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My client, Selena, was raped at knifepoint in Los Angeles at the age of the twenty-three. “I stayed quiet,” she recalls. “I did what he said. I didn’t struggle; I didn’t scream. I think it’s because I did those things that I’m still alive.” While, rationally, Selena can imagine that giving up her response kept her safe, she’s plagued now by a persistent doubt in her ability to keep herself safe. “Faced with any kind of threat in the future,” she tearfully explains, “I can’t trust myself to protect me.”
Everyone people watches – it is in our nature. Whether you’re at the mall or at a restaurant, you look at people and wonder who they are and why they do what they do. As a kid, I always played a game where I’d look at a person and guess what they’d do ‘when they grew up’. Now, I think we all still play that game, but that game has turned more into judging than a game of Make-Believe. More than usual, I’ve been people watching and wondering things about the people who walk by. I look at the tall man in the suit, chatting away on the phone and wonder if he really enjoys his job. I look at the woman with seven kids trailing behind her and wonder what she does when she has a moment to herself. I look at the teenager walking with his head down, bracelets lining his wrists, and wonder if he self-harms.
Recently, it was announced that the very first diagnostic brain scan for a mental illness became Food and Drug Administration-approved. This test uses electroencephalography (EEG) to diagnose attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Finally, people with a mental illness (in this case ADHD) can point to a biological test and say, look – see – my disorder is biological in nature and we can test for it. It’s not terribly surprising that ADHD is the first disorder to have this type of test as we understand an ADHD brain better than we understand a brain with other disorders. Nevertheless, it won’t be the last. Scientists are actively working on diagnostic tests for depression, autism, bipolar and schizophrenia too. And while I consider this a major breakthrough in our real, tangible understanding of mental illness, there are reasons why diagnosis by brain scans matters and reasons why it doesn’t.
Yesterday, The Indianapolis Star posted an article, complete with picture, about a man who attempted to commit suicide by having the police shoot him. One man, Robert Schiele, commented on the Star’s Facebook page: “It's nice that at least he apparently didn't want to take anyone with him. I'll give him props for that. But if he just wanted to die, he could've killed himself easily enough without wasting taxpayer dollars by getting police involved. Maybe he's really not suicidal at all? Could just be hoping for a ‘reality show’ deal?”
Typically, when people talk about bipolar disorder, the extent of their understanding and knowledge about the disorder is that we have our ups and downs. We become depressed, followed by an episode of mania (intense energy and ups). Many people who do not live with bipolar disorder or do not have experience with it do not understand that we live with so much more – the good and the bad.
In a recent column for the Calgary Herald, writer Licia Corbella states that she believes Glee star Cory Monteith would still be alive today if it wasn't for Vancouver's safe injection site, Insite. As a professional who works with people struggling from addiction from both a harm reduction and an abstinence model, I barely even know where to begin with addressing how wrong and distorted her views are. Ms. Corbella's views can be read right here.
I am SuperWoman when it comes to having innovative ideas. I have so many possible inventions in my head that I would be a millionaire if I were able to bring a fraction of them to life. The issue? I am the SuperWoman of great ideas; I am no super hero of following through. Of course, you don't need to be a super hero to find success ...
It’s obvious that self-harm and self-esteem are linked in some way or another. Typically, if someone is feeling down in the dumps, they are going to try to find a way to get rid of that feeling. When self-harmers feel this way, they turn to one of the only coping skills they know – cutting, burning, hair pulling, scratching or head banging (as well as others, of course). When struggling with any kind of mental illness, it is extremely tough to bounce right out of a negative place. It’s easy to listen to therapists, friends, teachers and even bloggers when they tell you to “Keep your chin up” or “Shake it off”, but is it easy to actually shake off that feeling? Not usually.
Four years ago, I was diagnosed with rapid-cycling cyclothymia. It’s like a milder version of Bipolar Disorder, complete with hypomanic and depressive cycles, but I can cycle several times within a week, or even a day. (read: Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder: Symptoms, Treatment, Effects) No two days are alike. I realize that it’s difficult to understand. Things change so quickly that it confuses me, let alone an outside observer. There is so much misinformation “out there”, that it’s tough for people to piece together an accurate picture of this condition. So I thought I’d take the reader on a journey of what a day could be like when I’m especially rapid-cycling.
Depression, and mental illness in general, has gotten a lot of attention in the last few years. The internet and social media abound with knowledge and support for the myriad disorders from which we suffer. The same could not be said twelve years ago when I received my first official diagnosis for my depression.

