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Fat. Stupid. Ugly. Weak. Not good enough. Self-hatred is a core feeling in many people suffering from eating disorders. Including me. I've been having an internal war with myself today. I'm too fat. I shouldn't eat. You don't deserve to eat. Don't be so weak... My head hurt. My stomach hurt. Even my brain hurt. Eventually I give in, starving. Then... You're a fat, disgusting pig.
When people realize they have a mental illness like bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, one of the first feelings they have is fear. And there’s a lot to be afraid of. There are the treatment, doctors, symptoms, side effects and then there’s the illness itself. It’s completely reasonable to feel scared in that situation. And in that moment, or possibly in a moment shortly thereafter, the fear of abandonment becomes a reality. A very reasonable and realistic fear is that people will abandon you because of the mental illness.
  I'm easily irritated right now. I'm easily irritated by the noise, the dog drool, and the pissy cat. Yes, I have a mental illness or two, but I'm not irritated because I'm mentally ill. But I am irritated, okay? And again, not because I live with a mental illness!
I have Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), trauma disorders that are both: 1) responses to overwhelming stress, and 2) sources of continuing high stress. Cortisol is an adrenal hormone our bodies create to help us cope with extreme stress, physical and emotional. I began researching the signs and symptoms of cortisol imbalance when it occurred to me that living with DID and PTSD (or any chronically, very-high-stress condition or situation) would logically mean living with elevated levels of cortisol. And whaddyaknow? The top five symptoms are also the top five most frustrating, debilitating, and chronic issues in my life.
If you’re anything like me, and I hope for your sake and the sake of your children that you are not, you’ve wrestled with your mental illness secure in the certainty that society cared about you only to the extent that it fervently wished you would excuse yourself from the room and be scarce in the way voles are scarce; that is to say, demonstrate your respect for “nice” people by remaining invisible to them. Frankly, there is something soothing about looking at the ladder which leads up and up to society’s golden promises only to realize that the first few rungs of yours have been sawed in half and you won’t even have a chance to fall off, much less climb. Soothing because, in life, it is comforting to know where one stands, or, as is the case here, doesn’t stand. If you aren’t shocked and surprised by every disrespectful snub and injustice, you cannot be disappointed and consequently, will harbor no resentment. (To put it differently, it is the illusion of a just world that causes heartache, not the sting of an unjust one.)
When deciding on ending a relationship, the first question we ask ourselves is: How do I know when enough is enough? Someone very special and beautiful asked me that question this week. In our culture, we are faced with all kinds of messages about relationships: see the good in people, relationships take work, rise above, and don't have too many expectations. Then, don't put up with anyone's disrespect, take care of yourself, set limits, leave abuse. These messages convolute all our decisions on how to set boundaries in relationships or know when it is right for us to leave them. We don't know who to blame, us or them.  Add to it worry and fear about being alone, or being abandoned, or about other people judging you, and it becomes a maze to wade through.
What is the authentic you? When people say you're not being real, they're telling you that you're inauthentic. Let me give you an example to clarify the concept of the "authentic you."
What's it like inside the depressed mind, you ask? Sometimes, with depression, we just want to pull the covers up over our heads and wish away the pain. Sometimes we want help but don't know what help to ask for. Sometimes, we don't even know what we need. Sometimes, asking for help is the hardest thing to do.
I had to cope with nightmares last night, nightmares related to a traumatic event I went through. That's one of the downsides of borderline personality disorder--the nightmares can leave you shaken up for the entire day. But there's good news: there are ways to cope with nightmares and night terrors and not let them get to you. Three such ways are thought stopping, rewriting the nightmare, and understanding what the dream means.
There are many factors that contribute to maintaining abstinence from drugs and alcohol.  If you have been in addiction treatment or around 12-Step meetings, then undoubtedly you have heard many of these already.  But they bear repeating. In fact, you can't hear them enough.

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Hilary
Hi,

So sorry to hear this Christine.

You are welcome to email me. Anytime.
I am sorry you are struggling in such a hard situation. It's not an easy thing to go through when you love someone and they are your adult or young child. as well. I
Its v hard to talk about too.
I hope you and yr daughter are setting some boundaries that suit your situation (safety wise ) soon ...you would or are doing the right thing to set boundaries. together in writing, maybe even legally would be good.

Enforced living arrangements by a real estate agent or court is sometimes best in the end if all else fails, even though its v hard- or a group home while you think on what to do might be good -easier said than done...
All the best to you, yr daughter and yr family
Hilary
I understand and I am so sorry for your and your son's pain. I get it totally but not many do ... if you need to chat do write back to me . Keep going in the meantime by taking one day at a time and looking after you too x
William
thank you for making the effort to write about this with such honesty and insight . You may be ill but you sound more genuine and likeable than most of the superficial actors we meet everyday . I too have a similar ongoing battle involving much suffering despite perhaps appearing to others as "normal ". I am 60 in 2 weeks and poor mental health ..particularly depression and anxiety took away my ability to lead a normal life no matter how hard I tried . I became an alcoholic for perhaps 30 yrs ..trying to self medicate the feelings away . That almost killed me 7 years ago ..the last time I had a drink . I have no means of escape now but for several decades have believed buddhism offers great healing for us folk . Compassion , wisdom , peace and of course ..living life in the present moment , moment by moment ,..... ...all the things I have yearned for all my life . Good luck and much love from Devon in the UK .
Danielle
I just got into it with a stranger who was driving and didn't slow down like he was supposed to even though I was a pedestrian already in the crosswalk. He was turning into the plaza as I was using the crosswalk and we both hesitated but the default rule is to wait for pedestrians. But after all, he continued rolling passed me as I was half way thru the cross walk when he said out his window "pay attention ..blah blah". thats all I heard because before I knew it, I was shouting back at this car "no you pay attention, you're supposed to slow down for pedestrians" he was still driving but he stopped and put his car in reverse and started to "follow" me to argue. I was just going to my own car not too far into the parking lot. He stops and looks at me while I'm arguing back and they starts to insult my appearance. I was just running errands so I was in some flare yoga pants and a hoodie. My hair was poofy because I had just gotten it freshly colored that morning and it had been blow dried. I wasn't wearing makeup, so apparently he thought I looked like I was "on drugs" he asked me several times if I was high and I said what are you talking about and then he started laughing and calling me a tweaker or junkie. I was so insulted. I'm a woman, he was a man and just because I didn't dress for his gaze (the male gaze) while running errands, he concluded I looked so bad that I was on drugs? I'm so embarrassed and annoyed that this happened. All because he didn't want to slow down for a pedestrian in the cross walk? I can't help but feel like this is some kind of karma from the universe because I do admit that sometimes I am not the most patient or nice person out in public, but I never throw personal insults at people. If I am complaining or verbalizing my displeasure, it is directed at the situation itself rather than personal insults at the participating parties. For example, all I rebuttled back to him was that he needed to be the one to pay attention and later I told him he was very rude for saying I looked like a tweaker. He even pulled out his phone like he was going to start recording the altercation but I drove off hopefully not giving him enough time to make a decent video. I could have insulted him back, but he went straight for personal attacks and it hurt my feelings. I should not have to be insulted just for running errands while not being all done up.
Mags
Curious where this has ended up? As i am in this situation right now