm and other issues since as long as i can remember. i think that unfortunately you, much like me, have some sort of addiction gene that kind of makes this whole thing more intense. truthfully i can only say that this is a very difficult thing to go through and that you are not alone. corny but true! i personally find it easier to interact with people online through like discord servers and such because well its good to have people to talk to! i also think that journaling and writing out how u feel (even if it doesnt make much sense) can also help and if youre worried about someone finding it and using it as blackmail its also (in my opinion) nice to watch the paper burn after writing everything out (SAFELY BURN IT) i dont know who you are but nobody deserves to suffer in silence and i really hope and wish that one day you will feel relief and be clean of any sort of self harming. i send love to you angel !
-n
Janet Cato
I thankful to have found this site as I too have been described as an enabler to my unstable adult child /ren and also tried tough love. It is my eldest son concerning me he still lives with me and I don't mind that but he cannot seem to deal with failure of any kind in life or any normal problem without becoming mental or lately threatening suicide. He is 31 and I find it ridiculous. I tell him if when raising him and his 2 brothers I did the same none of us would be here and how does expect to survive as I know he enjoys life otherwise. Yet he claims he can't do anything. He is handsome and smart and I see no reason for him not t po be successful he just has no self esteem. I just don't understand.
Marsha
This post has encouraged me so much. I am in Australia. I typed in ‘Why don't people with schizophrenia like you to clean their home’ to see if I could get some understanding on where my brother is at. There are so many questions I have. I’ve come from interstate to walk through and support my brother through a difficult season. I know he wants me here to help support him but he doesn’t want me to stay at his home so I try to find friends here that I can stay with. (This is another thing I don’t fully understand)
I had noticed that his home doesn’t look like he’s cleaned for a long time but I think he also gets anxious if I try to clean so I’m trying to understand more as he sometimes finds it hard to communicate what’s happening in his mind.
I try to encourage him to think of one or two things he’s grateful for each day - sometimes it’s the same things. and I too share a couple of things I’m grateful for.
Reading everyone’s thoughts here helps me one step further in understanding as I support him in his journey step by step.
I wish I could get him to come interstate to be with myself or other family members where there would be a lot more support but he really wants to stay in this town.
Thank you Elizabeth for posting and everyone else for your comments.
shay
i really want to die im going to be completely honest, first off ive had tics for 5 years now, and recently i keep getting reported to the police. they came to my house today and i tried to keep myself up while talking to them and i dont worry about situations like this but this one did mess with me, my best friend reported me to my principal, i got reported to the police twice, and i got a warning but next time its a full arrest, no one even listened to me, i told the principal about some people that were racist to me and they didnt do anything but over the most littlest issue ever they got the police on me but not the guy that was making fun of my tics, my religion and shaming me for it. but from two words i said they did so much. i dont think my principal knows about my mental state. soemtimes im gonna shout words and most of the time slurs or the work kill yourself. it may seem funny how im writing about this right now but its the fact i get mad at everyone and shout and hit people, i cant really control what i do and i have no hope for my life at all right now. im afraid that i cant get prescribed medication for tics and i dont want to because it includes weight gain. yes i want rid of my tics but i dont wanna look worse than i am right now. i genuinely cant take this anymore and its too much for me but at the same time i dont want to die. i dont want to feel pain but i dont know how to overdose. i thought i could trust my friend but i cant. in 2019 i wanted to commit suicide but i just couldnt. i did self harm but i was too scared to do more. but if i realise were living on a floating rock and were probably just creatures, then what is the point of living. i dont think anyone would miss me especially not my friends because i can imagine them literally shedding a tear then just going on about with their life, i really cant get over my uncle and my grandmas death, they were my most favourite relatives but theyre dead now and i cant do anything about it. i just dont want to leave anyone behind. i had plans for when i was older to get probably one of my most favourite cars but i had a feeling that day i could never see because who knows, i could literally be dead and probably my online friends would think i quit or im just offline. i dont honestly think anyone would care about my death because im going to be honest, i dont think anyone wants to listen to me just chat on about my health. Ive been getting progressively worse and worse over the years. I feel that people nowadays are just full of themselves.