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Paula
I have a lifetime of trauma and BPD and depression & anxiety and i can really identify with everything you have said chronic low self esteem and believing i nothing worthwhile to contribute to any conversations in social situations, iv grown up believing i was a bad evil person who doesn’t deserve anything good that life has to offer, even when im with my family i again feel like im an outsider and all the above caused me to isolate for 16 years and this made my situation a million times worse when i came back into society only months ago, im absolutely filled with Paranoia and i dont feel safe around humans unless im with 2 people that i can sort of connect with but its not often this happens and on any given day im that terrible or feel unable to have a conversation with people i can retreat to isolation again which again makes me worse everytime, i feel like i suffer if im out with people and i suffer if i isolate, im just constantly in a state of anxiety and terror and it paralyzes me and makes me brain shut down where i cant even think of a sentence to strike up a conversation with people, it’s absolutely horrendous and all the negative things my head tells me about myself it’s disturbing! I wouldn’t talk to anyone else the way i talk to myself but i just dont know how to stop it its been so ingrained in me for at least 4 decades now and im 45 years old.. i keep hoping one day it will get easier, but my heads such a mess, honestly and im not a bad person, iv just had a lifetime of trauma since i was a little girl that it completely changed me, that I don’t even recognise myself and neither does my family or anyone who knew me, but i might have more serious mental health iv just never been able to get out the house to go to mental health assessments.. but i wish you all luck!
Anonymous
Hi I'm 15 and I have severe anger issues that I can't control. I don't know why I am like this but when I am super mad I like to punch myself in the head repeatedly until I pass out and I sometimes slam my head against the wall. I used to cut but I try not to. I would just take scissors and you know, snip snip. I think this started when I was younger- around 12 years old. I always thought about sh but now I actually do it. I wish I had never started because once you start you can't go back. It's like a one-way road. There is no way you are going back to where you started.
anon
I do not have a BPD diagnosis (or think I should), but I can relate to much of what you're saying. I had a parent who was bipolar and struggled with addiction and who ultimately died when I was in my twenties. My other parent was extremely religious and I was raised in a controlling and punitive environment. I am extremely codependent on my intimate partners but can simultaneously hold others at a distance when I feel overstimulated or just want to be alone. I too am very triggered by perceived abandonment and really struggle to communicate with others because I feel too much too intensely and cannot make others understand it..I don't always understand it. Despite all of this, I feel very triggered by this post?? I have a friend who also struggles in the same ways I do, but I suspect it is much worse for them. I notice they ALWAYS have plans even when they feel burned out because they are terrified of being alone. We used to be very codependent on one another but now I find myself keeping my distance. And sometimes for unrelated reasons, I have to cancel plans. OR I will state upfront that I tentatively agree to the plans but reserve the right to cancel if I don't feel up to it. I don't know if that makes me a bad friend or not; I have been in counseling for years learning how to hold space for both myself and others. And sometimes that looks like cancelling or rescheduling. I know that this is a trigger for my friend- they not so casually mention other "flaky" friends in conversation- but at what point am I supposed to cater to someone else's (sometimes irrational) needs at the expense of my own peace? Why do I have to give you a play by play of my thought process (and maybe a doctor's note) to get out of doing something? What's an acceptable reason to cancel? This friend recently encourages me to just say I don't want to do something (almost aggressively mind you), but when I do, I feel like I get the silent treatment or otherwise passive aggressive responses. And I am constantly hearing stories about this person's disappointment in other friends who cancel or are perceived as flaky. I want to give them space to process their feelings about cancelled plans, but sometimes I feel annoyed and overlooked. Like their pain is more valid or important than my own. I have not had the courage to talk to my friend about this but feel I need to soon or else I will continue to harbor resentment. Anyway, I know there's room for all of us to feel our feelings but it's so hard to navigate right now. I have been a caretaker in one form or another my entire life. I really need to take care of myself and not feel guilty about it. The end!
Mj. Bean
You're definitely not alone. My boyfriend has DID and more often times than not, we dont get throiugh the day without arguing or disagreeing at least once. I'm head over heels in love with "Super Max" which is who he basically is when he reaches this sort of "peak performance" and the "lesser" maxs' are the ones that can get downright insane. One talks like an 8 year old, another one acts like he's around 20 years old. I didn't have any idea he had this until we were 3 months in and i had already fallen hard for him. Most days he's in "annoyed/angry max mode" where he is literally the biggest control freak on the planet. Obsesses over silly things like "spilling" things and such. It can be exhausting but the violent max is the one that, while i rarely see him, he's still the only one i dread and have only seen a handful of times.

My point being, I'm right there with you. I hate the rollercoaster. I just want to live life without being in a state of constant fight or flight mode, only for his character to change and de-escalate and I fall for the person I fell for all over again.
Exhausting is a horrible word. The understatement of all understatements, if you will.

I wish there were better support groups for this kind of mental health condition.
midnightvibes
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. It sounds so difficult and I can’t imagine what it must feel like. I know what it’s like to feel like no one in the world cares, that they’re all just caught up in their lives, and I’m so sorry that you’re feeling that way. I would just say stay strong and seek the help you deserve. You deserve to be alive in this world. Even if it feels like you don’t, you 100% do. I don’t know you but I can tell from this post it’s seems like you are resilient and care about others and have some hopes for the future. Stay strong friend, seek help if you are able to, and have hope if you can. I believe in you so much <3