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I wrote the series, Diary of a Newly Diagnosed Dissociative, because I know I'm not the only one who has wrestled in turmoil over their Dissociative Identity Disorder diagnosis. I want those who are struggling to know that, within the context of DID, their experiences aren't as unusual as they probably feel. But knowing you're not alone, while helpful, won't ease the struggle too much if there's no end in sight. I can tell you, though, that making peace with this diagnosis is an attainable goal. I did it. These three things are what made it possible.
I was inspired today by Seth Godin’s blog article Lady Gaga and Me. In it, he makes the point that writers needn’t worry about all the people who don’t like them because really, they should only worry about all those who do. I understand this as I’m a writer, and there are people who don’t like my writing; which is OK, because there are many who do.
The same goes for bipolar treatments. Some people are just never going to agree with your chosen bipolar treatment plan no matter what you do.
There are some issues surrounding children with mental illness, their parents, blame and anger, I want to explore. While I'm collecting my thoughts, however, I ask you to consider this, originally posted on my personal blog in July, 2007.
Kindergarten starts August 20, 2007. Bob is registered. He's had his tour of the school. He can't wait. Me? I'm freaking out.
I went on my first diet in 2000. I lost a lot of weight but grew disturbingly obsessed with food and dropping even more weight. I stopped going out, I lost friends, I refused to eat out at restaurants and my weight plummeted to a new low where I lost my period and had to be hospitalized.
Every year when the last leaf falls of the tree and the gusting wind blows her chilly breath, dread develops in my heart. It means that winter is just around the corner. Oh sure, winter has its charms: freshly fallen snow, hot chocolate, and the anticipation or anxiety of the holidays. But what about the daily winter burdens like trying to start your freezing car, the shorter daylight hours, and the strong desire to act like a bear and hibernate? Most winter headaches can be remedied with a positive attitude and a few helpful winter survival tips.
...you don't notice it's there, until you're falling.
That's the experience of mental illness - in a nutshell: You're either flying, or falling. It's hard to stay in one place, difficult to nail down exactly what's wrong because it's such a core thing. So much the experience of the world, rather than the experience of one symptom or other.
My illness may be invisible, but that doesn't mean I have to be. Let me repeat that. Give you time to catch up:
Your illness may be invisible, but you don't have to be.
Why is a group of happy gnomes just as unhealthy as the gnomes who sing "We're happy when we're sad"?
(cont. from part 1 of story)
My son’s bipolar disorder and ADHD treatment has been a constant source of conflict between his father and I. Non-compliance with Bob’s prescribed medication regimen has been an ongoing problem for years, and has once again become a problem following a frightening drug reaction. Despite the devastating effects bipolar medication non-compliance could have on Bob’s physical and emotional health, there are sadly few resources I can go to for help.
Epileptics often get what is known as an aura before they have a seizure. An aura is a sensation like hearing voices or seeing colored lights or experiencing numbness. An aura might be present a few seconds or a few minutes before the seizure depending on the person. It’s an early warning sign of a brain misfire. Similarly, I experience signs, an aura if you will, of upcoming hypomanias.
It seems many people think of Dissociative Identity Disorder as the pinnacle of crazy. But if I've ever truly lost my mind I did so when I was trying desperately to escape DID. It was when the confusion, fear, loneliness, and shame I felt in the aftermath of my Dissociative Identity Disorder diagnosis periodically reached critical mass that I panicked and, in fits of desperation, clung to ludicrous, even dangerous thoughts.
My point being, I'm right there with you. I hate the rollercoaster. I just want to live life without being in a state of constant fight or flight mode, only for his character to change and de-escalate and I fall for the person I fell for all over again.
Exhausting is a horrible word. The understatement of all understatements, if you will.
I wish there were better support groups for this kind of mental health condition.