Blogs
Last week I waded into Charlie Sheen territory. It was, perhaps, a touch more eel-infested than I had anticipated but life is surprising like that. Yes, I said Sheen is going through a manic episode as part of a mental illness. (And no, I still haven’t become a doctor.) Let’s say for the moment, I’m right.
Since I made my case for compassion for Sheen and mental illness, over scorn and ridicule, people have made the case back that it’s the media’s fault Sheen’s behavior is this out of control.
I don’t think so.
Decreasing dissociation in dissociative identity disorder (DID) relies on actively increasing awareness of the world around us. Dissociation is the process by which we separate ourselves from our experiences, memories, bodies, and very selves. When we're dissociating, we're disengaged from some or all of our own reality.
It's not inherently a bad thing; I truly believe dissociation serves a valuable purpose, and not just in traumatic circumstances. But there's no doubt that the chronic, severe dissociation intrinsic to dissociative identity disorder is problematic, disruptive, even at times actively destructive. By increasing awareness, by being more fully present in our bodies and minds, we can mitigate the damaging effects of dissociation.
Walking away from verbal abuse temporarily helps ease the trauma of the abuse. Unfortunately, the abuser doesn't like it when you do not stand there and listen to the abusive rant, so walking away can seem like the absolutely worst option at the time of attack, yet walking away from verbal abuse is probably the best option, every time.
Uncontrolled anger often results in others--police, psychiatrists, nurses--controlling it for you. I remind myself "You are not in control of what life throws at you. But you are in control of your attitude."
The stress of an anxiety disorder can twist the fabric of life; I can't see it the same way as I did before my "nervous condition" set in. This isn't stage-fright, or make believe. It's not masterpiece theatre. I did not get PTSD from watching too many Twilight Zone episodes.
But I am living my life just in case
Early last week, while picking up Bob from school, I was stopped by one of the after-school program teachers.
"Summer enrollment is this week," she warned me. "Make sure you fill out the form before Friday afternoon."
Thus began a several-day period of stressing, obsessing and plea-bargaining.
While not everyone with Dissociative Identity Disorder also has a diagnosable depressive disorder, I’d wager at least 50% live regularly with some type of depression. As for me, I have Major Depression and Dysthymia. The former is a real pain; the latter is far more manageable. I’ve never taken either one very seriously and I think the magnetic relationship between dissociation and depression is the primary reason why.
While not everyone with dissociative identity disorder also has a depressive disorder, I’d wager at least 50% live regularly with some type of depression. As for me, I have major depression and dysthymia. The former is a real pain; the latter is far more manageable. I’ve never taken either one very seriously and I think the magnetic relationship between dissociation and depression is the primary reason why.
I know this seems like an odd question, but I was considering it this morning (in my shower). It is a common problem for people with a mental illness. I have a tendency to avoid showering (really) and I know of others with a mental illness have gone weeks without showering.
So, if all we’re talking about is standing in some warm water, why don’t we want to shower?
In an abusive relationship, it is important for abuse victims to realize the warning signs of impending abuse. We need to know that the relationship is a battleground ready to erupt in controlled violence at any second. You, the targeted victim, can learn to predict when abuse is about to happen if you pay attention to tell-tale signs within yourself and broadcast by your abuser. I can tell you what happened within me before abuse erupted, and my hope is that you will be able to use the examples in my list to recognize and write down your warning signs of impending abuse too.
When living with severe depression, it is so difficult to see any positivity about ourselves or the world we live in. I have been in very similar shoes as you. However, nothing will change until we initiate a change, even if it means taking our cognitative distortions and untwisting them. Healing/recovery takes a lot of time and practice - it is a lifelong journey. Unfortunately, there's no magic wand out there to make everything better about ourselves and the world (if only...).
One thing that keeps me going is taking life ONE DAY AT A TIME. I wear a bracelet with those exact words to remind me when I start down a dark road. One day at a time... because that is all I can expect of myself, and it's all that others can expect of me. I know it sounds cliche, but you genuinely are not alone or alone in how you feel.
Also, check out the resources and assistance at https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/suicide/suicide-suicidal-thoughts-and-behaviors-toc
We continued talking and I learned a lot more. His husband had cheated on him and he was heartbroken. They live in the same condo in separate bedrooms and were basically married on paper only. Since I was already developing feelings for him, I allowed our relationship to continue. We’ve since spent a lot of time together on dates, he met my family at Christmas, etc.
In January, we chatted and I said, “Ok, what’s the plan?” and he freaked out. While he says he loves me, and does not love his husband, he’s stuck and doesn’t know how to move forward. His therapist says he needs to go to the doctor for new meds and hasn’t. And now it’s been three months of basic texting good morning and good night, and we don’t see each other and don’t talk on the phone.
Do I just move on at this point? Every time I try to talk about us and our relationship, he just shuts down or doesn’t respond.
Help! Thanks.